Author Topic: You could have done it long ago  (Read 17245 times)

shake19

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Re: You could have done it long ago
« Reply #50 on: August 30, 2014, 03:25:18 AM »
Hi there!

It is 177 days since I last PMO'd.

Actually it is 177 days without O, because I had some days when I watched P and / or M.


At the first 2 months, I was fighting a lot and at this time I had the longest period completely without any of P, M, O.
The bad thing was that I was fighting so hard that when I relapsed it was destructing my mind and my self-confidence.
I blamed myself a lot.

The next 2 months I let myself to chill about P and / or M and I relapsed averagely once a week.
Giving my mind a rest from fighting was comfortable for me, because whenever I relapsed I didn't have such a remorse as earlier.
Of course I was still trying to stay clean for as long as possible.

The last 2 months I found P and M much less attractive as I did ever before.
Therefore I had no big problems to stay clean for weeks.
Nevertheless I let myself into P and / or M for some times.


Relapses that occured were the effects of:
1/ hangover (my willpower was weakened)
2/ boredom (especially while sitting at home - P and / or M is the easiest way to get yourself busy)
3/ high stress (I went to P and / or M to relax myself and change from everyday chores)


And here I am now.

I came here today after such a long time without looking at the forum because I watche P and M'd today.
I feel bad about it, I have remorse and I feel the need to share my feelings in here.
After I wrote all the things above I am kind of relieved.


I don't need to promise myself anything now - I feel that my life is the one without any of P, M, O.
I just have to stay vigilant to not let myself to any of these anymore.


The positive side of life after 177 days without PMO:
- I have much smaller desire for any of P, M, O than ever before
- My mind is clean from images of P that were appearing months earlier
- I am much more self-confident than ever before
- I look at girls in 'healthy' way, not with such a sick desire as months earlier
- I feel that I passed a big milestone in my life and I am very proud of it


I wish to thank all of you, your journeys were my compass in the time of fierce battle.
Your example of determination gave me willpower to stay strong.


All the battle is definitely worth it!
« Last Edit: August 30, 2014, 03:30:20 AM by shake19 »

shake19

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Re: You could have done it long ago
« Reply #51 on: October 26, 2014, 12:11:21 PM »
Hi to all!

I am back. The addiction never leaves me. And it just took control over me. The f**k! Again.

I think the addiction will stay in my mind forever. The clue is to deal with it right.

What happened through these 234 days?
  • I started 234 days ago with a clear goal: no P/M/O at all.
  • After some time I silently changed my mind to loosen the restrictions.
    So when I wached P or did M I didn't reset my counter - I felt it is not so bad as I do not O.
  • For last 2 weeks I PMO'd 2 times and I see that I was wrong before - any element of this shitty chain makes a relapse.
    What is relapse?
    - It is letting your penis take control over the brain.
  • Time to get back on the right track:
    No arousing by images / videos at all!
    Even f**king celebrities on the news.
This is the only right way to deal with the addiction.
Because the addiction won't leave you for the rest of your life.
Accept it as it is.

I reset my counter as I was wrong for all these 234 days.
As some say, I start a HARD MODE - the only way to deal with it right.

I will reset the counter whenever I intentionally watch anything arousing, even celebrities at news or whenever I M.

Big goals require big sacrifices.

lte

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Re: You could have done it long ago
« Reply #52 on: October 26, 2014, 02:53:16 PM »
Hi to all!

I am back. The addiction never leaves me. And it just took control over me. The f**k! Again.

I think the addiction will stay in my mind forever. The clue is to deal with it right.

What happened through these 234 days?
  • I started 234 days ago with a clear goal: no P/M/O at all.
  • After some time I silently changed my mind to loosen the restrictions.
    So when I wached P or did M I didn't reset my counter - I felt it is not so bad as I do not O.
  • For last 2 weeks I PMO'd 2 times and I see that I was wrong before - any element of this shitty chain makes a relapse.
    What is relapse?
    - It is letting your penis take control over the brain.
  • Time to get back on the right track:
    No arousing by images / videos at all!
    Even f**king celebrities on the news.
This is the only right way to deal with the addiction.
Because the addiction won't leave you for the rest of your life.
Accept it as it is.

I reset my counter as I was wrong for all these 234 days.
As some say, I start a HARD MODE - the only way to deal with it right.

I will reset the counter whenever I intentionally watch anything arousing, even celebrities at news or whenever I M.

Big goals require big sacrifices.

I can't strss this enough, posting daily makes a huge difference in breaking the habit. As I hone in on two years I'm finding that recovery seems like the new normal, but as little as three months ago I needed daily visits to keep me going.


Click my counter if you would like a counter of your own.


Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

shake19

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Re: You could have done it long ago
« Reply #53 on: October 29, 2014, 07:35:38 AM »
Hi LTE, my buddy.

You've been with me since the first days on this forum and I am very grateful for this.
Yeah, I forgot a little bit about posting and visting this forum for a last few months but still I remembered all the advices that you and the others gave me.

Despite the relapses, after such a long struggle with the addiction I feel somehow free now, especially in contrary to what I had in my mind about 2 yrs ago.

I came back here to point out that I am really into leaving the addiction entirely and that I am still conscious about the problem.
All the advices are welcome and I am here also to help the others.

Maybe I am not a frequent member of this forum no more, but I am the example of the value of this forum.
The value of this forum lies not only in all these words in here, but the value is in the change that it makes in our lifes.

I wish all the best to all of you! Stay strong.

lte

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Re: You could have done it long ago
« Reply #54 on: October 29, 2014, 05:38:31 PM »
Just don't give up and recognize the strength you possess. If I can overcome this problem, so can you.


Click my counter if you would like a counter of your own.


Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

Kaybee

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Re: You could have done it long ago
« Reply #55 on: October 29, 2014, 10:51:29 PM »
I just read back over your journal,  and it's so great to see all of the progess that you've made. Sure you've relapsed, but that doesn't make you the same guy you were 250 days ago, or however long it has been now. And you're right, the value of this forum is in the changes it makes to lives.   I'm glad to see that you're still set on changing yours for the better. :)

shake19

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Re: You could have done it long ago
« Reply #56 on: November 03, 2014, 04:15:40 PM »
Thank you Kaybee for kind words. It's very nice to see that after such a long absence I am still warmly welcomed. Thank you for granting me with the words that the single relapse doesn't make me the same guy as 250 days ago - I believe that and this makes me stronger.

So I am on the right way for last days, I had some craving today to watch some pics and I even took a glimpse on some non-nude model, but it lasted only about 30 secs and I reminded myself that it's not worth it. So I closed the page.

Things are going great since I stopped watching anything arousing and fantasizing. My self-confidence is back quickly and I am not afraid of many things that I was afraid before (when I was in the time of P/M/O).

Have a great life being free from all this crap!

shake19

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Re: You could have done it long ago
« Reply #57 on: November 05, 2014, 06:51:20 AM »
I am weak. After 9 days I relapsed.

I got drunk yesterday night and at the same time the girl I was trying to date for a long time told me she has a boyfriend.
Today, with a strong hangover and sadness in my mind I run away from stress to PMO.

I admit that I am weak.

So this thought makes me stronger and I stand up again.
This time I will try harder.

Cheers!
« Last Edit: November 05, 2014, 06:54:13 AM by shake19 »

lte

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Re: You could have done it long ago
« Reply #58 on: November 05, 2014, 09:37:47 AM »
Back on the wagon, my friend. You CAN do it!


Click my counter if you would like a counter of your own.


Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

shake19

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Re: You could have done it long ago
« Reply #59 on: November 28, 2014, 04:18:04 AM »
I haven't come here for a while as I had no time and thought that I am strong enough to keep my eye on reboot just by myself.
And I relapsed twice in this period - both was on a strong hangover.

And actually all the relapses that I had for a few last months were in connection with strong hangover.

Therefore, hangover seems to be my last moment in life when I permit myself into te addiction - there's an easy explanation - my mind is in the weakest state while being on hangover.

Therefore, I have to choose:
1/ Avoid hangover, so don't be drunk or stoned too much.
2/ In case of hangover I have to be sharper than before so I can withstand the cravings.

I choose the first one, as getting too drunk or stoned doesn't bring anything good in life - so I'll just eliminate it for my next goal (24 days) and will see if I really could stay clean.

Wish me luck.

All the best to all y'all!

shake19

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Re: You could have done it long ago
« Reply #60 on: February 08, 2015, 03:55:49 PM »
Hi all!

You know what... It is ridiculous.

I moved through hundreds of advices, I discovered hundreds of purposes of my relapses and made hundreds of decisions to change, to avoid, to prevent falling down. Hundreds of hours spent on thinking and trying to solve the HUGE problem that PMO stands for me.

And what?

Falling down again, and again, and again...

It is over 2 years now since I started fighting the addiction. It is horrible that I still fall down (and lately it happens even every few days). I am at the peak of being disgusted with myself.

It seems I tried all the possible ways to get out of the addiction.

So now, I ask you only to wish me luck.
I do not want any more advices, I know enough of them.
Just tell me that I will do it, that I will finally get rid of the addiction AND I WILL DO IT.

I want to reach the sky and I MUST DO IT.

lte

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Re: You could have done it long ago
« Reply #61 on: February 08, 2015, 05:19:43 PM »
Hi all!

You know what... It is ridiculous.

I moved through hundreds of advices, I discovered hundreds of purposes of my relapses and made hundreds of decisions to change, to avoid, to prevent falling down. Hundreds of hours spent on thinking and trying to solve the HUGE problem that PMO stands for me.

And what?

Falling down again, and again, and again...

It is over 2 years now since I started fighting the addiction. It is horrible that I still fall down (and lately it happens even every few days). I am at the peak of being disgusted with myself.

It seems I tried all the possible ways to get out of the addiction.

So now, I ask you only to wish me luck.
I do not want any more advices, I know enough of them.
Just tell me that I will do it, that I will finally get rid of the addiction AND I WILL DO IT.

I want to reach the sky and I MUST DO IT.
I'm going to ask you one question: Do you prefer being a slave to PMO over being free of PMO? This is a good question to ask yourself at the moment of temptation, ask it before you take that first step down the road that leads to PMO. All of the temptations are still out there. They are out there for you, out there for me. Eventually, you have to make a conscious choice not against PMO.


Click my counter if you would like a counter of your own.


Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

shake19

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Re: You could have done it long ago
« Reply #62 on: April 08, 2016, 03:53:07 AM »
Hi there!

I haven't been here for a while, it is over a year now. As you may guess, the struggle continues - it is about 3 years since I realized I got a problem - the addiction to porn.

For last year (as I was absent here) I was fighting all the way to not come back to addiction as much as I can. Sometimes it was about a month with absolutely no P or M, sometimes only a day that I could withstand the cravings.

So here I am now, still addicted, still weak and still concious about the problem. Especially last weeks, I failed to stay clean every few days. Usually the same purposes as always - boredom, hangover, stress.

I decided to dig into my diary and make a new post to point out some important moment in this battle. I am truly determined and dedicated to get rid of cravings and addiction now. I hope that my existence on this forum will give me new power and motivation to show that it is possible as you all make it and as I made it before.

I set up short goal for 5 days now to not shock me with long milestone, but if I make it, I will set up the goal bigger.

Giving a shot of how I feel nowadays with addiction:
- I do not feel so strong urges as years before (in the past my body was actually shaking when I was fighting not to watch porn).
- I do not imagine and fantasize about porn anymore.
- I do come back to porn anytime my sick mind tell me "to chill" like this.
- I do feel bad afterward but not so bad as years ago.

I think all the above shows that progress has been made and that all effort has made positive effects. However it also gives an important lesson - never underestimate the addiction - it is always somewhere in the mind. And even if the mind deals with it better than before, the problem still exists. As a guy wanting to be a true man it is necessary to keep strong and never again let the addiction take control over me.

I wish you all the best and thank you for your time reading my diary. :)

Cheers!

achilles heel

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Re: You could have done it long ago
« Reply #63 on: April 08, 2016, 10:13:35 AM »
I wish you all the best on your restart!

Reading through your journal reminds me so much of my own story and it encourages me to make a decision I would suggest for you too: Cut out drugs and alcohol completely, at least until feeling strong enough to not relapse again on hangover. At one point you mentioned to eliminate alcohol and drugs for 24 days, did it work for you? I'm not sure if I will manage to avoid alcohol 100%, but I will try. For what I understand is that every hangover includes a dopamine low and thus makes us much more vulnerable to relapse. Not to forget that alcohol weakens self-control and awareness.