Author Topic: Moving on to a new era  (Read 368 times)

Rengaw

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Moving on to a new era
« on: March 30, 2017, 05:08:58 AM »
Hi all,


I've been a porn addict for about 5 years now, shit hit the fan in 2013. Early 2014 I started my first serious reboot and I started writing on YBR in June,  but it wasn't until I checked in at a rehabilitation center in November 2015 I was able to get a positive momentum. I was depressed: suicidal thoughts and overall anxiety were part of an ordinary day.

From then onwards there has been much progression but I am still addicted. Got my drivers license 2 years ago exactly, got a job in May 2016 and graduated last December. Also, I have built in a solid work out routin: I run a lot and do many push ups/ squats/ sit ups. I ran half a marathon back in October.

I am very pleased with each achievement  but the addiction seems to linger on. Need to weed out the last part of the root. That's why I am here.

Take care


« Last Edit: January 08, 2019, 09:57:54 AM by Rengaw »

Rengaw

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A week down

Last week things have been normalising a lot, I've put a lot of focus on reading and understanding what rebooting is all about. I am going hard mode - no P,M, O and no sexual thoughts. I am feeling like crap. No energy throughout the day and low motivation to achieve much...but breathing and mindfulness seem to work well, that keeps me moving.

 I've taken up the art of affirmations (auto-suggestions) to keep myself focused and abstained from any PMO. My sleep is average and without sleeping pills I really don't sleep at all. Work has been okay.

Don't feel like sharing a lot, I really want to get better. I feel as if I have a hangover, except for the nauseating feeling: low motivation, no energy, general misery. Yuk. I really fucked myself over by PMOing so excessively in March( about 21 orgasms...). March has been the worst month in a few years and now April needs to suffer.


Rengaw

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Re: Moving on to a new era
« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2019, 10:49:07 AM »
Moving in from YBR

I have been on YourBrainRebalanced for about 4.5 years yet those forums seem to be desolate. I need an active community to release myself from this addiction. I hope you gentle(wo)men can help me. I'm lost on how to deal with porn cravings, so reinventing my game plan. If you have any suggestions on cravings:please share your insights!

As for now I will copy my previous first posts and I will make a link to these topics.

My initial personal topic on YBR https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/nearly-a-year-on-ybr-significant-improvement.21985/:

I started this journal June 23rd 2014, and I also have a written journal that dates back from April 2014. Both of these journals tell me I suffered a lot from my PMO addiction; social anxiety, PIED, depression, low self-esteem, finger picking (mild automutilation), dishonest, ADD...

An ordinary day would consist of porn for an hour or 2 to 3, beating myself up because of the porn, accept the 'failure' and fight for some days to relapse and indulge myself in the vicious circle I couldn't win. I would crawl back behind my pc/laptop/tablet and waste away the hours, 2,3, 4... Nothing unordinary. Record of about 13 to 14 hours, high on booze and various medications.

Currently, I have thoughts floating about of girls, my favorite girls. Bodies in certain positions, acting in ways a girl would never do to me. 'Special', I would think a few years ago but now I see it's ill, de-humanizing and just... I've no words for that porn.
But: I can keep off urges, I just ignore them. I just leave them and instead focus on someting positive ; i.e. writing this journal post. I've learned not to give energy to something negative; I turn off the t.v. when nothing is on, I stop talking to people when they have nothing important to say. My family thinks it is annoying that I suddently ignore them, but I think it is a compliment for my progression.

I - sort of - have a girlfriend, she is a gem and it's just amazing. She was prom queen last year, she's a singer-song writer and she just has the most amazing curves I've ever seen on a human being. And she's cleaver. She's smart as hell and she likes to correct me when I am wrong and really, that's what I like to do to other people.

I am still anxious about how the future will work out for me, things won't get harder - that's nearly impossible. However, I've found out I need to be cautious, I've come to realize I don't have unlimited energy, money and friends in my life. I've spent energy and money on the wrong things in life, I've lost some friends here and there and I accept it. For the future I will rationalize more about decisions that I need to take. I've become more thoughtfull and I've gained more wisdom over the last year, I feel more mature and at ease.


Getting back to the list of social anxiety, PIED, depression, low self-esteem, finger picking (mild automutilation), dishonest, ADD.
I still suffer from a bit of depression from time to time, my self-esteem tends to rollercoaster and my finger picking and ADD non-exisstent.
My dishonesty is something I struggle with, in particular because my family hasn't got the slightest clue what an addiction is.

They believe I do suffer, but they don't see the infinite battle, me fighting the urges, cravings and battles against... what not.
All they care about is me graduating, which is fair and positive, but they don't see what's going on in my brain. Yes, I can tell you - my brain is improving. Physically. Sometimes, for just a second or 2, I feel as if old 'junk' brain tissue is dying and healthy tissue is growing.I get a weird, light head feeling and my eyes get twitchy. I really can't describe but last Friday I had another episode. I've had about 3 or 4.

I guess that is how re-sensitization feels like; the strong, addiction pathways are crumbling and those pathways thought to be normal, are slowly growing to normal.

Mind you, I've been frantically addicted for over a year (September 2013 - November 2014) and looking back I can say I already had some symptoms back in 2010/2011. Let's say I've been addicted for 3,5 years, what is a 90 day abstinence? A joke. Because, it is not about the 90 days, it is not about 120 or 150 days - it's about cracking your cocoon and liberating yourself from first, your addiction, secondly your fears and finally your challenges - to live a victorious life, with real women, genuine friends and be passionate about what you, and not repulsive about your daily habit.


I hope some enjoyed reading my text. I didn't really plan anyhing, I just got inspired by some other journal.

My second personal topic:

https://yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/index.php?threads/semper-progrediens-numquam-respiciens.31800/

 Update December 3rd 2015: Adding information about Autosuggestion. Autosuggestion, influencing the subconcious with positive affirmations, is a method to gain more faith, positivity and self-esteem. He believes improving ones health starts in the mind and with a strong belief in a positive outcome. One of the areas is addiction.


For me it works great and I believe it will for others. The book bij Dr. Emile Coué is about 220 pages, but these free outtakes cover the essence.

http://www.mind-your-reality.com/support-files/self_mastery_autosuggestion_coue.pdf

http://healthyvisionshypnosis.com/downloads/Auto_Suggestion_My_Method_by_Coue.pdf

At the core of his book is this philosophy: “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better”
Repeat this every morning and before going to sleep. It WILL help greatly!

As for now I am posting my last failed reaction to my YBR, I encountered errors when posting.
It is the following:


So yesterday night I couldn't sleep and I woke up a few times, and ended up dry humping the mattress very sleep drunk. In hindsight I lacked the mental clarity to refrain from the action and lay on my back, have my hands over the quilt and focus on my breathing to go back to sleep again. For future moments of despair I have repeated this a few times to make sure so I do the right thing .


At the moment I am suffering from apathy and low motivation and high withdrawal symptoms. I think a lot of sex and it's  essential to regain my focus through mindfulness breathing. It's challenging.


However I am feeling confident about myself and dealing with the addiction. Yesterday so realised this is a 2 way addiction, both 1. an internet addiction and 2. a masturbation/orgasm addiction. Pretty daunting now I think of it, but I've gone for months clean before and will do so again. I will make you part of my journey!



Right now I am solely focusing on getting myself back on track and formulating a new addiction treatment plan. Right now, this is difficult as aI feel week and lonely for starting over again. But I know I can do it, yet I need to be very vigilant on what I feel and experience, as I need to prevent a relapse. Relapsing is not a disaster but I have done countless relapses and now getting frustrated because of withdrawals is more important than getting frustrated by a relapse, haha!

I will later report on my new personal treatment plan.


Rengaw

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Re: Moving on to a new era
« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2019, 08:06:38 AM »
Yikes the cravings hit me hard. It is a inner battle that I nearly lost. Right now it is all about focusing on my treatment plan. That is what keeps me going.

Rengaw

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Re: Moving on to a new era
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2019, 04:18:46 AM »
TLDR So thinks have been going okay - I have had sex a few times and that was good, as well as having a new woman in my life. She is a former colleague.  But a month ago I was truly depressed and my life was not fulfilling in any way and I did not have something to look out for. But that was the PAWS - post acute withdrawal (symptoms). The immediate effect of stopping porn/masturbation/orgasming.


January I was a true mess - because I had a binge on drugs in the end of December and a very frustrating talk with my family about my situation the first week of January. They are so shallow and thinking inside boxes; and I don't have the energy to explain what is going on in my body and brain. Most of these negative feelings stemmed the PAWS.  This gradually lessened and I met up with the woman I already mentioned; we met the last weekend of January and last weekend we met up again. Great connection, great sex. Feeling loved - both ways - yet I am not in love.

The PAWS have significantly lessened and I feel brighter and fitter. I even did a work out last week, which I haven't done in I think half a year.  My muscles are still soar, and as you know - no pain, no gain!

She has been great for rewiring and so have I been to her; we both have our issues and we support each other. It's a win-win situation, but I think she has more feelings for me than I have for her. We have decided to meet up a few more times and we'll see what happens. We are good to each other and that is something we both get positive energy from. And the sex is just amazing. We have so much fun, confidence and love together - it's  a long lasting memory already, while we have met up just twice.

As for me right now - I have been unemployed for months and now I feel strong enough to find a part time job.  Working full time - which I did in October - is still too much; I don't have the natural energy to be productive for 40 hours.
I am on social benefits right now, but I have received my final check and I need to find a suitable job. There's plenty of work to be done that meets my interests and skills. I am not afraid any more and I am regaining my confidence.