Author Topic: Orbiters Journal of Recovery  (Read 6559 times)

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #50 on: February 27, 2018, 11:40:28 PM »
DAY 7

Last night was very uneventful, I was too tired to really do anything so we made dinner and watched some Netflix instead. My libido feels like it's beginning to return but I feel that it may be merely urges for porn. I must stay away, for her and for myself!

I have restarted my exercise routine and, if nothing else, it has been a welcome boost for my mood, discipline and self esteem. I will avoid using the computer tonight as I can feel the urges rising and I cannot afford to relapse again. Luckily I have many other activities to occupy myself with this evening and I have cut down my computer & internet time considerably since being in a relationship. I still feel a bit down about everything but there has been a lot of personal demons I have had to face over the last few weeks and I should be kinder to myself about feeling exhausted from it.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #51 on: February 28, 2018, 06:05:41 PM »
DAY 8

I think this is the longest I have been without porn in at least three years...which is a depressing thought but also a nice milestone to pass. Some mild urges this morning but my resolve has not waned. It's easy to relapse again and again when you feel like you have nothing to lose, which I guess is the vicious cycle that porn addiction leads us all towards.

Still little to no interest in sex, it's like I feel completely exhausted with it. I suppose masturbating to hundreds of hours of hardcore pornography, for hours at a time, over several years will do that to a person. It really is the most depressing, empty habit. It hollows us from the inside out. I wish that I had been able to put more effort last year before things got so desperately bad. Then at least my poor GF wouldn't have to share the burden of this as well. Hopefully it is not too late.

Must stay strong!

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #52 on: March 02, 2018, 02:34:48 AM »
DAY 9

The first wave of serious temptation hit me today. I was tired, I woke up in a bad mood, I was sporting erections all through the morning, my GF wasn't answering her phone even though we were supposed to meet up and I felt the familiar pull towards the computer with the usual rationalizations going through my head. But I did not cave in, instead I pushed through with my exercise and steered my thoughts in a positive direction throughout the day. The urge subsided and I am still clean!

I can't remember the last time I was nine days clean of pornography. I know better than to rest on my laurels as this is far from the last time I will have to face days like this, but I can't help but feel a little proud of myself. I know numbers are not all that important, but it's nice to say that i'm one more night from the double digits of being clean.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #53 on: March 06, 2018, 04:08:23 AM »
DAY 13

It's amazing how even when you do not consciously feel the urge, habits have a way of creeping back when you least suspect it. As I was typing in my username to log into here, I began typing in the username of a reddit account I used for porn automatically and stopped myself halfway through. The addiction is deceptive, bad habits die hard and will often strike in the most unexpected of ways!

Last weekend I had sex with my GF where I managed to cum twice out of several times and managed to sustain a workable erection. I still clearly have a long way to go but it is an encouraging sign that I am able to do this when I was literally barely able to maintain an erection with her just under two weeks ago when I relapsed. I am unfortunately also coming down with a cold at the moment but my mood is ok. My mind has focused on other things and the withdrawals have not hit me as hard as I thought they might. I have decided it is okay to ejaculate PIV with my girlfriend as I feel it is beneficial to my rewiring, being able to sexual connect with others and weaken the emotional grip that porn has on me.

I am feeling cautious but encouraged so far.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #54 on: March 09, 2018, 07:57:29 PM »
DAY 17

Mood has dropped over the previous few days. Libido is quite low and I have been having sex with mixed success. Urges for porn have been minimal but I have been noticing I have been slightly missing porn, or perhaps more specifically the instant sexual gratification and lack of pressure and/or necessary effort that comes with porn. I also still feel a very long way away from being attracted to real people in the same way I am to porn. Of course all this is totally normal with giving up a habit like porn, and the sad reality is recovery is both non-linear and not a process that will happen overnight. We just have to persevere.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #55 on: March 12, 2018, 03:07:40 AM »
DAY 20

Spent the weekend with my GF. Slowly but gradually, I seem to be gaining more consistency and strength in my erections during sex. I am still having mixed success though, but the signs are indeed quite reassuring. Porn urges are coming on very strong at the moment, I think I will need to avoid the internet for the rest of the day if I am to stay clean.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #56 on: March 12, 2018, 04:52:41 AM »
...to DAY 0

Relapsed. Watched porn for 2 1/2 hours but did not masturbate.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #57 on: March 13, 2018, 05:48:57 AM »
DAY 1

Argh! PMOed for 10 minutes max last night as I was worried I would later in the week if I didn't. Found myself starting to peek as soon as I turned on the computer but quickly stopped myself. Not in a good state right now.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #58 on: March 14, 2018, 03:46:31 AM »
DAY 0

Can't stop!

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #59 on: March 16, 2018, 01:27:11 AM »
DAY 2

Finding it so hard to stay away from porn at the moment. I went from zero urges to urges basically every time I am near a computer. I have been finding myself peeking and then stopping myself, I know it only makes things worse and I may need to stay away from the computer for several days until I can get my urges back under control.

JasonGuitar

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #60 on: March 16, 2018, 10:32:40 AM »
I'm around day 7 myself, on attempt number...who knows. I originally found out about this issue and solution to it back in 2016. Since then I have started and stopped more times than I can remember.

I'd slip, I'd peek, I'd do more than peek...then I'd feel like shit and tell myself "Ok no more. Never again." And it would last a week at most before I'd peek again and fall back into old habits.

I am just trying to stay focused on work and other ways to be productive and avoid temptations and triggers. I used to spend about an hour a day playing GTA 5 on my PS4, and I have even cut that out because of certain aspects of it that had caused me to slip in the past. If I feel something else tempting me, I make a conscious decision to say 'no' and stop myself from even going there in my head.

This is all easier said than done, especially only about a week in at this point, but the best thing you can do is come post here when you are feeling tempted. I haven't had a real moment of weakness yet, but I'm sure it is coming, and I plan to do exactly that when that time comes. Even if it's just posting to post and getting no responses, it will get it off my chest and hopefully refocus me on what's important.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #61 on: March 19, 2018, 04:06:23 AM »
Hey thanks for the advice and support JasonGuitar. Sounds like you're making some great progress at the moment!

Made it to day 5 and in a moment relapsed so I am now back to...

DAY 0

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #62 on: April 05, 2019, 11:21:22 PM »
DAY 6

And i'm back. The previous year has been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least, it is difficult to know where to begin. My relationship ended a few months ago when she had admitted one week before Christmas she had slept with one of her co-workers. I broke up with her almost immediately on the spot. After a very emotionally messy three months of missing eachother, discussing things back an forth and hooking up once for several minutes of empty, soul-crushing sex, she admitted to me recently that after we broke up, she had almost immediately moved in with her co-worker and began a relationship.

They have been living together for over three months now and I find myself once again on my own.

Apart from some quite severe mental health issues and personality differences that became apparent, sex became problematic. After the last time I posted, I managed to keep my porn usage down to once every two or so weeks. Everytime I relapsed, the effects were apparent (difficulty ejaculating and/or losing erections halfway through) but I seemed to sufficiently recover from this after a few days to the point I could have sex with a functional (if not rock solid) erection.

Due to the wait, I began to avoid sex at times I did not feel confident. She expressed an interest in violent, rough sex (hard choking, slapping, cutting, bruising etc.) that I did not feel comfortable engaging in due to personal choice and finding out she had tendencies to self harm (I unfortunately found out her new partner enjoys having this sort of sex with her, I try not to think about it as the mental image tears me up inside).

She would also forget to take contraception often enough that it was no longer effective and would suggest halfway through sex coming and using the morning after pill. This was the real clincher as I did not feel comfortable or safe having sex with her anymore. We tried the condoms a few times but she said she hated the feeling and I could not cum or maintain an erection with them when we tried. We also tried the calendar method and the pull out method on occasion.

It's quite horrifying to me reading this all back. You might say I dodged a bullet but I don't exactly feel like I came out unscathed.

I began turning down sex and resorting more and more to porn as an outlet and to escape the situation I was in (I should have mentioned we were living together). My erections became weaker and weaker and I began to slip back into old habits. The last time we engaged in any sexual activity, I could only manage a fairly feeble semi-erection.

Soooo fast forward to today. About a week ago, after PMOing eight times over two days. I found myself facing the working week feeling tired, miserable, hurt, lost and hopeless. I have felt like this all year and I struggle to even get through the basic tasks of the day I need to do.

I have made a commitment that this month I am going to focus on myself which means that...

* I will not PMO this month

* I will make a priority to eat healthy and maintain regular sleeping hours

* I will abstain from Alcohol or any other drug that drains my energy, motivation, mood, willpower or judgement

* I will begin to excercise again

* I will focus on what I need to do to get my life back on track to somewhere I would like it to be. That way I can truly move forward from this.

As I said before, this is day 6. I am back and I intend to stay strong to my commitment.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #63 on: April 06, 2019, 03:03:24 PM »
DAY 7

So much for the regular hours of sleep. It's very early over in the morning here, I made it to sleep only a few hours ago and I am sitting here wide awake. Perhaps I am not used to the energy that comes from being clean this many days or perhaps I simply have too much on my mind thinking about the break-up. I worry about being awake at these hours as improper sleep is not good for willpower. I don't want to face any temptations with my guard down.

Usually at day 7, my libido sky-rockets but I am feeling strangely asexual. The thought of sex, hooking up or PMO is something that seems so unappealing at the moment. Porn feels no different. Anytime my mind drifts to it, I start thinking about the ex or about the sex that other people are having which is enough to kill the mood. I feel exhausted thinking about sex & porn, perhaps I am.

All this said, I can't let my guard down. This addiction has a way of creeping up in all of us in ways we don't expect. I need to stay vigilant.

 A morning jog might be the answer perhaps?


Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #64 on: April 07, 2019, 05:10:31 AM »
DAY 7 - Continued

So today worked out well in the end. I went for that morning jog, had a healthy breakfast and got my weekend chores done. In the afternoon I had a BBQ with my father and watched a movie together. Some faint urges in the morning but I dealt with them quite easily. Good day.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #65 on: April 09, 2019, 05:40:56 AM »
DAY 9

THE BAD
Withdrawals & temptations are slowly beginning to creep into my thoughts. They are not as outright difficult to manage this time around but they are present and I would be deceiving myself to say that they aren't a danger. I have had some strange sexual dreams, one last night involved a co-worker I often work together with, a stranger out on a ladies night with some friends and finally relapsing to porn. I woke up relieved it was only a dream and pushed it from my mind.

I feel at this point I will need to become more careful around the computer. This will mean shutting it off after a certain time during the evening. I tried blockers at the end of last year but they do not seem to help anymore. They were a great help years ago when I completed my longest reboot (78 days I think...) but lately I always seem to bypass them with the usual trembling hands & fast-beating heart after a few days. I think the answer forward is making sure to browse mindfully as another rebooter suggested. This means going on the internet with a clear purpose of what you need to do and logging off after. It's a perspective i've somehow never even thought of up until now.

THE GOOD
I have no strong urges which has made this process much easier. I would say i've been in a flatline for the whole period of this reboot so far except for some morning wood here and there. The break from being bombarded with sexual imagery and thoughts is welcome. It also means I can more easily escape being stuck thinking about memories of my ex and the way things ended. Day 4-8 was honestly quite mellow unlike other times where it can seem almost impossible to avoid porn or dwelling on sexual thoughts.

This does not however mean I am underestimating the difficulty of this. I am a far way away from being in the clear at this early stage.

The second big positive is I have so much more energy than I have in such a long time. I have been able to manage some very stressful situations at work over the last two days with a level of focus, energy & positivity I had almost completely forgotten I was capable of experiencing. I was thinking about it before and actually began panicking at the thought of losing this to relapsing. I reconciled the thoughts in my head and pushed forward. Anxiety & doubt are one of the worst emotions that one can dwell on in this process.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #66 on: April 09, 2019, 05:42:54 AM »
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” - Frank Herbert, Dune

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #67 on: April 10, 2019, 05:13:20 AM »
DAY 10

Mood & energy are quite low today for no particular reason. I usually find this can happen around this point in a reboot. I feel like I am
beginning to enter a deep flatline. Not much else to report.

On the brightside though, I made it to the double-digits! Woohoo it's been awhile.

KittyHawk

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #68 on: April 10, 2019, 05:46:54 PM »
Good job, Orbiter.
Mood swings are part of our journey. I have days when I feel said, angry or scared for no reason. But if I stay clean, It goes back to normal pretty fast. Don’t worry about the asexuality/flatline. I experimented with it many times (as I shouldn’t) and I know for sure your libido is there, just sandbagged and ready to be awaken again at any point you might need it for a real sex.

Keep rolling and stay couple days ahead of me!

PS: Dune is one of my two favorite books. The second one is Ender’s Game (don’t judge it by the movie)  ;)
If I were a general and wanted to make enemy's male population completely useless, I would just carpet-bomb them with porn.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #69 on: April 13, 2019, 07:43:18 AM »
DAY 13...

to DAY 0

Relapsed twice today. Peeking in the early hours of the morning and despite on-and-off resisting the urge for most of the day, I did not make it.

Feeling very tired. I am going to sleep on this and mentally reflect & regroup tomorrow. I can still stay clean the rest of April.

Greenzebra

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #70 on: April 13, 2019, 01:29:59 PM »
Thanks for sharing.

You can do it... we all deserve to believe in ourselves. Support is number 1!

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #71 on: April 13, 2019, 05:45:03 PM »
You're absolutely right Greenzebra. Thanks for dropping by and thanks for your support. We all need a bit extra sometimes.

KittyHawk - I've never read Enders Game but from what I can tell reading about it, sounds like something right up my alley. I'll be sure to check it out!

When I can focus myself to actually read, i've been enjoying a lot of Sci-Fi recently. Lot's of Phillip K Dick short stories and a couple of William Gibson novels but the more the merrier.

DAY 1

What happened yesterday? Well I think there were a few factors. A big one was that my ex texted me a few days ago saying she wanted to catch up and discuss picking up the last of her items. I did not respond for a few days because I did not know what to say or if I was ready...I also just didn't want to talk to her. Also, the day before I started coming down with a cold. I was very stressed over that as I have a difficult work week coming up. Also that difficult work week.

I couldn't sleep one night and I found myself without even thinking about it trawling through some private massage ads  with the pictures turned off (must remember next time: mindful not mindless browsing and no phones in bed...I should know better by now!). The words and language triggered me anyway and soon the pictures were turned back on. I found someone who looked eerily like my ex (the face was blurred out). From then I spend the next six hours on-and-off obsessively checking the ad and searching for others, being triggered by more and more pictures as I kept going. Fast forward hours of this and after fighting the urge, I finally relapsed.

I relapsed later that evening as well (chaser effect I suppose).

I also had a dream that night I was looking through escort ads and found my ex in various stages of nudity with another man. I also had a very disturbing dream involving an actress I am a big fan of. It's pretty insane that two fairly mundane relapses have such an impact on the psyche.

Still...

I am committed to at least spending the rest of April PMO-free. A goal I think is achievable and I at this stage would be quite satisfied with. I have in the past had a strict all-or-nothing attitude, and I think that has in hindsight hindered a lot of long term progress that I could have otherwise made in my recovery.

I woke up this morning from bad dreams, I immediately made myself a nice breakfast & coffee, checked through emails & messages plus updated here. I may have another rest for an hour or so as I still don't feel one hundred percent. Time to steer my way through and out of this.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #72 on: April 16, 2019, 06:47:18 AM »
DAY 3

Feels like i'm getting back on track now. It hasn't been difficult so far as i've been too busy & tired to consider anything beyond work, sleep, food and getting some things done around the home. There's just over two weeks to go until the end of April and i'm keeping my aim to make it through with no further relapses.

No activity downstairs since the relapse. I think I am still a bit sick so my energy is quite low. No thoughts or temptations so far. My ex will be coming over tomorrow to finally discuss moving the last of her belongs out. I'm a little bit nervous about it but not overthinking it. It's something that has to be done sooner or later.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #73 on: April 17, 2019, 07:02:52 AM »
DAY 4

Tired. Terrible headache. Early night.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #74 on: April 21, 2019, 03:54:59 AM »
DAY 1

The last few days I have been bedridden. I don't think i've been this sick in over a decade. I fell twice on the first day trying to make it to the kitchen because I wasn't strong enough to stand. I have a chest infection, what feels like a cold and that headache I mentioned earlier became a migrane that lasted for three days straight!

I suppose it's a reminder that I need to seriously begin addressing my health once I get better. A combination of less-than-great diet, bad sleeping patterns, no exercise and smoking & drinking way too much over the previous year have all contributed to this i'm sure.

The ex cancelled catching up at the last minute. Slightly annoying at the short notice but otherwise not having to see her was somewhat of a relief.

Since I have been sick, I have been able to cut down my cigarette intake from 15-20 to 4 a day, which two or three weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to do. I also haven't touched a drop of alcohol this month. I have been eating much better but my appetite has gone down the last few days + I have been too sick to make to down to the store. No more exercise since that last month due to being busy and sick, which has been disappointing.

Speaking of disappointing, I relapsed twice while i've been sick. I actually had no desire to and found it difficult to get aroused to any pornography. I only relapsed because I thought I could sleep better after.

Feeling a bit down about everything at the moment. It feels like almost everytime I make some committment like this, I get sick or some utterly overwhelming situation in life occurs one or two weeks in.

Did I mention this is happening while i'm on a scheduled week holiday from work...