Author Topic: Orbiters Journal of Recovery  (Read 6797 times)

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #25 on: April 04, 2017, 01:25:08 AM »
I like to believe that if we act on our intuition, life will reward us. But that's damn hard. Because our intuition often isn't as strongly developed as our reason. Our reason, which is so vulnerable to outside influences. Society. And our intuition is numbed by society's artificial rewards. Porn, for instance.

It isn't natural to worry about the long term. But by making bad decisions in the short run, we've ruined our long term. So we must think long-term long enough, i.e., reboot, until we can think short-term again. How's that? :)

Fair enough! :D

DAY 3

Tired. So tired. I seem to have no energy at all this week, don't really feel like doing much other than sleeping when i'm not at work. I've also been having lots of intrusive porn-related thoughts and urges. I was woken up by them this morning, it took me some time before I fully woke up and realized I was dwelling on these thoughts, and then I promptly shut them down. Urges to look up borderline material is also strong.

I think i'll have another quiet night tonight. Hopefully this lethargy is just a stage that will eventually pass.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #26 on: April 04, 2017, 04:29:46 AM »
Relapsed again. Feeling really disappointed at the moment.

I need to seriously think about what i'm doing wrong here.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #27 on: April 07, 2017, 02:08:58 AM »
DAY 0

Relapsed twice yesterday and once today after a seriously messed up edging session that went forever. I completely fell off the wagon this week. I think I am in a serious rut at the moment both mentally and in my life. One of the main thoughts as I fall into these sessions is "Why am I bothering staying clean anyway? What does it matter?", I don't really have any strong vision of what I would imagine or desire a 'clean' life to be. Without it, there doesn't feel like much to hang on to when the temptations hit hard.

My work is going to be closed next week, I have booked myself a small holiday along the bay which I will leave for once the weekend is over. I do not intend to bring a computer with me. I think a relaxed change of scenery, far removed from many of the stresses and familiar PMO triggers will do me some good. It should also hopefully give me some time to seriously think about what exactly i'm going to do about this problem of mine.

anhaedra

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #28 on: April 07, 2017, 02:26:00 PM »
I'm sorry to hear that.

I just hope that your relapses and edging binges will only fuel your motivation, so you'll be stronger from now on. Better equipped to succeed.

"What does it matter?" It matters because you gotta get out of that rut, of course! It's the perfect motivation. But to get out you may have to improve more aspects of your life.
Prying open my third eye.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #29 on: April 08, 2017, 05:45:10 PM »
I'm sorry to hear that.

I just hope that your relapses and edging binges will only fuel your motivation, so you'll be stronger from now on. Better equipped to succeed.

"What does it matter?" It matters because you gotta get out of that rut, of course! It's the perfect motivation. But to get out you may have to improve more aspects of your life.

Spot on Anhaedra! I think that really gets to the crux of this. Though I am hesitant to write too much about my life as I don't particularly want my recovery journal to become a diary or whatever, I think there are aspects of my life that have come to a standstill, and I need to seriously think about improving if I am make a decent go of rebooting. I leave on holiday tomorrow so there won't be much journaling from me, but it should be a good time to reflect, free of some of the usual triggers of my day to day life. Also...

DAY 2

Still clean.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #30 on: October 06, 2017, 08:08:06 PM »
DAY 1

It's been a long, dark few months. Trying to get back on track with this.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #31 on: October 07, 2017, 07:25:31 AM »
If I can just make it through tonight, then I will be one day clean.

I feel over this year, I have experienced a parting-of-ways with a lot of my closest friends and people close to me. It is no surprise at the age that I am at that friends tend to split and be moved by life in seperate ways, somehow I thought I was surrounded by people who would ensure I would never lose too many.

I can't recall a time in years i've felt this isolated. I am struggling to find connections to make and form some sort of semi-regular social network out of friends and familiars but it is proving difficult. Many people I know have moved overseas or interstate, many people are married, many people have children, many people are expecting any or all of the above within the next two years.

Irrational as it is, it is difficult not to feel somewhat left behind. I know these feelings of isolation are common to men in my position of life at this age. It does make quitting much more difficult that it did when I first attempted this back in 2012. In the isolation, it's easy to forget why I decided to reboot in the first place. After all this time trying again and again, connecting with life seems harder than ever.

RealityCheck

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #32 on: October 07, 2017, 12:14:56 PM »
Orbiter,

I understand your pain.  Let's take this one at a time.

First of all, regardless of what's going on in your social life, you recognize that it's better for you all around to get away from PMO.  From reviewing your triggers, I think there's a relatively easy solution to start with: no laptop or tablet in your bedroom ever.  There shouldn't be a strong emotional tie in walking your laptop into your room.  The emotional urge comes when you have the internet at your fingertips and your sex drive is hungry.

Another relatively easy simple strategy is not to touch your belt.  It sounds dumb, but you can't masturbate if you keep your belt on.  Just don't touch it.  When you find yourself starting to undo it, catch yourself, and keep your hands off of it.  Again, there shouldn't be a strong emotional tie to grabbing your belt.

Finally, from a mental perspective, just get through one day.  Then, when you feel an urge the next day, think about all the work you put in the day before.  You don't want to do that again!  Focus on not wasting the previous day's efforts.  Then, the next day, this motivation will be even stronger, because you will have put in two days of hard work.  I'm on Day 41 right now, in large part because of this strategy.  Do you think there's any chance I'll relapse today and erase the past 40 days?! Of course not.  Use this snowball effect to your advantage. 

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #33 on: October 08, 2017, 02:22:52 AM »
Hey thanks for dropping by Realitycheck. Truth be told, this is all good advice. I can't think of a relapse in recent times that wasn't in the bedroom. I've known it all this time but for some reason I seem unwilling to adhere to the rules I set out for myself, even know I know they will work. I clearly do have some emotional attachment to using my laptop in my room. It isn't something that is necessary by any means and I need to seriously work on some alternative habits.

Quote
Finally, from a mental perspective, just get through one day.  Then, when you feel an urge the next day, think about all the work you put in the day before.  You don't want to do that again!  Focus on not wasting the previous day's efforts.  Then, the next day, this motivation will be even stronger, because you will have put in two days of hard work.

This is really good advice. For some reason i've never really thought of it this way. There's so much effort that goes in only to pull things together enough post-relapse to function. If nothing else, it would be such a welcome break from having to do that. My urge control is unfortunately zero, and I think I will need to do some soul-searching if I am going to free myself of this.

When I was on the YBR forums, one of the RecoveryNation.com was making a list of values on how I would like my life to be. Despite my continuing struggles, life has come a long way from that. Maybe it's time those values are reassessed.


anhaedra

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #34 on: October 09, 2017, 01:25:41 PM »
Orbiter, so good to hear from you! Finally, a word from someone who started here the same time as I did.

And I'm so feeling you, as far as your post about "isolation" goes... I'm in the exact same position. All my friends are getting kids and are leading lives that are just so different from mine, to a point where I'm starting to look down on them for being so predictable and "married with children" kind-of-boring, you know?

I am currently learning to cherish my loneliness, turn it into a virtue, a strength, a liberty, a "being alone and self-sufficient" instead of a lonely state of being.

These people, they don't know what we're going through, or what's driving us. They would never choose this path. I've been in a long relationship, and trust me, lots of those guys are struggling with porn, and unsatisfying sex lives, and just plain boring lives, too. You gotta get rid of society's demands, like, everyone acting as if being with someone is better than being alone... that's just bullshit. Life always has its ups & downs, no matter who you're with.

This is definitely something you and I both will get out of stronger men than before, trust me on this. If you conquer loneliness... who can fucking touch you anymore? It's only natural for people to spend time alone every now and then, don't let society, or worse social media, screw with that inborn need we all have to be left alone sometimes. There's power in being alone.

So yeah... how's the reboot going? :) I still keep a journal here, although it's rarely updated these days.
Prying open my third eye.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #35 on: October 10, 2017, 12:58:12 AM »
Orbiter, so good to hear from you! Finally, a word from someone who started here the same time as I did.

And I'm so feeling you, as far as your post about "isolation" goes... I'm in the exact same position. All my friends are getting kids and are leading lives that are just so different from mine, to a point where I'm starting to look down on them for being so predictable and "married with children" kind-of-boring, you know?

I am currently learning to cherish my loneliness, turn it into a virtue, a strength, a liberty, a "being alone and self-sufficient" instead of a lonely state of being.

These people, they don't know what we're going through, or what's driving us. They would never choose this path. I've been in a long relationship, and trust me, lots of those guys are struggling with porn, and unsatisfying sex lives, and just plain boring lives, too. You gotta get rid of society's demands, like, everyone acting as if being with someone is better than being alone... that's just bullshit. Life always has its ups & downs, no matter who you're with.

This is definitely something you and I both will get out of stronger men than before, trust me on this. If you conquer loneliness... who can fucking touch you anymore? It's only natural for people to spend time alone every now and then, don't let society, or worse social media, screw with that inborn need we all have to be left alone sometimes. There's power in being alone.

So yeah... how's the reboot going? :) I still keep a journal here, although it's rarely updated these days.

Hey Anhaedra, good to hear from you too! I've lurked occasionally over the last few months and checked in yours & others journals but haven't posted as i've been too busy...well, relapsing and struggling through the previous few months. Honestly I basically gave up. I believe exhaustion from reboot attempts (my first attempt was in April 2012!), not properly dealing with stressful issues in life (work and some difficult friends specifically) not properly understanding or dealing with the emotional effect of some of the changes in life we have been talking about as well as simply not committing adequately to the process has meant i've had little good to report.

It feels good to be back and getting clean again though. I'm glad to see the progress you've been making through the months and that you never gave up on fighting the good fight!

I can feel you can relate to much of what i'm saying. I don't hold it against the people I know for choosing the path that they have, but I know in my heart the road less travelled is for me. I have many personal ambitions that would not co-exist well with having a family and the family is (at least for now) not a role I could see myself in. I believe there are millions of paths & possibilities in life an individual can take, and the family is one of them.

Of course I do not look down on anyone and would never let myself look down on another person for taking a different path in life from my own. It however has hit home this year how lonely a path ours can be at our age.

I agree with you on all those points. Many people with wives and kids can and do have lonely, frustrating & isolated lives and also struggle with the same issues with porn as we do. I personally have little interest in societies demands, and quit all social media long ago as I believe it to be an insidious, emotionally manipulative platform of 'communication'. What I am trying to figure out is how I can break out of this cycle of addiction and make meaningful connections with others and the world around (I believe this is a very important part of breaking the cycle) at our period on life in a way that works with my life and values.

In the meantime, I have been focusing on the smaller picture and have worked on getting some better habits in life. I have started exercising again, I am following my rules re using computers, I am eating better and am in the process of thinking of habits and ambitions that will shift my life and frame of mind away from being a slave to porn addiction. It honestly just feels really good being 4 days clean and away from porn I gotta say.

EDIT: P.S. DAY 4!
« Last Edit: October 10, 2017, 01:01:18 AM by Orbiter »

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #36 on: October 12, 2017, 04:11:44 AM »
DAY 6

Things are good but I can also feel things getting tougher. I have to be careful over the next few days as to how I spend my time and manage my thoughts. I have had no strong urges, libido is low and I have had very few intrusive thoughts. I am however feeling an anxious stirring in my chest similar to the feeling of quitting cigarettes (a much easier task). I will keep my computer use to a minimum over the next 2 or 3 days. Reading, creative tasks, excercise & getting out of the house, even if it's a solitary outing, should hopefully keep me in a balanced frame of mind and out of temptation.

On a more positive note, I am enjoying the feeling of being 6 days clean. My mind feels like a better place to be in. Work has been easier despite a stressful week and I feel more comfortable in my own skin and around others. I remember when I was quitting cigarettes, a strong motivator was how much better it felt to be not smoking (withdrawals & cravings aside). My motivators feel similar in this case.

One day at a time. Moving forward.


RealityCheck

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #37 on: October 12, 2017, 09:36:15 AM »
Fantastic post, Orbiter!  You can now use the positive feelings are you experiencing as a result of fighting your urges as more motivation to continue.  I believe that key to quitting our habit/addiction is to build MORE and MORE incentive as time goes on.  It should be getting easier and easier for us, not harder and harder.  That way, we can know that over time, the hardest part is behind us.

With that being said, it's not realistic to think that EVERY day will be better than the last.  I'm certain there may be some days in the future that urges will be particularly strong.  But over time, they should dissipate.  Keep it going!

anhaedra

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #38 on: October 14, 2017, 02:07:13 PM »
Agree with you. There are many "legit" paths to take in life, but for many including myself it takes half a lifetime to figure it out which is a waste... but better late than never.

I understand you're in a totally different position as far as your reboot is concerned. But please, if you get to the point of flatline, do everything you can to "re-wire." My current impression is that I'll be flatlined, or "de-wired," forever, if I don't reconnect with someone or something. Basically, by rebooting for months, most of the time on hard mode, I've pulled the plug from my sexual brain. So all porn urges are gone. But at some point, you need to plug it back in!

In the absence of any dating or the like, I'm using my meditation sessions to visualize romantic or sexual encounters, free of any porn elements, mind you. I think it's working. The idea of meeting women is starting to feel less alien to me. For a while, I was almost starting to think I was gay or bisexual. But it was probably an effect of being de-wired... Without a sexual brain, men and women appear the same. So relatively speaking, men appear more attractive to you than before. Which fucking scared the shit out of me.

Should probably be writing this in my own journal.. So yeah, keep it up, and you'll be surprised how easy it'll get. Instead of fighting the urges, you'll almost want the urges to come back. That's my battle right now.
Prying open my third eye.

phoenix0015

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #39 on: October 14, 2017, 11:04:47 PM »
Hello Orbiter,

I can relate with your struggle as I am going to through similar situation.

But only not PMOing will motel work as we need to understand ABSTINENCE IS NOT RECOVERY.

So we can have 300 PMO free days and still not recover unless we change the way we think and live.

There is an excellent post on YBR about this, please read it. Here is the link.

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/threads/my-thoughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post.15558/#post-272668

So many a times, PMO is only part of a problem or even just a symptom.

So make this journey about making yourself and your life better rather than just having PMO free days.

Exercise and meditation helps a lot so try to include them as much possible in your daily routine.
I am trying to do the same.

And wish you and all the friends here all the best.

I also use with persistence and each others help, we will be able to get rid of this bad habit and make our lives better.

Smiles,

Phoenix

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #40 on: October 15, 2017, 05:56:54 AM »
Thank you for the fantastic posts and showings of support Reality, Anhaedra & Phoenix. I shall endeavor to do the same in return. Lots of great points that I will have to address in a future post as it is getting late and I should turn the computer off for the night.

DAY 1

It is disappointing & embarrassing to come on here and say this but for accountability's sake I must. While everything mostly went as planned and I had a great, productive, restorative weekend, I also relapsed yesterday and the day before. Both times I have done what I can to bounce back and not become too discouraged. Both times were during the day (which is unusual for me). I couldn't really think of any reason it happened other than I perhaps got too sure of myself and slipped into a relapse. The following day being the usual 'chaser'.

I have kept myself busy with exercise, catching up on creative pursuits and spending time with friends as planned. A combination of this, healthy eating and getting enough rest has helped me somewhat bounce back. Other than that, not much that can be done now except get back on the wagon, look out over the new few days and endeavor to do better this week.
« Last Edit: October 15, 2017, 06:08:04 AM by Orbiter »

anhaedra

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #41 on: October 15, 2017, 01:57:25 PM »
At least for me, exercising and nutrition are key to better self-control and discipline, yet for anyone I guess, they can act as an apt substitute for porn or masturbation. Like I wrote several times in my own journal, my porn use decreased noticeably before I even heard of rebooting, and it coincided with going to the gym and eating healthy. You'll feel much better about yourself, which I think for most of us, weeds out the most deeply rooted source of porn addiction -- self-loathing and depression.

Also, it releases neurochemicals that make you feel good, just like porn, and you'll have a new hobby that can take A LOT of your time if you get serious about it, so you'll have less time and energy to practice or even think about PMO.

(And by going to the gym I mean lifting weights. Treadmills are pretty useless.)

(And by eating healthy I mean more protein and healthy fats, less carbs, and zero fast carbs. Which boils down to unprocessed foods, basically.)
Prying open my third eye.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #42 on: October 25, 2017, 02:57:32 AM »
DAY 3

Several relapses over the previous week. The relapses were super compulsive in nature and deeply unsatisfying of course! I attribute it mostly to not handling some stressful work situations as well as I could have as well as a weekend that I was partying perhaps a bit too hard for someone on their guard not to relapse. I have been clean this week and I am hereby recommitting myself to recovery.

On a more positive note, I have managed to reconnect with some friends over the past two weeks. I think I have always taken for granted maintaining my friendships and social connections. I believe as we get older, it will require more effort and consideration to maintain these connections. It also protects someone recovering from this addiction from being isolated and I think that living among others and making these connections is an important part of recovering.

I have also maintained my diet and exercise throughout. As a result, not only do I feel more physically resilient but mentally and emotionally as well. One by one, I hope to start substituting pornography and the dependency on it as a coping mechanism with more positive things in my life. I think my life, and frame of mind in general, need to go such changes if I am to make any progress.

RealityCheck

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #43 on: October 26, 2017, 09:20:37 AM »
Love your last post, Orbiter.  I think that being aware as to WHY we look to porn is essential to overcome it. 

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #44 on: February 21, 2018, 03:15:12 AM »
SINCE I LAST POSTED:

* First made lots of progress with exercise, socializing & confidence.

* Discovered 'gooning' and online porn & edging communities.

* Feel deeper into porn addiction than I ever have in my life.

* Hopelessly addicted & engaging in shameful, depraved edging sessions for literally hours.

* Gave up on ever being free or being in a relationship ever again.

* Things began to turn around with a positive and social Christmas & New Year holiday

* Got my first girlfriend in almost ten years two weeks later

* Spend almost every day together & fall head over heels for eachother

* ED first two times having sex which slowly improves over a month

* Look at almost no porn in this time

* Lots of sex with strong erections but almost impossible to cum

* Girlfriend is upset but after talking agree to work through this together

* Relapse two days ago

* Have sex with girlfriend next day. Go soft inside her. She is devastated

* Relapse again today. Feel terrible, frustrated, guilty.

* Recommitting to reboot process from now!

Day 0

More to come soon...

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #45 on: February 22, 2018, 05:00:33 PM »
DAY 2

Day 1 was busy and tiring, therefore urges or chaser effect was minimal to non-existent.

Until the end of last year I was keeping up a regular exercise schedule that I feel the need to restart again. I also feel like my mental health, libido, focus and energy were far better during this period then they are now.

Woke up this morning with strong morning wood that must've lasted for close to 30 mins. This is has been happening more often lately that i've been 'rewiring' with my new girlfriend and while it doesn't mean much, it still feels good to know that, at least physiologically speaking, everything still works.

I'll do my best to make today a positive one.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #46 on: February 23, 2018, 11:30:34 PM »
DAY 3

Exercised yesterday, it felt good to get back into it. I went out for drinks later that day with an old friend who was visiting from overseas.

Very hungover today with little to no libido.

chiefmitch88

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #47 on: February 24, 2018, 09:35:03 AM »
Hey Orbiter,

Your efforts to be free of this addiction do matter. There is no quest more noble than bringing light to the internal darkness. Its the only thing we have any real control over in this world. Keep your chin up, I've had dozens of slips. You see the problem, keep journaling and tracking progress. One day at a time.
If you're a reader I recommend The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson or Breaking the Cycle by George Collins. Both great places to start on your journey. The former is about creating healthy daily habits (not addiction focused), the latter is about dealing with all forms of sex based addictions. Reading and guided meditation helps get my mind off of the obsessive overthinking that underwrites my addiction.
Best of luck, I'm rooting for you!


Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #48 on: February 26, 2018, 12:30:38 AM »
Hey Orbiter,

Your efforts to be free of this addiction do matter. There is no quest more noble than bringing light to the internal darkness. Its the only thing we have any real control over in this world. Keep your chin up, I've had dozens of slips. You see the problem, keep journaling and tracking progress. One day at a time.
If you're a reader I recommend The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson or Breaking the Cycle by George Collins. Both great places to start on your journey. The former is about creating healthy daily habits (not addiction focused), the latter is about dealing with all forms of sex based addictions. Reading and guided meditation helps get my mind off of the obsessive overthinking that underwrites my addiction.
Best of luck, I'm rooting for you!


Hey thanks so much for dropping by chiefmitch88. All wise words and good recommendations. I read The Slight Edge 3 or 4 years ago, it's fantastic and i'd actually entirely forgotten about it so thank you for reminding me. I haven't read Breaking the Cycle but I shall have to check it out.

DAY 5

Asexual, dead dick, tired, over it! That's today and yesterday as well. I attempted sex with my girlfriend 3 times over the weekend. First time I went soft in her almost instantly. Second time I remained hard but abstained from PIV and stuck to oral, could not cum. Third time I felt completely asexual and uninterested, no response downstairs whatesoever. She has been so understanding about it and said several times we can work through it together, but I know it hurts her and I just hope I can even return to having erections again. It's so disturbing personally to be with her and suddenly feel no sexual desire at all.

Alas I think I may have fallen into a flatline. If it weren't for my girlfriend, it would be a relief to not feel constant urges and sexual frustration for a change. Also I feel stressed and exhausted from work and other dramas in life. All I want to do is go to bed and sleep for the next 3 weeks.

Orbiter

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Re: Orbiters Journal of Recovery
« Reply #49 on: February 26, 2018, 11:51:48 PM »
DAY 6

Tired, frustrated, nothing downstairs. Seeing GF tonight.

Wish me luck!