Author Topic: rise and shine  (Read 3505 times)

ddmmyyyy

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #50 on: November 25, 2018, 07:58:37 AM »
DAY 18 - DAY 19

Had a good weekend so far. Not much time alone until now, so no time for urges and stuff.Tired today, but all good.
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Hopin4Better

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #51 on: November 26, 2018, 01:07:27 PM »
Great Job buddy. Keep it going almost to 3 weeks.

ddmmyyyy

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #52 on: November 27, 2018, 05:26:12 AM »
Thanks man! It's actually a bit tougher right now, than I would have hoped. But no way I'm giving in to PMO / Porn / binging.

DAY 20 - DAY 21

Somehow I lost my positive outlook over the past week. Not really sure why. Maybe it's just the stage of my reboot (over two weeks), because I am used to go at least 10 days without any problems. Now that my primitive brain realized I am serious this time, it makes me feel bad...
Maybe it's just a bit of an autumn down and the lack of sun. Or the lack of physical activity. Didn't do any sports for the past two weeks. But that will change this evening. And I'll get back to meditation right after I finished this post. I am disappointed with myself, that I seem to be unable to make meditation a daily habit.

I also have to acknowledge that I MOed yesterday, which is completely against my plan. I'm not in hardmode anyway, since I have more or less regular sex with my gf. But I stayed away form MOing for the first 20 days and it's the only way for me. Even though, it was a quick thing, without fantasizing about porn or anything but my gf and without edging and prolonging the act, I felt rally bad and depressed afterwards. I won't reset my counter for MOing once, but I need to make sure it was a one time slip to keep my positive feeling about this streak.


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ddmmyyyy

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #53 on: November 27, 2018, 06:21:32 PM »
DAY 22

Was ok. Still struggling a bit with motivation and mood in general. But I think I am getting more positive again, day by day. Meditated today and did some sport. Definitely going to meditate again tomorrow.

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ddmmyyyy

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #54 on: November 28, 2018, 06:21:17 PM »
DAY 23

I was in a REALLY bad mood all day. Struggled to get my work done and luckily I did not have to communicate with a lot of people during the day. Would have had a hard time to hide my anger. Doesn't happen often that I am so grumpy and negative about anything and everything. Went out for a drink with a friend in the evening as I had it already scheduled. Surprisingly my mood improved and I feel ok now.
I hope this was just a single bad day or - even better - it's temporary side effects of the reboot. As this would mean, things are about to change and should improve in the long run. Anyway, no real urges today, but it's still a struggle!
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ddmmyyyy

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #55 on: November 29, 2018, 06:18:37 PM »
DAY 24

Felt better again today. Not great, but ok. Was away working pretty much the whole day. It's way better than home office. I need to keep this a priority - making enough money, so I can rent a co-working space permanently. Working part time from home not only makes staying away form porn harder, it also makes being happy harder... when you don't get out enough. And being unhappy makes not PMOing even more difficult. And there you are, right in the downward spiral...

But I'm going strong and looking forward to getting closer to the 4 week mark!
Good night and stay focused!
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Andyshealthyself

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #56 on: November 29, 2018, 06:45:28 PM »
I know the feeling of working from home. I worked from home a few days ago because of a snowstorm and that’s when I relapsed... I struggled real hard after that and it spiraled. I’m back on track now but it’s so hard to avoid it when you are home alone. Just gotta focus on what projects you can take on. A lot of times I’ll pick up my guitar or play some games of chess to avoid PMO. Keep at it man, doing great!

ddmmyyyy

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #57 on: November 30, 2018, 06:51:17 PM »
Thanks for your support Andy! And good to know you are back on track as well!Home office is always dangerous. I usually have different projects I can focus on. But sometimes you are just to lazy and/or need some rest.

DAY 25

Worked at home again today. Got some strong urges and tempting thoughts. They didn't last too long, but came back regularly. If I wouldn't be at 25 days already I would have given in for sure. I am in the phase now, where I tend to forget that I can't control porn and I feel like I deserve a little treat from time to time. Everybody does it and it won't be so bad... But, well... luckily I know that feeling already.

Staying strong and fighting it day by day.
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ddmmyyyy

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #58 on: December 04, 2018, 06:08:19 PM »
DAY 26 - DAY 29

Mood and motivation have been mediocre the last days. Still struggling. Today I got really close to relapsing, as my mind was trying to convince me to go back to porn again and again throughout the day. Usually, when I thought about porn - in a non explicit manner - during the last months I concluded, that I don't need it, don't like it and don't want it. That I gain nothing from it. (Didn't stop me from PMOing once in a while anyways, when I just gave in without thinking about it.) But now it's getting tougher and my brain starts telling me again, that I want it, that I would like it and that I deserve it.

Still, I am porn free for 4 weeks now and I will fight to extend that streak. I was lazy during the last week with my plan, to go to bed early and meditate in the morning. I know I need to change that and stick to it or I will fail sooner or later.
« Last Edit: December 05, 2018, 04:39:44 AM by ddmmyyyy »
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ddmmyyyy

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #59 on: May 09, 2019, 05:51:21 PM »
DAY 00

Time to get back to posting. Made it to day 47 on my last documented attempt. For the past 4 months I continued to have casual relapses after 5-14 days average. Things went well mostly and I guess I could go on like that living an average life without feeling like a porn-addict. But I always knew that I am still far from using my full potential - in life, work and my relationship - this way. I was still using porn to calm myself down and tranquilise my mind when I was stressed, depressed or anxious. Even though it was never out of control. I always postponed getting back to journaling... don't really know why. I just kept reading on here.

Lately things have gone a bit downhill. I have a serious (not life threatening and hopefully fully or at least mostly reversible) physical problem for almost 2 months now. Trying everything I can to improve the situation. But right now I am very limited in my social activities and I can only work part time. This means financial and emotional pressure. My relationship is still going well, but I am having issues with jealousy at the moment - which I am not used to. My self-esteem is suffering big time from not being able to work and having minimal social activities at the moment. This feeds into jealousy and makes me want to check my gf phone for anything suspicious. (I know she is going out with work associates regularly. She is very open about it and doesn't hide anything.)  I have not acted on this impulse and I hope I never will, because I do trust her and I would feel like shit afterwards. All this made me relapse more often during the last week and sent me further down the rabbit hole  :(

I am feeling quite depressed right now and I am a bit scared to fuck everything up. So it's really time to turn the wheel around. I will try to reintroduce meditation into my life from tomorrow on, hoping that it will also help with my jealousy issues.
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EmB123

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #60 on: May 10, 2019, 12:59:16 AM »
Think it’s a good sign you’re back to the journal. Keep the focus.

ddmmyyyy

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #61 on: May 10, 2019, 04:31:37 PM »
DAY 01

Thanks for your message EmB. It's definately a step in the right direction! Today was a better day. I started my meditation and was more active in general. Had another moment of jealousy in the afternoon, when my gf didn't reply for a while and I started to imagine stupid things again. But I accepted it and it passed. And I realized how stupid and unnecessary it is afterwords. There is absolutely no reason for it. It's just my momentary lack of self esteem and selfworth thats worrying me that she finds other men more attractive then myself...
Went out to have a few drinks with friends in the evening and it felt really good to socialize again. I really think I just need to get my life back - socializing with friends and finding purpose in work again and this problem will fade away again.
And of course no PMO today.
« Last Edit: May 10, 2019, 04:52:56 PM by ddmmyyyy »
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ddmmyyyy

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #62 on: May 12, 2019, 03:49:27 AM »
DAY 02

Another step in the right direction. Some mild cravings in the afternoon, but nothing I couldn't handle. (Considering how easily I relapsed multiple times without a second thought for the past two weeks, I might have relapsed again, but restarting journaling and meditation got me back an track.)

Meditation - check
No PMO - check

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ddmmyyyy

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #63 on: May 13, 2019, 02:01:14 AM »
DAY 03

Not too much to report. Mood was not as good during the day as the 2 days before, but all ok. Had a nice evening with my gf. We had some intense sex later in the evening, so today I need to be super alert because of my chaser-effect sensibility. Did my meditation. Gonna try to make day four a productive one. (I usually struggle a bit on mondays.)
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Pete McVries

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #64 on: May 15, 2019, 12:27:25 AM »
Hey ddmmyyyy,

I read your first few entries and then skimmed through your journal! Good on you for coming back and posting again.

I just have a few quick tips from my own personal experience, if I may:

1. Don't vanish after a relapse. Relapsing sucks and reporting a relapse is a pain in the ass as well. But no one of us is perfect and if you don't hold yourself accountable to yourself and others, you give your addiction way too much power. Also, no one will ostracize you for it (at least no one in the right mind...)

2. From my own personal experience, I would recommond hard mode to you (no PMO, no MO). I found that when I MO, I always crave for more. I masturbated enough times in my life and also I don't see the point in MOing anymore. At least not on a (semi-)regular basis.

3. Making it through the first 40-60 days is key. It will get easier after that. Abstaining from PMO will become the new norm, like a habit, and the DeltaFosB will have vanished which will reduce the cravings by a huge margin. Embrace the grind in the beginning!

4. Relapsing every other week might even make your addiction stronger. I can't find the article right now (but it is somewhere on YBOP) but if you relapse every weekend (for example), the pathways of your addiction might become stronger than if you were to relapse every two days or so. I know, it sounds paradoxical but apparently, there is some truth to it.

5. No negative self talk. Relapses may happen and if you keep relapsing, you might not have found the right formula for you yet. If you start bashing yourself, you will put more and more pressure on your shoulders and every eventual relapse will become more dramatic until you throw in the sponge or so... Keep trying until you succeed!

6. Take yourself up on your promise. No negative self talk but also no slacking. You are here for a reason. PMO has affected you negatively in one way or the other and it will continue to hurt you, if you keep it in your life. Be aware of the fact that it has the power to destroy relationships, mess up your sexuality, negativel affect your career or do other harm.

7. Be kind to yourself and take care of your basic human needs. Relapses are more likely to happen when you are hungry, thirsty, cold, lonely, ill, hungover and so on and so forth. Therefore, I also recommend you to stop drinking alcohol if you drink. Personally, I'm always super horny when I'm hungover. Therefore, I stopped drinking for now.

8. Analyze your triggers or your relapse patterns. The better you know your enemy, the better you can fight. Relapses don't usually happen in a heartbeat. There are preceding sexual fantasies or certain activities that lead the way of a relapse. The sooner you say 'no' and manage to snap out of the relapse the easier it will be. Once you got the clips loaded and your pants at your ankles, it's already too late.

That's all I can think of for now! I hope, I could be of some help...

Take care and I'm curious to follow your journey!
nine months clean and counting...

ddmmyyyy

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #65 on: May 16, 2019, 11:19:00 AM »
Thank you Pete for all the valuable input! I'll get through it point by point.

1. Actually I never really vanished because of a relapse I think. Usually I started to give less updates after some time, lost focus, felt not addicted anymore and so on. By the time I relapsed I had already stopped being active. So for me, it's more like staying active in my journal after the first month and maybe posting more personal stuff. Otherwise posting gets very repetitive after a while. I felt like I didn't want to expose myself by giving away too much information, so that I will stay anonymous in case someone who knows me reads this. Maybe that's bullshit after all.

2. Absolutely. I guess it's not "real" hardmode as I will not abstain from sex with my gf. But PMO, MO and fantasizing are definately off the table. Not masturbating from time to time seemed crazy and unnatural for me about a year ago. But like you, I discovered that there is no point in it really.

3. Hopefully I'll get to 60+ days this time. Made it above the 40 day mark twice and still relapsed...

4. That's an intersting point. If anyone knows where to find this article, let me know! And I guess you are right. On the one hand it makes me feel less addicted than before and my life improved a lot since I made it from PMOing about 6 out of 7 days to 1 out of 7 days in average. But even more than before I am now using it as medication when I feel down or depressed. I never really have the feeling anymore that I want to watch porn because I like. I only crave the dopamine and the (short time) emotional relieve I get from it.

5. & 6. True. I think I managed not being too negative after a relapse already some time ago. But even though I am not bashing myself I usually have a hard time to get back on the rebooting track seriously. (I don't binge also. I just keep relapsing weekly for months...)

7. Good point as well. I still drink alcohol, but in a moderate way. If I am not getting wasted with a hangover I am fine. Drinking all night and being miserable with a hangover was a sure recipe for a relapse though. Compared to my previous two serious streaks it's harder this time because of my medical condition right now. (A lower back injury that prevents me from being active and working and basically almost everything I enjoy in life. I am as active as I can, which includes walking and physio-therapy. But I miss working out and doing real sports activities.)

8. Done that already months ago, but it's definately time to contemplate about my triggers again. And write it down, to make sure I will stay ahead of them...

So, thanks again! A lot of things I already thought about past. But it's important to re-internalize those things.
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ddmmyyyy

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #66 on: May 16, 2019, 11:33:35 AM »
DAY 04 - DAY 07

It's ups and downs. Mostly downs right now unfortunately. Usually I always started with a lot of positivity and energy into a new streak when I was journaling here. Thats different this time. With my lower back injury I can't really stay active. And the financial pressure is getting more intense by the day the more work I have to cancel. A lot of worries with not much positivity at the moment. Haven't felt this depressed and hopeless in a long time. But all I can do for now is hang in there, trying not to relapse and continue to work on my physical recovery. Did my meditation and increased the time from 10 to 20 min per day.
I hate to be so negative and usually try to see the positive things and the potential to grow in every crisis. Right now I don't have the energy. But I think it's important to stay active here. Maybe the better days are just around the corner.
« Last Edit: May 16, 2019, 11:51:30 AM by ddmmyyyy »
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ddmmyyyy

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #67 on: May 20, 2019, 10:55:36 AM »
DAY 08 - DAY 11

I am still hanging in there and I am definately feeling better than the last time I posted. Still struggling with motivation and with my lower back issues of course - still will not change any time soon - but at least I got my hope for better days back :)I failed to do my meditaion now for two days. Once I simply forgot, and today I ran out of time. Well, I would have plenty of time during the day, as I was mainly procrastinating. Also, today was not perfect in terms of the reboot, as my mind wandered to fantasy again and again. But it was at least only about my gf and I always stopped myself before it went too far. So no touching myself or MOing.

For tomorrow my top priority is getting back to meditation (no excuses), followed by being more productive again and avoiding any kind of fantasy. Overall I feel like I am on the right way.
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Pete McVries

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #68 on: May 20, 2019, 07:25:05 PM »
Regarding the fantasies, I think they are perfectly fine and normal. But the key is not to indulge in them and daydream about sex and related stuff for a long period of time. You are not your thoughts, they come and go like clouds in the sky. And once in a while a cloud looks like a penis or like a pair of boobs ;)

Take care!
nine months clean and counting...

ddmmyyyy

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #69 on: May 22, 2019, 03:32:59 PM »
Haha, you are right, some boob clouds from time to time are fine and only normal. I just have a bad history of fantasizing as a starting point for relapsing. And when I think back, it is crazy how much I used to fantasize about sex in addition to wasting countless hours on watching porn in the past. I know I can't control my thoughts completely, but for the first few months I guess it's wise stop as soon as possible and not indulge in anything, even if it's just about my gf.

DAY 12 - DAY 13

Did my meditation and today I was more productive than the days before. Not too many urges. My back is still troubling me, but I try to make the best of it doing what I can do not worrying too much about the future.
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OrangeSpider

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #70 on: May 23, 2019, 08:17:27 AM »
I also struggle with fantasizing and going down afterwards, so I hope I can keep my eyes away from those kinda clouds.

Good job on day 13. Happy to hear you are being more productive and how meditation helps you out. I should try that; any suggestions?

ddmmyyyy

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #71 on: May 28, 2019, 02:54:39 AM »
DAY 14 - DAY 18

Most of the time was easy going, considering cravings. My focus is on my back recovery and the noPMO days seem to stack up rather effortlessly for now. Except for yesterday. Monday was another troublesome test with way too much fantasizing and procrastination again. So, there seems to be a pattern with two hard mondays in a row...
But I stayed away from PMO, M and O. The fantsizing gave me a little dopamine rush as well. That's not good, but I am happy I made it through the day. I will be super alert on the upcoming mondays. My action plan will be to be sure to meditate first thing in the morning and to go for a walk as soon as cravings hit. And to come here and post about it to stay accountable.
I am optimistic to be more productive today again. Generally things are improving. Slowly but steadily.
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Pete McVries

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #72 on: May 28, 2019, 07:04:04 AM »
You are doing great!

Making it out the hell hole of cravings/urges can be really tough in the beginning. I guess this is the main reason why the success ratio of rebooters is so low. Of course I don't have any numbers but just look at the success story section, you can hear the crickets chirp over there ;). Good thing though is that it will get so much easier at a certain point. Abstaining in the beginning can be a grind, so better embrace it  ;)
nine months clean and counting...

OrangeSpider

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #73 on: May 28, 2019, 08:09:56 AM »
Good job on having a action plan, and for identifying that need on Mondays. I definitely need to improve in that area.

ddmmyyyy

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Re: rise and shine
« Reply #74 on: June 05, 2019, 02:07:11 AM »
Thanks OS and Pete. Really looking forward to get to the point when the brain rewires and the "chemicals change" - way beyond the 40 or 60 day mark! But I am getting there. Day by day.

DAY 19 - 26

Sorry for the lack of updates. Have been away for 5 days and I don't like to type too much on my phone. Went to a music festival over the extended weekend with some friends and had (mostly) a great time. Would not have gone there with my lower back issue and my current financial situation, but everything was pre-booked months ago without the possibility of a cancellation/refund. Towards the end I had some issues with my back, but otherwise everything was great and real fun. There were a lot of beautiful girls around with not much clothes on. So there was some ogling involved, but nothing that went beyond a natural and normal level. No real sexual or porn-fantasies. Just once there was this girl that that looked exactly like one (very cute) pornstar and I got a bit obsessed to find out if its really her or not. Reminded me, that my addiction is still lingering below the surface. But again - no fantasizing about her later on. And the good thing is, it reeally took a long time until I remembered the name of that pornstar.

Right before I went to the festival I had a very strange evening. Met with my girlfriend and got angry with her about something. I still think it was reasonable to be upset and she also understood. But at the time, there was also a bit of a misunderstanding about something and I think I overreacted a bit in being pissed and unkind. I am usually a very calm person and it was the first time ever we had any kind of disagreement since we got together. Anyway, it was resolved rather quickly the same evening and afterwords I really got emotional and started crying in her arms. (Not just because of that issue, but my whole situation right now. Maybe also because of my reboot and the involved higher emotionality?) I had not cried in a very long time before. Also crying and being comforted by a girlfriend is something completely new to me. At first I felt a bit ashamed about it. Deep down I think I have this conception of always pretending to be strong and not too emotional, being able to deal with everything by myself. I know it's stupid. So in a way, this felt very liberating. Letting my "guard" down and giving up control, being comforted by her and not judged in any way.

Today morning I feared I have to reset my counter. I thought I accidentaly stumbled upon a very explicit nude image on my phone right after waking up and kept looking at it and orgasmed pretty fast because I didn't have sex in over a week (and no O) and am easily aroused at the moment. Later I realized I just dreamed to wake up but it was really still a dream :D So no counter reset fortunately. But another reminder, that my lizzard brain is not giving up jet and that I need to stay alert ;)
« Last Edit: June 05, 2019, 02:12:20 AM by ddmmyyyy »
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