Author Topic: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal  (Read 22402 times)

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #200 on: July 15, 2017, 01:55:04 PM »
Thanks man. Let me know what you think of my journal. It's become quite a read, tho...

I'll check your journal later if you have one.
Prying open my third eye.

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #201 on: July 16, 2017, 01:21:52 PM »
I MO'd just now. Quick release. No porn, substitutes, or edging of any kind. Don't know... bit of a depressing day overall. Worried that such long abstinence, from any kind of sexual input, was doing more harm than good.

Sort of lost my focus this weekend, not just as far as rebooting goes, but overall. Like "fuck it all." Tomorrow's a new week, let's start with a fresh state of mind.

Wasn't the smartest thing to do. Didn't bring me anything. Wasn't even particularly good. Nothing like a dopamine rush as far as I can tell.

Still, progress is being made. Intervals between MO'ing are increasing exponentially. Went from daily, to every week, to two weeks, to one month and a half just now.

Another example of mental resolve faltering on multiple fronts. Was feeling really good lately, which risks getting complacent. "Yeah, let's smoke a few cigarettes when I feel like it, let's skip meditating, fuck it..."

Hard-pressed to believe this particular MO episode caused any real damage. Like I said, it was of the lackluster kind. No true excitement. Just... checking on my tools. That's the right way to put it. Maintenance. Not saying it got me any step further. But saying it was harmless. Or saying the point is moot.

Because the real problem here is I can't find somebody to love. I'm clueless as to how. No one to rewire with. That's the finishing touch my reboot needs. More of this waiting means stalemate at best.

Let's go for a run outside now and then go to sleep and pray tomorrow morning I'll have straightened out my goals.
Prying open my third eye.

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #202 on: July 22, 2017, 11:21:31 AM »
I need to get me a new set of rules... Tried to "free-style" past few months, but I'm dropping the ball on multiple fronts lately. Going back in my journal and getting a sense of the resolve I had back then, is what I need to do.

I'm doing fine, and I'm getting better. Overall progress is still there. But one gets complacent, you know? Time to be a little harder on myself, lest this whole project just phases out into "what was I doing again?"

1. Fuck Mondays
Don't treat every week like something you can fuck up just because there's always a new Monday on which you can start anew. Any day, any moment is as good as any to start making better choices. I'm not going to improve myself next Monday, I'm going to do it starting NOW, Saturday afternoon for fuck's sake.

2. Don't Smoke Except When Going Out
Yeah, quitting smoking would be better and easier. But I don't drink and I'm eating healthy all the time. I must allow myself some leeway when having fun in the weekend. But shit man, stick to going out. Why do you even take your cigarettes inside? I managed to control my smoking this way for quite some time, and I will again. Smoking around the house or when being alone is a different thing, it's the shirking of responsibilities, it's combating boredom (ineffectively), it's procrastinating, and it's always leading me down a path of making other mistakes. Like relapsing (MO without the P, for the record). Be that strong guy that can control his smoking, whereas most others can't.

3. Don't Masturbate
Okay, I've gained a new insight for this one. Don't masturbate. But fill that available time with human contact. With dating. Don't wait until you're "fully rebooted," because in the meantime you'll deprive yourself of all sexual triggers which turns you into a sexual zombie. For every de-wiring there has to be re-wiring. Otherwise I'm not going forward. Besides, the times I masturbate it's no real fun, meaning I've de-wired myself, which is GOOD. Now take the next step, you fool.

4. Date
So yeah... date. Since when am I so afraid of dating? I had wonderful dates when I was still doing it. You know how it goes with these dating apps... first there's a ton of rejection. Don't be dissuaded so easily. In real life, I can tell women like me. Even more than before because I've started to open up since laying off the porn. With these dating apps you just have to be conscious of the skewed gender distribution. Hell, I see guys all the time, morons and ogres, having reasonable women. Real life is out there, dating apps are only a possible means to that end and do NOT reflect the real state of affairs. It's artificial. See through it and take advantage of it.

5. Meditate Daily
It works if you believe in it. Which is the whole point.

6. Sleep Well
Losing sleep is a big trigger for not following up on these rules.

7. Socialize Whenever You Can
It energizes you. Staying home depresses you.

8. Listen to Music
Cheers me up big time.

9. Stop Talking to Yourself
Stop being so rationalizing and introspective. Use your intuition. Meditation is key for this.

Quite a few rules I wrote down before are no longer applicable. Which is really cool to notice. But the above still needs some work done.

(edit) Aaaand... I smoked again. Like half an hour later. Alright. Tomorrow's a new day then. Today I should memorize the above and ingrain in me the urgency of it. Like I did before. Tomorrow's a clean slate.

God, this feels like the same routine all over again. How many times I've written journal entries like this... But I'm getting there. Step by step. Piece by piece. Overall, as a person, it's incredible how much I've grown, comparing myself to a few years, or even a few months or weeks back. I'm much more comfortable in my skin, you know? Caring less about what others think. Getting closer to who I'm meant to be, who I want to be. The most essential part that's missing, like I said before, is the right woman. A few months have gone by, and I'm still hurt and frustrated over two dates that didn't work out.

Fuck that shit. I need to this get show back on the road.
« Last Edit: July 22, 2017, 12:51:56 PM by anhaedra »
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anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #203 on: August 03, 2017, 02:39:09 PM »
Just to let you know I haven't left this place. I actually PMO'ed once or twice a while back. Lucky for me, I thought it was boring. I just needed to test my libido or something, afraid I was doing more harm than good to my body. But everything worked fine despite very low libido.

There's no other choice but to soldier on. Now start of August must serve as a fresh new start. For some reason, dating apps aren't working anymore, it's as if all women have left. Using same pictures as before, not getting ANY matches. Few months back I had a date almost every weekend. Can't wrap my head around it, but perhaps it's for the better. Was starting to feel more inclined to meet people the old-fashioned way, anyway. That's starting to work better for me than it ever did before, at least.

Lots of reasons to feel depressed, but I'm so much more resilient than before. Gotta keep going like this, even if the "road ahead is long" bla bla bla... I'm incredibly proud of myself and I. WILL. FIND. A. WAY... to meet the woman of my dreams. To find true love. And hot sex.

Fuck yeah.
Prying open my third eye.

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #204 on: August 17, 2017, 12:52:26 PM »
Not much going on here, but me having found back the spirit to keep rebooting, I guess... Meaning I feel better when I don't fap, and my libido and general interest in women is higher if I don't.

It just takes a lot of time, which is not surprising considering where I'm coming from... The chunk of my life when porn was my primary source of sexual stimulation... it's simply too big. It all needs more time to heal.

Still, the best thing that could happen to me right now, is meeting a nice woman so I can rewire. 'Cause I'm feeling terribly unwired here.

For now I've ditched the dating apps, and when going out I connect with people more easily than before. It's a start.

Had a few random semi-boners even, this past week... even if not necessarily sexual in nature. Like dozing off at work, or getting that testosterone boost after working out.

Patience... one of the virtues I lack by nature... is definitely key here. Patience and faith it'll all work out fine for me.
Prying open my third eye.

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #205 on: September 24, 2017, 01:28:04 PM »
So, over a month of no updates.

I'm masturbating like once a week, without artificial stimulation, to sort of keep things going. There's no use for total abstinence anymore, at least not in my book. Porn and its urges are never on my mind, and have not been for months on end.

Still, my libido is lacking. Flatlining ever since starting this reboot. Not into dating right now, so yeah... I think this is the best way to go. Actual sex is what I need to rewire, I guess, but I currently don't feel strong enough to pursue romantic goals.

Found out I've been overtraining myself again in the gym, which I know has quite an impact on one's libido. So I'm taking a few weeks off now, to see if that'll work any miracles for my sex drive.

Any advice is welcome, guys. :)
Prying open my third eye.

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #206 on: October 01, 2017, 12:38:45 PM »
Okay, all my "buddies" from before are gone, busy watching porn I guess, no one responding in my thread anymore.

But I soldier on.

Found out that masturbating occasionally does nothing to improve or "kickstart" my libido. Read up on the flatine phenomenon and recovery stories and my safest bet right now is that I just need way more time to fully recover, in order to leave that flatline behind.

Besides, was feeling way better when I was still in monk mode (full PMO abstinence), anyway. This testing of your libido always backfires. It's never as good as you want it to be, you start masturbating for the wrong reasons, it's just shit.
Prying open my third eye.

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #207 on: October 15, 2017, 02:01:57 PM »
There's been a noticeable rise in libido the past week. When I'm meditating or lying in bed, I get erections with almost no mental effort. It's been so long ago since that was possible, I can't tell you how glad I am.

It does feel like porn images are getting fainter and fainter in my memory, and when I'm fantasizing about sex it's more about foreplay and that kind of stuff than "hardcore" visuals. Meditation has been a tool towards this end. I actually doubt whether I'm still meditating, basically I'm conjuring a boner with my eyes closed, that's it. :)
Prying open my third eye.

Orbiter

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #208 on: October 25, 2017, 03:03:37 AM »
Out of curiosity, what is your meditation routine like Anhaedra? It is something I have thought of, but never been able to make work for me. I know many say it's an invaluable tool for recovery.

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #209 on: October 25, 2017, 03:11:53 PM »
 :(

Last night, when meditating, I didn't get a full erection like I got on previous nights, so I started "testing" myself, which led to full MO... I felt really gutted afterwards, and it seems it made quite a dent in my newfound libido. Was abstaining for like 3 or 4 weeks... feels like I'm thrown back a month now. It's probably not that bad, I know... But why did I do it? So stupid and useless.

And I can't wrap my head around how masturbating (without porn) seems to be detrimental, but let's say a woman gave me a handjob last night, that would've been beneficial to my recovery? It's the same physiological thing happening, right? Is this like a mental, placebo kind of effect? If my libido was slowly "waking up" --that's how it felt really-- why does MO put it back to sleep again? Wouldn't sex with a woman do that, too? And how long, for god's sake, how long do I have to abstain for my libido to be fully awake again?

No choice but to aim for a new month (November) of full abstinence, and then onward... I want to experience a wet dream. Somehow I think that's the point where your libido is reset, or restored to its factory default if you will. But... this is just wishful thinking. That's why it's so hard... no guarantees whatsoever on this indefinite journey I'm on.

@Orbiter
My routine is using YouTube videos, mostly relaxing, repetitive music with nature sounds, and then first taking in and letting out really deep breaths. If there's tension in your body, you feel it in your chest and stomach when you inhale as deep as you can. Imagine you're expelling that negative energy by exhaling it. Then I start counting these deep breaths for a while, it's like a flowing motion, or rhythm, that becomes apparent in your body. Sometimes I use my imagination, like visualizing myself in a jungle hut, or before a Japanese lake, or some Buddha shit, you know? Focusing on the nature sounds.

Another thing that really helps is sensing (1) how you don't NEED anything at the moment of meditation (you may WANT or DESIRE certain things, but you don't NEED them strictly taken), (2) how you don't have to DO anything as long as you're meditating, you just sit there, and (3) how you don't have to BE anything... Last one is harder, I'm still not sure what it means. I try to pretend I don't exist except in my own mind. As if reality is just a product of my imagination. Reality is how your mind conceives it, or deals with it. Reality is 100% subjective. How hard reality is on you, is entirely in your hands. Or something.

The best thing is when somehow, your breathing starts to make you feel euphoric, my skin starts tingling, and I'm just so relaxed. Sometimes I start to cry for no particular reason. I want to get to that point more often, but lately the only thing I've been doing is trying to get a boner... Which is not meditating I guess. But it is effective in directing your imagination away from porn fantasies toward natural triggers. Sort of re-wiring your sexual imagination.

Hope that helps.
Prying open my third eye.

RealityCheck

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #210 on: October 26, 2017, 08:57:27 AM »
anhaedra,

I'm not an expert, but I think the difference with a woman giving you a handjob, is when you have an orgasm and dopamine fills your reward center of your brain, you will now have a stronger association between being in the presence of women and pleasure.  If you do it yourself, women don't need to be a part of it.

Also, imagine if you didn't have to hunt to eat food.  If you had the option of just going to the grocery store, you probably wouldn't hunt, right?  Well, fulfilling your sex drive is like fulfulling hunger, and doing it yourself is going to the grocery store.  By refusing to go to the grocery store, and ONLY relying on hunting to get your nourishment, you will have no choice to get better at it.  Sure, you might make mistakes, but you will be tenacious at figuring out how to seduce a woman since that's the ONLY way you can get your release.  This will make you a better seducer than 99% of men.  That, and sex with a woman has greater potential to be more enjoyable than pleasuring yourself, both from an emotional and physical standpoint.

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #211 on: December 16, 2017, 07:21:05 AM »
So, my absence has never been longer since starting here last February. And quite frankly, I'm done with rebooting. It's a fad. At least for me, it has been.

Granted, I've quit porn. Some occasional peeking and then turning away because it doesn't really excite me the way it did. And these moments of weakness always coincide with substance use / sleep deprivation, in other words, coming home after a rave. Even then, I finish myself without porn.

So that's great. But nothing else has changed in my life. Nothing has improved. I'm doing OK. But that supposed "natural high" I experienced in February? Became "chasing the dragon" for me. The pride and elation that came with making a decision as grand as quitting porn, wears off, I guess. Ever since I'd been looking for superpowers that I never found.

And there are so very few subscribers here, that keep coming back. Almost everyone just... leaves... not really sure whether anything has improved in their lives. Compare this to the "success stories" and it makes you wonder.

Hey, maybe I wasn't addicted enough. Could very well be the case. And it was a great exercise in... asceticism, so nothing's been wasted, don't get me wrong.

And yeah, I'm still totally lost, romantically speaking. Still a monk... but that's a totally different story. In fact, I think it is, and always has been, way deeper than how I go about porn, masturbation, or sex. It's something I can't solve by simply abstaining from these things. Right now, my libido is still rather low, and my sexual stamina is close to zero... lol... because of all this abstinence. I'm basically masturbating more and more regularly right now, to get back to where I was. Only without porn this time. :)
« Last Edit: December 16, 2017, 07:22:36 AM by anhaedra »
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Sailor87

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #212 on: December 17, 2017, 08:54:55 AM »
Hello anhaedra, Ive just read the approx. first 6 pages of your thread, its been interesting to follow your day to day life and struggle! Your PIED problem doesnt seem so severe, so maybe you dont need to go hard-mode for 90 days or whatever in order to get past that. I doesnt seem like you can do it anyway :P
Regarding your communication with fitness-babe etc, I came to think of this blog post, hopefully it can help you
https://therationalmale.com/2011/09/06/the-medium-is-the-message/

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #213 on: December 18, 2017, 04:22:48 PM »
Hey Sailor87,

As I've stated before in this journal, I don't think men and women are different -- individuals are different. To hell with these generalizations.

For once, I'd like to meet someone who is not so aware of learned gender roles, but who is just the person she is. In fact, I like tomboyish girls, to some extent.  And I've got my feminine side, definitely. Every guy has it. The question is, do you show it?

We're all human beings. The last thing I want to get hung up on -- no offense, and I appreciate your feedback -- but the last thing I want to get hung up on is more of this man vs. woman bullshit, and these dating how-tos, and what not. With the fitness girl, I noticed from the start she was... semi-interested. That's why the whole thing got under my skin, and I didn't hide my doubts, either. But it made me come across as insecure, and I guess that's not what an alpha male would do, so she ran off.

All I did was be frank and transparent. And I'll keep doing that. Until some crazy fucked up woman comes along and appreciates it.

"Losing love is like a window in your heart / everybody sees you're blown apart / everybody sees the wind blow" - That's how I looked to her, probably. Wide open.
Prying open my third eye.

Sailor87

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #214 on: December 19, 2017, 06:47:20 AM »
I wouldnt so much call it feminine side, as I would call it emotional side - maybe thats just semantics, but to me there is a difference - and off course every guy has that, except perhaps serial killers, maybe.

It also sounded to me like fitness-babe was only semi interested, but that this had you confused. And I agree with you to a certain extent, all this PUA stuff with specific tactics etc, is as fake as porn in a way. However there are certain clear differences in how men and woman communicate and what they are attracted too, you can deny that all you like, but its simple biology.
Like you said somewhere yourself, women want confident men, thats a good example, for most men confidence is not as important in a partner.
You should just know that when you are too transparent, the girl will likely loose attraction, if thats what you want, then thats your choice.
You sound to me like a "hopeless" romantic, as they say :D No offense!
And there are no rules without exceptions, so maybe a crazy one will come by  :)
And btw, I am in no way an expert on anything relating to this, but a few basic things I have picked up along the way.. And im only mentioning it because it seemed like you were kind of in a dry spell at the moment. Good luck and all the best!
 

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #215 on: December 23, 2017, 07:37:31 AM »
Yeah, appreciate the feedback, truly do! It makes sense what you say.

I was just baffled by the fact I landed myself such a hot babe... I was like, this is my chance! Which put too much pressure on it. Been in a relationship for pretty much my whole adolescent life, so this meeting and fucking of random hot women kinda swept me off my feet... never thought I had it in me, you know? Never been the popular guy.

But I've learned from it. I'm better equipped now to deal with the next... target. :)
Prying open my third eye.

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #216 on: January 18, 2018, 06:14:36 AM »
Just wanted to share I recently started "Intermittent Fasting" and it cranks up my libido.

A lot of guys here are into fitness and working out, and of course this all relates heavily to libido. Fitness = libido, basically.

So if any of you guys experience depressed libido, be it from porn addiction or rebooting abstinence, try IF.

Basically, you eat all your food within an 8-hour period, so you'll fast 16 hours each day (including sleep). Boils down to skipping your breakfast. I eat all my stuff between 1 PM and 9 PM.

Incredible mental clarity, no energy dips. And definitely increased libido.

Think about it. Fasting is supposed to be as natural to any human being as feeding or sleeping. Thing is, in our society these days, we never fast anymore, because there's a constant supply of food. We're missing out on this essential physiological condition. Humans evolved on fasting, and as such fasting has incredible health benefits.

Don't think you'll feel weak when fasting. Think about it. Fasting should actually activate an organism. To find food, you know? The other way around would be a vicious cycle. So fasting actually "wires" you, physically and mentally.

You'll also burn fat more easily and put on muscle more easily. Better hormonal regulation. Think of it as sleep -- the more you miss out on it, the more "off" your hormones become.
« Last Edit: January 18, 2018, 06:16:45 AM by anhaedra »
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anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #217 on: February 07, 2018, 10:08:19 AM »
A little update from me, not necessarily related to rebooting but this thing has always been more of diary than anything else, anyway.

My sleep problems went through the roof the last couple of weeks. I wake up around 2 AM, unable to sleep afterwards. Busy job, some studies in the evening, working out every other day without even once taking a break in two years' time, and on top of that, regular excessive combined substance use during weekends.

I'll tell you something -- I thought I was invincible, but I'm not. Nobody can sustain that kind of lifestyle. I'm 34 years old, mind you. Recently I spoke to an old friend, and he's the first person I encounter who suffers from the exact same type of insomnia, only worse. And he's been doing this lifestyle for years now... It's quite a rare lifestyle, too. Most fit people don't party. A lot of ravers don't work out or have demanding jobs.

Anyway, time to get smart. Because the consequences for libido are huge, too. Same for my friend, he even went to see a therapist.

I've declared February a Month of Convalescence. Taking it easy, no stressing out at work or in traffic, no partying, no smoking, and god forgive me --  no sports. Working out (and to a lesser degree, taking drugs) has defined my very identity in recent years. It fills me with pride. This is one the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I've cried. A lot.

But it's been a week now. And slowly, my sleep is recovering, I think. And I've felt libido I haven't felt in ages, even if it's still close to zero.

Yeah. Would be smart to keep posting here, I guess. Rest assured, I'll get back stronger and fitter than before. And hornier. But for now patience is all that can get me there.

Peace.
Prying open my third eye.

anhaedra

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Re: I'll keep digging till I feel something - Reboot Journal
« Reply #218 on: June 04, 2019, 04:17:23 AM »
It's been a while. Reason I'm posting is I now realize I've been in a deep, deep flatline ever since I started rebooting, and it feels like right now I'm getting some of my libido back.

I used to have the occasional, singular relapse, which never brought me anything but regret, so for the past half year, full year maybe... I have watched absolutely zero porn, and it's starting to pay off, I guess. Before, when I relapsed, I felt this adrenaline burst as soon as I sat down behind my computer. If you get this, too, it means you're still NOT rebooted and you should NOT watch porn.

Anyway, part of it is mental, I guess. Last weekend some hot chick was totally seducing me at a rave, been ages since that happened. I was too wasted to act on it, but it really rekindled something in me -- an actual sex drive. And I guess the confidence, the affirmation that women still like me. I have stopped dating for over a year now, with absolutely zero interest in women ever since.

I hope now this will change for the better. I have started masturbating several times a week, while the past year it was more like once every few months, and with a lot of effort. I was that flatlined, yes. It pleases me that I now get horny without any visual material, just me and my fantasies of actual women.

So yeah... here's to a romantic summer for me. I had started to think this whole reboot thing was a fad... that it did me more harm than good. When watching porn, at least I had a sex drive and was meeting women. But considering how long I've been a porn addict, it makes a lot of sense I had to go through a long, deep two-year flatline or something in that range.
Prying open my third eye.