Author Topic: ways to make her feel like my one and only?  (Read 1619 times)

JediMaster

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ways to make her feel like my one and only?
« on: March 03, 2017, 09:33:51 AM »
My partner has told been telling me recently that although the talking between us has been much better mostly with addressing these addiction issues, my actions have not been following my words. That's something I have to work on. Doing the dishes when I say i'm going to do them, taking out the trash when there's two bags at the front door instead of waiting till there's five, reading the books I've said I'll read(I don't think I've ever finished a book, or at least not for years). I've been feeling something that is getting me down and putting me in a rut with my emotions but I don't know what it is. It may be that I'm only taking one class this semester because with work I couldn't slot anymore and it feels like it's going slow and that has made me feel stuck in life before like i'll never get to my career. It could be other things I just don't know. I started with a new therapist who specializes in sex addiction and anxiety so I'm hoping that will help a lot.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone could give me advice or any ideas to make my partner feel like I'm really trying and that I do care. She has given me ideas but I want to also do something that she hasn't told me to do so it's not like i'm just doing what she's asked, I need to do more than what she asks for on a regular basis anyhow so I think it'd be good to start with things that she hasn't asked for as well as what she has. I won't take credit for the ideas but they can be a nice surprise for her. Maybe some romantic date ideas? Something nice/relaxing/romantic in the house? Anything I can do to show effort and how much I care. Even more personal things that I can change to her interests specifically.

I would really appreciate any help, even ways I can get my mind out of this "couch potato" state. I've had motivation issues since I can remember and I'm afraid they're coming back. Any advice on that would be greatly appreciated too. I love her, I love her more than anything and I want nothing but happiness for her and I want her to know that I do but I still feel like I have a lot to get through to change my mindset from what it used to be.

malando

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Re: ways to make her feel like my one and only?
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2017, 09:52:52 AM »
I get that you need a change in mindset, but when your wife is asking you to find ways to help her feel uniquely special, don't you think that's some sort of statement about her wanting this to be your doing, your ideas? I don't think choosing from a range of suggestions from other people quite rises to that level. I think what she's trying to get across to you is that she wants you to draw on your own knowledge of her and think of some things yourself to rekindle your magic and show that you do understand her. So I would say, as hard as it might be, don't get these ideas from other people, extend yourself, rack your brain until you think of something. It will mean more to her and more to you if it comes from you. Imagine if she asked you, "did you think of this?" and you had to tell her, "no, somebody suggested it on RN" - that would ruin the whole feeling for her.

That's just my take on it - others may not agree with me. Good luck with it.

JediMaster

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Re: ways to make her feel like my one and only?
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2017, 10:12:04 AM »
No, I agree with you. I'm just hoping to maybe get some inspiration from what others have done/experienced and tailor it specifically for her. I haven't had all that much luck trying to think of things myself which I think is just a problem with my mindset right now, I'm usually more practical and inventive than this. I just find myself coming up short lately.

AppleJack

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Re: ways to make her feel like my one and only?
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2017, 03:41:17 PM »
It doesn't need to be perfect, the thought and effort will mean the most. Think of one thing she likes and then how you can create something special out of it.
As for the other stuff set specific goals, i.e read 3 chapters per week, initiate two conversations about recovery per week. Make it manageable to reduce overwhelm

Gracie

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Re: ways to make her feel like my one and only?
« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2017, 04:31:11 PM »
Something that helped both my husband and I was a Spotify playlist.  The name of it is surprise I am sure, is Love.  We then send each other a title and who sings it.  The person listens and we add it.  Listening to the words says a lot.  It communicates in a great way.  I think we are up to 129 songs.  My favorites have been Reason by Hoobastank.  You by Candlebox  Marry You by Bruno Mars  Thinkin outloud by Ed Sheeren  Here's to Us by Halestorm  Come to Me by  Goo Goo Dolls and Lovesong by The Cure.

That was a big help to us.  We have everything from blues to Metal in our list.  We also text first thing in the morning.  He always sends the first text.  Dance with her.  You can do this at home or out.  Date her like you did in the beginning.  Look at her always when you are out.  Get lost in her eyes.  Flirt!  Hold hands everywhere you go. 

Romance her.

NewBeginning

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Re: ways to make her feel like my one and only?
« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2017, 09:49:22 PM »
I think it's great that you guys are communicating about your addiction issues. That's a big deal. Right on! But sometimes dealing with and always thinking about our addiction issues can be exhausting. So maybe try not to over think things too much. Obviously do the things that need to be done like washing the dishes or throwing trash or cleaning the bathroom. Maybe you can listen to audiobooks while you're doing chores.

Maybe think back to when you first met or first started dating. My guess is that you did things that made her feel special. Even if it was a funny text or note or a small gift that you left somewhere for her to find. It doesn't need to be expensive or extravagant. When my wife and I first started dating, she bought me a nice new insulated lunch box for work and left it on the hood of my car in my driveway so I would find it in the morning. There was a can of cat food inside and a note saying it was a gift from her cat, complete with a cat paw signature. Haha! Stupid I know, but it was a small thing that let me know she was thinking about me and it still makes me laugh.

Listen to her. She probably says like 10 things a day that she's interested in or that she likes. Or she talks about a friend or something she's having trouble with or something exciting that happened to her. Actually engage in conversation with her like whatever she's saying is really important. Don't be fake about it. It might take some practice if you're like me, always inside my own head. Most of us guys just grunt and point.

Also, be affectionate without expecting anything in return. Non sexual affection. Walk by and kiss her on the cheek without saying anything while she's cooking dinner or whatever.

stillme

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Re: ways to make her feel like my one and only?
« Reply #6 on: March 05, 2017, 03:22:01 PM »
Only you and your wife will know what will make her feel like she is your one and only. My husband tried do a lot of "canned" things that really did more damage than good at one point.
What she seems to be asking is that you show her that you know 'her' specifically. It isn't about what most women want, it is about what she specifically would want. Watch her, listen to her, remember the things that made her happy in the past.
Also, only do those things that you will be able to sustain overtime.
And remember, it may not only be things, but words, spending time with her, random acts of kindness, etc.

One thing my husband needed to show me was that he wasn't choosing me over porn simply based on obligation or that choosing porn would make him look absolutely ridiculous and get him laughed out of town.

Be honest about where you are in that you are going to be re-learning how to be an adult in an adult and real world based relationship, so if she could give you feedback when you do well and feedback when you could have done things better/differently, that would be good as well.

aquarius25

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Re: ways to make her feel like my one and only?
« Reply #7 on: March 09, 2017, 03:17:12 PM »
As much as I do agree its good to come up with your own ideas I understand hitting a rut and needing some help getting out of it. Sometimes its hard to come up with fun new datenight ideas and things to just spark some fun in a relationship, especially if you have been together for a while and you add all the serious porn addiction stuff. I know for my hubby and I we get to a place where that occupies the conversation and kinda ruins the moment, lol. We are trying to just have fun when we go out. So here are a few things that we have done and some things that just sound fun and we are wanting to do, lol, just to help get the imagination going.

1.take a dancing class together or learn something new together that you both have wanted to do
2.join a book club or group together
3. go an a scavenger hunt together (this can also be done against another couple and you meet up at a dessert place at the the end, its super fun)
4. start trying out new places by opening the phone book to the restaurant section and closing your eyes and picking (you end up at some terrible places but it can be a blast!)
5. Go on a short road trip using a coin flip to tell you where to go
6. randomly pick one word your not allowed to use on your date and anytime either of you use it there is an agreed consequence, can be really funny!
7. each of you put into a fishbowl some things you have always wanted to do or try or anything and when you need an idea you draw from the bowl. You will find out what things she has wanted and vice versa. You can use this for spicing up the bedroom too.
8. Try something you haven't done since you were a kid, laser tag, roller skating, a laser light show, bowling, swimming, whatever!
9. Board games!!! There are so many amazing games out now! Get some, you can play the two of you or have friends over for a game night, super fun.

All of these ideas are not expensive  and can just get you out of your rut. If you want any further explanation I am happy to help. I think going out of your way to put a fun night together, or make her something instead of store bought tells her you were thinking of her and you care. That is the first step!

Good luck!