Author Topic: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel  (Read 15651 times)

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #300 on: March 15, 2020, 03:45:55 PM »
Hey zander,

i also think its a good thing, that you wont see this girl as regularly as the last days. It will give you some time to reflect on the situation.
After the experiences you had the last days or weeks, i think you have to make a clear decision on sex. Because for what i read it gives you a tougher time with withdrawals and that's just playing with fire. Its only a matter of time i think that it will lead you to porn again and when this is the case, you should really consider making a break of sex for a longer while, so your brain can recuperate. When sex is bringing you back to porn and makes you feel miserable, its as bad as porn for now.

I completely agree man. It's just as compulsive. I really appreciate the feedback man, it's good to read someone else saying it.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #301 on: March 16, 2020, 08:52:15 AM »
I got depressed-depressed yesterday. I've been tinkering with my meds as of late and I was forced, through the depression, to accept the fact that I need to be on a mood stabilizer. Mood stabilizers make my connection with real life fuzzy and diminished, which is why I want to be on a lower dose than my prescription, but for some reason my brain isn't okay without the Lamictal. Another sad fact about mood stabilizers, or at least Lamictal, is that it's much more difficult to write while on it. And because I'm less in tune with my emotions, I can't access the parts of me that get me into the flow state. Fucking sucks, right? I've had to completely rethink my future because of this recent, dynamic shift. I so badly wanted to study English and become some kind of literature teacher or professor, and now I'm beginning to think that I can no longer do that. It's a hard pill to swallow. My creativity will never be the same, unless I come across some miracle that I'm, as of now, unaware of. Maybe, in the next few years another bi-polar drug will come out that doesn't stifle emotion, but who knows.


In regards to my addiction journey, I've had a pretty decent string of days without heavy withdrawals, including this morning. I'm very grateful for that. My brain isn't completely healed by any means, and I know that another withdrawals cycle will begin soon, but this short vacation from the pain is welcomed. It allows me to regain my composure, and to take stock of my current state of being. It allows me to look toward the horizon. It also has shown me that without the withdrawals, my mental illness is very much an entity in my life. When the withdrawals fade, I'm left with my factory settings, which include bipolarity. But I digress. The addiction is not over yet, and I need to stack some wood and barricade the windows, because a storm is coming. I've been meditating daily, and I'll be, from now on, taking my meds as prescribed, so all I can do is take the pain as it comes, and try not to react to it as strongly as I have been. I'm guessing that the pain won't be as severe as the last cycle, but with this addiction you can't really count on anything. It's just as random as it is predictable. Therapist type folks always say that recovery isn't linear, and I believe them.


Wish me luck brethren. I wish it for you guys too.
« Last Edit: March 16, 2020, 08:54:16 AM by zander13 »

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #302 on: March 16, 2020, 09:50:39 AM »
I have more to say. Since I'm still withdrawing from porn, maybe I'll be able to go on a lower dose once all the symptoms of this addiction clear up.

Since posting this morning I feel super depressed. Considering my kibbles and bits are vascillating between shrunken and half-shrunked, I'm assuming that the withdrawals have returned. At least I hope to God that's what it is. I fucking hate the fact that I have both a mental illness and a PMO addiction. The symptoms are ridiculously tangled up and intertwined, like the hornet's nest of a line on an old fishing rod. I'm nearing 5 months of no PMO, and I hate to think about how much longer I have to go with this stuff. When is my life going to get better? Easier? I can't help but complain about everything because I'm tired of feeling shitty. I just want a good month of happy days. 30 fucking days of relative bliss. That's not too much to ask.


A part of me does honestly believe that the withdrawals have gotten worse because I'm getting at the roots of this addiction, and we all know that it's more difficult to pull a plant out by its roots than it's stem. And the soil around it get's all broken and crumbled, much like how the skin around a wound gets swollen and tender. Maybe I should start keeping a journal, because I have a lot of emotions to let out.

Anyways, I'm ready for the next chapter of my life.
« Last Edit: March 16, 2020, 12:42:10 PM by zander13 »

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #303 on: March 17, 2020, 05:01:08 PM »
Had sex last night. Fucking pissed at myself. Withdrawals have also returned, so I'm in for a ride. just trying to make it through the day.  I need to re-evaluate where I'm at with everything without the sex hindering my view.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #304 on: March 18, 2020, 05:30:19 PM »
Was in some pretty serious pain today due to withdrawals. Let's hope the future is brighter. I need to stop having sex man, it is wrecking shit.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #305 on: March 20, 2020, 12:28:47 PM »
Having an okay day. Still feeling angry, insecure, anxious, and other negative emotions, but they aren't as severe as they were the past couple of days. I've been sleeping poorly as of late, and I know that it's because of the PAWs. I've been getting boners at night whilst having fragmented, odd dreams, followed by brief wakeups about every hour. I just don't really know where I'm at anymore, but I think that despite the morning woods and night time woods, I still have a while to go. There's a reason its called PAWs, post being the keyword.

Need to keep going and try not to react too strongly to my negative emotions and depressions. Much easier said than done, considering I cannot survive without human interaction. I just hate the fact that it makes me feel so insecure in social situations because I like to represent myself as a leader, and an alpha male, because those two traits are who I am. I have a strong presence when I'm feeling well, and the contrast between the two states of being is fucking terrible. I don't want to fight below my weight.

When push comes to shove, the withdrawals of this addiction aren't fair. The punishment is nowhere near the crime, and I don't care what anyone else has to say about selfishness or sin or whatever. I was a young kid who didn't know how to express emotions because my Dad is a hardo frat guy/lawyer. I don't blame myself at tall to be honest. Yet I still have to contend with soul crippling withdrawals at the age of 28. Makes me doubt the existence of a higher power to be real with you all and myself. I just don't see the fairness in this world, and not jut because of my situation. People get hit by stray bullets all the time. Kids in Syria, no older than six, get seron gassed. It's all a bunch of human-made, random horseshit.

I'm being negative today and I acknowledge that, but what am I to do? Ignore whole days of my life because this addiction tears them away from my internal goodness? That's a lot of time, considering how many days I've been enduring withdrawals over the past 5 years.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #306 on: March 20, 2020, 03:43:13 PM »
My girl left today, I won't see her for a month. I'm going to miss her, but it'll be good long term as far as my recovery is concerned. Before she left we made out and she gave me a half of a BJ (I didn't finish), which, of course, left my brain fuzzy and all that jazz. I'm going to miss her presence and her personality, but I'm happy that I won't be tempted to do anything stupid for a while.

I feel a little lost in life, and I'm sure this virus has a little bit to do with that. Hopefully, one day, all this shit will work out, and I'll be able to cherish each day of my life in a way that I just flat out can't right now.

Jeks

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #307 on: March 20, 2020, 03:55:59 PM »
Hey zander,

the best thing you can do now is to focus on taking care of your porn addiction. A lot of things will fall in place, when you do this. As long as you dont do it, your life wont change. Maybe that sounds like bad news, but when you think about it, its really good news, because you can change your life and you know what you have to do to get there. That shit will work out.
I hope this can help you a bit. Take care man.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #308 on: March 21, 2020, 08:26:15 PM »
Today actually ended up sucking dick--the withdrawals were terrible. I felt like I got bit by a copperhead, but instead of the bite being on a part of my body, it was in my emotions. My emotions were filled with venom by the withdrawal copperhead, basically. There's nothing I can do but laugh at this point, because this is all just pure insanity. The whole kit and caboodle. When I was a little boy, I thought 28 year old's were fucking mountain men who slung axes over their shoulders and stomped on serfs for a living. If only that little kid could see me now--a confused, scared man-child with soul-crushing Porn PAWs. Jesus fucking Christ.


Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

faenoe

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #309 on: March 21, 2020, 11:37:14 PM »
Hey man, just read your last few entries. Thanks for sharing your struggle. I am right with you when when you said you had a different view of adults as a kid. I had the same feelings: "When I'm older, I'll stop having problems with porn and addiction." But here I am too, still with problems. But I'm here with you man. Your future is to leave porn behind in the dust and all of the withdrawal symptoms that come with it.

I also have to agree with you that porn is a cruel experiment upon ignorant minds. It's impossible for a kid to understand how all-consuming addiction is, and it really isn't fair that we grew up with such easy access to it. But here we are, in this community, trying to recover. That is pretty incredible if you think about it. We have support here. We can be totally open with each other and talk about how much this thing sucks and be met by a sea of empathy. Sure everyone's recovery is different in some ways, but we are all here for you. Keep out of the black pit bro.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #310 on: March 22, 2020, 08:45:07 AM »
Hey man, just read your last few entries. Thanks for sharing your struggle. I am right with you when when you said you had a different view of adults as a kid. I had the same feelings: "When I'm older, I'll stop having problems with porn and addiction." But here I am too, still with problems. But I'm here with you man. Your future is to leave porn behind in the dust and all of the withdrawal symptoms that come with it.

I also have to agree with you that porn is a cruel experiment upon ignorant minds. It's impossible for a kid to understand how all-consuming addiction is, and it really isn't fair that we grew up with such easy access to it. But here we are, in this community, trying to recover. That is pretty incredible if you think about it. We have support here. We can be totally open with each other and talk about how much this thing sucks and be met by a sea of empathy. Sure everyone's recovery is different in some ways, but we are all here for you. Keep out of the black pit bro.

Well said man. Thanks for your support, means a lot.

Expecting a similar day to yesterday. I'm really in the thick of it right now--the next 1-2 weeks are going to be brutal. Just trying to hang in there and hope that the next cycle of withdrawals aren't as difficult as this cycle has been so far.

wecandoit

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #311 on: March 22, 2020, 09:09:26 AM »
Hey man, just read your last few entries. Thanks for sharing your struggle. I am right with you when when you said you had a different view of adults as a kid. I had the same feelings: "When I'm older, I'll stop having problems with porn and addiction." But here I am too, still with problems. But I'm here with you man. Your future is to leave porn behind in the dust and all of the withdrawal symptoms that come with it.

I also have to agree with you that porn is a cruel experiment upon ignorant minds. It's impossible for a kid to understand how all-consuming addiction is, and it really isn't fair that we grew up with such easy access to it. But here we are, in this community, trying to recover. That is pretty incredible if you think about it. We have support here. We can be totally open with each other and talk about how much this thing sucks and be met by a sea of empathy. Sure everyone's recovery is different in some ways, but we are all here for you. Keep out of the black pit bro.

Of course. When I found out that I had an addiction to porn, I didn't like it at all. I used to hear about drug and alcohol addiction and I said "I will never get addicted to anything and then have to suffer." So imagine when I discovered I had an addiction. But I thought it was an easy addiction. I said "This is not heroin. I will start tomorrow and I will be done with it." Fast forward some time later and many relapses and I couldn't believe how difficult it was. The thing was that I didn't want to accept that I had to suffer the withdrawal. I said "Fuck, no! I am a victim! When I started watching porn, nobody told me it was an addiction so why should I suffer now?" I rebelled against this and it cost me a lot until I reached a point when I had to look at the facts: I can't go back in time and stop myself from becoming a porn addict. I can only move forward and quit porn. And to do this, it is inevitable that I will be going through the suffering of withdrawal. Those are the facts and I had to accept this because not accepting it makes things impossible. "Okay, fine, I will suffer, I will go through withdrawal so let's do it and escape this. How should I approach this then?" Then my streaks started getting longer than 4 days. I'm close to a month this time.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #312 on: March 23, 2020, 11:47:43 AM »
5 Months

I'm not that into counting days, because it doesn't mean anything to me. All I want is to be recovered, I odn't really give a shit about what day I'm on. But I'm also a hypocrite, so there's that. I do care that I'm at the 5 month mark, because I can be proud of that fact. But I'm not going to start tallying days one at a time.

This morning was ridiculously difficult. I feel a bit better now, but I can still feel the pain lurking nearby. I'm in the middle of the forest. Monsters surround me.

I just want to make it through. The pain is a requirement, so there's no use fighting against it so damn hard. I need to feel the pain in order to make it to a place where I've never been before.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #313 on: March 24, 2020, 08:34:37 AM »
I woke up today feeling unwell, and I think that will continue to be the theme for the remainder of the day. Just need to keep pushing, but boy does it hurt right now. My mind is on fire.

I'm still scared about what Lamictal does to me cognitively. But I have to force myself to push those worries to the back of my mind and focus on beating my addiction. There's not much else I can do at the moment, since the addiction clouds my baseline anyways.


zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #314 on: March 25, 2020, 07:31:14 AM »
yesterday was a pretty darn good day. The morning was tough as hell, but after the mid afternoon I had a solid 3-4 hours of good feelings. It was a nice break from the pain of this current withdrawal cycle. We'll see how today goes--I'm ready for the worst.

Jeks

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #315 on: March 25, 2020, 12:09:06 PM »
Good news zander

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #316 on: March 25, 2020, 06:31:29 PM »
Good news zander

yeah it was nice.

Unfortunately, today has been a little tougher, especially towards the early evening/night. Just gotta keep trucking forward, and hope that I'll be able to remedy the cognitive impairment caused by Lamictal. I really hate the fact that I can barely pull a sentence together. Fuckin sucks.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #317 on: March 26, 2020, 01:36:35 PM »
Today has been brutal. Super insecure and down in the dumps. I feel like I'm making a fool out of myself during every social interaction. To put it bluntly, I'm not myself. In any way. My personality has totally shifted, and the light that shines behind me eyes is temporarily extinguished. I'm just trying to survive right now, and brainstorm what I can to make this withdrawal process easier.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #318 on: March 27, 2020, 11:59:28 AM »
Last night was actually great. After 730 all the pain turned off like a light switch and i felt like some version of my normal self. It was a welcomed break from all the difficulty I'd been experiencing throughout the afternoon.

Today hasn't been bad so far, the withdrawals have kind of been a background noise--like a barely noticeable white noise.

As always, we'll see how the rest of the day goes. All I know is that this cycle of withdrawals is different from the last, which means some sort of change is taking place. I welcome the hell out of change. I was starting to feel as if I were going to be stuck in the same loop of suffering for the next 2 odd years.

The last thing I'd like to say is that some of the cognitive impairment I associate with the mood stabilizer I'm on is actually being caused by the withdrawals themselves, and that though I do still feel fuzzy when it comes to pulling words from my subconscious and overall spelling, punctuation, and grammar, I'm very happy to discover that the Lamictal isn't causing all of it.

faenoe

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #319 on: March 27, 2020, 01:47:21 PM »
Keep beating that hungry wolf to death man. He's starving. Let him die. Keep it up.

Good to hear that the day turned out better and you're feeling more like yourself.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #320 on: March 27, 2020, 04:08:09 PM »
Keep beating that hungry wolf to death man. He's starving. Let him die. Keep it up.

Good to hear that the day turned out better and you're feeling more like yourself.

Damn man I liked that. Nice writing. And thanks for the support.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #321 on: March 28, 2020, 02:13:06 PM »
Trying 100mg of lamictal as opposed to 150, the world already seems clearer, but we shall see if i start getting depressed.

When it comes to the addiction, the withdrawals have been pretty rough today. Let's hope that they start to improve pretty soon, because I'm over this shit. I just want a normal cock and balls.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #322 on: March 29, 2020, 12:21:01 PM »
Withdrawals are somewhat mild today, but still not great. This current "flatline" is 14 days old, and I have a feeling that I still have a solid week or so before it ends. Nothing else to say really. I'm ready for some change in my life. I really am.

Just starting to realize that the withdrawals arent as mild as I thought, because my dick is all shrunken and my brain is being singed by a dull fire.
« Last Edit: March 29, 2020, 12:23:48 PM by zander13 »

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #323 on: March 30, 2020, 08:12:35 AM »
Another day of withdrawals. And my experiment didn't work with the 100mg of Lamictal--I started to get sad yesterday. I'm just goingto have to wait until all this PMO nonsense clears up before I try again. And if it doesn't work during that phase of my recovery, then I'll try a new drug, or ketamine, or mushrooms, or whatever it takes to be able to create in the way that I know I can.

If this withdrawals "cycle" is anything like the previous one, then I have 4 more days of pain before my hard earned reprieve. Until then, I'm going to hunker down and try not to dwell on how much all of this sucks.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #324 on: March 30, 2020, 05:35:46 PM »
Feel like fucking shit right now. Like really, really shitty. I'm in the throes of the devil's anus. Jesus, from atop the cross, is slapping me with his veiny, bulbous, dick.