Author Topic: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel  (Read 6697 times)

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #125 on: December 01, 2018, 02:12:30 PM »
Day 112

Still flatlining

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #126 on: December 03, 2018, 12:00:51 AM »
Day 113

Huge change today!


Still flatlining

changemylife

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #127 on: December 03, 2018, 10:46:14 AM »
Damn, man, 113 days? This is amazing! This is my second day only and it's been really tough, I don't even know how 100 days feel like but I want to get there.

MoJi

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #128 on: December 06, 2018, 01:50:07 PM »
WOOOOWWWWWWW,

What a FanTasTic Journey!!!!!!!!!!!

You are doing JUST great!!! Man, you make me feel strong. Keeep it up maaaaan...

Wishes....

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #129 on: December 06, 2018, 08:29:09 PM »
Damn, man, 113 days? This is amazing! This is my second day only and it's been really tough, I don't even know how 100 days feel like but I want to get there.

Best piece of advice I have: meditate.

Good luck man, and thanks for the shout out!

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #130 on: December 06, 2018, 08:30:04 PM »
WOOOOWWWWWWW,

What a FanTasTic Journey!!!!!!!!!!!

You are doing JUST great!!! Man, you make me feel strong. Keeep it up maaaaan...

Wishes....

Dude it's been long. Too long. But thanks for the shout out, and good luck on your own journey. I wish you the best, and then some.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #131 on: December 07, 2018, 11:33:57 PM »
Day 118

Best day of my reboot so far. Flatline may be over, but even if it isn't, I am so thankful for today.

God fuckin' bless.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #132 on: December 12, 2018, 03:36:22 PM »
Day 123

Another good day. Previous 4 were awful, so I'm super glad to have a good one.

I'm too battle-hardened to say that I'm out of the flatline, but it does feel good to have a positive day. They are good reminders of what this process is all about--becoming a version of myself that had been buried underneath years of PMO.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #133 on: December 13, 2018, 07:20:04 PM »
Day 124

I'm getting eviscerated by the flatline right now. Yesterday was short-lived.

I've never experienced such pain before in my life. I can't fucking stand this horse shit anymore. When am I gunna be able to live my fucking life like a normal fucking person. God fucking damn it man, this is horse shit. I don't fucking believe in anything anymore. Life is just a random assortment of molecules, and there's no fucking point to any of it. FUCK THIS SHITTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #134 on: December 15, 2018, 11:53:34 PM »
Day 126

Had another shit day today, though the day before wasn't bad at all. Fucking back and forth man. At least it's a different pattern than before. Nights aren't as bad at all, and my dreams are completely porn/relapse free. Now I just have vivid dreams that are, honestly, insane (not in a bad way). I know my antidepressants play into the chaoticness of my dreamworld.

I think it's safe to say that porn has been slowly removed from my subconscious. I like to think of it as the shit we leanred in grade school. It stuck with me for a long time, but as time went by, I slowly forgot most of it. Same thing with porn, in a weird way.

I know it will always be with me, and I'll forever be an addict (of the highest order), but I do believe in the idea that as time has gone on in my rebooting life, I've gone back in time. And by that I mean that when I do have urges, they're for earlier and earlier porn scenes. Like, as I watched Netflix today, a flashback to an old scene I used to watch all the time flooded my mind. With mindfulness, I was able to draw my attention away from the urge, but I think it's interesting. I read about this idea on YBOP, so I know I'm not crazy.

My dreams have included people from my high school days too. It's like I'm going back in time with everything. Releasing all of the emotions and memories I trapped up in there with porn. They're finally being let go.

Sometimes I think this rebooting process is unfair horse shit, and other days I see it as a way of life forcing me to endure all of the stuff I ignored through porn. Who knows. Regardless, I still want it to end. I'm not enamored with the withdrawal process. The sooner it get's done--the better.

I just can't wait to live life completely withdrawal/porn free. It'll be a totally new thing.

All I can do is keep surviving. Keep moving forward. My habits are good, I know how to avoid relapse--all I have to do is stick to the program.

One guy wrote in his journal that porn was like an arrow. It goes in super easily, but it's fucking terrible to pull it out. Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #135 on: December 16, 2018, 02:38:03 PM »
Day 127

Masturbated to stimulation and little fantasy this morning. Not porn fantasy, just thought of a girl.

I felt like I needed to try something different, so we'll see how it goes. At the moment, feels like I let off a release valve. We'll see how things go from here.

I will say that I feel some brain fog--but that's a small price to pay. No guilt or shame, and no feeling like shit (so far).

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #136 on: December 16, 2018, 04:19:20 PM »
Update:

Feeling depressive. Still don't know how it'll affect the severity of the withdrawals I was experiencing, but I definitely feel like shit right now. Hopefully something good will come out of the decision.

I need to make some life changes though. I'm teetering right now.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #137 on: January 07, 2019, 05:46:04 PM »
Update:

Day 11

Ended up relapsing around 8 times. Back on the wagon, but the damage was done. Feel as if I'm back to square one. Depression is massive right now.

changemylife

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #138 on: January 07, 2019, 05:47:37 PM »
Update:

Day 11

Ended up relapsing around 8 times. Back on the wagon, but the damage was done. Feel as if I'm back to square one. Depression is massive right now.

So you binged. So did I, yesterday. I need to sort everything out. I can't fool around anymore.

K-Dot

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #139 on: January 08, 2019, 07:25:49 AM »
Update:

Day 11

Ended up relapsing around 8 times. Back on the wagon, but the damage was done. Feel as if I'm back to square one. Depression is massive right now.

Keep writing on the forum man, I saw you're absent. Everytime I stop journaling, I see that the risk of me relapsing increases, escpecially when I'm depressed/drunk. Write here often, so we can shit on you if you feel like relapsing. Much love bro, not like all the progress is lost, just dont get into the "I'm only few days in, I can do it one more time, It's better to use this relapse to the fullest, better now, than later, when my streak is long" syndrome. I would tell you sorry formy awful english, but I know you're a grammar fascist, so I dont feel sorry at all.

Much love bro <3 I'm following your journal

changemylife

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #140 on: January 08, 2019, 07:36:23 AM »
Update:

Day 11

Ended up relapsing around 8 times. Back on the wagon, but the damage was done. Feel as if I'm back to square one. Depression is massive right now.

Keep writing on the forum man, I saw you're absent. Everytime I stop journaling, I see that the risk of me relapsing increases, escpecially when I'm depressed/drunk. Write here often, so we can shit on you if you feel like relapsing. Much love bro, not like all the progress is lost, just dont get into the "I'm only few days in, I can do it one more time, It's better to use this relapse to the fullest, better now, than later, when my streak is long" syndrome. I would tell you sorry formy awful english, but I know you're a grammar fascist, so I dont feel sorry at all.

Much love bro <3 I'm following your journal

That's right. Many of us get into that mindset: If I relapsed, might as well go all the way. And that's how bingeing happens. A better approach is to make that relapse the only one that day and analyze what went wrong, what triggered you and what you can do to avoid that next time. That's what I did. I looked at how I relapsed on January 5 and I won't do that shit again.

By the way, does anybody remember that guy from Sons of Anarchy with the masturbation syndrome? hahahaha! They chopped his fingers off because he jerked off in front of everybody but they left the index fingers so he could jerk off anyway. As I've said this, chopping my hands off won't work for me because I would use the first method that I've started masturbation with, anyway. You have to cut off my dick but how can I accept something like this? No need for extremes, just a need to man up and sort my fucking life.

K-Dot

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #141 on: January 08, 2019, 08:05:02 AM »
Update:

Day 11

Ended up relapsing around 8 times. Back on the wagon, but the damage was done. Feel as if I'm back to square one. Depression is massive right now.

Keep writing on the forum man, I saw you're absent. Everytime I stop journaling, I see that the risk of me relapsing increases, escpecially when I'm depressed/drunk. Write here often, so we can shit on you if you feel like relapsing. Much love bro, not like all the progress is lost, just dont get into the "I'm only few days in, I can do it one more time, It's better to use this relapse to the fullest, better now, than later, when my streak is long" syndrome. I would tell you sorry formy awful english, but I know you're a grammar fascist, so I dont feel sorry at all.

Much love bro <3 I'm following your journal

That's right. Many of us get into that mindset: If I relapsed, might as well go all the way. And that's how bingeing happens. A better approach is to make that relapse the only one that day and analyze what went wrong, what triggered you and what you can do to avoid that next time. That's what I did. I looked at how I relapsed on January 5 and I won't do that shit again.

By the way, does anybody remember that guy from Sons of Anarchy with the masturbation syndrome? hahahaha! They chopped his fingers off because he jerked off in front of everybody but they left the index fingers so he could jerk off anyway. As I've said this, chopping my hands off won't work for me because I would use the first method that I've started masturbation with, anyway. You have to cut off my dick but how can I accept something like this? No need for extremes, just a need to man up and sort my fucking life.

If you ever decide to cut your dick off over this shit, I'll recommend you to wait for a flatline to occur (to decrease sensitivity). Then buy a bottle of absinth, get wasted and cut that limp shit off, put it into the mail and send it to the last bitch you've had ED with. Van Gogh did something similar and became famous. Just kidding, keep it up bros

changemylife

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #142 on: January 08, 2019, 08:26:06 AM »
If you ever decide to cut your dick off over this shit, I'll recommend you to wait for a flatline to occur (to decrease sensitivity). Then buy a bottle of absinth, get wasted and cut that limp shit off, put it into the mail and send it to the last bitch you've had ED with. Van Gogh did something similar and became famous. Just kidding, keep it up bros

Flatline is like chemically cutting off your dick anyway.

Van Gogh didn't cut off his dick :)))) And he is not the only one in history who cut his ear but maybe he was the first one? Chopper cut both of his ears but not himself, he put other guy to do it. Anyway, both were fucking sick guys (o.O) I don't wanna do none of that shit.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #143 on: January 10, 2019, 12:19:25 PM »
Update:

Day 11

Ended up relapsing around 8 times. Back on the wagon, but the damage was done. Feel as if I'm back to square one. Depression is massive right now.

Keep writing on the forum man, I saw you're absent. Everytime I stop journaling, I see that the risk of me relapsing increases, escpecially when I'm depressed/drunk. Write here often, so we can shit on you if you feel like relapsing. Much love bro, not like all the progress is lost, just dont get into the "I'm only few days in, I can do it one more time, It's better to use this relapse to the fullest, better now, than later, when my streak is long" syndrome. I would tell you sorry formy awful english, but I know you're a grammar fascist, so I dont feel sorry at all.

Much love bro <3 I'm following your journal

I can't tell you how much this helped me my friend. Really. Thank you so much. And I agree with what you say, you're right.

God bless man.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #144 on: January 10, 2019, 12:24:55 PM »
I want to get this on paper:

My goal is to make it 365 days.

I'm treating it like a science experiment, because I honestly don't know what it's like to go a whole year porn free.

I've eliminated all internet from my apartment and I have a flip phone, plus I'm meditating twice a day and working out harder than ever. I'm also avoiding random internet surfing and watching racy TV or movies.

I've decided I'm going to become a therapist, and I plan on going to school for that. I got into Hunter College in New York City, and I hope they will extend their invitation into the Fall, because I simply can't go right now.

K-Dot is right, journaling publicly is healthy. I vow to continue to do so, because I don't really have anywhere else to turn when it comes to talking about this addiction of mine.


Basically, fellas, I'm throwing everything I have at this addiction this time, because I now fully realize just how much damage it has caused me. It's a serious problem that requires serious effort to eliminate. It will wreck my life if I continue to binge relapse.

The reason I relapsed last time was due to impatience and masturbation. For now on, I promise to never touch my dick sexually again in my life. Only girls can do it.

I'm taking this shit very seriously, and I plan on posting a lot more in the days to come.

God bless guys.

Edit: I read on Recovery Nation that a habit of absolute honesty is essential to combating addiction. So that is another thing I'm working on--being completely honest to myself and others. I need to not be afraid to show my true self to the world.
« Last Edit: January 10, 2019, 12:26:35 PM by zander13 »

changemylife

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #145 on: January 10, 2019, 12:26:52 PM »
Man, let me join you. I'm desperate. I can't do anything alone. I keep relapsing after 3 days.

K-Dot

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #146 on: January 11, 2019, 06:51:01 AM »
I want to get this on paper:

My goal is to make it 365 days.

I'm treating it like a science experiment, because I honestly don't know what it's like to go a whole year porn free.

I've eliminated all internet from my apartment and I have a flip phone, plus I'm meditating twice a day and working out harder than ever. I'm also avoiding random internet surfing and watching racy TV or movies.

I've decided I'm going to become a therapist, and I plan on going to school for that. I got into Hunter College in New York City, and I hope they will extend their invitation into the Fall, because I simply can't go right now.

K-Dot is right, journaling publicly is healthy. I vow to continue to do so, because I don't really have anywhere else to turn when it comes to talking about this addiction of mine.


Basically, fellas, I'm throwing everything I have at this addiction this time, because I now fully realize just how much damage it has caused me. It's a serious problem that requires serious effort to eliminate. It will wreck my life if I continue to binge relapse.

The reason I relapsed last time was due to impatience and masturbation. For now on, I promise to never touch my dick sexually again in my life. Only girls can do it.

I'm taking this shit very seriously, and I plan on posting a lot more in the days to come.

God bless guys.

Edit: I read on Recovery Nation that a habit of absolute honesty is essential to combating addiction. So that is another thing I'm working on--being completely honest to myself and others. I need to not be afraid to show my true self to the world.

Glad to see you're inspired man. It' s easier when you share your story with other people who can relate. I'll continue to follow your journal, you can count on me

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #147 on: January 15, 2019, 12:46:06 PM »
Day 19

Masturbated this morning. It was because I started to feel some withdrawals, and just didn't want to go through them. But I know that if I'm going to beat this thing then I have to battle through the withdrawals. There is no other way out of it.

My plan is simple:

My goal is still 365 days. And I don't count masturbating to past sex encounters a relapse, so I'm still on day 19. Anyways, what I'm going to do, or continue to do, is meditate for at least 20 minutes a day. Luckily, that's already a habit of mine, and it won't be hard at all to keep it going

I will also continue taking my antidepressant every day.

I will stick to Recovery Nation as my tool for recovery, building values to help me maintain stability.

I will workout as often as I can, without turning it into a chore.

I will play video games when the withdrawals get really bad, and not feel guilty about it. This next year is all about quitting porn. I don't care if I spend 200 hours playing video games, as long as I can live the rest of my life porn free.

I will write short stories when I'm feeling good, but not get upset on the days that I can't.

I will no longer masturbate unless I feel a heavy, heavy relapse coming, which hopefully won't happen since I've been meditating daily.

And that's it. I gotta keep it simple. Ther more complicated it gets, the more chances of me getting disappointed in myself.

I envision a version of me 365 days from now, and it makes me happy. He'll be more attuned with life, he'll be attracted to real women, and he'll be so proud of what he has overcome.

This addiction has taken so much from me, and I have now adopted the mentality that porn is no longer an option. period. It'll literally wreck my brain and my life. Relapse is not an option.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #148 on: January 16, 2019, 05:01:45 PM »
Day 20

Withdrawals hittin' hard today. I need to remind myself that life is not normally like this, and that it is temporary. A small price to pay for the freedom that I will feel a year (technically 345 days) from now, after I've accomplished my goal.

I also need to remember that my main goal is the 365 day mark, and that I shouldn't allow life to throw me of course. Meditation is key when it comes to handling my thoughts, especially when they go dark like today (due to withdrawals).


K-Dot

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #149 on: January 16, 2019, 06:37:23 PM »
Day 20

Withdrawals hittin' hard today. I need to remind myself that life is not normally like this, and that it is temporary. A small price to pay for the freedom that I will feel a year (technically 345 days) from now, after I've accomplished my goal.

I also need to remember that my main goal is the 365 day mark, and that I shouldn't allow life to throw me of course. Meditation is key when it comes to handling my thoughts, especially when they go dark like today (due to withdrawals).

Are you dating? You should also start to do some rewiring and it will make you resist porn easier later in the proccess (I fell that way now)