Author Topic: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel  (Read 23379 times)

zander13

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Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« on: February 11, 2017, 08:40:21 PM »

I've had a lot of sex with girls, but I've never done it without the addiction latched onto my psyche. The first experience I had I couldn't get a boner for a bj. I was 16 years old. 16. After that I managed to lose my virginity at age 17 and have had 3 serious girlfriends and several other one nighters. But recently, say the past year, I've had next to nothing.

I've spent the last five or so years of my life with the knowledge that I had an addiction, but continuing to relapse. Not until I fully informed myself and actually read the science and watched the videos did I really start grasping what was going on, and how awful this addiction is. I hit a rock bottom of sorts, with thoughts of suicide coming popping up in my head. I never planned how I was going to do it or even fully acknowledged the idea, but the fact that the word even crept up into my subconscious was enough for me to take drastic measures. I moved into an apartment with no internet connection, got a flip phone, and started going to SA meetings. I did that for 3 months, in a brand new city, before the withdrawals really started to hit. I was more depressed than I had been in my entire life. I quit the school I was attending and moved back in with my parents. I was so scared and so anxious and depressed that I had no other place to turn. Withdrawals are no joke.

So let me reiterate. I'm 25 and living with my parents. But I've also the best I've ever been. I still have bouts of anxiety and depression and my flatline is still going strong, but I'm 167 days into this thing, and I like to believe that I can see a faint glimmer of light at the end of this tunnel. Regardless, I wanted to post on this forum and spread the word. I wanted to chronicle my journey so everyone else can benefit. Because that's how I've been able to build this streak. By learning through the example of others, especially GABE DEEM. He is my hero.

It's 8:38 at night right now, and this day is almost over. But that means tomorrow is 168. And that fact alone makes me happier than anything else. It's my life's greatest accomplishment up until this point.
« Last Edit: December 18, 2019, 05:00:35 PM by zander13 »

D22clarka

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2017, 03:04:25 AM »
Wow, 168 days! That's wonderful! I'm on day 1. I'm sorry to hear about the anxiety and depression. I know first hand the effects of both of those things. But man it sounds like you are making great strides on the road to your recovery. That's something to feel proud of! Thanks for sharing your story/progress with us! Keep us posted on how you are doing! Because it truly is an awesome thing you are doing right now. :)

Stowe2010

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2017, 10:57:56 PM »
Zander, keep up the great work! I can speak for all of us when I say that you certainly give us motivation and hope that recovery is possible. The worst thing we can do about our problems is nothing and you have proven that with the success you have had so far. Keep going strong my friend.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2017, 11:33:56 AM »
Day 169

@ Stowe and @D22clarka Thanks boys. Means a lot, it really does. Nice to have such a comforting community on this forum. I want to give back as much as I can. Good luck to the both of you.

I woke up feeling more like I did as a child than I ever have before. I reached a new high today. I know that an upcoming low is right around the corner, but these occasional highs make it much easier to traverse through the lows. I totally agree with the notion that although recovery is far from linear, the trend is an upward one. There's much to look forward to, I feel as if I'm only halfway there and I already feel magnificent. To think that only 6 months ago I had the word suicide in my brain. Now my thoughts have naturally gravitated towards hope for the future, and ideas of my new life and how I'm going to go about doing it. Hell, I'm already in the process.

It's funny how in this life, you can't really force yourself to do things. I mean you can, you always can, but I've found that if you let yourself heal, healthy impulses to act beneficially for yourself come naturally. You naturally want to do productive, positive things. It's almost as if men are wired to go out into the world and succeed, so we can secure a healthy, virile mate who will help us expand our lineage. And when we're addicted up to our eyeballs, that natural inclination is removed and we feel depressed and lifeless. funny how that works right?

Anyways, I just want to say good luck to everyone on this forum and all of the other websites dedicated to stripping porn from our lives. I know how shitty it is to be a porn addict. It's the most taboo thing I can think of. If a guy is a drug addict and he heals, he's a fucking hero. No one doubts the obstacles he had to overcome. But when you tell people that you're addicted to watching girls have inexplicable things done to them, or worse, there's not much room for sympathy is there. It's a tough, tough reality to face. Because it's a lonely fuckin habit and a lonely fuckin' addiction. We mostly have to face the demons on our own, or at least that's how I thought of it. But that's not true, because places like this forum exist. With real people who's lives are so ridiculously comparable to our own. We've all read the same story a hundred times. But thant doesn't take away the individual pain each person suffers. I know all about that pain. And I want to help out as many people as I can at this point in my life, because I wouldn't wish this disease on my worst enemy. It's dreadful, but also beatable. At least so far, I still haven't made it out of the gauntlet.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2017, 08:56:25 AM »
Day 170:

2 weeks until 6 months. Feeling great this morning. I wake up early naturally. I feel happy, naturally. Everything is more natural. Bad day is around the corner but I'm loving these good days, I thank God for them.

Woo!

And had a normal sex dream last night. I was the person engaging in the act, not watching someone else. Good signs all around.

Happy Valentines day, hahaha

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2017, 02:00:00 PM »
Day 173

Not much to report. I've still been very up and down. The past 3 days I've been in a pretty depressed state, and that was because my body was craving porn. Craving=depression, because all the brain wants is its fix. It'll make you feel as uncomfortable as it can so you feed it what it wants. And it's a fucking strong impulse. It's goal is to catch you in an unaware state of mind. Mindless technology binging is usually how I get there. Watching youtube or reading articles I didn't intend to, one after the other. Videogames are another one. It's all kind of related anyways. It's all massive amounts of pleasure through artificial means. Rewards without effort. Clicking and button smashing. Technology is a major tool for our society, but it also is a major threat. Somedays I'd prefer a world without the internet.

Had a dream last night where I watched porn. Kind of freaked me out, but once I came to I realized it was only a dream, and that I was still okay.

Little over a week until I reach a half year mark, 7 days if I'm counting 180 days as 6 months. I still have a while to go, but the improvements are coming. Slow and steady. I'm thinking 9 months will be the length of my flatline.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #6 on: February 27, 2017, 11:51:53 AM »
Day 183

Slow and steady. Not as many changes have occurred over the past week or so, other than the fact that I made it 6 months.

I still have more bad days than good ones, but the bad ones aren't nearly as bad and the good ones are pretty darn excellent. Today, unfortunately, is a bad day, and I can tell by the brain fog and ever constant tugging feeling I am experiencing in my nether regions.

I need to stay vigilant and always be on the prowl, because the last thing I want at this point is a relapse. I never want to experience this rebooting process again. It's something that I need to experience in order to become a man, but going through it more than once would be masochistic.

I really can't wait until I'm at least a year into this journey. I want to know what it's like to feel normal. I can tell I'm well on my way though.

6 months though. woo!

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #7 on: March 07, 2017, 11:30:54 AM »
Day 191

Morning would occurs more than it doesn't at this point in my reboot. I get it 5/7 days. That alone is so ridiculously encouraging to me because it is a phenomenon I never had the pleasure of experiencing the past 25 years I've been alive. It's like a whole new world is opening up to me. I cannot stress enough how WORTH IT this journey is. It's hard as hell, but so fucking worth it. I feel like a real human today. I can't imagine what things will be like a year into it. I have so many things to look forward to.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #8 on: November 08, 2017, 10:20:25 AM »
Day 14

I'm back. It's been a long road since my last post. Made it 250 days before I relapsed. Since have had streaks of 30, 60, 90, and now back to 14. I've never been closer to the finish line, but need to make sure I tie up loose ends and fix the emotional reasons why I relapse. I need to continue to build up on my values and to create a life that doesn't need the instant gratification of PMO to manage my emotions. Because that's what it turned into--a way to deal with uncomfortable emotions.

God bless everyone here, because we are the only ones who know how difficult it is to break free from this addiction. Especially when you began as a teen or younger. My parents, my friends, my brothers. they don't understand. i think they want to, but it's impossible. Only when you've gone through it can you understand the pain.

Good luck!

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #9 on: November 20, 2017, 02:29:12 PM »
Day 26

Feeling good. Confident about the success of this final reboot. My mind is strong and my emotions are stable. I feel as if I've slowly but surely replaced the gratification I would get from my addiction with life habits that are more productive/rewarding. It's really a matter of replacing pleasure with authentic happiness/satisfaction with life.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #10 on: November 28, 2017, 12:41:54 PM »
Day 32 or 33

Good day today. A pattern is beginning to emerge in my recovery journey. I have 4 days of good moods, decent libido, and energy/motivation. Then I'll have 2 days of cravings, which are basically withdrawals. At the end of the second day the withdrawals hit a crescendo of pain, and then fade away. I'll usually have a wet dream around this time.

Since the last time I relapsed was in the morning/early afternoon, I'll feel a craving during that time that will only last for half of the day. I'm convinced that our withdrawals/cravings are directly correlated to our relapses. Since my relationship with porn has turned into long streaks broken up by binges, the withdrawals only occur on certain days, but are very intense. Very, very intense. Mindfulness is a must for me, since being aware of the state I'm in is key in avoiding relapses. I'm pretty confident that I will defeat this thing on this streak. I've never felt closer to the finish line.

I know I have plenty of more bad days ahead, but I must take advantage of the good ones.

God bless and keep going fellas. This is the only way we can secure a normal, healthy life. There is no way around this addiction. We gotta go straight through it.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #11 on: December 02, 2017, 03:42:25 PM »
Day 37

My emotions are very topsy-turvey. I can go from feeling depressed to feeling slightly euphoric in a single day. I hope this means that my brain is on the verge of healing for good. Lord knows I've done my due diligence--I've fapped maybe 20 times, total, in the past year, and most of those faps were parts of a single day's binge.

I'm still undecided on how much relapses affect our recoveries, but I'd definitely advise avoiding them. Of course they are necessary to learning about your own weaknesses, but I'd say to be as proactive as possible when it comes to this recovery. relapses hurt. Bad.

Like I said, I hope that I'm near the end of this journey, or at least to a point where the withdrawals aren't so bad.

I think that once I hit the 3 month mark I'll be in a very good spot, but who knows for sure. This is an unpredictable process to say the least.

Good luck everyone. 

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #12 on: December 13, 2017, 03:09:09 PM »
Day 49

Still going strong. It's been an uphill battle, like it always is. Very ready for this process to be over (?), if that's ever a possibility. I just want to get to a point where I'm too happy with my current life to even think about sabotaging it, though I know that there isn't much rationality when making the decision to cave in. Life will go on.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #13 on: December 29, 2017, 04:01:46 PM »
Day 65

Bad day today. Cycle continues. Hopefully I will bounce back tomorrow. Good luck everyone

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #14 on: January 03, 2018, 11:39:17 PM »
Day 70

I fully realize that the number of days I have been clean from this addiction is not the most important aspect of my recovery, but as a human I'm drawn to statistics and metrics, so I'll continue to post what day I'm on because I love having some kind of anchor when it comes to this abstract disease. I need something tangible in a world of intangibility.

I had a weeklong flatline starting around Christmas Eve, and got out of it New Years Day after a night filled with odd dreams, morning wood, and another wet dream. I've had about 5 or 6 of those so far during this particular reboot.

In 2017 I'd say I relapsed a total of 20-25 times, and most of those were binges that occurred over a span of a single day. I'd say I spent 5-6 total days in the porn-induced haze. The rest have been times of abstinence. And I still wouldn't consider myself anywhere near I want to be, though I'm very optimistic about where I am right now. I've adopted a mindset that I can only describe as "willing to do whatever it takes". Cold showers, meditation, success stories, telling my loved ones about it, working out religiously. I've finally gotten to a point where I'm confident in my ability to do whatever it fucking takes. I guess I just got to a point where I hated porn so much that I could not let it fucking take another extra day from me. I'm doing my penance for all of the times in high school that I'd jerk off onto my bedroom carpet at 2 a.m.

I know that I have an addictive personality. And, sadly, I believe that it has caused this addiction to dig its claws particularly deep into my brain. But what can I do about it now besides beating it one day at a time? Nothing. That's the answer. And it has taken me years and years of failure to get to it. Some things can only be learned by doing. I'm a firm believer in that idea. Even though there are already hundreds of stories/people/accounts that are filled with the correct information, I still needed to fail in my own way before I could grasp what the successful rebooters were saying.

Gabe Deem is the fucking man. I plan on turning around an helping people just as he does, though on a much smaller scale. I truly believe that if I can help one person through the hell that is rebooting, that I've earned my keep. I would've paid thousands of dollars to find a person in real life who would take the time to walk me through this process, step by step. The first thing I would have wanted to hear is that beating this issue should be my number one priority. Above a career, above friends, above school. This thing needs to be taken care of before any real success can be had in the areas I've just listed.

The way my addiction has been going as of late is 3-5 "decent days" followed by 2-7 "bad days". Since I've already experienced 3 good ones, tonight being the end of the 3rd, I expect to entering another span of "bad days" shortly. No matter how much I try and prepare for them, I'll never get used to them. They hurt like hell every time. But I have no other choice, I need to do the best I can. I need to try and stay positive and to realize that I'm so much better off that where I was before all of this. I'm on the cusp of something great. Just need to keep going, no matter how many more days I need.

SCHLEPenstein

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #15 on: January 04, 2018, 01:11:56 AM »
Hey man. Just read this post. I'm looking for an accountability partner.

You got one yet?

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #16 on: January 04, 2018, 10:52:09 AM »
No I do not

ImOnMyWay

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #17 on: January 05, 2018, 01:02:02 PM »
Zander13,

Great story and remarkable work done! I commend you on your journey and the steps you've taken to beat this S.O.B. You are so correct in your statement about failure of your own. One cannot completely understand until they have tried, failed and tried again. Only this time you have the steps and the knowledge to succeed. I myself went through a similar stage and still feel I am in and out of it. The night of New Years Eve I had prepared myself for the thought of a possible overnight stay with my friend. I felt great and knew I could make it work if the time arose. When she had left that night, a sudden sadness fell over me like a weighted blanket carrying me to the bottom of the ocean and the next morning I MO'ed. This was my emotions taking control. I should have meditated and allowed myself a thought in the positive, but I acted. This past week I have been down on myself wondering what I did wrong. I allowed myself to get so excited about the possibility that when it didn't happen I was at an all time low. This is my failure.

Moving forward we need to take these experiences of "our" failures and turn them into positives and learning experiences. I have full faith in you that you will conquer this. You have the ability, knowledge and support to keep you going.

Keep up the hard work. You are already far along in your journey. Many steps forward from what once was!!

Best of luck my friend,

ImOnMyWay

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #18 on: January 08, 2018, 01:13:55 PM »
Day 75

My last round of “bad days” ended yesterday in the afternoon. I expect to have 4-5 “good days” before the withdrawals hit again. It is very nice to know my addiction’s rhythm like I do. Makes it much easier to cope with everything.

Morning wood is getting more and more consistent. At around 90 days I’m going to start fully attempting to retire with a real live female speciemen. Had an opportunity to this past weekend but was weirded out by her age (21). Should’ve just pulled the trigger but what are you gunna do? It was nice to feel attracted to her, and was a huge hit in confidence. I’m getting to the point where I’m truly tuning in to the realities of life. Emotions, dreams, monetary realities are now beginning to slowly make their way into my consciousness. I expect that as I further progress I’ll begin to expend increasingly smaller amounts of energy to fighting urges. My brain will, through neuroplasticity, build larger maps for other activities besides jizzing onto my belly. Sorry for the crudeness but I felt it was warranted.

I know rewiring will be my final task, and I look forward to the process. It will be the most liberating experience of my life. I have a lot of anxiety tied into the act of sex, and a successful completion of it will do so many things for me, not the least of which being a boost in confidence that can only come with that sort of thing. It’s validation of the highest order.

So long for now my good friends. Good luck to everyone, and don’t ever get cocky about this shit (this includes me). Complacency is perhaps our number one enemy.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #19 on: January 11, 2018, 02:08:15 PM »
Day 78

One thing I realized today was that in order to truly free myself from this mess, I need to alter the way I approach the world. I've been operating under faulty values for a while now, and not until today did I realize just how moronic the map I've been using has been, map being a metaphor for the guidelines I've set in place for how to live life in the correct way.

The most important thing I need to focus on going forward is connectivity and putting myself out of my comfort zone. I need to constantly be willing to put myself under duress, that is the only way I will grow. I need to have my worldview challenged at every turn. I need to be willing to make mistakes and to be wrong about things. I'm a perfectionist at heart, but that is no excuse to let myself be surrounded by a bubble of safety.

This has happened to me before--I find a good amount of success with a reboot and then find myself in a void of sorts. Abstaining from porn becomes easier and it no longer is an immediate threat--once this shift occurs, I no longer have a clear, definitive purpose. I'm basically on par with the rest of the world. I'm no longer as "different" as I used to be, I no longer have an excuse as to why I'm not fulfilling my potential.

I understand that I always need to be vigilant about porn, and that I'll never be allowed to view it or fantasize about it again, but it's time that I turn my attentions to al of the holes/problems/issues that have resulted from me putting all of my energies into beating this thing. I need to grow the fuck up. I need to figure out exactly what I want, what I need to do to get there, and then start taking the steps. I don't want to be a pulsating, nervy ball of unfulfilled potential. I want to be the guy that lives life to the absolute fullest.

It's going to be hard, because I think, deep down, my brain is wired to want to get home as fast as possible, be alone, and masturbate myself into an oblivion. I don't know if that will ever fully go away. But it's my job to fight that impulse and to remain out of the house. To be in front of others and to engage with the world. No more excuses man. It's time to saddle up and get after it. To take full responsibility for where I'm at and to do my best to remedy everything that has "gone wrong." I'm only 26 years old, I have time. But I don't want to waste any more of it. I have all the skills required. It's just a matter of sticking with something. Of not quitting when the going get's rough.

The more I fully engage myself in my life and with the world around me, the less I'll care about morning woods and minor withdrawals. I know this because I've been there before. I've lived hard enough to where the addiction is a minor nuisance. I don't want to downplay its potency or its danger, but I also know that as long as I take the proper steps each day, that I'm going to be fine. Most of the habits I need to beat this thing are already in place. Now it's time to focus on the other stuff.

ImOnMyWay

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #20 on: January 11, 2018, 04:09:41 PM »
Full faith in you man. Keep it up. If you need anything just holler!!

ImOnMyWay

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #21 on: January 14, 2018, 01:29:39 PM »
Day 81


Another day another dollar. I'm in the midst of one of my "bad days", but the funny thing about it that I don't really feel that bad. I know as the day goes on it will get worse (I think as a result of my relapses occurring at night), but compared to when I first began this final streak, my bad days aren't that bad. They really aren't. I think meditation has a lot to do with that. Meditation has been the biggest factor in my success. Scientifically, it strengthens my frontal lobes. Ephemerally, it helps me be keenly aware of my thoughts, moods, and emotions. It allows me to observe my mind from a third party perspective. Without getting too into spirituality, the idea of meditation and mindfulness has given me the gift of awareness. True awareness. I see things for what they are. Ego is ego, withdrawals are withdrawals, emotions are emotions. It all passes eventually, no mood or thought or sadness lasts forever.

I never want to get too cocky or arrogant about this addiction, because I know how powerful it is. It's better left alone--ignored. Instead of focusing on fantasies or past scenes (which rarely occur anymore), I take some deep breaths and center myself on my breath. Then I do my best to steer my head away from porn. I acknowledge it and do my best to move on. I ignore any movie or show that contains explicit material and if I do happen to come upon pornographic scenes, I either fast forward the program or turn it off immediately. It's that simple. I advise anyone struggling with this problem to think about using this method. It's all about the little things. There is no grand gesture involved when it comes to beating this addiction. It always comes down to the little things, the minor moments. Sometimes a little luck, too. This shit is so fucking powerful that even if I felt like I've done everything right, down to the last percent of a percent, I'd still, in the beginning of my reboot, feel urges so powerful that I thought I'd lose for sure. And as we all know, one loss usually equals a few others. The hardest part about getting back on the horse is getting back on the horse. But it must be done.

I've rambled and I've preached. But it helped me to read other people's successes, so I want to pass as much information along as I can. If I didn't know that other people had successfully conquered this addiction before me, I would have had a ridiculously difficult time beating it myself. Not saying that I've beaten it, I don't think I'll ever say that (I have too much respect for it's potency and persuasiveness), but yeah. Hearing about methods of success and examples of success was good for me.

On a more statistical level, I have MW almost every day of the week now. I think I've begun to tap into all of the headway I made last year (~230 days clean), which goes to show that relapses don't set you back all the way. I remember that before my relapse, I could get hard to touch alone. I'm starting to get back to that state again. Feels really good to have movement down there. It really does.

One final thing I want to add is that if we addicts want to beat this thing, we can't live life like everyone else. We can't be on snapchat, or instagram, or facebook. I mean I guess you can, but why risk it? I'd find it near impossible to beat this problem if I saw bikini shots on the regular. The internet has given us great gifts as a human race, but it has also brought on a tremendous amount of evil. Addictions are just a click away. They live in your pocket. It's our jobs to safeguard ourselves against all of the smut that lives on the web. Advertisers know how to get guy's attention, it's no secret that on any given webpage you're going to see something sexual. It's bullshit but that's capitalism for you. Doing what it takes to win the almighty dollar. I'd say it's a shitty way to run a country, but the alternatives seem even worse. Anyways, I don't want to get into politics.

Sorry for rambling, I guess I have a lot on my mind. It's going to take a while for me to psychologically recover from this addiction. It's one thing to recover erections and zest for life, it's another to get over the amount of time wasted, pain endured, and shame internalized.

The best part about beating this thing is being able to be proud of yourself. I firmly believe that. When it comes down to it, the addiction will always be a gigantic, threatening, killing machine. We just need to get big enough to defeat it. The addiction doesn't shrink, we just grow bigger than it.

Peace. And good luck to all. I truly hope everyone beats the fuck out of this no good trash.

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #22 on: January 15, 2018, 02:40:07 PM »
Day 82

Had one of the worst dreams of my life last night. It was a vivid, somewhat lucid dream where I relapsed to porn and everyone important in my life hated me for it. I felt the emotions as I was experiencing them in the dream. I woke feeling like shit, and apparently, when I relapsed in my dream, I had a wet dream in real life. So weird. Just goes to show that I'm not at the finish line yet. It still has a heavy presence in my subconscious. This addiction is so powerful it's ridiculous. And the thing is, porn is only becoming more relevant in today's culture. I think we are the tip of the ice burg when it comes to PMO addiction. There is no way that kids and teens of this era are not being affected by porn, perhaps even more heavily than us. That makes me sad to think about, but I'm definitely going to be around to help when shit inevitably hits the fan. We all know how hard it is to beat something so cunning and destructive.

ImOnMyWay

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #23 on: January 16, 2018, 09:22:18 AM »
Doing great man. Keep it up. Regarding that wet dream, you saw that I posted something from the success story (6 years PMO free). There is a section that discusses wet dreams or what he calls leaking. There are Kidney qi stretching routines that are supposed to help with this kind of thing. Personally I have not experienced this as of yet. But I am going to work on these stretch moves just for the hell of it. Good to stretch anyway.

I am in the same boat as you regarding the younger generations. I am going to do what I can to prevent P from taking over. It ruined my life for a while and I am just happy I have found a path. Thanks to this forum and brothers going through the same thing.

Talk soon,

ImOnMyWay

zander13

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Re: Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
« Reply #24 on: January 20, 2018, 01:40:04 PM »
Day 87

Had a bit of a scare last night. I was the horniest I'd been since the beginning of the reboot. I began to fantasize about girls after reading a triggering Success Story on YBOP. Honestly, I was so horny that most things were triggers. I also made the mistake of touching myself to test for erection. It came alright. Along with the familiar rush of chemicals in my brain and a thumping heartbeat.

I didn't act on anything, but I don't even want to be in those kinds of positions again. It had me texting old girls late at night and losing some self-respect. I woke this morning and felt depressed and lonely, and then I took a cold shower, got dressed up, and went outside. I feel safe now, but this experience was a kick in the nuts for me. This is exactly the time I relapsed my last reboot, and now I know why. I'm out of the worst part of the flatline. I'm becoming turned on by things, like movie scenes, suggestive success stories, and other things of that nature.

The way I'm going to approach my reboot for now on is simple. No arousal (no movies, tv, etc.), no touching of the package, and a rule that I will only spend time in my room for sleep. I get caught in these lonely trances when I spend too much time in my room. It's not good for me. I used to have the excuse of "I'm withdrawing and therefore not ready to be social", but that excuse is clearly fading. I need to toughen up for this final portion of my reboot. This is the time when I need to solidify positive sexual habits. Because last night, if one of the girls I texted came over (like how my imagination, the squirrely fuck, was picturing it) then I would've been using them for masturbatory pleasures. They would've been objects. And I would've felt immense guilt and shame right after I came.

I want to approahc this reboot from a loving point of view. I don't want to get my rocks off for the sake of rewiring, or ego-boosts, or anything like that. I want it to be meaningful. So, as of now, I still need to remain in hardmode. I'm a severe addict, and I need more time to let go of the porn-ish fantasies. Because they are still there.

If anyone has any good suggestions on how to actively rid yourself of the subconscious pull that porn has on my life, please let me know. I so badly want to put it behind me. Or at least 90% of it. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of having to worry. I just want to be a normal person. Sometimes I think that I will never get back to where I was before I started watching this evil.

Sorry I can't be more optimistic, but it is what it is. Good news is I didn't watch any P, though I do feel like I activated some of the pathways. Just like Gary, Norman Doidge, and any other well-informed anti-porn expert knows, the pathways we formed in our brains are deep. They're like heavy flowing rivers. Everything tries to flow into it. I think, for am moment there, I got cocky. I was so happy about my newfound libido that I stopped approaching my addiction as strictly. It only took a few hours for it to make its move. It almost got me I think. Thank God it didn't. Beating this addiction needs to remain my number one priority. Over sex, over ego, over everything. It will ruin me if I don't remain careful. And honestly, it's not that hard to do the things that are required of me. Just stay in public. Make efforts to be around people. For some reason, when I'm in a certain mood, doing those things seems near impossible. Our greatest fears lie in anticipation.

Peace out boys. Wish me luck on my updated journey. And good luck to the rest of you, and stay vigilant.