Author Topic: 36 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!  (Read 35280 times)

EarthWalker

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Re: 36 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #325 on: June 07, 2020, 03:38:56 PM »
It came to my attention that we are too hard on ourselves. We are doing the best we can with the hand we were dealt.

I think it is admirable how much effort each of us here put in trying to be better. Hats off to all of you fine gentlemen!

Apologies to OP for the off-topic.

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 36 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #326 on: July 21, 2020, 11:36:56 AM »

So, unfortunately I relapsed last night to PMO. :( Devastated of course, and wary of what's to come in terms of symptoms.

However, going three years with no PMO and rarely any sexual stimulation (apart from MO and fantasy) was really difficult at the end. Ultimately I am still an older virgin whose had ver, very limited amount with the opposite sex. I'm not making excuses, but it's really difficult going through life without a female companion or sexual excitation.

However, the early signs are good - my penis looks the same. I haven't checked my erection quality as I'm frankly too scared to do that.

The relapse itself was a minor relapse; i checked 4-5 pictures during a spell of no more than 5 minutes. I started feeling of excitation in my head and stomach. Not sure if this is how sex feels like or is it certainly the addiction?
The orgasm was not that intense. However, the orgasm was different..... I felt neural pathways in my brain activating. It actually wasn't nice as it reminded me of a feeling that I forgot (or maybe not even noticed before as this is the first time I had reverted back to PMO following a lengthy spell). After the ejculation, I started shaking, feeling nervous, feeling sick, feeling suicidal and I simply... well, sick, shaking, crying, suicidal, etc. I couldn't sleep afterwards, but eventually I got a decent night's sleep.

The next day (this morning) I woke up feeling better, albeit a little bit too anxious from yesterday still. I'm feeling a little bit tired (could be due to the energy of PMO or the anxiety). A little bit of a loss of appetite. When attempting to think about sex, I feel brain heating up. My penis looked fine (ie, it's not dead and not shrunk).

Overall I'm devastated and still a little bit sick. However, those are likely to be induced by the psychological aspects of our fight against PMO ('cause PMO is conceptualised in our brain as a negative thing). But thinking about it rationally, I don't believe this relapse has set me back too much. This is not an invitation to be complacent, it's simply my observation of someone that was for a long time without PMO and relapsed a 'normal' relapse. I don't believe it sets you back significantly, maybe 3 months at worse?

Does anyone have any questions, while my mind is still fresh from this?

If not, I hope maybe we can learn something from this?
Last PMO: July 2020 (ending approx 3 years no PMO).
Longest Hardmode 6 months (During 3 years of no PMO).
Last MO: Trying to go through Hardmode due to relapse of July 2020.

Icandoit

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Re: 36 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #327 on: July 22, 2020, 06:25:42 AM »
I feel you, man. No sex can drive people crazy. I don't have much success with girls either so I know what's like. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I relapse so much. It's like my brain interprets porn as my "sex life", if you know what I mean.

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 36 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #328 on: July 22, 2020, 08:40:51 AM »
Yeah.  :( :( :(
Last PMO: July 2020 (ending approx 3 years no PMO).
Longest Hardmode 6 months (During 3 years of no PMO).
Last MO: Trying to go through Hardmode due to relapse of July 2020.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: 36 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #329 on: July 22, 2020, 02:38:19 PM »
The relapse doesn't set you back much, when it was only one occassion and you are back in hardmode?

Having intimacy with a woman you like or love is undescribable. The first times it's a cocktail of a lot of emotions, but the more often you have the chance with the same woman of interest, the better it gets, because of the trust in each other.

I just try not to think about sex, but i'm also very strict with myself. No MO, fantasy, thinking about sex, just nothing but normal intercourse with the GF.

What was is that got you triggered to relapse?

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 36 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #330 on: July 22, 2020, 02:42:25 PM »
Yeah, I'm in Hardmode hopefully for at least 6 months.

The lockdown really fucked me up a bit, I just felt frustrated from not seeing real females, I suppose.

Last PMO: July 2020 (ending approx 3 years no PMO).
Longest Hardmode 6 months (During 3 years of no PMO).
Last MO: Trying to go through Hardmode due to relapse of July 2020.

linton170

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Re: 36 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #331 on: July 31, 2020, 12:52:05 PM »
I totally feel you brother. I'm 33, virgin, gay, come from a religious background and suffering from ED. Due to Covid pandemic, I smell joblessness peeking. Only difference is I feel amazing. Don't smoke, don't drink, exercise almost everyday, eat healthy, play video games, watch movies, read books, I even draw and write. I do feel sad having lost my twenties "sexlessly", but apart from that, life's great! And I'm going to regain my sex life, that's my aim, and I'll get there.  ;D

We're in this together, so keep strong  ;)

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 36 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #332 on: August 02, 2020, 11:22:35 AM »
My mum asked me to do a bit of gardening for which I reluctantly agreed. As I was doing it, my thoughts about you know what (ie, me being an older virgin whose had no fun in life and is currently stuck in his mother's home unable to get his own place or a GF) where controlling my mind, and then I suddenly threw the pitchfork on the floor, shouted 'FUCK OFF!' and stormed back to my room.

This is the state that I'm fucking in now! If the activity has no direct influence towards me achieving my goals, then I'm simply not fucking motivated to do it! I'm not motivated about anything in life apart from doing the things that will eventually help me get regular sex life!! (ie, going to the gym, working, studying, etc).

This is the state of an old virgin, ladies and gentlemen. I fucking despise who I am.
Last PMO: July 2020 (ending approx 3 years no PMO).
Longest Hardmode 6 months (During 3 years of no PMO).
Last MO: Trying to go through Hardmode due to relapse of July 2020.

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 36 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #333 on: August 02, 2020, 11:24:04 AM »
I totally feel you brother. I'm 33, virgin, gay, come from a religious background and suffering from ED. Due to Covid pandemic, I smell joblessness peeking. Only difference is I feel amazing. Don't smoke, don't drink, exercise almost everyday, eat healthy, play video games, watch movies, read books, I even draw and write. I do feel sad having lost my twenties "sexlessly", but apart from that, life's great! And I'm going to regain my sex life, that's my aim, and I'll get there.  ;D

We're in this together, so keep strong  ;)

Thank you. Going through my 20s and now most likely my 30s sexless is suffocating me.
Last PMO: July 2020 (ending approx 3 years no PMO).
Longest Hardmode 6 months (During 3 years of no PMO).
Last MO: Trying to go through Hardmode due to relapse of July 2020.

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: 36 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #334 on: August 02, 2020, 03:46:17 PM »
Hello Dao,

I've read your comment and just can't let it stand there without intervention.
Firstly, it's understandable how you feel and i'm not questioning this feeling, which i have deepest respect for. It's the thinking that you suffer under this state that i don't like. In our situation negative thoughts multiply with negative thoughts leading you more and more often into the state of emotion where a use of addictive behaviour is likely. Meaning, you suffocating is holding you back in making the steps you want to do.

Anyway, we are in this together and what you've mentioned about motivation for things in life that aren't helping you reaching your goals is really what i've experienced myself. You can't instantly change what hasn't happened yet, so you are free to seperate anything away from your life that isn't contributing to focus all your enegry towards your goals.

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 36 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #335 on: August 03, 2020, 11:41:56 AM »
Believe me, for quite a while, I was in control of my mind - wasn't thinkin negative and wasn't thinking much about sex and girls. I can go a long time without sabotaging my mind, but every once in a while..... bad thoughts creep in and then I suddenly go through 2-3 days being angry and depressed. It's definitely not realistic that I can win against my thoughts all the time. No chance!!

Thanks for your support, anyway.
Last PMO: July 2020 (ending approx 3 years no PMO).
Longest Hardmode 6 months (During 3 years of no PMO).
Last MO: Trying to go through Hardmode due to relapse of July 2020.

EarthWalker

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Re: 36 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #336 on: August 04, 2020, 02:37:30 AM »
Speaking for my experience with a different online community. Online communities are not equipped to facilitate any kind of "help". The best what we can do is share experience, knowledge, stories, etc and send some good wishes. This is about the extent of help I personally expect.

It is tough. I am guessing you didn't had a father figure in your life and your mother is a bit on the male side. I have this kind of upbringing. It messed me up. I am still a mess. 34 yo and a virgin. This is not suppose to be this way. But here we all are...

I find a lot of comfort listening to Jordan Peterson and this guy now Dan Crenshaw makes a lot of sense to me.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/30257963-12-rules-for-life
https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/43387496-fortitude

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjrQayR_S8k

My thought and prayers are with you.

Not long ago this phrase totally triggered me. Now I understand. This is how it is meant to be. Only we can do the inner work for ourselves.

EW

imsorrynotsorry

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Re: 36 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #337 on: August 04, 2020, 04:01:41 PM »
Hey,

negative thoughts also have their rights to exist when there are aswell the positive ones. I'm saying, let them exist, you know how to handle them and if not you can learn how to.

How are you handling the situation right now with PMO?

DepressedAndOut

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Re: 36 - Virgin - Depressed - PIED? PLEASE HELP ME!
« Reply #338 on: August 06, 2020, 10:35:55 AM »
Not PMOing. Slight urges slight night which kept persisting to the point that I had to pleasure myself with my penis for a little while. I didn't MO, but thankfully the self pleasuring for 1-2 minutes was enough for me to loss my urges. I guess I had a dopamine hit there!
Last PMO: July 2020 (ending approx 3 years no PMO).
Longest Hardmode 6 months (During 3 years of no PMO).
Last MO: Trying to go through Hardmode due to relapse of July 2020.