Author Topic: See them grow up  (Read 18785 times)

cranm329

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #150 on: March 15, 2019, 11:26:19 AM »
The proposed legislation in the UK to reduce P availability to children is good move in principle.
The old guilt and fear associated with P addiction give me mixed signals. Overall, it will, for me, be a deterrent to accessing any P.

BigMog

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #151 on: March 17, 2019, 08:55:33 AM »
I too can relate to the anxieties mentioned earlier, though I won’t catalog them here. I will be glad to leave them in the far, distant past.

As for proposed legislation, I have to admit I wasn’t aware of it, though I think some regulation would be a good thing. I will look it up. I think lots of education for kids, (even those in their 50s) is vital too!

I guess my view for how society could handle pornography mirrors my personal experience in that just having porn blockers doesn’t work because I can disable them if I start sliding down the PMO hole. On the other hand just reprogramming myself to do all the good long term changes to eliminate porn doesn’t work so well on its own because, if the porn blockers etc aren’t there, a moment’s weakness can lead to a binge.

Similarly, for youngsters, if they understand why porn is bad and they can’t easily access it, then maybe the problem can be reduced.

Anyway, apologies to all for breaking my vow of not rambling on in someone else’s journal.

Our main priority is to fix ourselves (and encourage each other).

Keep strong, remember, we don’t do porn!


workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #152 on: March 18, 2019, 08:52:21 AM »
Anyway, apologies to all for breaking my vow of not rambling on in someone else’s journal.

I'm more guilty than anybody of "rambling on in someone else's journal"!  :o Was that a hint, BigMog?  :D
I take your point too.... I need to set barriers that make P more challenging to access, at the same time as providing education to make it less desirable.

Lot's of stuff in the UK media this weekend had me thinking. A famous ex-footballer and current TV pundit had admitted relapsing in his fight against gambling addiction. He's also a recovering alcoholic. The various experts were pushing very strongly the view that when we try to come off a drug, and create a resulting gap, our brain will look to fill that gap and that because we often feel "dysphoria" (anxiety, unease, unhappiness) at the time we come off Addictive Substance A, we often fill the gap with Addictive Substance B to numb-out from that dysphoria. When I first tried to crack my S and P addictions, 6 years back, I went through a spell of drinking heavily and getting drunk at social events and I got myself into a couple of fights, resulting in a formal police caution. Not good. My therapist at the time helped me to understand that i was displacing my inability to deal with underlying emotional issues, from one substance/behaviour (P/S) to another (alcohol/drunkenness). She helped me get on track with the deeper stuff and I massively reduced my alcohol intake. Haven't been drunk in years. Brings me back to the two things I need to keep hammering into my brain, over and over again;

1. Unless I continue to work on my underlying issues of low self-esteem, perceived unworthiness, attractiveness and insecurity, the "chimp" part of my brain will start looking for a quick-fix, through some other numbing behaviour/substance
2. Unless I commit myself to new, positive and healthy behaviours that fill my time and give me something worthwhile to be excited about, I'll be creating fertile ground for unhealthy stuff to fill the vacuum... in summary... a relapse

https://www.addictioncenter.com/community/addiction-replacement/



workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #153 on: March 19, 2019, 09:27:25 AM »
70 days no P or M. Something to feel grateful for and also to feel humble about. Seems such a small thing to achieve for a short amount of time but it has been and it continues to be a challenge. My system generally has less heat in it now. I'm physically cooler. My brain is clearer. I remember dreams, which I can't recall having been able to do before. Things are far from perfect in other areas of my life but they're stable and I work best when i focus on one task or challenge at a time. I won't tempt fate by increasing the energy i invest in those areas yet. Need to stay focused, stay in the present and enjoy the positives.

Rex

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #154 on: March 19, 2019, 09:39:27 AM »
70 days no P or M. Something to feel grateful for and also to feel humble about. Seems such a small thing to achieve for a short amount of time but it has been and it continues to be a challenge. My system generally has less heat in it now. I'm physically cooler. My brain is clearer. I remember dreams, which I can't recall having been able to do before. Things are far from perfect in other areas of my life but they're stable and I work best when i focus on one task or challenge at a time. I won't tempt fate by increasing the energy i invest in those areas yet. Need to stay focused, stay in the present and enjoy the positives.

workinprogressUK,

Congrats on reaching 70 days, that's a big milestone!  It will continue to get better...  Remain vigilant and continue to be upbeat and you'll notice that it continues to get better as you progress in your reboot..

You're doing great keep up the great work!
Rex
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cranm329

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #155 on: March 19, 2019, 11:31:11 AM »
Yes, big congrats. Amazing achievement. Still with you in our day by day progress through recovery.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #156 on: March 20, 2019, 10:57:07 AM »
Thanks you Rex... Cranm329. Really appreciate the continued support. P addiction isolated me and it's good to feel part of a community.

No P or M. No cravings for P for a while. Feels good. I'm very fortunate. Lunch out with the wife in the sun today. Off climbing with my son this evening. Life's good without P. Wishing you all success in your own fight.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #157 on: March 21, 2019, 09:21:31 AM »
Reading an overview of Marlatt’s Cognitive-Behavioral Model fro Relapse Prevention in The Journal of Alcohol Research & Health. Looks very similar to the one I followed in rehab a few years ago. One paragraph jumped out at me, so I copied it here for further thought;

"The covert antecedent most strongly related to relapse risk involves the degree of balance in the person’s life between perceived external demands (i.e., “shoulds”) and internally fulfilling or enjoyable activities (i.e., “wants”). A person whose life is full of demands may experience a constant sense of stress, which not only can generate negative emotional states, thereby creating high-risk situations, but also enhances the person’s desire for pleasure and his or her rationalization that indulgence is justified (“I owe myself a drink”). In the absence of other nondrinking pleasurable activities, the person may view drinking as the only means of obtaining pleasure or escaping pain".

I was brought up with a very strong focus on delivering "shoulds" and the suppression of "wants". Not all negative; good to respect obligations. But i remain uncomfortable with pleasure. I feel guilty doing things that I enjoy, if it's not also "doing my duty". I've been guilty of resenting the Shoulds on many occasions and using that as a rationale for acting out. I'm trying very hard to find more balance between Shoulds and Wants, to accept pleasure in a sober life. But obligations always weigh much heavier. Timing of this read is interesting. Going away with a friend this weekend and leaving the family behind  :-\. Wife's idea to stop my week being a cycle of work, childcare, gym and chores. It's a good idea, I know, but I feel soooooooo fucking guilty about it  :(. Reading this study will hopefully reinforce the importance of finding pleasure in real friendships, experiences and hobbies. If the scientists say it's in the best interests of my recovery to go have some fun for a weekend, perhaps I can loosen-up a little.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #158 on: March 26, 2019, 09:33:26 AM »
First thing's first... I reckon it's 88 days since I looked at P, allowed a sexual fantasy of any kind, or resorted to M. In that time I've had a single O with my wife. I don't know if that's a "hard mode" approach or not, but I'm absolutely committed to staying clean, which means never using any form of P again. My life is a pleasure and I love being a more present, honest, reliable, empathetic, person as a result. I'm super grateful to be clean today and I really appreciate the role that this forum plays in that.

Secondly.... I got some feedback from another forum user that a reply I made on somebody's thread was inappropriate and encouraged people that P could be used safely. That wasn't my intention. I read my post again and whilst I'm 100% clear that I was telling the guy that porn can't be used safely by guys (like me and him) with porn addiction / compulsion, it could at face value have been an invitation to try a book that championed P consumption in moderation. I've apologised to the other user, I'll apologise to the OP and I apologise to anybody else who thought that post was ill advised. Sometimes I try to be cleverer than I am and that can result in the words not being clear and the message getting confused. One to take on the chin and learn from.

Wishing you all the best in your fight against P today. P is not an option.

cranm329

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #159 on: March 26, 2019, 11:35:16 AM »
Well done going 3 months. The O thing is a personal preference, I believe. As long as (like YBOP suggests) it does not give a 'chaser' effect and difficulty with urges, it's up to individuals and their partners to decide about O. Thanks for your integrity about the P issue. I didn't read it but have chosen to steer clear of any external sexual stimuli for ever. All the best for your nominal 90 days or whatever duration you decide upon.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #160 on: March 27, 2019, 06:54:57 AM »
Oooops!
Got my dates wrong. Not enough fingers and toes. 78 days.

BigMog

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #161 on: March 27, 2019, 05:54:36 PM »
Hi WiPUK, 78 Days is still excellent. Keep at it!

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #162 on: March 28, 2019, 07:06:58 AM »
Thanks BigMog!

Feeling triggered, so I'll be brief, shut down and hit the gym. Two very late nights coming back from holiday on Monday night and a business trip yesterday. Sleep patterns disrupted and I've let myself get tired. Combined with a bit of post-holiday blues, which is making me feel very bored and lacking focus. Can hardly claim to feel hungry, I'm not angry, but maybe I'm a bit lonely. Going to get out of myself and hit the gym. Time to RUN. Removing myself from my computer now. This is just a short, minor, craving and I have the power to change the situation. Bye for now! Have a great day, everybody.

Prodigal son

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #163 on: March 31, 2019, 04:35:22 PM »
Rock On!
http://www.pluckeye.net/
Masculinity is Never Toxic

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #164 on: April 02, 2019, 09:13:59 AM »
Coped with my triggers last week and remained clean. RUN works well for me when I implement it. Should execute it earlier and not try to white knuckle my way through a P craving.

No P or M since early January. I think that my brain continues to rewire, through a hard reboot and avoiding anything that revs my system too high. About to take on a fairly significant financial commitment at a time when economic prospects aren't favourable. I need to see the pleasure that investment brings my family and keep doing the things that will keep me on the wave at work. If I let it stress me, I hear my chimp saying "fuck this and do some P". It's a quiet voice currently and easily filtered out.

Injuries mostly healed now. Only my shoulder still sub-optimal and I can cope with that. Sport and training are my most helpful and positive outlets, but I need to moderate and not over-train. Injuries put the brakes on my recovery in more ways than one.

If you read this... sincere thanks. Wishing you every success in your recovery today. I commit to stay clean today.

Rex

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #165 on: April 02, 2019, 11:46:00 AM »
Coped with my triggers last week and remained clean. RUN works well for me when I implement it. Should execute it earlier and not try to white knuckle my way through a P craving.

No P or M since early January. I think that my brain continues to rewire, through a hard reboot and avoiding anything that revs my system too high. About to take on a fairly significant financial commitment at a time when economic prospects aren't favourable. I need to see the pleasure that investment brings my family and keep doing the things that will keep me on the wave at work. If I let it stress me, I hear my chimp saying "fuck this and do some P". It's a quiet voice currently and easily filtered out.

Injuries mostly healed now. Only my shoulder still sub-optimal and I can cope with that. Sport and training are my most helpful and positive outlets, but I need to moderate and not over-train. Injuries put the brakes on my recovery in more ways than one.

If you read this... sincere thanks. Wishing you every success in your recovery today. I commit to stay clean today.

workinprogressUK,

You're doing great, you're almost at 90 days!  That's a great accomplishment!  During the reboot process you're going to have  good days and bad days all mixed in with the daily curve balls that life throws at us.  When the stress and bad days really get to you and the temptations seem intense.  Remember, it's only temporary and it will pass.  Keep focused on how far you have come in your reboot and the great victory that you have obtained staying clean.  During the rough patches it's so easy to forget that you are free from PMO, just keep moving forward.

Keep up the great work, you are doing great!
Rex
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workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #166 on: April 04, 2019, 06:49:06 AM »
Thank Rex. It really does feel like I'm making progress. And when I stop feeling the gains, it's great to get encouragement from somebody like you.

My resolve is currently strong. Much stronger than any cravings or desire for P. I'm confident that I'll stay clean for as long as I prioritise honesty over P. My processes are helping me to behave rationally and logically. 80-something days clean. I don't have the emotional flatline feeling but my libido is lower than I can ever remember. Has been since I last relapsed at New Year. Hopefully that will pass and it's a symptom of rebooting rather than a emotional/relational issues. Whatever happens, P's not part of my present and it can't be part of my future.

Wishing you every success in your own personal fight.

BigMog

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #167 on: April 05, 2019, 03:07:28 PM »
Nice going WiPUK! Glad to see you doing so well. Yep, we’re all kicking P out of our lives.

switched_off_again

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #168 on: April 05, 2019, 06:58:06 PM »
Great work WIPUK. Your awareness of your triggers and your ability to cope with them is inspiring. Your response to my most recent post is 100% correct. I need to look back at the patterns I have written about and learn from them!

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #169 on: April 08, 2019, 04:26:27 AM »
Thanks for the feedback SOA / BigMog. Your support helps me to stay with the programme when I feel challenged.

Still clean today. No P or M since January 8. Rewarding weekend on many levels. Invested my time, money and energy in family and friends, which feels like a privilege. Having been dishonest and self-centred for so many years, it's humbling to give something back and feel like I'm putting the happiness of those around me first. I behaved badly for years, so I can't take this happy family life for granted. I'm very fortunate. I need to keep respecting that.

On the down-side, libido is still very low. Just a single O with wife since Jan 8 and I have no desire in that direction. Everything else in the relationship works fine, but neither of us seems interested in physical intimacy. Maybe it'll come back with time. Maybe it's something we'll need to proactively work on. I don't feel ready to prioritise that at the moment. Writing these updates is powerful. I can come in feeling shit and go out feeling good. I can come in feeling calm and log out troubled. Lots to think about on the back of this one  :-\ That said, I feel strong. I'm focused. I'll stay clean today. SO glad I have no P in my life!

jixu

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #170 on: April 08, 2019, 05:05:36 AM »
Thanks for your encouragement and it looks like you have hit or have almost hit 90-keep up the good work friend !

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #171 on: April 11, 2019, 06:52:04 AM »
Thanks for your encouragement and it looks like you have hit or have almost hit 90-keep up the good work friend !

I have indeed, Jixu. Thanks for that  :). More than 90 days without P or M. Checking-in clean, sober and apparently sane. For anybody reading this who is still in the incredibly difficult early days, please hold on and keep fighting. IT WILL GET EASIER FOR YOU! The feelings of loss, emptiness, desire and numbness of the early days are horrible and I remember them, but I don't experience them any more.

Came back in the early hours from a business trip to North Africa. That itinerary traditionally has a whole bunch of triggers associated with it for me. Making the trip as easy as I could helped avoid triggers. Just because we're in recovery from something we're not happy about doesn't mean we need to wear sack-cloth and ashes. For me, that only makes recovery more difficult! Booking those extra comforts, like airport security fast-track, a lounge pass, a nice hotel rather than the cheapest one.... they can all help make an already stressful and difficult experience a lot less likely to flip me out.

Wishing you every success in your personal fight today. Porn isn't worth it. I'm going to keep fighting. Thanks.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #172 on: April 15, 2019, 07:53:18 AM »
Still clean and in my recovery. Only by the skin of my teeth and I'm bloody grateful for it. Very strong cravings for MO yesterday. Only mild craving for P but I've really struggled. Jeez.... wish I was stronger. Wish I had a better handle on this, too. Confusion; why the strong cravings now? I had a good friend staying for the weekend, going through divorce, wanted to chew the cud into the early hours. Got tired. Maybe more importantly, I've been flatlining since January and only recently starting to feel emotion. One O since Jan 8th and none since mid Feb. Perhaps it's natural to want some relief after the denial? Glad to be feeling back in control today. No harm done. Still in my recovery. Learning all the time. Hoping for a stable day.

BigMog

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #173 on: April 16, 2019, 06:01:01 PM »
Keep strong WIPUK! Well done for staying clean on your Africa trip and not giving in yesterday. Good victories. Looks like you’re freeing yourself from the grip of PMO.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #174 on: April 18, 2019, 06:40:31 AM »
Thanks Mog. I'm finding it easier to stay in control than i used to. Cravings are pretty mild and infrequent but I think it's important for me to stay "present" now, rather than complacent.

I think it's 100 days without P or M today. That makes me especially glad when I think of how completely owned by P I used to be. I've had streaks this long before though, and fallen off my wagon eventually. I'm studying more than I did in past rehabs - just to keep it in focus.

I don't know about anybody else, but during my reboot, I really tried not to touch down below any more than strictly necessary. Inspected my nuts the other day in the shower and one of them feels big and weird. Problem is, it's so long since I checked them out that I can't remember if they used to feel that way or not  :o Facing up to the need to get down to the doc's and present him with my neglected nutsack after 100 days of hard-mode reboot. What could possibly go wrong  :P