Author Topic: See them grow up  (Read 20670 times)

fyg

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #75 on: April 19, 2017, 04:29:05 AM »
I think lots of us can relate to the negative slant we put on good things. I think it's partly an addiction we have to negative thinking, via neural pathways. So, hopefully, we can be easy on ourselves when these thoughts appear - maybe understand why, and laugh a little, if not at the time, maybe a few hours later.

But! If you don't mind me saying, 90 days and all the positive change you mention, from where I'm standing looks and sounds amazing!! Keep going man, you're totally on it!! (even if you don't totally feel it - they say something like "it takes the brain/ourselves some time to catch up to the positive change we have implemented into our lives"!! Like, it will feel incongruent for a while as we're not used to it, like choppy waters at sea, and then balance will restore, and the sea will be calm. Then it might get choppy again ;) ). Onwards and upwards. And thanks on the good luck :)
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #76 on: April 20, 2017, 09:30:48 AM »
Really appreciate your support, FYG. Thank you for that. Hopefully my brain's just taking a little time to get used to the changes and I'll be in a better place soon.

Fantasy and masturbation were originally a refuge I went to when I was confronted by things I couldn't cope with. That developed to compulsive levels, as my neurals became conditioned to the constant dopamine, and then escalated into more extreme behaviours, as my brain became de-sensitised to the "softer" stuff. So now I'm in recovery and I won't allow myself to go back to porn and all that went with it, but there are still plenty of everyday things that I struggle to cope with. Meaning that until I can find a way to deal with these issues, and develop healthy coping strategies, I'm going to continue to feel anxious, insecure and generally shitty, because I've denied myself the old self-soothing route. After a long time in therapy and a lot of self study, I know what some of those unresolved issues are.... but I'm a million miles away from resolving them. Which leads me back to being "clean" but bloody miserable.

Don't get me wrong, that's a hell of a lot better place than "dirty" and bloody miserable, which is where I was when I was acting out  :). I think I'll start to see an improved mental state when I'm further into my knee rehab too, and I can get back to travelling with work and exercising properly. For now, I'm grateful to be able to vent my frustrations here and to enjoy another day sane.

« Last Edit: April 20, 2017, 09:33:14 AM by workinprogressUK »

Abc

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #77 on: April 20, 2017, 09:47:02 AM »
workinprogressUK, Congrats on your progress and sorry to here your clean and miserable. I do know what that's like, I was a really bad cocaine addict for many years and I went through the same thing once I was clean. At about a year clean I was seeing things a lot clearer and was truly seeing all the damage I had done and all I had lost. In my head I was like Dude you might as well get high because your life sucks you lost everything and no one cares anymore so you can get high and forget about all this crap. I think its just we are thinking without our drug of chose clouding or judgement and also mixed in with out addicted brains still trying to get there fix. I can tell you it gets better my friend so dont give in and lose all you have worked for up to now. My mother and father made me see a therapist and he really helped me to see the light and appreciate where I am at. I am so glad they insisted I go because I never would have went on my own. And you are right it will help when you are back up and moving around and can keep your head busy too. Hang in there buddy and stay strong.

fyg

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #78 on: April 20, 2017, 10:52:56 AM »
Most welcome WIP  8). I'm sorry you're miserable too. I dunno whether this helps, but lately, a sense of humour has been returning for me - I think, as I've been feeling shit too, and I think that if you allow yourself to feel these feelings without escaping too much, you start to find natural coping mechanisms again. My refuges are/were similar to yours. Abc's words of realising the damage that had been done in his life are starting to become clear for me just lately too (also read similar in Lyon's journal last night)... I'm sure it will become clearer still...boy o boy!

I dunno, but I think there is a balance between looking deeply at these things like we're doing and being positive also :) That's the path I'm gonna try and tread. Anyway some days I have less to say than others, and today's one of 'em. Abc has your back covered saying things will get better, I think it's always great to have support from somebody who has been there and come out the other side.

Good vibes to you, man!
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #79 on: April 24, 2017, 05:54:12 AM »
Very solid weekend, followed by a Monday morning wobble. That's become an established pattern and I wonder if it's one that other "recoverers" experience? I logged-in to my newspaper at the office and found myself tempted by some articles that were definitely in a "grey area" that I'd be wiser to move past. Because as I read in "Bob's" journal earlier, allowing myself to look at something even vaguely off-message, especially on a monday morning, or at another time when my resolve is weak, just amps-up the withdrawal pain and the temptation. And then I have to waste a lot of energy resisting the temptation, rather than just getting on with a positive day. So I think I may have to try to avoid catching up on The Guardian until after lunches. I'm not a fan of UFC as a sport, but I read an interview with their commentator "Joe Rogan" a few weeks ago in a weight training magazine and he said something like "I focus first on delivering my obligations, because once I've done that, I can go about the rest of my life free of guilt and anxiety", and I like that message. I'm a natural prevaricator, so it really helps me to get my obligations dealt with first, and then I can do other stuff without feeling like a loser.

Anyway, to conclude this little ramble, I shut down The Guardian's "Culture" page, resisted The Chimp telling me to go look for some juicier morsels, and came on here to get my head straight. Really helped, especially clicking through to a blog suggested by one of the Mods, Gracie, which had some great stuff in it.

In other news, in line with my efforts to make my non-P life more stimulating and challenging, I've signed-up for Mandarin lessons. Part of "The Life Wheel" approach to achieving balance that I founs so helpful as part of The Hall Recovery Course.

Right! Onwards an Upwards. I have a day to conquer  ;D

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #80 on: April 25, 2017, 07:44:17 AM »
Successful day so far today. Front-loaded my diary with appointments, which kept me off the Internet and seems to have helped me to stay focused. No relapse urges. Anxiety being managed. Hope that remains the case through the rest of the day.

sound mind

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #81 on: April 25, 2017, 10:59:55 AM »
workinprogressUK thank you so so much for writing this and congratulations im thinking how on earth a i going to reach 90 days. So i just put that on shelf bring and just have a look on my shelf now and then. i am no PMO  i think 7 days not really sure  but what you have said in your posts are so awesome to me why !
Because i think as i'm reading your story your helping me think when your on porn we know it effects our sound mind and i'm trying
to work this out with everybody's stories I've read so as i am rebooted hopefully my mind will be sounder so bare with as i join you on this journey.

I would you be ok me talking about what you have prevoiusly and tell you what i think might be going on
in your life that i can see whats going on in mine if that makes any sence
kind regards not so sound mind yet 

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #82 on: April 25, 2017, 11:51:29 AM »
Thanks Sound Mind. Kind words and much appreciated.
Congrats on breaking out of your previous patterns. Your mind is seven days sounder than it was before.... and counting. Wishing you every success.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #83 on: May 01, 2017, 11:45:01 AM »
Taking some satisfaction from having put some structure and Internet management into my working day. Also for leaving a friend's BBQ last night at 8:15 before the wine started flowing too fast; both things that have helped me stay balanced, positive and focused on the Monday morning after a hectic weekend. Also happy that I've chosen to work this Bank Holiday. Gets me ahead of my own personal anxiety curve. Nice evening here, so I'm heading out to play some cricket. Hoping that I have similarly positive days ahead.

Take care of yourselves. Wishing you all a calm day.

bob

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #84 on: May 01, 2017, 07:23:18 PM »
Workin,

Sounds like you are making real progress. Keep it up.

Peace

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #85 on: May 03, 2017, 07:04:25 AM »
Thank Bob  :)
Over 100 days P&M free now, and I have to admit that life is a lot more predictable and safe than it was when I was acting out. So much less Cortisol floating about in my system, now that I'm not worried about deviant behaviours being discovered by family, friends or employers. Being able to live without that fear is a major benefit of ditching the old lifestyle. Another is that I'm so much more productive at work, resulting in the four years since I made the decision to break my sex addiction being the most financially lucrative of my career. I still miss P from time to time and I certainly struggle to resist cravings for that and for M. But all in all, life's a whole lot better on this side of the line. Hoping to stay clean today, and wishing you all success in your daily struggles.

Abc

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #86 on: May 03, 2017, 08:53:48 AM »
100 days ? Thats awesome WIPUK ! Keep up the good work ! You are an inspiration to all. 

sound mind

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #87 on: May 03, 2017, 01:18:50 PM »
Thank Bob  :)
Over 100 days P&M free now, and I have to admit that life is a lot more predictable and safe than it was when I was acting out. So much less Cortisol floating about in my system, now that I'm not worried about deviant behaviours being discovered by family, friends or employers. Being able to live without that fear is a major benefit of ditching the old lifestyle. Another is that I'm so much more productive at work, resulting in the four years since I made the decision to break my sex addiction being the most financially lucrative of my career. I still miss P from time to time and I certainly struggle to resist cravings for that and for M. But all in all, life's a whole lot better on this side of the line. Hoping to stay clean today, and wishing you all success in your daily struggles.

love your title    well done sir and love what you wrote the benefits are awesome I've read it all over thankyou for your honesty. Living without fear WOW   

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #88 on: May 09, 2017, 03:49:58 AM »
It is taking so long to reinforce positive patterns in my brain, after years of perpetuating negative ones. I'm not complaining - just making a little, mental, note. I succeeded last night, with my wife away on business, in avoiding any craving for M when I went to bed. Used to be a chronic wanker in my acting out days, especially when sleeping alone. But I don't allow myself to turn on my laptop after dinner nowadays and that helps break the connection between a night solo and P&M. Reading an appropriate book never gave me an M craving. I don't know about anybody else, but I do need to set rules, and stick to them, or everything gets a lot harder. I've broken one this morning. No major drama. But I've found that, in recovery, I can easily waste most of a day online, moving through a series of websites that are now pretty well ingrained as a neural pathway the size of a fairly major road. Not the 12-lane motorway that P&M used to be, but a fairly efficient thoroughfare all the same. So I've been trying to avoid the Internet until my lunch break, and that's made me a lot more effective and productive. So having farted about online for the last hour, I know I'm going to struggle to stay offline for any meaningful period of time for the rest of the day. Just one of those little "grey area" decisions I still get wrong some times. Smiling about it... nice to recognise a small error of judgement for what it is... rather than an Epic Fail. But I'll log-off now and try to remind myself about this one tomorrow. But still clean and reaping the benefits in general. No P or M since mid January and everything seems to be getting better.
Wishing you all a successful day.

workingonit

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #89 on: May 11, 2017, 08:23:33 AM »
Hello WIP - I am Workingonit - please to meet you. 

After not logging on for a while, I thought I would (as I have someone I regularly have contact with through here via personal messages), and came across your name with UK in it. I am also UK and was interested to read about your journey.  The one message was how you had a business trip coming up and had strategies to cope with it.  How did they fare?  Did you slip?  My porn sex addiction was completely hidden my entire life from everyone.   Although some people may have doubted my sexuality at some point or another, no-one in my life except a few people I have spoken to in the last few years (including therapist who I believe is part of the group you did your week course with - what an experience those sessions were) have any clue what I have been getting up to - and boy did I have fun.  The setting up the trips to London, et cetera played a massive part and I have had to rethink how I live to avoid putting myself into those situations. Re-routing travel plans is the major one.  But then as well as big days out, I would also avoid a nice eve with friends, or time with a partner to use P.   Surely there must be some way to turn that power to strategise into something positive?!?!

I still make plans but do not stick to them unless I have a mini slip of an eve maybe, once every three months, whilst building up time between uses. Still, that is a slippery slope but at least I am managing to not use now every day. 

The same reasons resonate for me as well.  My self-esteem is rock-bottom at times from being raised by drug-addicts who  have no self-esteem themselves.  Families!  Have you heard the Philip Larkin poem? 

This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.   
    They may not mean to, but they do.   
They fill you with the faults they had
    And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
    By fools in old-style hats and coats,   
Who half the time were soppy-stern
    And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
    It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
    And don’t have any kids yourself.

It is a constant battle but don't you love the ripples of esteem you get from time to time when you know you are doing right by yourself and those around you, and being strong?

Ok, that's it for now - have a nice eve!


workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #90 on: May 11, 2017, 12:18:18 PM »
Hi Workingonit.

Really appreciate your message, and especially the poem, which made me grin  :D.

My experience sounds similar to yours. The whole preoccupation phase of planning my trips was often more exciting and engrossing than the actual acting-out. I sometimes booked business trips that involved no business at all, and lived a lie. But I have turned it around, and, to your point, a lot of it related to increasing my self-esteem. As a result, I've had just one, short but fairly extreme, relapse in four years, and I'm on the way back from there currently.

I used to act like I was self-employed, scrimping every penny, staying in cheap hotels in the 'burbs, travelling at off-peak times and on budget airlines and eating scruffy food. That all fitted with my self-image as a loser and a nobody. So I changed-up my game and started to fly with proper business airlines, got an airport lounge account, stayed at Marriott hotels, arranged to have dinner with friends or colleagues while I was in a city, rather than being a loner. If it made sense to get a taxi, I'd get a cab, rather than schleping on the tube and walking. I didn't gratuitously take the piss. I guess I just acted my age and my level. I avoided staying in places that I knew to be close to red light areas or dodgy clubs, or hotels in which I'd previously acted out. I learned the power that music has to influence my mood, so I always made sure I had headphones and a fully charged phone. If I forgot my headphones, I'd just buy a new pair, because long journeys without music tend to trigger me and the financial cost was inconsequential. I bought magazines to occupy my mind. I always chose hotels that had a gym, and I made sure that I used them. The trips weren't a barrel of laughs, because I typically travel to 2nd-tier cities in developing countries. But I made them manageable and I was able to continue doing a job I enjoy, without acting out. I truly believe that a secondary benefit of getting clean and treating myself with respect has been that my work performance has taken off. You're correct that we were wasting so much energy and creativity in our porn/sex addictions. Once I found the ways to stop wasting myself in porn, and deliberately opened up a load of alternative, positive, avenues for my energy, my life took off.

I can't say that I get any ripples of self esteem. I still feel largely like a twat, mate  :). But life's manageable and safe and predictable.... and I'll take that for now.

Hope this ramble has answered your question. And thanks for getting in touch with a thought-provoking and funny note.

Gabriel1960

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #91 on: May 14, 2017, 11:59:32 AM »
Great job on your progress!  You are truly blessed. 

Keep at it!  It's worth it!

Gabriel

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #92 on: May 15, 2017, 10:35:40 AM »
Monday. Weekend was good in a lot of ways. Some of them pertinent to my recovery. Spent it with family and friends on a mate's dairy farm out on the coast. Humbling to see my friend going about his not-very-well-paid business with a smile on his face and a level of expertise that I know I'll never achieve in my profession. Very rewarding to get up early with my kids and go help him move and feed the herd. Made me think that there's a lot of noise in my life that I could tune-out, you know? So much unnecessary stuff. I should also spend more time outdoors, getting muddy and not worrying about keeping my Nikes white  :) Pleased as well to maintain good strategies for alcohol management when I'm socialising. Really helps to stop me from triggering at the slightest thing the next morning. All in all, a really positive few days and I'm going into the new week on the front foot. Wishing you all the best in your fight.

guyinsideout

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #93 on: May 15, 2017, 02:53:23 PM »
Hello workinprogress, thanks for posting in my feed, much appreciated you took the time read and comment. Your post above about realizing how much P robs us of your creativity really struck me, as that is one of my biggest problems. Being in a creative field, I now realize how much P has robbed me and how I let it. I have thought lately that maybe I just wasn't creative anymore but after finding this community and YBOP I see my situation so differently and feel some hope to take back my brain and build something new and regain creativity and self esteem. You are doing great, sounds like a great weekend. Keep up the good work, you are an inspiration, keep going...

G.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #94 on: May 22, 2017, 07:05:28 AM »
Could be, guyinsideout, that the energy you were dedicating to your P habit was leaving little room for your normal creativity to thrive. I hope that your mojo returns as you stay off the P.

Bitter-sweet feelings here. Now over 4 months P&M-free and I'm grateful to fellow rebooters for helping me stay clean this far. Should be grounds for confidence. But this is a tricky time of the year for me. Wedding anniversary later this week and my wife has reminded me that it was 4 years ago today that she discovered my P habit. Sobering to hear her say that her foundations are still shaken and unsure. Trust is made from very fine glass, isn't it? And once I broke it, there's no glue in the world that could put it back together exactly as it was before. I don't think it would be any easier to be a recovering alcoholic or heroine user or gambler, but i doubt that any other addiction does such immediate and fundamental damage to partner relations as sex addiction does.

But I guess the best thing that I can do for myself, my wife and my marriage is to stay clean, which means focusing on the processes that have kept me clean before. The one thing I really can't afford is to relapse. So I'll wish you all a successful day, and I'll be grateful that I feel strong today, and look forward to still being clean tomorrow.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #95 on: May 25, 2017, 07:39:56 AM »
OK here. I am managing my chimp well and not letting small pressures or anxieties turn into anything bigger. No conscious urges for P lately. I'm niggled by dreams that hang onto scenes from my old acting out and p habits, but I can't control those, so I'll just let them go.

I live near Manchester in the UK, so this week has been quite upsetting. Off into the city tomorrow and I'll pay my respects to the poor people who lost their lives this week. Puts my own challenges into stark perspective and reminds me that I have so much to be grateful for, and nothing to resent.

Wishing you all success today.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #96 on: May 30, 2017, 05:29:08 AM »
Celebrated my 20th wedding anniversary this weekend. "Celebrate" being a genuine description. I felt a long way from acting out behaviours or desires, and I felt very close emotionally to my wife. First time in years that I've felt confident about my future in our relationship together, although even typing that makes me nervous. Life is very full. No desire to go back to P/S addiction, and very little space for it to creep back in either.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #97 on: May 31, 2017, 11:59:23 AM »
first session today with a new Personal Trainer. Looking to amp-up the productivity of my training. Mandarin class cancelled tonight, so I can enjoy a night off with family. I'm convinced that staying positively engaged in real-world stuff is the key to my staying on the straight n narrow.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #98 on: June 07, 2017, 10:35:45 AM »
MO last week for the first time this year, which I'd historically have a total downer about. But it hasn't freaked me out. Maybe I'm kidding myself? But there was no porn and no fantasy driving it, so I feel pretty chilled about it. Came at the end of a fulfilling week with my SO and when I was in Berlin, which I find a very sexy place to be. I'm fighting my sex addiction and porn addiction. I know fantasy is a big part of both for me, so those three are all red-line, no-go, behaviors. M is a grey area that I'm not comfortable with, hence not having done it for about 7 months, but it doesn't break me. That was last Thursday. No cravings or hangover since, so I think my instinct is right about this one. No rush to do it again, though.

Wishing you success in living clean today.

Samarkand Searcher

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #99 on: June 11, 2017, 09:27:16 AM »
Hi WorkinprogressUK

I had a good read of this (and will come back for more!) so much of what you said rings true with me - work travel, self esteem. Even the knee!

Thank You