Author Topic: See them grow up  (Read 21315 times)

Lero

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #250 on: August 16, 2019, 04:38:55 AM »
Good things, man. Anxiety sucks. I have it too.  >:(

bob

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #251 on: August 16, 2019, 06:38:28 PM »
Hang in there. I know that is can be frustrating at times.

Keep thinking of the end goal.

BigMog

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #252 on: August 18, 2019, 09:10:39 AM »
Nice going WiP,
Being away from home for work is always difficult I find, so to get through it with the recovery still ok is an achievement. Enjoy your vacation!

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #253 on: August 26, 2019, 04:02:42 AM »
Back from first holiday. Stayed on my wagon without stress. It was an almost totally analogue trip; no tech and no internet, which helps. Cleared a lot of air with my wife on the trip, too, although it took a big flair-up between us to open up that conversation about feelings and emotions. I wish I was better at getting my feelings out earlier, because once they're out in the open, everything can be resolved. It's bottling things up that creates pressure and resentment.

First day back from vacation is usually a big trigger day for me, but I feel pretty good so far. I'm confident that today is going to be ok.

Free-man

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #254 on: August 26, 2019, 10:23:55 AM »
Go for a walk or practice some exercise or some kind of activity, that will calm your anxiety.
Stay strong!

Iloveicecream

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #255 on: August 27, 2019, 12:18:36 AM »
Your confidence is a good Thing! I want to learn from it!

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #256 on: August 27, 2019, 08:37:44 AM »
Yesterday was OK. In fact, yesterday was fantastic for a first day back at work after a vacation. I should celebrate that... or at least appreciate it. Today has been better in terms of improved focus and less prevarication. Inner Chimp started nudging me towards P a few minutes ago, so I've come here to recognize that for what it is, and to refocus. It's just my chimp manifesting some anxiety about workload and a bit of boredom. There's no need for panic. I'm in control. Time for a coffee break, away from my laptop, and a walk round the garden.   

Iloveicecream

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #257 on: August 27, 2019, 09:34:35 AM »
This is awesome to stay away from temptation!!!! Amazing

Free-man

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #258 on: August 28, 2019, 02:43:04 AM »
Great idea to go out and calm the chimp (dopamine)
You acted great!
cheers!

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #259 on: September 04, 2019, 04:55:08 AM »
Back from second vacation yesterday afternoon and at work today. No sign of the post-holiday blues yet, but I'm tired and lacking focus. On reflection, holiday was very successful in reviving intimacy and emotional connection with my wife. Also helped me to re-calibrate some priorities in relation to friendships and materialism. That comes at a price though, because it was a hedonistic trip, with a lot of stimulations that aren't sustainable. So I need to come down gently, hold on tight to the many good things that came out of the trip, and let go of the things that aren't consistent with healthy, long-term, living. The two priorities;

1. Do not under any circumstances let myself slip today. Shut the PC down and RUN if I trigger
2. Invest wholeheartedly in the renewed intimacy with my wife, because my lack of a connection has been the biggest underlying issue hampering a full recovery

Crack those two. Everything else can coast for a while.

Iloveicecream

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #260 on: September 04, 2019, 06:22:37 AM »
"Back from second vacation yesterday afternoon and at work today. No sign of the post-holiday blues yet, but I'm tired and lacking focus. On reflection, holiday was very successful in reviving intimacy and emotional connection with my wife"  - excellent,Keep up your effort!!!

Maybe one more advise well I am not really perfect at it myself yet, but it is better to formulate positive Goals such as: Today I wanna hang out with as opposed to do not slip under no circumstances....try to Focus more on the Beautiful Things on life:):)

idunno

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #261 on: September 04, 2019, 12:36:54 PM »
Hi WIP, the reinvestment with your wife, I think about that, too. I wonder how porn use might have contributed to a chilling of relations between me and my partner. Like a slow corrosion. It takes effort on our part sometimes, deliberate effort to counteract all the negative effects that porn has had. I know porn has made me more snappy and angry at my wife, made me less attracted to her, and probably other things as well. And those effects came as a result of the choice I made (so many times) to view porn in secret for hours on end, for years. So the least I could do is put some effort back into our intimacy. Otherwise I find I'm whining to myself about how things aren't better between us.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #262 on: September 06, 2019, 07:34:11 AM »
Friday. Clean and grateful for that. I feel in control today.
Was reading some other journals. Jixu's had some really interesting thoughts, covering "preparation and intentionality". They got me thinking about SUD's - those Seemingly Unimportant Decisions, which aren't a direct decision to use P, or slip, but have sometimes put me closer to triggers and risk of relapse. Link below explains, if anybody is interested.

https://www.oxfordclinicalpsych.com/view/10.1093/med:psych/9780199334513.001.0001/med-9780199334513-appendix-25

Staying prepared and being mindful of my intentions... keeping my objective in clear focus... stops me from making risky SUD's. The most successful principle for me to build my recovery on is ....

As long as staying clean is a front of mind priority, i'll stay clean. As soon as staying clean is not a front of mind priority, I'm at risk.

Keeping recovery front of mind takes effort, and sometimes I have limited bandwidth, and sometimes.... especially once I've been on a recovery streak for a long time.... I get complacent. All loops back to making the effort to stay prepared and be clear about my intentions... like jixu said.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #263 on: September 06, 2019, 07:43:23 AM »
Hi WIP, the reinvestment with your wife, I think about that, too. I wonder how porn use might have contributed to a chilling of relations between me and my partner. Like a slow corrosion. It takes effort on our part sometimes, deliberate effort to counteract all the negative effects that porn has had. I know porn has made me more snappy and angry at my wife, made me less attracted to her, and probably other things as well. And those effects came as a result of the choice I made (so many times) to view porn in secret for hours on end, for years. So the least I could do is put some effort back into our intimacy. Otherwise I find I'm whining to myself about how things aren't better between us.

Too true. Throw in "The Coolidge Effect" as well as high-speed internet porn and the fact that I've seriously eroded trust in our relationship by lying... and it's easy to see how intimacy has been "corroded" in my long-term relationship. I'd hoped that coming off porn would quickly revive my libido with my wife, but that wasn't the case. It's taking a long time to turn round that de-sensitization. I hope I'm getting there, though... slowly and tentatively. Hope you get there too!

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #264 on: September 09, 2019, 04:02:00 AM »
Very positive and constructive weekend. Making progress in accepting who I am and being grateful for everything I have. Lots of travel this week. Need to make sure I prepare, so I'm less likely to get triggered by the stress.

cranm329

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #265 on: September 10, 2019, 02:37:24 PM »
Interesting that several of us on here are learning to accept ourselves.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #266 on: September 13, 2019, 11:11:26 AM »
Interesting that several of us on here are learning to accept ourselves.

Learning slowly, Cranm329. Very slowly for me!

End of another week and things are stable. Been travelling all over europe and working 18-hour days most of this week. Things are still mellow, though. Doing a better job of managing my emotions, and not feeling as paranoid or worried about negativity from others. I think I'm about 45 days from last slip. Haven't been counting but it's about that. I'll try to keep a "glass half full" perspective on that and hopefully get through the weekend without upset.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #267 on: September 16, 2019, 05:30:21 AM »
49 days. Seems like yesterday. The problem with having lapsed in my recovery before, even though all the science says that lapses are typical in a long-term recovery plan, is that it really erodes my confidence. My first reboot lasted about three years clean, before I crashed spectacularly. Since then, the spells in recovery have tended to be ever shorter... 9 month.... 6 months... 3 months.... and when the lapses happen, they've tended to be like falling off a cliff, rather than falling off a log. Grasping for a positive, what is this teaching me? Corny old phrase, but it's teaching me that I really do need to take it one day at a time. Just be clean now and stay clean in the next minute... hour... day.

I train hard at the gym. It gives me some self esteem. I use the internet for knowledge on how to train better. Websites i previously used became triggering, because they often had articles on "serious" training techniques that featured pictures of women in training, and they trigger me soooo hard, so I had to stop using those sites and stop kidding myself that I was there for the knowledge. I've been using one for months that doesn't have those sorts of images.... until today. Grrrrr  >:( :-[ FFS why do they have to f'k up a reliable knowledge resource by introducing soft P? It's such a well-trodden path for me.... training research... "oh! an article about training glutes.... which - surprise - surprise includes pictures of girls training their glutes that i (bullshit) wasn't expecting to be there".... which leads me to searching google images for similar "training" motivation.... which (no shit, sherlock) eventually sees me landing on porn sites and disappearing down the rabbit hole.

Hopefully not today. Not this time.
Sorry for unloading my self-indulgent bullshit on anybody coming here for something interesting. I just needed to get this cognitive distortion out of the shadows and into the light, where i can see it for what it is. Fingers crossed. Porn isn't an option.

bob

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #268 on: September 16, 2019, 08:50:12 AM »
Workin,

Oh this scenario is so familiar. It is what begins the slide. We try to tell ourselves otherwise but time and time again it proves us wrong.

...surprise [it] includes pictures of girls training their glutes that i (bullshit) wasn't expecting to be there".... which leads me to searching google images for similar "training" motivation.... which (no shit, sherlock) eventually sees me landing on porn sites and disappearing down the rabbit hole.

Hopefully not today. Not this time.

By the way; 3 years. That is amazing. I am sitting on about 28 days and it seems like its been a long time. While I have made it 90 days +, it always seems like a long time when we start again.

Thank you for your continued insight. Words of wisdom well spoken.

idunno

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #269 on: September 17, 2019, 12:48:28 PM »
Yeah, it's funny about the images you find everywhere. "Sex sells" is a tough reality for people with our problem, because no matter where you look -- people are selling things! For me, I have to learn to just not get too worked up (or more to the point, aroused) by it. That's easier said than done, though. I have commonly been aroused a bit by something, say an image or a person when I'm out, and it swirls in my mind, becoming this storm of arousal that ends only when I'm home alone at my computer and I pour all that energy into a porn session. Sometimes that process would take days -- the lust brewing and amplifying. Then again, I would let it happen, and would even push it along in my mind. For me, that's the key point. Like the idea you posted to me a while back, WIP, about first glance for you, second for the devil -- I think it's an Islamic saying? -- the point being not to engage in, or just to be aware of, that escalation process. Easy to say, again... Anyway, I hope things are going well for you these days.

jixu

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #270 on: September 17, 2019, 02:56:44 PM »
That was a good "unload" as you put it.  An occasional bout or controlled episode of primal scream therapy never hurt anyone!   

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #271 on: September 19, 2019, 11:58:10 AM »
Glad I got it off my chest. Thanks, guys, for the feedback and support. It's the stupidity of knowing that I'm starting to do things that have a mild amount of risk about them, and despite knowing how often i've failed before.... thinking that this time I'll be OK  :o.

Thursday evening. Logging-off. All good. I feel mostly better than I'm used to. Like my grass is fairly green, no less green than anybody else's and no less green than I deserve. Got that "equanimity" kind of mind state, which feels pretty nice. Hope I can hold onto it. Best wishes to you all.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #272 on: September 23, 2019, 05:25:49 AM »
Trying to complete this journey is hard enough, without setting the treadmill on an incline. Weekend was more hectic and stressful than usual, hosting a birthday party, two kids' sleepovers and being involved in organising a sport festival yesterday. Didn't give myself enough down-time to recharge my mental and emotional batteries. Every time I suggest just doing nothing, and relaxing, my nearest and dearest react like I'm some sort of hermit. I need to be assertive about my need for a couple of empty hours in a weekend. This morning I went into the garden to "spend a few minutes getting my brain prepared for the working week". My wife came to tell me a load of the same sport things we'd already discussed ad nauseam over the weekend. Thankfully, she wasn't annoyed when I asked if we could talk about something other than sport, but it blew-out my mindful time.

Upshot is that I've started another working week unprepared and feeling unfulfilled. My chimp's telling me there's no harm in going looking at some P. I really need to have the calming, mindful, inner dialogue before I get to work on a Monday morning, rather than once I get to my desk. Isn't that what the weekend is for? This forum is so helpful to me, as the place where i can read and think and focus on recovery. But I wish I wasn't coming here triggered. I guess it is what it is, though. And by the time I log off RN, I'll be in a better place and on a more even keel. I read somebody on here recently say "every day, re-set your mental counter like it's day-zero... and commit not to use porn". That's what I'm doing now.

Key take-away for myself - I need to structure my time better, so that I can make this a little easier.



Free-man

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #273 on: September 23, 2019, 06:42:05 AM »
It seems that you're having a lot of stress trough the weekends and trough the working days too.
I know when people say `you're an hermit', It's very hard to hear that because it's not your fault, it's just that you're not on the same mood than them.
I know when you say you 'need to recharge my mental and emotional batteries' , there are people that just don't understand that we're not on the same mood as them, that you don't want to make this or that, that you need your own time to think to recharge.
I have social anxiety and when I've been tried to socialise my energy start to down and in a couple of hours I am a zombie that just want to take the bed and sleep.

You're doing very good man.
Stay strong

idunno

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #274 on: September 23, 2019, 01:01:21 PM »
Hi WIP. I came here triggered today, too. But reading the new posts has helped refocus me or calm me down. I can see in your last post where you'd be aggravated a bit, but how nice to be aggravated and annoyed, and over-taxed by social situations, and yet despite all that not be running into porn's embrace. I don't mean to play the "look-on-the-bright-side" part, but you sound there like the kind of "normal" person I've alternately romanticized and found incomprehensible. I can't even count the times I've let such stressors drive me (oh-so-gladly) into a porn session at the first possible opportunity. I've tended to look at "normal" people who could handle aggravation without recourse to hours-long porn sessions as strange animals indeed. For most of my life, it's been inconceivable how such men could exist.