Author Topic: See them grow up  (Read 22947 times)

switched_off_again

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #225 on: June 30, 2019, 04:45:45 PM »
Excellent work! Your determination shines through.
This is my old journal. Just I ever feel the need to read from start to finish.
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=16467.0

BlueSky72

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #226 on: July 02, 2019, 04:03:00 AM »
Yes! Fantastic work WiPUK! Just keep letting the old stock burn away - no new logs on the fire!
Keep it REAL!

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #227 on: July 08, 2019, 04:26:57 AM »
I'm reading "The Marshmallow Test" at the moment - trying to finish it after getting bogged-down last time. Mentioning it because they suggested a tactic to help resist the temptation for small, short-term rewards at the expense of big, long-term rewards. I'm generally OK at resisting small rewards when there's a bigger prize to focus on, but I've had a massive blind spot when it comes to the small reward offered by P. The author suggests "If - Then" plans as a tactic for avoiding cravings and resisting triggers. I've set myself an "If - Then" plan related to P cravings. If I get triggered when at my desk, Then I drop whatever I'm working on and come straight here.... do a bit of reading, study or journalling until my brain settles. Got a little trigger earlier today, so I'm here. Seems pretty simple  :). Hopefully it will work for me.   

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #228 on: July 09, 2019, 04:11:40 AM »
If - Then.... brings me back again. Triggering repeatedly. Pin-prick small triggers kicking-off as soon as I start work. Same as yesterday. Fair to assume that my anxiety is work-related to some extent. What am I anxious about? Below target for the year and under pressure from head office. Perceived risk I'll get fired. Can I recover my target? I have a deal at "verbal yes" that gets me very close. It's not the sweetest deal for either party, so I'm not getting much support getting it closed. But I can get it over the line. So I need to soothe the anxiety. Listening to my chimp isn't helping. Need to manage the little fucker better. So..... off for a little walk in the fresh air. Chimp and I will have a chat. Then hopefully back to work with clarity of purpose.

idunno

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #229 on: July 09, 2019, 02:39:06 PM »
To hell with that little fucker!

My mind's been in all kinds of directions these last few days, so it's helpful to read about your experience with anxiety. Thanks.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #230 on: July 12, 2019, 10:45:00 AM »
To hell with that little fucker!

 ;D ;D Thanks for that! Feeling more stable and less anxious. I was thinking after typing my last update. I'm prone to triggers as soon as I turn on my laptop. I've never accessed P on this laptop, but it's still a very similar neural pathway to the one that lead me to P on a predictable basis for a very long time. So I've tried to start my work day without turning the laptop on, to try to break that chain. I've started with phone calls or making/reviewing written notes for the last couple of days. Maybe nothing, but I haven't been triggered in the same way the last couple of days. Hoping for a good weekend. Just me and the wife away without the kids. Wishing lots of strength to fellow rebooters.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #231 on: July 15, 2019, 03:23:57 AM »
Not sure if it's arrogance or mental laziness or something else, but since I know my triggers pretty well by now, why do I make decisions that send me towards a trigger? I don't think it's a deliberate SUD. Study says that it's because I let my "hot" system, or "chimp" or "automatic brain" make the decisions, and my cool / human / logical brain didn't intervene. Very sociable weekend. Didn't get drunk and I did make plenty of good decisions, but three nights of consistent alcohol have left me tired and lacking focus this morning. Faced with a bunch of fairly stressful and uncomfortable tasks at work, my chimp suggests I zone-out instead. It's an option I'm not going to take. Gonna be mentally and physically healthy today. So if I slip up, I'm made a liar of myself to all of you gents. Not going to happen. Not today.

cranm329

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #232 on: July 15, 2019, 04:05:32 PM »
Not sure if it's arrogance or mental laziness or something else, but since I know my triggers pretty well by now, why do I make decisions that send me towards a trigger? I don't think it's a deliberate SUD. Study says that it's because I let my "hot" system, or "chimp" or "automatic brain" make the decisions, and my cool / human / logical brain didn't intervene. Very sociable weekend. Didn't get drunk and I did make plenty of good decisions, but three nights of consistent alcohol have left me tired and lacking focus this morning. Faced with a bunch of fairly stressful and uncomfortable tasks at work, my chimp suggests I zone-out instead. It's an option I'm not going to take. Gonna be mentally and physically healthy today. So if I slip up, I'm made a liar of myself to all of you gents. Not going to happen. Not today.
Well done with your decisions and determination. Don't know about the "liar" bit but I can empathize. It takes great honesty to admit a slip up.

Lero

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #233 on: July 15, 2019, 04:24:50 PM »
Not sure if it's arrogance or mental laziness or something else, but since I know my triggers pretty well by now, why do I make decisions that send me towards a trigger?

I know how this is, man. I've been dealing with this problem. If you read my journal, you would see that I've said something similar a lot of times: I know what to do but, for some reason, I end up doing exactly what I should avoid. I couldn't understand what was wrong. But you see, even with bandages and medicine, a wound takes time to heal. Don't beat yourself up. One day things will start working. I've heard other guys saying that things finally fell into place for them and this issue went away so this is good news. We know it's not forever. Eventually we will find our way to make it work. I feel like it's starting for me already after 2 months of confusion and frustration. God bless.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #234 on: July 16, 2019, 06:14:43 AM »
Thank you Lero - Cranm329 for giving me a hand. I take the point that it takes honesty to admit a slip-up or relapse. I think I find it easier not to relapse than I would to relapse and admit it. Past experience tells me that I'd disappear up my own arse for a while - at least as long as it took me to realise that things had gotten unacceptable and I came crawling back. Weak of me, and in writing that I'm not making any judgement on guys who slip and come straight back here to 'fess-up. I admire their honesty. I never had a binary relationship with telling the truth  :-[.

I know what to do but, for some reason, I end up doing exactly what I should avoid. I couldn't understand what was wrong.
Thanks for sharing that. For me, this ties-in with "emotional relapse" happening before any physical relapse. I haven't relapsed. I'm not actively thinking about it. But I know that my emotions are in conflict with my current lifestyle. The resolve is not as strong as it was, I'm not as strict with myself in relation to things like looking at pages of vanilla news sources that I know might have a little bit of titillation in them. I know that's risky but I can easily convince myself that it's not a problem. So I go and the triggers start. Slippery slope. I have to waste energy negotiating with my chimp than I do when my emotions align with my intent and actions. I think it's because I still have unresolved issues. Staying clean for 6 months has stopped my life from being a car crash, and I'm grateful for that, but it hasn't resulted in the evolution of a healthy relationship with my wife, and my chimp asks me "just what is the point of this whole exercise"? I need to build a better emotional relationship with myself.

Been studying the trans-theoretical model of change again. Main problem is that most of the descriptions end in relapse, before re-entering the change cycle, which I don't want to read. But in terms of the types of therapeutic intervention most suited to prolonging the Maintenance phase, consensus is that Positive Reinforcement, Social Support Groups, Stimulus Control and Maintaining Self-Efficacy are the most effective. Some of them I'm OK with. Positive Reinforcement I am most definitely not. All stick and no carrot. Going to focus on that and, as Lero says .... try not to beat myself up.

 :-\ didn't relapse yesterday. hopefully i won't relapse today. Grinding it out until something clicks.
« Last Edit: July 16, 2019, 06:20:37 AM by workinprogressUK »

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #235 on: July 24, 2019, 11:04:51 AM »
Fell off my wagon on Monday morning. Grrrrr!  >:(
Back on it since Monday afternoon and fairly philosophical about it.

cranm329

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #236 on: July 24, 2019, 05:18:43 PM »
The heat involved?

switched_off_again

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #237 on: July 24, 2019, 05:36:29 PM »
Ahhhh. I slip vs all that successful rebooting. No contest - get back on it!!
This is my old journal. Just I ever feel the need to read from start to finish.
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=16467.0

jixu

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #238 on: July 24, 2019, 09:20:57 PM »
Exactly right-just get back on it, no need for an in-depth paralysis by analysis type of deal.  We know what we are supposed to do, and realize that there will be set backs along the way.  It is clear: when you have work stress and have a family, and are responsible for people, the going gets quite tough, and we can feel the pressure build.  I used to try stress reduction ploys but they usually came to naught; my method now is just to acknowledge that there will be stress and try to find ways to deal with it.  Easier said then done!

Anyway, thanks for being a good member around here and keep up the good work!   

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #239 on: July 25, 2019, 05:26:05 AM »
Thanks guys. Appreciate your support and feedback. Not making any big decisions or changes for now. Trying to keep everything mellow and predictable for a while. Feeling OK with myself.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #240 on: August 02, 2019, 06:04:48 AM »
Managed to see out the rest of last week ok, but slipped again on Monday morning. Back on it Monday afternoon and made some changes. Some things in my environment were triggering me, so I threw them out. Been OK since then.

cranm329

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #241 on: August 02, 2019, 03:34:54 PM »
Well done, WiPUK. Good idea changing your environment to reduce triggers.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #242 on: August 05, 2019, 06:06:03 AM »
Good news. Navigated this week without any difficulty. Failed on the last two Monday mornings, and have avoided a repeat today. I'll get through OK. Bad news.... I think I have a hernia. Bollocky piss  >:(

hope2reboot

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #243 on: August 05, 2019, 01:21:36 PM »
Hi WIPUK,

been reading some of your posts today. Thanks for sharing as I read a lot of good stuff for encouragement. Couple quotes I really like:


“Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift––that is why it is called the present.”

I too had a very long stint of victory (almost 3 years) but relapsed about 6 months ago. Back on track now for only 8 days. It’s a crazy battle but it’s good to know there are many of us in the battle to learn from and be encouraged by. God bless!


workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #244 on: August 08, 2019, 06:00:50 AM »
Thanks for the support hope2 and cranm. Good to be reminded that I'm not alone, or suffering with any challenges different from everybody else.

Getting through this week OK, although I do feel that I'm building my house on sand, to some extent. I know that my acting out is a "flight" response to some basic stresses and anxieties that I struggle to manage. Sometimes I have the right emotional balance and executive function to cope with those issues without resorting to P. But I haven't resolved them and until I do, I'm going to be at risk of relapse. I know I'm getting stronger with time, and that 3 years clean... 6 months clean... 2 weeks clean are all investments that are building healthy neural pathways and making the P-based pathways weaker. But it's a long haul. One day at a time. One minute at a time, when the shit hits the fan. I've shown a lot of control, planning, resolve, courage and perseverance to get this far and I'm really grateful to be where I am. Just got to stay mindful and focused and not give my Chimp any opportunities to define my actions.
« Last Edit: August 15, 2019, 02:08:08 AM by workinprogressUK »

hope2reboot

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #245 on: August 08, 2019, 09:09:59 PM »
Definitely there is strength in numbers. Just knowing others are dealing with same struggles makes it easier. Don’t feel quite so alone. Hope you find out how to deal with that deeper issue so you’re building that house on a rock. All the best WIPUK!

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #246 on: August 15, 2019, 02:17:03 AM »
Thursday. Still clean. Business travel and glad that I've embedded enough healthy habits for this not to be the white knuckle ride it used to be. Doing a lot of reading to keep my mind occupied with thoughts and concepts that should help me. If I keep my brain full of good stuff, there's less room for unhealthy thoughts. "Rewired" by Richard O'Connor is resonating most. Lots of practical tips on how to stay on my wagon. A lot of it aligns with the general themes in here, but he's a lot tougher on the implications for long-term recovery of small "slips". Each time I "slip", I damage my own self esteem and confidence in my ability to recover long-term. Each time I fight-off the urge is a victory that I need to be better at recognising. At the moment, I need to consciously make healthy decisions and evidence willpower when tempted. Hopefully if i do that often enough, it can become unconscious. I guess like moving from consciously incompetent, to consciously competent, to unconsciously competent. I'm currently consciously incompetent  ;D but making progress.

Lero

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #247 on: August 15, 2019, 02:26:58 AM »
Good job, man.

idunno

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #248 on: August 15, 2019, 12:14:36 PM »
Sorry to read about the slips, WIP. Wishing the best for you looking forward.

workinprogressUK

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Re: See them grow up
« Reply #249 on: August 16, 2019, 03:55:15 AM »
Thanks guys.
Made it back, with recovery intact, from overseas. Suffered anxiety attacks yesterday. I think the travel and airport claustrophobia were factors. Also the timezone. But the biggest factor was that I'm going on holiday tomorrow and have a huge pile of work liabilities to fix before I leave. I don't delegate so well. Don't know if it sounds weird, but I find that the sense of smell has a lot of power to relax me when I have anxiety attacks. So I raided the Tom Ford concession at the airport for a favourite scent :D. Used a "mellow" playlist on my phone. Shut my eyes. Meditated. Found my way. Even committed the heinous crime of having a beer on one of the flights  :P. Got a bunch of work done. It was good to get home, hit the gym and see the family. Much to do. Logging off. Glad to be sober today.