I'm finding it harder to resist cravings for P today than I have at any time since 8th January, so I hope that journalling what's going on is going to help, because I'm all over the place and came very close to falling off my wagon just a few minutes ago. I've read that the stages of a relapse are 1. emotional relapse, 2. mental relapse and 3. physical relapse. My emotions are in a place where relapse feels like the most natural thing to do. I'm anxious to the point of physically trembling. I'm jumpy and very ill at ease. I'm absolutely in the "mental relapse" zone; my chimp is telling me that I could cope with a little bit of P and that it would help me settle. It's telling me that fantasy is fine, as long as I don't M/O. It's reminding me that life had more of a buzz to it when I was using. My human brain knows that's all bullshit and that my chimp just wants a way out of the anxiety. I need to let my Chimp have its tantrum without acting on its suggestions. I need to buy a minute. Journalling this is helping. Breathing exercises are helping. Letting the chimp shout is helping. OK. That's better. I've bought myself the time for my human brain to get back in control. i know that P isn't the answer. I remember how bad things used to be. I know why I'm anxious and I can find other solutions. I have a lot of conflicting work stresses pulling at me. I'm concerned today that my job isn't safe and I'm not in control. I've realised that I'm working from a coffee shop that used to be a P-browsing haunt in the bad old days. I'm going to write a plan for how to manage those conflicting stresses but first of all, I'm going to log-off and leave this triggering location. Alright. I am back in control. Sorry to unload my stress here, but writing it really helped me to stay present and not give-in to the cravings.Be safe and strong today. P is not an option.
Think of your brain like a computer, if the computer can't stop doing a task, then give it another one that bogs down the processor and its memory so that it can only work on the task you want it to work on.Keep fighting, remember no matter how bad the cravings and temptations get they will lessen and go away. Time is on your side, wait it out and win! This reboot is won on the long game, the brain has the short game, but if you play the long game you'll aways win. The more times you beat the brain, the brain will eventually learn its new norm without PMO and the reboot will be complete, and you'll have total victory.
I hope you make it through today, WIP. You'll be laying the ground for even more success in the future. Hoping the best for you.
"Good job being miserable!" And I mean that in friendship, of course. I never thought that being miserable could be an accomplishment, but it really is! Like what I've been going through with my wife at times recently, and what your therapist said -- it's a major thing just to get through a wee spell of misery (much less an intense, long one) without sinking our own boats through porn.
That sounds like some good new stuff, plus it gets you outdoors more, something I'm trying to increase myself. Keep going, it is a daily battle indeed.
Chimps either live in caged enclosures in zoos or are free to live naturally in the savanna. Perhaps shame is the result of our chimps being locked up in the wrong place? I recognise that my inner self (chimp or Id) is sending me primal messages to act out sexually. That part of me wants a lot more sex than I'm getting and without the moral/religious/social constraints. Don't live in shame, it just leads to pain and depression and so more addiction. Be kind to your chimp and let him free in a safari park of healthy fantasy.
But I am not my job and my job is not me. it's just something i do to earn money.
There are things about my situation that I can't change, and I need to accept them and not obsess about them.