Author Topic: One Vision  (Read 3746 times)

uncreatedlight

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Re: One Vision
« Reply #50 on: November 29, 2018, 10:48:27 AM »
Thanks for the encouragement New Verse.

Well I'm now 70 days porn and masturbation free. I have never managed this since I first jerked off!

I feel that I've done a lot of damage to my brain. I still have intermittent PIED and I have a tendency to objectify my girlfriend. I am beginning to realize the extent of the damage porn has had on my relationships and sex.

Yeah, porn distorts your reality of the humanity of others significantly.  I found this started to get easier at 80-90 days.  You are doing great!

camus

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Re: One Vision
« Reply #51 on: July 12, 2019, 04:40:31 AM »
I thought I'd post today as I relapsed a couple of days back. I'm posting more for myself as I need to get down in writing where I'm at at the moment with regards to my recovery. Hopefully some of this will also help others struggling with this insidious and powerful addiction.

Progress Since September 2018
Since last September I have PMO'd twice, this happening a couple of days ago. This is a far cry from where I was a year ago when the longest clean streak I could manage was 4 weeks. Having a girlfriend has helped me with my recovery. I am madly in love with her and using porn feels like betrayal me.

However, this hasn't stopped me on occasions when she's been away for weekends etc. Since last September I have used porn 6 times. On 4 of those times I simply looked. On 1 of those times I looked and edged. On the 6th time (two days ago) I had a full blown relapse and masturbated twice.

What have I Learnt From This?
1.The natural tendency of my addiction is to a full blown PMO session. On the occasions when I have simply looked at porn, it has been a real struggle to tear myself away from it and switch off my computer. I look for hours, usually early into the morning and use energy drinks and cigarettes to spike the dopamine. On the last two times I even used Amyl Nitrate to get a bigger buzz. Yeah, I'm a complete junky when it comes to this online filth.

2. Even looking messes with my ability to get erections and worst of all, it fucks my mind up for several days after. The addiction takes over for a few days (even after just looking) and I become obsessed with using/not using which impacts my ability to be in the moment and get on with my day.

3. Each time my girlfriend has gone away, a few weeks/days beforehand the addictive voice in my head awakens and I start planning to use. Cravings to use increase and porn images start flashing into my mind. This causes extreme conflict within my psyche. One half of me want to stay clean whilst the other half wants to use porn and go all out, like I used to. This dichotomy leaves me feeling quite moody and depressed.

4. I need to totally disregard what my addictive mind is telling me and not feed it once it starts. By feeding it I mean having euphoric recall of times I've used porn in the past and buying into the illusion that it is going to be good.

5. Looking at pictures of sexy girls on Instagram is a pathway to a relapse.

6. I am infinitely happier when I'm not using. I'm productive, my mind is so much sharper, my confidence returns, I look after my health and see a bright future.

7. When I use, the darkness returns and I lose the will to do all the things I need to be doing. I also experience mood swings for several weeks after. The moodiness dissipates when I get a long clean streak.

How Do I Feel Today
I'm left with the feeling that I didn't need to relapse. Why, why why!? I've wasted money, time and my mental and physical health for nothing.

My relapses begin with a thought. It may be a euphoric recall (but porn has always been hell!) or thinking I want to be having sex with loads of women (I have never been a stud/lothario and I am happy in my relationship) or entertaining the idea of a future relapse when I'm not with my girlfriend.

This addiction is subtle and my addictive mind is cunning. I have to be evermore vigilant of the very thoughts in my mind and when I have thoughts to use, focus on my goals instead.

Although they don't give me the quick fix dopamine spike that porn does, in the long term my goals and work towards my life vision, will enable me to finally break my addictive prison and push me to be the best man I can possibly be.

I hope this has helped others on this site. One thing my experiences with this addiction have taught me is that recovery may not be a straight line. There may be relapses along the way. But treat each relapse as a lesson and try and learn from it rather that beat yourself up (or off!) over it.

 

jjacks

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Re: One Vision
« Reply #52 on: July 12, 2019, 05:00:08 AM »
Numbers 1, 2, 3 and 5 are PMO triggers. The trick is to eliminate them to your best ability.

1, 2, and 5 are easiest, if it is just a question of deleting login passwords or putting blockers on your computer. Another thing you can do is move your computer to an open area where there are others or beside a streetside window to get rid of the privacy of your computer time.

Number 3 is so familiar and eloquently echoes my own experience, where being alone is a trigger. I decided to plan other things for my wife's away time - call up old friends, try a new gym, anything to find a different kind of satisfaction while alone. Keep my head full of alternate plans. I wish I could say it was easy. That half of me that looked forward to the minute that the door was closed and her footsteps disappeared down the path was a strong enemy.

Keep fighting and keep writing and keep that count up.

-jj (990  days no PMO and still counting)


camus

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Re: One Vision
« Reply #53 on: July 16, 2019, 01:37:01 PM »
I'm feeling moody as hell today. Everyone is annoying me, but perhaps the person I'm most annoyed at is myself, for relapsing.

I know that I should learn and move on but I can't help it today. I didn't need to relapse. I lost time, £70, my peace of mind and gained absolutely nothing other than misery.

Scary thing is, last night I was planning another relapse!

I guess from now on in, whatever I do in my life, I am either moving towards my Vision and goals or I'm moving towards a life hopelessly addicted to porn.

camus

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Re: One Vision
« Reply #54 on: July 17, 2019, 04:23:42 AM »
The root of my problem centres in my mind and the thoughts which I feed. If I feed porn thoughts I will use porn.

There can be no lurking notion that I will ever use porn again. If I start entertaining future relapses, I will relapse in the future.

There is only one path to travel now, the other has been cut off.

cranm329

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Re: One Vision
« Reply #55 on: July 17, 2019, 02:44:30 PM »
Good clear way of seeing things. Very encouraging, thanks.

camus

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Re: One Vision
« Reply #56 on: August 25, 2019, 05:39:16 PM »
I have normalised my addiction again after relapsing about 6 weeks ago. Prior to then I had managed 2 long clean streaks (90 + days) since September last year.

Once I relapse once, it is difficult to get back on the path.

The only time I am relapsing is when my girlfriend is away. Although I am in a better position with this addiction than I was last year, it's not good enough.

My addictive mind will tell me all sorts of crap about why relapsing will be A GOOD IDEA! It will say things like 'go on have one last binge', 'you need to feel the high one more time'. 'just have a small relapse, you deserve it as you're doing so well'.

All of this is BULLSHIT and it my addiction, NOT MY RATIONAL SELF.

I keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. This is insanity. My addiction is insanity. There is only one word my addiction understands and that is MORE. More porn, more wanking, more amyl nitrate, more energy drinks, more cigarettes. Hell, when I was planning for this last relapse, I was even considering taking legal highs also. I'm a recovering alcoholic and my porn addiction WILL eventually lead me to drinking again.

In a few weeks time my girlfriend is away for several days.

What is my choice going to be? Indulge in an all consuming porn bender, or battle through the feelings.

For me not using when there is a chance to use (ie girlfriend away) feels uncomfortable.

Feeling uncomfortable and not using is the bridge I need to cross to get to the life I want to be leading. Only I can walk it.
« Last Edit: August 25, 2019, 05:41:56 PM by camus »

camus

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Re: One Vision
« Reply #57 on: August 25, 2019, 05:51:10 PM »
The Beast speaks as if it were me. Any consideration of future using and any euphoric recall is the addiction and NOT me. If I allow these thoughts to take hold, I am slowly but surely giving my power to The Beast. And left unchecked, I will relapse.




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Re: One Vision
« Reply #58 on: August 25, 2019, 05:54:03 PM »
I know, man. I feel you. The addiction is good at convincing us. It tells me to watch my favorite videos one last time. But you know, I've been observing my P behavior. P is like my "painkiller", you know what I'm saying? I had the hardest urges on days when I experienced the most discomfort (like hard anxiety). It is my way to "soothe myself" when the day is hard. Not using it feels weird and sometimes it drives me crazy. I'm like: "Fuck all this abstinence shit, I can't take it anymore, I want my escape from reality." You see, after years of "running away from reality", this is new territory. A territory were I need to deal with my problems without P and right now it's hard. I need some time to get used to it and learn things. Hence, I couldn't take it anymore and I've masturbated without P 3 times. I just couldn't deal with the fact that I really had nothing for comfort. Fuck. Sometimes I can't believe what I got myself into. The funny thing is that I didn't know.

Iloveicecream

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Re: One Vision
« Reply #59 on: August 26, 2019, 03:52:28 AM »
You said something totally true: 5. Looking at pictures of sexy girls on Instagram is a pathway to a relapse.

Best is to just stay away from anything that can entice us to go back to pmo.....but easier said than done...

stay strong.

camus

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Re: One Vision
« Reply #60 on: August 28, 2019, 03:55:19 PM »
Thanks for your support guys.

I managed to get a long streak (3 month approx April - July) earlier this year before relapsing. Since this relapse it has been difficult to get back on track. What I do know is that my life is so much better when I'm clean - calmer, happier, healthier etc etc. To be honest, I can't see any advantage to using porn. It is a waste of life.

During the past 2 months, the obsession to use/not use has been overwhelming at times. What I have learnt is that at some point prior to relapse, I internally give up trying to fight thoughts of using, and instead start planning a relapse (for example when I get a free weekend alone).

This addiction is. for me, the battleground of a spiritual war. Not in a sense that porn is a sin or I am bad in any way. For me spirituality is that which is not of the mind. That place where I am fully in the present moment is a position of strength from which I can beat this addiction, because being present means I am not caught up in my mind's thoughts and therefore not vulnerable to my addictive thought process.

I have consciously chosen to be present in the midst of bad cravings and the cravings subside. Trouble is, I then allow my mind to go back to porn thoughts, which can give me enough of a spike in dopamine, to set of a severe bout of cravings.

In some ways, my addiction is a gift. It is teaching me the value of having a disciplined mind.

camus

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Re: One Vision
« Reply #61 on: August 30, 2019, 03:43:30 AM »
Maybe I need to question myself; 'why is it so hard to not do it?'

When I ask myself that question I am pointed in the direction of my thinking. My thinking leads me to using.

Who is is control of my thinking. Well me of course. I may not be able to control the first thought, but I can control the others...if I want to.

The wrong thinking leads to using.

Iloveicecream

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Re: One Vision
« Reply #62 on: August 30, 2019, 04:11:15 AM »
Camus,

you said there are no Advantages to using porn. But actually there are. We do not Need to spend Energy thinking About romance, courtship etc......so we should not say we hate porn....hate and love are Always very close......the best is to not care About porn anymore and instead realize for our nice life we Need to get our asses up and get shit done instead of wanking in front of a pc.....easier said than done obviously....but the fact that you have been here so Long is really excellent and three months without pmo is perfect...you should be proud of yourself...WELL DONE MAN

Lero

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Re: One Vision
« Reply #63 on: August 30, 2019, 04:20:27 AM »
We might not be able to control thinking about porn or seeing porn flashbacks and images, but we sure have control over whether to start searching for porn or not. One thing I've learned in those 40 days without porn: Contrary to what our addiction tells us (sure, because it's got a reason to) we don't have to act out. It usually goes like: Urges? Search for porn. Do you feel lonely? Search for porn. Are you stressed out, tired, anxious, depressed etc.? Search for porn. Did a girl reject you? Search for porn. But actually, we don't need to search for porn in any of those cases. It's called "life". People are supposed to deal with their lives not try to medicate it with porn (that doesn't medicate shit, it promises "soothing" and leaves misery behind). We are addicts and porn pops up in our mind on its own, we can't do shit about this but we can do one thing after that : Not search for porn. For 40 days I've been bothered by images of porn stored in my memory but I haven't searched for porn deliberately. Sometimes it feels like shit. It's brutal to do this. The addiction reacts violently to your decision to starve it but this means that you're doing the right thing. This is how it's supposed to be. Starve the fucking addiction until it dies.

Iloveicecream

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Re: One Vision
« Reply #64 on: August 30, 2019, 04:49:08 AM »
Lero,

I really like your words. Starve the addiction. Yes we can think About porn but we do not Need to act on it....nobody is forcing us....porn is the easy way out to solve Problems and thereby fuck up our lives...

Lero

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Re: One Vision
« Reply #65 on: August 30, 2019, 04:51:40 AM »
Lero,

I really like your words. Starve the addiction. Yes we can think About porn but we do not Need to act on it....nobody is forcing us....porn is the easy way out to solve Problems and thereby fuck up our lives...

That's right. It's not like someone puts the gun to your head and asks you to watch porn. You have the last word. If you say "No" then "No" will be. Porn is not an easy way out, it only looks like it (because the brain knows how to make it feel like this). The things that we try to medicate with porn are still there. Porn doesn't cure them. Porn actually adds a problem to our problems already.

camus

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Re: One Vision
« Reply #66 on: September 29, 2019, 02:47:30 AM »
TO MY FUTURE SELF WHO IS THINKING OF USING PORN:

I am a porn addict and will always remain so unless I stop entertaining the idea of using porn NOW and focus my mind on making my dreams a reality. After reading this, switch off the computer, get out the flat, go to the gym, read, meditate, do something, anything, but don't let the addiction win. It has taken enough of my life already and will continue to do so. It will destroy me and only I have the power to change.

I may say to myself, one last time. Think back to the literally 100s of times I have said 'one last binge'. This isn't me talking, it is the addiction. It will always want me back and will throw up any flimsy excuse for indulging again.

I may say to myself, just have a few hours looking, go on, I deserve it. This is also the addiction talking. The reality is I binge over a the period of around a day, waste money, time and destroy my mind, soul and body. The reality is I'm an addict and once I look, I'm hooked. It won't let me go. I won't eat properly, I will cancel my plans for the day, I will put my phone on silent, I will shut out the world as much as I can. The reality is I won't sleep that night and will lie awake all night and most probably PMO the next morning as I will be too depressed and be thinking what's the fucking point anyway. By the way, this is also my addiction talking.

If the above doesn't prevent me from using, then use porn. But do so in the knowledge that after spending hours looking for something that will never truly satisfy, I will cum. I will then feel disgusted with myself and immediately regret what I have done. That is the reality of the situation. I am guaranteed to feel shit about myself afterwards. And then for the next 2-4 weeks, I will be going through a mental roller coaster of mood swings which will affect the way I interact with my girlfriend and colleagues.

So the choice of whether or not to use is mine. I control my mind. I will either be a porn addict for the rest of my life or live the life of my dreams.

What is it to be?