Author Topic: It's not just about being supportive... it's about healing your own wounds as we  (Read 2170 times)

TelekineticOwl

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 38
    • View Profile
Hi, ladies

I know a chunk of you are here mainly because of a boyfriend or husband so I wanted to recommend this great book in helping you.

I don't mean in helping them. I mean helping YOU.

Codependency is a common phenomenom amongst anyone affected by addicts who place their loved ones in "caretaker" roles and as such, deserves it's own space in order to heal the wounds.

It's a confusing definition, but it essentially means a person who has let another person's behahvior affect him or her, and who is almost obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.

You know what that might look: spending afternoon after afternoon skimming and blocking sites, not sleeping at night until you get that good night text confirming you "did" your job, being turned into a passive aggressive "bad guy", and so on...

So, I'm recommending this book who was written NOT by a psychologist or a scientist, but a person like you and I who's gone through this as well.

This book is cathartic for me as I'm currently reading this to help heal the wounds from my mother's alcaholism... now I recommend this book to you all.

It's called Codependent No More. It's loving and nonjudgmental.

https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1483464574&sr=8-1&keywords=codependent+no+more+by+melody+beattie

Remember, taking care of yourself is just as crucial as helping your loved one.

I'm JUST learning this and I'm hoping someone can benefit from this.
"Losers have goals and winners have systems." - Scott Adams, a slightly out of touch old guy with a lot of heart

TelekineticOwl

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 38
    • View Profile
Thank you. Co-dependency I have looked into a little and one trouble with it is that the symptoms of trauma overlap very much with the symptoms of co-dependency. It seems with porn and sex addiction that because of it's secret nature co-dependency can develop after discovery of the addiction but is not present before hand, such as with gambling, alcohol and drug addiction which can't go on in secret.

That's a very interesting and unique observation. You are 100% in that porn addiction is very unique in that regard any anyone that discovers it can't help, but feel at a loss for words.

However, there are cases (like myself) where people people pick up on dysfunctional behaviors BEFORE they even know there's anything wrong. Like, in dating... I just can't help, but pick up girls that need "saving" and it is a huge problem.

It's a very unique condition and I highly recommend it. There should also be Codependents Anonymous in most areas (CoDA) if maybe anyone wants to talk to real people!
"Losers have goals and winners have systems." - Scott Adams, a slightly out of touch old guy with a lot of heart

TelekineticOwl

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 38
    • View Profile
Most of what I have read on it is from Paula Hall who is an expert in sex addiction. One thing she has said is that partners being slapped with the co-dependency label is unhelpful and even harmful to the recovery of partners as what they are experiencing is a trauma and should be treated as such, she then goes on to supply advice for not falling into co-dependency once the addiction does come to light as that can be an issue. Obviously some people will have co-dependency issues well before they find out there partner is an addict and she talks about other unconscious collusions that people get into as well which I found very interesting. Hubby and me seem to be in a parent/child one.

The author of this book doesn't make a claim on weather it's an illness or not, but she does say unhelpful labeling is very much detrimental to your health. Still, it's like when some experts say you shouldn't label sex addiction an addiction because it makes it harmful tot he person and that much harder to quit... it's more of a personal prefereance, but I like to think you should call shit as it is.

As for your current battle, it's good you've done your own reading it. It's always distressing when I meet people who swear they'll do anything to get better, but think books are scams. I hope you make plenty of time for yourself! Ultimately, it doesn't matter what came first as long as you make the time to heal. It's great to help your husband, but you need time for yourself as well!
"Losers have goals and winners have systems." - Scott Adams, a slightly out of touch old guy with a lot of heart

mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
i have not read that book, but i read other books about the subject codependency, (The right to innocence  -Beverly Engel, Hippo in the living room - tommy hellsten)and some therapist said that 97% of the sex addicted suffers from codependency from their childhood. In other words, the real battle is not against PMO, but rather on healing those inner childhood wounds from being raised up in a dysfunctional family. it makes the whole battle going from "fighting" the PMO to instead discover who you really are, and the PMO (or what addiction you might have) goes away automatically...

« Last Edit: January 06, 2017, 10:41:53 PM by mobilfreak »

TelekineticOwl

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 38
    • View Profile
i have not read that book, but i read other books about the subject codependency, (The right to innocence  -Beverly Engel, Hippo in the living room - tommy hellsten)and some therapist said that 97% of the sex addicted suffers from codependency from their childhood. In other words, the real battle is not against PMO, but rather on healing those inner childhood wounds from being raised up in a dysfunctional family. it makes the whole battle going from "fighting" the PMO to instead discover who you really are, and the PMO (or what addiction you might have) goes away automatically...

A therapist said that to me as well at some point. I don't know how valid that argument is, but I do agree that if you do suffer from SOME level of codependency, then it's worth exploring. :)
 
"Losers have goals and winners have systems." - Scott Adams, a slightly out of touch old guy with a lot of heart