Author Topic: Jay's log  (Read 3102 times)

jayjay

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Jay's log
« on: December 22, 2016, 01:28:33 PM »
Hi and hello,

currently at day 75 of 90 day hard mode. I'm enrolled and posting @nofapacademy.com , but I will be moving here gradually as I'm only signed up for 90 days, and won't renew the subscription when I get there.

Closing in on day 90 means more and more focus on rewiring for me and my wife. I will get back soon with a post giving some background and info on the current status.
No pain, no gain

jayjay

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Intro
« Reply #1 on: December 25, 2016, 01:22:49 PM »

So, quick background:

- PMO from very early on
- have struggled with quitting since late teens, as I never found PMO to be in line with me being a Christian
- started suffering from PIED, loss of libido and performance anxiety (due to the PIED and the decreasing libido) a few years ago
- came across TED video and YBOP a year or so ago
- tried to quit by just quitting, same result as before, would relapse once a week on average
- signed up for nofapacademy 90 days, and I am currently at day 78, no relapses

The first sign something was off was that I started losing wood in the middle of the act, right out of nowhere. Then I started having ED issues and libido issues also when doing PMO. I started to feel more and more desensitised, both physically and emotionally (not getting turned on, or quickly losing interest). Also, in cases where I got partially interested in my mind, there would still be no response down there. This kept on getting worse as time went by. At the end of all that, before I got into the 90 day program, I was at a point where I would most often not be able to MO, sometimes not even M. I never turned to extreme stuff or so, but rather found myself unhappy and more and more asexual.

Btw, I have been checked by an MD/urologist, incl check of my testosterone levels. Nothing physically wrong with me, his assessment was that this is a psychological thing / performance anxiety related, a view that I partially share. He did not mention the possibility of PIED, neither did I, as I figured that wouldn’t be within his normal lines of thought anyway.

My wife has never been stuck on porn, but a bit on reading erotic stuff and fapping as well. A week into the course it was time for me to talk with my wife about the PMO etc. We had a very good talk, and she both supported me AND decided that she should do nofap for the remaining part of the 90 days as well, as she had her issues too. We also decided on hard mode, first with an opening for opting out on hard mode, and then halfway (after having sex once, although not intercourse) we decided to really go for hard mode for the remaining 45 or so days. And here we are.

The process was rather typical I guess. At first urges, and worries about not making it. And then gradually coming into the zone, and just doing what I should, and not the least - not doing what I shouldn’t. After a while I started getting night and morning wood, sometimes spectacular ones. Last time I had serious morning wood a week or so ago, it would point upwards for more than an hour, until I started reading something boring and it finally gave up :) I also have had some dreams at night about sex, which I haven’t had since being in my late teens, or maybe early twenties.

I’ve spent a lot of time looking around for input on rewiring with a spouse, and found lots of good stuff here on the forum. Not so worried as I was initially about the rewiring with wifey. We’ve spent some time just doing stuff, as well as cuddling (which, to be true, requires some discipline in order to not have it turning into sex). As things stand right now, we are rather keen on getting on with it and having sex, but we have decided to wait until we pass the 90 day mark, there’s no rush, really.

So next phase then, obviously, will be starting to have sex again. The way I picture it now is having sex without the pressure (worries about not dropping the wood, getting to O, etc), enjoying the here and now, and just let things evolve. The worries I mentioned used to have me reviving memories of porn and so on, in order to stay hard etc. So basically, we are about to rediscover how to have good old fashioned sex. Looking forward to it, and will share here as time goes by. One main challenge remains unchanged - the one of actually getting the time and place to do this, both due to our work schedules, as well as having teenagers at home who seem to never sleep. :)

Looking forward to input from you fellows here in the forum, especially on rewiring with SO.
No pain, no gain

jayjay

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2017, 04:48:33 AM »
Reached Day 90 just the other day.

Me and my wife celebrated by having some time for ourselves, staying at a nice hotel, and going for a dinner at a favourite restaurant.

That night, we made love for the first time in quite some time. And for the first time in a long time I was able to go all the way, although I was not rock hard. However, the real high of it all was the intimacy. Being there and then, our thoughts not drifting off to bad things such as porn fantasies etc, not focusing on reaching O or providing O, etc. It was fantastic. We felt so happy afterwards, and even the morning after when we woke up, we both had that happy feeling in our stomachs.

So, after 90 days:

- better erection, and less desensitised
- a new intimacy that we have never grasped before

In this is just the beginning.

There were also other benefits with doing the course and 90 day hard mode.

From here, we are looking to go forward with the rewiring, on every level. And needless to say, of course we are not going back to old habits such as PMO. Never again.

Will post back here later on to let you know how things are faring.
No pain, no gain

jayjay

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2017, 05:45:56 AM »
Yesterday we had another go, our second after our 90 day reboot hard mode.

This is getting better and better.

Eventhough I was using a condom this time, it felt crazy good down there, such difference as compared to before when I was so desensitised, and also better than a few days ago. Also, my wife had the same experience. It seems her reboot and rewiring means she is getting less desensitised as well. Also, I was harder this time. Just as we started my erection was so-so, but I got harder as we got going. My wife's comment when I finally pulled out was "Wow, that was something else!"

I'm still coming rather quickly, we have agreed to not put pressure on ourselves in those terms, and we are early in the rewiring process. We think that we will be able to work that part out as well, together, and in a no-pressure fashion.

I'm wearing a silly smile on my face today. This is absolutely fantastic.
« Last Edit: January 10, 2017, 10:11:30 AM by jayjay »
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jayjay

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2017, 03:56:36 PM »
This weekend we were off on a trip, and had another opportunity. Everything went well, wood was very good, as was sensitivity. We both enjoy the new closeness as well, being there and then, not fantasising or putting pressure on ourselves.

I would like to last longer than I currently do, but at this stage I'm not ready to go into that, as I worry that this would take me off the rewiring and put me in pressure mode. But in terms of PIED and delayed orgasm, this is a good sign, and from that perspective I'm quite happy about it for now.

Three weeks since last time, no P/M/O during that time. Today is day 115.

It's great to be alive, to be free from PMO, and to be rewiring.

I realised this weekend that I start to consider myself cured from PIED. During the 3 weeks since last time, I worried slightly at times about not having wood every now and then. Funny thing is, that when I need it, it shows up. Which is actually very much to the point - why should I walk around with a boner 24/7? Pointless. I've read several accounts by others who have been through this process already, that have the same experience - wood shows up when it counts, otherwise mostly not.

I don't know if I'll be posting here for a while. I will write if something significant happens. Otherwise, I look forward to report back when some time has passed, and give you an update of how things are faring.
No pain, no gain

gymaddict

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2017, 05:10:43 PM »
Jay

You are posting in the forty and over category.  Most men forty and over report just what you posted.  Wood is available when we need it as men over 40------- but spontaneous erections are the exception and not the rule, unless you have really high testosterone and a high libido.

I noted the same thing in my forties as you have posted and I was not on porn, nor did I every experience PIED then or now.  At this point I am pushing 70 and desiring to hang on to as much of my sexuality as I can as a very senior man. 

So welcome to the aging club of men.  Relax and enjoy your recovery, restoration and rewiring.  You are in for the best sex of your life in your forties. 

jayjay

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #6 on: February 01, 2017, 03:48:22 PM »
Cheers gymaddict, thanks for sharing, bless :)

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jayjay

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2017, 10:57:52 AM »
And here I am, at day 200! :)

February-April has been rather stressful, so me and wifey have not been able to make it as many times as we would have liked to, but in large parts once a week. Erection has been working every time.

Still low libido much of the time. Sometimes so much that it makes me wonder if I will have an erection next time. And when it's time, it's working, so I don't know why I still feel doubts at times. It's a bit difficult to know what is what too. What parts are a consequence of my former PMO addiction, what parts are more due to the fact that I'm not 17 years old, and haven't been for quite some time now? :)

Anyways, just checking in. It feels great to have reached 200 days. I haven't been close to anything like this since way back, since I was very young indeed.
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jjacks

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #8 on: April 26, 2017, 11:59:36 AM »
Sound pretty normal to me. Since starting my reboot (183 days no PMO) I have noticed that my manhood is pretty limp and lifeless almost all the the time except when having sex and the rediscovered morning wood. Isn't that the way it is supposed to be? We have been so conditioned to be perpetually erect that we must have forgotten what real manhood is about.

sound mind

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #9 on: April 26, 2017, 02:02:36 PM »
Thankyou jay awesome so good 

jayjay

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #10 on: May 02, 2017, 04:44:01 PM »
Cheers jjacks & sound mind! :)
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jayjay

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #11 on: May 14, 2017, 05:51:24 AM »
For quite some time before I started my reboot, I had lost libido almost completely. The part with getting turned on and starting to have an erection was almost obliterated, especially if we're talking about being turned on by a mere thought or by noticing an attractive person. One interesting aspect of that was to realise that horniness has several components to it. For instance I could still feel a purely emotional want to become aroused, but neither the feeling of arousal, nor the erection turned up. Like the starting engine of your car turning and turning, but no ignition taking place. The only exception was that I had some heavy urges early on during the reboot, but even then, it was often "half" so to speak, lacking the coupling with real arousal, and no erection (and as I was rebooting I didn't try to help the erection come about either).

Today, I'm at day 218. After the 90 day hard reboot, things turned out to have changed a lot. I could get an erection with my wife, and we could enjoy sex again. However, this has only worked when we get going. It has not been like it used to be a long time ago, when already the anticipation would turn me on and hard. But rather, I have had a strong emotion and will to become aroused, but the actual arousal and erection have not come to pass until we actually get down to it.

Until this last week. Out of nowhere. I woke up a bit early in the morning and weren't able to go back to sleep. I started fantasising about sex, and all of a sudden I was starting to feel arousal, and I was slowly getting an erection. And I wasn't playing with myself. As the days have passed, this thing has occurred on several occasions, and slowly it has become stronger.

I wasn't prepared for this. I've been waiting for it slightly, I've been hoping for it to happen, but I have also dropped the subject with myself so to speak, no use obsessing about it, I'll just give it time and not spend much thought on it, that's the way I've looked at it. And all of a sudden it starts happening, and I'm a bit surprised. A pleasant surprise though. I don't know why this is happening now, I can see no explanation when I look into my general circumstances etc.

It's great to see this next phase start taking place. It's great to be back, or at least to be clearly on my way. The only downside (not sure I want to call it that, but still) is a renewal of more or less untimely urges for sex. I can live with that. :) And with the 218 days down and counting, I am confident that I will stay on the right path.
No pain, no gain

olafthewise

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #12 on: May 18, 2017, 01:27:32 PM »
Jayjay,

well done. Part of the fear of rebooting is the fear of never being able to live without porn. Then, all of a sudden you notice other things that stimulate your brain such as nature, wind, cold and warm, good food-bad food, ugly but good natured people you want to hang around with, that you actually really prefer your wife instead of porn girls...etc. Living life where you find many moments where you simply don't think of porn is such a weird thing.

 
On the teenager thing; have set hours during the week when you require the house be "shut down." like 11pm, Sun-Thurs. 12 midnight bedtime on church nights. These kids are nocturnal and then become "dead men to wake in the morning." Enforce with warnings to shut down Wi-Fi if rules are not followed. (learn and maintain key passwords to Wi-Fi) Make policy of "closed kitchen" in order to keep teens from late (2AM) snacks. use music or movie in your room to filter out any "romantic sounds" either of you may make. Remember the words of Steve Farrar; "the enemy wants to divide your marriage and your kids from you."

jayjay

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #13 on: August 08, 2017, 10:35:12 AM »
Checking in, last week meant day 300, in a couple of months it will be 1 year since I set off on this journey.

Things have been going well since my last post. No great progress, but nothing getting worse either. I've had periods with sex every day, and periods with a couple of weeks in between, mostly due to practicalities. At one particular time we had sex just because we had set our minds on it, and it was less than great, but even then functioning all the way. The best times are those when we are in sync, and "it is just time".

I still don't think that I'm 100% through though, the libido side of this is still a bit tricky and vague at times. Will keep on keeping on, and will report back.

All the best to all of you struggling and fighting out there.
No pain, no gain

Jimbodel

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #14 on: August 09, 2017, 07:24:31 PM »
Jay; have you tried horny goat weed?  I tried it and the first bottle I took worked well for me but then then second and third had diminished results.  Might be worth a try, but if you do get a good brand not a cheap one.  They say HGW with tribulus is even better, I tried both, not sure so I would just try HGW if you are going too and maybe maca root.

jayjay

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #15 on: October 08, 2017, 02:30:24 PM »
365 days! Today is my first anniversary :) One year of no fap, no porn. Sex functioning again, erections working, also getting spontaneous long lasting morning wood, not desensitised down there like I used to be, also the arousal part is getting better and better. The arousal part still fickle at times, it doesn't appear as early on as it used to before I started having issues, but things continue to improve in that area as well. Main thing there is that I do get turned on when things start to heat up.

Going through this process has also had positive effects in other parts of my life. Partly indirectly from the aforementioned improvements, but also by showing the way in other areas of my life, where I have been able to work and improve in a similar manner.

Will continue to post here.
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lyon03

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #16 on: October 09, 2017, 12:26:29 AM »
Congratulations on reaching one year my friend. Well done.

Strikeatruepath

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #17 on: October 09, 2017, 03:32:52 AM »
A whole year porn free, and major improvements in your life! Congratulations, and long may it continue. Your story is very heartening to read -thanks for sharing it.

jjacks

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #18 on: October 09, 2017, 04:42:26 AM »
Excellent! All the best to you for year two and for the rest of your life!

jayjay

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #19 on: October 10, 2017, 11:16:27 AM »
lyon03, Strikeatruepath & jjacks - cheers! :)
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lyon03

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #20 on: October 10, 2017, 11:53:08 PM »
My pleasure friend. If you have the time, I'd suggest sharing how you made it to a year both here and in the "successes" forum. Sharing our experience helps members new and old with their our recovery journeys. Be well my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

jayjay

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #21 on: January 09, 2018, 06:15:56 AM »
Short update - New Year's Day was also day 400 on my journey, still going strong with no PMO. What has happened since my last update is that I have got back to the point where I can get hard just by thinking. Last time I had that was, well, quite some time ago!

Having good sex with wifey when we get to it. Last summer was a bit intense (we had a period of very frequent sex), which took me to the point of losing a bit of my libido for a while (almost flatlining), but it got back again after a while.

As for posting in the success section, I think that I still have a little distance to go before I do that. But I am well on may way!

:)
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unchained

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #22 on: January 09, 2018, 01:45:45 PM »
Congratulations on 400+!

Thanks for posting.  Sharing your success gives others hope.

Jimbodel

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Re: Jay's log
« Reply #23 on: January 10, 2018, 04:23:05 PM »
That is awesome, I am looking forward to hitting my year mark, I am not going to relapse this time.