Author Topic: when did manipulation become acceptable?  (Read 970 times)

aquarius25

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when did manipulation become acceptable?
« on: December 15, 2016, 11:46:13 AM »
I was thinking about this yesterday and then this morning in another forum I saw it come up again and I started to notice how manipulation is used so frequently in relationships. Why? When did it become perfectly ok to manipulate your partner? It removes so much from a relationship when this occurs. You rob your partner of real authenticity and openness. You start to create an unreal and frankly fake sense of reality that your partner has no idea they are living in. They are no longer choosing you but this skewed sense of reality that they are living in. They are not in relationship with the real you at all. Yet I see this in relationships all the time. Little things that build up to big things. Women withhold sex so they can get the honey do list done. Men withhold truth about how they really feel. Withholding is manipulating. Its dishonest. It kills relationships. Why do it? If you don't want to have sex then just say you don't. That way at the very least you have integrity if nothing else. If you have an issue with your partner talk about it. How can you work through things and improve and support each other if these things aren't brought up? I am learning how to forgive and rebuild trust with my husband but the dishonesty is by far the bigger and hardest thing to overcome. Why can't we as a society value integrity more? This cultural attitude of lies and dishonesty masked as personal space is ridiculous. If you need to have something for yourself then just say it? People hide behind justifications too much and its sad because they miss out on really living and having real relationships with people. Tragic.
Sorry for the rant, lol. It just really pisses me off.

Emerald Blue

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Re: when did manipulation become acceptable?
« Reply #1 on: December 21, 2016, 11:13:44 AM »
I've never withheld sex as a way of manipulating my husband, although I understand it's quite common. I've never seen sex as something I do "for" him. It's a shared experience (ideally) and if I'm being perfectly truthful it can be a selfish experience at times. I've never understood why some women give sex as a present, buy themselves lingerie as some sort of gift or more accurately as gift wrapping for the sex they are "giving" their partner on his birthday. Or have a brazilian wax as a gift to their partner. To me, that's just crazy. I've never seen sex as a gift or a favor, or something that can be withheld on certain conditions.

I'm sure I've done my share of manipulation too, but I don't like it. It feels wrong. One thing that the PA aftermath has brought about is a renewed commitment to being more open and honest with each other. I also know that my husband finds it easier not to reveal things for fear of my reaction, but I don't think this is the way towards a better relationship. The price of honesty is sometimes hearing something you are uncomfortable with. Unfortunately I've had to accept that he isn't particularly honest a lot of the time. He doesn't disclose much, he has to some extent reverted to omission and not saying things because firstly, he isn't risking a negative reaction and secondly, he doesn't want to be accountable. Thankfully not about porn or anything. I've never stopped him doing anything but since d day I've been concerned about the junk he eats during the day, from a health point of view. Now he's been advised by his doc to watch his blood pressure and the amount of fat in his diet, salt, etc, because now it's starting to show up in the numbers. Unfortunately all the years he was having a "relationship" with lithe young porn stars he didn't actually notice that his waistline was getting bigger. It's not as if the porn industry actually CARES about him. But I do. One of the things that comes to light after porn addiction is the extent self deception, and one of the biggest things he was in denial about was the reality of becoming older. It's really hit him hard.
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it