Author Topic: Hello out there  (Read 2055 times)

Quentin838

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 4
    • View Profile
Hello out there
« on: July 18, 2014, 05:24:33 PM »
This is my first journal entry. The basics: 59 years old, gay, living in Pennsylvania, good job, lots of interests, great group of friends....all of which have been suffering from my addiction to porn. I stumbled across YBOP last Sunday after spending 4 hours "orgasm shopping" as I refer to it when I go trolling for a scene that excites me enough to get off. I have been experiencing PIED for about six months. The New Year was about the time my porn addiction really kicked into high gear. My viewing time per day jumped from an hour or so to setting my alarm very early so I'd have at least two hours of viewing time in the morning. Evenings brought sessions of 4+ hours. I began cancelling plans to stay home and watch porn and last weekend was the lowest point when I had an 8 hour session that left me depressed and terrified I had finally lost control of my life.
My first experience with YBOP frightened me as it made it clear from the experiences of others this was not going to be a simple process. I tossed my DVD collection, unsubscribed from the sites that sent me endless new porn and took the immediate advice of someone from this site to put as much distance between my computer and myself as possible.
So since Sunday I have been "hands off". No libido, but once or twice this week I had to put my head between my knees and breathe deep and long to kill the urge.
I am committed to beat this and grateful for the insights others have shared on this site. Thanks.


survivor

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 82
    • View Profile
Re: Hello out there reply from Survivor
« Reply #1 on: July 18, 2014, 06:44:22 PM »
Hello my friend.

I understand your struggle. I'm 62 years old and have been viewing porn, in one form or another, since I was about ten years old. I was also heavily into prostitution for quite some time, however, in 1996 I acknowledged that I could no longer blame my issues on anyone else but myself and got involved in a 12 step program for sexual addiction. Fortunately, with the help of my friends in the program, I was able to separate myself from prostitution and have been clean for approx. 18 years. But, through all that time I never entirely gave up porn. In 2009 my wife and I moved from the city to a home in the bush located about 7 miles from a town of 200 souls. Suddenly my support networks were gone and I was left pretty much on my own. I thought I could handle this thing on my own, however, numerous attempts to do so always ended in relapse.

Last week, after getting caught once again by my wife, I admitted that what I had learned from my 12 step group also applied here. I needed to share with others of like mind on a regular basis what was happening to me as it was happening to me. So here I am. A grateful member of Reboot Nation. And so far it has worked. Whenever something is going amiss with me I post it on a blog, which for me is a way of exposing my issues to the light rather than letting them fester inside me. Bigger bonus - there is always someone on the other end of the line with suggestions and words of encouragement to help me on my way. The biggest bonus for me is that it reminds me I'm not alone in this thing and can get the support I need any time.

So... keep comin' back, keep sharing your stuff whenever your stuff wants to bite you in the butt and never forget that there other people out there that really do care about how you are making out.


Cheers!

Survivor

tom46017

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 22
    • View Profile
Re: Hello out there
« Reply #2 on: July 18, 2014, 07:49:15 PM »
I am 71 and have been addicted to porn for about 10 years and to serial adultery for 25.  It has destroyed my self esteem.  You can go to my journal and read all of the "junk" that has been going on in my life.

I have been working on porn free since June 25.  You should go to You Tube and search Sean Stewart.  He has a lot of videos that have really helped me. 

I have attached some notes I have taken. 

It would be great to hear from you.  My e-mail is tom46017@comcast.net

Quentin838

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 4
    • View Profile
Re: Hello out there
« Reply #3 on: July 18, 2014, 11:48:16 PM »
Thank you. So here it is 12:30 am and  I just woke up so crazed about getting off, I had to get up and walk around the house, breathing and trying to shake it off ( no pun intended). This is insane. I want to get online and have a marathon night of watching all the new scenes posted to my favorite free sites in the last week. Decided to let off a little steam here and pick up a book instead. This is my first really intense physical craving and wow, having one of these at this time of night is tough.
The breathing helps and I'll try reading for awhile with the tv on. If I see one damn commercial for P90x or Insanity with some ripped guy lifting weights, I'm gonna lose it. LOL.

PMOVictory

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 350
  • Personal Text
    All glory to Elohim
    • View Profile
Re: Hello out there
« Reply #4 on: July 19, 2014, 09:53:27 AM »
Hi There

Good to have you here. Glad that you are committed to this decision of yours.

It is interesting to see how many people of all ages are caught up in this PMO thing. For many years I thought that I'm the only one out there having a struggle with this.
It surely help to realise you are not alone. It is also very good to realise that there are others out there that are struggling. And secondly are giving some good advice. It surely help to journal as much as you can. This helps you to put things in perspective and help you sort things out in your mind. So keep on posting.
Stay strong You can best this devil.


survivor

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 82
    • View Profile
Re: Hello out there - reply to quentin838
« Reply #5 on: July 19, 2014, 03:41:33 PM »
Hang in there buddy. The cravings do pass. And as you go along gradually they will last for a shorter period of time, will come less often and will be less intense. Don't give up.

Wishing you all the best that recovery has to offer,

Survivor

Quentin838

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 4
    • View Profile
Re: Hello out there
« Reply #6 on: July 20, 2014, 05:59:14 PM »
Ok. 7 days in. Not easy, not fun. Weekends are going to be a challenge. Down time is danger time for me. I generally try not schedule things on Sundays as I like to use the day to relax, read and gear up for the week ahead. Today I took three walks around the block (this after taking a crossfit class in the morning). The minute I don't have a task in front of me however, my mind and my hand began wandering. It was probably not the best time to continue to clean out my Inbox of the sites that send me ads and notices, but I wanted to get it over with.  One of the sites was featuring a scene between two men I have always thought were really hot. The minute I saw it, my entire body lurched forward. My heart was pounding very fast. I couldn't hit the unsubscribe button fast enough despite what my brain was screaming for me to do. I was pretty roughed up after that experience and I began to really understand this is a lot more than I imagined. I know the work week will be better.
Thanks to the guys who have replied to my previous posts. I appreciate the insights and today for the first time, I began to fully understand the value of your struggles and successes. I'm with you.
By the way, if anyone is interested in taking me on I am making a request for an accountability partner. Must work weekends......

PMOVictory

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 350
  • Personal Text
    All glory to Elohim
    • View Profile
Re: Hello out there
« Reply #7 on: August 16, 2014, 09:39:41 AM »
Hi Quentin838

Hope you are still hanging in there.
I see the counter is ticking but you are not actively posting?

Stay strong and be Blessed!