Author Topic: It's never too late  (Read 1622 times)

tom46017

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It's never too late
« on: July 17, 2014, 07:44:29 PM »
I am 71 years old . . . feel about 30 . . . look about 55-60.  I have a bachelor's degree, master's degree, and have done post graduate work.  Semi retired . . . work 20 hours per week in a large church accounting and finance department.  Married, two great kids, four grandchildren.  Raised as a Protestant Christian from birth and still active in my church . . . a somewhat conservative denomination even though I am pretty liberal.  If my denomination had excommunication privileges, I would have been gone long ago!

I have been addicted to internet porn for at least 10 years.  Before that, I frequented adult books stores when I was out of town on business.  I started with pretty "normal" porn . . . clean cut male/female couples.  As time went on, even though I did not realize it, I was progressing into more and more of the bazaar. Now it is gang bang, circle jerk, bisexual male/male/female, even on rare occasions, bestiality.

I started having ED about 6 to 8 years ago.  I have gone to urologist to have my testosterone checked . . . it is ok.  I have used samples of all the ED meds.  They help some but never have gotten me rock hard like before ED.  I am on several medications because of sleep disorders and depression.  I have some prostate issues so there is a med for that.  I have some cholesterol problems . . . both good and bad . . . and I am on meds for that.  I have hypothyroidism . . .med for that!  Old age sucks but it is better than the alternative!

I cannot cum unless I watch porn.  Even then cumming does not always happen.  Since I cannot get hard, intercourse is out.  On the rare occasions when my wife and I have sex, I can satisfy her orally.  I like doing that and she likes it but it does not give me a hard on.

I feel ashamed that I watch porn because I know it would disappoint my family and friends if they knew if was getting with porn.  My wife does know.  I have told her.  She feels that is a form of cheating but she stands by me and encourages me to stop and does not "blast" me when she finds out I have relapsed.

I came in to watch porn on June 25.  For some reason, rather than search for some porn, I did a search for porn addiction.  I have no idea why I did that! But . . . what I found was incredible.  One of my favorite sites was on You Tube.  The guy's name is Sean Stewart.  He has a lot of videos and I have watched them all.  I am using a lot of his techniques and the success if unbelievable.  My mind set is beginning to change from thinking about sex every 10 seconds to being happier, feeling more in control, being more positive, being more confident.  All of this in just three weeks.

Yesterday, July 16, I did have some free time at home and my wife was gone.  I was horny and decided I would see if I could jerk off and cum without the porn.  I used several toys including a pump device that my urologist prescribed.  Also a vibrator and dildo.  It all felt great but I could not maintain a hard on and I could not cum.  I resorted to watching 10 minutes of porn and busted very quickly.  Go figure!

Still, I do not think I have this strong desire to start watching porn again.  Watching porn just does not seem so attractive as a way to get aroused.  My sex drive seems to have diminished some and for me that is a good thing since sex is usually on my mine almost every 10 seconds.

I am going to add more later.  Right now I am going to attend a live discussion of step two of the 12 step addiction process with Sean Stewart. 

Later.
« Last Edit: July 18, 2014, 07:05:44 PM by tom46017 »

nevergiveupman

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Re: It's never too late
« Reply #1 on: July 19, 2014, 01:47:46 PM »
Hey Welcome
And you're right--it's never too late!
I commend you for coming on and starting this, and not giving up.
My experience too is that this is not a religious or moral issue, to a large degree-porn is simply too "cunning, baffling and powerful"--once it has its hooks in us no amount of good intentions can really beat it.  And even prayer can be deceptive--I can practice all of my religious devotions, be on a consistent prayer schedule, feeling good, and "wham!!!" the urge comes out of nowhere and I'm gone.
Right now I am working intensely with a 12 Step sponsor who is rigorous about me being ruthless in getting over the deep-seated self-centredness that left me vulnerable to picking up this kind of addiction.  And for that I need someone I am accountable to (him) and a Higher Power I can trust and rely on.
Good luck!

HipbabyJake

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Re: It's never too late
« Reply #2 on: July 22, 2014, 09:46:43 PM »
hi Tom!  I found your journal.  I didn't know you were 71 bro.  I really respect you man.  I am really glad that your wife stands by you.  That is awesome!  I can't wait to get to the library this Saturday and check out those Sean Stewart videos you have talked about.  Im glad we can be friends on here now.  Can't wait to hear from you again.

Oh and to the guy that posted, uhm itsnevertolateman I think his name was.  What you said about how this addiction is cunning and baffling is so true.  It's scary.  I actually was on my knees on night praying and praising God and thanking him for helping me with not acting out on that particular night for the whole day and right after I was done praying I went in to get on facebook and before I knew it I had a porno site up and was getting it in.  CRAZY!  I had no urge or desire.  Its like my brain just took over my fingers typed it in and it was like I was on autodrive.  Weird man.

Anyways, peace ya'll, Im bout to do a journal entry.  itsnevertolateman if you read this please check out my journal.  It is in the 30's section and it is titled !Operation Reboot Jake!

God bless.