Author Topic: Committing to Reboot  (Read 25728 times)

Mikel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 364
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #125 on: February 28, 2017, 10:13:25 AM »
That's the thing with relapsing, the images tend to stick in your mind a bit and they're a struggle to shake off. Easy to get complacent and justify the odd look at pictures saying it's ok. I know, I've been there.

Like you, when I'm not journaling so much is when my general behaviour is questionable. It's like being a naughty schoolboy sneaking off and doing something you shouldn't be doing. Trying to hide it from others but deep down the only person your letting down is yourself.

If you don't have the first look, it will be so so much easier.

jayboy

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 59
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #126 on: February 28, 2017, 03:16:01 PM »
Hello gazz,
Try not to beat yourself up. Reading what some others seem to put on their blog's. A common suggestion seems to be using their frustration with their self as energy to push their self forward. I Hope you don't feel patronised by this. Good luck. Success WILL come with determination.

Firstbigstep

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 322
  • Personal Text
    Rebooting my life, not looking back.
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #127 on: February 28, 2017, 03:33:57 PM »
Gazz, you are spot on! Temptation is the easiest thing to give in to.

I'd suggest working on your reason why. Why not to look at porn, Why to not masturbate, Why you don't want to go back to your old behaviours. Rather than concentrating on the process, I'd work on the reasons.

Good luck with everything you are facing - you know there is support here.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

blackdragonsdg

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 41
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #128 on: February 28, 2017, 10:35:33 PM »
Temptation will always be present and there is nothing that can be done about that. Giving into temptation is not the end of the world and I bet a lot of people around here have done so. I gave into temptation just last night and looked at pictures of a pretty girl on the internet. As others have said you have to shake it off and keep going. Get yourself a filter for your web browser for your PC, tablet, laptop and phone or whatever device you are using and let someone else set the password for it. Whenever the urge strikes you to do something you know you should not find something to take your mind off of it. Meditate, go jogging, lift weights, go visit a friend, take a short drive around town or anything that will allow the urge to pass.

No matter what happens just keep fighting and you will get to where you want to be.

gazz

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 352
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #129 on: March 01, 2017, 04:49:09 AM »
Thanks so much everyone - your words are a real motivator - the perfect balance of love and the kick up the arse I need!

It's been about a day since I indulging in dumb behaviours, so feel like I'm back on the path... maybe more vulnerable than someone with good solid days in the bag. There was a moment of clarity when I got back on the road when I started being strict with myself - don't know if it was getting on the forum and admitting my actions that made them real. previously I was wishy-washy, 'I have to stop doing this, I know it's wrong, but I like to do it anyway. you know this is wrong, it's not a fun hobby, it affects you like a drug, messing with your brain, behaviour, work, relationships and every other element of life...' Then this strict-teacher moment - 'no more chatting with the beast! This stops now! what the hell are you doing! don't even linger on thoughts of P/M/O. weighing how fun PMO is to the consequences is a waste of time. stop screwing yourself over!'

That it's the first of the month will be a good motivator to get some clean days in the bag, at which point I know things start to feel easier

believe

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 158
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #130 on: March 01, 2017, 06:23:45 AM »
Nothing much interests me. I feel uninspired and low. 'Why bother doing that?' 'I don't feel anything.' 'Everything is boring.' This is how life feels after 10 years in a porn trance. I don't feel this way all the time. I don't dwell on the crap feelings, I don't fight them either. I let them pass. I know I can get back my zest for life after rebooting. I generally know what a miracle it is to be alive, and how lucky I am in my life. So I'm looking forward to drowning the dopamine addict with 3 months of sobriety so I can feel grateful to be alive all the time.

I hear you man: but that's what you have to go through. REMEMBER: At the end of this tunnel/journey your real emotions, motivation, the greatest yourself is waiting. Just keep going and never look back, every time you feel kind of empty and demotivated, talk to yourself and say "this is the path to get to the best version of myself".

We are always here to hear your thoughts and we are always here at your back, keep sharing your feelings and not be afraid to find yourself human. We are all humans with all our weaknesses and problems, but for sure our human nature can bring us to a higher level, the one we are all born to achieve and we are also lucky to be born in that side of the world where we don't have to survive but we can just decide to be successful with ourselves, and express the best side of our personality.

I can promise, you will vibrate at the end of the journey, you will feel energetic and yourself and other ppl around you will definitely feel it.

Keep going, never look back

gazz

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 352
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #131 on: March 02, 2017, 05:04:13 PM »
Thanks so much Believe - those are some awesome words!

Clean day in the bag, feeling good and that I’m back on the team. Go team!  :) ;D 8)

I was thinking about my recent wobble(s). A big reason I want to stay clean is PA has completely halted my life (Or is it a convenient thing to do when I don't want to live my life??). When I spend my time PMOing, I have no passions, no motivations, no love in my heart, etc, I don’t want to do anything or see anyone. It saps everything out of me. So I focused and got some weeks clean, and I started feeling loads better, and I had more time, and it was natural to do awesome, productive things in that time. I was being healthier, happier, doing better work and so on.

But then! ...lazy me appeared, even though PA was relatively out of my system – I didn’t feel like working, especially the building of dreams kind of work that no one pays me for.  And PMO was always my place to hide from the real world. So I realise P is partly the cause and also the consequence for all the shit in my life.

In the William thread, he often says – sort out your PMO problem by a long stretch of sobriety, then sort you life out. I feel relatively extricated from compulsive PMO use. Now it’s time to sort my life out. it’s tough being self employed, creating my income every day from nothing instead of working for a paycheque. But I’ve created the life I want cos I never liked having a boss. Early mornings and starting the day well helps – but it’s always a battle with the other ‘morning me’ who doesn’t want to start the day right and would rather have a lie in every day.

There's a version of me who's going to defeat the PMO beast. he's dynamic, hardworking and successful. The laid back dude that my mum always used to call lazy isn't going to be able to succeed; I have to leave him behind. I never thought i'd say this, but mum was right all along!

Airedalehappy

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 18
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #132 on: March 02, 2017, 07:18:19 PM »
Keep your head up mate. There's no denying this is a tough thing to kick and it makes you feel pretty shit sometimes. But you will get through this. The dynamic, successful, hardworking side will win over eventually.

I hear you about the battles in your head between different sides of you, I really do. I used to have horrendous battles in my head between successful hardworking side of me and the lazy, downbeat, PA side of me. The battles do hurt a lot, although The longer I have been without P the more they seem to have gone away. The way I tried to deal with them is to think that on some sort of level my brain is making me feel bad, so that I go seek out the thing that makes me feel good.

There's no denying it hurts but you will get there!

gazz

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 352
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #133 on: March 03, 2017, 02:01:32 PM »
Cheers Airedale!

I do feel great progress and like I've changed a lot. realizing I have to leave the old 'laid back' me behind and have more drive in life is part of that. It's like Tony Litster says on his awesome free no-porn course (http://curethecraving.com/), realizing you have a PMO problem and dealing with it can be a calling card to a better life.

Great day today. I was inspired by the No Fap academy video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7jJ6KSIiIU&index=2&list=PL38uJEf-kRcYmtGrpSeygvD7XhXm7jI3b) about 'the Master Habit', ie getting into the habit of doing the hard/ right thing to do, over the easy/ comfortable thing. He suggested starting a journal and listing every time you do the right thing and every time you do the easy thing. I didn't feel like getting up early this morning, but I thought about the journal I was going to start today, so I got up, exercised, started the day right, did rewarding work, and got shit done, and it feels great, happy chemicals buzzing all over the place. I remain humble - I know there are good days and bad. bring it on!

I'm going away over the weekend, so I know I won't be tempted (which is also progress - being in someone else's house wasn't always a deterrent for me to at least MO), will be good to get a couple of easy days in the bag. So wishing everyone a good weekend. stay clean!

Airedalehappy

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 18
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #134 on: March 03, 2017, 06:49:07 PM »
Good work today gazz, have a good weekend!

gazz

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 352
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #135 on: March 05, 2017, 12:43:31 PM »
Cheers mate!

Weekend went well. Think I'm getting back into the groove of the clean life. When you can think rationally, urges aren't as strong, because you can see clearly the PMO life is watching something sexy followed by feeling AWFUL and destroying reward receptors and all the bad stuff.

Just discovered this thread: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=11997.0, an advice 'hackbook'. I'm sure it will have some illuminating advice. I've enjoyed reading it so far this weekend - as it feels good to always be reading some kind of reboot literature - reinstating what our intentions are every day. Warning - the first 2 chapters feel quite pointless, just stating how AMAZING the book is going to be. But hey, I was stuck on a train so I didn't mind :)

Web100

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 84
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #136 on: March 05, 2017, 02:57:54 PM »
Hey Gazz,

Well done on your rebooting so far.

I've read the book, and found it really useful. I won't make any reference as you've only started but I have to say I really enjoyed reading it.
I'd be interested to hear your view once you've finished it.

gazz

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 352
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #137 on: March 07, 2017, 08:20:38 AM »
Thanks mate!

Please! don't worry about spoiling the ending or anything, i'm happy to hear anything you have to say!  :) now I've got past the long intro, it's great. Stating stuff I'm kind of aware of - yes, P has destroyed my reward receptors - but saying it in a fresh way that it's really hitting home. 

8) Ah, spring is in the air, makes such a difference. Can take a walk when urges hit, and it's actually pleasant; wasn't the case for the last 5 months.


gazz

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 352
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #138 on: March 08, 2017, 04:52:39 AM »
Starting the day right, choosing to do the less comfortable thing... has been setting up a good foundation for clean days.

I might have previously said this but... After a recent relapse, I realised that 'Do Nothingism' is a big enemy of mine that I have to defeat. In the past I've 'enjoyed' living every day like it's Sunday afternoon. When I started this sobriety journey, I battled withdrawals and the different reasons why P urges were strong for me. i thought - P has created everything that is shit in my life - i have low moods, i'm not achieving anything and so on. if i break the P cycle, all my dreams will come true. But giving up P is only the first step on this journey to the clean life (for me anyway). I'm lazy, and i 'suffer' from 'Do Nothingism'. i choose to do the comfortable thing (ie nothing), and then i feel low and depressed. This makes P urges appear, and I'll then indulge in P and that exacerbates the depression.

I'm glad I've singled out my beast. So like the rest of you, I'm vigilant every day to strangle the P Beast within me, but also i have to be vigilant to kill the 'Do Nothingism' beast too!

Also, I've been getting lax recently. I've MO'd a couple of times (which is fine for people who want to do that, but i want to go at least 90 days without, for personal reasons), and I've gone down internet rabbit holes for no other reason than an alluring image has pulled me that way. SO I NEED TO UP MY GAME AS OF TODAY. this is day one of a stricter, more disciplined run. And in 2 weeks, i get to the end of my 90 days finish line. Then i plan to start another 90 day streak - which hopefully won't include any kind of relapse. Because it's all about staying in the game and the progress!

jayboy

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 59
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #139 on: March 08, 2017, 12:09:36 PM »
Well done on pinning down your trigger. I read on YBOP that empty days make temptation harder to resist. That's the main reason that I have been filling my days with loads to do. Keep up the good work.
I too am trying to go the 90 days also for no other reason that to ensure that in the future the only fantasy I have will be natural and from my head..... Not a mirror of what I have seen on a computer screen. Seems a long way away, but I am sure that the reward will be worth the battle..

gazz

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 352
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #140 on: March 09, 2017, 04:14:27 AM »
Cheers mate :) Think things are getting clearer and I'm getting closer to forming into the person I want to be

enjoying the 'hackbook' I mentioned a couple of posts ago. it's taking me a while as reading on my computer is a challenge (obviously guys like us shouldn't be staring at computer screens all evening).Sure, it's covering stuff I know (so far) - how much time in my life have I wasted? how many times did I not really show up or be my authentic self? how much money has it cost me because i'm not doing tasks I should? (goodness - that last one scares me)

But it's all really hitting home. I think identifying that 'do nothingism' is just as much my enemy as P is a big step forward, and i'm ready to hear this stuff. Will try to find an hour today to get in some more reading.

gazz

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 352
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #141 on: March 10, 2017, 05:37:43 AM »
Another clean day in the bag  :)

An early start in the morning, and though I cant exercise much because of an injury, i'm doing a daily yoga sequence which i'm finding quite a challenge - feels good to be doing this daily and having some kind of exercise streak going. Weather brightening in the UK too - actually had a WARM DAY yesterday - felt great.

with a clear head and a heart full of gratitude for the amazing things in life (now that PA isn't screwing up my reward system), the slow but sure progress i'm making in my work and creative endeavours feels so rewarding.

I'm enjoying the advice 'hackbook' http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=11997.0
Last bit I read is about stress. How P makes our comfort bubble so small that every small thing in life can stress us and put us in a panic. so we want to stay in the P world. the trouble with that is the P world isn't really stress free. we know deep inside that P is wrong, we're ashamed of it and would hate for people and loved ones to know about our habit/ addiction. and as we become numb to the P we watched in the past and seek stronger porn - this is a big stress on our hearts too. so we watch more P because we think it relaxes us and helps with the stress!...

I'm really feeling my urges fade as I read these truths.

gazz

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 352
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #142 on: March 12, 2017, 06:32:40 PM »
Had an awesome weekend - full of energy, doing rewarding things and really making things happen for me this year.

I was a teen when my family got cable and I first discovered its delights after midnight. ever since I labelled myself a 'tired guy' and never had any motivation or energy.

10 years ago I discovered P-tubes and my life has been stagnant in so many ways since. I wish I could go back and warn myself of what was happening - all that lost time and destroyed relationships. Well, I have to transmute that regret and turn it into the motivation I need today. who knew something so silly could be so serious??

anhaedra

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 239
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #143 on: March 13, 2017, 05:37:20 AM »
I feel like that exactly. I was moved reading this.

However, sometimes I have doubts. Find it hard to believe quitting porn can improve your life so much, on so many levels. There have been days or moments during my reboot so far that had me feel delighted, special even. But they have been rare. Most of the time it's just same shit, different day.

I'm not the kind of guy that spends his entire weekend doing good stuff. Helping people, being a saint. It's just not who I am. No reboot is ever going to change that.

I dunno, man.
Prying open my third eye.

Firstbigstep

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 322
  • Personal Text
    Rebooting my life, not looking back.
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #144 on: March 13, 2017, 06:24:55 AM »
Hi Gazz,

I can relate to the last post in this thread - anhaedra hits a number of nails on the head for me.

I certainly feel more prepared to look the world in the eye than at any point in my porn usage years. It's a bit like the classic song "Walk tall, walk straight and look the world right in the eye!" Some days I feel like I've defeated the worst challenge I've ever faced, and in many respects I think I have. On those days, I feel ivincible.

Other days, I feel lonely, discouraged, tempted, low, broken. I look back on the trail of devastation my porn habit has left in my wake and I feel like shit. It's hard to then break out of the slump. This weekend has very much been like that. Facing some health issues of my own certainly doesn't help.

Still, I soldier on - I hope I'll find a bit more resolve and drag myself out of this particular rut.

Good luck with your reboot - it's really encouraging to read of your successes.
I'm here to help and be helped, support and be supported.

gazz

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 352
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #145 on: March 13, 2017, 12:05:28 PM »
Cheers guys.

Sorry to hear about your challenges Bigstep, you know if these challenges came up in the past when you were PMOing, they would only be that much more difficult to deal with.

‘Find it hard to believe quitting porn can improve your life so much, on so many levels.’

I don’t know either as I’m hacking away in a forest myself :) I hate it when times are rough. Hell, my last relapse was triggered cos I wanted to escape the annoying symptoms of a cold. But now I’m at least enjoying the good/ easy times – time off work/ sunshine / being with the wife – and I wasn’t achieving that simple aspect of life while in the cycle of addiction.

I don’t know if life will magically improve once you quit PMO; maybe you have to do that yourself-work on improving your life. Thing is I didn’t have the motivation or inclination to do anything about it while I spent my energies PMOing. Now I simply see what I want and work towards it, like most people who don’t act like addicts. But hey, I’ve only been in this game a few months.

The hack book has so many good points – I’d recommend it to all. I’d love to break down a lot of what it says but it was a pain reading it all on a phone, so I didn’t set myself that task. (http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=11997.0)

The main crux of it at the moment is – withdrawals aren’t so bad if we leave ‘feeling deprived’ behind. I have difficult withdrawals when I think of the ‘amazing relaxing energizing buzzing hit’ of PMOing. But PMOing isn’t those things – it directly causes me depression, cos when it’s over I realise I was reaching for something that wasn’t there, and you’re never satisfied, etc. It exhausts me and gives me a painful brainfog... So what are you feeling deprived about? If you’re feeling deprived, then you’re ‘jealous’ of all the guys on the forum who are in the chains of the cycle and who desperately want a way out.



believe

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 158
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #146 on: March 14, 2017, 06:57:41 AM »
Yes gazz, your life magically improves when you quit PMOing.

The only thing is, trust my sentence, until the results will show in front of your face, but you need patience and trust.

I have been there a few times, before screwing up everything again for the nth-times and starting all over again, and being there rebooted and energized feels like being at the top of the mountain. But results won't appear fast, so you need to keep going through rough and sometimes even confusing periods in order to get to free-land or betterlife-land.

Everything will disappear, brainfog and withdrawals will be gone forever, just allow your body and brain to be restored as you have been affecting them for so many time. In this process feel blessed and grateful that our body is so amazing that it even allows us to go back to normality if we give them enough time.

Keep going, never look back!


gazz

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 352
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #147 on: March 15, 2017, 05:35:52 AM »
Thanks Believe.

I should have said all that myself.

Of course! ...Everything is amazing when we’re out of the addiction cycle. For one thing, I don’t act like an addict. I’m not angry at the world because it isn’t like a porno, I’m not irritable with people when I can’t get what I want immediately, I’m not angry at my wife if she doesn’t feel like having sex (and yet I was the one who mostly didn't feel like sex, so how unjust was that?!)

There’s all the sciency stuff – porn changes our brains! We’re flooding it with god knows how much more dopamine than it can handle. We screw up out reward centres so nothing feels rewarding. P numbs me to people and my relationships and saps my energy and motivation

Etc etc etc .................

I’m coming to the end of the hackbook (http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=11997.0), and it has blown my mind. It makes the great point which fits into what I was saying above. P isn’t a pleasure. It is an addiction. Our brains react to it like it does to hard drugs. We think we’re receiving pleasure, but all we’re really getting is relief from the withdrawals from finishing our last session. We’re just trying to get to a place where we’re not feeling that stress. Non PMOers call that ‘normal’.

I urgently recommend the hackbook to everyone. A very clever writer has adapted Allen Carr’s famous ‘how to stop smoking’ method. I can’t give away too much, because reading the book is a process in itself. This humble helpful man has written it all out and put it on this forum for free – I feel like it should be a bestseller. I started reading the original ‘non smoking’ guide last night though I’m a non smoker, just cos I felt so excited and such a change in myself.

harpoon

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 708
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #148 on: March 15, 2017, 07:02:57 PM »
Hi Gazz. Thanks for the advice on the hackbook ;) I like what you said above - "...all we are getting is relief from the withdrawals" so true.


gazz

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 352
    • View Profile
Re: Committing to Reboot
« Reply #149 on: March 20, 2017, 09:38:34 AM »
Cheers mate!  :)

So yesterday was my 90 days milestone. I relapsed for a couple of days around the 2 month mark and decided to get back on the wagon and push to 90 days instead of starting again at 0. I didn’t go down the ‘chaser’ road like I have on previous relapses. the relapse was a horrible experience – a ‘perfect’ last time really. I believe I’ve left PA behind for good. It’s not a ‘bad habit’, it’s a horrible addiction to a drug. I have no reason to go back.

Things are that clear for me now. It’s been a long journey. 3 key moments in the journey for me were:

1. Doing the www.curethecraving.com course –about improving yourself, starting to do things like meditate, have a better diet, practice yoga (perfect at my age where proper exercise usually injures me!), being peaceful and enjoying nature. Now I was ready and equipped to...

2. Join the forum and read the William thread – about the nature of and drowning out this addiction – being on the forum and connecting to a lot of people/ sharing ideas and support is a big part of that. the forum was a good go-to place instead of my favourite P websites. Watched all the nofap academy videos too – lots of good advice.

3. Reading the hackbook (http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=11997.0) based on Allen Carr’s popular quit smoking method – now I accept that I won’t go back, so stop missing the addiction, because doubts/ feeling sorry for myself/ being negative about ‘losing’ PMO (as if it’s a good thing) creates difficult ‘pangs’ (withdrawals or urges).

At the moment I'm just reading Allen Carr literature (some good vids on YouTube too) - because I see so many parallels between porn and cigarettes - both a harmful 'habit' (actually an addiction) that we're consuming against our own will, that our intellect knows we should drop
« Last Edit: March 20, 2017, 09:40:07 AM by gazz »