First relapse

[mobilfreak]

I'm really really happy.

I'm put having fun.

An old friend contacted med today. His girl left him some months ago. He didn't want to talk about it then. But now he opened up. And she cheated on him too. We had almost the same experience. And I could keep it in balance. I did not took the victim role. Noor did him. We felt some connection.

And I keep adding new contacts to my list. And we are friendly and so.

And I matched with a gorgeous girl last day. She didn't have her face at first. We texted and had some connection between us. And moved to another platform and she send me a pic of her after a while. I didn't even ask for it.

It feels like people are drawn to me like a magnet.

I have read about this in others journals. It happens when they keep away from PMO. And stsrt to live their lives. Adding value to life.


I met some fiends for a meeting tonight. Andibhave been reading a book. Start with why.

I have thee questions I try to figure out.
Why, how and what. I want to do with my life.

Why. I want to inspire and help people to grow and achieve their dreams.
How. Care, listen, and lead them
What. Read, get to learn people, connect, develop myself, have fun.

I all made clear when the questions got answered.

I now need to plan and set goals.

This really inspires me!

[mobilfreak]

Day 11 done going for 12


Im at work now. And I'm in tune with my feelings.. I let them be as they are. I ditt push them away.

I try to be mindful. Its like a apple. You hold it in your hand. Smell it. Look at it, trying to figure out what it is and if it's good or bad. Is it tasty. Is it good nutrition? Will it make be feel good or bad when I eat it. And so on.

I use this state and try to find other people who are open enough to talk about it and courageous enough to be in those feelings.

Talking to a girl about this. About how we feel after a breakup and how we feel we need some cuddle. Just to hold someone in the arms.

Asked her if she had any tips on how to deal with it. And her answer was perfect.

Find someone who think alike, and ask straight forward. And be honest. Say. I need a hug can I have one from you.

We talked about it and we felt the same. Don't want to get involved to much in a new relationship, but still want some cuddle.

Reminds me of a book I read about the hunger for touch.
An infant who doesn't get touched will die!

When all this was brought up I felt. Wooow, I want that. I don't want PMO. It's not really love, just some gentle touching. To hold someone in my arms. Without need to take care of or have obligations to do it.

Just share a good moment together.

The girl I talked to had the same thoughts. And all this made my brain spin and run. And I feel some relife.its Okey to have feelings. Those feelings are not wrong.

And I realize again how my mom pushed over her own feelings on me.

Keep it simple. Be nice, be true, and dare to ask for what you need.

I needed to write all this right away so I can focus

C ya

[OrangeSpider]

I like what you said about feeling your feelings compared to holding an apple in your hands as you try to figure it out. I always push away my feelings, specially if they are hurtful.

Thanks for sharing and congrats on 11 days.

[mobilfreak]

11 days, 20 hours, 50 seconds now.

Yesterday I was really tired when I arrived home. Fell asleep 8 pm.

Woke up at 5.30, and had hard time to choose. Run some km or finnish my book? Start with why.

I read the last chapter and got so inspired. And not only that, I found or reminded me of my why again. After reading the book, I remembered that this have been how I have been thinking a long time. But other people have told me and argued it's wrong.

One of the last chapters, I read, it's not the why itself that is hard to find. It's to maintain a clear focus on your why day after day, year after year.

I know my why. I want to help people grow, inspire them, I want my story to motivate others to don't give up on their dreams.

I read, when your why is clear, other will follow. They will feel that you are genuine. And if you only compete for yourself, others will join and feel the energy.

What an amazing book.

And for those who have followed my journey for three years. You can probably see how I reached for this from start, struggled to figure out why I am doing what I am doing. And how I could change my why.

It was not that clear back then, but one thing I had a clear focus on. And that was to quite PMO, not for anyone else, notto be a good guy, not to be the the first, or quickest. I wanted to do it for me, myself, to be better and stronger. For my self. So I could show people, from my acts and progress, it is possible.


When I write this, I remember how I read other journals when I was new here. I saw the progress and I could feel how they were going in the right direction. And I thought. I wanna do that! I want to have that kind of life.

I want to live according to my dreams.

[mobilfreak]

I like what you said about feeling your feelings compared to holding an apple in your hands as you try to figure it out. I always push away my feelings, specially if they are hurtful.

Thanks for sharing and congrats on 11 days.

Thanks mate!

Don't run from the emotional side of life. We have feelings for a reason. They will tell us important things about what we miss or need in our body.

Would you ignore hunger or thirst? Would ignore a stick in you thumb? Would you ignore the pain on your tongue when you burn it because of hot food?

The pain you feel inside is telling you something. Listen to it and do something that sooth it. That is how you love yourself.

If you did hit your thumb when trying to hit a nail, would you hit the thumb again, only becuse you feel worthless?
Or would you jump, scream or hold it in, and be more safe?

Keep up the good work man. We will make it

[Lero]

I like this approach, man.  I'm thinking about it.

[OrangeSpider]

Thanks for the reply.
The hitting your thumb again because it hurts makes ALLOT of sense, hadn't thought about it that way.

I want to live according to my dreams.

This is powerful as well.
Thanks for sharing.

[mobilfreak]

Nice to hear that you like the illustrations.

I'm going for day 14 now.


Didb some things now before bed. And I thought about PMO and realized. I'm not even have any lust. I don't want too.

Feels really good

[zazen]

Day 14 Great achievement! Keep it up. I believe in you.

[mobilfreak]

Day 15 going for 16

So many emotions inside me this weekend. Sadness, anxiety, happiness, emptiness, horny, hurt, alone, Lonley, loved.

I have penned it down on paper. Meditated. And now I try this forum instead.

Right now I have come to the conclusion. I want to eas my chest. I want to open up.
It belive I have fund what I am missing. It's not love. It's mentorship and guidence.

The ability to have someone I can talk to who can guide me and help me with what I am feeling inside.
That's the what I want.

And I have described it before as a close friend. Someone who loves me.

You know, someone who wants to spend time with me even if they do know my history or about my anxiety. Right now.

The good part I do know what I am looking for. But who will be able to give me that?

I understand also, why I feel so sad becuse om my mom and dad. They have never ever been that kind of mentors in my life. Where I can open up and talk about my problems. I know why. Becuse the problems Im dealing with, it from the beginning there problems, and they didn't fix them, so what I am doing, scares them. What they have been running from their lives. I fight to qunqouer (spelling? lol)

How could they guide or mentor me thru something they never managed themselves. They can't. It's like if I who don't know anything about being a carpenter should be a teacher in that manner.
The result would be awful!

It has nothing to do with love for the students, it's only a matter of experience and knowledge.

What I see is that, with my ex, I should have talked to here and told her she needed to see a therpaist becuse I can't help her. I can love her, but I can't fix her!

That's what I have learned from the last years of experiences. I don't blame myself for it. But I have learned from it.

And when I do understand this, I deeply in my heart miss her, and now the tears comes again.

....

Why do I feel like this. It must be true love. I really do miss her and all the good times we had. And I am a true believer of everything can be good, if you you want it to. With all that clearly in my mind, I also remember, Yeay, it needs two for a relationship to last! And even if I got this and understood all this. If I talk to her and make all this clear and ask what she want to to do. She would say she would like to come back. But I can't trust her. And it will be that I would pull forward again.

Its hard to realize, that the girl you want to be with, doesn't really want to be with you. As you are. Rather she would be with you, so you could take care of her and guide her.

So that's backs my first thoughts of today. I need a mentor, a guide in my life. Someopi can trust and get good advices from. And live accordingly too.

First that get to my mind is God. Who else would be better? But I need to figure out that, becuse I really feel betrayed and there is no trust for the religions or churches. Will take time for that in the future...

Right now my thoughts are about my social anxiety from last night's party.

I wanted to go first. But something hold me back. I tried to manage what it was, but i couldn't. I felt that I had to fix these emotions first so I could be free and enjoy the night. If I didn't I would be sad and feel alone.
So I had one feelings. Scared of being alone. I also felt that I would do wrong if I went. And I felt that I would be sad and regret if I did not go. And I felt that I was not allowed /worrghuto have fun. And I felt I needed to meet people and be social. And I had a hunger for being touched.

It was just spinning and build up anxiety. Talked to a friend, who is abroad, becuse she knew I was going for a Rave, and asked me if I was excited. I was honest with her and told her about all these emotions. And she helped me remember about doing things that makes me worthy. So I made up my mind and went. I needed to hurry, last train was only 13 min away, and I have 7 min to the station by car.

I made it, was excited.

During the night I met some cool people, and one bunch of people who came for their first Rave in life. They was high, friendly, and wanted me to join them. I felt how the anxiety built up. And how I had difficulty to relax.

I wanted so bad to relax and just be me. But I was soooo afraid to not be liked. Becuse I felt Lonley already. (I think all these emotions comes from a party when I was in 6th grade, and that ended upp with tears and running home first of all, feeling so alone and lonely, nobody liked me, and I couldn't talk with mom about it, because she would not help me with my feelings. She would have talked to the teachers, and made it big, becuse she would have treated me like a victim, and she would have tried to rescue me, aka plying games)

The Rave was underground, we had some visits of the local police, they didn't do anything, but I didn't get any alcohol first. But later when I was safe. I got some drinks, and it helped me to relax. I jumped to the dancefloor and was enjoying life. Ans as usual, when I hit that point, girls dance into my circle and want to be close.

And again my anxiety holds me back. I had this girl who was all into me, we huged, danced and had fun. I wanted to kiss her, but I didn't know how to do it. I was scared for not being respectful. So it ends up that I keep dancing. Of course she will get tired of me, becuse I don't show any sexual interest in her. I come off as friendly.

She dance away, and all jumping made me feel like a wanted to throw up after the drinks. I was laying on the grass, all spinning, just laughing. And thought. Wooow I'm so happy I made it here. And didn't stay home.

I got back to the dancefloor. And she was dancing with another dude. And they did make out...

Later she come back and saw me. Danced with e again. Now I didn't want her anyway, becuse she had been kissing tat other guy just 2 sec ago. But we had some fun, dancing. She went away and I had no interest in her anymore. And after a while a guy asked me if it was my girlfriend. I said no. And she she came back he danced with her and huged her and ended up kissing her. They walked away together.

At the same time I hade met some other people and talked to them, and another girl their and I was connecting fast. And we danced together also. Same thing happend there. This girl thou was not that wasted like the other girl. I made the same "mistake" and didn't took any clear step to show I was interested.

And while I was relaxing right before the end. Or of the girls from the first group joined me. She was stil high haha, but was super friendly. We talked and she was close, leg to leg.

I'm still learning things here. And like I said before. I have a hunger for touching, but iam afraid of asking for it straight forward. Becuse I end up feeling alone and worthless. Becuse that's the feeling I have frm the beginning and need to manage.

I don't know why I felt worthless... Hmm...

Yes I do!! This party, it was a girl who invited me! But she didn't end up there herself. And she didn't answer my text about it. Now I see it. I said yes first, not because I wanted to go to this party, it was because I wanted to meet that girl!
But really, I didn't want to meet her. I wanted to feel likeable. And "used her".

And when she didn't came to the party, I felt like nobody wants me...

But tjat was also the old me thinking, and I don't trust that as quickly as before. And that's why all this head and heart spinning emotions before the party.

The question should be. Do I want that girl? Not, do that girl want me?



Problem solvedu:)

Ha, and this reminds me of my decision to guide myself. I will let my inner child do things like this. To explore and feel all these emotions. And we will deal with it, will give myself the love and gupmy mom never gave me. And I will help my inner child to grow and be responsible.

Next step will be, how can I manage to come to this conclusion quicker. And how shall I do, to get some nice hugs and kissing from these girls who hit on me on the dancefloor.

Some things I learned from yesterdays anxiety was. Ask for names.

The first group invited me to their circle, one guy asked me where my group is, and I said I was alone, he said I could join them. At first we danced, but I still felt like it was me and them. And after a few minutes I realized, to brake the border, we need to introduce ourselves and get the names.

After that, I felt part of the group.

For me, I never thought it would be any difference. You get a name from someone you want to stay in touch with. And we are strangers and will not met after the party. Why get anyone's names right?

And I realized. That's wrong. I should absolutely introduce myself, get the names, and talk, get to learn them, and maybe we will stay in touch even after the party. If I do that, they would be consider to be friends. But if I even don't get the names,it will be awkward, we will feel like strangers, and it will never ever be any chance for a friendship.

Many new realizations this weekend!

[mobilfreak]

Day 18, 24 min to to reach day 19!!

No PMO for 19 days. This is great.

And I am working on my social skills. And guess what. Its going pretty good!

Right now I have met 5-6 new people. Ok. All girls. But whatever. I have talked and chatted with them and they ask me for my number, or my snap or my anything else to keep in touch.

This feels really good. And I feel that if they don't wanna hang out with me. It's not my problem, it's them who is missing out.

Iam on the right track now. And I will keep this going. My goal is to make one day a time, and be present everyday. And if something happens and I feel bad. The key for success here is to just forgive yourself. And ask. Why do I want to have a good life? What do I want to do right now? And how?

Just make some small changes. Don't stop to refigure out all again.

I want to shine! I want to be honest. Genuine.
And I don't care about taking care of others anymore. It's a big burden lifting off my chest.

I have told some friends about my situation with my mom and what she did two, three weeks ago. They got mad and angry. And they said it was nice to hear that I was too and was straight forward.

They understood it was difficult for me, and I easily feel Lonley becuse I don't have any mom and dad in my life who wants to have a healthy relationship with their kid.

I saw a picture at IG from my uncle, and one from my grandmother, they where abroad. And my mom was with them. My grandparents had their anniversary.

And it hit me, to things. First. Why didn't I knew. Why wasn't I invited. Why dont they tell me?
And the second was. Well, do I know when they have their anniversary. Yes I know. And I could have bought something my self.

And I realized. Hmm. Do I want that? Do I really want to be with them? And why does it feel like I'm missing out. And I realized. My mom have not grow up yet. She still spends more time with her parants then she does with her own kids.

She have not built her own family, she still try to get my grandparents approval. Or mostly my granddads.

And with that I realized. How many times in my life have my grandfather called me? Because I didn't had a real dad, he was the grown up/adult man in my life. And what kind of a relationship did we have? He didn't guided me, he haven't been there for me. He have always been bitter. All my family is bitter. They don't wanna solve any issues. Just pretend it's good. And that's why they celebrate the anniversary together.

But me, I want to be genuine. I don't wanna be there. I am fed up with that bull****

And again got angry. I should not be sad or feel Lonley becuse they act like they do. That's how they manipulate me.

They do push me out and act like "hey we having fun, and you are invited if you behave"

I do realize now. I am behaving. I am doing good. I am a good person and I don't need to change to be a part of the family. I have not doing anything wrong. I have done something good. I have been honest and told them how I feel. And I have said I'm feel lonely, sad and alone.

Its not me, it's them!

Don't get me wrong here. I'm humble, I'm open to change, I have no problems to change and listen if someone do tell me I did them wrong! But I this case. It's not me who need to humble, it's my family.

I am humble enough to understand that sure, I have my own responsibilities, to congratulate their anniversary. And I can pick up the phone and call them. And all that.

But I have, and every time they ask how I am doing I tell them the same thing. I am doing great, but I'm sad and angry.

I'm straight forward. And calm.

They never ask why, or wanna talk about it. They ignore it. And that's the problem. The case is not solved. Not brought up in the air and forgotten.

I have, in the Mattar, that I don't burden myself with it all day long. Like with my cheating ex. I have forgive her. Not becuse she need it or I want to be her friend. Becuse I want to feel good and leave it in the past. And even if I did forgive her. I don't need to live or speak with her everyday.

Its the same with my family. I don't think about it all day long. And I can have a Good life. I don't need to talk to them and have them close in my life. Even if i would love to have that. I need to remember and realize the fact that they wanna play the games. Anf I don't wanna participate anymore.

In time I hope they understand. And til that day I keep growing.

[mobilfreak]

Day 22

Been partyin the whole weekend at a Rave festival. Sooooo amazing.

Have worked with my social anxiety. And have met, dances and got names of like 10-15 new people. I think it was a great experience.

I even asked one girl to eat with me. And she did. We had some good time eating and talking.

I feel some emotional thing here and I think I know why. I feel little sad that I did not had anyone to sleep with in my tent.

I had some girls who flirting with me and sure I could go with them. But both my anxiety put in. I didn't had the guts to ask for that and flirt.

On the other hand I realized. I didnot really want it to happen. Becuse it was like on a hunt. I was not relaxed and so.

So this made me feel alone and lonely. Only a little bit.

I wanted to go and I knew it would be this feeling. That's my anxiety and what I am working with.

I wanted to put me in this situation so I can analyze and see whow I can manage to work it through.

Soon time to pack the tent and travel back home. See ya

[mobilfreak]

1 hour and 10 min to turn to day 24.

Whoop Whooop.


And I met a girl on the way home at the train yesterday. We talked and laughed. Ended up sleeping on each other's shoulders. It was so cozy.

I asked for he snap after got it. But she didn't add me back.

Well well. It was a good time and I learned alot.

I'm happy for this progress.

Knowing what I need and what I don't need.

I felt hunger for touch and I could make it with a stranger, just a good little cuddle and sleep together. To feel seen. It was great.

I will keep doing stuff like this and keep analyze, so that my feelings are in tough with my heart.

When I came home and I noticed she didn't add me. I first felt sad, and checked the phone like ever minute.  And I realized. I was trying to be liked again. And I asked myself. Do I want to meet someone who first say that we will meet again but take contacts.

Sure not. It's better to look for others and enjoy the time together.

C ya, time for work

[MindOverModem]

Good stuff, that human contact, whether it's for a few minutes with a stranger on the train or many years with a loving partner, is what it's all about. To me, that's the opposite of P, and it's what I hope to deepen in my life by giving up P one day at a time.

In the pit of P addiction, my eyes are closed to the beauty all around me, and I feel cut off from that purposeful connection. I don't want to live that way.

So happy for you. That sounds like a fun encounter.

[zazen]

Mobilfreak great work on actively working on the social anxiety! Really happy for you!
I am sure you had a great time, learned a lot from the experience etc. I see it as this ; she helped you gain more confidence in yourself. She was put there to help you and part of the overall plan.  a steppingstone to what is to come. That good lovin .. stick in there buddy and work on that game,, inspiring!!

[mobilfreak]

Good stuff, that human contact, whether it's for a few minutes with a stranger on the train or many years with a loving partner, is what it's all about. To me, that's the opposite of P, and it's what I hope to deepen in my life by giving up P one day at a time.

In the pit of P addiction, my eyes are closed to the beauty all around me, and I feel cut off from that purposeful connection. I don't want to live that way.

So happy for you. That sounds like a fun encounter.

I'm happy to hear that my story inspired you to get out of the addiction. I belive in you you will make it

[mobilfreak]

Mobilfreak great work on actively working on the social anxiety! Really happy for you!
I am sure you had a great time, learned a lot from the experience etc. I see it as this ; she helped you gain more confidence in yourself. She was put there to help you and part of the overall plan.  a steppingstone to what is to come. That good lovin .. stick in there buddy and work on that game,, inspiring!!

Thank you so much for those words!

I want to se it the same way one step closer to the goal.

[mobilfreak]

Today my counter reminded me.

1 month, remember to celebrate!

This have been mine weakness for many years. To give myself credit when doing good.

Today I'm sad, I'm about to cry.

Had a groupsession with my therapist yesterday. And something happen during the session. The others was talking about their partners and I just went from excitement to feeling lowly.

I didn't feel like a victim. I feel like I have missed something put. I am angry and sad at the same time. I'm so f angry for that she didn't stayed at my side.

I'm feeling sad becuse it feels like I lost 13 years. I just wanted it to work out. To be good. But there is always two in a relationship.

I also have difficulty to go to bed for a week. I feel heavy.

I also feal angry because my mom have not yet called me or managed to do anything about the situation.

I know she does dare, becuse she is afraid of me being angry.

And I am scared to show my anger becuse when I do, she do take a step back and don't talk to me.

Like how it is now.

So whatever I do, I will feel pain.
Either pain and hurt because mom will manipulate me to feel sorry for her. Or she will act like I'm like fire and she can't be close.

And here I am trying to get through to the next step.

I just want to talk to my mom and tell her I am sad and she do hurt me.

But she want to have the relationship like this.

It was the same with my ex. She also wanted to have a toxic relationship.

I dont.i don't want it. I want healthy relationships!

But it's still pretty lonely, and I still need to make the effort to meet people.

I have some people who text me, from the dating apps I Hager. But I feel how desperate they are. How they texting me becuse they feel like I am good looking, and treating them nice and respectful. They build up a princesslike dream and and want it to be like in the movies.

I had enough of that from my ex. And I will not except that in my life anymore.

Tomorrow it's a holiday here, don't know what to do.
Any suggestions!?

[zazen]

Any suggestions!?

Do something nice for you'r mom, even if there are so many mixed feelings and everything and probably the hardest thing to do right now.
Just the act of giving flowers and a card saying that you love her. nothing more.

My belief is you will receive what you give... if you are suffering, it may attract more suffering from others (in other way, shape and forms - such as victim role as you mention).
Whereas, if you give what you want to receive ("I just want to talk to my mom and tell her I am sad and she do hurt me.") > you want better communication with your mom .. its better to start with a small step, a kind gesture. Only love and compassion will open a closed up heart.  just my suggestion but naturally I don't know what is going on other than what you write. I just wish for the both of you, a more compassionate relationship. 

If I may also suggest a video, something has helped me in the past in regards easing these kind of feelings ; "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=si1iz7B8wqE".
Enjoy the holiday! > ps. 1 month is freakin awesome!!

[mobilfreak]

Day 26 today. Only 4 days to 1 month milestone.

And I have been filled up with anger and sadness whole day.

Been eating all day. Snacks, food, soda, chocolate, chips, more snacks. I'm trying to comfort myself with food.

When something need to come out, I stuff things in my month, so I don't need to face my emotions.

Took the car for a drive and started to cry and scream out loud. I'm so freaking mad at all those people I trusted, who told me they would be there for me. How they promised me things. But when I really need them. They dont show up.

I just want to punch them I. The face so they wake up and say they are sorry for betrayed me. They don't want to be friends. They dont dare to face the truth. All they say is. "I'm only want to help you" and in that way they say "don't you appreciate my help?" and they turn all around so that I will feel sorry for them. All they did was trying to help and I'm not even thankful!

Well that's the problem. They did not try to help me. The only thing that motivated them was their own ego, and they wanted someone to act on their effort so they could feel less ashamed.

Becuse that's why they do that. They have done things wrong, and instead of dealing with it, they try to play games and act like all is good. Becuse you help a friend right, so now I'm help you, and you are my friend.

I'm done with that BS. For real. I dont want hypocrite people in my life any more. Doesn't care if it's my mom or someone else.

I gave told my mom several times I do love her, and I have given her alot of things to prove that. The thing is, it's not my work to make her feel good. It's hers job to do.

If I give her a card or flowers. I will say that I did wrong when I told her what I felt. And I did nothing wrong telling her she steped over the line.

This is not about forgiveness from my side. It about being clear and loud about where my line is and not let anyone step over it. If I take the step to speak with mom, she will step over again. And again and again. We will play "hey we are good right!?"

We are not good, becuse the real issue Gabe not been aired, becuse she don't dare to face it. She rather live with no contact with her son than dealing with her own issues.

She know it's her problems. I have told her, and she have confirmed it is. Just like dad did.

So here I am waiting for them to step up and do what parants should do. And the same time, don't feel sad becuse they will never do.

I have talked through everything with my therapist, and this is the only way. Just as I did with my ex wife. I need to stop taking care of them. They need to start to take care of themselves.

I have also told the group I'm in about how my life is. And one of the other members is a mom and she gets angry every time I tell them about how my parants treats me.

And it really helps. I feel like the anger is helping me keep my boundaries. But I really have difficulty to show it.

Another thing.

Its summer here now. And only 1 month to wedding day. I'm really missing the gfod times with ex. The times when everything was good between us. And I miss out sharing the good times in life with anyone. Just to feel happy together woth anyone. To be able to share gppd news with someone and they genuinely get happy for me.

I'm really missing that. Doesn't need to be a girlfriend.
I wish it could be dad or mom. But how could they? They never been before. My mom let her own fears hold her back.

She doesn't seams to care of i am really. She only wants me to be happy with the things that makes her happy.

I don't know what to do. Im just trying to figure it out. I just need a friend to talk to. I need a hug.

And now the tears come again.

[mobilfreak]

Day 28 going for 29

Today I'm laying in bed. I feel Lonley.

I feel that I have emotions inside of me and I watch movies to try to avoid handle with them.

But what I really want is someone to hold in my arms here in bed.

I do feel that I miss the good times with my ex and that I want it back. And I realize, what do I want from her. She cheated on me.

And then I realize again. That's what love is. To love someone beyond there flaws. And that's what I really do for her. And I feel sad becuse it's obvious she doesn't feel the same.

I should be angry,


All this I realize I have more to grive, and to work with within.

I just want a friend to hang out with and be there for me.

That's what I'm most sad about today.

Like the girl sent the email to me. She Said that's what friends are for.

I miss that kind of friend. And I try to run from this sadness and grief.

I need to stop running. I need to deal with it.

[mobilfreak]

10 hours to 30 days.

Today i feeel terrible lonley. Again.

I tried to remeber why someone feel like this. And i have read for a long time ago, you feel lonley, when you dont have anyone to talk to about what you feel.

When i did remember that definition, i felt, yes, thats it. I feel sad and angry. For what dad, mom, ex wife and People done to me and I feel lonley becuse when i talked about it. People did not show empathy, they did tell me to understand them. They did explain that they did teäe best and that i should love more.

They turned everything around. Like it was my fault that my dad call me an idiot and whos goal was to Change me. Or thats my fault that my mom let her fears guide her in life and dont want to genuin with her own sons. And worst of all, it was my fault that my ex cheated on le first time. Becuse i did t how her enough love. And the second time was my fault becuse i didnt cared for my families spiritulity, so my ex was not strong enough, and that was my fault?

And now when i do realize all this, and said stop, they all leave, like its my fault Again, and like its me who took a sgep away and dont love them enough. So they play The victim, and they like waitin for me to Come and rescure them like I always did before.

Im sick and tired of this. Sick and tired off them doing this. And sick and tired of feel this pain insode.

Ibread an article today in The News papper. About lonleyness.

Lonleiness i like smoking 15 cigaretts per Day. And Lonleiness is like pain, its in The same place of the brain. And what we need is comfort.

It all makes sense. Thats why PMO is so difficult to get rid off. The opposite to PMO is not being free from PMO. The opposite is connection and love.

And right now, i just want to cudfle with someone.

This Will be a Hard tssk to reach for Day 30 with all this feelings insode.i dont feel any urge for PMO thou, i just feel i need to get rid of the pain. I want to eat or drink.

What i really want is my mom to truly ask for forgivness, to realize what she done.

[mobilfreak]

Day 30, soon 31.

Life isn't fair. At all.

I had hard time falling asleep yesterday, I was stiff, and worried.

I guy at work is after me. Talked about it with my therapist some weeks ago. And he said. Stay away from that guy, he is showing true characteristics for being a psychopath. He acting like a maffia boss, and it doesn't matter what you do, he will always attack you.

Yesterday I got an email from him. He said I had ruined a costumer becuse I made a bad deal with them and if he did the deal it would have been better. He sent the email to the companies head boss.

I managed to let it go and worked as usual. When I was going to sleep Ive got an email, and it was from the boss. I couldn't sleep if I didnt open it. And I knew I would not be able to sleep if I did open it.

So I read it and for a short realif the boss actually told my colleague to stop picking on me and it's not Okey to use that kind of words internally to each other. And he also took the issue on his shoulders, becuse it the boss who gave my boss the orders to hand out the comsturs to me. And some of them was this collouges costumers.

The boss ended the Emil telling that he will visit the hq today and will hear me out what happend.

My anxiety went to the roof and I am afraid of not being belived. And that I will start to be bullied like in school.

I know, from what I have read, that if some do like my collouges did, they are feeling bad for something, and they want to find someone to pick on. They look for people who are happy and having a good life. Because they want to push them down  so themselves can feel like others are bad too.

Instead of working on themselves to grown, they try to push others down.

And this behavior am I truly familiar with and easily caught up with. That's exactly how my dad have done towards me since I was a little child.

I was turning around in bed and tried to fall asleep and asure myself that it's nothing to be worried about. E mail clearly said the boss took it on him, and we look into how to not make the same mistakes again.

But of course, it's not strange I feel like I do, becuse I remember how it was when I was a child. Nothing I did made my dad happy. And I always got yelled at. I tried to better, tried to work it out. But the best thing was to end the relationship, becuse it only tired me out.

I felt empty, and I did not feel like I wanted to PMO, but I did feel that I really need to sleep. It was only three hours left for the alarm to make the noise.

So I said to myself, let's M, becuse it will help you faal asleep. I did search for some P. But it didn't find me interesting, so I just feeled me out without it. I wasn't even H. It was only mechanical, I pushed myself to do it, so I could sleep.


And I think this experience was sort of good. Becuse I start to loose interest in P for real. And I'm going thru a low libido. 

Sure it didn't felt any good or was nothing else then just relief from muscle tension. It did work.

Now I'm heading to my job, have some nice meetings with costumers today, will have a talk with my bosses. And I will end the day with a meeting with my therapist. So what ever happen, I will be saved by the bell in the end.

I already know now that I need to tell that I understand that my dad is a psychopath too.

Need to give myself something in reward for 30 days.

[zazen]

So I said to myself, let's M, becuse it will help you faal asleep. I did search for some P. But it didn't find me interesting, so I just feeled me out without it. I wasn't even H. It was only mechanical, I pushed myself to do it, so I could sleep.

hey.. Just curious. You searched for P,.. so you did watch it?.. if so for how long?..
also, do you think it was the right thing to do?.. M just to get some sleep?...  that idea lead you to search for P. Probably a pattern you acted without even questioning it.
asking as I remember that thought-cyclus in me in the past .. "i want to sleep > what can i do to sleep > release tension > search for a good scene > M > sleep".

sorry for questioning, but I am asking to be proactive so you wont let a "small peek" turn into a rationalisation for next time you feel bored/stressed etc.. and peek a little bit longer etc.. we all know where that will lead. I want just to be aware of what just happened from an outside perspective instead of just being silent.

I know you say 'didn't find it interesting' but the fact is you searched for it.. I don't want to come off as a judgemental person / point fingers, not at all.. I truly have compassion for what you are going through and I truly want you the best.. Just being objective and seeing things for what they are. so IMO, I  don't see what you did in that very moment, would be of any help for you to progress in this journey.

If it was me, I would not celebrate a day where I knew I had semi-peeked and searched for P. That is exactly what the addiction wanted you to do, that dopamine high.
Don't know man, you know better than me.. maybe its me being too judgmental, overcomplicating things and being too much black and white.. I know this is a negative trait I have.

Please see it from my side, I don't know if it was a search for 5seconds and you closed it down or 1 hour..  I know nothing other than the words you wrote. Just want to prevent you from going that 'just a small peek' route that leads to 'just a little more' thing... you know what I mean.   none the less : you were strong to close it down and not M to it.. I do commend you for that!  and 30 days being pmo free is a great accomplishment. keep it up!



Another thing, I remember how happy you were when you met and talked to that girl... connection. I can relate a lot to your situation in that regard. So my question is, have you wondered if to take a small vacation to only focus on having fun?.. like talking to women etc..  maybe another country or so or just to another city and stay outside for the most. It's like im writing this part to myself hehe.. The thing is I can relate to much of you'r stuff you are going through. and I know what makes me happy.. connection. kind people. being seen.    all the best, hope all works out at the job.

[mobilfreak]

So I said to myself, let's M, becuse it will help you faal asleep. I did search for some P. But it didn't find me interesting, so I just feeled me out without it. I wasn't even H. It was only mechanical, I pushed myself to do it, so I could sleep.

hey.. Just curious. You searched for P,.. so you did watch it?.. if so for how long?..
also, do you think it was the right thing to do?.. M just to get some sleep?...  that idea lead you to search for P. Probably a pattern you acted without even questioning it.
asking as I remember that thought-cyclus in me in the past .. "i want to sleep > what can i do to sleep > release tension > search for a good scene > M > sleep".

sorry for questioning, but I am asking to be proactive so you wont let a "small peek" turn into a rationalisation for next time you feel bored/stressed etc.. and peek a little bit longer etc.. we all know where that will lead. I want just to be aware of what just happened from an outside perspective instead of just being silent.

I know you say 'didn't find it interesting' but the fact is you searched for it.. I don't want to come off as a judgemental person / point fingers, not at all.. I truly have compassion for what you are going through and I truly want you the best.. Just being objective and seeing things for what they are. so IMO, I  don't see what you did in that very moment, would be of any help for you to progress in this journey.

If it was me, I would not celebrate a day where I knew I had semi-peeked and searched for P. That is exactly what the addiction wanted you to do, that dopamine high.
Don't know man, you know better than me.. maybe its me being too judgmental, overcomplicating things and being too much black and white.. I know this is a negative trait I have.

Please see it from my side, I don't know if it was a search for 5seconds and you closed it down or 1 hour..  I know nothing other than the words you wrote. Just want to prevent you from going that 'just a small peek' route that leads to 'just a little more' thing... you know what I mean.   none the less : you were strong to close it down and not M to it.. I do commend you for that!  and 30 days being pmo free is a great accomplishment. keep it up!



Another thing, I remember how happy you were when you met and talked to that girl... connection. I can relate a lot to your situation in that regard. So my question is, have you wondered if to take a small vacation to only focus on having fun?.. like talking to women etc..  maybe another country or so or just to another city and stay outside for the most. It's like im writing this part to myself hehe.. The thing is I can relate to much of you'r stuff you are going through. and I know what makes me happy.. connection. kind people. being seen.    all the best, hope all works out at the job.

Thanks mate.

Well I didn't feel anything like I needed to fight against PMO. I just killed timed and come across it with some searches.

Did a search for chat, who lead to some results involving adults chat. It was just a couple of minutes.

To explain more I details. Sometimes you feel like you want candy. And u can't stop thinking about how good that suger would feel and you just fight against it. And only one bite in that situation would end in eating the whole bag.

This time it was more like, the candy is there, and you walked passed it, you had nothing to do, and without any thought just tasted it, and it tastes awful, didn't give you anything. And you spit it out. In disgust.

It was more like number two.

And what did I learnt from that. Well I learned I have come really far, I don't want PMO anymore, I don't really like it. And I did not give me what I want. Not even the M gave me anything more than being able to relax and fall a sleep.


What I also know is that if I judge myself to hard, it will end up me going down in the spiral and meet a new bump and would make it one more time to the PMO hunt.

Its a inner work and progress. And why you do it is more important then what you do.

I don't of it really was good what I did, but I don't judge myself and feel like it's the worst thing ever or like I betrayed myself. I felt that I took care of my sleep and being able to wake up with new energy so I could leave that bihind and start a new day. If I didn't manage to sleep at all, I would have taken yesterdays problems with me to today. And that will make more problems in my life then one time PMO will.

The war is not against PMO. The war is about if you love yourself enough and take care of you. In the right way.

Do you comfort yourself when down or do you beat yourself?

Let say you do PMO. Use the same question. How would beeping harsh and beat yourself help you feel better about it?

Its not about telling yourself it's good for you. It about being there for yourself when you need it. Mercy and love.


BTW. The big boss told me today that he told my colleague it was bad what he done. It did not fell any shadow at me at all. I knew that but it was good to hear it. A new experience in life. Someone did see thru the bullshit and did send it back where it came from.

He told he that he told my colleague to apologize for his behavior. I know it will not come. And I don't care about it. It tell more about him than me.