Author Topic: First relapse  (Read 22237 times)

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #200 on: February 17, 2019, 05:38:12 AM »
Caring for yourself is not selfish. Who are you gonna help if you don't help yourself. Put on your ow oxygen mask first.
And remember: Some people are black holes. They suck out all your energy. Avoid them.

And don't try to help a person who really don't want any help. Try to roll the stones already in motion, not the ones with moss on.

(Hope you understand and that I'm not to figurative. Talking to you now was therapy for myself)


You are right. And it's make me sad that my closest family is black holes. Those people who should be like fresh water in the desert. A comfy bed when u are exhausted. And so on. Thlse people are not helping me at all and acts like I'm doing wrong.

My mom have not called me back yet. It's 45 hours now.


It feels like I want to leave then behind. But you know, I'm sitting all week alone in my apartment. Feel anxious and lonely. Even if my mom is a black hole. She is still my mom.
And my dad is a black hole too. But still he is my dad.

And it's so fu**** hurt so much inside. I feel worthless. My own parants don't wanna be with me and share the happy moments in my life.

My dad don't want me to belive I. God and don't see that I am happy with it. He don't encourage me to do the things who make me happy or wanna hear about it. Nor want he be proud over it.

My mom is the opposite, she only encourages me for the things who is made in the belive of God. When I talk about my work, she is worried that I wanna pursue a life in earnings. And if I talk about my own company she shuts me out. She clearly show that I'm am doing wrong and she shame me for doing things I like. And she excuse herself for being sick when I invites her to be together with me on travel in life.

But she isn't sick when she invite 3 kids from church to stay at her place. And she calls them her kids. Not is she sick when she travel with her dad a weekend to shop abroad. Nor is she sick when she have a party in he bathhouse together with her friends.

Deep inside I feel I have not take care of my wife like I should have done. She was more or less raped. She said no and she did some things that show that she didn't really want it. And on the other hand when she was over the edge, she was like. Alright, it's Okey, I don't want you to be sad.

Everytime she told me about these times it been the same.

"I did something terrible"
"I did something wrong"
"I have cheated"

She have put the guilt on her schoulders and talked like she was responsible for it all. So it's have been difficult to see whats her responsibility and what's not.

And I need to be honest here. I do feel that i would have done different. I would have told her right away. You was not cheating, u was raped, and it's going to be Okey. I will be here for you.

I still wanna say that and take her in my arms and leave everything behind. That's what I really want deepn inside.

But I hear a voice saying. No, you can't trust her, you don't know what really happend, and you can't let you be manipulated to take care of you.

There is girls out there who never been in a situation like my ex have been at least three times. Becuse they would not allow themselves to be in that kind of situations.

So it's not an excuse for here that she can't say no propp, and that she is no nice. She do t respect herself and therefore she will not eepme or our relationship.

But maaan what I miss the good days with her. Where the fear was gone and we lived for the day. Without letting other people disturb us. We did what we wanted to do. We had put plans. And we did as we wanted to.


I know tjat i need to put on the oxygen mask on myself first. But it feels so uncomfortable, I am not used to it.

And that's not that strange. Becuse my mom and dad have never showed med how important my life and choices is. They have only gave me rules to stick to so I don't do "wrong".

No I see, that what they say is wrong, isn't really wrong. Its only different from what they would do or want.

It like they try to force me to live there dream life instead of encouraging me to live my life.

I wanna cry out my anger and I want to hug someone until I fall asleep on there schoulders. I wanna feel safe. Trust.

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #201 on: February 17, 2019, 08:08:27 AM »
Day 2 still

I had this heavy pressure over my chest today. Did try a 40 min meditation to get it off my chest. It didn't helped. I had some plans for today. I did feel this pressure hold me back. I couldn't make it. I'd did the last of the laundry. I charges my battery to my camera. Had plans to take it with me to the zoo.

But something holds me back. I did know I wouldn't enjoy it if I did go. But I put in the battery and checked the pictures on the memory card.

And I saw pic, was a year ago. From one of our trips. I remember that weekend. I fell into tears. It was a beautiful pic of my ex. She was smiling. So happy. It was honest.

I remember that trip, it was a gift for hee after we had some difficulties. Or better to say. She had, and she didn't feel good or that she was loved or worthy.

I took her out after work and we sat in the car talking all night. Just talk n talk n talk. I listen to her and she came to an aha moment and was crying, she felt warmth in her heart I remembered she told me. It was like a fresh water start to flood a dry dessert. It made her feel good. And I asked her.

What do you wanna do for yourself to show yourself you are worthy. Say something you wanna do.

I know she was thinking and finally said. I wanna go to London!

And I said. Let's do it!

So we booked 3 days and planed. It was so nice. I miss her by my side. I really do.

I'm crying again. I miss her so terribly.

When I logged in on here. I saw some posts from others.saying they are addicted.

I thought about it, and I realized. I am not addicted anymore.
I do not seek PMO very often anymore. And I don't even urge for it. It's not that I do it thee times a day like years ago. And I don't do it at work and like that anymore like I have done for many many many years ago.

It made me somehow hopeful and happy. Because I am going in the right direction. And it's getting better and better.
I hope my ex can make it thru her times now. I really really really hope she can manage to take care of herself and enjoy life. That's the only chance for us to be together again. And if she do commit suicide. I don't know what to do. If she does. I will never see her again. I'm not ready for that.

Why is love this hard? Why do I really care?
I don't feel this is fear for loneliness. I feel empethy, I feel that I care, my heart wanna hug her and tell her she is wonderful and deserve a good life. I wanna give her that.

Its hurts so much.

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #202 on: February 18, 2019, 03:42:37 PM »
Day 3!

Ita good.

Woow whay I cried yesterday. It was worth it so I could have a good night sleep.

I working for having a whole weekend without feelings of loneliness.

Right now I hate weekends. All weekend I use the time to deal with anxiety, low self esteem and let my feelings out. So I can start fresh for work.

My ex called again today.

She have really put herself in a difficult situation. And she is really weak. It's clear that she been raped. But her highest concern is not how she will deal with that. It how he would feel if she tell the police.

And I sitting here, looking, and se how lost she is in hear soul. And I just wanna shake her till she wake up from her cloudy eyes. She can't see clear.

And she start to call me, becuse she feel safe with me. I give her rest and love.

I told her the truth. We talked yesterday, and she was doing good. But she choosed to kept contact with the guy and listen to him. She choosed to feel bad today, so she could call me. I told her that is what she always have done and I am not going for that again. I told her she know what she needs to do. And now she can choose to do that or do like she always does. Now is she chance for change. She can't let someone else do the work. It will hurt, it will be tough. But it will be worth it. I belive in you and you are beautiful. He didn't let you down, it was you who didn't showed up for yourself. Now you have a new chance to take care for yourself. Don't care what other say. Do what yiur guts tells you to do. That will heal you!

Wooow, in my most humble way. What a guy I am. What she been put me thru in life. And this is what I do. I pick up the phone and comfort her. I give her love and compassion. I give her strength.

I have told her, that I am afraid of showing her love like that, because she will use that to hit her self. Like she screwed everything up and loose the best guy on earth.

She have said things like that before. And I understand more and more why I was depressed. Becuse I could be myself. I couldnt even be loving and helpful. Becuse she would use that to make hersself feel unworthy. So if I did tell her I loved her. She would say she was not worthy. And if I didn't tell her. She felt unworthy.

I'm happy for my own health that we are not together anymore. But I do really miss the good days when we was dancing around with joy.


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #203 on: February 19, 2019, 02:43:17 AM »
Day 4

A little unbalanced today.

Mom have not yet called me.

And I feel vulnerable. Like I am about to cry.

Have an appointment with therapist today. That will be good I hope

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #204 on: February 27, 2019, 01:48:27 PM »
Day 1 again.

But!

I dont feel so bad about it. And it's not a big deal. That what I feel now. I am not addicted like before. And it's big difference now. I'm single and I don't get any o.

I'm stil human. I can't cut out some emotions.
What I have been fighting is doing it instead of taking care of myself.

To realize that if I'm sad. I need to cry. If I feel lonely, I need to call a friend. If I'm depressed, I need to workout. If I feel worthless, I need to do something for myself.

Its when I do some else then what I feel that makes all the difference and makes life hard.

My mom have stil not called me back, and it makes me sad. She keep on manipulate thru Instagram and facebook.

She know it's a conflict, but she comments hearts on my pics. But she can't lift her phone to call. Like she have promised.

I don't wanna call her and tell her I'm sad. Becuse she already know. And I need to let her be a grown up herself and take care of her own feelings. On the other hand she keeps hurting me when she acts on Instagram like we are good. But can't hang out irl.

I hate fake ppl. And its hurt me alot to have a mom and dad who is fake.

I wanna cry now

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #205 on: March 04, 2019, 11:52:40 AM »
Day 0 again

I'm really sad, I'm about to cry every step I take.
Mom still manipulate and don't wanna answer my questions, cut me off and ghost me.

I feel so Lonley

Georgos

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #206 on: March 04, 2019, 12:14:58 PM »
There are two forms of manipulation, manipulation for self-defence and manipulation for gain. You cannot decide for someone what they should do, you can only every give them choices. Those choices can be hard, or near impossible for them to respond to freely, so in that sense you can have a sense of control, but it is an illusion both on their part and yours. Ultimately both you and the other person have complete free will to choose whichever path you wish to take. In reference to your mom, if she is manipulating out of self-defence then try to understand how you are hurting her, if she is manipulating for gain then all you can do is ignore her or give her what she wants. I really hope it works out with you. Make the choice to travel the path without PMO from now on. You can do it.

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #207 on: March 05, 2019, 05:16:07 PM »
Day 2

I busted out in tears yesterday and realized I wanted something I can't get from my mom. It's so sad.

I talked to my therapist today about the situation. And we came to the conclusion that I need to ignore mom.

She try to gain influence over me and tell me what to do. And she manipulate me to belive I hurt her. And Turn everything around. She makes herself a victim.

Look forward and be clear. That's the goal.


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #208 on: March 09, 2019, 01:22:48 AM »
It was day 4 yesterday, and I was looking at a movie and some hot scenes showed up. Well it was not P. And I wasnt feeling depressed and that. But enden up with MO anyways.

Didn't feel worthless, but I was honest with me and reseted the timer.

So day zero again but this time with better  self esteem.


Mom said last week she needed to sleep and stopped texting to me. Probably she still sleeps because I have not heard anything from her yet.

I probably need to do like I did with wifey, cut all communications and focus on the future. 5 month later she called me and said she was sorry for real. She understood what she had done and the cut off helped her she said.

I need to forgive and go on with life in the same way with mom and dad. Doesn't mean I want them close in my life becuse I forgive them. It means that I realese the anger and relax. It means I take care of myself before I take care off others.




mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #209 on: March 09, 2019, 11:13:36 AM »
I'm sooooo drunk right now.

I'm just wanna leave this planet and be loved. Wooooow it's spinning so hard.

I feel so sad. I want a hug and someone to comfort me. I feel lonely and  need a hug

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #210 on: March 12, 2019, 02:14:21 AM »
Day 0

Made it for three days. This weekend have been by the worst for a long time.

Drunk, crying and just wanted to die.
I texted a friend. Who sent a text to my ex who sent a text to my mom.

She came over with a guy from church and did take a walk with her dog.

The guy have had worked as a firefighter so he knew what he needed to do. He cared. And we exchanged numbers.

Mom called me one day after and said she was sorry for not being truthful to me and shutting me out. She could understand why I felt like that.

I met my friends yesterday, and he did a handshake and moved on. That was what he managed to do. I didn't get sad for that. He did what he could do.

I read some books yesterday about strokes and how people need them to survive, and how we have hunger for strokes. And we need to be touched to b alive.

That's also why I easily end up with PMO.
And that also makes sense, becuse if I stand up against my urge to PMO it ends up falling apart and break to the floor and my hands slowly slowly stroke the surface of something that makes my fingertips feel touched. And it's makes me calm.

I have noticed it many times. And I have wondered about why every time it happens.

No I'm sure about this.

Also, I see why I don't allow myself to get touched.
1. I was sexual abused and being touched is uncomfortable
2. I'm did not get enough gentle, friendly and loving hugs and touches when I was in school. I had no friends I felt close with and assumed I was not good enough for being touched.
3. In teens, my beliefs made me think touching was bad and sexual. And I need to control myself and my feelings.


Why do want to quit PMO. One is to make number 3 right. And be a good Christian believer.

It makes it harder.

I'm worthy a good life and iam loved. Decpite my actions.

I can change actions and behaviors. They don't define me.
This truths makes me stronger.

I also understand what I need to get more of in life. And that's friendly cuddles.


I see now why I cuddled with that girl I talked about in the beginning. I understand why I wanted to meet girls on tinder.
I also understand why I was so sad this weekend. One part was mom issue. The second was that I met this girl in tinder. And I felt we had much in common and I felt I wanted to cuddle and make out. So I told her I felt i wanted more. And she said she didn't felt the same and was to emotional shut off. She didn't want to meet again.

After some thought about I I realized I didn't want kissing and making out. I told her I was wrong and just felt alone becuse of mom.ibsaid I was sorry.

She understood but wasn't comfortable to meet again, becuse it would feel like she couldn't be herself.
Beside that, she had 2 other guys who opened up to her and wanted more recently.

When she said that I understood why she been so afraid and stiff sometimes. She was afraid it would happen again. And she is like me. She need friendly cuddles but don't want a love relationship with someone right now.

Many new perspectives on life.

I also see I do PMO for thee different causes.

1.im sad and need distraction
2. I hunger for strokes / touch
3. I feel horny

And number 1 and 2 happens like 99 times of 100.

Number 3 is manageable

imaquitter

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #211 on: March 14, 2019, 04:35:14 PM »
Don't give up!  :)
First reboot, august 29, 2018 (49d, 3xPMO slip, no binging)
2nd attempt, october 19, 2018 90 days w/o PMO!



HM from 10. feb 19