Author Topic: First relapse  (Read 23300 times)

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #200 on: February 17, 2019, 05:38:12 AM »
Caring for yourself is not selfish. Who are you gonna help if you don't help yourself. Put on your ow oxygen mask first.
And remember: Some people are black holes. They suck out all your energy. Avoid them.

And don't try to help a person who really don't want any help. Try to roll the stones already in motion, not the ones with moss on.

(Hope you understand and that I'm not to figurative. Talking to you now was therapy for myself)


You are right. And it's make me sad that my closest family is black holes. Those people who should be like fresh water in the desert. A comfy bed when u are exhausted. And so on. Thlse people are not helping me at all and acts like I'm doing wrong.

My mom have not called me back yet. It's 45 hours now.


It feels like I want to leave then behind. But you know, I'm sitting all week alone in my apartment. Feel anxious and lonely. Even if my mom is a black hole. She is still my mom.
And my dad is a black hole too. But still he is my dad.

And it's so fu**** hurt so much inside. I feel worthless. My own parants don't wanna be with me and share the happy moments in my life.

My dad don't want me to belive I. God and don't see that I am happy with it. He don't encourage me to do the things who make me happy or wanna hear about it. Nor want he be proud over it.

My mom is the opposite, she only encourages me for the things who is made in the belive of God. When I talk about my work, she is worried that I wanna pursue a life in earnings. And if I talk about my own company she shuts me out. She clearly show that I'm am doing wrong and she shame me for doing things I like. And she excuse herself for being sick when I invites her to be together with me on travel in life.

But she isn't sick when she invite 3 kids from church to stay at her place. And she calls them her kids. Not is she sick when she travel with her dad a weekend to shop abroad. Nor is she sick when she have a party in he bathhouse together with her friends.

Deep inside I feel I have not take care of my wife like I should have done. She was more or less raped. She said no and she did some things that show that she didn't really want it. And on the other hand when she was over the edge, she was like. Alright, it's Okey, I don't want you to be sad.

Everytime she told me about these times it been the same.

"I did something terrible"
"I did something wrong"
"I have cheated"

She have put the guilt on her schoulders and talked like she was responsible for it all. So it's have been difficult to see whats her responsibility and what's not.

And I need to be honest here. I do feel that i would have done different. I would have told her right away. You was not cheating, u was raped, and it's going to be Okey. I will be here for you.

I still wanna say that and take her in my arms and leave everything behind. That's what I really want deepn inside.

But I hear a voice saying. No, you can't trust her, you don't know what really happend, and you can't let you be manipulated to take care of you.

There is girls out there who never been in a situation like my ex have been at least three times. Becuse they would not allow themselves to be in that kind of situations.

So it's not an excuse for here that she can't say no propp, and that she is no nice. She do t respect herself and therefore she will not eepme or our relationship.

But maaan what I miss the good days with her. Where the fear was gone and we lived for the day. Without letting other people disturb us. We did what we wanted to do. We had put plans. And we did as we wanted to.


I know tjat i need to put on the oxygen mask on myself first. But it feels so uncomfortable, I am not used to it.

And that's not that strange. Becuse my mom and dad have never showed med how important my life and choices is. They have only gave me rules to stick to so I don't do "wrong".

No I see, that what they say is wrong, isn't really wrong. Its only different from what they would do or want.

It like they try to force me to live there dream life instead of encouraging me to live my life.

I wanna cry out my anger and I want to hug someone until I fall asleep on there schoulders. I wanna feel safe. Trust.

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #201 on: February 17, 2019, 08:08:27 AM »
Day 2 still

I had this heavy pressure over my chest today. Did try a 40 min meditation to get it off my chest. It didn't helped. I had some plans for today. I did feel this pressure hold me back. I couldn't make it. I'd did the last of the laundry. I charges my battery to my camera. Had plans to take it with me to the zoo.

But something holds me back. I did know I wouldn't enjoy it if I did go. But I put in the battery and checked the pictures on the memory card.

And I saw pic, was a year ago. From one of our trips. I remember that weekend. I fell into tears. It was a beautiful pic of my ex. She was smiling. So happy. It was honest.

I remember that trip, it was a gift for hee after we had some difficulties. Or better to say. She had, and she didn't feel good or that she was loved or worthy.

I took her out after work and we sat in the car talking all night. Just talk n talk n talk. I listen to her and she came to an aha moment and was crying, she felt warmth in her heart I remembered she told me. It was like a fresh water start to flood a dry dessert. It made her feel good. And I asked her.

What do you wanna do for yourself to show yourself you are worthy. Say something you wanna do.

I know she was thinking and finally said. I wanna go to London!

And I said. Let's do it!

So we booked 3 days and planed. It was so nice. I miss her by my side. I really do.

I'm crying again. I miss her so terribly.

When I logged in on here. I saw some posts from others.saying they are addicted.

I thought about it, and I realized. I am not addicted anymore.
I do not seek PMO very often anymore. And I don't even urge for it. It's not that I do it thee times a day like years ago. And I don't do it at work and like that anymore like I have done for many many many years ago.

It made me somehow hopeful and happy. Because I am going in the right direction. And it's getting better and better.
I hope my ex can make it thru her times now. I really really really hope she can manage to take care of herself and enjoy life. That's the only chance for us to be together again. And if she do commit suicide. I don't know what to do. If she does. I will never see her again. I'm not ready for that.

Why is love this hard? Why do I really care?
I don't feel this is fear for loneliness. I feel empethy, I feel that I care, my heart wanna hug her and tell her she is wonderful and deserve a good life. I wanna give her that.

Its hurts so much.

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #202 on: February 18, 2019, 03:42:37 PM »
Day 3!

Ita good.

Woow whay I cried yesterday. It was worth it so I could have a good night sleep.

I working for having a whole weekend without feelings of loneliness.

Right now I hate weekends. All weekend I use the time to deal with anxiety, low self esteem and let my feelings out. So I can start fresh for work.

My ex called again today.

She have really put herself in a difficult situation. And she is really weak. It's clear that she been raped. But her highest concern is not how she will deal with that. It how he would feel if she tell the police.

And I sitting here, looking, and se how lost she is in hear soul. And I just wanna shake her till she wake up from her cloudy eyes. She can't see clear.

And she start to call me, becuse she feel safe with me. I give her rest and love.

I told her the truth. We talked yesterday, and she was doing good. But she choosed to kept contact with the guy and listen to him. She choosed to feel bad today, so she could call me. I told her that is what she always have done and I am not going for that again. I told her she know what she needs to do. And now she can choose to do that or do like she always does. Now is she chance for change. She can't let someone else do the work. It will hurt, it will be tough. But it will be worth it. I belive in you and you are beautiful. He didn't let you down, it was you who didn't showed up for yourself. Now you have a new chance to take care for yourself. Don't care what other say. Do what yiur guts tells you to do. That will heal you!

Wooow, in my most humble way. What a guy I am. What she been put me thru in life. And this is what I do. I pick up the phone and comfort her. I give her love and compassion. I give her strength.

I have told her, that I am afraid of showing her love like that, because she will use that to hit her self. Like she screwed everything up and loose the best guy on earth.

She have said things like that before. And I understand more and more why I was depressed. Becuse I could be myself. I couldnt even be loving and helpful. Becuse she would use that to make hersself feel unworthy. So if I did tell her I loved her. She would say she was not worthy. And if I didn't tell her. She felt unworthy.

I'm happy for my own health that we are not together anymore. But I do really miss the good days when we was dancing around with joy.


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #203 on: February 19, 2019, 02:43:17 AM »
Day 4

A little unbalanced today.

Mom have not yet called me.

And I feel vulnerable. Like I am about to cry.

Have an appointment with therapist today. That will be good I hope

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #204 on: February 27, 2019, 01:48:27 PM »
Day 1 again.

But!

I dont feel so bad about it. And it's not a big deal. That what I feel now. I am not addicted like before. And it's big difference now. I'm single and I don't get any o.

I'm stil human. I can't cut out some emotions.
What I have been fighting is doing it instead of taking care of myself.

To realize that if I'm sad. I need to cry. If I feel lonely, I need to call a friend. If I'm depressed, I need to workout. If I feel worthless, I need to do something for myself.

Its when I do some else then what I feel that makes all the difference and makes life hard.

My mom have stil not called me back, and it makes me sad. She keep on manipulate thru Instagram and facebook.

She know it's a conflict, but she comments hearts on my pics. But she can't lift her phone to call. Like she have promised.

I don't wanna call her and tell her I'm sad. Becuse she already know. And I need to let her be a grown up herself and take care of her own feelings. On the other hand she keeps hurting me when she acts on Instagram like we are good. But can't hang out irl.

I hate fake ppl. And its hurt me alot to have a mom and dad who is fake.

I wanna cry now

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #205 on: March 04, 2019, 11:52:40 AM »
Day 0 again

I'm really sad, I'm about to cry every step I take.
Mom still manipulate and don't wanna answer my questions, cut me off and ghost me.

I feel so Lonley

Georgos

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #206 on: March 04, 2019, 12:14:58 PM »
There are two forms of manipulation, manipulation for self-defence and manipulation for gain. You cannot decide for someone what they should do, you can only every give them choices. Those choices can be hard, or near impossible for them to respond to freely, so in that sense you can have a sense of control, but it is an illusion both on their part and yours. Ultimately both you and the other person have complete free will to choose whichever path you wish to take. In reference to your mom, if she is manipulating out of self-defence then try to understand how you are hurting her, if she is manipulating for gain then all you can do is ignore her or give her what she wants. I really hope it works out with you. Make the choice to travel the path without PMO from now on. You can do it.

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #207 on: March 05, 2019, 05:16:07 PM »
Day 2

I busted out in tears yesterday and realized I wanted something I can't get from my mom. It's so sad.

I talked to my therapist today about the situation. And we came to the conclusion that I need to ignore mom.

She try to gain influence over me and tell me what to do. And she manipulate me to belive I hurt her. And Turn everything around. She makes herself a victim.

Look forward and be clear. That's the goal.


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #208 on: March 09, 2019, 01:22:48 AM »
It was day 4 yesterday, and I was looking at a movie and some hot scenes showed up. Well it was not P. And I wasnt feeling depressed and that. But enden up with MO anyways.

Didn't feel worthless, but I was honest with me and reseted the timer.

So day zero again but this time with better  self esteem.


Mom said last week she needed to sleep and stopped texting to me. Probably she still sleeps because I have not heard anything from her yet.

I probably need to do like I did with wifey, cut all communications and focus on the future. 5 month later she called me and said she was sorry for real. She understood what she had done and the cut off helped her she said.

I need to forgive and go on with life in the same way with mom and dad. Doesn't mean I want them close in my life becuse I forgive them. It means that I realese the anger and relax. It means I take care of myself before I take care off others.




mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #209 on: March 09, 2019, 11:13:36 AM »
I'm sooooo drunk right now.

I'm just wanna leave this planet and be loved. Wooooow it's spinning so hard.

I feel so sad. I want a hug and someone to comfort me. I feel lonely and  need a hug

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #210 on: March 12, 2019, 02:14:21 AM »
Day 0

Made it for three days. This weekend have been by the worst for a long time.

Drunk, crying and just wanted to die.
I texted a friend. Who sent a text to my ex who sent a text to my mom.

She came over with a guy from church and did take a walk with her dog.

The guy have had worked as a firefighter so he knew what he needed to do. He cared. And we exchanged numbers.

Mom called me one day after and said she was sorry for not being truthful to me and shutting me out. She could understand why I felt like that.

I met my friends yesterday, and he did a handshake and moved on. That was what he managed to do. I didn't get sad for that. He did what he could do.

I read some books yesterday about strokes and how people need them to survive, and how we have hunger for strokes. And we need to be touched to b alive.

That's also why I easily end up with PMO.
And that also makes sense, becuse if I stand up against my urge to PMO it ends up falling apart and break to the floor and my hands slowly slowly stroke the surface of something that makes my fingertips feel touched. And it's makes me calm.

I have noticed it many times. And I have wondered about why every time it happens.

No I'm sure about this.

Also, I see why I don't allow myself to get touched.
1. I was sexual abused and being touched is uncomfortable
2. I'm did not get enough gentle, friendly and loving hugs and touches when I was in school. I had no friends I felt close with and assumed I was not good enough for being touched.
3. In teens, my beliefs made me think touching was bad and sexual. And I need to control myself and my feelings.


Why do want to quit PMO. One is to make number 3 right. And be a good Christian believer.

It makes it harder.

I'm worthy a good life and iam loved. Decpite my actions.

I can change actions and behaviors. They don't define me.
This truths makes me stronger.

I also understand what I need to get more of in life. And that's friendly cuddles.


I see now why I cuddled with that girl I talked about in the beginning. I understand why I wanted to meet girls on tinder.
I also understand why I was so sad this weekend. One part was mom issue. The second was that I met this girl in tinder. And I felt we had much in common and I felt I wanted to cuddle and make out. So I told her I felt i wanted more. And she said she didn't felt the same and was to emotional shut off. She didn't want to meet again.

After some thought about I I realized I didn't want kissing and making out. I told her I was wrong and just felt alone becuse of mom.ibsaid I was sorry.

She understood but wasn't comfortable to meet again, becuse it would feel like she couldn't be herself.
Beside that, she had 2 other guys who opened up to her and wanted more recently.

When she said that I understood why she been so afraid and stiff sometimes. She was afraid it would happen again. And she is like me. She need friendly cuddles but don't want a love relationship with someone right now.

Many new perspectives on life.

I also see I do PMO for thee different causes.

1.im sad and need distraction
2. I hunger for strokes / touch
3. I feel horny

And number 1 and 2 happens like 99 times of 100.

Number 3 is manageable

imaquitter

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #211 on: March 14, 2019, 04:35:14 PM »
Don't give up!  :)
First reboot, august 29, 2018 (49d, 3xPMO slip, no binging)
2nd attempt, october 19, 2018 90 days w/o PMO!



HM from 10. feb 19

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #212 on: March 24, 2019, 01:38:25 PM »
Stil Going for max 3 days.

I think it becuse I don't really fighting it right now. And I don't really care so much about it neither. I dont blame myself so much and frankly, I forget about it pretty fast at go on with my life.

I still plan to make it PMO free for life. But I will keep focus on other things more. Becuse when I PMO I really need something else.

Like this weekend. It's the first for really long that I have not cried or felt sad.

I have bought a new car. And have done things this weekend. I took care of my self. Made plans for the future and set up a new schedule. I'm happy and feel it's getting better.

I called my ex wife today. I know she have had a difficult time, so I just called her to let her know she is cared for.
She was happy I called and she talked for over an hour.

She told me she have been with two others guys. And she feel so bad. She let them use her and she feels like trash.

I feel sorry for her. Really. Must be so hurtful to be her right now. I hope se will manage to get life together.

I love her, I do. But I don't like what she do to her self and those around her.

She asked my with tears. Why do you love me after all I have done to you. I replied. I love you, have always and will always do. I love you becuse you are you. I don't like some of the thing you done to me. And I will not tolerate it in the future. Thats have nothing to do with my love for you. My love for you is and will always be.


She said she can't understand how I can love her. And I just said. I understand that you don't understand. My love for you has nothing to do with what you do. I love you as you are.

Shr cried of relief.


Its so sad, that people don't love themselves. And not been taught by their parents how to do that. It so sad and hurting to see those you love, beat themselves and make their own life miserable. I just want to hug them and care for them. My heart gets broken when I think about it.

I'm happy I am on my way to love my self. And doing this journey.

Even if it's long way to go. I still come this far! It's amazing!

The goal is set and I can I will make it!

Tomorrow it's day 1

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #213 on: April 05, 2019, 01:51:31 PM »
It's interesting.

Been a great week and a couple of weeks. I'm heading of for a great life.

Still PMO sure.but so much more in contoll in life. And I know I will make it.

Thee days and I reminded myself I didn't even PMO. Forgot about it completely. I smiled and felt a good caring feeling inside me.

Was going to bed and had difficulty to fall asleep. Ended up with PMO. And I thought, what happened?

Suddenly I realized I had been lurking online to Se pics of my old friend. And when I saw her I got sad.

When I got the connection, I felt relief and could sleep but couldn't sleep good.

To work this morning I pened down my emotions and tried to figure out what trigged me.

And I asked my self. Why did I look up that old friend. Doesn't make sense.

What did happen before that?

And I found it. I was happy and enjoyed life, and I shared a great track with my mom. And she took long time to answer. And when she finally did answer, she asked if it was good. And that she will listen tomorrow.

And I realized I felt like she didn't care about me. And don't want me in her life.

Exactly what I had figured out with my therapist some weeks ago. The days back in my childhood when I went to school sad. I now know why. And that's becuse I was genuinely happy the day before. And when I was spreading the news at home and wanted to tell mom about it. She didn't notice me or confirmed my feelings. So I felt like she didn't saw me.

To make her care for me, I did go to school and ended up in a fight. Crying my way home and there she could hold me in her arms and tell the world how the people did bad things to me. And she got her attention and felt loved becuse I seeked her comfort.

The exact same thing happend a month ago when I felt so sad and she didn't want to tell she was sorry.

I was genuinely happy and enjoyed life. And I told her I wanted her to be with me and share this good time I had, together. I have already told how that happend.

And now. I was genuinely happy agin and she did the same again.

When I understood this. It made sense and clear. And the burden lifted of my shoulder and helped me stay in this good feeling.

Its sad that I need to stay away from my own mom and dad to have a healthy life. But if that's what I need to do, I will do it.

So why did I end up PMO? Like I did when I was young. I was happy but when I told my mom, she did not see me, so I felt worthless and did things, that made me feel it was true, and same time make her see me.

And that what happend this time too. I did something I don't want to do, a bad thing, and if mom would see me doing it, she would react. And any reaction is better then no at all.

This is what is happening inside me. Deep down. Unconsciously.


All this made me remember what a therapist told me when I was arrested when I was 17. "don't worry, it's not your fault, you did this to be seen"

I didn't understand what he mean more than it's deeper stuff to it. And I should not blame myself for it.

And now I see it clearer than ever!

What I do miss, is a relationship with my parants. To be noticed and cared for. I never got that and still looking for validation.

I need to stop this and start to enjoy life. And get stronger to withstand moms manipulation.

Day 1 again. Will make it this time!

imaquitter

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #214 on: April 10, 2019, 04:32:55 PM »
Don't give up my friend :)
First reboot, august 29, 2018 (49d, 3xPMO slip, no binging)
2nd attempt, october 19, 2018 90 days w/o PMO!



HM from 10. feb 19

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #215 on: May 12, 2019, 08:38:18 AM »
It's really different this time.

Somehow I don't really care about it. Before, when I was married. I had someone else to live for. And it made me fight. I had a dream I wanted to achieve with her.

Now, when single, I don't really feel that PMO is bad, and make me a bad person or so. And I feel tjat i dont really want to stop it right now.

It doesn't make any big part i my life. Don't think about it, it's just the minutes before I go to sleep, I PMO. No guilt about it. I just relax. Forget about it and go on with life!

I think it's a kind of good think. I'm a step ahead. Becuse I have got rid of the anxiety, guilt part I have read about that when you are religious, u you feel bad and it hinders you to recover. It makes you feel dumb, and worthless and in a downward spiral.

What I have been focusing on last month is to stay happy. And keep bad relationships away. So I have put my mom on hold. And I feel great. She doesn't understand, so she push herself into my life. And I keep telling her she can't to that. Shshe keep saying I'm making her sad whnn I tell her the truth. I keep telling her that it's not my problem tjat she is feelings sad when I tell her she did me wrong. I will not ask for forgiveness because I express my feelings and tell her she have step over me.

She did not say she was sorry and took the role of the victim again. Haven't talked to her for a week. And today we were invited to the same dinner. When I heard she was invited to, I got a stone in my stomach. And today I woke up with anxiety. The friends called me and texted me, wondering where I were. I texted back and told the truth.

I told him I was sorry for not telling him the truth. And it was not anything against them. I told him I don't want to meet my mom becuse she is not good for me and she will not accept that or change anything. And I don't want to play any games and act like everything is good when it's not. I said I would like to meet them another day.

He said he understood and it was alright!
It was a relief, and I was happy I managed to tell him the truth. I was scared and had anxiety. Becuse I am mad at my mom and she don't want to deal with it.

When that was clear in my head. I saw it was the same behavior with my ex. She did the same games and I was not allowed to speak up and tell the truth. Its not good between us. And she, instead of dealing with the real thing, acted more to do the right things. Dishes, kisses me, and so on. But she never opened up.

All this with mom, mad eme of course feel a bit sad. I didn't fel it really. It didn't make me lowly, or depressed. I didn't even thought about it really. Only when I saw her like my pics o  on Instagram. That's how she been communicating with me. A like.

So what happend with me? What did all this made me do? Of course PMO. Not in any way like I forced me to it. But I can somehow now after se some sort of link and connecttuon to it.

But also, I have talked/flirted with some girls in a dating app. I am good lookin, and I'm not a jerk online nor to girls. So have over 60 matches now and talking to many of them. And I had a second date yesterday. She invited me for some Netflix and chill. We took a glas of wine and beer first.

And I know I maybe shouldn't do this, but I also felt I needed tto. Some feelings in me wanted to explore and learn more about these emotions. In a grown up sense of a way.

She have been single for some months, and we both felt the same. We wanted some closiness and just cuddle. She was open and communicated freely.

It was a strange feeling. We talked about it we felt the same. We wanted to cuddle. But was afraid of making the other one sad. Don't want to promise anything, don't want to build up a deep relationship and so on.

I told her it's really confusing inside. What do I want. Is it cuddle, sex, intimicy, and can I get this without hurting any one.

I told her, if she wanted to lay her head on my chest it was OK. And took her hand. And said it was Allright.

She nooded, was quite, and after a minute, she moved and layed on my chest.

We talked about how it felt and so one. Really really open communication. Like we was on a adventure together, and tried to figure things out.

We both agreed we liked it but felt like we did something wrong. She had been in a five year long relationship, and somehow she was still into him. But she said he had moved on, and she felt that she could do that too, she didn't felt she was hurting him anymore. But still, be with one person for many years, makes it feel like it's a big NO NO to cuddle someone else.

It took some time, we both was scared, stiff, difficult to relax, but we kept cuddle. And talking about what we wanted and howe felt about things. And agreed on that we don't need to think so much. And we don't need to be afraid of hurting each other if we choose to only have this moment.

Soon we got more relaxed and her cat made some noises, we looked at the cat, and when she turned her had back to me, she was like 2 cm from my lips. I stayed there for a like a life time. And she waited, and finnaly made the decision. She opened her lips and we started to make out.

It ended up in the bed and with some big smiles I leaved her apartment some hours later.


What did I learn.  Sooo much.

1. I'm not bad, people like me for who I am.
2. It brake my spell, that I thought I w as doing wrong. I didn't got any bad rep. She didn't say I was doing wrong etc. I felt like the big deal I have had inside me somehow vanished.
3. It's possible to enjoy life, be responsible, and have fun with oother people as long as both are Okey with it.

So many good things.


I also fully understand now that my old friend I been cuddling with when I was married. She was acting like this girl I hooked up with. Now I rellly really see it clearly that she wanted me. And I also see now why mu old friend is acting like she do now. She don't want to take responsibility for her own acts. She say "I feel bad for what you did to me"
That is like this girl's I met yesterday would have been mad at me becuse she wanted to have sex becuse we cuddled. A and this made me even more sure and will stand firm even more in that question in the future.

And to the big final of wisdom from this experience.
It was clear that I suffer from PIED now. It didn't not make me feel ashemd, and it didn't matter to her neither. I made her O, she was happy. She said noone have made her O that fast and she did it multiple times. She even said. "Wooow, why are you so good at this" lol.

So all this made me confident, it also made me feel that sex is not that important, it made me feel that I truly have left my ex in the past, and have moved on with life. And I made me really really do care about my PMO. Next time I'm with a girl, I want to feel it, I want to have a better experience for my self. So this made me really get into more serious business abut my life and goals. Becuse I don't want to miss out a good time becuse it's only semi hard and is not useful. Lol.

I'm this case. It was no shame and she didn't care. We had talked but P and laughed abut how we use it after break ups and so on. And I could tell her when it happen, I'm sorry I don't have control over it, and this happen becaed of to much PMO last couple of months.

It took some time and it woke up later

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #216 on: May 13, 2019, 03:46:30 PM »
I see that my post did leave out a lot. Did I wrote to long?
Probably.

Doesn't matter.

Today it's a new day and I'm happy!

Now when I was going to bed I felt like I wanted to PMO. Just a little bit. And I realized. No I don't want to. It's just my body who remember what it usually does before bedtime.

So now I'm going for a sleep and wake up tomorrow.

I feel energized now. Some new decisions in lif and I will keep this now. Keep going forward.

zazen

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #217 on: May 13, 2019, 11:15:38 PM »
Thank you for your journal. I just took 2 hours reading it from the beginning. Couldnt stop when I got started.. you speak of things that made me think deeply. Thank you for sharing all you have.
You inspired me, and gave me a lot of indsight in ways I need to change as well.

First, I am glad you never did any self harm, despite being low throughout a lot of hard and challenging times. I felt your pain when you described about being alone, emptyness etc. you have been through a lot, but each time you picked yourself up and never gave up. The stuff you go through is not easy stuff man.. please, clap yourself on the shoulder from me, as I think you are doing great. Keep it up

Find it amazing how in touch you are with your self, how you can see you basically just need genuine love, compassion and connection, and root cause never was PMO stuff but that was just an easy remedy to release feelings, that were in a cage so to say..

Good that you are moving onwards and forward. Great job!
You seem like a great person and Im rooting for you to stay on the right path.

You got this!

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #218 on: May 14, 2019, 12:51:22 AM »
Thank you for your journal. I just took 2 hours reading it from the beginning. Couldnt stop when I got started.. you speak of things that made me think deeply. Thank you for sharing all you have.
You inspired me, and gave me a lot of indsight in ways I need to change as well.

First, I am glad you never did any self harm, despite being low throughout a lot of hard and challenging times. I felt your pain when you described about being alone, emptyness etc. you have been through a lot, but each time you picked yourself up and never gave up. The stuff you go through is not easy stuff man.. please, clap yourself on the shoulder from me, as I think you are doing great. Keep it up

Find it amazing how in touch you are with your self, how you can see you basically just need genuine love, compassion and connection, and root cause never was PMO stuff but that was just an easy remedy to release feelings, that were in a cage so to say..

Good that you are moving onwards and forward. Great job!
You seem like a great person and Im rooting for you to stay on the right path.

You got this!



Wooooow, you don't understand what those words mean to me I really appreciate it alot and felt that clap on my shoulder.

Two hours? I thought I would read it one time, but I have not managed too, it's to emotional for me still. But I'm so happy to hear that it inspired you and made you get some connections within yourself!

Together we will get this!

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #219 on: May 15, 2019, 02:51:48 PM »
On day number 5 now.

Thats like amazing.

Past 5 months I have not passed three days. I have not really bothered. But anyway. OK. I did one 40 day streak. But mostly it been 1 or 2 days last half a year.

Today I read a cool article. About how to know if a girl find you attractive. And one of 20 signs was that she get into your energy. Mostly positive. But also, it the article said it can be negative energy too. Like.

When a girl text you and call you names, say she is over you and are so happy without you...
The article said. If that's true, the girl would not bother to take energy and time to text that.

And when I read that it made even more clearer. And I got further away from the victim position. The girl who hurt me so much before and leaved me. And have been ignoring me and so on. When she started to play games again, I quit to answer her, and she sent me an email for like a month ago. Tell me she felt sad, and that was becuse of what I have done to her. And more or less blamed me for what she felt...
When I got that, I was paralyzed, crying, couldn't sleep. And so on.

When I read the article. About a girl will try to get you attention. And will use the negative energy if she not get the attention. I felt how it was a turnpoint inside

Not that I want her in my life, or wanna pursue her. No way! I don't want drama queens in my life. It only lifted of some feelings of feeling like a victim. And I also saw the red thread. That she have always tried to get my attention, and she got it, every time, when I was hunting her silent treatment, to work hard to be friends again. To have her close. That was what she wanted. She felt she got attention when I did anything to be with her. And now when she don't get that anymore. And I have not moved a inch to win her over. She probably feel frustrated. I'm not playing with her anymore.


Yesterday I talked to my therapist together with a small group. During the session, it was my time to talk about how my last week's have been. And when I was telling about a situation with my mom, the therapist interrupted me, and said something, and talked in a way that he knew what was going on, and that I have missed something important.

I got mad, and as usual, when I get mad, I swallow in and don't realize I'm angry. After he interrupted, he kept going. I was quite all session. And 5 min before it was going to end he turned to me a said they will take some time for me. And asked how I felt.

I had during the session, felt a tension in my legs, and that's the first sign I notice, I have dammed up anger in my body. So I analyzed where, when, what and why it started. I figured out it was during the session and when the therapist interrupted me, and acted like he Schould save me or help me with the issue.

BUT

This is the nice part. When I said I was angry, he again had assumptions. They was not accurate. So I told him. No you are wrong. And told him how it was, how I managed to get thru it and that I got mad during the session. And my problem is that I don't allow my self to let it out when I feel it.

He said he was sorry, and did wrong. And he thanked me for letting him know.

I walked away with a smile.

And I have made up a decision today. I will pause my spiritual journey. I feel like I need to make this side trip. Not so much to enjoy life and do bad things. It's more about letting my inner child play, have fun and do some wrong things, and I can let it out, and I can tell him. It's Okey, I trust you. And when the inner child within me will fell like he did something wrong, regret, and humble himself, I can hug him and give him all the love he need.

I will give him all that love and respect, I didn't get as a child myself.

So I do this, so I can be the one I truly wanna be.
And when I made this decision, I felt free.

I also know why it's been hard to make this decision. It's becuse I belive i will make my mom sad and she will leave me.

The decision thou, isn't official, I have not told anyone. And I belive, if I do. It's the opposite. It will only trigger more games. And they will try to rescue me and help me make a second decision.

The decision I have made is not really to pause or leave my belief of God. It's more about get more in tune inside, so I can be more genuine and true in the future.

And I have a scripture that helps me belive its the right decision. It's Paul's words about Christians who make different decisions in some matters are both right. AS LONG AS THEY DO IT IN FAITH. And that's what I feel is my motivation. I do this to take the next step, to explore, to be better. To grown.

I'm not a rebellion, I try to figure out life, and my heart. I'm working to get rid of what's not me, and building up what good for me.

Today I also made the decision to block one more on instagram. It was both sad and a relief. It sad becuse it should not have to be like that. And good, becuse I don't need to have hers negative energy in my life.

And it was my mom. So from now, she will not be able to se my posts and I will not see hers.

Its getting better and better. I need to keep negative people from my life!

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #220 on: May 17, 2019, 01:06:48 PM »
Day number 7


Now it's weekend. Always the hardest to deal with.


Trying to figure out what I want to do.

Mostly I wanna just laugh and have fun with anyone.
Don't know who thou.

I need to be careful, and not seek out someone to just make me feel noticed. And end up "noone wants me"

I wanna get to know some new people. That's what I want.

That's also a fine line. To get out there, being spontaneous and find some alike who are open enough to meet and chat.

And I don't want to spend my weekend just looking for someone to meet.

Balance. It's Okey if I end up alone. I will have stuff to do.
I saw some saxophones on IG yesterday, and I felt I wanted to start playing again. Maybe I will do that.

Next weekend I will join a open air rave party.

At work it's fun, they have starterd a competition. And I will win it. The first price is a vip ticket to Metallica.

Not really my genre but will enjoy it anyway!
Will go with someone who win on the the other team. I don't know who. In my team it is 100% it's going to be me.
I'm been in the first place from day one and keep adding upto my numbers.

zazen

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #221 on: May 17, 2019, 04:22:33 PM »
Hey, just wanted to comment on some things I read.

Quote
Past 5 months I have not passed three days. I have not really bothered. But anyway. OK. I did one 40 day streak. But mostly it been 1 or 2 days last half a year.
You are on day number 7 now!.. Try not to compare your day #7 with your 40-day streak or anything from the past. Those are bygones. You are here now my friend and #7 can turn into #10.. and before you know it the snowball is rolling.

I can tell we have some similarity in the loneliness part.. we really want to show ourselves and meet new people .. but have some fear of getting rejected, hurt by people. I am the same... but my conclusion is.. some people may have hurt us in the past, and that hurt can fill us up ,, so bad that we think that people in the future might hurt us just as bad. The thing is, all people are different, all situations are different.. this very moment you are reading these words.. you have never ever experienced before, a totally new moment and you would never guess i'd write yellow elephant right now, right?.. =) .. see..  its the same with new people we might meet ahead of us. We have never ever met them before, and sure enough, we can get surprised on a positive note. Hell, that person or the next could be a person that would treasure you for all that you are.

For the part with your mother. I dont know the full story, but what I do know is you are burying some feelings and rejecting your mother .. for something that maybe she fully isnt aware of. maybe she cant help it. maybe her mother or father brought her up in a way so he learned whatever behaviour you feel you are not getting. As you wrote me, compassion and love is the better way remember?.. Maybe, just maybe.. there could be a way you could forgive your mother... maybe just maybe, you could do something totally opposite of what she would expect,, maybe bring her flowers.. why? just because.. why not.. she held you in her arms and gave you life when you were a baby... she cared for you. Yea maybe some things got screwed up along the way, but she is still your mother.Maybe there was a way there to act with love and compassion. Maybe she needs the same as you do, ever thought of that?.. Who else than her son would be better to receive love from.

Sorry I did not mean to give unsolicited advice.. i often do that to people. I just wanted to invite you to think about the opposite side as well.

I really like your technique of speaking to your inner child. I have done this as well, and strange enough, that somehow works.. like, its like speaking to the subconscious and it responds.. When I do this process, usually my inner child answers with things it's afraid of.. I mentor him and tell him stuff like "can you see nothing happened, and you are ok." "did you ever think about the problem wasnt you, but it they were shy etc". stuff like that. I works wonders, well at least for me.. I need to do it more - thnx for reminding me ))

I like you have plans to keep yourself active.. maybe have a look at meetup.com and find something with a low-bar. Like, attend a 1h meditation group. There is little commitment to that. and maybe you'll find someone that is into saxophones.

btw, regarding IG.. man, that shit can really trigger you. I dont know with you but images of women everywhere there. I deleted mine. Hated seeing people with "perfect" lifes and women flashing how "perfect" they are.. I felt I was missing out and made me feel more lonely and sad. If you can manage it, that is good. I couldnt so it had to go.

.... #7.. next up #10... as I have full confidence in you being able to control your emotions this weekend. I think you will be aware of you'r triggers more ,,  send it love and acknowledge that feeling are here now, but will soon go away. Invite them. Let them try to convince you to go back to old ways, but this time,, talk to the urges.. tell them with love, that they are welcome to stay here for a while, but you are releasing them. thank them for being there, they are not there to harm you.. show them compassion.

not sure if it makes sense)).. it might work,, who knows =)
have a great weekend

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #222 on: May 18, 2019, 11:10:44 AM »
Today I get a reminder on my phone!

First 7 days goal!


It made me smile and feel confident!


I have been reading and meditating today. Also met some new girls over an app and website, maybe a date it comminhg up? :)

Also, one girl, I only have met like twice. Sent me a dm on telling me she seen my ex on IG change name and asked me if we hav separated.

It made me angry. So I answered her why she didn't ask the person who made the change wvu she did it? And why ask something like that, you don't know what hurt feelings you will rip. And I told her isn't it more important to focus on your own life, instead of what other people do or don't do.

She answer she was sorry and only wanted to show compassion.

I dont know. It just doesn't feels correct.

I replied that I was thankfully for her being nice, but I have not got genuine compassion since the divorce. And I'm fed up with all the old friends who never call or care. Who obly contact me to be curious and ask what happend. And than never hear from them again!

And i started to cry.

And now it starts again.

She said she wanted to live her life with me when we married. And she said she was sorry afree first time cheating.
And afree second time. She said she wanted to make it good this time.
She said she was sad, sorry and been an asshole.

I told her that I forgave her, I told her tjat I want to live my life with her. But I can't live a life with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I told her I need to let her go, and if she loves me, she will come back.
If she doesn't, I need to go on with my life.

After the divorce I know she been with to guys. And now she changed her namne back to what it was before married.

Its fucking painful. I let her go, and she walks away, and I have difficulties to let go of her. I want her in my arms. I just want to hold her tight.

I can't write any more. I can't see the screen beacuseuof the tears.

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #223 on: May 19, 2019, 06:04:33 AM »
Counter past 8 for two hours ago. So I'm going after day 9 now.

I feel strange inside. I feel a bit sad, alone and both in control and positive.

One part feels like  "noone wants me" but I also here a voice "I'm here, it's Okey, we do this together"

Its like I have contact with my feelings but my child is trying to do a revolt.


Been thinking about about it. And I guess what my inner child really is telling me is.

"will you do like mom did to me?"

My new inner caring parant, answer
"it's Okey, I'm here, you did the right choice, I will not leave you or betray you. I will love you and care for you what ever you feel. I will hold you in your arms"

The inner child Dont know how to respond to this calm and loving voice. It's new, and it's uncomfortable. I feel how the inner child want to open up but is till afraid.

My inner parant just hold my child in the arms. Dontb push anything.

That's the key here I guess.

My mom have always been punching me when I'm low, sad or angry. She don't want me to feel like that so she do everything she can, but not what she need to do, to make me be happy. Becuse happy is the only thing my mom can do. Not genuine happy. But smile, talk and fake it.

Like every time she make me sad. And I tell her not do do that to me. Not making me sad, but the thing that she do that don't respects my privacy. She say she is sorry, but she do t understand or feel it. So she fake it's all good. Becuse she can't allow her self to see its not good relationship with her own kids. And now she trying to sweep in under the carpet.

It maybe sounds like I'm bitter. I'm not. It's that I don't want to live a fake life.
If there is energy draining in a relationship you need to fix that. You can't spend time with someone who just do it becuse it's looks good. Right.

And that's how it is with my family and my old friend.
They are alike. They don't want to understand how they hurt me. So they do it over and over and over again.

I am not selfish for taking care of my own health first.
And it's not that I don't love my old friends. I do. But I can't have them in my space if all they do is draining my energy.

What I do work on right now. Is to make it possible to be around people who are Ike that and don't let their energy spill over on me.


Like when I visited my friend, that girl, and her family last year. She said and her parant said it was all forgetten and wanted to keep in touch.

But when I was there I felt the energy. It was strange. And like I said some days ago, that girl, she probably wanted me to take on her energy. When I didn't she tried even harder.

I have quit playing games with her. I remember how our paths crossed the morning when we were about brushing our teeth. I felt her anger when she passed me.
And I have not been talking to her or even touched he all time I was with the family.

She was angry at me for not give her attention? Or becuse of things I have done long time ago, and we have talked about, but she obviously not have let stay in the past.
I'm not bitter. But why Schould I ever want to have that kind off person in my life?

One who one tells me she wants to hang out, and one day don't even talk to me for no reason at all.

Another old friend of mine called yesterday. He wanted to meet. I don't want to meet him really. He is like the same. He don't listen. I tried my best to avoid playing his games. He didn't ask to hang out. He asked if I wanted to meet him. Like  "do you like me?"

That's the same as mom do. And that's why it makes me so angry.

Mom or grandma hugs me and say. I love you. And the energy they say it with is. "why don't you hug me, don't you love me?"

I don't hug back. Becuse I feel like a teddybear. It's not genuine.

I do get that all this is probably becuse I'm the first born in the family. Both first child of mom and dad. Only child fom dad. And I'm the first grandchild from both sides.

And mst of my family had problems. And I was only a little happy kid with alot of energy. And everyone wanted me in their lives, becuse with me they felt real again and could have some time to get relief from their own stress.

They "used me" as medication. And I guess that's why I'm so good at feeling all this energies and comfort people. That's what I have been doing all my life.

And that's make me feel strange when I do things I want myself. And now I help myself get trough my teenage years with my own loving and caring inner parant.

What I wanted when I was a teen, was a parant who did not tell on me, or acted like the things teens do, is bad and wrong.

I wanted a parant who helped me guide through the emotions and feelings I had. Someone I could open up to.

I remember a strange night about this. My mom kissed me good night. I was about 10-12 and she said. "soon you will get into a agrspan with alot of new emotions and feelings, and it's important to talk about it, and I want you to know u can talk to me about anything"

I felt happy happy at first. And it also made me think ablut what she mean. And I also felt that she was worried. I didn't understand. During the years that come. I didn't feel that I could talk to her.

I remember one time when I been looking at P in school. It was a day I went to school when it doesn't was any schoolday. I had forgot about it. I waited for the bus hole again and eneden up surfing around.. A teacher caught me. He was kind.

I guess he told my mom, she was gentle when I came home. But I remember this special effort from her.

"did you watch it for long?"

No, not really, maybe 20 min, was my answer

Her reply

"wow, that was a long time!"

And it got all stiff in the air. I felt sad, bad, and walked away. We never talked more that day.


She do the same thing today. Some weeks ago we talked abut my friend and how she now brought up the past again.
And my mom asked me how old my friend was when she was close to me.

I said 14-16.

Her only answer was again

"wow that was young"

And I felt, sad, bad, guilt, low again.


I want to change this. Not her. But my inner voice.

I want me to tell myself.

"I see and understand you felt tjat way, that's not strange at all, its Okey, how did you feel when you did what you did? That feelings you having can help you and guide you in life. Trust them!"


I'm tjat way i would have learnt that my feelings was right, but the behavior is not. And knew how to deal with it.
And I wouldn't feel guilt for having feelings.

Ober and outm time for some reading and planing for next month.


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #224 on: May 20, 2019, 11:44:55 AM »
Going for day 10 now!

No urges for PMO at all.

That's great.

Not strange, I am connecting with people outside the screen. I'm building up new relationships.

I flirt with girls and have like 5 dates with different girls.

I am doing something good. It's a bit fun. To have your phone getting texts from girls. Asking how I am doing. They invite me home to them.

Before I just would have take a step back and told myself it's wrong!

Now I tell myself. It's Okey to meet new people. And it's OK to eat dinner or lunch. I am in no obligation to do anything.

We are adults, meeting for first time and have some fun.

I am easy going thou. Good looking. I know how to talk and make girls laugh. And my fear is that they fall in love with me. That's why I always have had toned down myself.

But now, I will stop do that. I will bloom like a flower. I want to be myself. And if tjat means that other will like me or even fall for me. That's not my problem.

I will not use that for my advantage. And be mean. But I don't want to let it hinders me for having the best life ever.

Like some girls said on the app. I'm looking for the man of my life. But why wait in distress to that day, I will have fun until I meet him.

I like that sort of. We are adults and grownups. If it's ons, and nothing personal, or emotional. It's alright.

I am feeling it's a lot to learn here.

And I am doing all this being present. And if they only want ons with me. I don't bother.

This is a turnpoint. Because in the past I would have been thinking.

Did I do anything wrong. Didnt she like me. What should I change.

Now I feel, I'm good and now what I am doing. If a girl doesn't know what she is doing. It's her problem. Not mine.

No drama here. I can walk away.

This is really making me feel strong and confident. And that also makes me shine even more.

I will keep this track. And I will enjoy life. And I will keep grow.
I feel I'm happy for the first time in my life dour long. And my protection is high.

I sent a text to the girl I was with last week. Becuse I felt she have not texted me. And I don't want to have it in the air. Better to know she don't want to se me anymore. It all rlggrpfor me. Becise I know now for sure. It's not about me. I am likeable and what ever my old friend or other people say. I did not make those people sad. They did it themselves. They played the victim. And they wanted me to rescue them.

I did, and they wanted more. It was never enough. Draining my energy. It's stop with that shit now! I will not tolarate that in my life.

I need to set the boundaries and tell others about them!

Let's se how this will be!