Author Topic: First relapse  (Read 18565 times)

Galoobigboi

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #150 on: January 16, 2018, 02:45:29 PM »
Keep it up man.Hold steady,you got this.Your brain is playing tricks on you.Try and nit stress about it.
I read that for some people,it takes well over a year sometimes so that your brain gets it shit together.
Give it time,and hold fast.
You got this.

mobilfreak

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Calm and sleep
« Reply #151 on: January 17, 2018, 06:38:10 PM »
Wow what an amazing experience.

Yesterday i felt sad and I knew i need to take time for myself. I had difficulties to really get in touch with myself and I tried to cry. Some feelings did came out but I also felt some tension in my legs. I thought to myself. "i read for a couple of weeks ago this is the feeling of anger." but I am so ashamed of being angry. I feel like its wrong. Several reasons. But the number one is that i made a decision to not be angry like my dad. I always felt sad when he was, and when I was about 12 i promised myself to not let other people feel that way. So I did not let anger take me from that time.
Also Im raised in a family were anger is not Okey to show.

Lately i came to understanding that anger is good for you. Its a way to say. You did hurt me and dont do that again to me. Its a way to show love for yourself and show other people were your line is.

Well, back to yesterday, i noticed my tensions and I started to do the 4,7,8 breathing exercise. You know breath in counting to 4,hold to 7 and breath out counting to 8. It makes your body calm and relaxed. And suddenly after only one loop. I started to cry. But I hold it in. And needed to do two more. And i just started to scream out loud, kick and stomping on the floor. Finally i was here and now.

I dont really know what made me that angry. But someone  somewhere probably said something to me that i swollowed.

Then i went home. To bed. I thought to my self i wanted to hug my wife, but I woke up by she telling me we had visitors from a company that will install broadband in our house. I stod up, ate breakfast, went to bed again, said to my wife i wanted to hug her yesterday but I fell asleep. She smiled and came to bed to hold me. I woke up a sec when she later kissed me on the cheek and said good bye. I mumbled good bye and fell asleep again.

Then i woke up with a snatch, WHAT TIME IS IT?
It was 20 minutes until my shift at work starts, and I have a 30 min Drive to work. My phone was completely dead and I hurried to work.

On the way to work, i analized what happend and I was so happy. I had been sleeping for about 13 hours!!! And it was Wooooow great. I skeptisk without any stress, anxiety or tensions in my body and it made me feel great!

No Im tired again. 8 hours a wake.  I think have a lot of sleep to catch up. :)


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #152 on: January 18, 2018, 07:20:34 PM »
Just found a short YouTube clip about emotions and what happens if we don't deal with them.. PMO is one of them

https://youtu.be/b197XOd9S7U

mobilfreak

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Keep focus forward
« Reply #153 on: January 20, 2018, 04:19:31 PM »
Day 163 going for 164 in 2 hours. This is great. Been feeling great some days now. Keep focus

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #154 on: January 24, 2018, 06:43:41 PM »
Day 167

No urges at all. But Im still lonely and sad.

Its difficult to stay hete and now. Its hard to stay in motivation for life.

I have to much inner pain to take care of. Every day i always get some sort of flashback to thing stuff people hav said during the years.

It makes me sad and feel lonely. I need to forgive and love. I need to move on. I need to work it through. Not only Run from it....

Sigh

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #155 on: January 26, 2018, 12:27:13 AM »
Why is it so hard?


I dont get it. I want to come back to my church now when I have been clean for so long. But they will it understand me or my emotions. I got dissfellowed for over a year ago. Not because i did PMO. Because i did PMO and did not regret my sins. Well thats what they thought. I was just sad because they did not listen to my crying help.

Now i have moved and try to come back i again have an elder who does not want to understand how i feel. So instead of saying i have done a great job by my own with 165 days. He say i need to be in church more often. I say to him that i do visit every time Im feeling good enough. He insists that i should go even when Im not feeling top. Because its in the church God can give holy spirit.

Next meeting i feel something is going on inside me, but I go to church anyway. I listen to the elder. After only 15 minutes i someone say something about showing love and its inportant to dont critizes, because when u do that people ger discourgared. And explained that Jesus, when  he died, told the theif about good stuff and encoraged him to belive.

It made me feel so sad, i have asked several people for help, I have begged for someone to listen  to me, who can help me lift off this burden off my shoulders.

I just wanted to start cry, but I hold it in. I  my head i heard the elders voice echoing. "be presence and take part of the holy spirit". I started to wet my eyes. But I hold it in. I started to stare, i lost connection with myself. I just sat and stared in the ground. When it was finnished i got to the car and Drive home. I wanted to cry. But I got stuck in my phone and some music.

My wife came home. And she started to do exactly what she DONT should do. I just closed and shut down. And as I have wrote before. When  Im sad, my wife dont comfort me, she start to play psychilogical games. Trying to resurser me and take care of me. Not Holding Space. She gives me food, and pet me on the shoulder, and say "you are Okey" and then sit quite. And then she start to get angry on me because i dont talk.

I know she been sad for 5 days, and I know she have fleed to face her emotions. Every time i brought it up, she have changed subjekt. But now, when Im really down and sad, she do what ever neccisery to get attention again. Becuse i can give it when  Im sad.

I know and have the knowledge to see all these things. So I step out of my sadness to comfort her for real. She play harder until she have all the attention from me. She cry out and release her tensions. Then she fall asleep calm lysande stressfree.

I just sit there. Empty, still sad, alone, no one who care about me, i am only good to have. I try to fall a sörpla but can't. I get on and off on the phone. I start to search random subs pics. Notice what I do. Quit and try to sleep. Then open the phone again.

Wife snoore loudly

I get on the phone, and then off again.

I know what I need to to. I need to cry. Its Okey. Someone hurted me, and I did  listen to someone advice who dont understand whats best for me.

Now Im in my car. Again. I dont know if I going to kill myself or what to do. I feel it all the way up to the nose. Can't breath. Its heavy. No one listen, no one care. Everyone uses me.

I need to leave my wife and I need to get a new life. But I can't dl that and have a clean  consoius towards God. Im stuck in the middle. Trying my best to get out the mud and scream for help.

How can people be so cruel?

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #156 on: January 28, 2018, 06:36:01 PM »
Back on track again

Day 172 now!!

I did read in an article about lonliness. The advice was to talk to God about it and your friends. I dont have any friend i can open  up for. But I tried to make a preyer. And in the first Word that came out my mouth, i just bursted out crying. It felt so good.

Then i notice, i was not where i wanted within myself. Still had some feelings to acknowledge. I did found out when I feel depressed, sad and need to cry (and the PMO urges starts) i am i  a state explained in Transactual Analyzis as "Im not Okey - you are Okey". I feel like everyone else have a great life and mine doesn't matter. I want to feel Okey, so I start to look for external ways to prove Im Okey. I hunger för strokes. I want people to see me, and love me, and if they dont do that genuinly, i start to look online for girls to talk to. And want them to want me...

But when I cry, and start to comfort myself. When I looking for internal ways to prove Im Okey. I start to cry and heal.

After that... It should be "Im Okey - you are okey", but its not. The i go to "Im not Okey - you are not Okey". I start to get bitter of the person who wronged me, and Im sad that i dont feel like I can forgive then. The anger start to raise but I hold it in. Bearly noticeable. In this state i can live for long time. Its here my normal state is. Here i do the right things. I uses will power to get ahead. I rarely feel happiness (feelings are hold back and close off becuse of the anger i bult up and not really noticed, and ashamed of having) and its a ticking bomb until someone will wrong me again and I have the feeling "it not worth it, see how hard I try, but Noone likes me anyway, i give up".

From here i NEED to get to the  "Im Okey - you are Okey" state. And to get to that staten i just sit down and think about these questions.

Who do I want to be?
How do i want to deal with this anger?
What would i say to my Childen, if I had any, so they could learn to deal with this emotions?
Why do I want to change?

After these kind of questions, a strong feeling builds up within. A feeling that i want to be a loving person, want to forgive other people and genuinly give them attention, even if they wronged me. They did not know they hurted me and they dont see it if I tell them. I dont need to explain for them, i only need to forgive them. Not for them, but for my own health.

And from that point. I get allt of energy. I want to do stuff, i start to dream and set up goals. I have hope for the future and can give other people energy and love. And i feel genuinly happy.


Its easy to say now, when I feel this great. Just do it.

The good thing is that i know its possible to find internal trust and solutions. I know that my PMO urges are only in my thoughts, and I can rewire them like this.

What I know feel is hard and take a lot of energy is that it takes a lot of time to do all these steps. It takes some sleep away. And i have some things in life i need to do, even if Im sometimes feel like a black little spot under a stone and dont want to come out. Thats the hard part for me. To make all the efforts needed to get in the zone.

Im happy thou. I can not only make myself travel like this inside me, but I also have some sort of understanding and words to communicate it to others in a way that people can learn from this and also get help and find inner strength.

Still fighting, but not in a negative way. Now it gives me energy :)

And I have even bought tickets to Tomorrowland this summer. This is madness! I bought tickets for a festival and I did it because i wanted to go. I dont remember when I did a thing for myself last time.

Its 180 days to the festival, so it will be a great celibration of almost a year without PMO (351 days when the festival is)

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #157 on: February 01, 2018, 06:48:13 PM »
Day 176!!!

Whoop Whoop.

I begin to notice some really good things in my rehab. I saw a movie (total recall) and noticed how my look on women have changed. There was no tigger i  the movie, but I noticed how the female actors was acting and filmed like they were objects. And i did not like that.

I also realized, these women, said yes to the rolls so its on theirs shoulders.

Its a big victory towards a normal and sound view of females. Something i have been difficult really manage to see, because of my early years of being in contact with sex.


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #158 on: February 06, 2018, 06:46:23 PM »
Day 181


Still going strong!

New energy and new focus on the future!

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #159 on: February 12, 2018, 07:29:15 PM »
Day 187


I think I have pretty much rebooted now. There is no urges for PMO at all. And when I start to feel like I did before when I wanted PMO, I instead think I need to cry, let go of anger, or only calm down  and have some self time.

I still cry a lot. It's still the same. Someone makes me sad and I don't notice it until hours or days later.

I'm also happy to say that my screen time is more and more less. I ha e used a game to flee my feelings too. And I noticed some days ago I was going to play the game when I felt good, and I felt like it was damageing me if I would play. So I leaved the tablet and did something else so I could keep my good feelings and motivation for life.

Looking forward to reach 200days soon :)

mobilfreak

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Day 197
« Reply #160 on: February 23, 2018, 05:59:24 PM »
Im sitting in my car. Empty inside. Alone. Feeling like I want someone to talk to. I need someone who listen to me when I went my inner feelings. I need someone who dont judge me. I need someone who hold Space for me.

I have my phone in my hand, my body wants to call someone, i want to talk with someone and let my tears out. I want to fall in someones arms and just cry, and hear the Word. "its Okey, Im here for you, let me take hold you"

I have some names in my head i think i want to call. And when I think about these people and these names, i understand that they will not be there for me. They will not understand and I dont even know if they real care.

My chest is tight, my arms too. I feel how my body try to hold back the sorrow. I want to let it out. But I dont have anyone to call.

Those i want to call, they have also Caused me a lot of pain, and I dont know if Im ready to let them into my life again. I have my guard up and its really hard to be here and now.

I know that if I do t get this put of my body soon, my urges  will grow and i will go in the oppositewway then I want to.

Soon 200days from PMO. Seen some subs, but have always clicked close when I realized what was going to happy. So I would say i am doing great.

I hope i could get these tears out now and relive my pain once more. I hate it thou, because it really do feel like pain, pain from within. Its much harder to cope with then I ever felt from traumas like broken bones, surgery or other stuff. I

I think i will text my therapist, he is the only one i can feel like I can open up for.

The only thing i want is someone who loves me for the one i am, and do t judge me.

See you

chiefmitch88

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #161 on: February 24, 2018, 10:01:08 AM »
Hey Mobil,

I know the feeling you describe very well. It sounds like you're in need if a sponsor. I'm in dire need of one as well.
Sometimes the loneliness is unbearable. Having someone who understands is critical to our recovery.
Maybe look into a SAA or 12 step program? Also, for me guided meditation helps to quiet my mind and bring my consciousness to the present moment. There are some great apps out there for meditation and I've also started using an app called Sobertime. It's got an active forum of people facing all sorts of addictions. P addicts are a rare group bit we're growing. Also, one tends to get speedy responses when you're feeling really low.
I hope you've come out of your funk Ok. I'm here rooting for you. 200 days pmo free is a hell of an accomplishment!!! Continue to make choices that benefit your well being!


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #162 on: February 26, 2018, 07:36:29 PM »
Thank u very much for those words.

I did start to text my therapist. Then I deleteted the text and sent one to my wife instead to tell her how i sad feeling. She did not answer. And she did "wrong" by trying to help, she goes into what we call "Cabin crew mode" (can I do something fot you, u want the, food, a hug, a pillow, a walk? )
This time she just layed beside me in bed and said nothing. She was quite as a mouse and it was obvious she had more thinking on het self, to do right, and not to do wrong, then really care for how i felt.

We talked about it later, and she was little sad, because she want to be there for me like I am for her. And she was sad I felt like I dont have anyone e to talk to. And she tried to do what "was right".

I told her calmly, who did i text about how i felt? And she started to cry, she didn't see it. She started to blame her self for what I write instead of being grateful that i told her my deepest feelings and gave her the chance to hold Space for me.

She cried and said she was sorry, she understood why I felt like she dont care or listen to me. She started to talk about her feelings and open up and In a short time, maybe 15 mins. I felt good again, and could let go of my lonliness for this time.

Now its day 201!!!

Do t know how I will celebrate. Guess i need to make a plan :)

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #163 on: March 02, 2018, 06:39:00 PM »
Day 204 going for 205.

Been some tough days now. Im in my car now again, i dont want to go home after work. I dont really know what is wrong with my wife. She is playing games again. Hard games. I do my best to avoid and give help when I can. I have commited myself to give her love and heal as much as I can. I let her cry on my chest and I confirm my feelings for her.

But she keeps puting up these tests so she can prove that she dont deserve any love. It takes allt of energy from me.

For some days ago we had guests and we got a tv for our video games. After the dinner and our friends had leaved, I did the dishes. And when I was done i noticed the floor was all wet. Something was wrong and I called the guy we rent the apartment from. The day after they took a look and someone have been an idiot to built so the water goes Down in the floor and  it in a closed system. And then built it in the kitchen, so we have black mould and asome other issues.

And this is perfect for my wife to worry, set a scen and make a big drama. She asks me irrelevant questions and talk about moving. And suddenly, when she now know about  the mould, she say she have difficulties to breath. She called me on my way to work and asked me if the guy who we rent from have called me and if he had said anything if we could stay in the apartment, or if he got anothwewone for us.

And this is after we already talked about the issue like three times in two days. But she dont stop to worry about it.

So I got angry, and asked her what she really want from me. She said she wanted to know about what to do. I asked again. What do you really want. Why do u call? Because right now u called me and asked me if I had some information, like I wouldnt tell u important stuff like we need to move. She started to cry, not becuse i was angry, but she understood it was something else. And she cried and cried and said she was a bad wife, and she dont want to cry anymore. She wants to be happy.

Her problem is that she always try to make it look like everything is fine, and she lie to me and her self about how she feels. She is not honest to me. I can asked her how much money she have on her bank, and she always say lower then it it. She want to be happy and talk with me about everything, so she make dinner and wants me to sit with her. Bot becuse she wants to eat with me, just becuse she wants a "happy marriage". So she keep making these scenens, and when I dont play the game, she start to cry and wants me to hug her and make sure I love her.

When I get angry, i hold it inside of me, because I want to show her love, i want to forgive, and make sure she feels that i genuinly care for her. The i start to hold it in, and it hinders me from being authentic. Then she start to make a new scen. That she is a bad wife becuse she can't make me happy. She see that Im sad, and she sits beside me, completely quite. And start to try to rescure me. She said she wanted to be with me and wants to care for me. . I just asked. Do you really want to care, or do you want it to be like a speciel way?
She started to cry again. And commited and realized she dont care about me, she only care about the image, it dont looks like we have good relationship.

I went out in my car yesterday, i cried and screamed. And wow, i fell asleep right away in the car. After some hour, i went back home, and in bed i felt this stone in my stomach again. This morning she sent me a text and said she realized that she didn't cry because she was sad, she cried becuse she played a victim, she was trying to play the game even harder. She wanted me to kick her, so she could get a new "fact" that she is a bad wife.

Its takes so much energy from me when she do lite this. And i makes me feel sad and angry. And i feel like I can't show her those feelings, becuse its an answer for what she trying to get. Then my games starts to roll out. I feel sad becuse Noone likes me, and I dont have anyone who loves me for being me. I need to dale my anger so my wife do t feel sad.

This is me being codependent. And when I get codependent, i want PMO. I want to talk with someone. So  did go out on a chatroom some days ago  and found a girl who wanted to see me on sc. So I sent her some pics and talked about how she wanted me. She didn't send me any nudes, and I didn't M or O. I just gave her what she wanted. And i felt loved becuse someone wanted me. Thats is my drug.

What is love?

I realized, i need to forgive my wife. I need to again tvi k what I want. Think about who i want to be. What I can do to not be codependent. I felt so good today. I never answered my wife text this morning. I detached myself from her. Then she started to send new text about how i was doing. And i said the truth. I was doing great but she takes alot of  energy. And i feel like she sufficates me.

I was at work, so I couldn't answer, but she kept sending me new texts about her new discoveries about herself. She is puttning together a new scen again. She wants me ro be part of it again. I felt it, becuse after k red her text ar work, my energy vanished in a blink of an eye. And i was sad all night then. I cried out and screamed put loud again. To let go of my frustration and anger again.

I dont know what to do really, and I know exactly what to do. But i am afraid of doing it, because it feels wrong and painful. I need to step back and let my wife take care of her own shit. I dont want to leave her. But I need to leave her with her the problems she only can take care of herself. I need to deside that she is not allowed to use me. Its bot Okey for her to play games with me. I need to say she need to grow up, and I need to be clear that she won't get me. O will live my life and live happy. And i will do it without her if she do t want to come with me.

I do t know thou if I can do that. I do t know if I can leave her behind. It feels like I betray her and like I dont love her. I belive this is one of my toughest things yet to come.

I need to move and keep moving forward no matter what she is doing and what games she will play. I need to forgive and live her, and ler her go.





mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #164 on: March 14, 2018, 09:33:36 PM »
Day 217

Still fighting with my lonliness. Sitting in my car, with feelings and deep emotions, want to let them out, feel that i need someone to talk to. Just someone who can listen and confirm me. When I realize i dont have anyone to call that i feel that confidentand trust  with, i just pouring out my tears and its so painful. I start to pray, but I can't focus. I just cry.

My wife keep playing games with me. Today she admitet that she dont want to be with me. She want me being with her. So she can feel loved. She is using me for boosting her selflove and self esteem.

If she dont love her self, she start to make tests to see who wants to be with her. And playing this game hard. And then she find someone who play the game with her, and the other person is only kind, and book a meeting. But the meeting is not genuine. So my wife start to cry and say  that No one loves her and so on. Then put up pics on instagram to see comfort and a new circle is before  to start. She crave for attention.

I feel just empty, and misses my friend, who i have not talked to for over 3 years now. At last she wanted to be with me, she didn't use me.

Well she did that from time to time. But Mostly I was an asshole and played that game my wife now playing on me to my old friend. I can't understand why she stayed with me. Well i do have my guesses, and I guess she really liked me most of the time, but gates me when I played the games.

The sad part is that i am a person that looked for solving the problems. And did a lot of work deep inside me. But it seams like my wife dont want to do the same. She wants me to rescure her instead.

I would be happy if I could call someone when Im so sad like now. I do want to kill myself sometimes. And I know that when I feel that shit inside, i feel lonely and need to call someone. And its just making it worse, when I remember tjat i dont have anyone to call.


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #165 on: March 15, 2018, 08:20:06 PM »
Day 218

Cant sleep again

My head is spinning

Im loosing the grip again

I m feel nothing

I dont feel empty, just nothing

I know what I need to do

I need to talk to someone

I need someone who listen to me

I need to set some new goals and find some new motivation

I need to stop live my life from other people opinions

I need to pursue my own dreams, goals and future.

But I dont know if Im worthy

I dont want sympthay, i dont need someone telling me Im worthy.

I know that in my brain, but my subconcious mind keep holding tight to that lie.

I dont understand why it keep taking it back after i throw it away.

I want to be someone who take care of my self.

I want to be a rolemodle.

I want to live

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #166 on: March 17, 2018, 09:18:50 PM »
Day 220

One more day in the car. Alone at night. Trying to get in contact with my emotions.

I found the oss at home, but couldn't let it out.

I was so angry last time. I finally found my emotions, and screamed like I njfever done before. I slept so well tjat night.

Now i have got the flu for some days. And at same time this shit in my head trying to get fixed.

I just want to die


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #167 on: March 19, 2018, 08:02:04 PM »
Day 222

So many games playing in my head. So many people who play games with me.

I dont know who i can trust anymore.

One person text me and I feel how my stomach turn inside out.

I managed to cry a bit today, what a relief. I noticed it was not about love this time. It was about trust.

I then got some texts and it started again. Now Im lie beside. My wife in bed and cry again.

She told me that my old friend who dont talk to me anymore, her sister do have a spring break soon and want to visit us.

My stomach turned into a Stone and I feel i can be myself. It like someone else decide how i should act. So I stiff up and can't relax.

And in about 1 month. We will meet this family, but I have so much anxiety about it. They call us best friends. But they dont know anything about what we going thru and how me and my wife struggle.

And the worse part is, my old friend will be there too, and I will need to really be safe so I can handle it all.


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #168 on: March 24, 2018, 05:33:29 PM »
Day 227


Im crying, tears down my cheeks right now. Like forth time this week. And Noone knows. Well wife do, she knows Im out alone. And she knows Im late from work.

But she never ask about it. Its so community right now, so she dont really reflect about it.

I cried before i got home today, came home, couldn't say a Word, and she gave me some food and layed her hand on me. No emotions at all.

I couldn't get a Word out of my mouth. I finally got out again, walked to the car again. I felt so heavy in my shoulders, bearly could lift my felet. I got into my car, turned the keyboard and started to cry again.

Some corners away, i couldn't see the road because of all the tears. I found a place to park. I found some feelings about being replaced and unloved. I think i cry like this  because my wife "leaved" me when she was cheating on me several years ago. I was not in my best shape then, and I was not in contact with my feelings.

I know i did forgive her and all that, but I also think i never did the work needed to heal. I i think i cried, felt betrayed, read some articles about it, and started to do the things you should do to  make it work out again.

I dont remember that i talked about my emotions and feelings with anyone. I dont remember if someone even asked me how i felt or deal with my emotions. I do remember thou how some people who knew about it told me i really did beautiful things to make sure my wife did feel loved again. I took her to some exklusive restaurant om our anniversery. And i throwed a little party for us.

I think many of these emotions got  buried alive and I did what I always have done. Being strong, and work hard, for sucess.

Its almost one hur ago i left the house tonight. And my wife still havent called nor texted me. I dont know for how long i can stand this.

I want so badly to talk someone, i want someone who can see through my feelings and just hug me. I want someone who send me a text with the words "i miss u".

I miss my old friend, the girl who leaved me. She did text me with those words. She did send me some texts from nowhere and said she missed me, thought about me, or she could just walk up to me with arms out and a big smile to give a big warm hug. I can miss that so much.

My wife sure hugs me, but she dont hug me like that, she hugs me more like she wants me to hug her back. I dont feel any love from my wife. I feel that she are anxious or ar afraid of giving me a hug. She is afraid of not feeling any love back. Her hugs are not genuine and I hate them. I really do!

I wish she could hug me like she loves me and misses me. And i wish I could miss her to, and hug her like that.

Right now, i can live in my car. I dont care a out anything right now. I just want to be alone until i can feel anything worth living for.




mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #169 on: April 04, 2018, 07:04:46 AM »
Day 237

Home and sick for the last several days in the flu. High fever that puches anxiety and nighmares to life.

Have been difficult to sleep and for almost three days i have felt press over my chest and turned in bed like a little Child. Tonight i dreamed i wanted to talk to my mom and tell her what I feel and that Im sad becuse she dont listen or can show me real love. (becuse she dont love her self) and in the dream my mom wouldnt listen to me and only said. "we dont have the same point of view of this thing, and I dont want to talk about it". My answer in the dream was. Please mom, i really need you to listen to me so I can lay off this buden, i need you in my life ". She looked at me, tightend up, and kept her feelings to her self, her body language said." this is my stand point, and I will not change it, Nor liten to anything else". I said again please i need to talk to you about this. And she turned around, and walked away. I started to go after her and she started to Run. And then the dream got wierd, like two superheros fought in a action movie. Me crying over that my own mom don't want to talk to me or listen. And she just tried fly away and keep the distance from me.


Well this was a dream thou, but it was based on my emotions and anxiety. I have confronted my mom some time, and she always do the same. She dont want to listen.

It remember me of one time when my brother was sad and wanted to cry. Mom walked put the door and said she would leave us alone. I gave my brother a big hug from the bortom of my heart and he started to cry. We talked about it and he said he never got that sort of a hug before. We talked about why mom leaved. And the truth is, that she can't handle sorrow. She couldn't stay. Because if she did, she needed to get in contact with her own emotions and feelings. Things she have pressed away and down for many years. Things she's is afraid of deadline with. Things tjat hurt her if she let it come up again.

I need to focus on my own life and my own feelings. I dont want to do like mom. I want to be honest, i want to show genuine love, empathy, and give comfort for people in need.

Out with the old in with the new genuine

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #170 on: April 14, 2018, 06:55:44 PM »
Day 248 to 249

Im hurting and in such a emotional pain. I dont know how to cope. It have been 5 days now.

It started on thuesday, my wife texted me about something at work. It was a text about something strange. I dont remember it more then I understood that something is going bad. I felt she was playing games again becuse she asked me for allowens to go shopping and asked me if I felt hurt if she did it.

I told her the truth. That she can't control my feelings and emotions. She answered back and said thank you. And meant that i pointet out that her question was not clear and she did not understood why she asked that question.

I also told her that i had some important things to do and I didn't have time to go shopping.

The next day she was gone and I thought she was with her parants as she said and went shopping. I sent her a text that she need to send over the money for our company she got from some customers so I could record it in the book. She answered that she have not got all the money. And i said thats Okey. Just send over the money.

When  she came home i asked her about it. And she said again that she not have got all the money. And I got frustrated, and asked her if she had read that i asked for the money anyway, and it didnt was a big issue that one not had paid.

She told a new exuse, and said she didn't think she could take the money she got back from the tax. I again asked her the same question and also added what does she want. Why does she not answer the questions? She said earlier in the day to do it, but she didn't. So why say yes when she meant no? Then she have a third excuse. I got mad becuse she dont tell the truth right away. Then she tells me she is stressed because she will talk to the therapist that day.

It was a game, she started, and I got mad becuse she did what she promised to not do again. She talked with the therapist while i took a bath.

I felt the tension and I told her i got mad becuse she dont talk to me. I need to go to work so we dont have time to talk about it. But Im still angry becuse she have not stop the game.

During my work she semester a text 4 hours later that she now feel well and things. I only told her that its good that she feel better and I tell her i feel like Im worthless becuse people dont respect me and my time. And that she just Walked in to me when I was working and started to make a scene to get attention.

She answered that she could understand that. But she didn't apoligize or something. I also said that i probably feel that way becuse thats how my mom always did when I was young. We should take care of her and other people. If we didn't do that, we was not good enough.

She answered only. Good you know where it come from. Where i replied mmm.

I want home but felt upstairs, i slept on the couch and when  I woke up i noticed she still played games. She was not in the real world. She was super happy had her face on. (her husband slept on the couch and she is happy?) she asked a sill question and I didn't bother to answer it. I isoloted myself in the couch and moved to the bed later. She come to me sometimes during the day and said something like. "Oh, I see that u dont feel good, please talk to me" and the she put a hand on my foot, was quiet, and the she Walked away. She was not here and now. And was not genuine. After 4 hours i couldn't stand it and took the car and slept in the car during the night. I then took the car straight to the work and back home after she leaved for work. And I get to work before she came home again.

During this time she start to send texts and I dont answer any of them.

Thursday 10:07pm How are u?
Thursday 10.22pm i feel sad when I dont talk to me, I feel your pain but I am feel powerless. I dont know where u are or what u want. <3 i like u
Friday 6:42am where are u? ;( i am starting to feel worried when I dont hear anything from you.
Friday 12:19pm <3
Friday 1:02pm where are u? I am worried sick. Can't u tell me where u are and that u are a live.
Friday 11:03pm what is happening? I dont want it like this, I want to talk about it
Saturday 2:04pm I really miss you. Can u come home today.
Saturday 4:24pm i want u to know i am here for u and that u know tjat i care about you. I want you to feel good and if it is anything between us i want to know. And if it is not, i want to be there for you and give u support.

About 2 hours After this text she came to my work. Im working in a store 30min driveway from home and we have only one car. First i i see her in the store, and she is walking around, looking for something to shop. I can't Imagine its my wife, so I look twice, and she dont even look at me. She looks stressed and trying to find something to buy. She stand in line and when its her turn i just say 10 bucks. She give a 20 and said quietly "do you come home today". I have her the change and told her to have a nice day. (the store was full of people) and she Walked away without a Word.

And I start to wonder how she got there. And after a couple of minutes my mom enters the store. The same way, looking for something to shop and stand in line, and she ask if she can do something for me. I just look away and ignore her. She ask when I end working and I keep ignoring her. She walk away quietly.

Only a couple of hours earlier a was out in the car during my break and cried of lonliness and that i dont har anyone genuine people close to me. Who really care.

After my mom left, i felt completely empty and had really difficulties to keep my tears in and do my work. I was alone at the store. I couldn't stop thinking about what the hell my wife is doing with my mom in the store acting like that.

After about 30 minutes. My mom arrives again. And start to look for more stuff to buy, and stand in line, and she say "i want u to know that I love you very much" and walks away while i completely ignore her.

Then i get new texts some hour later from wife.


9:31pm what I wanted to say was "i love you" you mean so much to me.
11:58 how are you?


Some of you who read this maybe think that my wife showing that she cares. We have talked about this behaviour many times and its a game. And when she is playing game, she is like a Child, and she dont take care of her self.

U can see it in the texts. She want me to come home, becuse she misses me. She want me close so she can feel whole. U also see in the texts that she write the same thing over and over again.

When playing games u have one of three roles. Victim, helper, persecutor.

This is what is happening. I have promised myself to quit playing games Im aware off. I can't stop others from playing, thats there life, so sometimes i need to play the games anyways. So I often see the gameplan and try to keep me put as much as possible.

This game my wife know she do play. But not when she is in it. We have talked about it is only one way to quit playing, and its to be honest and stop take roles. Her game she is playing is that she want people around her to get angry om her so she can get attention. So she play dumb and a victim, who need help.

I was mad and angry and I told her about it. But she didn't take it as an adult and apoligize, she took lt like a Child and started to feel bad and like its her fault that Im angry. And she now want me to start to help her and take care of her. (this is what har dad failed to do to her)
So when she starts that game she acting like I would rescue her from this bad life. If I dont play a long, she change game to focus on me. Thats its me who is sad and Im a victim that need help. So she start to help me.

The thing is that Im not need help, Im not a victim. I am in emotionell pain and iam angry becuse people use me like a helper. And I dont want to be used, so I leave.

When wife keep sending the same text "where are u" she dont want to know where i am, she want attention, and she take the role as persecutor on me, while she be a victim towards my mom instead. And my mom is the best game player in the world. She is never genuine. So she take her favorite roles. The rescuer to rescuer her son from a bad day and give comfort to her daughter in law. Becuse now my mom can feel loved, becuse someone wants her in her life.

All this takes so much energy. The thing is that this game will end in three ways. One is divorce. Or that i start to talk with my wife. And when I do that i will get the role victim and I also will change to the helper, to help my wife to see the perspective of the gameplan and she will again feel like Im the best in the world who can help her see things. Or the third and best way is that she will understand the game her self and start being honest in her texts. She did tjat för some weeks ago. It took three days until she understand what she was doing. And she realized then that if I said anything at all, it would be the same as saying that she is not grown up enough to take care of her self.

That's why Im angry on my mom. She walks in and take care of my wife. Like she is not capable of fixing it by her self. She dont give her strenght or advice how to deal worth it. She walks in and do the work. Thats why I ignored her in the store.

Now Im sitting here in my car. I was on my way home today before wife and mom came to the store. I did cry out at the break and I got some strenght to go home and stay honest and real without going into the game. But I really dont want to come home  now.

I ask my self when my wife said. Please come home.
What should i come home to? A hug from a wife that want to keep the face while all things are chaos inside.


When I came home to sleep yesterday while she was as work. I found a beer in the fridge and a lunchbox with my name on it.

Again u maybe think. Wow what a wife. But this is only what she does when I am angry. And i almost never drink beer. Only when I feel relaxed and here and now. So when she buy a beer, its becuse she have a picture in her head that if she makes food and I drink a beer she bought we are a happy couple.

We have talked about it a lot of times. With the therapist too. She acts like a cabin crew member. "can I fix something for you so you can be happy, i will do anything"

I ask for one thing. An authentic life. And she always looks at me with big eyes and questuonmark over her head. Its like we living in two world's.

I dont know how long i can deal with this. Maybe she can fix something after she talked with the therapist on Tuesday.

I have watched one clip today over and over again. What is the robot cause to addiction?
Its about connection. And if u can feel connect, u look for it in the world thru drugs. And deep inside its all about pain, pain we want to get rid off, and that is only possible with someone who shows genuine compassion. Someone who hold space for you and show you genuine love.

My wife misses my love in her life. She dont love me, she dont misses me. She want that feeling i give her in life. She need me, she dont love move. And when she is getting to needy, i leave to breath. And people think Im not showing her love.

My respons is that u can only love someone as much as you love yourself. And when u dont love yourself, u try to suck attention and energy from others. So to show my wife genuine and completely love, I need to heal.

I now what I need. I need support for my pain. And that support my wife can't give me. Becuse she surpress her own feelings, so she can't show empathy. And i dont know anyone who can.

So I keep practice to show myself. Becuse if Noone else love me, i need to love myself.






mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #171 on: May 10, 2018, 12:42:22 AM »
Day 273

No PMO for 273. That's really amazing.

But I still have some issues to take care of.

Been some weeks now I have been Down and very difficult to get i  contact with myself and stay focused.

I been mad, angry, hurt and sad. Stay up all nights. Talk to girls and I even watch p again. I do t even notice how my willy feel about it. I have  no urge at all to M and O.

I only want something I can use to cope with this pain.
I have tried to be alone and let it out. But I can't.

I have tried several nights now I I just can't get it to work.

I'm letting anger out, I try to cry. But nothing helps. I can feel how the tears ar up to my throat, I can feel how they start to get to my eyes and my chest want relief. But I just stops.

Its like my body want to feel bad and sad all time. It's afraid of the good i know I can have it the future. It's like something In me wants the past more.

And I realize i felt like this for two years ago when it lead me to the decision to take responsibility for my life and let go of my past.

And when  I begged for murcy, love and forgiveness. I did t get it. I am  lw into the same boat and I need to make the same decision again and make a step forward again. And this time I need to trust myself and keep going. Becuse the bastard to mentors did  or forgive me.


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #172 on: July 03, 2018, 08:50:46 PM »
Ok. So I had some difficulty times last months and had a struggle. I have felt alone after some cruel sick week some months ago. And I stopped all my routines.

Slowly I began to visit some sites and slowly I let my self down and looked for comfort in the chat rooms. And slowly I destroyed myself again.

I have been living in my head. I was so sad and tired of crying every week. I just wanted to go on and leave it all behind. But instead I began to hold in the pain again and I have not built up a new strong solid ground where I could seek comfort.

I had some relapses watching P. But I closed it. Couple of weeks later. I did MO without P. Most of my time awake I used to chat, sleep, and work. And in the time between try to build up my new life.

I lost connection with people and slowly fell down into the abyss of emitiness. I search my chatroom and I got hard. I did keep talk with girls. And after several hours. I still haven't M. I haven't even notice I was hard.

It all was something to use fp flee from my emotions.

I have now noticed PIED. Not that strange, becuse I haven't been here and now when I have been with wife. All my energy have been used to hold my emotions in place.

I did PMO for some times, but I didn't really care. It was Okey.

Yesterday I decided to restart the timer. Becuse I knew it lied to me everytime I looked at it.

Now I feel sad when I watch it. I feel some fear, becuse I again feel what I felt before I told about this to my wife the first time.

I told her some days ago I have had some set backs and did some PMO. She only listened. Didnt really show anything. I did not talk from my heart, so maybe that's why.

I only told her what I have been up doing.

I feel that I am not I'm my heart. I am not honsest with myself. It's something that is missing.


I have awful lot of anxiety right now. Becuse I will meet for a seminar soon. And i will meet all my old friends who show happiness to see me, but they have not called me for 3 years or more. I feel so alone and I fel that the only way I can feel som attachment is in the chatroom.

But I know that if I chat I will end up in P. I have for the positive things, do not search P without visiting the chatroom first.

But anaywat. Back to the upcoming weekend and meeting. When I wrote about it my tears started to fall down my chin. I want to go to the seminar. I wam to listen to the talks and let it build up my heart and make me stronger and better.

But my head is full of those thoughs and heart full of emotions like fear and anxiety. I am so sad about how my friends have acted upon me. They have not been there for me and I have no one I can trust. And I will let many of them who will tell me they care and that they want to hang out. And I need to be in control and dont make that kind of talk discourage me or make me depressed. Becuse then I can't listen to the seminar.

I have been thinking about to walk in late and go early so I don't need to met people. But that also reminds me about all the stuff I don't want to have in my life.

I know it's something here I need to heal from.

I want to visit the seminar and feel welcomed, feel free and happy. I want to be able to give to others. And I want to have something good to say to my friends who only come to me to excuse themselves for not being there for me.

I know the best thing is to tell them I forgive them. But if I don't feel that, it will not help me.

As I said long time ago, the hard is to come back to the congregation. Because now I have nothing to blame for them not talking with me. Now I can't tell myself I'm disfellowed.

Since February I only have had two people who phoned me. And I really feel worthless because no one cares more than that. And I feel is so difficult to be at that meeting becuse I will at rhe same time feel all this emotions betrayal.

I have realized many new things the past years. And one of them is how u can recognize a true and genuine friend. So I did understand that some of the people I told friend before, isn't really a one.

One I would have said was my bf before, I rang after two years apart and said I wanted to keep it touch and take a coffee. He said yes and asked what days I could make it to his town.

We booked a day and he  booked off. And then I gave him some new days. But he did want to check it. And I took the steps necessary to make it happen. I told him that I'm a new person and it's not like before anymore. So when he didn't called back my missed calls or texts. I just leaved it.

I will probably meet him this weekend and he will say. I'm so sorry for not calling u, it been sooo busy.


And I know now. No one is busy to do what they want to do.


And that's reminds me of myself. What am. I doing with my time? I waste it on chatrooms? Why? Becuse I don't feel any comfort anywhere else. I don't feel any trust. And no one show they want to build any trust.

This all is making me really sad and I don't really know how to deal with it.

We have our anniversary day this weekend too. And we have invited some friends we felt we wanted to have with us to a restaurant. And my mom keeps talking with my wife about things she don't need to care about.

She is a guest and she can't handle that. She is worried about how much money it will cost and she keeps asking what we want her to buy for us.

We have not even thought about anyone should by anything at all. We only wanted a good time together.

My friend I told u all about before. The girl who made me so sad. She will be with us to with her family.

I have sent her two texts. She didn't answer them.

I wonder why I even care to make the effort for them. But I know what's the issue are. It's about forgiveness.




I only want to be able to talk hear to heart with my friends. I want to tell them I love them. Forgive them. But they have made me feel sad becuse they dont make any efforts to care for me. What are friends for?

I am afraid to tell them too. Becuse like mom. She would say she do care and that it's me who isolate and keep away.
It's partly true. And it's because I can't be genuine. I would like to say what I have on my heart and the people say. I'm sorry we didn't known u felt like that. And give a hug. Instead of telling me it's all my fault.

All I need is some comfort and love.

And I want to give that to everyone else.

I don't know rhat ro do. And I know what to do.

I hate it all.

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #173 on: July 11, 2018, 04:40:14 AM »
I counted it as a relapse, even if it started during my sleep.









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mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #174 on: July 11, 2018, 05:48:38 PM »
Ok day 6 here

Much easier this time.

Was out and meditated last night and found some new deeper and wider perspectives. Before I felt I missed love, and felt alone. Now I realize I feel betrayed, and what I miss is security and trust/faith/belief in a friend. Someone I know always will be there for me no matter what is happening.

And I have been unconscious trying to make up small tests to see if people would stay or leave.

I need to belive and have faith in God, that he will give the that kind of friendship.