Author Topic: First relapse  (Read 26717 times)

Mr. Sunshine

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #25 on: December 05, 2016, 09:50:12 PM »
Its good to get support from people in your spot like me  ;)  I'm resetting and looking to get to my 90 days.  Its rough,  I can feel the anxiety and the fog because my brain is so used to being super charged with dopamine.  Arg, its frustrating and there doesn't seem to be any way through it but through it. The loneliness is tough.  Its so easy to get overwhelmed and get right back into the PMO cycle.  Really what needs to happen is I need to give it up so that my brain can adjust to reasonable levels. 

I'm trying to hang in there, and maintain a positive attitude despite my emotions being crappy

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #26 on: December 06, 2016, 08:05:27 PM »
Its good to get support from people in your spot like me  ;)  I'm resetting and looking to get to my 90 days.  Its rough,  I can feel the anxiety and the fog because my brain is so used to being super charged with dopamine.  Arg, its frustrating and there doesn't seem to be any way through it but through it. The loneliness is tough.  Its so easy to get overwhelmed and get right back into the PMO cycle.  Really what needs to happen is I need to give it up so that my brain can adjust to reasonable levels. 

I'm trying to hang in there, and maintain a positive attitude despite my emotions being crappy

Great decision to reset and go for 90 days! I believe u can make it!

I dont know if its the dopamine or if its my anxiety who kick start my PMO. Either way, i feel better, when I can manage the anxiety, the best is when its completely all gone. As it was today, after having the thinking-cap on during my workday i got to one point, I am okey as i am, and those who dont like it, is not my problem. The key seems for me to remind me that i shall not tell myself Im worse then others. I need positive self-talk. I hope u will manage it to and come through the lonliness, and hope u can do it but changing bad habits to good habits. WE cant just quit, we need to fill the emptiness with something else.
« Last Edit: December 06, 2016, 08:17:30 PM by mobilfreak »

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #27 on: December 06, 2016, 08:15:20 PM »
Day 14 today. Was amazing today, for some hours i was back int that feeling from the first 39 days. I was completely free from anxiety and i felt alive. I felt like I was worth as much as everyone else. and that helps me enormous, because my general mood is "Im not okay - everyone else is okay". In back to that feeling again, after i found out a friend blocked me on facebook. I immediately dropped back to "im not okay" based on other people opinions. I know it in my brain, but not in my heart yet. Haha. Why should other people opinions rule my life?????? Well i know why i feel like that, because thats what my mom always did and still do. And thats how i was raised. And now i start to see it and want to change...

Ive set some reward to my goals so i can focus better :)

30days free from PMO and P-subs = 1 new videogame
60days free from PMO and P-subs = Fine dinning at the hotel
90days free from PMO and P-subs = Asus Gtx 1090 Strix GPU


Ps. I closed two deals today, one single order at 2500$  and one residual montly at 1300$. ITs great to be your own! :)
« Last Edit: December 06, 2016, 08:22:24 PM by mobilfreak »

Mr. Sunshine

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #28 on: December 07, 2016, 04:42:26 PM »
nice work!  so easy to let fears or others opinions determine self worth.  Running from a sense of worthlessness or from the feeling of just not being enough sure adds momentum to PMO.  Anyway good catch.  I'm feeling a little better today, still kind of lonely and empty but the light is going a little.  I suppose thats all I can hope for is incremental growth. 

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #29 on: December 08, 2016, 12:10:10 PM »
16 days now! I'm still present and staring to actually enjoy life... And that's scary, it was really long time ago.

I talked with my therapist about a memory from a summer when I was around 12. And that summer I felt so good! I was free. And I start to feel the same now. I wanted to know what's the key for both this times. And I found out I was alone, and no one could hurt me. I do have social anxiety, because of my sad childhood. That summer I remembered, I was almost alone the whole summer at my grandparents. No one could hurt me.

And now, its pretty much the same...  When I feel good and need to work and deal with people, I feel bad right away.

It's great to feel that being me is Okey, and that's what's makes quiting PMO easy. As long as I stay in this state of mind. PMO is not an issue at all. I don't even think about it.

I need to listen to my body more and take care of it better. It's not selfish to listen to your body. It's self awareness!

When my kindness over other people, wanting to help them with their sorrows, become more important than my own health, I begin to feel sad, anxious and become depressed and self medicate with PMO.

It great to see where everything starts. I've been looking for that since 2010. Why do I feel this? Have been the big question, and now I know and I also have tools to use for better health.

16 days is so amazing right now. Or u could say its 60 days with only 2 small slips, and that's to awesome. From using 4 times a week....

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #30 on: December 09, 2016, 10:02:53 AM »
It's not over yet. Still feel little numb. Saw one old friend on instagram posing in her bikini. I needed to shut down the app... 

I curious about the feeling after the reboot is complete. Some of you talk about how u quit obejctify women. I found my self being able to stop that the very first day that October I told my self to get rid of this addiction for good. I was in a state of mind transactional analysis call "the free Child".

I been noticing that when I reach that state, I look at girls without being aroused, I even don't notice them.  I even getting disgusted when I see girls posing and wanting to get attention from there looks. But when I loose that feeling and come back to my "normal" me, I see girls everywhere and I love them for looking and smiling at me. And get aroused very fast. Like a teenager.

Still no PMO or P-Subs tho. :) 17 days now!  Whop whop

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #31 on: December 10, 2016, 08:08:50 AM »
Woke up with a great urge to PMO.  Just wanna give up on this.

It's so much easier to not fight the inner demons...

Need to remember why I started this journey, and need to focus on  what bad things it bring to my life.


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #32 on: December 10, 2016, 11:49:20 PM »
Been an awful day today.  No PMO! But I'm so far away from feeling good. I'm like a zombie,  the brain have shut down... or the emotions, or something.  It don't work....

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #33 on: December 11, 2016, 02:40:42 PM »
I'm stuck in this terrible feeling. Can trace it back to when I was around 8 years old. Same thoughts of loneliness and why no one wants me...

Still no PMO thou...

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #34 on: December 11, 2016, 09:57:47 PM »
I fell asleep 5 pm and dreamed about feeling anxious. Woke up at 9pm, thought I had slept through the night first.  The anxiety is better.

I notice that I get so tired when I think about all my feelings. I can't do anything.  I don't have any hobbies. I have plenty off stuff I need to do and deeply want to do.  But I'm to tired.

On my free time I try to do those things I need to do for a better health, like eating and take a shower. It's so hard,  I can't manage it because all my energy goes on battling my inner demons. I'm exhausted.

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #35 on: December 11, 2016, 11:49:12 PM »
I just wanna give up

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #36 on: December 11, 2016, 11:57:21 PM »
My reasons to make this getting weaker and weaker. I don't have a strong "why"  enough. Right now I just wanna make it to the 90 days,  so I can tell myself I did it.

Its like when I wanted to loose weight after I gained a lot while eating antidepressants. I lost 22 kg in 10 month,  had a new life, and I celebrated with a big pizza. 

The "why" and goal need to be stronger and bigger.  Like,  I will never go back to PMO. It's not an option, it ruins my life. But right now I just feel like,  whatever,  I will die anyway...

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #37 on: December 12, 2016, 12:21:21 AM »
I have nothing to to, to change the habit with.

Well I have,  but all things are wrapped up with my anxiety, and feels like things imust do,  not really want to.  Things I know I want to do when I feel better, but right now just make feel bad.

Have no motivation to do anything, even not to take me out of this emotions. I just hate life,  I m sad for I don't miss my wife, I'm happier alone.  I'm sad for missing my friend who don't want to talk with me.  I'm sad for I don't can make my life work.

I feel like it's better to end it.

And the I remind myself of that feeling in October, when I decided to commite suicide. How I felt alive that moment to and belived in me, and changed my mind.

I hate having this problems in my head, I hate that I got this because of my childhood traumas. I hate that I need to take care of things someone else layed on my shoulders.  I need to do something about some else wrongdoing. Why me?

Its the wrong question, have made therapist told me. It's not my fault,  its has nothing to do with me. It's not that I'm less then any other person, and that's why I got these problems. Im not bad, I'm been part of bad stuff.

Sometimes I want to get my memories back, so I can confront him/her.  So I can put the weight over on the right person and don't feel like crazy. I feel like crazy,  because I just have these small fraction of memories and some strange events in life that points all to the same thing, some sort of sexuall abuse. But I can't remember the actual abuse,  so I feel like I'm messed up,  no one belives me, people tell me to forget, to let it go. And I do,  but in some short amount of time I'm back depressed, anxious and in the feelings I just left, without any visible reason.

Sometimes I just someone to talk with,  someone I could trust. I had my friend, but she left me.  And i never felt that feeling with my wife. That's why I feel so lonley.


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #38 on: December 12, 2016, 02:20:13 PM »
Still been a terrible day...  Feel so low...  Been in bed all day. Chatting with people... I don't want to go out, but I have to. I need to work.

I couldnt sleep tonight. I was chatting with peopl instead...  I know I should have tale care of my anxiety. But I could, I was so sad. I was not presence.

I have still not eat any breakfast today. It's 16.18 now.
I need to take a shower...  I had that as a goal yesterday, but I did t make it.

Still not PMO or P-subs thou!

20 days and counting!


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #39 on: December 13, 2016, 08:04:52 PM »
Better today.  But still bad

No PMO, that's great

21 days...

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #40 on: December 14, 2016, 08:15:02 AM »
22 Days today...

Been looking for my new game to buy when I reach 30 days...

I'm still not feel better.  I don't notice the difference when  u using and when  I'm don't...  I still have this terrible days I just wanna die. 


gazz

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #41 on: December 14, 2016, 09:44:18 AM »
Mate, I am right there with you. strangely good to know someone's suffering like me. Due to the title of your thread, I thought this no fap academy video might be helpful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdS19NsImBU&index=21&list=PL38uJEf-kRcYmtGrpSeygvD7XhXm7jI3b (learning from relapses) - even if you haven't relapsed lately it's a good vid

I've recently discovered them and they've been a great go-to place for me. Even though it's not a personal message, the guy somehow feels super supportive, and he manages to be so chipper and positive all the time

Best of luck with that low mood, you're not alone

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #42 on: December 15, 2016, 05:49:46 PM »
It's so difficult to know what happenes and to under what feelings I schould trust...  Or better...  Schould dig deeper in.

It was a good day yesterday, felt happy sort of. Like life was going on the right direction...

I went for bed, but was not all presence, so instead of sleep, I chatted online. I don't even know why, well I did it, and found a girl who been struggle with same feelings like me and we talked all night. It was a relief to found someone who could understand you. I finally went for my sleep. Got 2 hours!

Why? I ask myself over and over again. Why? I don't know..  I felt pretty good a if I just gone to bed I probably would woke up strong and happy.

I woke up feeling good but tired of course. Went for my job and did what I schould. It was a nice day. Tired but I was not in some deep emotional things. I was doing pretty good.
When I came home I ate some food and walked to my bed. I said to my wife I needed sleep. And I really needed it and wanted it.

I layed down in bed and what, took my phone and opened the chat room again. Why? I still dont know.  I talked to some people, but I realized I really need to sleep. But I checked kik messenger again. And that app have I been deleted and installed for several times now...  When I Feel good, I don't want spend time at kik, it's wasting of time. When I feel little down I don't even think about my last decision...  It's weird...
I also installed yellow again, don't know why. I needed sleep. Looked at some pics and  noticed my boner.

I didn't want to M. So I just kept looking, and hoping to find a match so I could talk to someone... What's wrong with me? I need to sleep in tell my self. And finally after a hour I layed my head for at rest and fell asleep immediately.

Woke up a hour later, needed to go to bathroom. I was so tired...  But still wired up on this kik and yellow stuff. So I looked thru it again. It felt down there. But not as it been before, like I needed more and more and Google for P.

I just swiped to the right without even looking at the pics. And still I had this boner. It's interesting. My wife heard I was awake and she toke the space beside me and huged me.

It was a great day to start with. I even huged my wife in bed before I went for work. I felt good. And I also felt it was good now. Hugging her. She told me she needed to take a shower but she didn't want to take of her clothes, it will be cold.

So I help her off with them and teased her, foreplay and S. With O.

She went to the shower and I back to my phone, wondering why I took the phone, saw the apps. And just deleted them without any thought. It was just, why do I even have these boring apps.

I feel like dr jekyll and mr hyde. No was all those tensions inside me gone I got my O. And it was from my wife...

I'm 23 days from PMO now...  And 2 times been O last 62 days.

What do I start to feel? It was like this last time too, around 20 days in the reboot. And I just wanted my wife. Libido is naturall I don't know yet if I need to fight against it for my reboot? Maybe it's better to focus this feeling toward my wife when It comes?

What is the feeling? Is it libido?  Anxiety? I don't know, and I don't know if my behavior is a step forward, or it just makes me change from PMO to sex addicted with wife..

It's not that bad to have S with wife, but I still don't want to self medicate with sex, and I do want to be sure that I can feel the difference between them.

So if I'm anxious, I can handle it the way I best for me. If it's libido, well don't need to explain  that.

I still do need to set up some sort of life goals...  But Im afraid that I am not ready yet and will have more bad days, and my goals will be a  burden more then something  uplifting and motivational.

I want the feeling of having a project, and want to do it. I want to feel like I want to do something in my life. Right now, I just know I want that feeling, but  other know what I shall do.

Need to take time on this. It feel like I going to feel bad tomorrow and I will do whatever I can to stay at the happy side.

It will also be interesting what would happen in three or for days... Will the chaser effect come and doom me? Or what?




When

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #43 on: December 17, 2016, 12:50:18 PM »
I have no life, it terribly to realize.

Why am I doing this?

25 days now

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #44 on: December 17, 2016, 09:22:52 PM »
been in bed all day , just chatting with people on kik all day and wasting my time away. I feel shitty.

I deleted the apps again. It feels better again. But still bad.

no PMO, and the time spending at kik was not a P-sub, even if i saw some pic, i was not willing to keep looking and I didnt want that stuff... thats a big thing and im happy to be able to control that. But this loneliness... I really hate it.

Some people may suggest. "go talk with your wife" and so on, but she really dont care. Today she had her own schedule and did all her stuff and wanted do be done before she should have her crime-night and watch her fav. movies. She come in to my bed some times, but she was still all in her own life, and i was not part of it. She saw and knew i felt bad and all she did was making the dishes and do the laundry so she could watch the telly with good feelings...

I am really happy that she do those stuff, but I feel like im not important to her, and she dont care that i am in my bed all day and feel terrible.

Still no PMO and thats a good thing.


My friend i miss so much these kind of days, she texted my wife today. She said she was sorry for not contacted her for a long time and said she think about her, and that was it. She been silent for 3 month, and now she sends a short text that she is sorry, but then she didn't answer on my wifes reply. We both are curious about whats going on in her mind exactly. Why even bother to say you misses and think about someone after three month of silence, if u don't take time to even respond to the replies...

this day wasted and tomorrow i gonne work again. My boss is on hospital, so I need to jump in and help. This was the only day this week i was free, and I even dont have something to fill it with so i stay ion bed all day and just doing nothing at all.

Its funny thou, some people told me that when life is a mess, u need to check if u are reading your bible daily. And some people tell me, just get off porn and u will feel better. I have read the bible daily since june, and been off porn since october. I dont feel better and i still hate my life.

I have always argued that my health has nothing to do with PMO or spiritual routines. My anxiety come from other stuff, and reading the bible dont cure depression as little it cure cancer. IT can give hope and motivation, but just reading will not give any miracles.  PMO will of course not help me get better, but its still not the root of my health.

I know what i need to do. I know what feeling i searching for, the hard thing is to do what u thing is best for u when other people tell u thats wrong. When a spiritual mentor tell you, you are not on the right track, and u understand that the mentor does not know the whole picture. If I listen to that mentor would be like going back to the bad life I had. If I listen to myself, i will get the feeling i had when i told my mentor about my problems, energized and motived to take responsibility and leave this all behind. That feeling I need to move forward, it was that feeling who got me to tell my mentor about my problems, and it was that feeling he told me to think about again. He told me i was blaming my past to much for my sins and didn't take enough responsibility for my acts. I didnt show enough regret for what i have done.

I know what i feel, i know I had the right feeling, and I know I have social anxiety that makes me trouble when i tell people about my life. I know that this anxiety have made my life really hard and made friends left me because they dont understand what im telling them. Like when i told my friend, that she was the only person i felt i could talk to, and I would talk all night with her at a roof top. It was concluded that I was in love with her, when it really was that I have never been able to trust any person before, and I was so happy for being able to finally have one friend who would stick to me what so ever. But she left, and i dont know if i can open my heart again.

The hunting sexual memories from my childhood, Dad that dont really care, my friend suicide when i was 15, my wife cheated on me, and now my only friend I had left me, and when I told my mentor about my PMO, childhood traumas and suicide thought, I was not longer a apart of the congregation. Its not that strange I am sad and have trust issues. Its so hard for me to do this, all i want it so come back to the congregation, the only reason I have is my relationship with God. But in the congregation I have people who triggers my anxiety. Its not strange either that my body fight again me when i want to go to the church, or read my bible. For every time it reminds me of my anxiety..


I want a life with goals, thing i can achieve... right now its so pathetic, I smell something and that reminds me i have not shower for 3-5 days, so my goal is to take a shower, and it take up to three days to reach. in this state my mentors believe i would be able to do actions to strengthen my spiritual health, because the believe i will be happy when I get a stronger relationship with God. I do know that it have a key role in human life to be close to God. And thats is what i want, but my psychical health are not with me on that goal.

I hope i will be better to next week.
 

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #45 on: December 18, 2016, 08:30:45 AM »
Shitty boring life.

26 days today,  still no motivation. Don't want to work....


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #46 on: December 19, 2016, 08:22:39 AM »
I know u never will come back into my life, but I still think about you every day, and it's been 6 month since we talked last time. Yesterday I huged my pillow when I was going to sleep, I felt comfort and remembering how your body gave me relief from my anxiety and how your smile cut through my depression and enlighten my life.

I never loved u as a girlfriend, I loved u as my best friend and as a teddy bear. No one have ever gave me the same comfort in life as u did, and that's what I miss the most.

I know u thought I was in love with u, and we did some stupid stuff, but I wholehearted felt safe with u, and that's was made me being stupid. U made me feel worthy, likeable even cause my flaws and sins.

Dear u, I miss u a lot and u will never know or understand, becuse u didn't want to stay friends, u wanted to go your own way without me and u couldn't feel safe with me u said.

I'm so sorry for making u feel that way, and I'm devastating over that we not will be able to develop a friendship in the future anymore because of this.

My heart will always be with u and I will always miss u as much sister and best friend. No one can take your place!

Every day I need to convince myself that life is worth living. And today is one of those days I need to work on that extra hard.

I hope I will get me through this day and wake up to a  en morning tomorrow. I hope so

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #47 on: December 19, 2016, 07:38:41 PM »
29 days without PMO.  No urges at all, don't want it. That's good. But all this anxiety I don't know how to deal with is killing me.

Today I told myself it was a good day. Then I reflected a ut was is a good day. Or a normal day in my life. And my conclusion was really sad when in hit me.

A normal day when I would say I feel good. Is typical today, some hard to get up from bed in the morning. Just enjoin time to eat, but not brush tees or think about what u wearing... Working all day without any really low feelings and just wanting to go home. And no thoughs of suicide. And today I even had thoughts about suicide several times. I though about what I will write in my last letter and how I want it to be read at my funeral.

Isn't it sad, this is one typical "good" day in my life....
The bad days u don't want to hear of... They are hell

All I want is a better life, and I thought that quitting PMO would help me a little...  But as what I was afraid off, it seems to have very little to do with my life of anxiety.

I will not begin using again  anyways, I didn't quit for my health, I did it because of my religious beliefs.

I hope it will be better soon, I dont know how long I will make it more...


gazz

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #48 on: December 20, 2016, 08:52:09 AM »
Hey mate. What's going on? In one post you say your wife is with you but isn't interested in you. And then you say she's left you and won't answer your calls?

If she's left, I'm so sorry to hear that. It's so important that you don't use PMO as a solution. It sounds like you know that, which is great. If she does come back, and you're PMO'ing and in an emotional mess, she won't be back for long. You have to become the person you want to be, the person she wants to be with.

In my experience, when someone leaves, the best thing to do is not barrage them with messages about how you miss them, need them, and will beg for them to come back. Write one simple message saying you love them, and you want to see them but you understand they want time away. Say you are here, you are ready for them if they decide to come back. You're thinking about the relationship and working hard on improving yourself so things will be better if you have the opportunity to work on the relationship again. Then comes the hard bit, you give them space. That gives them a chance to miss you and think of your awesome last message. Later you can send a simple message perhaps weekly, no begging, no 'needing', but 'checking in', you hope they're ok and you're thinking about them.

That's just my experience. And I thought it was worth mentioning, because when people leave us, we can go mad with self pity and neediness and become even less attractive to our partners. Choose an amount of time to be sad each day, then take some deep breaths and leave the sadness alone for the rest of the day. Work on improving your life, yourself, your nofapping resolve. You might need a new activity to focus your mind on, because now you have to not think about porn or how much you miss your partner - I assure you, there's nothing positive about thinking about either of those things. take walks, experience nature, appreciate music and literature... Good art and seeing the beauty in the world is how a lot of people 'escape' after suffering long hours in a shit job.

Hope this helps. Best of luck mate

Gazz

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #49 on: December 20, 2016, 10:11:19 AM »
Thank you for your time Gazz.

Your words are so true. Buti have not been clear enough I see. But thats probably because I write to myself more then to you guys :)

My wife is with me and she working on helping me. But one day she don't talk with me even if she notice I'm low.  She have no issues about me PMO, shes not low,  bitter or in some way less interested in me now the  before I told her about my PMO. The thing is that she is so into her own world and into her own life, that she sometimes forget she is married and have a relationship with me. She have admitted this and see that her behavior is one clue to my depression and being lowly.

On the other hand she now know about it, and she want to do efforts to do it better. And slowly,  slowly she does. But some days she back to her old, and watch TV all day when I just feel like I wanna kill my self... 

The person I did talk about, who left me, it was my friend who one day said she didn't wanted to be close friends anymore, because she felt strange, and didn't know what that feeling was before. But now she knows that feelings is not correct...  I did feel the same but I wanted and have tried for long to work through it and stay friends. I felt like the relationship was worth it, but she wanted to go.  So I let her, bit I don't got opportunity to really say what I wanted.  I just kept all to myself and told her it was fine.

Then some months later she wants to meet again. We did meet, with my wife, and I felt like my friend wanted me back. But she was also nervous. I didn't gave in, and kept a distance to her. I don't want to get her close to me again, she knew how much I would broke down if she leaved. And she knew I have difficulties to trust people. She knew about my anxiety and my struggles. So from now on I will be nice to her but I will not have her close in my life anymore. I don't trust her, she broke my heart when she told me she felt strange with me and don't want to be close friends anymore.

Maybe it's me, but wither usage friends or u are not. If u feel strange when u are with someone, why do u even want to hang out? Just to be nice? It doesn't make sense.

I do get u about replacing habits...  But I have some issues a out that. Because my anxiety kicks in when I want to change habits...  I do things because I need to, not because I want to. Even taking a shower is goalsetter and I need several days to manage to accomplish it.

I take walks, but I m not presence, I look down on my feet while walking with my head down, deep inside my head. I need to lift up my head and see all the colors. When I lift my head, and see things around me, I'm getting sad for not being able to feel good about what I have.

When I finally do something that I do want to do, I feel selfish and that I should have done other things instead. So I don't do the things I want, because my anxiety tells my I'm worthless and don't worthy enough to have fun.

I do want someone to talk to, irl, who are willing to stay at my side what so ever, willing to just listen and not judge. My friend who left, she did that. That's why I misses her, or that feeling. My wife is not that good listener yet...

After she been listening to me, she would ask me. So how do you think about my listening skills, have it been aproved since last time?  And she is all in on doing her thing more then really listen...

On about replacing habits...  When I did feel the energy of wanting to make a new life and put up some new goals, I talked to my spiritual mentors in my church. They didn't see the same thing as I did. They told me I was not regretful enough, so the disfellowed me.  So every time I do anything spiritual my anxiety kicks in and tells my I'm not worthy a spiritual life anymore, I'm worthless and I'm not approved to have any relationship with God.

What I know about PMO, Spiruality, psychology and leadership. My mentors should have encouraged me to keep walking on my new energzied life path. But instead they gave me the opposite, so now I question myself, my beliefs and my feelings all the time. What they told me is like I don't trust my own feelings. I felt like I could leave all behind now and start this new life. And they said I need to be more regretfull and need to think about everything one more time...


I been talking to my therapist about this several times. And he is also spiritual minded person.  He is with me all the way on this. I had the right feelings, but my mentors couldn't handle the story of my life. So if I do what I feels right, I will go against my mentors advices, and they will think I'm not humble enough or don't want to listen  to them. But if I do that I will get the energy to come back to the church. But if I do listen to their advice I will feel lowly and depressed and will probably start PMO again...  So it feels like I'm trapped in between and what I ever do it will give me anxiety...