Author Topic: First relapse  (Read 27551 times)

Edit_undo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 171
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #175 on: December 11, 2018, 09:41:35 PM »
Mobilfreak,
That whole scenario sounds horribly devastating. I admire your courage to realize that this relationship is not good for you and having the strength to start over in a new city. I have not experienced anything like this so I truly can’t imagine how difficult it must be. In your previous posts you mentioned you were seeing a therapist- have you continued to meet with them throughout this ordeal? I would consider therapy a critical part of overcoming this transition. If you are too far away from your past therapist perhaps they can recommend someone in your new city. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help, even if it’s just venting experiences on here.

Wishing you all the best.

mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #176 on: December 12, 2018, 01:29:51 AM »
Mobilfreak,
That whole scenario sounds horribly devastating. I admire your courage to realize that this relationship is not good for you and having the strength to start over in a new city. I have not experienced anything like this so I truly can’t imagine how difficult it must be. In your previous posts you mentioned you were seeing a therapist- have you continued to meet with them throughout this ordeal? I would consider therapy a critical part of overcoming this transition. If you are too far away from your past therapist perhaps they can recommend someone in your new city. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help, even if it’s just venting experiences on here.

Wishing you all the best.

Thanks mate!

It is the hardest decision I have ever made in my life! And I s so freaking painful!

I am still talking with my therapist, for now it's once a week.

New reset of the timer after I sent this post yesterday. Aaargh.

I wish, I will, I can make it happen!

mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #177 on: December 13, 2018, 01:37:48 PM »
It's interesting, I have only lived my life and I can't compare it to another life.

When u are young, u don't understand anything else. Everything you deal with is real and the only thing that is.

Now when I'm older. Many people tell me. What have u been thru in your life? It must be tough.

What do I know? I don't know anything else. But as older I get, the more I understand. The things I been thru is not that common. And it it some of the hardest things to go thru.

Its time to love myself. Becuse Noone have never done it so far.

Peace

mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #178 on: December 14, 2018, 12:27:57 PM »
New reset yesterday.

More tears.

Don't know yet if I am really in this for this time.



mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #179 on: December 15, 2018, 06:03:43 AM »
Reset again


Day 0

mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #180 on: December 16, 2018, 12:53:31 PM »
I hate weekends.

No one I can be with and don't feel to do anything.

Sleep, PMO, repeat.

I'm Lonley

mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #181 on: December 20, 2018, 02:13:19 AM »
Cry little baby cry

Day 2. No PMO

I'm on right place

mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #182 on: December 24, 2018, 06:52:48 AM »
Day 2

Yesterday I drove total 2.5 hours to my ex and leave her a box of thing that was hers.

She was at work. And I didn't know how she was doing, and I didn't want to mess my own feelings now. So just put it at her car as she wanted. And I sent her a text where the box was. And I told her I didn't feel like meeting her.

As I thought. She didnt replay to that.

I'm not emotional for that. And that's a big achievement for me.

I do belive thou that it's sad she have so difficulty to talk with me. That's why I didn't want to meet. I didn't know where she was emotionally, and I wasn't strong enough to say no if I saw her sad and down. What if he was going to cry? Would I be able to not comfort her.

I also know that this box of hers, she was not responsible enough to pic it up her self. And I didn't want it in my house.

I though about do throw it in the trash. But that would o my make it possible to backfire in the future.

So I felt the best thing would be doing like this.

I was not able to do in another way. And I was forced to play her game to make this switch.

But now, I don't have anything more with her. I think. So I can move on.

Keep my life prioritiy and focus on my goals.

mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #183 on: January 01, 2019, 07:19:59 AM »
It's hard this time.

Day zero again. And been day zero for one week now. I hate holidays. All alone and nothing to do. And feeling lonely. Noone to talk to. And missing my ex. Well not really missing her. Missing a partner.

Well I have noticed it's do things I have to fight now. One is my pmo and one is my co dependency to ex wife.

I have known it before. But before I was with her every day. And had to fight it with her. And kept down the spiral everyday even if I wanted do different, my wife wanted me to help her. And I felt sorry for her.

So I have decided to fight one addiction and then do the other. It's hard enough to deal with one. I want so badly call my ex and let her come and cuddle with me. No more. Just want someone to hug. Want to tell her I'm sorry. And that I want her back.

I always realize. Thats her job to do. She cheated. She leaved me. She have not talked with me. It's she who should say sorry for not fighting for us. And start to be honest.

I have not talked to her for a long time now. I hope it's getting easier.

I'm looking forward to 2019. Will have my revange!

Hey I did a good thing yesterday thou. Tjat om really proud of.

A new female friend from work sent me a happy new year pic and talked with me. I felt it was something else going on here. But I couldn't stop talking with her. We are colluges. We talked about life and anxiety. And I did understand that she also is codependent, from childhood, and sort of addicted to relationships like I am.

I was on guard and did my best to avoid her invites. She have recently broke up with her bf. Who I am also sort of working with stil after the breakup.

She then sent me a pic of her in her underwear and told me she was feeling like she wanted to "cuddle".

It was not what I had waited for and was a bit confused and chocked. How should I do now? She didn't want me for sex, she was lonely, she didn't really understood that. I couldn't tell her. I didn't want to embarrass her. And I didnt want to do anything that made her ex jealous and angry at me.

So I did what a man got to do. I told her I still loved my wife and couldn't go that path with her. And I told her I feel like it will be strange to work together if we do this.

She did understand, she said. (time will tell)

I was pmo later, but it was still a victory, I said no when I deep inside knew it was the best!


mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #184 on: January 19, 2019, 09:59:07 AM »
Wooow

This is so interesting and fun!

Friends I had for some time when I was married. Now flirt with me. I have to girls who texted me and by themselves started to flirt and told me they was feeling horny.

Its sooo strange. Don't really know how to react to that. It's cool.

And guess what? I'm going for a date tonight.

And I have this war in my head. Shall I have sex with her?
Somewhere I feel it's not good for my relationship with God. One thing is I want it so badly. Not the sex itself. But I really really would like to have someone to hold in my arms. And I want to cuddle.

I want to be honest with this girl. And I can feel she likes me too. It was sparkles when we met first time.

Would like to sleep at her place and only cuddle. But don't know if we could let it be that. And don't know how much I Wanna tell her about my past.

Well that's one happy thing

Second one is that my ex called some week ago. And she said she was sorry, she really understood what a idiot she had been for a long time. And she understood that it must-have been difficult for me to be with her. She admitted for the first time she was not ready for a long serious relationship. She should have told me and be more upfront from the beginning.

And now to the third thing.

No PMO for 14 days!!!


mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #185 on: January 20, 2019, 06:02:05 AM »
Day 15

Wooow it's unreal!

Cinema and some coffee and sodas, and 6 hours long date.
It was really strange, unbelievable, we was close. And she mirrored my body language. She was beautiful, we had fun. Laughed and even touched eacher.

I my guts told me to kiss her. But I didn't. I don't want to rush, and I do not know what to do. Lol.

I want it to go slow. I don't want to rush anything. But man, this really helps me to focus and feel like life is worth living. I'm free.

I want to start to gym and want to move to my own place.
I want to start a new life.

To be honest. I want a life, start from zero. Stop my church activies. And my business. Everything.
I want to reborn again!

And I would like to make the pace of my own. It's only making me sad to go to church. Becuse there is only people smiling and acting like we are friends. But Noone really wanna spend time with me.

There is so much "doing right" instead of "living right"

But if I leave. It feels like I leaving God too. And I don't want that. I need to make a decision for this. And go all in!


mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #186 on: January 20, 2019, 12:36:02 PM »
Just saw that my diary have over 21 000 views. Thats sick!

Would be Nice to hear from dome of you

mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #187 on: January 22, 2019, 02:07:35 AM »
Day 17

My libido is really low. But I am craving hugs, touches, closeness. Just wanna cuddle with someone.

I was on date last Saturday, we obvious liked each other. She allowed me to hold her and be tight. We had a great time.

I don't know what to do.

I belive in God, and I want to please him. He is really clear in the Bible what he say about sex with someone you are not married with.

Also he say that a relationship should be built on respect and love for each other.

And I am trying to understand this like a wise grown up parant telling his son or daughter what will be the best for him/her.

My conclusion is that I need to wait for marriage to lay. But also I don't want it to be like my therapist told me last time.
"I belive marry for sex is wrong, and that's easy it will be like that with those strict rules from many churches."

We talked about its better to be responsible, act like an adult.  Be respectful.

And as more I think about that, my opinion does change. And I keep asking myself.

What is it the Bible really wanna tell us about sex. Not that sex is wrong. But if you don't act responsible, you will probably get problems.

As more as I dig in to it, God's word tells me that sex can be like a god. And when you use your life to get pleasure, that's when you serve pleasure, before God. When we seek out things, when we have additctions for something. That's what God mean, I think, we should stay away from.

Like drinking. Jesus made wine. But Paul told us to not be a drinker. There must be some balance there.

Paul also talked about being married in the lord. To have a partner who share the same interest in the same God. So it don't will get an issue between the partners.

So with all this. I ask my self. Am I really grown up and an adult if I choose to go on date with girls, and of i choose to go to bed with one of them. Is that really respectful? Is that love? Or is that pleasureseeking?

Even if we both seek pleasure, and don't care about a serious relationship right now. Is it still an act of love and respect?

My guts tells me. Don't do it. Stop right now.
And my broken heart yelling. Please hug me, please hug me.

How can I sooth the pain of my heart without PMO or sex?

I need to figure this out before I make any mistake I regret and give it all up.

imaquitter

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 222
  • Personal Text
    I will make it! More determined than ever!
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #188 on: January 22, 2019, 05:17:53 AM »
Plenty of other things to get dopamine from. Remember that your brain is only addicted to dopamine. Your mind and your thoughts says domamine=PMO or other ways of getting O.

I belive that it's important for your healing that you avoid casual sex. You want love, not sex. Love takes time to build.

So find other sources of dopamine  ;)
First reboot, august 29, 2018 (49d, 3xPMO slip, no binging)
2nd attempt, october 19, 2018 90 days w/o PMO!



HM from now?

mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #189 on: January 26, 2019, 11:30:10 AM »
Plenty of other things to get dopamine from. Remember that your brain is only addicted to dopamine. Your mind and your thoughts says domamine=PMO or other ways of getting O.

I belive that it's important for your healing that you avoid casual sex. You want love, not sex. Love takes time to build.

So find other sources of dopamine  ;)


Well if I'm addicted to dopamine. All sources of dopamine will have an impact on my addiction.

I need love. That's true. I think I will talk to here about it. Being honest. I like it where I am, but I  want to build a relationship and I have time. I don't need to rush anything.

It seams like she is the same kind of girl.

Now it's day 21.

Home and sick today. Fever.
But getting better already.

I just finished a 40 minutes long guided meditation. Half through I was crying and I felt how the pain was lifting off my chest. Now I feel relaxed and motivated to do some cleaning.

I also have looked at my budget for this year and decided to stay where I live now. And get on track. It good to live here, I can't do much things and spend.

Within 6 months I will be able to be free from debt and start to save money. And when I'm debtfree. I probably also don't need my therapist more. And can save even more money to make my dreams come true.

After the divorce, my dreams start to light up again. I feel like I can make it. And want to make it.

And I also understand now why I stopped dream before. Becuse everytime I did do some too with my ex. She wasn't present. She was alway afraid. And it ended up that I didn't want her with me. She always ruined the atmosphere by acting like a scared little girl who alway needed to be taken care of. She never loose up and enjoyed the time together.

Her goal was not to enjoy, bit to make me enjoy, so I would like to take her with me mor times. In other words. She wanted to be likeable.

Now when I met this ned girl. I can really see us doing stuff and enjoy it together in the future.

One old friend I haven't talked to for over 5 years texted me yesterday. She had found out I was single. She told me to get some tinder dates and enjoy some ons. She was open and was a bit flirty.

Intresting how you can feel alone and Lonley, no one wants you, when u are in a relationship. And now when I'm single. Girls I never noticed before come up and try to flirt with me and want to go on a date.

Its like they been attracted for some time and now finally see their chance.

I feel it's a bit desperate. And it's not how I want it. I married for love once. I thought. And it didn't work. So I will not rush anything this time.

mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #190 on: February 04, 2019, 04:07:14 PM »
Day 30!!!!

Yeay!

No PMO for one month! I'm happy

imaquitter

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 222
  • Personal Text
    I will make it! More determined than ever!
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #191 on: February 05, 2019, 03:04:50 AM »
That's really great mobilefreak. We're by your side!
First reboot, august 29, 2018 (49d, 3xPMO slip, no binging)
2nd attempt, october 19, 2018 90 days w/o PMO!



HM from now?

Edit_undo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 171
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #192 on: February 05, 2019, 09:09:42 AM »
Hey mobilfreak, sounds like some good healing and self discovery going on for you. I’m happy for you and congrats on 1 month clean!

mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #193 on: February 11, 2019, 05:27:58 PM »
Day 36

Its good, im calm. Focused.


I met my ex this weekend, and I choose to take a Coffee with her. My idea.

We talked. Mostly she did. I eased her heart and encouruged her to keep up The work.

I felt that i didnt had any emotions for her as a, wife or gf anymore. And I had NO grudges at all.
I saw how burden she was, and I could finaly distance to it and let hef know she is loved, i forgivven her, im a friend.

I told her i want ger to know, that i want het to lusten to me. Not as in calling me every Day and ask for advise. But to have my voice in here head

You are worthy a Great life, enjoy it!


She cried of relife and felt that i confirmed her feelings. She starts to unferstand for real that she list a Great guy and husband.



I am looking forward, Will kerp focus on my life. My dreams.

One step a time!

Tomorrow Its Day 37


Ladt time i did this i had cravings around Day 3, 10 and 45.

So i am pre paring for some obdtacles. Get ny guard up.

mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #194 on: February 14, 2019, 12:52:00 PM »
Day 39

I feeling unbalanced today. I'm a bot sad becuse my mom shut me out :(

I was at a big conference about personal development and how to make dreams and goals in life. I texted her in the weekend and said it was amazing and that she really really need to come with me next time.

Her only reply. "I hear you having a good time."

She didn't answer. I felt so Lonley. That I made something wrong.

I could not sleep for two nights.

Until I understood I was angry and sad. I didn't know how Iwould tellw her.

Two days later she invited med to a gathering. The invetation was as following.

I have invited some people from the church to the bathhouse. I you wanna come you are welcome. Maybe your friends wanna come too?


The friends she was talking about was the girl and her family I been talking about here before.

This was not a real invetstion that my mom wanted me to be there. I was one of the last ones she was inviting. And she suggested that I should bring people there.

I ask her what she was doing?
She didn't answer my question. She invites me to test if I wanna see her and if I am angry at her. And she want me to invite people she don't wanna call herself. And she know I don't wanna meet them. Becuse I told her one week ago.


She said she was sorry and that she told me before she don't wanna be att the conference.

I told her I'm sad becuse she don't understand what I am asking about. And sad that she don't wanna know either.

She said had a new excuse about she don't have energy and can't go only to not make me sad.

Once again I told her that I am sad she don't wanna communicate. Or willing to understand.

She didn't answer.

Now she is sending comments on Instagram like she is trying to show that she is sorry.

I have been talking with my therapist about it before and the conclusion is that my mom don't wanna be responsible for her own acts and she is not growing up.

My therapist told me I'm doing good. I stay in the feeling and are not afraid to confront the emotions and deal with them. And my mom she u understand she can't go around this issues like she done before.

I respect my self enough now, that I don't let people disrespect me.

I show clearly where my line is and she is not allowed to cross it!

The thing is. That if I was on a vacation and I texted her and said it was amazing, and said I wanted her to be with me next time. She would felt loved and hally becuse I wanted to stay with her for a time. It was a honest invitation, I wanted her at my side and enjoy life together.

That why it made me so sad that she did ignore my invitation and started to play games.  She put her emotions on me like what I am doing is wrong.

But when I was telling her how I felt it was lifted off my shoulders. I gave it back to her.

But she won't hold it herself. So she try to give it away again.


Its the same game my ex played. That's why I so easyliy play with them and end up beating on my self.

I quit that and will not allow it. Therefor she need to carry her own burdens. And I need to stay away from here so I can heal!

But it's hard. She is my mom. And I have already closed the door to my dad.

I feel like I will be really really lonely if I push this all the way. But I need to do it. For my own best.



mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #195 on: February 15, 2019, 01:47:40 AM »
Day 0

:(

imaquitter

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 222
  • Personal Text
    I will make it! More determined than ever!
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #196 on: February 15, 2019, 09:46:00 AM »
I understand that you feel sorry about how your mother manipulates you. But you will not give up. One relapse only. Think about how far you have come. You are starting to stand up against your mom's misbehavior and I'm proud of you! She will respect you eventually. And you will manage to set the borders for your relationship.

All the best mobilefreak! You really are brave. Remember that!
First reboot, august 29, 2018 (49d, 3xPMO slip, no binging)
2nd attempt, october 19, 2018 90 days w/o PMO!



HM from now?

mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #197 on: February 16, 2019, 03:06:00 PM »
I understand that you feel sorry about how your mother manipulates you. But you will not give up. One relapse only. Think about how far you have come. You are starting to stand up against your mom's misbehavior and I'm proud of you! She will respect you eventually. And you will manage to set the borders for your relationship.

All the best mobilefreak! You really are brave. Remember that!


Thanks matr. Thats what i needed to hear.


I told my therapist about this site. And that sometimes people replay like this. And remind me about its love i need. Thank you! Really

mobilfreak

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 260
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #198 on: February 16, 2019, 03:27:52 PM »
Day 2

Yesterday my mom texted and kept manipulate me. I stood firm and did not move an inch. Aftet a while she said she Will think about everything and Come back. She have not yet. :(

I showed my therapist what inwrote. He told me it was clear and respectful. I did good.

A big burden was lifted and I enjoyed The Day. Took some wine and listened to some good music and chatted in some chatrooms.

Ended up wihh a RP with someone. It was really pushy and I felt uncofortable. Was surreal and pushed in a direction i didnt want to. But i am to Nice so i kept going for the sake of the RP. Dont wanna make other people sad.

I dont know why i take such a big responsibility for other people feelings.

That RP made me feel sad and anxious. So all Day i have been sleepikg. Wanting to erase it and I feel like trash again.

NO pmo. Thats good. But i feel real bad.


On top of that, my ex texted me this morning, i understood it was red alert, she have only contaacted me once before. She asked me toncallnher becuse she needed to talk. So i didn all her.

Dont know where to begin. She have been raped and she have NO one she trust and can talk to. And she dont know what to do abkut it. The guy texted her and manipulate her to dont say anything. She is suicidal again. The guy is married.

She propobly got raped. But she allowed it to happen. Thats her problem. She feel sad and so bad. When someone flirt with her she feel noticed. She dont want sex but The guy build it up and trick her. And she say no at fist. Byt later she is afraid and to kind. So she let them do it. Like she dont own her own life.

She had pushed this guy away, told him no, but ha had grabed her arm and said stop it. She was afarid.
And now he is textning her every Day to dont say anything.


I dont feel sorry for her. I dont feel like she is doing this to me. Im not devestaded or feel betrayed. I really feel sad that she have that kind of life and have so much difficulties to make it good.

She is brave and I think its going to be good in The end.

And I dont wanna rescure her. But again. I am afraid she will commit suicide :( and I do really care and love her. Its so sad we cabt stay together becuse hear mental health.

I feel i need to leave it all, leave mom, dad and wife. Like its the only way to get peace in my mind and soul.

But how could i do that? Its so Hard, it feel selfish.




imaquitter

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 222
  • Personal Text
    I will make it! More determined than ever!
    • View Profile
Re: First relapse
« Reply #199 on: February 16, 2019, 06:28:55 PM »
Caring for yourself is not selfish. Who are you gonna help if you don't help yourself. Put on your ow oxygen mask first.
And remember: Some people are black holes. They suck out all your energy. Avoid them.

And don't try to help a person who really don't want any help. Try to roll the stones already in motion, not the ones with moss on.

(Hope you understand and that I'm not to figurative. Talking to you now was therapy for myself)
First reboot, august 29, 2018 (49d, 3xPMO slip, no binging)
2nd attempt, october 19, 2018 90 days w/o PMO!



HM from now?