Author Topic: My way out already started  (Read 1798 times)

drstrangelove

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 10
    • View Profile
My way out already started
« on: October 28, 2015, 11:02:48 AM »
Hello,

  first of all I have to apology for my poor English writing (not native speaker), I'll do my best.
You cannot imagine the release of pressure I have felt when I found YBOP and this site.
Somehow, my last 20 years now make sense. Please, let me share with you my untold lengthy story.

I found my first porn magazine when I was about 9 or 10 years old.
I remember it shocked me bad (it was not a playboy, it was hardcore) and it produced on me an intense brain saturating sensation I have never felt before.
The next year two things happened: I learned what were these pictures for, and I got my first PC computer.
I knew my cousin had some porn pics on his PC, so I ran to his house to get a copy (literally, I sprinted and I could feel my heart bumping just of thinking about them).
A couple of months later I had my own collection, and I believe it was a turning point in my life.
My two main activities where masturbating or finding ways to keep spending time in front of the computer.
I slowly noticed that I was not feeling comfortable with people (social anxiety), particularly with girls, and I wasn't able to think clearly.
I thought it was my personality, and that masturbating helped me coping with all that.

Fast-forward to my 20s, I was studying computer science at the university. Obviously I excelled at it, I had a compulsive behavior developed around it.
I have been programming, building, playing, hacking, and masturbating on porn and IRC chat for the last 7 years.
I was so good with computers that I even got a job when I was 16 as a system administrator on a small company.
That was my first contact with a broadband Internet connection. Shortly after, I had my own hidden folder with pics in the company's server! (and masturbated in the toilets). I obviously got caught (the server pics) by an older colleague, but instead of exposing me, he would keep joking with double meaning phrases that only I would understand at every team meeting. After a while, the whole team knew about the pics, we joked about them regularly, and they even tried to be supportive finding me a real girl. In a nutshell, instead of being sanctioned, I was celebrated, sort of a "virgin at 20s".

Everything continued as normal, however after a couple of years, I started noticing that the aftermath of a porn session let me in a mind state that I was unable to reason logically at all (fog), I could not focus, I was irritable, I could not remember stuff (i.e a 3 digit number), etc. I noticed that my penis, when hard, was slightly curved towards the shape of my hand. Still suffering from social anxiety, no interest into talking girls (I just wanted to screw them like a piece of meat), I said enough is enough.
I looked for information on the internet, but everything I found was "masturbation is ok" or "it's devils work". I could certainly tell that the first was not true, and I am not a religious person so neither of them worked for me. I decided I had to stop when I was 21, and I succeeded for months. I increased training (I had been training gymnastics for 10 years at that time). I kept myself away from the computer as much as I could, and it payed off, it was around that time when I met my wife.

The following years were a roller-coaster. The way I achieved my no-porn period was to avoid staying in my head as much as I could, and that affected my university performance (I started failing exams). Moreover, having sex shook down the delicate mental equilibrium I was in. I wanted more, and my GF was not around all the time, so I went back to porn.
However, this time I told myself I had to be disciplined. I put together some rules to decide what day at what time could I masturbate (depending on classes, training, calendar, etc). This partially worked, I succeeded in the exams and in the relationship, but it had an unwanted side-effect. Everything I did, it was to get to the day I was allowed to masturbate on porn. I was like an automata, doing stuff that felt less and less interesting, just to get to the porn day.

After a couple of years, the relationship was in automatic pilot, it was sex -> study -> train -> porn -> ... I did what society expected from me, but I did not felt most of it, I just wanted my dopamine shot. One day I had an argument with my GF (unaware of my porn addiction), and I confessed all of it. She was surprised, but did not realize how conditioning had it been in my life (childhood, adolescence, career, etc). She said she would support and help me, so she started trying to compete with the porn, and realize my fantasies. This kinda worked for some years, I was getting more and longer pleasure with her than from porn, but it never actually went away. We even used porn together from time to time, I was still on dope.

On the last year of my career, I got a scholarship to do a PhD abroad, so we got married and flew oversees. This was the first time we would live under the same roof, it meant unlimited sex supply yay! At the time, when I was choosing a topic for research, I noticed a strange apathy towards the options, little more-little less they all looked the same to me. So I did what I was used to do, choose what it was most expected of me in my university environment. I ended up in a difficult, abstract, and obscure area of theoretical research, despite I was not being really able to tell apart what did I feel most passionate about for the last couple of years.
How did I cope with it? Rules discipline: sex -> study -> porn -> .... however this time was different. I worked mostly alone in my own office, I traveled a lot alone, and sex with my wife started not to be like it was for two reasons: age and routine. She was not as fit as she used to be, and the fantasies did not produce what they used to. Instead, porn kept providing an unlimited supply of young girls doing more and more.

Three years later I got my PhD, but I felt a total voidness for what I have done. I was happy of course and with a short sense of fulfillment, but I was not able to find the sense of passion that is mandatory to do research, nor the connections in the research community. I suffered such social anxiety at conferences that I spent most of the time in my hotel room masturbating to cope with the pressure.
Back in our country, I thought that academia wasn't for me, so I switched to the industry. Again, after a year I was in the same anxious, paranoic whats-wrong-with-me state, so I went back to the academia as a postdoctoral researcher, with little change.
For the last couple of years, I've been feeling like an empty shell, totally depleted of passion for anything I do (except porn). I function as robot that mimics the expected behaviors, but I realize I've been stuck in my career and family because I can not feel, nor empathize.

The good news is that I have a great new motivation to go ahead, we recently had a child!, and I desperately want to be able to feel the real experience of loving her and knowing the real me.
I've been without porn already for 1 week and 3 days. I had a couple of nights with problems to get sleep, and yesterday I woke up in the middle of the night with a burning from the inside. I think I can really do it, as I did it once. Thank you for putting together this site man!!!!
 

drstrangelove

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 10
    • View Profile
Re: My way out already started
« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2015, 12:19:52 PM »
Two weeks and four days already, everything goes pretty smooth. I crave from time to time, but only for a few minutes and not too often. I definitely notice an increase in energy that leads to some anxiety, I need to learn how to control that. :)

drstrangelove

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 10
    • View Profile
Re: My way out already started
« Reply #2 on: November 10, 2015, 08:39:02 PM »
Three weeks and two days in! Although, I start to feel quite anxious. My wife is taking care of the baby and obviously she is not in the mood for anything else. I feel like I'm living in an abbey, I should get a robe and drill a water well in the back yard LOL :P

drstrangelove

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 10
    • View Profile
Re: My way out already started
« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2015, 08:23:28 AM »
Three weeks and one day in :)
Anxiety and craving spiked at the end of last week, but I start to feel more relaxed now.
I assume this will ease with time, right?
What I do notice is a reduction of social anxiety, things go smoother and I do not have pronounced ups and downs in my mood, I'm more optimistic overall.

drstrangelove

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 10
    • View Profile
Re: My way out already started
« Reply #4 on: November 19, 2015, 07:23:01 AM »
Three weeks, four days and counting. Today I woke up and I realized I have had a wet dream. Is that a good or bad thing? Should I worry?

BailHopper

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 339
    • View Profile
Re: My way out already started
« Reply #5 on: November 19, 2015, 07:23:47 AM »
That's a good thing. It's a natural process  :)
Join me on rTribe, my user handle is bail
I have a blog about quitting porn, with tips on how to quit and rebuild yourself as well. Visit me here: Blog about beating porn addiction

drstrangelove

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 10
    • View Profile
Re: My way out already started
« Reply #6 on: November 22, 2015, 07:42:53 PM »
Today its a month without PMO! I am feeling quite comfortable, anxiety is low, and I have energy. I think I'm entering the flat line because I do not have that burning desire to screw all that walks.

drstrangelove

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 10
    • View Profile
Re: My way out already started
« Reply #7 on: November 27, 2015, 09:46:04 AM »
33 days already :)
I still crave from time to time, but so far I was able to control it.
That being said, last night I had a dream that would have ended wet if the phone hadn't ring.
What is strange is that I was not dreaming having sex, instead I was watching porn!
This is the first time I remember such a dream, and I believe it is related with the reboot process.

BailHopper

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 339
    • View Profile
Re: My way out already started
« Reply #8 on: November 28, 2015, 10:23:16 AM »
33 days already :)
I still crave from time to time, but so far I was able to control it.
That being said, last night I had a dream that would have ended wet if the phone hadn't ring.
What is strange is that I was not dreaming having sex, instead I was watching porn!
This is the first time I remember such a dream, and I believe it is related with the reboot process.

I believe it is too. It's your brain actually craving your addiction, maybe even trying to trick you into viewing it again. I've seen multiple reports of people who have porn dreams. It's supposed to be normal. Don't worry about it :)
Join me on rTribe, my user handle is bail
I have a blog about quitting porn, with tips on how to quit and rebuild yourself as well. Visit me here: Blog about beating porn addiction

drstrangelove

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 10
    • View Profile
Re: My way out already started
« Reply #9 on: January 10, 2020, 12:23:07 PM »
Ok, guys, I am necroposting to my old topic because I finally did it.
When I first posted back in 2015 I failed after a few days and never attempted NoFap again until a few months ago.
I am currently 124 days on NoFap, this is my longest streak so far (and second attempt at NoFap)!
It was a hell of a roller-coaster, but my brain-fog is gone, my memory is back, and my confidence is on the rise.
But more importantly, with NoFap I am finally able to experience feelings other than anxiety and depression.
I got into PMO at young age (around 12) so I have almost no memories of living without porn.
I am in a process of self re-discovery learning again what do I like and what did I thought I liked but it was influenced by the dopamine abuse.
Keep it up!!