Author Topic: First relapse  (Read 27618 times)

mobilfreak

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First relapse
« on: November 22, 2016, 03:19:43 PM »
Okey, it was the 8th of october, i was at a seminar and listend about self delveloment and during one talk, i feeled alive for the first time for many year. I will describe the feeling as i finally felt i loved myself, and i could throw my old bad life away for good, its up to me. Im been depressed for long time, only some days before the seminar I had convinced myself to jump infront of a train. But at that seminar i changed my mind and i wanted to live. Im religous and had guilt for my faping and PMO'ing for long times, tried to quit, but always failed...

This time one the other hand it was different, i felt like i didnt care about what other people would think of me so i even confessed for my wife about my almost 20 year addiction and my decision to kill myself... She was chocked to hear i wanted to end my life, but she wanted to support med and help me... Thank u wonderfull wife!!

During that time i felt so good, I had controll over myself and i loved the life... My wife liked the new me and was rally happy about it.

It took 39 days, i felt sad, down again, and fell asleep. When I woke up I was M. and the good new me was gone, and the old one ruled my brain and some seconds later i was googling.

I counted it as a relapse, even if it started during my sleep. But then after that, its been so hard to find back to the new me again, and been relapsed again now a week later.

This is my first time with all this education from here and facts about addiction and all. Before i have just wondered why i couldnt stop even if i really wanted.

Now i need help and support to learn more about the struggle. I will reach my 90 days!!!

Any suggestions to get back the motivation, because right now im back to the old "well i did it already so i can do it again" i start again tomorrow. Im happy for the 39 days, its the best for many years. in 2005 i did 6 month.

now i m back to day 0
« Last Edit: November 22, 2016, 03:27:52 PM by makkehedin »

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #1 on: November 24, 2016, 03:26:11 PM »
Some information about me and about my life.

I am 31 years old, married for 9 years, been using sex as painkillers almost all my life. My first memories about sex is from when i am around 3-4 years old. First contact with porn as I remember was when i was about 5 years old. Some friends at the neighbourhood have found a magazine and all guys got their chance to point on a women and tell openly for everyone what we wanted to do. I remember how the older ones laught little and sort of thought that i didnt know what sex was. But my biggest dream at that age was to go down on a girl.

When we moved to a new city and i began school i started to flash myself for the girls in the shower and walk in to their lockerroom after the gymnastics lessons. I also tried to get into the pants on some girls by playing games with them and ask them politly if i could go down. I also at the age of 8-10 locked me in a room with a girl and pushed her into a corner to make her take of my pants and play with me...

When i was about 14 i started to visit my dad, who never lived with my mom, and he got internet, with the great 14,4kpbs modem :)  I was curious about internet and just surfed around and checked all his bookmarks to see what it was. I found one called X-rated, it was full of bookmarks, all screen up to down. At this time I have been started to read the bible and sort of understood that this stuff i found, is not good for me. So I shut it down and tried to stay away. and i belived tha M was wrong to do, so I never did that.

from the age of 14-17 i did regulary flash myself in public but never M. i think i was 17 when i first M. and that made me feel good, my anxiety was gone and i belive that was the begining of the end. one day did the cops showed up at my door and i was arrested for my sexual behaviour. Did start to talk with a therpist, well, that was what i was ordered to do, but it was full, they didnt have time for me, so i never got the help i needed.

I quited flashing but instead i began PMO and camchat. i was still struggling, but I didnt have internet at that time, so my PMO was pretty low, maybe once a month or less, it was not really Porn at that time, it was mostly bikinipics of modells and so, but it was enough to make me feel important. and that feeling is always what i have searching for in mu addiction. to feel like the girl wanted me.

some years later, i was 19, I did work in the same city as my dad, and i lived at his place, and he had now high speed internet, so i worked 15 hours per day at a restaurant, and then chat, had camsex and watched porn during night, i slept maybe 2-4 hours per day. At this time, I found a girl, and she liked me, so we started to date and it was pretty serious, so i taought to myself, i cant keep on with this behaviour if i gona hava a girlfriend, so i quited everything. It was pretty easy, but my life was also great, I had a job, a gf who liked me and we had really fun together. After 6 month i found her diary and i read it, i was curious about what she would write about me. What I did find was that she wrote about another guy that she liked. I asked her about this, and she said she was sorry, and she wanted to be with me. So we stayed together, but this event made me start PMO again. And after that i have never been able to really quit. Mostly it have been once a month, but in short periods it have been up to 3 or 4 times a day.

I did told her about my history with the cops during the 6 months i was free from porn , but i never told her i started watch porn again. That girl is today my wife, and the 6th of october i told her about my addiction, that it have never stopped. At this time i was very sucidal and i had planned to end my life, but i changed my mind and told myself to try to tell her instead, so I did, and she was sad ofcourse, but mostly chocked about my plan of ending my life.

Right before i talked to her i was PMO'ing 3-4 times a week. I have talked with several therapist and shrinks, everyone agrees that it must have been some sort of childhood trauma in my life. probably abused before i was 4 years old.

Because of my belifes I have tried to quite several times during the years, and I have heard that my depressions is because of me using. But i have noticed that that I keep getting depressed even if i dont using. and i do feel low once a month. I have been invetigated if i had Bipolar, but they wasn't sure. Now im with a therapist who use Transcation Analyzis, and this have helped me alot, I also been reading about sexaddiction and found out that the 97% of the sexaddicted real problem are in reality codependency from childhoodtraumas.

Right know i stuggle with my PMO, i do feel the withdrawls, but i cant really know if it is withdrawals, or if it is the underlying problems. one thing is still true, i will quit PMO for good, becasue it have not helped me in my recovery from my childhood traumas, ity have not helped me in my marriage or my relashionship with God.

lets beat those 39 days and make a complete reboot. The thing is, a reboot is made to make the brain to what it was before porn, and im afraid that my and brain never been in that state because of the traumas.
« Last Edit: November 24, 2016, 03:35:02 PM by makkehedin »

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2016, 07:24:47 PM »
im feeling like im quit one addiction and begin another, today i made a drink and swept all at once, i just feel all this sadness amd pain inside, and i cant handle it...
Some of you talk about PEID, i never heard about it before, and i dont have problems with it either, but man, i cant cry and get in contact with my inner feelings, i have difficulties to talk about my inner fellings because im been betreyd som many times. And all this ends up in my addiction so i dont need to feel tha pain inside. Now when I want to wuit porn, the pain is so laoud, i dont know what to do... I hope that my helath issues are to my addiction, but what i understand, when i quit using it will reveal the pain and will make me feel more depressed because now i dont have anything to selfmedicate with. I need to walk trhu instead of running from it. Will i make it? I dont know right now. My closes frineds have left me and i only have my wife left, but she lives her own life and im afraid she also will leave me in time.
« Last Edit: November 24, 2016, 07:48:14 PM by mobilfreak »

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #3 on: November 25, 2016, 11:09:02 AM »
Today I'm feeling lonely again. Want someone to just chill with, but I don't have that kind of friend.  Those days are the worst and I really need to keep focus,  this is my biggest trigger. Loneliness and worthlessness. It's been 3 days now, no porn or  any substitute. I'm happy for that, but this sadness and loneliness is killing me.

humaninprogress

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2016, 11:27:39 AM »
Hey there, mobilfreak. Welcome to the forum, and thanks for posting. I sometimes struggle with loneliness, too.

All my years of PMO took a toll on by social circle and on my ability to form and maintain close friendships. The sadness and loneliness that comes up sometime because of this can feel like the world is closing in on me, and I feel afraid that I'll never have what I most desire: a group of friends who care about me and want to spend time together socially.

When I'm in a really rough spot I try to focus on 3 things: 1) no porn, no matter what, 2) even the darkest feelings will eventually fade, 2) I may feel totally alone, but I'm not the only one going through this, and feeling lonely doesn't mean I've failed at life. Eventually the loneliness passes if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking it one hour at a time.

Loneliness is tough. Posting here is a great way to get some support. Hope this helps even a little.

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #5 on: November 27, 2016, 10:53:24 AM »
Hey there, mobilfreak. Welcome to the forum, and thanks for posting. I sometimes struggle with loneliness, too.

All my years of PMO took a toll on by social circle and on my ability to form and maintain close friendships. The sadness and loneliness that comes up sometime because of this can feel like the world is closing in on me, and I feel afraid that I'll never have what I most desire: a group of friends who care about me and want to spend time together socially.

When I'm in a really rough spot I try to focus on 3 things: 1) no porn, no matter what, 2) even the darkest feelings will eventually fade, 2) I may feel totally alone, but I'm not the only one going through this, and feeling lonely doesn't mean I've failed at life. Eventually the loneliness passes if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking it one hour at a time.

Loneliness is tough. Posting here is a great way to get some support. Hope this helps even a little.

Thank u for taking time.

For me i do have have friends, and i even have some close friends who want to hang out. Im good looking, open minded, social and charming.My wife tells me that i would probably been able to get what girl i ever wanted. I try to understand if porn really are the issue here, because trhu the years from a little bout, i never had that kind of friend i always hanged out with. And this is even before i started to watch porn.

For me, what I have read, is about other things. What I understand what i have read, sexual abused children have trust issues and have low self-esteem. Thats probably why I as a litte kid showed off for the girls, to get the feeling of they wanted me.

Even if i have been PMO'ing long time, most of the time it has only been once a month... Most off the guys in here what i undestand, using far more than me and I could understaned  how that affects the social life. Like if u always think about porn and you just want to go home and watch, instead of being togther with ypur friends...

For me its been different, i have never been outside, with friends or gathering and thougt about porn. I have never walked from work and wanted to bad to come home so I can start up the PC. For me I always felt down, depressed, alone first. Trying to reach out for a friend, talk to someone, tell them im sad, make plans with wife ans so on. But when this fails, when poeple say no to me, they tell me they dont have time that makes me fell deeper down in my sadness, so i take my phone and switch beteween three apps, instagram, snapchat and kik. And trying to get someonw to talk with. Then suddenly i see a pic, and it triggers me, and im slowly slipping.

So my battle is not against PMO. As long as I being prescense, when im right here and now, when i feel alone and start to listen to that feeling and take care of me, i never think about porn. But when the feeling grows bigger, it makes me feel down and i cant controll myself, i start to play games, watch tv or anything else to distract my brain for the pain inside. If i do that, porn will be the result.

So what i understand is that for me, im not horny, im sad. Im sad, angry and feel like i am wrong. When i surpess these feelings they come back with anxiety, and results in PMO. But when i allow myself to feel those feelings, dont distract me, and start to take time for myself. It almost everytime ends with alot of crying. and afterwards, its like after PMO but without the shame. The thing is that its painfull. Its like u slam your thumb with a hammer with purpose. Its not an easy way, but i makes me heal and rewire my brain. Sadness is cured with crying not PMO. Anger is cured buy letting it out in a controlled way, not to keep it inside and later come put with PMO.


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #6 on: November 27, 2016, 11:23:03 AM »
Okey, so today is a new day. Im home alone and im feel pretty good. I do start to undertand how it works for me and im trying to follow my plan to make me feel better. Yesterday, i worked all day, and was little down, i felt alone and i missed a close old friend to me. I have felt that its wrong to miss this friend because of her age. She is 16 and we are close frineds to her family. She and her sister have enjoyd me ad my wifes company, and them used to ask us if they could stay at our apartmant, watch movies and spend time togheter. Me and this girl got pretty close, she opened up to me some times and i was comforting her when she was sad and needed a schoulder to cry on. But for a half year ago she told me she had feelings for me, so we quit spend time togther.

It was a good feeling to now that someone else trusting you with their life, and i do miss that feeling of intamicy, and that makes me feel like its wrong. But i never had others feelings for her. But its still so, im to blame for her feelings, i noticed this some time ago, and i could have ended it, but i didnt want to emberesse her. My wife know everything about this, and she understands.

I do sometimes think about my friend and feel sad bacause i miss her. But yesterday i did come to the conclusion that my feelings is nor wrong, its okey to miss someone who been close to you, and i did some meditation. I also found that im not bad because i miss this friend even if it can look bad from outside. When this came to my heart, i didnt feel down anynmore, and I walked home to hug my wife hard and talked to her.

This made me fell asleep without insomia and today is a much better day... i even have some feelings that i do want to do something today. for myself :)

Its now 5 days ago PMO or any P-subs. And i know I can make it to 90 as long as i take care of my feelings the same way as i did yesterday...

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #7 on: November 28, 2016, 07:54:23 PM »
Today I have worked for 14 hours. I'm really tired now...

I try to stay with my plan, to meditate about my inner feelings to recognize any relapse in an early state. I know its harder for me to stay away from PMO if I don't do this.

I need to structure my brain everyday to not burden the next day.

I feel like I'm 75% presence and falling.  So I really need this time. I need my "my-time" every day if I gonna make it to 90 days.

It's different feeling now from that 39 days in Oct...  Then I was 100% presence and even felt cured. I was 0% stressed, 0% depressed  and 0% anxious!  In that state I felt like I'm was alive, and I realized that it is like that I wanna live, and also now can actually, because I now know it exists, even in me!

But now, after that new problem in my life, have dropped, and now I'm fighting again... 

The good thing of, that I do choose to fight against this problems instead of the PMO. Because for me it always been the same. I'm like an alcoholic, who buries his problems in a drink to keep the pain away. If I heal the pain and problems, I don't need the addiction.

I have felt it I do know it work now. Before October I only read about it and tried several ways to get it. But now I have proof in my own life. I did find the way, the freedom and in that state, PMO was like a drop in the ocean. I didn't notice it, it was gone. I even remember how I looked on some movies, and I didn't looked for the boobs or fantasized about the characters. Before I Google them  and PMO to them. But when I was in that state of mind and feeling. It was gone, completely, the craving for porn was completely gone. And so was my anxiety. But when life hit back with problems, the anxiety came back and so did my feelings to begin PMO again. 

And now I need to turn  my head away from girls on the town, I need to take control of my mind and thoughts.  Its a he'll, and it's like take  water out of the boat when it still get in new. It's better to find the whole and make it stop fill the boat, and the  empty... First thing first.

I will get this, I will do this.

7 days soon, and I will come back to the feeling

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2016, 10:37:56 AM »
A new day to wake up to nad new emitions to handle.

Today im little tierd, sad, low. i notied that I cant focus, I take the phone, and play a game, i google for information, and keep my mind busy. This reminds me of what iI have read, its somethong that i need to take care of inside me, something painfull. I suddenly felt the urge for check snapchat or kik to look for females to talk to. I have deleted those apps, so i was curious about if ihve got some texts.

Its one of the firsts signs to relapse, so I walked to the PC to come here and write about it instead. dont know why im sad or why i feel little anxious, but i wake up almost every day like this, and need to start the day to calm down. It takes a lot of energy and time from other things. I would rather bake a cake, make some dinner, start a company instead of use time to recover. I want to feel good, and the only way to do that is going thru the pain and all bad emotions so I can heal. ITs never to late to have agreat childhood

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #9 on: November 29, 2016, 08:33:13 PM »
Home from work now, it was terrible today. Working as a busdriver, and i missed bustops because i was so into my head, and when the bus was empty i began to cry, but I held it in. I saw some friends sit at a table at a cafe, they hang out, and it made me feel so lonly. That feeling is what i have searching for my whole life, even when i didnt do PMO. Thats why I so strongly belive my PMO is the results of built up sadness who become anxity and to get relife, i PMO.

I do understand that PMO dont help me to feel better, so thats why i want to quit, but when I still feel sad, i need to find a new way to cope with the emotions. And i dont know how really. I feel like no one understand me, when i have tried to talk about my emotions for some close friends, they just tell me i think to much, or start to igonore me, or even stop hanging out with me. That dont make it easier...

I do I know that PMO is not the problem? I notice this anxitey is still here, and its hunting me all the time, and PMO make it feel better. Now when i try to quit with PMO, i notice how i eat more, eat more fatty food, gain weight, i drink more alcohol. Those problems have always been there in my life. it doesnt matter what i do, it always come back.I really feel like i want to die again.

I belive it bigger chance now to do it then before. Because before I never know why i felt this way, I only was sick and tired of feeling depressed.But now, i do understand that i feel this sad because of my codependency and being abused as a child. Today i undertand its a looooooong way to recover and hard work. And i dont know if im wanna do it anymore. I see how people will look at me and they blame me for my sadness, when it in reality is some one else who gava me their problems when i was a little child, and i couldnt handle it, so I develople bad cope behaviours to survive. Ive been in survival mode for almost all my life, and i dont know how it is to "be normal".

Just tell me its okey to give up and leave...

but also, i cant do that, my best friend commited suicide when i was 15, so I do know how it feels, even if he didnt feel ike anyone would care, I really did care. His death was the first who told me it was a way out of suffering by ending it, i have heard about it before, but never experienced it close to my life. I belive that his suicide gave me the tought that it is an option. But also, because of the feelings he made me feel, it have helped me to stay alive.

its the third time im trying to cry, and it wont come out... its something who hold it back , an di hate it, bacuse i know what it is on the other side, relief, and thats what i want and need. Its like im been sad for so long time and had a destuctive life, that my brain make me suffer and hold back the relief because i would not be valued enough to have it.

But the truth is, if no one else loves me, then I need to love myself greater and rely in my selflove more!

I dont know how i can reach my heart this time, and its vital to not relapse again...Today im been fantazing how i would make porn vids. And i even dont like porn, its bad for everyone who comes near it. I dont know anyone who gained anything good from porn.

I really dont want it. But i really need to sole my anxiety issues, I cant drink, eat or play games to get rid of it, i need to give me time to heal.

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #10 on: November 30, 2016, 07:33:00 PM »
Home from work again. Noticed I have worked for over 30 hours the three last days,  and I'm really tired.  I'm feeling okey, but I'm not presence at all, and that's mean I need to do something different. I'm free tomorrow, and I worried, because I will have time with my emotions, and I don't know if I can make it...

I feel like I want to play games all night so I can sleep all day and don't need to take care of it. But I know, it will strike back harder in some days if I don't do anything about it.

What I really want, is to call my best friend, cry out and leave it behind. If I only had one friend I could do that to I would call him or her. My wife is not that kind of person... and I have no one. Well I have one. My therapist and he bills me 50$ / hour to be my friend.

U maybe think I'm overreact when I say I don't have anyone.  But it is really true. I have tried to build that kind of friendship with people, and I have been that friend to several. But it never get it in return. After a while they forget me.

I helpt One friend who was in a really bad shape after one of his friends committed suicide, I called himy several times every week, I took him out for dinner,  I was supportive and just listened. I let hi, cry out  and I hold space for him. After a month he wrote on Facebook and thanked those who had supported him in person. He never mentioned my name. I was happy he felt better and I liked his status  and commented that is great he felt good again.  Now he had bad feelings and thanked me...

It's not the first time that kind of think happens...and it's devastating for my self esteem and psychological health. Also it's a great way to practise,  because I don't do this kind of things to get rewards, but when I meditate and found myself sad, I remember all those times I been forgotten by those I have invested much time with.

Marley

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #11 on: December 01, 2016, 07:19:03 AM »
Stay with the pain and the sadness and feel it physically in the body, dont turn away from it. Its the easiest way forward.

Maybe no friend like that you want because you looking to much and have an agenda subconcious in your relationships(?), maybe. Drop longing to have that special friend. Call a friend you have and say straight forward, u got time to just chill out and do nothing, maybe your expecting your friends to be able to read you mind in regards to what you want from them.

Sorry dont mean to make unfounded suggestions et.c. jsut sharing what came to my mind.

Im taking care of a dog now. Dogs are really great friends.

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #12 on: December 01, 2016, 05:21:57 PM »
Stay with the pain and the sadness and feel it physically in the body, dont turn away from it. Its the easiest way forward.

Maybe no friend like that you want because you looking to much and have an agenda subconcious in your relationships(?), maybe. Drop longing to have that special friend. Call a friend you have and say straight forward, u got time to just chill out and do nothing, maybe your expecting your friends to be able to read you mind in regards to what you want from them.

Sorry dont mean to make unfounded suggestions et.c. jsut sharing what came to my mind.

Im taking care of a dog now. Dogs are really great friends.


Thank u for taking your time.

I'm in such a situation, that I really don't have no one to call what so ever. But I do get what u mean, and I've done that before.

Wife have asthma,  no dog for me :) but we have an aquarium,  not that friendly tho :p


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #13 on: December 01, 2016, 06:23:16 PM »
Its still difficult and heavy. I do understand that when i feel like this I keep feelings to myself. I don't really now what kind of feelings, but i need to get them out. I had a session with my therapist today, and my wife was with me also, to give some input and talk about how she feels. We don't talk about my addiction, we talk about my anxiety and how we can stick together to help each other. It was little funny, the therapist asked if it was something we wanted to share now when we are all three, my wife said she want to know what to do when im feeling down, she dont know how to handle it, its different every time. The therapist gave me the question to answer, and i didn't know either. I dont how we talked, but it ended up with this funny part, that it need to be genuine, and not like a steward: "What can I do for you to make you happy, you want coffee, the, massage, own time, snacks, dinner, take a walk, a shower, a beer?" My wife laugh out loud and felt like that was what she do, and laught lauder and said that she always wanted to be a flight steward, we joked about it and i answered it sometimes could b like "Well, dear husband, i noticed u are not feeling well, let me get form #B-220 and please answer the questions and i will be right back to analyze the form"

after the therapy i went to bed again and i slept until 1.30pm. did a errand and come back home, down and little anxious. I was stressed, because we had a meeting on the evening and i know i need to take time for my health first, but if i don't go to the meeting, people will wonder why I didn't show up, and it would be hard to explain (I have already tried and they don't understand). My wife came home and she asked me how i felt and toke some time with me, and I finally found my feelings and i could tell her. I felt upset, because of the meeting, I want to attend, but i cant when i feel like this, and if i don't go, people will ask about it and make it even worse. I spoke my mind and was frustrated, she listened and said she understands, and it was all good. Ive got some relief, and felt better.

I didn't go anyway, i felt i was not ready yet, and used this time alone to meditate, write in my diary and this journal. I feel better now, but its still not where i want to be. I noticed I have not showered for the past 5-8 days or so. I need to be more present, and until then i need to focus on my own life and health, before how other people look at me or think. The most important thing is that i understand my life and me and my wife are happy together.


mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #14 on: December 01, 2016, 10:36:23 PM »
And now it happened, all the sorrow came out in a flood of tears. All heavy feelings are gone, im back to "normal" again. I still don't know why i need to cry this much, and this time of the year, but its always the same. What I have read, abused children, when they are adults, can have this sort of things going on. Some people wake up the same time every night without any reason, until they connect it through therapy with the abuse, the time they wake up, is the same time there step dads came in to abuse them. Even if the real memories have been pushed away for years, the body still remember and tell u need to heal from those wounds. When these people goto therapy and heal the wounds, the old behaviors stops and they can sleep all night.

Im back to my present adult sate of mind now, i believe, im still not all focused, but its 12.30am and been a long day, i dont know what else to do now to make it better. I have done all things i know will help me. Write my diary, journal, and cry out.

I am a good person, i am even great, to manage these heavy stuff and keep going forward and not giving up. I really hope I dont need to do this again tomorrow.

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #15 on: December 02, 2016, 08:53:35 PM »
Ok day today. Been present all day... 10 days now from PMO and P-subs

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #16 on: December 03, 2016, 01:57:55 AM »
Okey what happened here now?

When i came home my wife watched a movie, a romantic drama, "a good year", and i joined here. during the film i noticed one female actor not wearing any bra, and it took my attention every time she was on scene. I googled her to see what other films she done, and watched some photos of here. When I saw the photos, i said to my self, what am i doing? and closed the browser...

I remembered that this kind of behavior was common before when i was using, i could be aroused about the actor who was willing to show some skin on the screen, its really possible that she have done more kind of movies with nude scenes. And therefore i was hunting for that kind of vids before. But this time, that never caught my mind, I just fell in the old behavior, when i noticed, it was was easy to close, I wasn't out for getting it.

Instead i googled about my dry skin on my right eyelid, it been there for several months now, i believe its stress related, and today i saw that i have been scratching so much it cause a small wound. found some information about it on a women health site, and began to read, on the page was some other articles about womens health issues, and some was labeled like "what your breast is telling you about your health", i have a big interest in how you can see one issue in other parts of the body. Emotional, psychological or whatever. so i read about it, and also some other articles like "what does your underwear tell u about your personality" it was interesting it matched my wife, when i read, i noticed i began to be aroused, and then i understood that this maybe could be called P-Subs. I never thought about it like that and didn't think that i would med aroused. But this made me think about how the brain works, and how old patterns are so easy to fall back into. IT was not hard to quit browsing and pressed with life, i went to bed and felt a feeling i get sometimes, that feeling about wanting sex. When I feel that feeling when i go to bed, i do know that it will be sex tonight. But I dont begin any foreplay I just went to bed and fell to sleep. I woke up some hour later, just like i knew would happened before i went to bed, and started to kiss my wife. I will not go into details more, but in the end, i noticed she was not really present, and at one time i just lost interest and felt like she didn't want to, she gave me a halfhearted HJ and fell a sleep again. I did O but not what i thought it would be. it was boring, and i didn't liked it to be honest.

Then i couldn't fell asleep, my insomnia stepped in and I ended up here.

Now to the scary conclusion.What i learned about dopamine is that it also makes roads in the brain to the things u know will give u the biggest rush. When the brain say "Hey, i want dopamine, it send a urge for that thing it know will give u the best kick", So what i understand is that when i saw the movie and this girl, I started to walk on that road, and the brain know that in the end of that road it will be fireworks of dopamine. But i ended that path, and went to bed. the brain still wants the fireworks, and now the magic happens, I didn't lift up the phone to PMO, i did the healthy way with my wife. Thats really good!!! but then its scary, what did i just tech my brain? that road is not giving you that kind of fireworks anymore, or did i tell the brain that doing it with my wife is not enough for my dopamine?

That other 39 days i started with, I also got this need for being with my wife, but it was more healthy and pure then. IT was not the same now, i was not 100% present now and i scared that my P-addiction will change to a Sex addiction. Even if it was with my wife, and thats better then P. its not good for my health, I need better ways to cope with my emotions and feelings then sexual actions. I will not be well, if i keep using sex in any form to run from my emotions.

Shall I restart my tracker for a complete reboot? Shall i count this ? when i first started my reboot, i was aiming to end watching  PMO and P-subs intentionally, when that feeling comes, "Just one last time". But the more I try to understand myself and how everything is sticked together, i notice the differences in the feeling of wanting it.

What I in the beginning really wanted to end, was when u scrolled through instagram, saw a nice pic of a girl, and just went to google to search for more. the Chaser Effect
And I also wanted to end my chatting with other girls online.

Those two behaviors do i have under control for now, and I do know that the underlying feeling is not lust or arousal. its sadness. And i need to cry to make that feeling go away. It has worked every time since i got to that conclusion.

But now with more knowledge about how rebooting works, i do investigate all kind of feelings i have and how it ends up in the brain. So now I feel like i need to do better, like every time i get aroused by a movie, or a text, or anything thats not my wife i counts as a relapse. But when i think about it, i need to be human to, and need to be easy on me. But also not be to easy so I will us it for a relapse.

What i believe is sound is that being able to be rock solid against the chaser effect, its that feelings who takes control over my body and make its so hard to change. The other things are new for me to label under this addiction and I'm still not sure about if they are applicative on my situation. Most of my PMO have been leaned towards single girls dancing and showing off. So i believe I'm not so "messed up" even if it have been many years. during my teens it was mostly P-subs i did and then i would walk out and flash myself. Never did i M. or O. it was after i was 17 i M and O. and the flashing ended when I was 17.5. After that PMO started to be the primary thing to end my anxiety.

« Last Edit: December 03, 2016, 02:20:27 AM by mobilfreak »

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #17 on: December 03, 2016, 05:26:35 PM »
Great day today. Worked all day and still present.

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #18 on: December 04, 2016, 12:36:39 PM »
12 days now!

Had a nice long conversation with wife yesterday, she took some time and practiced to be present and listen. It worked pretty okey, but she thought about that movie she wanted to see during our talk. She told me about it, I laughed, it's so typical her. "If I sitt here in the sofa with my husband and doing this boring stuff for I while, I can watch the movie later".

It's that kind of act that makes me feel alone and nobody wants me. When people just take time for the good sake,  not for them really want to be with me. (If u think I'm picky, read the book "the five love languages" Gary Shapman) at one moment my wife said she was tired, she got frustrated because she thinks it always take so long time to talk. The thing is that when we talk I want a heart to heart conversation,  and when we reach that state, she feels vulnerable and wants to quit talking. In her family, they never talked about stuff. We work on that and this time she admitted she wasn't present, she wanted the movie, not talk with me, but she want to learn how to show me more love, and she then opened up her heart and told me about things I've already figured out and she needed to vent.

The funny thing about this is that I was present all time, was not thinking of anything else, but after my wife had told me what she felt, she moved from the other side of the sofa and come to sit with me, she pressed her body against mine and now she was present and showed me enormous of love and was greatful for me helping her realize this and not being angry at her.

We then watched the movie and now she had her head in my lap and it was great.we both were present and enjoy life. Great!

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #19 on: December 04, 2016, 12:51:09 PM »
INSOMNIA


i just wanted to post about insomnia,  it might be so I've found a cure. I have had insomnia since 2009, before that I fell asleep right away I layed my head on the pillow. But since 2009 it been more difficult with insomnia almost every day. Did have for a couple of days ago, but this time I reminded me about a mindfulness exercise,  I did that and woke up the next morning. It was amazing. Did the same thing some days later,  and it gave the same result.

So what did I do?

1. Lay down, take a deep breath, close your eyes
2. Imagine a spot in the center of the body,  a couple of cm under the bellybutton.
3.  "Feel" that spot in you inner mind, (don't touch with your fingers )
4. Focus on that spot for 1 minute
5. When the mind start to wander,  refocus on that spot.

I did this and fell asleep within a minute both times. Hope it will work next time to, and even for you!

TiramiSu

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #20 on: December 04, 2016, 02:54:19 PM »
did you try meditation yet? It is also a wonderful source of relaxation...

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #21 on: December 04, 2016, 09:51:26 PM »
did you try meditation yet? It is also a wonderful source of relaxation...

What do you mean with meditation? I connect meditation with take time to think about something when u are in your present mind of state.  And that's really helps for dealing with problems, bur never to relax thou.  ;)

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #22 on: December 04, 2016, 10:33:47 PM »
Still going strong.

But I still miss having a life, and friends to hang out with.

I know I need to set up some goals, I need something to look forward to, something who helps me achieve my dreams and goals in life. But right now, I don't have the energy to do that. I'm still splitted. I do know what I need to do, but it's not down in my heart, so I need to move it from "I should do..." to "i want to do..." or "I think I wanna do this fir it's the best for me and in line with my goals".

I still do many things in life because I've been told to do it.

Let me xplain. I'm religious,  and been very active in my religion. My beliefs is Rock solid ! But my mental health makes me feel down. And I'm been trying to get this fixed, I been praying, attended meeting , read the bible daily, I'm been meditating , I've asked for advices. I did everything what people told me, and what I've read, but my depression, anxiety always came back and so did my addiction. And I did know I wouldnt do that. Now I understand I been addicted to sexual stimuli since I was little boy, and I've hot this chaser effect long time before I even know I had a problem.

I finally told someone in my congragation,  and the result was that I got disfellowedshiped to make me think about my behaviour and also change my heart toward P. The thing us I already hate porn, and only time I did using was when I got the chaser effect , once a month. But in between I did as much as I could in my congregation. There us were my life wants to be and we're I want to build my future.

But right now, I'm not allowed to any religious activities. So my life is pretty empty,  no activities, and no friends left. And the only way to come back, is to stop using P. To do that I need to have a better relationship with God. And to have a better relationship I need to keep my spiritual activities.  But, I can't do like I did before.  I did everything I should do, but not in the right energy, not with the right motive. I did things, because deep inside I do know it's the best, and I could show others I could do it. I need to stay present,in my adult mind and when I do that, I can do all my spiritual activities and rutines and make it from my heart. That's what I want and need.

Its like my therapist said. Now when I'm in contact with myself, I can use my adult, present state of mind, to make decisions. And I need to go through my life and look at my decisions I've made before and now do it again in my newly found energy. So I have much to do, and I need to do it slovly. I don't want to trigger my anxiety,  and I don't want to go back to my old life, and I want to get my new life as soon as possible. I hate this, Its like walking on a rope between two buildings, one wrong step and I'm out.

If I go to fast forward, Its possible I fall back to my old life and do things only because someone else tells me it's the best, and I trust their judgement before my own. If I go to slowly it can make me drain my energy and result in "I do it when I feel better". Both things makes stressed and anxious. Witch us my biggest trigger.

I just want to be done now, and look to this period of life and say "I made it!"

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #23 on: December 05, 2016, 08:28:03 AM »
Waking up to a new day with a craving for my friend. Want to cuddle with her.

She posted a pic on instagram that I took at her one day we were together, and she commented that it was a great summer and she always miss someone. It felt like she meant me. It was emotional to see the pic, she have told me she don't want to be close friends anymore,  so we haven't talked for  half a year. She sent me one email about her feelings this summer. And now she do this.

I do struggle, because what she been told me is that I need to think about my feelings towards her, she thinks I had a cruch on her, but I didn't.  But how come it's okey for her to post that kind of pic, and say she misses me, but when I say I miss her I'm in love with her?

It's hurts my feelings, and this makes me feel sad, and anxious and that's my biggest trigger. I feel anxious because I listen to what other people say, and trust their judgment before my own. And I don't feel that I have a crush on her, I feel she is a good friend and one of few people u can hang out with and be yourself. She is the first one I felt I wanted to tell about my problems. And the first one I felt who listened to me. I have talked about things before, like for my wife, but I do that because I need to tell things for my wife,  it's an unwritten law, to make the marriage strong. But with my friend I just live to lay on the back looking at the clouds and just talk.

Some people tell me it's an emotional affair and it because I watch P i fell like this. I don't know if its true.  I been talking with my therapist about it,  and we are both in the same though,  I crave intimacy, I need love, someone who are with me. And that feeling have been all my life, and the feeling come from when I been abused.

I hope I can rewire all this feelings and get it right.

mobilfreak

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Re: First relapse
« Reply #24 on: December 05, 2016, 10:05:57 AM »
Okey, so today is that kind of day. Again. My emotions and feelings are really messed up. I know that. When  I'm lonely and sad, I want to PMO. But that's only a fake solution. I don't want any fake solutions, I want to feel well and be free from PMO!

So what do I do? I been texting my wife. She does not answer...  I been mailing my there, he don't  answer. I been thinking everything through, and come to this conclusion I need someone to talk to. That's what the feeling in me is, it's not PMO. But when  those u can talk to don't answer it makes it more difficult. And then I miss my friend more, she always answered, she made me feel loved. She took time with me when I needed it and now she want to talk with me anymore...  Maybe she wants, but she have decided that it's not good for us to be close friends. And I will respect that even if it's hard for me.

My phone are still silent. And it feels worse then ever. And I know that I cant do so much about it...