Author Topic: Who is to blame?  (Read 1155 times)


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Who is to blame?
« on: November 22, 2016, 12:21:51 PM »
I posted this in the PA forum, but I wanted to share it with partners since the issue was recently raised as to the possibility that a partner might be partly to blame for a PA's actions:

"Last night my wife and I had an argument about something minor and stupid. I was prepared to discuss the situation calmly but she wasn't. She stopped talking to me. Then I didn't feel so calm!

She always goes to bed a couple of hours later than I do. The old voices piped up: "I'm angry. I'm stressed. She's being irrational and unfair. I'm frustrated. I deserve to PMO. It will help me relax and get to sleep."

If I gave in to those voices, who would be to blame? Would my wife share part of the blame?

Hell, no.

I had a choice to make- pick up my tablet and PMO or do something else. I chose to take my mala beads and do my nightly mantra chant and mindful breathing. Not only did I abstain from PMO, it transformed my anger and hurt into calm and compassion for myself and her.

I write this not to pat myself on the back or seek praise. You don't praise sunlight for being warm or water for being wet. It is as it should be.

No, my intent is to share my belief that we PAs bear the SOLE responsibility for our actions. I can lie, make excuses, and justify as well if not better than anyone else. I am only five days PMO free this time. I think I will prevail this time because I've finally gotten it through my thick skull that I own this- I have choices to make and positive alternatives. The addiction is not in the images or my eyes and ears. It is in my mind, and a mind can be retrained. I either want to retrain it or I don't.

I hope this may be of help to others and not be seen as pompous and preachy. We are here to share our experiences in the hope it strengthens others. Many posts in these forums have helped me. I'm trying to pay it forward."

Partners: Please don't buy it when anyone (yourself included) tells you that you are in any way to blame for your PA's behavior, or that it is your responsibility to change them. If they won't change, it doesn't mean that you are not worthy  it means they have CHOSEN not to retrain their mind. They PMO because that it what PAs choose to do. They ARE NOT POWERLESS over their  addiction (I know this goes against the 12-Step model of addiction but I believe this with all my heart and soul- I speak from the agonizing experience of quitting drinking). Quitting is difficult- an addict has to want it more than just about anything else in the world, and want it not just for someone else but for him/her self.

Partners- you cannot be attractive, smart, compassionate, loving, or any other quality enough to change someone who won't change. Bless you for researching porn addiction and trying to support your PA in any way you can, but we PAs did not become PAs because of you and we won't change because of you. We will only change if we decide heart and soul that we do not want to act out in this manner anymore.


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Re: Who is to blame?
« Reply #1 on: November 22, 2016, 04:43:11 PM »
True enough, it is only you that can make the choice to overcome porn addiction. That said, just because someone isn't directly to blame for your porn problem, doesn't mean they get a free pass for an unwillingness to communicate in your relationship. Communication is the glue that holds a relationship together.

So of course don't turn back to porn, and don't blame her for your choices, but you have every right to let her know that her unwillingness to communicate with you isn't appreciated. You became addicted to porn, you screwed up, and you have to make ammends for that, but 2 wrongs never make a right.

Best of luck :)


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Re: Who is to blame?
« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2016, 02:25:37 AM »
Life is all about Choices...

Porn is to a big degree about opportunity, make sure u leave the tablet in the room with ur wife, I feel so much calmer around my partner when I see him being open and leaving devices rather than taking them behind closed doors..

Relationships are constantly be renegotiated, we all fight just don't take revenge and be tempted to do pay back, no one wins, stay on track :)
Three things that cannot be long hidden
The Sun
The Moon
The Truth