Author Topic: Can't hold for more than 4-5 days  (Read 2059 times)

captaintiger

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Can't hold for more than 4-5 days
« on: November 05, 2016, 02:48:49 AM »
Please can someone tell me what's wrong with me. I can't stand being without P for 4-5 days, 7 at most. It always great at the beginning, I have an optimistic midset and thinking: "Now I'll nail it". But after 2 days this midset begins to wear off, the pressure begins to mount in my chest, and after several days of this pressure I can't hold on. It is unbearable, and even if I'm still ready to fight against this enemy, my mind begins to disobey me -- I start looking P and seem to be unable to stop it. What it is?

As I read from the journals on this site, people are able to control themselves for 20, 30 days or more and it looks like they have no such withdrawal effects -- hard to focus, yes, flatlining, yes, chest pressure, no. I know if I live without P for thirty days or more I'll be on my way to healing myself, but I can't stand such a long time. I can "postpone" PMO for month or 3 months, enduring pressure in my mind, but not ignore it completely for 4-5 days.

What's wrong and how to make it better?
« Last Edit: November 05, 2016, 05:12:28 AM by captaintiger »
My native language is Russian so please forgive me errors in English text.

Vic Bannister

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Re: Can't hold for more than 4-5 days
« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2016, 03:58:47 AM »
I am sorry I have no answer to your post, but I am responding because I am facing the exact same scenario. Five days off and in my head I am climbing the walls. My wife recently came across my stash and I must make an effort to beat this thing, but it's been going on so long and I feel so wired up to the behaviour, 'just stopping' feels almost impossible.

And this is the weekend, the time when I used to reward myself and 'relax' (you know what I mean) while my wife was out shopping.

I'm trying to do the 'one day at a time' thing right now. Just for today I won't visit any sites, etc.

Maybe try reminding yourself how miserable you'll feel if you let yourself down again, or set a target to reach 10 days (double figures)?

Sorry I have no real answers, but let's wish each other luck, shall we?


captaintiger

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Re: Can't hold for more than 4-5 days
« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2016, 05:15:21 AM »
Good luck VaughanBirbeck.
My native language is Russian so please forgive me errors in English text.

Gracie

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Re: Can't hold for more than 4-5 days
« Reply #3 on: November 05, 2016, 06:34:43 AM »
Mr. V
 Perhaps if you did not think of this as a reward it might be easier. I am sure that your wife was not at her best when your stash was found.  Maybe if you thought "This is not a reward, it could be a marriage breaker upper."  It might help.  Or I don't want to hurt my wife.  I know when I started reading about this when my husband was discovered by me, I read a lot.  The best thing I read at that time and talked to my husband about was:  "There can be no secrets in a marriage.  None.  (unless surprise gift etc.)  And, "Would you do this if your partner was standing right there beside you watching what you are doing?"   These were very helpful.

Peace!  And may you have understanding and patience in healing your marriage.

yesyes1234

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Re: Can't hold for more than 4-5 days
« Reply #4 on: November 05, 2016, 06:51:39 AM »
I know the feeling. It really sucks.

What are you doing so far to abstain? I think I would try out more of the tips. Exercise is pretty great when the pressure in the chest arrise. Or going for walks etc. Meditation can also help with the rumination. It will bring a bit more calmness to your mood.

Also blockers on phone and computer are great. At least make it harder to relapse. Or give you more time in between the urge and the action. You might see things clearer before you fall in.

Mr. V - I hope you have deleted the whole stash? I don't think there is much hope you will kick it if you keep stuff lying around.

This shit is for ever, in case you didn't know. The pathways don't go away. It sucks, but that's just what we're dealing with.

Vic Bannister

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Re: Can't hold for more than 4-5 days
« Reply #5 on: November 05, 2016, 09:08:57 AM »
So far, to abstain, I'm just not doing it. I don't know if this is a sustainable strategy or if I need to put something else in place (I'm very new at this!).

One thing I did was tell my wife how I was feeling: that this had been my 'playtime', and I was all set to go. Not keeping the craving locked inside seemed to relieve some of the pressure. When she went out this morning (she trusted me!) I read a book I've had lying around for a while and listened to some music - in other words, I did things I really enjoy, and it felt good.

Thank you, Gracie, for the "would I do this if she were watching me" idea, I find that helpful. One thing my wife finds hard to understand is that porn addiction gets to the point where it's not a sex thing any more, it's just the rush you get. I have had times when I have looked at a different porn clip every minute or less, not even registering what I was seeing. Like a gambling addict who doesn't care if he wins or loses, he just wants the thrill of the gamble. Was this hard for you, as a wife, to understand?

Good luck, captaintiger.
« Last Edit: November 05, 2016, 09:14:52 AM by VaughanBirbeck »

yesyes1234

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Re: Can't hold for more than 4-5 days
« Reply #6 on: November 05, 2016, 09:46:27 AM »
I think it's pretty vital to develop a more comprehensive strategy. It seems that a lot who just try to abstain struggle for a long time. I did as well before I started developing a strategy. Substituting the activity with stuff you like is great btw. Getting to a point where we don't think about P at all is one of the goals.

If you absolutely can't contain it, it might be a good idea to see if you can work something out with your wife as well. P is the absolute worst, edging is very bad as well, some can MO very infrequently during the reboot, and it would be a lot better if you could get somebody else to "do it for you". Abstaining is the best way though, of course.

Gracie

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Re: Can't hold for more than 4-5 days
« Reply #7 on: November 05, 2016, 09:52:22 AM »
Yes it was and is hard to understand.  One of the reasons is that the constant looking whether at the same pic or vid for a while or clicking through indicated he was looking for something or someone and I was not what he was looking for.  And on top of that he was just looking for anything and that meant anything or anyone was better than me.  I know that a lot of men say it's not us.  But it feels that way.  I have not yet met a woman that did not feel she was not enough when her husband was into porn.

For me I felt ugly, old, used, duped, and lied to.  All the times he said I was pretty were not true.  All the times he said he was not sleepy were not true.  Our life together was not good enough for him.  Keep in mind that when men use it is acceptable.  When men use and are married their wife is:  not keeping herself up, not adventerous, a cold fish, too fat, can't satisfy her husband.  So it is difficult.  And if we tell someone then we admit we are all of the above.  It takes us a while.

Hope this helps.

Hablablos

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Re: Can't hold for more than 4-5 days
« Reply #8 on: November 05, 2016, 11:28:22 AM »
Hello captaintiger and VaughanBirbeck

I would like to ask you both a few questions, if you don't mind:

Why do want to recover from addiction? I know it sounds like a silly question, but reason for that is simple. Your mind will play many tricks on you, you need to know exactly why are you doing this. And the best thing you can do is to write these reasons somewhere to have them as a reminder. When you face situation where you don't know why to continue, remember reasons why you started.

Who do you want to become as a person? If is too general for you, then start with who you don't want to become.

What habits or activities you do or need to do in order to become that person?

I hope these will help you a little with your recovery. Good luck  :)
"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new"

Learn from mistakes of others, life is too short to do them all by yourself

Porn addiction is the best thing that has happened to me

captaintiger

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Re: Can't hold for more than 4-5 days
« Reply #9 on: November 05, 2016, 12:09:28 PM »
I'll think of these questions, thanks.

The question I'm asking myself and can't find the answer to, is: what are some activities that can relieve (or ease) this chest pressure without connection to the sex? If I were to replace this disgusting habit with the something different, I'd prefer to replace it with the things that can make me feel better. But I search for it inside myself and in the surrounding world and can't find anywhere. So that means that this pressure stays right where it was and slowly builds up until the unfortunate "release".

P attracts me because it's "naughty" (in a wide sense of a word). But it seems that no other naughty activities (I've thought about WWE, stealth games and so on) can bring so much pleasure as you know what.  I'm looking for something and can't find it. Exercise, I guess, will only tense me, and meditation is too connected with the Eastern philosophy.
My native language is Russian so please forgive me errors in English text.