We made it!

Our story.  Together for roughly 13 years.  PIED started about 3 months into the relationship. Neither of us knew what was going on and I seriously considered that my husband was gay or asexual.  We continued to date and eventually got married.  I obviously didn't marry him for the sex as sex dwindled to about 5-10 times a year with hit or miss erections.  Sex became more and more painful for both of us and would usually end up in arguments and fights.  Soon sex wasn't even happening at all.  At our worst we went 3 years without any sex whatsoever.  The fights mainly centred around the fact that my husband seemed uninterested in fixing the issue.  Little did I know he was getting his sexual needs met with PMO.  Around 2010 I asked him to stop masturbating to see if it would help our sex life.  I had read an article at the time about sexual exhaustion.  He said he would but he never did. He kept on masturbating rather than face his issues and me.  Then in 2013 I hit rock bottom.  I told him I had had enough and was leaving.  It wasn't an ultimatum, I was simply informing him.  I couldn't imagine being in a sexless marriage forever.  He cried and begged me to stay.  We have two kids (miracles honestly!) and if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have stayed.  I told him that I thought masturbation was his problem and that it needed to go.  I told him I would stay for 6 months and then reevaluate.  I needed to know he was serious before I wasted any more of my time.  Well in that first 6 months he stopped PMO and never looked back.  We started having sex a LOT!  His erections were still hit or miss but he was facing his issues and we were communicating.  We had a ton of "knock down drag out" fights during that time when I realized what had been happening all of those years that I went without sex.  How he had been having sex with others on a screen or in his head while I went without.  It was a very brutal time for my self esteem.  I still haven't fully recovered.

About 9 months into the reboot we were having regular sex but his erections weren't improving much.  He decided to do some research into what was going on (keep in mind we did not know about nofap, or YBOP).  He tried supplements but they did nothing.  He went on an ED forum and a book "great sex" by Michael Castleman was recommended.  He read it and decided to abstain from Orgasm for 8 weeks as was suggested in the book.  The book talked a lot about porn and how it messes with your expectations of sex.  Thinking you're supposed be hard the whole time, that sex is about "performance" etc.  Great book! The reason for abstinence from O was to stop focusing on failure and his erections and start focusing on sensations during sex rather than a rush to O.  He was having such a hard time focusing during sex.  He kept reliving past failures.  Every time he managed to get an erection it was a rush to use it.  I felt like sex wasn't even about me, it was about his penis.  So with his penis out of the equation he really started to relax and rewire.  Sex became fun and pleasurable for both of us.  It was tough and it was hard not to give in but in the end it was worth it.  He learned some great skills to pleasure me which was good because he knew he had something to fall back on should he lose his erection at any time which took the pressure off. His erections came back 100% and we've been doing well ever since. He had some PE issues after the 8 weeks but that too went away as he learned to control his arousal and tempo during sex.  He can now last as long as he wants. Essentially it took roughly a year to recover.  His libido took a bit longer as he had to limit his orgasms which we thought he'd have to do because of age and his history but it turns out that this was also temporary.  He can now orgasm as much as he wants with no issues (about 1.5 yrs in).  My husband is now "normal"!  He craves sex with me, is all over me like we're newlyweds and our sex life is great.  I am so glad this worked and it can work for you too!  We had no idea what we were doing so it likely took us a lot longer than it should have but it's over now.

Thanks for reading

Bibbity, I'm a huge fan of yours here on the forums. You're so knowledgable and give great advice!

This post is fantastic. I'm a little curious though, what was your husband's porn history like? Do you know at what age he started viewing porn?

Hi Fugu!  Thanks for the kind words!!  Back at ya

Great question!  His history wasn't too extensive compared to some.  He mostly used fantasy as a young boy (porn was much harder to get back then) but he did find a porn mag stash with a friend and used fantasy of that to masturbate in his early teens around 13.  He also would go to friends houses and watch movies and then use fantasy of that to masturbate. He only started with internet porn later on in his 20's but not exclusively (so 50/50 porn and fantasy I guess). Fantasy of porn was big for him and he would even masturbate to fantasy of me and our time together and he enjoyed erotic stories. This is why I know fantasy is just as bad as porn!  He was a virgin and had very little experience with women when we got together at 25. 

Feel free to ask me anything

Bibbity i have a girlfriend and because of my porn addiction i just wasnt that horny with her, kinda of like your post.  How did you feel when you guys starting having more sex, relived happy, more in love?

Hi Matt,
I felt "normal" again, more in love and more connected.  I had been in sexual relationships before and you really don't know what you've got until it's gone.

Bibbity,
Great story..and good for you!  We too have worked hard for the last two years.  I agree about the self esteem, I think it is the last to come back.  But it is better than it was. (self esteem)

To answer Matt's question, I have found that we are much closer than we were before.  We did not realize how much we loved each other until we saw that we could lose it all.  Not that we threatened divorce or anything but we realized how disconnected he was and how that in turn disconnected me.  As you can see from my posts, we came up with rituals to get us through.  This reassured us both that we were together in working on this.  But know that it takes a loving close realtionship and a team of two.  The team of two helps keep each other communicating and connected.  Some say this is not necessary, but I always think what if your partner did discover the use later, or found some porn you forgot about?  This makes it harder then to deal with.  But that is just my opinion.  Plus it holds us each accountable to the other in our work moving forward.  But it is worth it!

Bibbity said:

Hi Fugu!  Thanks for the kind words!!  Back at ya

Great question!  His history wasn't too extensive compared to some.  He mostly used fantasy as a young boy (porn was much harder to get back then) but he did find a porn mag stash with a friend and used fantasy of that to masturbate in his early teens around 13.  He also would go to friends houses and watch movies and then use fantasy of that to masturbate. He only started with internet porn later on in his 20's but not exclusively (so 50/50 porn and fantasy I guess). Fantasy of porn was big for him and he would even masturbate to fantasy of me and our time together and he enjoyed erotic stories. This is why I know fantasy is just as bad as porn!  He was a virgin and had very little experience with women when we got together at 25. 

Feel free to ask me anything

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Interesting! I've always felt that excessive fantasizing is bad, too - particularly for people hooked on porn!

One more question for you: did your husband notice any other improvements during the course of the reboot besides erections during sex? More focused? Less anxious? The infamous "Return of the Morning Wood"?

Thank you again for typing this up!

Fugu you are reminding me of how much I left out so I really appreciate your questions!!

My husband was playing video games as well (Online, multiplayer RPG) and he gave up everything at the same time.  Of course we know that online games provide major dopamine bursts so they can have similar effects on your brain and he was definitely a game addict.  I can't say for sure what symptoms were present because of porn and what was present because of games so just keep that in mind.

My husband was actually seeing a psychologist for ADHD type symptoms.  Foggy mind, depression, just overall zombie like state.  He was very very forgetful and completely unfocused.  It's a good thing he is very good at his job!  Anyway when he gave up games and PMO all of these things slowly vanished.  He became much more focused, less forgetful and he became a better dad and all around better man.  I could not believe the change in him from my perspective.  I literally thought he had ADHD but it turns out it was dopamine imbalances.

As far as morning wood, we have a baby at home so we get woken up quite a bit at night so MW is not as reliable.  It happens during certain stages of the sleep cycle and he may not be in that sleep cycle upon awakening.  Basically we don't pay much attention to it.  He did go to see his doc about his T levels and they did register as low so he is working on that.  I contribute it to lack of sleep and lack of exercise right now because of said baby!

I should also add that although my husbands T levels registered as low he did start gaining muscle when he stopped PMO!

Hi Bibbity, I just joined the site yesterday and I can see you are one of the bright light inspirations here.  Just wanted to say I enjoyed your "we made it" post. 

Keep posting.  Reading posts and replying are part of how I stay clean, so thanks!

Will I AM. 

Will, thank you for your kind words.  I do what I can to pay it forward!

Stay strong 8)

Thank you Bibbity for sharing your story, your husband is a very lucky man to have someone as strong and understanding as you have been as he worked through his issues.  I sometimes wish I had access to this information 15 years ago when it could have maybe saved my first marriage, but that is water under the bridge.

And I know you have probably heard this before, but I will say to you and Gracie, please don't take this as a total knock on your self esteem.  I can say for myself and I think many others that we didn't turn to "self service" because our wives/GFs/SOs were unattractive or sexually unskilled.  It was just there.  For many of us PMO preceded real sex and just totally screwed up any attempt at real loving sexuality.

I don't think you personally think this, but it seems that many people think, "If I were just sexy enough, he would stop."  But that is like thinking, "If I were just funny enough, he wouldn't go the bar and drink."  It is, of course, natural to think that, but it just not work with the addiction process. 

I don't think it is an excuse, but the addiction process does make us self centered and have horrible judgement.  We know we don't want to do these things, we know they are harmful to ourselves and our loved ones -- and then we do them anyway.  We don't do it because PMO is better than our women, but rather because we are trapped in the addictive process. 

So, hold your head high knowing you have helped a man rescue himself from his addictive process, not by your sexiness, but by your strength, courage and intelligence.  All of which are more sexy than sexiness.

Once again, thanks for sharing.  Your husband is a lucky man, we are all envious.

OHG  I get what you are saying.  But if a woman was addicted to porn and her husband was 60, and she was getting off to 20 something year olds over and over again and ignoring her husband and his sexual needs, would you not think it was size related or perfomance related or even physique related?  And if you throw in that as her husband you had an occasional or even frequent ED problem at this time (similar to women who do not orgasm every time) would you wonder if that was the cause as well?  Or do you think on discovery and hearing it is not you it is me and my addiction, you would not ever after think about the ages and looks of the people and making comparisons?

This does get better with time, but putting it together with the secrecy and the trust and the turning away it is difficult.  Kind of reminds me in high school when someone would break up and say its not you its me.  Just a thought.

Hey everyone I'm new to this but I need support like crazy. I'm a young man who has porn ED and I need to knoe where to begin withy reboot. Please help . all I want in life is to be able to have kids and a family

Bibbity,

That's a great success story and I think that it gives a reasonable picture of the recovery time for ED. Being, for the moment, celibate, I don't know where I'd be on the ED issues, but if the condition I awaken in most mornings is any indication I should be fine.

Let me digress for a moment, if I might, for the sake of other men that are rebooting; having an erection is not a problem that needs to be "taken into hand", so to speak. I have learned that an erection will go away of its own and actually is a pleasant sensation as long as I don't resort to touching myself for pleasure. I now see it as a sign of health and virility, not a sign of sexual frustration.

End of digression:

I think that 1.5 years to recover from ED makes a lot of sense, because one is retraining their thinking process to restrict pleasure seeking to one's mate instead of to porn and masturbation. ED, in the context of porn addiction, is not cured in the genitals, it is cured in the brain.

rcl5354 said:

Hey everyone I'm new to this but I need support like crazy. I'm a young man who has porn ED and I need to knoe where to begin withy reboot. Please help . all I want in life is to be able to have kids and a family

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Start a journal in the area appropriate for your age and tell your story. You'll find help.

I'm the newbie that posted yesterday. What if you're in a long distance relationship? Does that mean SOoL?

Oldmanme said:

I'm the newbie that posted yesterday. What if you're in a long distance relationship? Does that mean SOoL?

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I wouldn't prefer to it in those terms. Look at my signature line, it's been that long since I had an orgasm or ejaculated. I'm not suffering in any way and I don't consider myself to be SOL. I had a physical exam recently and the doctor commented that my prostate was small and supple, better than many men twenty years my junior. There is no physiological need to ejaculate.

Many of us were given poor advice because, usually about the time of puberty, and that was that we needed to relieve pressure by ejaculating. It's totally false. The prostate absorbs semen and refreshes itself as an ongoing process. Our needs in this regard are naturally met.

If you find this hard to believe, look no further than the animal kingdom. Most animals mate when the opportunity presents itself. Because there is no way to predict this for many species, it is essential that male animals be ready to fertilize a female at a moment's notice. If they masturbated regularly to relieve pressure that would work against their chances for reproduction, because they never know just when the opportunity will present itself and if a mating opportunity were to happen in the refractory period after ejaculation then that male animal would be SOL, at least when it comes to passing along their genes.

My personal strategy has been to stay away from sex that doesn't involve a loving partner. For the time being that means no sex, but I'm fine with that. Life goes on and there are plenty of nice women out there to meet. I'm not worried and I've proven to myself that I can hold out for as long as necessary. My morning erections are healthy, but no bothersome. I'm in a good place.

Thanks for the input. Just had mine checked & it's fine. Will be 70 later this year, so feel blessed. But know I don't have as many years as you, & don't want to miss any chances. I'm committed to do this so I can better please my lady like I did only a couple of years ago.

Oldmanme said:

Thanks for the input. Just had mine checked & it's fine. Will be 70 later this year, so feel blessed. But know I don't have as many years as you, & don't want to miss any chances. I'm committed to do this so I can better please my lady like I did only a couple of years ago.

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No fap works, you can take that to the bank.

Sorry - fap?

Oldmanme said:

Sorry - fap?

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Masturbate to porn.