Author Topic: what is the longterm goal for a healed marriage/relationship?  (Read 5069 times)


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Re: what is the longterm goal for a healed marriage/relationship?
« Reply #25 on: October 26, 2016, 03:10:07 PM »
I went from his watching porn to him shagging prostitutes in a nanosecond in my mind, and prostitution is legal in New Zealand where we are so it's not even like you have to commit a crime to do it, you can just drive into the city and go to one of the many many strip club/whore houses and walk right in in broad daylight with no one batting an eyelid.

I run all our accounts and no every penny in and out so I know he's not paid for anything online, I would doubt he has in real life, part of the draw of pornography is it being anonymous and that no one can see him or judge his performance (he's got issues to do with his body and performance and I've told him they will be caused by the porn use! damn it, so what's he do, users more porn instead of walking away from the thing causing his problems). His cheating line seems to be drawn at anything interactive, so he thinks chat rooms and webcams cross over the cheating line. Personally I think watching porn and fanatasing about other women and lying to your wife for 16 years is cheating. Our vows said forsaking all others, it didn't say look up others online and wank over them but never do webcams.

Realistically I'm never going to know, I've told him I don't trust that he's told me everything and I probably never will. I think I need to find a way to make peace with never knowing.

Emerald Blue

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Re: what is the longterm goal for a healed marriage/relationship?
« Reply #26 on: October 26, 2016, 06:06:37 PM »
I understand about the need to come to terms with 'not knowing' as something that's always in the background. I discovered my husband had at one time been visiting strip bars and I had no idea he would ever want to go to such a place. But of course, he insisted he hadn't been for years but he was still interested to look up strip clubs online. Not deliberately, he said. He was actually looking up just some rather innocent website and he just happened to.... BULLSHIT!! But no, of course he wouldn't go to some tawdry place like that.... Oh no, he just "accidentally" clicked on the website. He didn't know what sort of place it was. REALITY CHECK!! This is a man who admits to having visited such places in the past, not "just the once" or "maybe once or twice" or any of that bull. He was a bit too interested and went too often to pass it off as a curiosity. I don't know how long it went on for, or where he might have gone. But I Did Not Have A Clue.

So how easy was it to sneak this past me? The unsuspecting wife. What else did he think he could get away with? What else DID hd get away with?

TBH, I don't think he would do the webcam thing. I have considered the possibility of him visiting a massage parlour or paid for sex. Before d day I would have never have thought he would even think about it. Now I think the possibility is not as remote as I used to believe. If he had had any sexual experiences outside of our relationship, it's probably more likely to have been with someone he already knows. I had my suspicions about a work colleague, but the truth is, I don't know. It might be one of those curve ball situations when it turns out to be what you'd expect the least.

I've read about the situation in NZ, with legalised prostitution. It sounds awful. A similar situation exists now in Germany and parts of the Netherlands. The more I learn about the realities of prostitution and the global sex trade, I have come to the view that the 'Nordic model' is the best solution. It penalises the buyers of sex. Most prostituted women are selling their bodies because of  economic and social disadvantage, and often have histories of sexual abuse and drug dependency. The legal whorehouses in Europe are the destinations of trafficked women and girls and because of their 'legal status a lot of their illegal activities are conveniently hidden. How can we allow this our 'civilised' nations?

« Last Edit: October 26, 2016, 06:10:28 PM by Emerald Blue »
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it