Author Topic: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover  (Read 11029 times)

AnonymousAnnaXO

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Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« on: October 13, 2016, 05:46:27 PM »
So I have been on this site for a while, and have thought about making a journal a number of times, but fear always stopped me. Fear of others making negative comments and fear of me discovering my true feelings about things. So since the first post is a way to get to know who I am and where I am in recovery, here goes nothing.

I am a recovering anorexic (hence the journal title) and I've been in recovery on and off for three years, and been anorexic since high school. I'm 22 and have been restricting since age 15 or 16 to my awareness. I've always had bad body image even though I have an hour glass figure. A girl friend of mine once told me "Guys will only like you for your body" in middle school and that fed my anorexia and drive to be thin.

I met my PA, who I'll call Cody, over a year ago. He has been the best thing to have happen to me. Seriously the love of my life. I met Cody after a bad chapter in my life. I used to go to school in georgia, where I ended up getting sexually assaulted by a classmate my freshman year, raped my boyfriend of the time in my sophomore year, and my junior year got raped by a guy I had been dating for a while. (I would appreciate no comment on my choices in men, I never would have guessed any of that would have happened when I knew them). Anyways, so those trauma's deeply and profoundly affected me and changed me. Also made the anorexia really bad at times. I figured all I was worth is sex because of my body and knowing guys liked it. I thought a lot about being an escort or going into prostitution though I never did, just I figured that's what I was worth.

Meeting Cody on 6/6/15 was the day that changed my life. I told him right out about my trauma's and my anorexia and gave him plenty of "outs" in case he couldn't deal with me and my issues because a lot of guys in the past bailed on me. I also mentioned week one of meeting I couldn't have porn in a relationship because of my anorexia and that I would relapse.

He obviously said he would stop and it wouldn't be an issue. Of course it was an issue. So I found out about four months ago, so a little over a year of being with him. This of course was after we signed a year lease together and got a kitten together. I felt very... manipulated. I felt like I was trapped and couldn't leave because we signed a lease.

I love him, I am supportive of him, and he is four months porn free and I couldn't be more proud. I've helped educate him on porn and the harmful effects. He never had PIED. Though I could always tell something was off with sex. Intimacy was off at times and then it was so close.

So since finding out I've been an emotional wreck. I already had PTSD from my trauma's that I worked through but now I have PTSD from this. I am a freaking mess. I am triggered so much. I have restricted at times. I've basically made sure to take care of him and help him. He also has been trying to help me.

The worst part of this is that he feels guilty, disgusted, and ashamed and feels like he doesn't deserve me because of how amazing I've been to him. I truly have done everything for him. I got him a great job at my parents company. I got him to go back to school and actually do well, which was something he was insecure about. Ever since he has given up porn his life has gotten so much better in every way, and I am so happy to see him do well in every area of his life.

The thing is he feels like he can't marry me now, which we've talked about. He feels he has to be worthy of me or something and that has been a real sensitive topic for me. After my trauma's I gave up on a normal life of a husband kids and house with a dog. He wants to marry me but feels like he can't ask until I'm better. We found the ring, he knows how much he has to save, but he just worries that he isn't good enough for me anymore. That couldn't be further from the truth! I love him so much and want to see him succeed in every part of life even though he has hurt me so much. He also feels like he can't recognize the person he used to be and the things he did (when I would beg/ask him not to). He doesn't recognize that as who he is.

I know the damage porn can do in relationships by my own experience and reading of others experiences. I hate seeing the harm it's done and I can only hope that everyone can heal from this sad addiction. So I will continue posting here about my experience in recovery, and helping Cody through his.

Thanks for taking the time to read :)
« Last Edit: October 14, 2016, 03:03:31 PM by AnonymousAnnaXO »
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Suffering Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #1 on: October 14, 2016, 02:51:41 PM »
So today was pretty good. Cody made a huge step in his recovery. He asked me if he could go on Facebook to post something so I told him it was okay, and then he blew me away with how brave and courageous he was. I asked his permission to post what he said and he said okay. I'll share that because it shows how much he has changed and grown.

"It seems to me that there is a problem in today's society that most people are unaware of. To some, it's not a problem, to others it may be, some don't realize it and most just deny it completely. To me personally it is a major problem and i didn't even know it until earlier this year. I've had it for probably almost a decade from what i can remember, and in the past years has helped feed a circle of feeling hopeless and like I wasn't going anywhere in life and even some depression i didn't even know I had. I've been addicted to porn for a long time and it took me a while to even realize let alone admit that it was a problem. It's not a problem for everybody but for those that it is they may not realize it. You'd be surprised how much it changes your personality and especially how you view not just woman but everyone. It makes you think that societies view of how a man and woman should look is that "perfect" photo shopped add from clothes stores and magazines when in reality nobody looks like that. It makes the "perfect guy muscular with a perfect face and hair and the girls are unrealistically skinny and most don't realize what hell they go through with there awful health killing diets. And nobody realizes that most porn stars in fact don't want to do porn and the suicide rate is atrocious. The average life expectancy of a porn star isn't even 40 years old. The only 2 states that it's legal in don't even do it legally.

The biggest problem is the effect it has on relationships in society. Most divorces are because of porn and other infidelity that is the cause of a porn addiction that got so bad they went to physical cheating. My relationship has taken a huge toll because of what I've done with porn. Anna told me from the start that she can't handle that in a relationship, her anorexia would take over. I did it for an entire year behind her back. When she found out i promised i wouldn't do it ever again. Of course being an addict that didn't happen. I couldn't understand why i wouldn't stop and i was disgusted with myself inside. This happened a few more times where i said i'd stop and didn't until she found everything I had done for the past year or so a few months ago and it really hurt us.There is nothing in the world we argue about. There is nothing we can't have a short conversation about before coming to a compromise. We agree on almost EVERYTHING and am not exaggerating. The things we don't agree on we talk and come to an agreement but that's rare we don't agree on something. We've rarely been apart in the past 16 months besides work and class and we still miss each other when we're apart. We never fight about anything except for my porn addiction. I ruined the best thing I've ever had because of it. Fortunately she's amazing and has stayed with me and is helping me through it. It is still difficult though. We fight more often all about things that come back to what I did. I lied to her constantly as an addict always does and it took a while to know and admit that it was an addiction. Luckily enough it was not as escalated as I have read of others that were much much worse. I never went passed vanilla and I never got Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction, and yes it exists. If you watch and get off to porn too much you may start needing more and more porn and different kinds just to get hard or even turned on at all. Eventually you won't be able to get an erection, not even for real people. It can be cured by a 90 cleanse from porn and getting off at all. A lot of addicts will go to some f***** up shit on porn sites even child and incest and other taboo s***. Their relationships will crumble and that's usually what causes divorce. If your partner, girlfriend or whoever you're with is not ok with it and you do it anyway, you're letting other woman into the relationship and that's cheating. It's infidelity and if it's left untreated and can escalate to going to other woman physically and emotionally. Some couples and partners are ok with each other watching porn, and that's fine if they are both ok with it but as long as they know that porn is mostly rape and sex trafficking. They usually start out modeling or something innocent and simple and someone tells them they can make a lot of money just having sex. They start off simple and easy but the next thing they know they're taking it in every whole and on coke and alcohol just to get through it and they're pregnant or have syphilis for the fifth time because the tests the male actors get for std's are mostly fake. That's not all cases but it is a lot of cases. Like i said, even the legitimate companies don't abide by the laws. The industry is mostly unregulated.

Since I've stopped, I've been so much happier. Work is better, I'm passing classes with more than a C+ i have all A's now. I finally feel like I'm working on my future because I've felt so stuck for so long. And my relationship is better even though there are some fights about the past porn use and what it did. Also the sex is great, it was great before but now it's the best sex ever every time. Porn really does effect how you interact with people and can very well hinder any kind of intimacy with people, not just in a romantic relationship. Quitting has just overall made me a better person and feel like a better person. I've seen so many stories that are very sad and some that are very nice to see that people recover. It's also nice to see that I'm not alone by long shot. It's a huge problem not only in the U.S. but it's such a serious issue in Australia that a mayor declared that he will try to make his city porn free. High school students in Australia take nudes of girls in class and not only rate them but trade them as if it's a currency. It really is a serious problem and I know many of you will disagree and I really don't care about your arguments on this. This is my experience and my opinions with some facts thrown in. This is not me wanting to argue although if you have polite counterpoints or questions I am more than happy to talk. This is a serious issue and I believe awareness of such a problem should be spread to not only help people who share this problem but also address the insecurity that things like this cause with guys and girls alike where they feel they have to match this impossible picture of perfection that society paints and that even their partners/girlfriends/boyfriends expect them to look like. They even say they want someone more porn or model like not knowing the kind of verbal knife that they are using to stab them with. It's serious shot to self esteem and self worth. I hope everyone can understand this and help make people aware or at least know that this is a problem. I know this was a very long post but thank you for being a real friend to me and taking the time to read it."



The support he has gotten so far has been amazing! He even told some of his friends who he games with to read his post they they would understand why he hasn't been on his computer lately, and they were supportive. Though he did say he didn't look at porn on his computer (because he mainly used his phone) which was a lie, he completely forgot about the couple (3 times maybe) he used the computer. But still, I am so proud of him and his steps forward.

Along with him taking steps forward, so have I. We are doing a game with his friends in a couple weekends and watching Walking Dead afterwards, and since I found out we haven't really watched TV on cable, just Netflix. So I'm anxious about commercials and such but he understands and we have a plan. Also a friend who got really mad at him and us for fighting reached out to him to grab coffee with him tomorrow to talk about the porn addiction I think. A bit nervous, but hopeful that that goes well for him. 
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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Emerald Blue

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2016, 04:27:25 PM »
It saddens me to read about young women with eating disorders and issues with body image at an age when these should be the best years of their lives, and at an age when their youthful beauty is plain to see to everyone but themselves. I know that eating disorders are very complex and I don't know all that much about the subject but I can imagine that your own experiences of rape and later becoming the partner of someone with a porn addiction is going to be very, very difficult. You have been through a lot in your young life. I hope you can find the help and support you need.

I grew up before internet porn. Porn certainly existed but it was mostly magazines. There were X rated movies but people had to go to a theatre to watch them and there were age limits, at least that was what the law said, but no way would a 12 year old kid be admitted although a 16 or 17 year old might get lucky. Even when people started getting home video players, they still had to go to a store and buy a movie, so porn didn't play that big a role in people's lives. As teens, we had to learn from experience, not from porn.

Views on sex and sexuality were far more progressive than in previous generations. We were able to control our fertility. We didn't have to be in committed relationships to have sex. Women's sexual pleasure was being spoken of. Women could explore their own bodies and learn what they enjoy and how to reach orgasm. The women's movement at that time has to take a lot of credit for women's increasingly sexual awareness, in terms of exploring our sexuality, being aware of our sexual health and our reproductive rights. It was a time when we could question tradition roles and explore our own sexuality and lifestyle choices. I consider myself very lucky to have come of age at a time when we had more positive and progressive ideas about healthy sexuality. The prevalence of pornography in the post-internet age has, I feel, been reactionary and backwards. I don't believe it fosters healthy ideas about sex and sexuality at all. But that's another topic for another day. I'm saying all of this to say that healthy sexuality can exist perfectly well without the presence of porn in anyone's life. In fact, a truly sensual shared experience is one of the most beautiful experiences that anyone could ever know.

I also understand the exploitative nature of the porn industry, and I know that many young women suffer from inhumane and cruel treatment at the hands of the unscrupulous sharks who make a killing from their trade. Even at the 'high end' of the industry, it's still a hollow and soul-destroying experience for many. Sure there are a few who apparently make a good living but they often have issues with alcohol and drug misuse, they have unhappy personal lives, they get involved in damaging relationships. For every porn "star" that makes it big, there are hundreds, if not thousands who are used up and cast aside. To be honest, some diehard porn users don't care. They take the attitude that these girls are consenting adults, nobody forces them and they get paid. Anyone who researches what really goes on in the porn industry behind the scenes will tell you a lot of it ain't pretty. Some people care, some don't. I guess that's another aspect of desensitisation. Their fix is all that matters.

I wish you both well in your healing. It's possible to have a beautiful loving relationship without porn ever being a part of it. I wish you both well.
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #3 on: October 17, 2016, 08:27:07 AM »
Thanks Emerald! It is very difficult to be anorexic and be with a porn addict. I was talking to my best friend yesterday and he said that the odds of having a dangerous combination as an anorexic and porn addict together is probably rare.

It's true this is the first generation to grow up with internet porn, and honestly it's ridiculous how bad porn has affected this generation. It really saddens me. The industry is very exploitive and it's scary the stories you read about. I just hate knowing not only does porn destroy relationships, but thinking about the women and men in porn and how abusive that environment can be. It's sick to think that most men don't think about that when they watch porn, it doesn't even occur to them.

Thank you for wishing us the best. I wish you and your husband the best in recovery as well!
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #4 on: October 17, 2016, 08:32:46 AM »
This morning was tough. Cody and I talked about his porn addiction and I am the kind of person to want details. It was really frustrating that he couldn't remember. He has a terrible memory, but I just really wanted to know the things he couldn't remember.

I started feeling really insecure and suddenly felt like Cody shouldn't be touching at me or looking at me. He was hurt by that. I tried explaining to him that to me porn is him going out to a restaurant and eating a good meal, and I am left overs that one considers whether to warm up or throw away. That I felt like I was a consolation prize at times. He felt bad that I felt that way.

He then told me that whenever I start feeling like he shouldn't see me or touch me, that to him it's me seeing him as the tainted porn guy who hurt me, and feels that he isn't good enough. It's ironic that he feels that way, because me not wanting him to touch me is because I feel not good enough. It was good though that we communicated these feelings. I never realized how my not wanting him to touch me made him feel. I usually just am caught up in anorexic thoughts about how my body must be gross compared to porn that I didn't even think about how he was feeling with me pulling away.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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Emerald Blue

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #5 on: October 17, 2016, 06:03:14 PM »
Anna, your body is not "gross" compared to porn. Your body is not gross at all. You have as much right to feel beautiful as anyone, so please don't think of yourself so negatively. I know it's going to be 100x more complicated because of your history of eating disorder, but learning to appreciate and love your body is the key to developing your own sexuality especially, in your own  healing from everything you've been through.

I would also counsel caution in digging too deep for details of your partner's PA. The problem is that once you have visualised it in your mind's eye, or even worse, actually viewed some of it, you end up having these upsetting images burned into your memory and these visualisations can trigger very upsetting reactions. It's helpful to have a accurate overview of the behavior but seeing for yourself or imaging upsetting scenes isn't always helpful.

As for porn women, are they really that great? I don't think so. They are a long way from this supposed "perfection" — fake boobs, creepy Botox faces, lip fillers, plastered on makeup. That's "hot"? There's no point in feeling bad about yourself. You are worth more than porn.

His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #6 on: October 18, 2016, 01:21:18 PM »
Thanks Emerald. A lot of stuff came up this weekend with Cody coming out about his addiction and I've been more self-conscious than normal. I hope that it lessens as things cool down.
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AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #7 on: October 20, 2016, 09:53:27 AM »
It's been rough. Extremely rough since Cody came out on Facebook. He has gotten support, but some people haven't been supportive and I seem to be the scape goat. His sister thinks I'm smothering him, which I'm not. His brother called him a liar. His friend verbally attacked me in a text message. One of his friends who is a girl saw us fight a couple months ago in public, and she obviously told the friend that verbally attacked me. Cody defended me, which was nice. It's just been really rough getting so much negativity. I feel like I should leave my partner so there isn't as much crap. I feel like people hate me now and think I warped his mind into thinking porn is bad. I just don't know what to do. I've been so depressed with all the negativity. I feel so alone. I hate being hated or thought of so negatively. I feel like everyone in his life would be happier if I left him. I know he wouldn't be happy at all, he would be devastated if I left him. I don't want to leave him. His friends think I'm emotionally abusing him and I'm not logical. I have been triggered, yes. He has lost my trust and is building it back. Building back trust means that someone doesn't get to have everything at once. It means things slowly go back to normal once trust is earned and built. Every one hates me and it's so hard. He gets support from everyone and they hate me.
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aquarius25

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #8 on: October 21, 2016, 04:00:54 PM »
I am so sorry you are dealing with that. I had the same experience when we confided in a few of our couples friends. They didn't understand it, partly because they both watch P regularly I think. Anyway I ended up being the bad guy. Even when my husband defended me they still wanted to attack me. We are still friends but its not the same. I try to avoid making plans with them and when we do see them the conversation is more forced. That has been our experience with 4 couples that we spoke with. So we have basically lost half our friends. The other half don't know, lol, and we plan to keep it that way sadly. There was only one couple that was understanding and we are a lot closer now! I feel like it has really showed us who our true friends are. And for the friends that we haven't told I am scared to. It makes me feel like I am not able to be completely open and the friendship isn't as deep as a result. The attitude towards this addiction is so sad/frustrating/angering and so many more emotions. This has bothered me so much that I really just want to move. I know that sounds drastic but I really feel that way. I don't see us actually relocating but I have to be honest about my feelings and my feelings are that I just want a fresh start. So its a long way of saying I understand and I am sorry to hear you are experiencing the backlash. It sucks that the the SO ends up getting blamed. Its just the pits! Hang in there is does get better. On a positive note I found after that experience my husband and I started talking a lot more since we both felt that we were basically the only people we could talk to. So maybe that is the silver lining.

AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #9 on: October 21, 2016, 06:17:46 PM »
Thanks Aquarius, I just hate the backlash. I am sorry to hear that this happened to you too. One of the friends he has, the one who asked if I was emotionally abusing him, once the situation was more explained to him, he understood and is fine with me. I guess the thing that bothers me is that Cody said his friends were my friends when we met and through out our relationship. I always told him they were his friends. They all liked me until his addiction came out.

I guess the thing that hurts the most is that they all had such low opinions of me the first chance they got. I think I am honestly shocked they think so little of me and it takes extensive convincing to think otherwise. Cody is also shocked and annoyed that they would say things like that about me. I told him I expected apologies from his friends. I also told him I wanted to ask his friends why they jumped to such drastic opinions about me. It honestly was just unexpected for them to say such hurtful things.

I can understand friends are protective and they want to make sure their friend is fine. I can understand them saying, "I know you cheated on her for a year, but are you happy, is she doing right by you?" I could understand a comment like that. But not comments like I'm warping his mind, or asking if I'm emotionally abusive. The friend thought that because he thought that I told Cody I would restrict if he watched porn after I found out. Once Cody explained that when I first met Cody I explained to him that me having anorexia meant I couldn't be in a relationship where porn was involved because it could trigger me to relapse in my own recovery, he understood. But still the comment was so hurtful.
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AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #10 on: October 22, 2016, 07:13:48 PM »
Had an interesting moment. I was scrolling through a blog and there was a picture of Chris Hemsworth in his underwear. The post was about how in society women are sexualized for ads and such and men aren't. I was so caught off guard and Cody saw me looking at Chris and was like, "Why are you looking at that?"

I found it interesting that he was not happy that I saw a picture of Chris Hemsworth in boxers in the post. I asked him why, and he said I knew why. I found his reaction interesting because he felt what I had felt when he had all those images and such. Has anyone else's partner gotten upset or hurt if you happen to see an attractive guy in boxers or anything like that? I just found it interesting that Cody had such a change in thoughts. When we first dated he could have cared less if I had a saved picture of a guy in underwear, which I never would have done because I'm in a relationship and don't believe in having others in a relationship, but his mind set has changed ever since he views porn as cheating.
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AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #11 on: October 23, 2016, 02:02:23 PM »
I have been in denial. I've been focused on Cody's recovery and helping him. I've been setting boundaries and making sure he knows what I am okay with and what I'm uncomfortable with. Last night I had a flashback. I had a flashback to when we sat down together to go through his computer history because he said he didn't think he used his computer for porn, just his phone when I had found out about it all.

We found porn when we went through, not a lot, but at least 5 images/gifs. He said that was probably right before he met me, because of the history right before it. So whether he did it while with me or not, it still was very hard to see it. So last night I had a flashback to seeing those gifs/images and was crying and breaking down because of the amount of pain. Cody told me to stay in the moment and remember that was in the past. He was really good through my flashback, probably because he has dealt with my flashbacks from the PTSD from my rapes.

I guess I just wanted to deny that I was having PTSD effects from this. I feel stupid for having PTSD from this. I can understand PTSD from rape, but from this, I think people will think I'm crazy. Cody reassured me and told me that if I wasn't ready for him to get the computer back, that was fine and we would work up to it. He can use my laptop, or my desktop because he has never used on those computers. Just knowing he did on his computer is where I have the anxiety.

I honestly hate the PTSD from this. I had gone to therapy and dealt with the PTSD from my rapes and was really getting over it. I had a good couple months with minimal PTSD and then I find out about Cody's addiction and PTSD stuff is back. I hate the breakdowns, the flashbacks, the anxiety attacks, the depression and the roller coaster of emotions. There are days like today, where Cody and I have been great, and then there are days where the PTSD anxiety triggers are so bad I don't think I can leave the apartment. I guess I am just really angry I have PTSD again because of how hard it was to get under control for my other traumas. I never wanted to have to go through EMDR again or PTSD work again because of how difficult it was. I've already gone through it three times, and now I have to do this again for a fourth time.

I also don't think anyone will understand if I tell them about this. So that makes me feel alone and isolated and misunderstood.
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AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #12 on: October 25, 2016, 08:38:33 AM »
I made progress and so did Cody. This morning I got out of the shower as Cody was getting in and I left my phone on the charger and told him to take it off when it hits 100%. I went to bed and only once he got back in bed with me did I realize I left him in the bathroom with my phone with no blockers on them. Cody, while we were together always used in the shower when I was asleep in the morning. So when he got back I told him that I realized that I made progress because I trusted him with my phone and him being in the shower. He also realized he made progress because the thought of using never even crossed his mind.
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AnonymousAnnaXO

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #13 on: October 25, 2016, 09:15:12 PM »
In the beginning of my relationship with Cody, I thought if I took sexy pictures of me in lingerie that would be enough for him to not look at instagram girls. Of course we both didn't realize he had an addiction at that point.

Me being in lingerie taking sexy pictures was very... out of character for me. But I was looking at some of my favorite shots where I have to say I look really attractive, I look at the picture and I think to myself where the hell did that daring and confident girl go?

I can't put lingerie on anymore without being so anxious of rejection (its happened before). I know I've always struggled with body image due to anorexia, but I felt so confident a year and a half ago when I had just gotten out of recovery. I took that photoshoot at the height of my recovery. I was healthy, confident and in a really good place.

I look at where I am now, and I am back to slightly, possibly, relapsing, and I don't feel confident, and I sure as hell don't feel sexy. I just wonder if I'll ever be able to get that back. I used to actually be somewhat confident in my looks, and now I look at myself and I can't see anything. I feel like nothing sometimes.

Especially because Cody and I have talked about marriage. He told me he wanted to marry me three months into meeting me but wanted to wait a year to see how we are. Of course I found out about the addiction at the one year mark, and that made him feel unworthy of marrying me. I took that as he didn't want to marry me, even though he wants to marry me. It kind of hurt me. Here I am, still wanting to marry him as if nothing happened, and yet he "changed his mind". I felt like I was more committed. Of course, he told me he felt it would be unfair to ask me to marry him if he wasn't confident in his recovery.

We talked last night and he says he is more confident and does feel more worthy of proposing. I guess, I just fear that he actually won't propose and I'll be strung along for a while, though that's not Cody's character at all...

I guess this whole addiction thing shook up everything to the core. I still am trying to process all the changes and the adjustments, and helping him in his recovery while also not relapsing in my own...
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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cuppatea

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #14 on: October 26, 2016, 03:45:49 PM »
Hello,

I have ptsd as well and have done, undiagnosed for the last 20 years until just recently. I was the victim of a violent attempted rape, someone walked in on it and because it never progressed to full blown rape I down played it in my own mind, never told anyone it had happened (the person that walked in would have had no idea that what they saw was non consenting), anyway after that I got into an abusive relationship where I was raped more than once and sexually abused in other ways as well. I basically shut all that out too, and so I've struggled all my life with disassociation and anxiety and feeling useless and worthless and all the rest of it but never putting the pieces together. Finding my husband watching porn triggered it all up, not what I saw but the feelings it provoked, because they were the same feelings I felt when abused, that I was worthless, ugly, crap at sex, etc etc. Because of the way the full extent of my husbands use has come out, basically trickle discoveries (me hacking the computer, his tablet, going through his facebook account and text messages etc), many lies, some disclosures if I asked directly, like I found out about instagram because I asked "did you use instagram?" otherwise he never would have told me because he had deleted the app with the intention of me never knowing even though I asked him to be honest and tell me everything! Anyway I know have full blown ptsd just from this alone, my counselor says it's intimate partner betrayal and it's intersecting with the trauma from my past, and because i had repressed that I've basically been retraumatised by that and traumatised by my husband at the same time. I'm a huge trauma mess. For the first time in my life I've gone on meds for anxiety and depression and yet even with those I'm barely functioning. Yesterday I floated through the day feeling useless and emotionally drained. Today I was suppose to take the kids to swimming and gym (I homeschool them) but I can't face it, there lessons started 15 mins ago and I'm not dressed and they are on the xbox because the idea of leaving the house today was too overwhelming for me. I'm thoroughly letting them down at the moment.

But anyway I've started rambling, I really just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone with having ptsd from this. And I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that it's quite common to get. It might have been in Paula Halls partner book, I'll have a look later and if it is I'll quote it in here for you.

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #15 on: October 26, 2016, 05:04:58 PM »
Thanks for replying. I am sorry to hear about your trauma's. PTSD can be a real pain in the ass. It comes up at the most inconvenient times. I've been good today. I have communicated more with my partner,  Cody, about triggers and such. I guess I just feel really bad about this because of past reactions from people to my PTSD. I also feel like crap because of Cody's friends reactions to his announcement about his addiction and what happened. I now feel like I have to be perfect and do everything he wants and needs so I don't look bad to his friends, which is shit, because I haven't done anything wrong.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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cuppatea

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #16 on: October 26, 2016, 07:38:07 PM »
This article talks about ptsd,  also has some tips on healing   

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #17 on: October 31, 2016, 10:23:37 AM »
So that Facebook post of Cody's has still had more repercussions. His parents think I posted it and I am horrified by that. I can't believe they think so little of me. They think I'm asking too much of him...but how? Is asking for honesty, respect, trust, faithfulness, and each sharing our responsibilities equally in a relationship too much to ask for??? I don't get it!
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #18 on: November 01, 2016, 07:13:25 PM »
Sorry I see that I didn't actually post the link and now the link is broken as I just tried it again and they've changed all their website about.

I had pasted some of it to my hubby so I'll copy that in here but it doesn't have the bits on what you yourself can do.

"In all my years of counseling individuals and couples, I have never seen any other behavior produce a pattern of pain and misery as predictable as that which happens to an individual and his marriage when he views pornography. Let me briefly outline the pattern as I see it.First, long before his wife discovers his pornography use (either by his own disclosure or by her catching him), he will begin to slowly change into someone who becomes more self-centered, irritable, moody, and impatient. He will spend less focused time with his family, seek out more distractions, begin to mentally and even verbally devalue his marriage, become critical of his wife’s body and character, feel more spiritually empty, and experience more internal stress. He will become more dissatisfied with his work, become easily bored with things that used to interest him, and feel restless. He will also become more resentful and blaming when things don’t go his way. This transformation may take years, depending on how often he views pornography. If he only seeks it out every few months, he may be able to fool himself that the aforementioned challenges are situational and will pass with time. For those who view pornography more frequently, each viewing produces more disconnection from the man he could become. The repeated viewings and subsequent self-deception deepen this transformation over time. This gradual erosion eventually creates confusion and strife in the marriage. Although each case is different, most wives who knew nothing of their husband’s secretive pornography consumption have told me they felt like something was “off” in their relationship with their husband. They usually second-guessed themselves, many of them even reflexively blaming themselves entirely for the disconnection in the marriage.If undisclosed pornography use has the potential to produce this much confusion and pain in a marriage, one can only imagine the level of difficulty imposed on a wife when these secretive behaviors are actually brought to light.Shock, denial, anger, rage, depression, self-loathing, isolation, and fear are some of the words that describe what a woman experiences when she learns of her husband’s secretive sexual behaviors. Virtually every woman I’ve worked with has experienced deep shame, embarrassment, and humiliation. Unfortunately, partners will often suffer privately and become more disconnected and isolated from their support systems. Even if they initially react in anger, most of the pain becomes “sorrow that the eye can’t see.Most men who reveal their secretive behaviors feel the relief of not having to carry the secret anymore. Ironically, the crushing load once carried by the addict gets transferred to the wife. Burdened by this new and unwelcome challenge, she typically experiences profound fear, anxiety, and confusion. Many scholars have noted that women betrayed by their husband’s pornography use experience symptoms associated with post traumatic stress disorder, a condition that is equated with feelings of powerlessness, intrusive thoughts and memories, and efforts to avoid the triggers associated with the traumatic stressor. Like war-torn soldiers, these women live in fear that something will remind them of the painful memories associated with the betrayal of pornography. They often become hyper-vigilant--checking computer histories, cell phones, and obsessing over ways to stop his pornography use. he stress associated with discovering a husband’s pornography addiction can produce sleepless nights, food issues (both overeating and undereating), traumatic flashbacks, crying spells, and feelings of hopelessness. The physical exhaustion related to these stressors can cause a once perfectly healthy woman to begin under functioning in her various roles. Many women believe they will automatically recover from the trauma of their husband’s pornography use when he stops looking at it. It’s easy to imagine how this would be the case. If the behavior that is causing the pain goes away, then the pain goes away, right? Yes and no.
Yes, the pain will decrease as a husband commits to ending his pornography consumption and begins to live an authentic life free from the damaging effects of this addiction. On the other hand, if women affected by their husband’s pornography use don’t consciously work to undo the effects of his behavior, they could continue to hang onto unresolved fear, resentment, anger, and grief.
Another comparison helps to clarify this point. If a woman is a passenger in a car driven by her out-of-control husband and he steers the car into a tree, it’s unlikely she’ll get back into a car with him without some sort of reassurance that he’ll be more safe. Even if he takes driver safety classes and pays fines, she will still struggle to know if he’s going to protect her. She will need to work through her own emotional reactions, trauma, and feelings of powerlessness associated with the injuries caused by her husband’s irresponsible driving. The couple will need to work through the impact on each of them individually and then work on the relational impact caused by his behavior.

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #19 on: November 01, 2016, 07:23:22 PM »
Thanks, that was a great read and very accurate! I can relate to that. I have anorexia, and had been in recovery for a year! That was the longest I'd ever gone without seriously restricting. I mean, my partner helped me so much that I didn't feel guilty when I ate chips! (I know that might sound stupid) but anyways...since I've found out, and with all the hate from friends and family, I am now checking myself back in to a IOP treatment center because I have relapsed. I am angry that his life is put back together when mine is falling apart.
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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #20 on: November 02, 2016, 02:45:34 PM »
I talked to Cody today about a lot of things. I knew he was being distant ever since he posted on Facebook, and that's why I kept asking if he had been using. He hasn't. But today he realized he hasn't been talking to me. He then told me he felt that I was too protective or too helping in his recovery. I felt bad. I feel bad, I didn't realize I was being like that.

I know that I have been trying to balance my needs and his needs. My needs are well... knowing when he gets to and leaves work because that way when he sends his work internet history I know if there is something missing. I need to know who he is hanging out with (because some friends are being mean to me, and some are just going to hinder his own recovery), I want to know where because some places have posters that are provocative or things like that, which makes me uncomfortable, so I like going to places he wants to go to see the environment... Is that too much? Probably. I feel like a freaking PTSD mess.

I told him since we met because of my PTSD from rape trauma and anorexia, that he could leave if it got too bad. Well... his frustrations with me makes it seem like my PTSD from his addiction is too much. I cry, I break down, I yell, and I get paranoid and scared. I HATE it. I just want to be numb, and I want to have no emotional reaction to anything he does (whether it's good or bad) so that he doesn't have to feel either bad or angry or frustrated at me for my emotional responses... he makes me feel like I am too much and that I am too emotional and too sensitive... I feel like I have to just shut up and nod my head in agreement to whatever to keep him appeased.

I am sorry that having his friends and family hate on me has made me relapse in my anorexia, I am sorry that I don't want him hanging out with any of them until I get a chance to explain my side and get an apology, I am sorry I break down crying and can be a bit controlling out of fear... I am not perfect. I am working on it. I hate this. Some days it all feels like it's too much. 

I started thinking about me and my needs for the first time since I found out. I mean I would sometimes have thoughts that would quickly leave my head about my needs, but never truly thought about what I need. I need space sometimes. I need to actually take care of myself. I need to learn how to not pick up all the slack. I need to let Cody fall. That is a big one. I take after my dad in that. He never let me fail, and that's what I've been doing with Cody. So I need to back off and let him do his recovery and focus on mine, and if he slips up, I need to be okay with that.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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cuppatea

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #21 on: November 02, 2016, 03:22:43 PM »
Hubby and me are finding the book "love you, hate the porn : Healing a relationship damaged by virtual infidelity" really helpful. It talks about the female response to the relationship crisis, the male response and the things that both (but mostly the addict) can do to help. It's the most helpful thing we've read in terms of healing as a couple. That Paula Hall partner book is great for healing yourself, but this one is really great for the couple relationship. It doesn't get into individual healing, just the couple relationship, so you and he can use it alongside any other resources you are using. Gracie in here recommended it, they found it very helpful too. The guy who wrote the book has a website too http://markchamberlainphd.blogspot.co.nz/

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #22 on: November 02, 2016, 03:25:16 PM »
Thanks I'll buy that too haha I just need some damn guidance haha
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #23 on: November 03, 2016, 06:48:32 AM »
I swear by the Love You Hate the Porn guy.  He saved our relationship.   Things do get better with time.  My husband was an assholethe first six months and then half an asshole after that.  A year in I really noticed the difference.   We are closer but we are different.  With sex, we finally wised up and just went ahead and had sex whenever everything was working.  Waiting till later never worked.   

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Re: Recovering Anorexic, Trying to Help My PA Partner Recover
« Reply #24 on: November 07, 2016, 09:28:36 AM »
I bought the book Gracie. I just got through Paula Hall's book that people have recommended, and want to start reading Love you Hate porn with my partner.

I've already seen a huge difference in the person my partner has become (or always wad under the porn fog).

Lately, this past weekend, we had an amazing talk and everything changed. Our sex life is amazing right now, our communication is on point, and we are so happy, and I've just been seeing that I noticed these things in the beginning. I guess I fell in love with Cody, seeing him for who he truly was, and also saw the porn fog side of him, and that confused me. Now that he has been off porn for almost 6 months I see Cody and just Cody and it's been the nicest thing.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive" - sir Walter Scott

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