Author Topic: Question about your first experience with P, need advise  (Read 2222 times)

aquarius25

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Question about your first experience with P, need advise
« on: October 11, 2016, 02:49:21 PM »
Hello, I have posted in here a few times with questions and you guys have been super helpful so thank you in advance! I am an SO so its hard to put myself completely in your shoes.  I have a son he is almost 9. I have noticed that a lot of you guy in your journals mentions starting to look at P around 9-13. I wanted to ask if there was something that would have helped you then to avoid the addiction your experiencing now? I am not asking to shame at all just wanting a perspective in hopes my son can avoid this in his life. I have talked with my husband but thought I would see what others had to say as well. What would have helped you? Was there something during your adolescents that could have put things in perspective in a way you could understand? Maybe a different way of approaching the sex talk? At what age would you say these things come up? He is only just starting to ask questions so I would like to be prepared. Thanks for your time and I really hope a few of you will respond!

I wish you the best of success in your reboot!!!

yesyes1234

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Re: Question about your first experience with P, need advise
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2016, 04:53:34 PM »
Maybe you could talk to him about the causes of addiction in general would be a good segway to porn use. Obviously it would also be benificial to know, that you can get addicted to a lot of things by using stimulants to raise your dopamine levels. It might take a bit of maneuvering around the scientific elements, but I'm sure you can break it down to something understandable.

You could also use some of the media that has been produced on the topic as a basis of discussion. Like the infamous ted talk by Gary Wilson

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

I would consider looking into filters as well. He will probably still find a way to look at some porn, but by making it harder you can obviously limit his options.

Obviously, addiction isn't the only concern, which I'm sure you have thought about as well. Keeping a healthy view of women and sexuality are also a big part of the dilemma. Something I don't see discussed too much, is just how much hardcore porn has mixed with mainstream porn lately. It is unlikely he won't be exposed to some pretty shocking stuff when he first starts to look for porn. Just so you know.

I don't know how to avoid this since the tube sites don't really have clear distinctions and the access to the different kinds of porn are usually accessible on the same pages (their filtering and categorisation system is horrible). Additionally, the ads on these sites frequently feature hardcore clips, so just by entering the sites, you can be exposed to some pretty nasty stuff. I didn't start watching untill I was well into my teenage years and even then it was pretty overwhelming.

Hope it can help. Good luck!

aquarius25

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Re: Question about your first experience with P, need advise
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2016, 11:34:59 PM »
Yesyes1234,
Thank you! Really great advise! I appreciate your feedback! At this point I know P is everywhere so I know he will see it.. I just hope he doesn't get caught up in it to a point where it pulls him away from life. I hope he can understand that just because something seems interesting it can be like a black hole and not worth going down.
Thank you again!

D_F

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Re: Question about your first experience with P, need advise
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2016, 12:54:26 AM »
I'd say that there were three major factors that led to my addiction:
1.  An enmeshed upbringing.  My mother wanted me to have a relationship, but I felt that she wanted me to be a mirror image of herself in a lot of areas, and I self-sabotaged relationship-wise to avoid giving her momentum (this may not make much sense if you haven't dealt with enmeshment).
2.  The belief, learned from my family and other places, that men were "pigs" and that I had to be different and had to "repress".
3.  The anger and the need for an outlet due to not being able to get my needs met due to #1 and #2

So my suggestions based on those factors:
1.  First of all, respect your son's assertiveness and boundaries.  Try to avoid having an enmeshed or neglectful relationship.  If you have any doubts about your relationship with him, I'd suggest therapy.
2.  DON'T USE SHAME, AND DON'T "PARENTIFY" HIM.  With your situation with your husband, this is absolutely critical.  Do not bring him into your parental conflict, or use it to try to make him different.  Either tell him, or get a male friend or relative (not your husband obviously) to tell him, that what he's feeling or what he'll be feeling is OK, and that there are healthy and less healthy ways of dealing with it.  Don't tell him or imply that he's bad for having these urges.  Also, if you do catch him looking at porn, be very careful.  Again, tell him that the urges and feelings are OK, but that you don't agree with pornography as an outlet for his urges, that there are better ways to deal with it, and try to have someone he can talk to.  If you start yelling at him, bringing up misogyny in the industry, telling him that he's like his father, etc., then he's going to feel shame, and I feel that shame leads to the "what-the-hell effect" (e.g., "If I'm bad or misogynistic, then I might as well keep looking at porn and not do things to improve my life")
3.  Be a good listener.  Or, as I said before, have a man that he can talk to confidentially.

I don't have a kid, but these are my suggestions based on what I went through.  Maybe someone who has gone through this with a child will have better advice.

willtochange

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Re: Question about your first experience with P, need advise
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2016, 05:22:11 AM »
I would install parental blockers on any devices that has access to the web. I think the sex talk also would be a great way to lead to the topic of porn usage.


aquarius25

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Re: Question about your first experience with P, need advise
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2016, 09:31:30 AM »
D_F,
I think you are spot on with the shame factor. I think a lot of parents intentionally or not shame their kids when it comes to sexuality. My husband who is a PA says that is one of the biggest factors when he started looking at P and keeping it a secret. I think the secrecy is where things go bad. So yes having a good relationship and an open dialog is a great place to start. Thank you!

Willtochange,
We already have blockers simply because my husband is still recovering himself so I think its a perfect way to protect the kids as well. I have been letting him take the lead on installing them and all because I am really not tech savvy at all. I assume that he has picked ones that are effective. I am not questioning him much because I am learning to trust him and I need to give him room to show me that he is being accountable and successful in his recovery. With my son and my husband I don't want to be living in a constant state of paranoia about P. I want to trust people and allow them the responsibility that comes with the trust. It's more respectful and peaceful for everyone.

Thank you so much for the great feedback! I hope not only will this conversation help our family but maybe there are other families out there that can start to change the conversation in their home and we can help our future generations learn to have a better understanding  and avoid this in their life! So! keep the feedback coming and keep up the great work in your recovery!

yesyes1234

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Re: Question about your first experience with P, need advise
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2016, 01:10:48 PM »
Cheers, Aquarius!

And credit to you for approaching this in thoughtfull way. Yourbrainonporn has a section with a number of helpful videos on the topic, btw.

http://yourbrainonporn.com/videos


jimthejones

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Re: Question about your first experience with P, need advise
« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2016, 01:14:07 PM »
talikin and reading as much as u can about sexaulity is key. sometimes i wonder if i read some of the more radical femnist porn activist before my addiction wud i have enjoyed it as much? i dnt know but reading, listening to how women (pornstars,partners,mothers) are affected by porn sobers one up. also readin the positive side of sex helps a lot so you certainly have to understand the subject as best as u can and talk to ur children about it.

spend as much time as u can together ,play games together and so forth. i had a lot time alone as a child i think that had a part to play in my addiction i wasnt even watching internet porn at the time. ill jus use r rated movies then moved to soft porn and eventually internet porn(later on in life) but then i went to boarding school there was no tv,no internet and i had room mates so there was no means or time to watch any material

Accountabilty is also important i dont care how well you articulated the health benefits of certain foods children cannot have an unmonitored acces to sweets and cakes (adults too).


final thought be approachable...make it easy for your family to talk to you if they fall into any kind of addiction...some of the things that my brother said make it impossible to talk , he tried to insinuate the one time that there is no such thing as addiction. so i had to convince him otherwise i was reactional didnt really do a good job.without rambling if u dont know much about the addiction just be there by listening and later try to read more so you can ask relevant and helpful questions.. but its important not to demonise or shame as the other guy has said.


ps: my family is great they just dont understand this problem

Diesel driver

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Re: Question about your first experience with P, need advise
« Reply #8 on: October 12, 2016, 04:38:59 PM »
Oh boy! When I started watching porn I looked for soft stuff, bikini models and strip tease videos.

The first real porn videos mildly disgusted me but horniness and curiosity made me stick to it and eventually porn became great.

I think if I was told that sex is something to make people bond I would have had an easier time around girls (who liked me a lot but I avoided them). To understand that it is unnatural and awkward to look at strangers having sex or even having random sex with a stranger. It's an alluring fantasy but leads down a destructive path, be it P addiction or STDs.
But make sure he has a positive outlook on sex because sexual insecurity leads to isolation which (maybe) leads to P addiction. The dad might be a better figure to tell him these things.

aquarius25

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Re: Question about your first experience with P, need advise
« Reply #9 on: October 12, 2016, 11:57:34 PM »
Diesel driver & jimthejones, Thank you!
Yes my husband would obviously be the one to initiate this conversation and he and I both thought it would be good to get more than just our opinion on this subject which is why I started this conversation. Something I am noticing and find interesting is a lot of the advise given is just about being understanding, encouraging and building a relationship with my son that has mutual respect and love as the base. Seems Shame and isolation is a recipe for chaos. When I think about my husbands addiction I think a lot of it started around those two things. He still deals with feeling the shame of not being good enough (pied) and dealing with the hurt I have suffered as a result of his choices. He feels that he isn't good enough. I just wish sometimes that this wonderful advise that  he and you men are giving out you would also apple to yourself. If you are experiencing shame know that you don't need to and you are worth it. The lasting impact of your first years coming into sexual maturity has really shown its effect (at least in my husbands life). I am glad that he, and we are healing. I hope that if any of you are in that same boat that you realize your worth and get out there and be social and develop relationship with people so the world can experience who you are and all you have to offer. I think that would make a difference in the rebooting process and, as I apply it to my son, in the men we are raising for tomorrow!

Thank you again for your feedback I greatly appreciate and value your opinion.

saintpetersburg

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Re: Question about your first experience with P, need advise
« Reply #10 on: October 13, 2016, 04:31:22 PM »
I'd like to add anything that could help you with your son from my perspective.

I think having zero access to P in the first years of M is really really important - I'm sure it's the reason why I've been able to avoid relapsing maybe more easily than average. I'd say that from 11-14 I had only my imagination then 14 - 19 I had some magazines (I'm sure the effect on the brain is nothing like internet porn). It was only after that age that I had high-speed streaming internet porn.

Without getting too weird I basically think it's crucial that your son starts M without any porn at all. And obviously I'd hope that he'll continue without porn forever but I think it's much easier to come back from all that crap if you've had a time in your life when all you had was your imagination. I think there are guys really struggling on here whose first experiences (and sometimes all M experiences) have involved porn. I think that's the scenario I'd do everything I can to avoid if I had children.

Obviously I also echo the sentiments of open-ness in the family and forgiveness and also respect for what sex is and how to treat lovers.

DonLorenzo

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Re: Question about your first experience with P, need advise
« Reply #11 on: October 15, 2016, 06:00:57 AM »
Very important is to not go the same way as parents and schools did with marijuana, saying things that are lies and scaring kids about it. Then later when they find out the truth, they loose the trust. Plus, telling kids "no" is almost as saying "go for it, I dare ya". So do NOT tell them that "you cannot watch porn" without explaining why. And dont be dishonest and say things like "even the first video can cause brain damage or whatever.

Explain what can happen with porn. Show him the tens of thousands of men having ED, low libido and addiction here on the internet. Tell him what can happen, and why that can happen. Then he can make the choice to not watch porn (or if he wants to watch, then at least he knows to limit the use to minimun, he knows the signs of addiction and signs of beginning sexual dysfunction).

Important thing is KNOWLEAGE!! If I had known that porn can cause damage to the reward circuitry, then I would not be here. I would have seen the signs and stopped. But no one told us, so we just went nuts and enjoyed those free drug-like rushes and euphorias that new exciting videos gave us. Tell your son what porn can do.