Author Topic: Trickle down disclosures  (Read 6593 times)

stillme

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Trickle down disclosures
« on: October 11, 2016, 10:19:16 AM »
Has anyone else dealt with your partner doing "trickle down" disclosures? My partner has, for all intents and purposes, overcome his porn addiction. The problem is, rebuilding the marriage is still hard because I am still finding things out that I feel should have been disclosed way back on d-day. So, I am getting mad all over again with issues that would have probably been dealt with in all of our long, drown out, emotionally charged conversations. If feels to him like I am beating a dead horse when I just found out about the horse five minutes ago - GRRRR!!

Lastest dead horse - I found out he was having interactions with porn cam girls (private camera room porn shows, him turning on his webcam for them to jack off together, sending gifts to one as well as occasionally texting with her). Dealt with all that drama only to find out - the one he was texting with lives relatively close to us. Like - we frequent the area that she lives in. He has traveled alone to the area for business, but I don't think he spent enough time there to meet up with her. However, I HATE the fact that I could be passing this woman in the grocery store and have no idea who she is. My husband, my kids and I could be going to the local mall and there is potential for an exchange. He found out she was "close" when he sent her a gift (he swears he only knows her city/state, but not her actual address), but continued to text with her until d-day. She would send him texts when she uploaded a new video since he was such a good 'customer'. I found out because I looked at the account he used to send her a gift. He didn't come out and say, "By the way, one of those cam girls lives in X town." It wasn't until I was again playing detective (feeling there was something else he was hiding) that I nearly pissed my pants when I saw the town she lived in.

So, of course I flip my shit because it was one thing when in my head this porn women were "out there" somewhere in cyber space. But, to know that there is some potential (no matter how slight) that they could have true, real life interaction infuriates me. It also makes me angry that whenever we go to that area I am going to be looking around wondering if the person bagging my groceries, or pulling up in the car next to me, or passing by on the sidewalk might be the person my husband was jacking off too.

I so would have rather dealt with these crazy thoughts when the shit hit the fan months ago. Now I am thrust back into the land of crazy wife and any and all progress has stopped and I am back to getting ready to put all his clothes in the car and set it on fire (not literally, just emotionally).

aquarius25

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #1 on: October 11, 2016, 02:37:39 PM »
Stillme,
That just sucks. I can't imagine how hard that would be and yes my emotions would be a train wreck. I felt a small version of that (not anywhere to the degree that you are experiencing) when my husband would masturbate to my friends on FB. I felt it was one thing to have these women just be strangers but when I realized that he was doing this to pictures of my friends!!! That was the worst. It still bothers me actually. I even have a few friends that I avoid hanging out with because every time I see them I think about him sitting there with his dick in his hands staring at them. When these emotions come up I realize it is never going to be 100% better. There is no going back to the way things were. I will never be able to get 100% past this and I will probably never trust him absoutly 100% because of the betrayal. But I recognize his effort, and the direction we are moving in now. I understand and so does he just how bad this behavior is and he knows the severity of the damage caused. We can't go back but we are moving forward into the unknown. We are creating a new normal for us. Life is full of crap! Absolute bullshit! There really isn't anyway to sugarcoat it. People will always disappoint you at some point because we are all human. I am learning to accept that and appreciate people for who they are, crap and all. We all have our issues (I am a christian so I am focusing on believing that I am not better than anyone else) but better or worse it is what it is. If I left I probably wouldn't find someone who loves me anymore than he because I know he does love me so very much, and I do love him too. So with that attitude we move forward. When these feelings come up I take a deep breath and learn to let them go. I mentally tell myself I am choosing to leave it because honestly in the end I am the only one suffering and I don't deserve to suffer. He knows he doesn't deserve my forgiveness and grace but I am learning to give freely without any strings. Isn't that the very meaning of grace? I know there is peace in that and I want peace so very much. He will always be carrying the weight of the damage he cause and the incredible gift of being able to keep his family together and to keep me as well. What he does with every day forward has to be to hold tight to that. So far he has.
I pray that you find some way to meditate and rest in some peace. Find some way to be ok even when the situation isn't ok. I will pray for peace for you!

Emerald Blue

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #2 on: October 11, 2016, 05:08:40 PM »
Stillme, this must be such a distressing situation to find yourself in after all this time. I know what you mean, if you knew earlier you would have been spared this long, drawn out heartbreak. When "just porn" crosses the line into any kind of one-to-one like this webcam girl it's moving into a riskier territory. I understand your fears of them having met, and with very good reason. He has visited her area on business - red flag, he has sent her a gift - red flag, and sending texts to each other. We know how the drip feed system works. They deny everything, then they admit to "it was just the once" and then you find out a bit more and another bit more. It wasn't just the once, and it turns out to be worse than you imagined. You go from having no idea to knowing more than you bargained for.

So here's what I'd do. I'd trawl through as much data as I realistically could to find an evidence of dates when he was in her area and any financial evidence of whether gifts he sent took place on or around these dates. I realise this may not be possible, you may not have access to his financial statements nor could you realistically prove he was in her area at various dates. What about the times he wasn't away on business or said he was elsewhere? Still, worth sifting through his computer(s) and/or phone(s) if you can.

The other thing to do is to get her number and email and start texting her as your husband. Buy a PAYG SIM card just for this purpose. Tell her you (posing as him) have a new number and that *you are keeping secret from *your wife* and see if you can trap her into revealing any information. For example "remember the gift I sent you? I'd love to send you another one. Is there anything special you'd like this time?" Crap like that. I'm just making it up off the top of my head but you have to reel her in so she sings. I'm sure there's an art to it, lol. You could push it further and suggest "meeting" but the trick is to get her to reveal as much about her contact with your husband as she can without her finding out it's not him. Just say you have bought a very basic dumbphone and you can't do any webcamming because *your wife* is suspicious. Of course, you may not wish to go down this route AT ALL because it would take nerves of steel and you could find out things you wished you hadn't.

The thing to remember is.... your husband was only a source of cash to her. That's how she saw him - as money. He was a source of income, and that's all. He wasn't her only customer. He was just another sucker. Once he logged off another jerking jerk logged on. Money! Keep
'em coming back for more and keep the money flowing. That's all.

The thing you probably want to know is how far he went with this girl. Did they ever meet and if so what went on. Remember, she wants money. Not love. Not passion. Not romance. Money. Gifts maybe, but she has to make a living and what better way to secure your income by converting your one-time customer to a regular. Which means a regular revenue stream. Money.

I'd be devastated if I was in your position. I looked for evidence of webcam activity and chat on my husband's computer but I found none. I don't rule it out. The thing I discovered unexpectedly was his interest in going to strip bars. I don't believe he has been entirely truthful about it, but there is no evidence and I can only rely on his (no doubt) edited version of his own "truth". I live with the fear of a discovery/disclosure that will devastate me. Once someone has lied, the "truth" is never the same again.
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

stillme

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #3 on: October 11, 2016, 06:39:11 PM »
Emerald Blue,
Great ideas. I definitely pieced together his visit and I don't see how it was possible for them to have met. She is a cam girl and my thoughts are honestly that my dope of a husband got reeled in by a salesperson. She saw him as a good 'mark' because he was dumb enough to pay for her videos and pay for pictures to be texted to her, etc. But, I don't think she was interested in going to real world prostitution. It isn't that I don't think he would have went for it, but I think that is a pretty big line to cross for a webcam girl to go over to prostitution.

He has disclosed, and I checked and verified, that webcam girls ask for gifts so that the guys viewing get special attention. Apparently 5 or more guys can be in a room and if you are the 'special' guy she will do whatever you request while the others watch. I have no idea how much he paid to have private rooms so that he could have his webcam on while they masturbated at the same time. Due to his ED issues, I am not sure he had the heart to even attempt something in person.

But, I am not at all done with investigating and I definitely don't discount the idea of trying to lure her in to get the truth of just how far things went with them.  He will admit to believing he was becoming the 'special guy' to two of the girls, that in his mind they were doing things just for him. Of course, I brought him down to reality by letting him know if they asked for pay - he wasn't 'special' in any way shape or form, just stupid enough to pay for porn other men get for free.

He is finally coming to terms with the fact that I will find out and is starting to tell more, including admitting to 'omissions'. He also recognizes trust is gone and it won't be coming back. He said he still wants to win my heart and that even if I never trust him again he is committed to treating me the way I deserve to be treated and making up for all the years of hell he put me through. Me, I an focusing on myself. I did my wifely duty in helping him break his addiction to porn. It is broken, so now I am focused on me. He can prove he is a real man that is committed by focusing on me as well. No more trying to build a marriage, I am just trying to build myself up and having the life I deserved all those years ago.

I told him today - do you realize how many years I spent being miserable? I thought I was crazy thinking something was 'off' and he denied it for years. I knew in my heart things were wrong and when d-day finally came, I was devastated, yet vindicated. Well, he got all the years of self sacrifice from me he is going to get. Too bad he wasted my commitment, my love, my patience, my respect, my dedication, and my trust on porn. He could have been having a great life in reality. I am very attractive - I have to turn me down regularly. I bring home good money, I take damn good care of the kids, and I was a wife that would stand by my husband's side through thick and thin. We didn't have sex for years or sometimes once or twice a year - I never once cheated or even thought about cheating, even though there was nothing wrong with my body, my desire, or my sex drive. He threw all that away for porn. I would have done anything for that man and even when he was at his lowest and thought about suicide because he was so embarrassed about the porn - I never once left his side. I held his hand and comforted him through it all. What a waste! He could have had that love, that support, the commitment for something meaningful and he used it all for porn. Now I am older and wiser and realize that since he spent years and years focusing on getting his own needs met, I will be taking years getting my needs met. I will be rebuilding the self esteem he broke, I will be remembering the creative, ambitious, beautiful, charming woman that was there before porn discovery made me doubt my self worth has his ED made me feel ugly and useless. Now I mend my wounds and he can climb on board or not.

All he keeps saying is, "I can't believe I threw it all away, I had everything with you and I threw it all away." Yes buddy, you did. You threw it all away. What we rebuild won't be the same. I will never, ever trust him the way I did before. I will never look at him and admire him the way I did before. His arms wrapped around me will never make me feel safe the way they did before. I feel like for the rest of our marriage I will be sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the relapse, waiting for him to fuck up yet again. I adored him, I admired him, I wanted more than anything to make him happy and he threw it all away. Any chance we had of recapturing the wonder of our initial love is gone, mainly due to his omissions. Every time I caught him in yet another lie it changed the way that I saw him. Now, I am staying mainly for the kids and the fact that I can do more to focus on myself by having him as a partner in raising the kids and paying the bills. I wouldn't have the time or resources to pursue my passions if I had to run the household alone. It is crazy, because I was such dedicated wife and now - nope. I will have sex only when I want sex. I will hang out with him only when I want to. I would have tried to walk on water for him before all of this. Now, not so much.

Emerald Blue

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2016, 06:08:57 AM »
Of course he's the "special" guy only because he's a source of income. How can these dumb fucks think otherwise? Lol! What these guys don't get, and I read this in a memoir of a prostituted woman, is that the "nice guy" is encouraged to become a regular simply because he will be a regular source of income and a safe bet that he won't turn violent — which of course is a very real fear. It's never a case of "liking" the guy at all. She has to feed him the lines he wants to hear to get the repeat business. Now, I'm not saying for one moment that the webcam girls cross the line into prostitution but it's the same way of doing business. Convert the punter to a regular and do/say what you must to repeat the sale.

Still, it must be so upsetting to find out your husband is one of those fools who buy into all that crap. They can be quite delusional. I never realised I was married to a guy who took himself off to strip bars. I was pretty shocked to realise that he'd go to a particular area on legitimate business but he would also go and watch strippers and then come home to me. He must have thought I was so fucking stupid. The only reason he could get away with it was because I trusted him. I believed we had such a good sex life at that time, that I had this great body, I had passion and desire, and I believed we loved each other to the ends of the earth. So why the fuck was he sneaking off to some seedy bar where men leer obscenely at some poor woman denigrating herself for their coins? I felt totally made a fool of. I really understand the meaning of "being made a fool" now.

Of course he regrets it all now, but looking back I don't believe he would not have done anything any differently. He may have sworn off porn but I see it as a disease that's gone into remission but will never be cured. I can't build my life around keeping him off porn. That's his responsibility. Like you, it's time for my recovery and growth from all those lonely years when I believed I was not up to his standard. Why was I thinking like that?!! Never again.
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

stillme

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2016, 08:28:14 AM »
Yup, my husband is just now realizing just how big of a fool he got played for during all of this. To let himself develop feeling for someone that only saw him as a credit card making fifty cent deposits for every peep show. I sure they spotted him as a good mark from very far away. Very gullible but also very safe. They told him what he wanted to hear when he was trying to escape reality and he was trying to avoid doing the things that grown-ups have to do - like raise children and self sacrifice.

My husband definitely regrets his turning to porn, but I think a lot of that regret comes from it costing him - big time. I decided that I am not coming cheap.  He forked out $20 - $40 a month for a couple years, plus a gift. Whelp, time to pay up.  I will be treated better than he was willing to treat an internet prostitute. No more cheap anniversary or birthday gifts, no more 'just okay' dates, and vacations need to special - no more going budget. If you can spend household money on porn girls outside the home, you can spend on your wife. Then comes the time. He wanted to spend hours and hours and hours in front of the computer for five freaking years. Time to pay the piper, otherwise known as the pissed off wife. He must show he is willing to spend the time he dedicated to porn and giving that extent of time to me. Some we spend together, other time he has to be available to parent the children so that I can go do things for myself. He was free for five years to jack off in front of the computer because I took the burden of parenting on myself. Had I put my foot down and made him be an equal partner, he wouldn't have had the time to 'explore'. I was working just as hard as he was, but trying to be a 'good wife/supportive wife' I let him have his evenings as often as I could, having no idea he was spending those evenings with cam girls. So now, I get time - as much as I need. Also, the extent to which he kept secrets is the extent to which is is expected to disclose truth and be honest and transparent. Don't want to pay the cost - then move on.

I decided I will not be sloppy seconds or the conciliation prize in my own marriage. I will not feel like some porn stars got the best of what my husband had to offer. You say you want to stay and do whatever it takes to make this work - now is the time to prove it. I was played the fool for too long and made to look way too stupid as I blindly was the good wife while he got to 'escape reality'. Nope, nope, and nope again. We saw he could be selfish, now he figures out if he can be selfless.

I know I am being tough and driving an extremely hard bargain, but I will not go through this mess again as a married woman. His porn addiction nearly crushed me. I have never felt so low in my life. I did my wifely duties, I supported him fully and completely through his recovery. Now it is his turn to step up. He will build back trust by showing he is willing to put much more into this marriage than he put into porn. If he isn't willing, no use in words without action.

Emerald Blue

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2016, 11:21:54 AM »
Well said, stillme.

I read some post in one of the men's sections that we women are supposed to be dumb and stupid for seeing our partner's porn habit as a betrayal, the old "it's not personal" excuse, and that we should basically stop feeling sorry for ourselves and support our men through their porn addiction and he sympathetic towards their plight. I am recounting this from memory but my reaction to this was "you f*****g clueless a**h***!" Like this guy hadn't even considered all the time, energy and resources taken out of the relationship and invested in some pointless escapist fantasy shit. Meanwhile real life for us goes on.

It's time these guys step up to the plate and take responsibility not only for their actions but also the consequences of their actions. This guy also blamed "feminism" for putting these ideas in *our* heads. What? Like, how dare we have opinions? And how dare we express our opinions? And how dare we have feelings about having all this faked up shit intruding on our relationships? Yeah I know we're all going to have differing views and experiences, different backgrounds and beliefs, and that's fine, but the fact that all partners here have such similar accounts of how it impacts on us and our relationships, it's pretty much a given that any recovering porn addict has to take his share of repairing the relationship and putting right the damage. We're not the ones who have been brainwashed! We aren't the ones running to the masturbating like some robot lemming in front of a screen! That's brainwashing all right.

We all understand the process of addiction, and in that sense I get that it's "not personal" but in a long term relationship porn addiction will inevitably create problems with that relationship. It's going to create barriers to communication, it's going to have an impact on sex and intimacy although the effects will be subtle at first, but will inevitably progress. There is deception and an abuse of trust. These things rot away slowly st the foundation of any relationship. It's not simply a case of abstinence and sympathy from the OH.

You know what you want and you have laid your terms and conditions on the line. That's what we all failed to do all along in the cold light of day. We were too naive, too trusting and we never really felt we had the need to say what we did and didn't want because we thought we'd never need to. How wrong we were. I'm getting there too. It feels long overdue. I should have been more assertive all along. I should have taken a stronger stance against this porn shit. It really hurts me to think I had to reach a point of misery and despair for him to wise up. Even though porn was making him miserable he was watching that shit right up until d day. So even though he was unhappy, he was on that lemming treadmill. How fucked up is that? If I hadn't broken down completely he'd have been going back to it like a good little robot, as regular as clockwork. I'm angry that I had to pay the price of his "harmless fun", his cheap selfish orgasms, with my emotional health.

This drip feed disclosure must be hell. I've been through that and although I feel I know all I'm ever going to know, it's never really over. The threat of discovering that there's more never goes away. All we can do is protect our own wellbeing by knowing our values and drawing our boundaries. You are doing that, it's coming over loud and clear. Fair play to you, stillme. You're getting stronger by the day.
« Last Edit: October 12, 2016, 11:28:10 AM by Emerald Blue »
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

Kimba

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2016, 07:46:50 PM »
Ha Ha Yeah the ol its not personal excuse... The second time I discovered his porn use, he goes, oh why did you have to check the history, it was the Playstation 3.  Like I should be happy with our half arsed relationship where I was asking him what was wrong with me, why was he distant etc etc... Yeah well I found out alright ha ha, as far as full disclosure, I am still snooping now, I am finding it hard to focus and Im seriously thinking of sending the computer i have at home to the Comp Guys and get them to tell me what they can find on there...  Or am I just torturing myself, the problem is, he's like I don't remember and I never talked to Cam girls, I would never do that, my response is how can I believe that when you have never been honest about it all anyway, I did find cookies of a x rated girl cam site on the iPad, but next time I checked it was gone, I asked him and he said Nup don't know, wasn't him...  Does my head in  ::)  Even when I had the evidence he still denied it, WOW!!  Plus now I have found a proxy server in my preferences for the internet so Im not sure what is going on there, I am going to check into it further, the problem is he will deny deny deny, I just don't get why he can't let go of that shit, Oh well on it goes, I had hoped he was ready but I am not so sure yet, looks like more work to do...  Anyway just another day in the life of the -  In denial Porn Addicts Partner...
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stillme

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #8 on: October 13, 2016, 07:14:26 AM »
And the trickle down disclosures just landed a bombshell. Still trying to figure out how to process all of it. Don't even have words right now.

Emerald Blue

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #9 on: October 13, 2016, 07:24:53 AM »
Kimba, a proxy server can be used to get round any blocks that you might use to prevent access to porn or any other blocked sites/categories. If you have activated some sort of "parental controls" option that your internet provider offers for example, all someone has to do to access the blocked sites is to use a proxy server online. There are lots of these proxy servers that you can access online, including streaming video proxies, so if they can't get their porn fix one way they'll get it another way if they're determined to do it. My partner used proxy servers when the internet provided switched on parental controls as the default setting so that if people wanted to access "adult"
sites then they had to set their account settings to do so. But my partner got round that one very quickly by using free online proxy services.

My advice to you is that if you sneak a peek at his history, anything you're not sure of, just take a pic with your phone or camera. That way you will have a record before he deletes any evidence. One word of warning – when my partner knew I was on his case he became very thorough about covering his tracks. He made it nigh on impossible for me to find anything. Even when I had long given up looking he was still extremely diligent and had his browser set up so that as soon as he closed the browser app all the history would be deleted automatically, no history, no cookies, nothing. Plus he would run all these cleanup apps to be double sure. Ultimately monitoring is a mugs game because the problem lies with the one who seeks out the porn and they believe if we don't know - or have no evidence – they can keep doing it. It's about quitting, it's not about pretending it's not happening. That's why my partner's PA went on for too long. He was a victim of his own success in hiding it so well.
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

Emerald Blue

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #10 on: October 13, 2016, 07:25:52 AM »
And the trickle down disclosures just landed a bombshell. Still trying to figure out how to process all of it. Don't even have words right now.

Oh, stillme. Hugs to you right now. xo
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

stillme

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #11 on: October 13, 2016, 09:46:54 AM »
And the trickle down disclosures just landed a bombshell. Still trying to figure out how to process all of it. Don't even have words right now.

Oh, stillme. Hugs to you right now. xo

Thanks so much. Yeah, it is pretty bad. We talked about how devastating trickle down disclosures were and that they require that I relive d-day all over again - with the same emotions and devastation. So, if there was anymore to tell - he needed to come clean because if I found out one more thing on my own I was filing for divorce. It still took 'creative questioning' but he finally told what he swears is the 'last' of information not disclosed. And, it is really bad. So bad that I admit the only reason I am hesitant in leaving right now is how much it would disrupt the children. I feel like I am in the depths of hell at this point. If we didn't have kids at the ages they are now - it wouldn't take me 30 seconds to be gone. While right now I am staying only for the children, I let him know he has about 30 minutes to spill everything (it can't get much worse). So he better search every corner of his mind for anything he might have 'forgot'. Because, if I find one more thing I am going scorched earth.

I honestly don't have a clue who this man really is. Just - wow!

aquarius25

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #12 on: October 13, 2016, 10:03:06 AM »
Stillme,
I am so very sorry for the hurt you are experiencing right now. P can bring out amazingly new lows in a person. Some of the things my husband was watching were horrific. He even said he could never see it in real life must less ever participate. He didn't even know why he was watching them. If course he does take responsibility and stay he click on it and he is the one who chose to watch it. It is so hard to see the person who you thought was one thing and then it feels like over night become a complete stranger and borderline monster. Just remember that person you fell in love with is still in there too. You have to decided weather its worth the work and effort to pull them out. It is the hardest thing I have ever done (and am still doing) in my life! For me I have to step back and look at the whole picture of who he has been to me since I first met him. When I thought about that I realized he is worth it to me. There have been days when I questioned that choice and I am sure those will come again. I just take each day as it comes. Also talking P and the behinds the scenes and having him realize and take ownership of the industry that he has participated in made a big difference in his recovery. Reminding him of my own horrifying experiences with being in a P when I was a teen and talking about the sex trade and thing made him realize just how bad this is. Seeing the destruction not just in me but realizing that he is supporting all of this ugliness just by watching this stuff really was a huge turning point for him. 

Sorry this is so long and wordy. I just want to tell you that you are loved. I am sorry for your hurt. And it can get better no matter what you choose to do. Even when it doesn't feel like it there is always hope.

hoopvol

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #13 on: October 13, 2016, 10:19:06 AM »
Hi Stillme,

I've been away from RN for some time, because I needed a break, but I have been reading your posts lately. I just want to tell you how sorry I am to read this... You don't deserve this!!
Lots of love and strength!!!

stillme

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #14 on: October 13, 2016, 10:36:33 AM »
"Hand job" at massage parlor two months before I found everything. Happened out of town (thankfully I won't have to look over my shoulder while grocery shopping). Says he came across videos of guys doing it and decided to try. Basically, his behavior was escalating rapidly and who knows how far it would have gone if the shit didn't hit the fan. It is bad enough when men watch porn. Bad enough he was watching webcam girls. Bad enough he participated online with webcam girls. But - when 'virtual reality' becomes reality. I am in too much shock to think straight right now. I don't even want to ask how much he paid, but I am going to ask because he better have that amount times one hundred in my account within 24 hours. No way was he getting sex from me for free but was willing to pay some stranger to yank on his penis while I was home alone parenting, working, cooking, cleaning, and otherwise being an adult. I don't care if he has to sell a kidney. I started a personal bank account (our money had NEVER been separated during our marriage) after disclosure, because I wanted some protection in case I needed to take a break and leave. I wasn't even putting all of my money into my own account, just small amounts. In my silly little mind I was going to look back on that account a year from now and be using that money to book us a nice little getaway for our anniversary. That is the hope that I had in saving this marriage. But - this man paid a woman to jack him off in REAL LIFE!

I feel so dirty, so disgusting, so humiliated. Still don't know if this is the final, final disclosure or if there is more. But, he knows he better come clean because I will probably be hiring a private investigator and paying a hacker to retrieve ALL files and go into all 'deleted' accounts. So, if he doesn't tell it willingly I will be finding it. Because if this asshole slept with someone and made me vulnerable to a disease it might be the last of him!

Emerald Blue

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #15 on: October 13, 2016, 10:43:05 AM »
Stillme, big hugs for you. xo
I can really feel that distress coming through. Of course you have to put the kids interests ahead of any emotional storm and try and hold it together without upsetting their young lives too. What an awful situation. I know that porn addiction can mask all sorts of hidden issues. I know I have not had full disclosure but my husband is so damn smart and manipulative with his words. He will never tell me what really went on during those years he was addicted to porn and avoiding — yes, avoiding — sex. Or avoiding sex with me I should say. He disclosed practically nothing but he denied some things I asked him about and then I uncovered evidence which proved he was lying. So really, he only admitted to what could be not lie about. And I hate that he did that.

But enough of me, you need a sympathetic ear and lots of TLC. I know this is only an online community but we're here for you. Please use the messaging system if you feel better doing that. Whatever you're going through, remember you're not alone. No woman wants to find themselves in a marriage with a lying, conniving traitor who says 'I love you' just to keep you off his case. 

His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

stillme

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #16 on: October 13, 2016, 10:54:27 AM »
Stillme, big hugs for you. xo
I can really feel that distress coming through. Of course you have to put the kids interests ahead of any emotional storm and try and hold it together without upsetting their young lives too. What an awful situation. I know that porn addiction can mask all sorts of hidden issues. I know I have not had full disclosure but my husband is so damn smart and manipulative with his words. He will never tell me what really went on during those years he was addicted to porn and avoiding — yes, avoiding — sex. Or avoiding sex with me I should say. He disclosed practically nothing but he denied some things I asked him about and then I uncovered evidence which proved he was lying. So really, he only admitted to what could be not lie about. And I hate that he did that.

But enough of me, you need a sympathetic ear and lots of TLC. I know this is only an online community but we're here for you. Please use the messaging system if you feel better doing that. Whatever you're going through, remember you're not alone. No woman wants to find themselves in a marriage with a lying, conniving traitor who says 'I love you' just to keep you off his case.

I may take you up on sending a PM. Because, right now I am ready to scream!

Emerald Blue

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #17 on: October 13, 2016, 11:05:47 AM »
Oh, stillme. Just read your reply. How fucking awful.

This isn't "just porn", it's hiring the services of a prostitute. Massage parlor = brothel. Sorry, but that's what a massage parlor is. Whorehouse, brothel, call it what you will. He paid for sexual services. No ifs, no buts. Call them masseuse, but these are prostitutes, no point in using these euphemisms like masseuse or escort or some such shit.

I suggest that you get yourself tested if you haven't done so already. You can't trust any man's sexual history, even your own husband. I was tested and I haven't told him. He'd only act all hurt and insulted probably. We've been the faithful wives. We have nothing to hide or be ashamed of.

We're here for you, stillme. Rage all you like. I'd be devastated like you. I'd be sickened. I know that feeling of wanting to scrub him from your body. I know what it's like to feel contaminated by a confidence trickster. Stay strong. We're here for you. xo
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

Loleekins

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #18 on: October 13, 2016, 11:56:12 AM »
Ditto on the get tested sentiment. Please. :( Your kiddos need a healthy mom.

At a year and eight months out disclosures still happen. Even after repeatedly swearing time and again everything was on the table. It never was. Probably never will be. The kind of man that so consistently puts himself before all others rarely experiences change in that department. Not in my lifelong experience anyway.

I got tested for literally everything. It's not worth risking the word of a multi-time proven liar. His concern was always covering his own ass. My concern upon realizing that became strictly myself and the baby (I have an 18 month old).

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It's gut wrenching soul shredding horrible.

My thoughts are with you, sending you strength.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities --- Voltaire

stillme

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #19 on: October 13, 2016, 12:24:58 PM »
Yup, have to go get tested. Hand job and oral. Asked how much he paid and told him I need that times one hundred in my bank account in 24 hours. Don't care how he gets it - cash in 401k, sell his car, whatever - I don't care. I will not be lower than a prostitute. Since he likes to pay for interaction, I want to be paid for every "hi", every "good morning", every time he wants any interaction with me it will cost him. He doesn't like it, he can file for divorce.

That asshole decided to give me a cheap anniversary gift when he was paying strangers? Whelp, entering a new phase right now. He wasn't married for love, so I won't be either. I can hold it together around the kids, give them the childhood they deserve. I am just dumbfounded. Never, ever, ever in a million years would I have thought this man would have been with a prostitute. He presents himself as the kindest, most gentle, most loving, most caring person. I am sitting here scared shitless that this man had the ability to play it so cool. How the hell do you get serviced by a prostitute then come home and lay in the bed with your wife? How do you walk around knowing what you have done for months and never utter a fucking word? I must be married to a freaking narcissist!

This man let me carry on like a fool knowing watching porn wasn't nearly the worst thing he had done.

Can't believe I have to get fucking tested!!!!!!!!!!

cuppatea

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #20 on: October 13, 2016, 02:42:00 PM »
Hugs Stillme, that's a lot to deal with.
I have been reading a book called "Sex Addiction:The partners perspective: A comprehensive guide to understand and surviving sex addiction for partners and those who want to support them."
It's by Paula Hall. She has some ted talks, and I think I watched some stuff on youtube of hers as well.

Anyway the book starts by explaining what sex addiction is and then it gets into how to deal with finding out you are the partner of one, dealing with the initial emotional rollercoaster of discovery and the triggers etc. There is a section on whether or not you should leave the relationship too. I've found it very useful.

Kimba

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #21 on: October 13, 2016, 05:06:41 PM »
Thats far from right Stillme, sorry to hear.  Not sure how you can recover from that type of betrayal, they just don't get it do they... You try and focus on what is healthy and good for you and maybe that will help give you answers, women tend to worry about everyone and everything else and then get called control freaks whereas not sure who else makes sure there is food in the house, birthdays sorted, bills paid etc etc, Stillme its time for you...
Three things that cannot be long hidden
The Sun
The Moon
The Truth

Kimba

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #22 on: October 13, 2016, 05:19:52 PM »
Oh and Emerald I am vigilant, I have all sorts of things in place but he is trying his hardest to get around it I'm sure... I have a couple of things up my sleeve as yet, wont say on here as he may read this who knows, I think he doesn't, as he doesn't think he has a problem but just the whole ExpressVPN and proxy servers, plus I found cookies to hipforums.com, so he's getting desperate now ha ha... I have K9 on the computers and set restrictions on his iPhone but he keeps finding new sites to check, anyway at the end of the day he will be the one that looses, if he continues he will loose it all, not just the material stuff but someone that had his back and would of done anything for him but there is only so much I can and will take, I already feel differently about him, angry and feel like punching him in the face... but Im all nicey nice and just take it a day at a time, cheers everyone, its friday here in the land of Aus...Weekend is a coming Yay...
Three things that cannot be long hidden
The Sun
The Moon
The Truth

Emerald Blue

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #23 on: October 13, 2016, 06:34:32 PM »
Another vote for Paula Hall's book. It's been my go-to resource as I've tried to get my head around my own situation. She puts porn addiction on the wider spectrum of sex addiction. Internet porn can act as the gateway drug for other behaviors like webcam sex, hookup apps and 'paid for' sex because it's all just a click away. The internet makes it easy for 'Mr Nice Guy', he doesn't need to go cruising a red light district any more. Hiring a hooker is now as easy as ordering pizza.

As far as you're concerned, all bets are off with him now. You should quite rightly be able to go through every atom of data on his computers, phones, iPad, external drives, USB drives, camera memory cards, phone memory cards, old phones, anything and everything that stores data. It's not 'snooping'. He has had his chance and he chose to lie. He chose to pay a prostitute to tug away on his dick, give her cash so he could shove his dick in her mouth, and then come home to you and say 'I love you' and let you believe that he's the faithful husband. Well, he gave up his right to privacy when he pissed all over your wedding vows. Go ahead and do what you must. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is off limits now that you know what you know. Paying for sexual services is crossing the threshold into another domain. The underworld of prostitution. So do what you must. All you ever wanted was the truth.

At this stage, does it matter so much about the EXTENT of the habit, knowing that he's admitted to paying for the 'entry level' sex acts. If I was in your situation, I don't think it would matter if it was "just" a hand job or whether it was penetrative sex. It wouldn't matter if it took place in a massage parlor, a hotel room or in his car. It wouldn't matter if he paid 10 Euro or 200 Euro. It wouldn't matter if it was a street prostitute or an 'escort'. Whatever the gift wrap he might invent to make it sound less sordid, it's still paying for sex with a prostitute. That's my attitude anyway. But if I was ever to find out my husband had done what your husband did I would have to seriously rethink my future with him. I've actually been reading about prostitution and it's nothing more than renting the right for a man to force sex on an unwilling woman. The only thing that makes her do it is the money. She wouldn't have sex with any of those johns if there was no money in it for her. Prostitution survivors tell a very different tale from this pornified happy hooker fantasy shit. That's why they end up damaged or dead before their time. It's the most selfish, self serving, egotistical thing for a man to do. Renting a human orifice to ejaculate into.
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

stillme

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Re: Trickle down disclosures
« Reply #24 on: October 13, 2016, 08:05:30 PM »
Thanks for the book suggestion, I will definitely get it.

Yes, paying for sex with a real person most definitely crossed a line that we cannot come back from. This relationship is not salvable at this point. I am not going through the divorce process now just because I don't want to uproot the kids, but I am no longer even attempting to rebuild this marriage. It is gone. I will be hiring a hacker only because I feel entitled to know just how much danger he put me in. Having the embarrassment of going for STD testing is bad enough, I at least want to be able to answer the questions as thoroughly as possible.

I am still in shock right now. Never in a million years would I have thought this man could stoop so low. Definitely a stranger, I had no idea I could live with a man that could carry on a double life so efficiently. Of course I had suspicions, but this is far worse than I ever imagined. Honestly, I wished he would have had a real affair. Paying a prostitute for sex when you had a willing wife at home? I don't know if it is even possible for me to feel much lower than that.

I don't even know where to begin to start picking up the pieces. Never thought I would look back on d-day and wish that was the worst of it. But, it all makes sense now. He little guilt trip of not knowing if he could really make me happy was him knowing that there was a LOT I didn't know.

I have to admit, the hardest part is having to walk this road alone. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about his porn habit, no way could I survive telling anyone I know that I lost my husband to porn and prostitutes. Thirteen years and all for nothing. The only thing to show for all of that is the kids. This is honestly the worst thing I have ever had to face. I can't believe that just seven months ago I would have fought anyone who accused my husband of such nonsense. I would have described him as the kindest, sweetest, most gentle man in the world. I feel very heartbroken right now.