Author Topic: How to ensure my sanity and make sure my partner is honest and open with me?  (Read 3160 times)

Sopie123

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Hello again everybody. So yesterday we talked more about the issue. I want someone who's been through this to help me with my understanding. I spoke to my boyfriend about traumatic experiences as a child that I had related to porn/sexuality. I asked him questions about him and his sexuality. He said he has slipped up 3 times with porn and he's sorry he lied that he's trying to fight urges he has. At first when I spoke to him he felt uncomfortable. I said "It's not like when you watch porn you're imagining sleeping with different women," and he got uncomfortable and said "It's not like how you're imagining it, but no I'm not." The next day when we both felt better we continued to discuss it. From what I understood it's hard for him to get urges out of his head and he can't just imagine things without looking, and that he doesn't think about being with other people.

But it's weird cuz he said that porn/masturbating feel good sometimes, but he swore up and down he doesn't masturbate to porn, and promised that. So I asked him and he got uncomfortable again but said he doesn't like masturbating and just meant that he was comparing porn and masturbating in that both are habits that can be hard to break. But as far as I know he doesn't masturbate, he has always admitted to porn but not masturbating. He said he saves himself for me and that as a Christian he tries to combat things.

Some solutions we're trying are that we're going to take more pictures of me and videos of us, and he said that should help a lot. This time he swears he won't. I'm just concerned cuz he promised that before and slipped up three times. He said within one year three times isn't too bad and that he's trying. He's also going to try to find other activities when he's bored like the gym or playing a game. He's also insistent that if he slips up or is bored he will tell me. I'm trying to trust him and didn't lie to him, it's hard. When I make mistakes I automatically tell him, so it's going to be a long road but I want to give him one more chance.
Partner of a recovering addict. He's 10 days clean as of 11/14/16.

Sopie123

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I think what hurt me the most is that he knows I hate it and how it makes me feel, and he says he agrees with everything I say. He says he knows it's wrong and bad, but that he slipped up a few times and shouldn't have to take a long time to rebuild my trust. He says he's sorry he hurt me. But he knew it would hurt me. He says that he doesn't think about it all the time, he says 3 times in a year isn't bad, but if he slips up each time he thinks about it clearly there's a problem. He just says "I won't watch it anymore and you can believe me if you want to or not, but I won't. I love you and screwed up."
Partner of a recovering addict. He's 10 days clean as of 11/14/16.

Sopie123

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Also he says that I've fulfilled all his fantasies, have done every position and thing he's wanted to do and that he's happy. He said if he has a thought about a scene in porn it's hard to shake it from his mind so he watches a few videos and forgets about it. But he says my suggestion of filming us should help and he won't need to look at porn if he has those. But I'm scared those won't be enough :(
Partner of a recovering addict. He's 10 days clean as of 11/14/16.

Gracie

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Filming yourself and him will not solve a porn problem.  It seems logical just like buying sexy lingerie, doing things he wants for sex, having more sex.  They do not work.  When someone is an addict they have to want to change.  We cannot make them change. 

All of us here have tried a lot of different things and they don't work.  Keep in mind that we all feel shitty when we find out.  Has he seen YBOP or anything else that can show him what the problem is?

Sopie123

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He says he agrees it's bad and wrong, but it's hard for him. He says that it's not as bad as cheating and I don't think it is the same as physically cheating but it feels the same for me. He says that me dancing with other guys or sexting are different than looking at porn. It hurts and he pretty much says he'll stop but doesn't think it's cheating.
Partner of a recovering addict. He's 10 days clean as of 11/14/16.

Gracie

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When my husband and I had the cheating talk in reference to porn, there was some discussion.  I asked if the woman was naked.  Yes.  Did he have his penis out.  Yes.  Was he touching himself and thinking about her.  Yes.  Then it is cheating.   The person on the screen was in his brain in a place I thought was reserved only for me. 

That was our discussion and totally is just my opinion.  Others, men and women alike do not share that view.  But for me and my husband that is what we decided was true.  This was what devastated me the most.  Many say they weren't touching.  But, they were touching themselves.   

This does take time.  We are 5 years past D day.  I still have moments  from time to time.  Stay here and keep writing.  We all help each other through this!

Sopie123

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Gracie, he does not masturbate to the porn and he explained to me in an honest discussion that it was boredom and curiosity that caused him to slip up. He had three weak moments but did not masturbate at all. He said if he masturbated he would've slipped up more. He prefers to save himself for me and we did try the filming us thing and he likes it a lot, he says that it will be perfect for moments when he's bored. And he assures me he will tell me when he slips up again, but tells me that he believes he won't anymore because he sees how it upset me and was just scared to tell me cuz he thought I'd leave him. But he agrees with me that porn is wrong and bad, but that he has thoughts of stuff he's seen sometimes and wants to see it. I'm hoping that we will work together and fix it together. He's not perfect but he's pretty close to it. :-)
Partner of a recovering addict. He's 10 days clean as of 11/14/16.

Sopie123

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Also he said even though he was frustrated I looked at his phone that I am free to do so in the future because he did promise I could if I felt it necessary. But I'm gonna work on it so I don't do it. He was more so mad I looked at it because I told him I didn't have to cuz I trusted him, but we're both working on loving and trusting one another and praying to God when we have issues and doubts.
Partner of a recovering addict. He's 10 days clean as of 11/14/16.

Walt

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You may find some value in this thread: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=10919.msg112608#new
It might not be worthwhile to try to convince him that it is the same thing as cheating, cheating is many different things to many different people, and can include visual, emotional, and physical components.

The important thing is that you believe what he is doing is wrong, and he knows that you do not approve. In my book, that is just as bad as cheating even if it isn't necessarily objectively the same thing.

You can't make excuses for him, I've used the same excuses myself but I would draw the line at bringing porn into a relationship and not being honest about it. 

Sopie123

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That was helpful Walter, thank you. :-)
We talked more tonight and while we may disagree on the cheating thing, he understands that it hurts me and he wants to make things right. Unlike a lot of porn addicts he does not masturbate to porn, and when he's slipped up he didn't masturbate. 3 times in a year shows me he's made progress, seeing how he would watch it about 2-4 times a month before I said something. I know it's about faith and love, and working together. I am not excusing his behavior and have reminded him daily how it makes me feel, and he's willing to be accountable to me. I am free to search his phone and ask him any time if he has slipped up, while he has to be honest. He knows not to omit things to spare my feelings now. It was him agreeing with me but still having urges. I told him I will work with him in his urges but he has to be open. If he lies again and does not tell me I may have to reconsider this relationship thought. Any tips to know if he's slipping up in the future? I can usually tell if he has because for a few days after he looks it may be harder for him to orgasm, but other than that I can't.
Partner of a recovering addict. He's 10 days clean as of 11/14/16.

Sopie123

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Also does it mean anything if he says that his taste in porn/sex is very basic and stuff we already do? He said he thinks of us having sex often. He said making videos of us should help him a lot, and that it just helps him visualize what's in his head. Also I think he's insecure cuz he looked up the world's largest penis, then proceeded to watch three or four videos of men with giant penises. He's making a genuine effort to try and our talks have been better, and I feel he can truly change if he wants to. :-)

He has a sense of shame about the issue. He's a Christian and says that it's wrong, bad, and that he controls himself as best he can. He has kind of a shamed attitude about sexuality because he says the porn he is into is stuff we do and that I've helped him do everything he's wanted to do. He also said some things are better left in the mind and I'm slowly getting him to talk about sexuality. He said it's a struggle because he knows masturbation and porn are bad but he beat masturbation but not porn. I think he's scared I'll leave him if he discusses his sexuality in full but I'm getting him to talk more.
« Last Edit: October 09, 2016, 08:54:56 AM by Sopie123 »
Partner of a recovering addict. He's 10 days clean as of 11/14/16.

Emerald Blue

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Sophie, I'm not convinced by making your own pics and videos as a sort of personalised porn substitute is going to work out in the long term. This idea has been tried and tested by partners of porn addicts in an effort to keep them away from porn but sooner or later it loses its appeal or its novelty factor and a porn addict is hooked on seeking out something new and different. That's why the world's supply of porn is infinite. It's up to you, but "competing" with porn rarely works for very long. The bottom line is that porn is boring, cliched and predictable, and that's what drives the seeking behavior that drives porn addiction.

Looking up pictures of giant penises? And somehow that makes him insecure? That sounds a bit like his head is in a very strange and unhealthy place.
« Last Edit: October 10, 2016, 03:24:38 AM by Emerald Blue »
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it