Reboot Journal

Day 0

Where do I start ? I've been using porn since I was around 11 years old and even though at that point I thought that maybe I was doing something that was affecting me, all I found on the internet said that it was normal and it was just part of growing up. So given this, I continued to satisfy my desires and it never became a problem until I became sexually active and got in a serious relationship. I had always thought that I was just going through a phase that would pass. I used to say to myself "It's alright, once you find somebody that you love and you want to be with, you will stop seeking porn, and will focus entirely on your partner". This was definitely not the case, being in a relationship didn't even slow down my porn addiction progression. It created many problems and conflicts, because my performance was being affected by it. Eventually it just lowered my desire to have intimacy with my partner.

It's been 16 years since I started watching porn and I am now a happily married man, to the woman of my dreams. She knows of my battles with porn which I struggle to overcome. She tries to understand, but honestly, I can tell that my PIED is creating a void between us that I can't stand anymore. I hate the fact that porn is making me not desire my wife and instead go to a computer and satisfy my desires there. It also affects my moods, and how I feel about the day and about myself. The way I keep track of my progress is through a calendar, in which a circle that day means good job and an x means falling back on old habits. It has been a good way to communicate to my wife what is going on, but it is not helping me progress on stoping porn addiction. This is why I decided to read Your brain on porn which my wife got for me, and also start a journal so that I can express how this makes me feel and hopefully the communication and mutual support with others that share my feelings will help me create a solid foundation to finally leave this addiction once and for all.

The ways that I battle porn addiction right now is by using a net shield, but I am always looking for ways around this. This is a big reason why I sold my gaming consoles because at one point I was using them to feed my porn addiction through the web browser. I don't feel that my desires in porn are changing, but I do think that I am creating this false image in my brain about how a woman should look, or how big their breasts should be etc. which is what is affecting my desire to my wife. Even though, writing this makes me realize how deep in the rabbit hole I'm at, I am very excited to begin this journal and create a support group.

Hey buddy, I feel you. I have been married for three years and been there done that, doing that, for sure. To be clear, it's awesome to have your wife onboard for sure man. I haven't been 'addicted' that long but long enough for it be noticeable in my relationship and professional life. Ive been using porn for about 10 years but honestly never even understood the ramifications of this shit until about a month ago... and let me tell you it really blew my mind. Being a guy who always thought that my 'ADD' and 'brain fog' was just something that always will be was actually because of an addition I had no idea I had. Honestly, I know doing porn was wrong to me personally, but never expected such large effects to grow from it.. or that I would actually become addicted. So with that, and like some many other men, we absolutely understand, and especially me being married like you. BUT, unlike you, I haven't told me wife.. or anyone close to me. I feel like now that I know about this, understand it pathologically and in principle, I have the tools and support I need to battle this cancer for what it is. ...that's my view of it.

Anyways, hey, props to u man for at least taking some action on this. We'll get through it.. just one day at a time right?   

Knowledge is power, I believe that having the knowledge on how porn affects your life and how it affects your brain is a step towards beating the addiction. One day at a time for sure, we will beat it! no pun intended, lol.

Day 1

Today has been an awesome day! I completed my first ever Tough Mudder and it felt great. There was a lot of camaraderie and motivation going on there. Sliding through mud and swimming in mud pools sounded crazy at first, but it was great to get out of my home and do some crazy obstacle course to take my mind off the frustrations that you deal with day to day with porn addiction. I ended up completing all the obstacles and finishing with the electro shock therapy (running through hanging wires that shock you so bad they make you drop). Anyways it was a really fun day where I was distracted from my porn addiction and I realize that routine is what creates the slumps where I see myself falling back into old habits and sucumbing to porn again. I will keep trying to maintain myself doing exercise and stay out of old habits that drive me down an old path well to known to me. 

Day 2

I decided that maybe writing every day about my porn addiction might be a little much. As I was looking through some of the journals written by others, I decided that is best to log the important days in my journal. Something like when I'm struggling and having bad thoughts so that I can better look back to those days to remind myself of why I am doing this. Having said that, even though I just started, for some reason I seem to be very irritable and snapping because of nothing. My wife has noticed it and it makes me feel uncomfortable because after everything happens I realize that it is not normal and that it is definitely my mood. I believe that it is a withdrawal effect from porn, because it is always in my head. Thoughts like checking on Facebook or going to google images and looking for a sexy girl with tight bikini. It is kind of embarrassing, because I feel controlled by this addiction that is nothing more than my body craving more dopamine and my brain providing that from the access to porn. The moments when I struggle the most is when my wife is not present. When I'm by myself is when I'm attacked by all these thoughts of "just one time" or "you can get out of it, whenever you want". I just need to tough it out and find more ways to let out my emotions. I have a pt test soon and I need to get ready for it so maybe it is not a bad idea to train everyday to channel out my emotions and also to pass time.

OK, so I've got about 20 years and, from the sound of running tough muder races, probably 50 pounds on you.  That being what it is, I also have a marriage coming up on 20 excellent years and that is the part I'll address here. 
When times get tough, and they will get tough, keep your Wife in the forefront of your thoughts.  Spend as much time with her as you can.  The little things like going grocery shopping together, being in the kitchen together, working out together all become both, a great relationship growth tool but also a subtle but important foreplay for things to come.  Make time to still go out on dates.  Plan the dates like you are still trying to get her attention.  Flatter the girl and enjoy the thrill of the chase.  Even if you are pretty sure how it will turn out.
Just my 0.02 worth but hopefully it will help.
R

R,

Thank you very much for your advice. You're right, I need to work on my marriage more, because this addiction eats at you from the inside out and makes me into more of a senseless person. Porn addiction takes away the emotion out of making love, and sets up these unrealistic standards that get brought into a relationship and set it up for failure. I will take your advice and work on it. Thank you.

Man!
Great tips in here, the post from R really hammered some nails in my head, anonymous poetry. I'm saving your post for later, R.

I had that void with my ex aswell. If I could have changed anything, it would be step out of my own ego more often.
It's so damn hard though, it's who we've been raised to be for the past lifetime.
The rabbit hole is deep, but we're the ones digging it. We may also be the ones in filling it up again.
Perspective is the key, anxiety over porn is just a feeling that can be redirected to love for a woman, it's all in our heads, in our egos.
The more willpower your past You have (if the past you is in a black hole of negativity), the harder the fight is going to be in the future (esp if you relapse). Do you understand what I mean? The porn feeds on negative willpower and shits out hate, greed, envy & jealousy etc.
You can't beat yourself up about it and start wars on negative bases, that's the porn turf and it will beat us on it's turf.
Beat it with positivity and do everything in your power to promote positivity in everything.
Because life sure is beautiful, it's also short, way too short to waste in fapping.
Embrace the love from your family, you're so lucky to have a wife that tries <3

Day 6

I had to do a reset today... Felt anxious for some reason all day and couldn't stop thinking about porn. I'm trying not to dwell on this fact and try to stay positive and keep fighting, but it is so frustrating to be chained to this addiction. Even worse is the fact of failing my wife which is my rock. I need to stop this, I will stop this. I reset the counter and I will make my 40 day goal. Here we go!!! Going to get tunnel vision and focus on the goal taking it one day at a time.

Keep up the good work.. your doing way better than me! Just quitting for almost a week made me feel like a whole new man. I could study SO MUCH BETTER and just small things were so much more enjoyable. Keep focused stay strong