Author Topic: what are we as SO's doing for ourselves?  (Read 1576 times)

aquarius25

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what are we as SO's doing for ourselves?
« on: October 06, 2016, 09:17:11 PM »
I thought I would start this discussion to help put some positive out there. One thing I am realizing for myself is that this PA stuff my hubby is going through has really hit my confidence and shaken my self esteem. Lately I have been realizing that I am the only one responsible for how I feel about myself. I am investing in myself. Taking art classes, entering a power-lifting competition, and trying to get back into some of the design ideas I had long ago. Its been really amazing! I have had some other things in my life come up that have been hard but honestly doing some of these things has helps me realize how much I have put myself aside. Life happens, husbands, kids, friends, and all the responsibilities. What are you doing for you? I have noticed I allow my husband in more and I communicate better when I am in a good place and this has been a big part of that.

So I thought I would put this out there maybe we can share ideas of what we are doing to invest in ourselves. Maybe it will inspire each other to try some new things?

stillme

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Re: what are we as SO's doing for ourselves?
« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2016, 04:46:26 AM »
Great topic!

I am doing quite a few things lately for myself as well. I joined a gym and go 3 - 4 times a week. I finally went to a chiropractor (found out the spinal issue I suspected was worse than I thought) and started a year long treatment program. Investing more in myself (getting my hair professionally done, refreshing my wardrobe). Starting to read more for pleasure and invest in friendships (had my first 'girls night out' with a friend - yes, it has literally been years since I went out with a friends).

I am also letting my husband win back my heart. Like you mentioned aquarius - letting him in more. His creativity, spark, and romance are coming back. We have had some really fun date nights - going out dancing, getting couples massages, etc. Having fun family weekend getaways. No place too far or too expensive, just breaking up the routine, making new memories, trying to start new fun traditions with the kids.

I am continuing to think about what kind of a life I want and working to make it happen for myself. I was surprised that I had spent little to no time over the past few years thinking about then doing things that would make me happy. I am getting happier with life because I am seeing that I have the power to create the life that I want.

aquarius25

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Re: what are we as SO's doing for ourselves?
« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2016, 11:27:03 AM »
Stillme, that is awesome! I have been thinking about what I want my life to be like too. Trying to work towards making that a reality. I basically told my hubby he can get on the bandwagon or not but this is the direction I and the kids are moving in, lol. Its not about if I stay or go anymore. I let that be his decision. I am figuring out what I need from this life, relationship and family. I look at our children and what they need and basically said shit or get off the pot! We are moving in a direction of healthy, happy, clear boundaries, self confidence, honoring others with integrity and respect, and enjoying life! I have told him he can either come with us on this journey or choose to sit in fear, self pity, and shame but that is his choice, no one can make it for him and the one who suffers the most is him.  Its all about where and how he chooses to put his attention, focus and priority. I am really glad  he has chosen to join us thus far! But if there comes a time that he chooses P and all that come with it over us then that is his choice. He can deal with the consequences of that choice and he can be the one to take responsibility for that choice. It is not me choosing to rip apart our family and I won't be the one to take the fall for it. Its his decision weather he wants joy or shame out of life. I am no longer going to allow that to ruin mine and have a negative effect on my children.

Emerald Blue

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Re: what are we as SO's doing for ourselves?
« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2016, 12:15:50 PM »
Such an interesting topic and actually it's an essential part of our healing to do things for ourselves and rebuild our own lives. I'm a visual artist and my creative projects went way out of kilter when the porn shit hit the proverbial. I guess I've been creatively blocked because of having to deal with the trauma. I'm slowly coming through it and making art again. I'm working on a project to do with the body, so there's a clue, lol. Other than getting back to making art, I have read a ton of books, lots of fiction – I need that escape into another imaginary world. Yes, I've been renewing my wardrobe too. I couldn't believe that I was wearing frumpy clothes to hide my body, but that's what I did when he was using porn and we were not having sex at all. I felt that if I drew attention to myself in any way I would only be ignored/rejected and so I'd just disguise myself. What an awful way to think! So all those clothes had to go.

I'm also learning a lot. I've learned a lot about the women's movement, not just in relation to porn but the sex trade in all its guises. I consider getting informed and exploring ideas an important part of my recovery because for many years I was prepared to compromise my own values for the sake of my relationship. I never wanted porn in my home or intruding on my marriage, but it did, and for many years I played along with the charade just so he could get his fix and I wouldn't rock the boat. How dumb is that? So being informed about porn has been an important part of my recovery. I mean from a woman's perspective and not all that "it's the dopamine, stupid!" guy stuff. At least I can say what my values are now. I could not stay with a man who had an active involvement with pornography, or anything to do with the sex trade as a paying consumer. So... lots of things really. 
« Last Edit: October 07, 2016, 12:28:41 PM by Emerald Blue »
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

aquarius25

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Re: what are we as SO's doing for ourselves?
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2016, 10:14:51 PM »
Yes new clothes are an absolute must! I am even pulling out my sewing machine and starting to make my own skirts and designing some new clothes. I am making a dress form and everything! I am so excited to get back to my creativity and it is going to be an opportunity to teach my daughter to sew as well!

Emerald Blue

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Re: what are we as SO's doing for ourselves?
« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2016, 07:26:30 PM »
Now your talking! I studied fashion at art college many years ago. I had all my old books out on draping directly on the dressform and I still have my old pattern blocks (or slopers as they are called some places). I still have my old tools, my hip curve tool, my big metal set square. Oh yeah! Loved it! And recently I was looking at getting some stretch fabric for some basic close fitting tops and skirts and using them as a base to drape lengths of fabric over, as a sort of contemporary evening wear. So then I figured, so easy to make my own basic block for stretch garments too.

It's really important in the recovery process to get back to who we were (and still are), what did we used to do, what did we love to do? It says a lot about who we are. Our identity. What makes us tick. We need to keep going back to that place at difficult times in our lives. Creativity has enormous power to heal.
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it