Author Topic: frustrated and could use some input  (Read 1820 times)

aquarius25

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frustrated and could use some input
« on: October 05, 2016, 03:31:55 PM »
Ok so my hubby has pied. Its been over 90 days for him and we have been trying to have sex here and there. I wish it was more often, lol. The frustration comes in because we will be kissing and things and he will start to get hard and then it seems about half or more of the time he will "go". Like this happen when I am all in the mood and really wanting something to happen and then he just blew his wad. Super frustrating. I would like to just wipe up a bit and keep playing around and he could maybe help me get there but instead he just sits in self pity and feel like crap. So far I have been nice but mentally I want to scream and call him pathetic. I am starting loose attraction for him at all as a result of this. Its bad. I just want to shake him and tell him to get over his stupid dick and finish me off! If the table were turned and some girl was constantly leaving a guy with blue-balls there would be outrage yet when he does basically the same thing I am supposed to just sit there and say nice things and tell him its ok?! WTF!!!! I wouldn't think any less of his if he went too early or not if he just made sure I was taken care of too. Instead I am starting to see him as this weak, pathetic excuse of a man. I know that sounds really mean but hey its how I feel. I would never tell him this but it kindof makes me miss the days he was taking viagra, lol. I know I am a horrible person for saying that, lol! I just don't care! I wanna get a decent O!!! Any ideas? Sorry for the bit of venting I'm just a bit sexually repressed, lol.

Emerald Blue

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Re: frustrated and could use some input
« Reply #1 on: October 05, 2016, 05:26:04 PM »
Oh no! Lol! He's gonna have to learn to hold fire! A gentleman has to learn it's "ladies first"!!!! Hahaha!!  8)

But seriously though, porn turns men into lousy lovers. I've heard that a few times and I experienced it myself with the DE and loss of E part way through and if anything could make me feel like shit, that was it.

In my experience of sex after porn addiction, it's a fragile process but it can be done. You both need to stick at it and keep it going. Sometimes it works perfectly and other times we become out of sync with each other. I gave up on the the expectation of orgasm. It started happening reliably every time and then I discovered the porn subs and it all fell apart again – not because of the materials but the angry way he reacted to me finding out. So, it stopped happening for me for a while.

Now, some people say there is no place for masturbation in a committed relationship and that may be true for a recovering porn addict, but we aren't porn addicts so it's not the slippery slope for female partners of male porn addicts in my opinion. As long as you don't use porn yourself it's fine. I don't use sex toys. Nature gave me everything I need, lol. Ideally I wouldn't masturbate and I'd rather save up my desire for sex with my partner. BUT!!! When the p sub thing blew up and orgasm stopped happening for me (emotional reasons obviously) I felt it was healthier to have solo sex and bring myself to orgasm that way and forget about orgasming with my partner. If anything being able to bring myself to orgasm told me my problems were emotional and I knew it wasn't likely to happen with these unsettled feelings I had about the p subs. Eventually I started becoming orgasmic with him again. It's really important to keep working at the "together" sex, and not depend on getting satisfaction from solo sex. Only do it if you feel you must.

Some women will say there is no reason for either partner to masturbate in a relationship. Porn addicts have very different associations with masturbation and fantasy, of course. Porn addiction charges everything for them as masturbation without porn can eventually lead them back there. For the female partner, it all depends on her own relationship with her own body. I have masturbated throughout my relationship and when I was having very little sex due to his unavailability (because he was getting off to porn) it was my only option. So if things aren't working in your favor and you're going stir crazy then go ahead and take pleasure. It's your body, after all.

We all have differing opinions on self-pleasure but we aren't the addicts in the relationship. We don't have the same pitfalls and risks. We still have a right to explore and enjoy our own bodies if we so choose.
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

stillme

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Re: frustrated and could use some input
« Reply #2 on: October 06, 2016, 05:00:50 AM »
What really works for us is that my husband will manually get me to orgasm first most times. This isn't an issue since women can orgasm multiple times and keep going. So, once I have my first orgasm, we have penetrative sex. This has been a good key for both of us and it creates an environment for him to be able to orgasm with ejaculation easier (his issue was DE - he was unable to ejaculate for YEARS and now does it almost every time we have sex).

Another thing we have done is body exploration. Basically one person explores the other person's body to find out their erotic zones, what they like and don't like, when, and how. This means if your husband can keep it up, he still knows the other ways he can please you. It is an ongoing and intimate process of discovery as you get to be open and honest about what you like, what feels good, etc. So, it isn't just about "process", but the ways in which that process feels the best for you. So, if he is exploring oral on you, the two of you can together figure out what works best for you. Another day it is reversed and you are finding out what works best for him.

We don't go with self masturbation, but do mutual masturbation often. So, even if it isn't his penis getting you to orgasm, at least it is his hand that is doing it. So, he learns that even if his penis isn't working right, there are still a number of things he can do to bring you a lot of pleasure.

There are also exercises he can do to help him keep his erection. My husband has read a book that has helped. Sometimes it is about getting the right position for him and you.

Basically, tell him you two will be taking a class together and it is the most fun and satisfying educational experience he will ever have - LOL. But, it will hopefully get him out of his head too much and he won't feel like a failure because he will know even if his penis isn't working - he is still in the game and there are still a ton of things he can do that leave you extremely satisfied. Knowing that "he" is the one that knows your spots and is even working some areas in ways that have never been experienced for you might give him some new confidence as well.

Plus, it is an intimate and loving experience - exactly the opposite of porn. So, it may be further therapy and healing for him. He will see intimacy, love, and sexual satisfaction is more than just penis work.

Johan

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Re: frustrated and could use some input
« Reply #3 on: October 06, 2016, 01:20:48 PM »
Its been over 90 days for him and we have been trying to have sex here and there. I wish it was more often, lol. The frustration comes in because we will be kissing and things and he will start to get hard and then it seems about half or more of the time he will "go". Like this happen when I am all in the mood and really wanting something to happen and then he just blew his wad. Super frustrating. I would like to just wipe up a bit and keep playing around and he could maybe help me get there but instead he just sits in self pity and feel like crap.

You don't need to say he is pathetic because he already feels that way. Nothing is more humiliating for a man than not be able to please woman sexually.
And i would say that 90 days is not much. Everyone is different but for me as a 33 year old man it took over year to fully recover from pied and low self esteen which it brought along.
In my journey i learnt that improving your own male qualities speeds up recovery. I mean working out, have enjoyable hobby, improve your appearance and being leader etc. there are many books about this subject.

aquarius25

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Re: frustrated and could use some input
« Reply #4 on: October 06, 2016, 03:55:07 PM »
EB and Stillme, thanks for the input. We are planning on talking about things tonight and yes I am completely fine with getting myself there. I just would like to be able to that that experience with my husband.  Clearly there is a lot of work to be done.

Johan, I know its mean to say but the more I think about it the more I really do see it as pathetic. I don't tell him that because I know he already feels that way but the reality is I don't care at all if he can't get it up or any of that. If you start to initiate sex and for whatever reason you can get her there with your dick there are lots of other things you can do and to just sit there feeling sorry for yourself is pathetic! Its also a complete disrespect for your partner. If it was just once or twice I would say no biggy but its been majority of our sex life for the past 90 days and before that it has been off and on an issue for the last decade! That isn't right at all. If I was doing that to him and leaving him with blue ball all the time guys would think I was an evil bitch. Why is it then ok for him to do that to me? I feel like this is one of the many double standards that So's of PA's have to deal with. It also seems like it would be a big confidence boots to be able to bring your partner to O and he should be wanting to do that. Maybe I am missing something but I find it absoutley rude.

Its hard to be an SO of a PA. It really hard to sit there and be supportive to him when he basically leave you hanging. It's hard to feel mad and frusterated and not be able to tell him but instead to build him up because that's what he is needing when in reality he really was a total jerk. Creating sexual frusteration and honestly not even thinking of his partners feelings at all but just focusing on himself and his limp dick. Esspecailly considering the fact that the only reason why its a problem is because he chose to lie and jerk off to P for most of his life. The least he could do is is give me a decent O! Afterall I have stayed by his side, supported him, built him up and raised the kids and everything else. I am pretty understanding and have been very nice considering this entire process but this part I feel is one thing I will not stand for anymore.

Emerald Blue

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Re: frustrated and could use some input
« Reply #5 on: October 07, 2016, 09:04:36 AM »
Quote
Nothing is more humiliating for a man than not be able to please woman sexually.

Really? And I suppose sitting in front of a screen lost in a selfish indulgence and forgetting all about one's partner isn't humiliating?

I'm don't want to discount Johan's real life experience and his commitment to recovery, but I think we have to leave the male ego virility thing at the door when we check in here. I feel that my own experiences echo those of Aquarius25 — the DE and loss of erection being the "male" problem though this was happening when he was still using porn. More importantly, the long term use of porn seems (to me at least) to erode their the sense of togetherness and empathy.

In my experience, it's the quality of emotional intimacy that is impaired too, and it seems to persist long after the broken penis has repaired. I know that my own ability to orgasm has been dented as a consequence of my anxieties about how my husband thinks of sex after many years of ritual porn consumption. I KNOW that when he was using porn my breasts weren't "good enough" for him, and that I didn't have the "look" of his latest porn actress or whatever. I could palpably sense his disappointment. There was no "love" in our lovemaking when he was using porn. Before that time, we had true and honest intimacy. So if there is "nothing more humiliating than not being able to satisfy a woman sexually", whether he was losing his erection or not, he was only interested in satisfying himself sexually, which he could only seem to do by himself in secret. Who's humiliation was that?

Porn is a completely selfish indulgence and it encourages the objectification of women. Even if he began to believe my breasts were too small, he still had to process me through his subconscious objectification process and if I didn't check enough of his boxes I was a fail. And that's what I believe was his verdict on me over the years that he was using porn. Porn is a one-sided cowardly, immature activity. The more a man gets into porn the less he is able to connect intimately with his partner, and in a marriage that's very bad news. I have noticed if I feel down or if I'm expressing difficulties, he will either find a way to redirect the attention towards himself (ignoring my hurts and grievances) or not be sympathetic at all. So when I lost the ability to orgasm after the p sub discovery, he could not and would not see how it affected me. It was all about his virility. Instead of making the effort to understand and listen, he'd get hostile or dismissive. When he said he could not see why it would make any difference, I was utterly shocked by his total lack of empathy.

I believe it is very, very difficult to be a partner of a PA. I started off with a lot of hope and a sense of renewal. One year on I know differently. I know he's a liar. He hasn't really made a genuine commitment to honesty and openness as I'd hoped for. I know he can't truly empathise, and I blame porn and the years of secrecy and deception that went into hiding his behavior from me for that. I can't trust him in the way I used to. Sexually, it's not the same. I've lost a lot of confidence in myself. I believe partner's have the worst side of the bargain.
« Last Edit: October 07, 2016, 09:06:45 AM by Emerald Blue »
His porn addiction: you didn't cause it - you can't control it - you can't cure it

aquarius25

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Re: frustrated and could use some input
« Reply #6 on: October 07, 2016, 11:17:03 AM »
So We had a great conversation yesterday and I told him exactly how I felt about all of this and he was very understandable. He said he didn't think I would want anything more from him if his penis couldn't work but the thought that we can keep going was very hopeful. He was very excited about the thought of focusing on me and bringing me to O even when he isn't working properly. We had a great time last night and he said it was very helpful for him to see me get there even when he couldn't. Just wanted to report a positive update.