Author Topic: I think I have a problem  (Read 20950 times)

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #150 on: December 26, 2018, 08:55:03 AM »
As much sex as I have had in my life, it has been so long I feel like a virgin sometimes. I'm glad I didn't grow up with high speed internet, because I'm sure I would be.

Yes, same here.

It was excruciating being with family on Christmas. I feel left out in my family, always have, and moreso as an adult who's single and childless. I'm saddened how things ended up this way for me. Now I'll go back home and be away from them, go back to work, grind it out week to week, then come probably come back for the next holiday and again feel like a loser and vow to change, and then do it again.

I reread this thread from the top last night. It depresses me. I've been saying the same things over and over for years and not making any changes. And time marches on, and the older I get, the harder I'll be able to find someone.

I do feel that maybe this time a real shift or wake-up call has occurred. This month feels like it broke me open a bit more than at any other times in the recent past. Maybe I can hold  on to that this time to keep me motivated. But overall I'm not optimistic right now.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #151 on: December 31, 2018, 10:16:05 AM »
I'm back home and having my ups and downs. I'm trying to make good use of my time off to get some things done, but I'm struggling at bit with motivation and depressed moods. Sometimes I feel hopeless, other times I feel that I've simply blown things out of proportion. I've gotten some hope with making an appointment with a therapist who focuses in part on love and relationships. That could be a great combination if I'm able to work with her. And I think her being a woman could help me get some perspective on what women may think of my "stuff."

Yesterday I had coffee with my friend in town who I think is or would be interested in dating me. I'm going to a party at one of her friends' houses tonight. She is in a rough spot with her work and having moved to a more isolated area. She teared up quite a bit. It was feeling down and didn't really show it, but I'm sure she would understand if I opened up. I have mixed feelings about her and I don't think I should try to start anything when we're both in sort of a vulnerable place. For me, it would be, again, being with someone simply because I would likely be accepted and there'd be a lower chance of being rejected, rather than feeling an actual, strong connection. When she was talking about how isolated she was feeling away from her friends, I suggested we talk regularly on the phone, like weekly. I'm a bit worried that if we do so, she'll start feeling close to me, and I might hurt her if I start dating someone and sort of drift away. I don't know. I guess there's no reason to stop being friends with a woman just because I'd be dating someone.

Actually I'm on the other end of that, with my other friend now dating someone. I haven't handled that well or really maturely I don't think. There are times when I think of her with him physically (who I've never met) and I become jealous and depressed. It's mainly because I'm alone and I just miss having someone myself. As it relates to here, there's also a danger in thinking about her with another man. (Again, we only "dated" a few times after meeting on Tinder, and then became friends when she moved here.) When I am in fantasy land binging on chatting with women and swapping porn, one of the kinks that would come up is cheating/inadequacy/humiliation. So that's sort of at play here when I think of her with someone else. It also makes me think about sex and feeling that I'm missing out, that I should just flirt and have fun and have sex without getting all emotional about it.  Anyway, my response, which I think is OK, is MO'ing to thoughts of real experiences I've have had that went well.  Real women, with real connection and some passion.  That's certainly healthier than MO'ing to something that feels emotionally painful.  And I've been able to achieve full erections with these memories, which is reassuring.

Regarding PMO, I haven't felt any urges since my last relapse. I do think I'm in a different space now, actually thinking about getting into a relationship, and that's causing the urges to lessen. When I PMO it's me basically giving up on life and any sense of self-respect. Pursuing a relationship and facing fears and focusing on my emotional life represents not giving up on life. 
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

NewVerse

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #152 on: December 31, 2018, 01:08:14 PM »
I'm back home and having my ups and downs. I'm trying to make good use of my time off to get some things done, but I'm struggling at bit with motivation and depressed moods. Sometimes I feel hopeless, other times I feel that I've simply blown things out of proportion. I've gotten some hope with making an appointment with a therapist who focuses in part on love and relationships. That could be a great combination if I'm able to work with her. And I think her being a woman could help me get some perspective on what women may think of my "stuff."

Yesterday I had coffee with my friend in town who I think is or would be interested in dating me. I'm going to a party at one of her friends' houses tonight. She is in a rough spot with her work and having moved to a more isolated area. She teared up quite a bit. It was feeling down and didn't really show it, but I'm sure she would understand if I opened up. I have mixed feelings about her and I don't think I should try to start anything when we're both in sort of a vulnerable place. For me, it would be, again, being with someone simply because I would likely be accepted and there'd be a lower chance of being rejected, rather than feeling an actual, strong connection. When she was talking about how isolated she was feeling away from her friends, I suggested we talk regularly on the phone, like weekly. I'm a bit worried that if we do so, she'll start feeling close to me, and I might hurt her if I start dating someone and sort of drift away. I don't know. I guess there's no reason to stop being friends with a woman just because I'd be dating someone.

Actually I'm on the other end of that, with my other friend now dating someone. I haven't handled that well or really maturely I don't think. There are times when I think of her with him physically (who I've never met) and I become jealous and depressed. It's mainly because I'm alone and I just miss having someone myself. As it relates to here, there's also a danger in thinking about her with another man. (Again, we only "dated" a few times after meeting on Tinder, and then became friends when she moved here.) When I am in fantasy land binging on chatting with women and swapping porn, one of the kinks that would come up is cheating/inadequacy/humiliation. So that's sort of at play here when I think of her with someone else. It also makes me think about sex and feeling that I'm missing out, that I should just flirt and have fun and have sex without getting all emotional about it.  Anyway, my response, which I think is OK, is MO'ing to thoughts of real experiences I've have had that went well.  Real women, with real connection and some passion.  That's certainly healthier than MO'ing to something that feels emotionally painful.  And I've been able to achieve full erections with these memories, which is reassuring.

Regarding PMO, I haven't felt any urges since my last relapse. I do think I'm in a different space now, actually thinking about getting into a relationship, and that's causing the urges to lessen. When I PMO it's me basically giving up on life and any sense of self-respect. Pursuing a relationship and facing fears and focusing on my emotional life represents not giving up on life.

I can relate to this. I am probably not the best person for advice in regards to your friend. It's usually not a healthy thing to make decisions based on both of you being vulnerable, or being in an emotional state. I have a semi similar situation with the woman I mentioned who had invited me to vegas a while back. She's still around and still occasioally invites me out, and I nearly always have an excuse. I'm surprised she still bothers, honestly. There are times I beat myself up and think why don't I just be with her (or try).  I feel like she deserves someone better than someone who treats her as an option. I like her as a person but it's never really been there. I can't explain it. There could be part of me who is just rationalizing out of ED fears. I can't tell you if you should or shouldn't give this girl a shot. Perhaps look at it when you are less vulnerable, like you said.

It's good you made a therapist appointment.
"It's not real"

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #153 on: December 31, 2018, 05:59:21 PM »
Thanks. Yes, I'm hoping the therapist will work out. I'm all over the place. Sometimes feeling confident that I'll make some changes and really move forward, and sometimes extremely depressed and lonely and hopeless. All in the same day.

I don't think I'll attempt to start anything with her, but I guess I could see how things go when we talk on the phone regularly. But yes, I'm in a bad place and she  is too, and it wouldn't be good for me to start something just to relieve the pain and loneliness. But I am very much lonely. I just want someone to love me and accept me. After peeling back the onion, the layers of PMO and workaholism, I see how sad I am and how scared I am. But I'm also feeling, so that's good.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #154 on: January 01, 2019, 09:42:17 PM »
I didn't have too much fun at the party, but I guess I'm glad I forced myself to do something. My friend is younger, so the people there were too, and I felt old. I think I've reconfirmed for myself that I'm not interested in dating her.

I spent the early part of the day very depressed and despondent, and watching videos on various counseling approaches and concepts again with the hope of finding a path to get myself "fixed." I'm pretty sure I know where my tendency to isolate and feel alienated from people comes from. The prospect of being able to overcome that at this age is daunting, maybe it's too ingrained. And I felt it strongly again, from last night at the party. My tendency to close off and not trust certainly will come up in dating. But watching some of those videos gave me some hope. And I have more perspective now than I did when I was younger. I'll see how it goes when I see this therapist, as well as another one I might go with.

An attractive woman "liked" my profile on a dating site. Normally I'd sit and analyze and rank possibilities and all that, but I think I should just write her and say hello and see what happens. I have to change up my approach to life. Stop trying to manage everything and go with the flow a bit.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

NewVerse

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #155 on: January 02, 2019, 04:26:44 AM »
I didn't have too much fun at the party, but I guess I'm glad I forced myself to do something. My friend is younger, so the people there were too, and I felt old. I think I've reconfirmed for myself that I'm not interested in dating her.

I spent the early part of the day very depressed and despondent, and watching videos on various counseling approaches and concepts again with the hope of finding a path to get myself "fixed." I'm pretty sure I know where my tendency to isolate and feel alienated from people comes from. The prospect of being able to overcome that at this age is daunting, maybe it's too ingrained. And I felt it strongly again, from last night at the party. My tendency to close off and not trust certainly will come up in dating. But watching some of those videos gave me some hope. And I have more perspective now than I did when I was younger. I'll see how it goes when I see this therapist, as well as another one I might go with.

An attractive woman "liked" my profile on a dating site. Normally I'd sit and analyze and rank possibilities and all that, but I think I should just write her and say hello and see what happens. I have to change up my approach to life. Stop trying to manage everything and go with the flow a bit.

Are you not interested in her because she's younger? Just about everyone I attract is younger than me. The "opportunity" that presented itself 2 days into my relapse is really attractive and 26 years old. I can't believe that's damn near two decades younger than me! I won't lie that on a physical level that attracts me greatly, but outside of that I can't see myself hanging out with a bunch of 20 somethings and being the old guy. We probably don't have much in common, on the other hand she's not some kind of party girl. She has two kids, so she's in that way more of a "grown up" than I am. I mostly tend to attract women in their 30s which works for me. I don't look my age and I only ever feel old when people actually ask how old I am and am forced to remember I'm old. And if I'm going to be the older guy, i certainly can't be the older guy with ED.

Hopefully you'll message the woman who liked your profile. Nothing ventured, nothing gained
"It's not real"

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #156 on: January 02, 2019, 02:06:09 PM »

Are you not interested in her because she's younger? Just about everyone I attract is younger than me. The "opportunity" that presented itself 2 days into my relapse is really attractive and 26 years old. I can't believe that's damn near two decades younger than me! I won't lie that on a physical level that attracts me greatly, but outside of that I can't see myself hanging out with a bunch of 20 somethings and being the old guy. We probably don't have much in common, on the other hand she's not some kind of party girl. She has two kids, so she's in that way more of a "grown up" than I am. I mostly tend to attract women in their 30s which works for me. I don't look my age and I only ever feel old when people actually ask how old I am and am forced to remember I'm old. And if I'm going to be the older guy, i certainly can't be the older guy with ED.

Hopefully you'll message the woman who liked your profile. Nothing ventured, nothing gained

Way to go man. That's awesome. Good motivation to get and stay clean. I'm like you. I look much younger than I am. I don't really feel my age either. People are surprised when they know. Sometimes that's embarrassing, given I'm not married and not really in a higher-level position at work. But that might be in my head. Anyway, looking young vastly outweighs any self-consciousness. Does this girl know how old you are?  Being a parent would seem to make her mature beyond her years.

This friend of mine is in her low 30s. It's not necessarily the age gap that gives me pause. I just don't think we'd be a good fit. She's kind of different one-on-one than in a group or on the phone. Hard to explain. I feel the most connection one-on-one. Like you, I'd feel old and out of place among most of her friends, at least going by those at the party. In fact I thought many of them were younger than they were. It felt a bit like I was in college again.

Can I ask, when do you think you'll know you're over PIED? Have you had it before and overcome it?  If so, how did you know you were ready to be with someone in person? Or is it sort of a calculated risk? When I am in fantasy world I'm not even sure I'm hard most of the time. That's why I became worried about PIED. Fantasizing about real women I've been with has helped reassure me. However, the next time I'm with someone, someone I'm really interested in and therefore when I'm vulnerable, it's possible i wouldn't be able to perform. But no reason to worry about that now.

I'm getting closer to finalizing an appointment with the therapist. I'm discouraged though about how far she is away from me. In-person appointments would be tough to get to. She works over the phone, but I think in-person is vastly better for therapy.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Rex

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #157 on: January 03, 2019, 10:05:12 AM »
NewVerse and Detente,

The quest to find "the woman", a perfect mate and the downs of the dating scene have been in the past one of my biggest triggers to fall to PMO. When I would encounter setbacks in the dating scene or with a relationship it was PMO that I always fell back on to ease the pain and give me the comfort I sought.

With a woman, don't focus on the age difference, it's irrelevant. It's about mutual trust and love and being on the same wave length and having similar goals.  You can find a woman your age to be immature and one 20 years younger to mature and a better match for you or vice versa. Be the good guys that you are, always treat a woman with respect and like a lady (always be a gentleman).  The right woman will love you for it.  There's a great women waiting for both of you right around the corner, and you can be your best for her by continuing to be PMO free.  The problem with PMO is it's selfish self love that destroys us, once we purge ourselves of it we can truly be available to commit ourselves to a relationship to a deserving woman.



« Last Edit: January 03, 2019, 10:07:05 AM by Rex »
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NewVerse

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #158 on: January 03, 2019, 03:47:04 PM »

Can I ask, when do you think you'll know you're over PIED? Have you had it before and overcome it?  If so, how did you know you were ready to be with someone in person? Or is it sort of a calculated risk? When I am in fantasy world I'm not even sure I'm hard most of the time. That's why I became worried about PIED. Fantasizing about real women I've been with has helped reassure me. However, the next time I'm with someone, someone I'm really interested in and therefore when I'm vulnerable, it's possible i wouldn't be able to perform. But no reason to worry about that now.

I'm getting closer to finalizing an appointment with the therapist. I'm discouraged though about how far she is away from me. In-person appointments would be tough to get to. She works over the phone, but I think in-person is vastly better for therapy.

I assume it will be have to be a calculated risk. I suppose there are other variables, or clues that I'm improving. MW being the earliest sign, or do I get aroused thinking about her or by physical contact,  Then there's the question of how much of it is simply performance anxiety. How much am I enjoying the moment, as opposed to worrying about having to "perform". These have all been factors in success and failures in the past. I haven't tried since I've known PIED was an actual thing, but I always had some idea that porn affected my sex life negatively.
"It's not real"

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #159 on: January 03, 2019, 11:02:18 PM »
NewVerse and Detente,

The quest to find "the woman", a perfect mate and the downs of the dating scene have been in the past one of my biggest triggers to fall to PMO. When I would encounter setbacks in the dating scene or with a relationship it was PMO that I always fell back on to ease the pain and give me the comfort I sought.

With a woman, don't focus on the age difference, it's irrelevant. It's about mutual trust and love and being on the same wave length and having similar goals.  You can find a woman your age to be immature and one 20 years younger to mature and a better match for you or vice versa. Be the good guys that you are, always treat a woman with respect and like a lady (always be a gentleman).  The right woman will love you for it.  There's a great women waiting for both of you right around the corner, and you can be your best for her by continuing to be PMO free.  The problem with PMO is it's selfish self love that destroys us, once we purge ourselves of it we can truly be available to commit ourselves to a relationship to a deserving woman.

Thanks Rex.  I'll have to see if dating drama triggers me.  I haven't really been dating since I realized I had a problem with PMO.  I think dating, if I'm going out there with an intention to really connect and not just screw around and waste time, will make me less likely to PMO actually.  I'll be interacting with real women on a real level, being my best self, like you said.  When I've fallen into PMO, it's been when I'm not trying to be my best and basically am giving up on life or taking it for granted -- being lazy, or staying home and being bored, or being arrogant and selfish in the sense that I think I have all the time in the world and spend it not connecting with anyone.  When I have been in relationships, I haven't looked at porn at all or even M'd I think.  But we'll see, and I'll be on guard.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #160 on: January 03, 2019, 11:06:19 PM »

Can I ask, when do you think you'll know you're over PIED? Have you had it before and overcome it?  If so, how did you know you were ready to be with someone in person? Or is it sort of a calculated risk? When I am in fantasy world I'm not even sure I'm hard most of the time. That's why I became worried about PIED. Fantasizing about real women I've been with has helped reassure me. However, the next time I'm with someone, someone I'm really interested in and therefore when I'm vulnerable, it's possible i wouldn't be able to perform. But no reason to worry about that now.

I'm getting closer to finalizing an appointment with the therapist. I'm discouraged though about how far she is away from me. In-person appointments would be tough to get to. She works over the phone, but I think in-person is vastly better for therapy.

I assume it will be have to be a calculated risk. I suppose there are other variables, or clues that I'm improving. MW being the earliest sign, or do I get aroused thinking about her or by physical contact,  Then there's the question of how much of it is simply performance anxiety. How much am I enjoying the moment, as opposed to worrying about having to "perform". These have all been factors in success and failures in the past. I haven't tried since I've known PIED was an actual thing, but I always had some idea that porn affected my sex life negatively.

Got it.  Hopefully when you do re-engage, you'll be with someone kind and trustworthy, taking some of the pressure off. 
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #161 on: January 05, 2019, 06:40:01 PM »
Back with family. Still a bit tough but not as bad at Christmas. I have some appointments set up with therapists. Motivated to make changes.

It's been almost a month since my last relapse, but I don't really care about the numbers this time. I really feel something is different now. This last one, plus the holidays and my friend situation, really broke me open. Also, my job situation has settled. Like stress there, and that will help. It'll open the door for dating/relationship stress.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #162 on: January 05, 2019, 06:40:44 PM »
*less stress
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #163 on: January 15, 2019, 09:41:34 PM »
Checking in. No real PMO temptation. A slight one at one point if I recall, but nothing major. Thinking about dating and women and relationships basically kills the motivation to PMO for me.

I met the dating coach and am encouraged. I really need someone in my corner as I put myself out there. I feel all alone otherwise. I'm also starting to see a therapist. I world like to work on keeping things in perspective when it comes to dating and the risk of letting people get to know me.

I'm chatting with two women now on a dating site, one I reached out to first, which is good.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #164 on: January 22, 2019, 11:17:58 PM »
Had a first date tonight with one of the women I've been chatting with. I think we had some things in common and I was very interested in her work and approach to life, but I didn't feel a physical attraction. In retrospect she had one photo on her profile, just of her face. But it was good to get out there and try.

No PMO or temptation.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

NewVerse

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #165 on: January 23, 2019, 01:52:55 PM »
Detente,
Glad to hear you are seeing a therapist and starting to date a bit
One picture profiles always have me weary haha, but it's great that you are putting yourself out there!
Do you think you'll see her again?
"It's not real"

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #166 on: January 23, 2019, 07:16:27 PM »
Detente,
Glad to hear you are seeing a therapist and starting to date a bit
One picture profiles always have me weary haha, but it's great that you are putting yourself out there!
Do you think you'll see her again?

Thanks. No, I wrote her and said I only had platonic feelings. I'm really disappointed because we had a lot of commonalities and had done a lot of messaging up until we met. And just being out there in a date really triggered my low self-worth, self-criticism. I'm actually in a bag place even though I think she was interested in me and in that sense the date was successful.

This whole thing seems like such a mountain to climb. I'm pretty scared and lonely. Also I'm pretty sick right now.

No PMO urges, so that's good.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

NewVerse

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #167 on: January 24, 2019, 02:03:28 PM »

Thanks. No, I wrote her and said I only had platonic feelings. I'm really disappointed because we had a lot of commonalities and had done a lot of messaging up until we met. And just being out there in a date really triggered my low self-worth, self-criticism. I'm actually in a bag place even though I think she was interested in me and in that sense the date was successful.

This whole thing seems like such a mountain to climb. I'm pretty scared and lonely. Also I'm pretty sick right now.

No PMO urges, so that's good.

It's rough when you build up hope in your head about someone, especially since you seemed to be connecting prior to the date. I wish I was less superficial to be honest. I let a couple good ones get away over the years, but seeing that I've had PIED with attractive women, there isn't much hope with someone I have zero attraction to.

It sounds like you are being too hard on yourself, though I understand how you feel. I Hope feel better soon
"It's not real"

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #168 on: January 26, 2019, 12:04:19 PM »
Yeah, thanks. It didn't help too that I was really sick on the date and the rest of the week. And it's funny how my perspective can change from day to day. I was in despair sheet the date and when I met with the therapist this week. Now I'm less pessimistic after listening to some cognitive behavioral therapy podcasts and thinking that if I keep with it I could make changes. And pinpointing some of my problems. Ultimately I may have anxiety about simply being myself with others, even friends. And anxiety in general may be based on a perception of danger that is inaccurate. If I could get myself to believe being myself isn't dangerous, or it is worth the risk of rejection or ridicule, that could be a big help. Similarly, with depression they say there's almost always some sort of unhelpful it inaccurate thinking involved. Anyway that's how I'm feeling at the moment. Next week I'll probably feel hopeless again and tell myself I was foolish for feeling any optimism, ha.

But I credit myself for getting out there again and making an initial effort, as well as reaching out to someone and initiating contact. And I've realized again that it's best to avoid profiles with only a single photo or face photos only. That'll guide me going forward.

No PMO or temptations to report.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #169 on: February 02, 2019, 07:19:48 PM »
Just checking in. No PMO or temptations to report. Feeling blue right now. Has to do with my friend who started then stopped dating someone that threw me into the tailspin. One day this week she was pouring her heart out to me and I felt connected to get and sort of ... useful to her. But today back to her more judgmental mode, which in turn makes me feel I don't measure up. Not that we're dating or anything. It just makes me question myself, my interests and personality and reserved self.

I have another date this upcoming week, but to be honest I'm not all that excited. She wrote to me first. But I'm really trying to just get out there. She's got some interests in common. Not as attractive as I'd like, but at least I have more photos to look at than the first girl.

I really need to take control of my life and move it in the direction I want.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

NewVerse

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #170 on: February 02, 2019, 08:53:29 PM »
Just checking in. No PMO or temptations to report. Feeling blue right now. Has to do with my friend who started then stopped dating someone that threw me into the tailspin. One day this week she was pouring her heart out to me and I felt connected to get and sort of ... useful to her. But today back to her more judgmental mode, which in turn makes me feel I don't measure up. Not that we're dating or anything. It just makes me question myself, my interests and personality and reserved self.

I have another date this upcoming week, but to be honest I'm not all that excited. She wrote to me first. But I'm really trying to just get out there. She's got some interests in common. Not as attractive as I'd like, but at least I have more photos to look at than the first girl.

I really need to take control of my life and move it in the direction I want.

Sorry to hear you are feeling blue. It does sound at least from your posts that your friend feels a connection to you, but she's a judgy kind of person which reminds you while you are not dating her, but also makes you feel kind of shitty? Im not sure if I'm reading that correctly?

Good luck on your date. Give it a shot. You never know, especially since your expectations are different this time.
"It's not real"

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #171 on: February 05, 2019, 08:57:47 PM »

Sorry to hear you are feeling blue. It does sound at least from your posts that your friend feels a connection to you, but she's a judgy kind of person which reminds you while you are not dating her, but also makes you feel kind of shitty? Im not sure if I'm reading that correctly?

Good luck on your date. Give it a shot. You never know, especially since your expectations are different this time.

I don't know if I've explained it well.  I'm too lazy to go back and read my old posts, but I might have said I thought at one point she was interested in me, but I definitely don't think so now.  We met through a dating site.  We've become friends since she moved to my city and in my neighborhood, and now we're coworkers.  I've kind of helped her out a bit as she settles in and struggles to get connections going here, and I think I still feel foolish and a bit of a loser because she and I didn't go anywhere.  And then it really hurt when she started dating someone and telling me about him, including that they'd slept together.

When he basically ghosted on her, she was crushed, and I listened to her and offered advice, and I saw her more vulnerable side.  But then she was back to being very judgmental the last time I hung out with her, about the city, the people here, nightlife, coworkers, etc.  Some of the things she was judgy about made me question myself, as I don't live up to her standards.  And she is passive-aggressive at times, and I feel she's making digs at me, although I could be imagining things.  I also feel vulnerable about her seeing me and my life -- the quality of my life and relationships, and basically the kind of the defectiveness I feel about myself, that if someone gets to know me they won't like me.

Bottom line is we just don't share the same values and interests and tempermant, and instead of simply recognizing that for what it is, I'm beating myself.  And when she'd judgmental and complaining, I get more reserved and withdraw, and also realize it's just a negative vibe that brings me down.  So I think based on all the above, it'll be good to pull back a bit.  It's not my responsibility to get her life set up and be her sounding board, especially on dating.  I can help out but it's also important to life my life according to who I am, my interests, my style.

Date #2 of 2019 is tomorrow.  I'll try to go into it with an open and curious and optimistic mindset.   In any event it'll be good practice.

Still no PMO or temptation. 
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

NewVerse

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #172 on: February 06, 2019, 04:20:54 PM »

I don't know if I've explained it well.  I'm too lazy to go back and read my old posts, but I might have said I thought at one point she was interested in me, but I definitely don't think so now.  We met through a dating site.  We've become friends since she moved to my city and in my neighborhood, and now we're coworkers.  I've kind of helped her out a bit as she settles in and struggles to get connections going here, and I think I still feel foolish and a bit of a loser because she and I didn't go anywhere.  And then it really hurt when she started dating someone and telling me about him, including that they'd slept together.

When he basically ghosted on her, she was crushed, and I listened to her and offered advice, and I saw her more vulnerable side.  But then she was back to being very judgmental the last time I hung out with her, about the city, the people here, nightlife, coworkers, etc.  Some of the things she was judgy about made me question myself, as I don't live up to her standards.  And she is passive-aggressive at times, and I feel she's making digs at me, although I could be imagining things.  I also feel vulnerable about her seeing me and my life -- the quality of my life and relationships, and basically the kind of the defectiveness I feel about myself, that if someone gets to know me they won't like me.

Bottom line is we just don't share the same values and interests and tempermant, and instead of simply recognizing that for what it is, I'm beating myself.  And when she'd judgmental and complaining, I get more reserved and withdraw, and also realize it's just a negative vibe that brings me down.  So I think based on all the above, it'll be good to pull back a bit.  It's not my responsibility to get her life set up and be her sounding board, especially on dating.  I can help out but it's also important to life my life according to who I am, my interests, my style.

Date #2 of 2019 is tomorrow.  I'll try to go into it with an open and curious and optimistic mindset.   In any event it'll be good practice.

Still no PMO or temptation.

That's right, I do recall you saying you weren't a match, and I may have interpreted as her being interested, and you weren't. This makes sense. She was at least slightly in the very beginning given the way you met, but not now. Given what you have told me you may not be imagining or overthinking that she's also judging you or taking passive aggressive shots, and I would imagine that triggers certain self-worth issues you may have, but it's obviously hard to tell her intention not being there. It's probably better you know now if you are not a good match if it ever would come down to her expressing interest. It doesn't sound like she's healthy for you to be around, but again I can only go by what I read here.

Hope your date goes well!
"It's not real"

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #173 on: February 07, 2019, 09:50:28 AM »
Yeah I think if she ever expresses interest, it would be because she's lonely and wants to be with someone, not necessarily because we'd be a good fit. She's struggling being in a new city and kind of put her hopes in the guy she was seeing to help her with that. When taking about that, I really felt for her. She's revealed some of her insecurities, and that made me feel close to her and that I could trust her. But then the next time I saw her she was in her negative, judgmental mode. Also, she can be manipulative. It's best if I pull back a bit. She has other friends and family she's in contact she can lean on.

The date went well. We had things in common to talk about. The conversation didn't really seem forced. I kind of knew going in I wasn't all that physically attracted to her, and I bet that lessened my anxiety. My dating coach said to not make that a huge focus because that might develop I'd there's an emotional connection. But I don't think a physical attraction would develop here. Just getting out there and practicing and experiencing dates helps.

My counter says I'm at 61 days without PMO. No urges as I focus on really meeting someone and trying out living with self-respect.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

NewVerse

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #174 on: February 07, 2019, 10:51:14 PM »
Yeah I think if she ever expresses interest, it would be because she's lonely and wants to be with someone, not necessarily because we'd be a good fit. She's struggling being in a new city and kind of put her hopes in the guy she was seeing to help her with that. When taking about that, I really felt for her. She's revealed some of her insecurities, and that made me feel close to her and that I could trust her. But then the next time I saw her she was in her negative, judgmental mode. Also, she can be manipulative. It's best if I pull back a bit. She has other friends and family she's in contact she can lean on.

The date went well. We had things in common to talk about. The conversation didn't really seem forced. I kind of knew going in I wasn't all that physically attracted to her, and I bet that lessened my anxiety. My dating coach said to not make that a huge focus because that might develop I'd there's an emotional connection. But I don't think a physical attraction would develop here. Just getting out there and practicing and experiencing dates helps.

My counter says I'm at 61 days without PMO. No urges as I focus on really meeting someone and trying out living with self-respect.

Glad the date went well even if there weren't sparks. Sometimes I wish physical attraction was less important to me than it is. Years back I let someone get away who was on every other level as close to my soulmate as one could get, but physically the complete opposite. I always wished I could get past it, because looks are ultimately meaningless, but seeing that I have enough trouble "performing" for someone I find attractive, there wasn't much hope. She wound up hating me but I tried to make it as much about me being screwed up as possible and not her ,but she's smart so I'm sure she knew on some level.

61 days is awesome. I have actually never heard of a dating coach. Is it something that happens through therapy or a separate thing?
"It's not real"