Author Topic: I think I have a problem  (Read 21714 times)

Marco60

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #100 on: March 23, 2018, 03:34:43 AM »
I'm almost 365 days PMO-free, not counting this blip and the other sex chatting things I've mentioned.

That's good, but I've just fucked something up in real life that I think is sort of related to PMO in the sense of avoiding real relationships and intimacy. ....
Just a short presentation: I posted my recovery story here too and in the "Success stories" section, you should know that I am quite old (57 yo) and I think I recovered enough in 63 days.
Now: 365 days PMO-free is a GREAT success, I think! CONGRATULATIONS  :) !! Yet, I do not understand your comments: you mean that in order to stick to the reboot prescription you continue to avoid intimacy ?
I can tell you my own experience. I was totally destroyed by PIED when I started reboot, on December 30th past year. At day 63 of hard reboot I decided to try to have a sexual intercourse, and that night I had not one but three.  Then another one day 72, thus I am  reasonably confident that reboot worked well. I did because I wanted to test myself, and indeed the tests were successful. Why you do not try too? The worst could happen is that the test will not work, but after 365 days if this happens at least you will know that you need to do more reboot. I think it is better to know than living long time in the uncertainty.
« Last Edit: March 23, 2018, 08:24:48 AM by Marco60 »

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #101 on: March 23, 2018, 03:43:37 AM »
Marco60, thanks for replying, and congratulations on your reboot and conquering your PIED.

I don't think my last post was all that clear. I'm happy to be PMO-free (with some close calls though). But just tonight I did something I'm going to regret in real life, not with online porn. Basically, hooked up with someone I shouldn't have after a happy hour. Different from PMO, but still a strong sense of shame and regret, and unhealthy.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

TakeActionNow

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #102 on: March 23, 2018, 08:19:59 AM »
Detente,
We're humans, not robots.
We were meant to make mistakes.
Dont be so hard on yourself.
You've recognized what you've done, made amends, so now its time to move on.
Remain strong my friend.
You're alright
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #103 on: March 23, 2018, 10:47:41 AM »
Thank you Take Action Now, but this is pretty bad, and not sure how it's going to turn out. I really appreciate your support. I need it right now. Not sure I want to explain more on here, but it relates to me not moving in the right direction, and involves others, not just me and PMO.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

TakeActionNow

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #104 on: March 23, 2018, 06:08:28 PM »
Detente,
You dont have to explain.
You just have to be responsible.
Do what needs to be done, and move on.
Dont dwell on the past. Thats over and done with.
Take appropriate action for the future.
And be committed to your responsibilities
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #105 on: March 23, 2018, 08:07:34 PM »
Thank you. I'll try. Just so difficult right now. I guess the effects aren't in the past yet. I am working to do what needs to be done to resolve/settle this issue. Maybe just the passage of time will help, once things seem more settled. But I will have to work on trying to force myself too.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

TakeActionNow

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #106 on: March 23, 2018, 11:16:35 PM »
There is no force.
Be clear with what and why you need to do something.
Let the reasons guide you.
Because you know the outcome is beneficial for you. Ego has no place in purpose.

Dont over think or over analyze
In a fire, firemen are trained to put out fires, not strategize.
Take action and go put out your fire now.
The rest will take care if itself.
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #107 on: March 24, 2018, 07:59:32 AM »
Thanks. I think that there was an autocorrect fail there - I think I meant "forgive" instead of "force."

I will try to focus on what needs to be done and getting that done. I hope for some progress today.

If/after the immediate situation settles down, the bigger thing will be forgiving myself.

It's a shame because I really felt I was moving in a positive direction in life.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

TakeActionNow

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #108 on: March 24, 2018, 04:54:38 PM »
Hi Detente,

when my father passed away, he left me a gift of awareness:
Kindness, Forgiveness, Compassion
KFC, its easy to remember :)
These are the things you must always constantly gift and give yourself in order to move actively and positively in life.

Not forgiving yourself is an indulgence.
Even after knowing and having a plan, people not taking action or want to punish themselves are indulgent in self hurt and self blame. This is a waste of time.
Like PMO, stop indulgence
Only Action matters.

The past is over and done with.
Only the present and future matters
You know what you need to do.
Stop hurting and punishing yourself.
Move on and forward positively and let the past go.
This is the best thing you can do for yourself
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #109 on: March 24, 2018, 06:59:49 PM »
I’d been hoping to write a triumphant post celebrating a year PMO-free, with some small blips, and other progress I’d made. This recent episode seriously dampens that.

On the episode—I had a drunken hookup with someone I shouldn’t have. She’s married, but she said she’s bisexual, as is her husband, and in an open relationship. However, it’s clear she and her husband are not on the same page with how it’s supposed to work. Although it seems they’ve been having a lot of problems, I fear that I may be the straw that breaks the marriage. And I’ve learned that she has some serious anxiety and emotional issues. I hate that I was part of adding to her pain and stress, as well as her husband’s, although she does not seem as regretful as I am about this. She may have been angry about how things are going with her husband. I don’t know.

To make it worse, she’s a coworker, someone I can’t avoid seeing every day. So I have to hope we can get an understanding on what to do—hopefully be able to quickly move on from it, not dwell on it, almost forget it ever happened. With this, she again might not be as agitated about it. She said she’s hooked up with coworkers before. I have avoided it, for good reason. What if people find out, especially given she’s married? Would HR or our managers have to talk to us? How awkward is it going to be between us? What if she wants more from me and feels hurt? What if I’d have to quit? The job is already stressful as it is.

Like PMO, I hate this because it was out-of-control, sad and empty. It was a late night, I was drunk, and I was physically intimate with someone I’m not emotionally intimate with. We didn’t have sex but went pretty far. There’s always a tender, vulnerable moment afterward that doesn’t seem right, knowing the other person will leave and I’ll be alone again.

I couldn’t get any sleep that night, castigating myself for what happened and worried about the consequences. I posted here in the middle of that, desperate to reach out. I was a wreck the next day, and when she didn’t show for work, I grew terrified.
What if she didn’t make it home? What if her angry husband got violent with her? What if the marriage really did end and she was distraught? What if she’s so upset she won’t be able to work at all, killing her career? I reached out to her several times that day, and what a relief it was when she finally did respond. It doesn’t seem she’s crushed by this. Again, this may not be as big a deal for her. I still have yet to talk to her.

For me, this adds another blot on my sexual “record.” I’m ashamed at the number of women I’ve had sex with (let alone hooked up without actual sex) and that, along with my lack of long-term relationship experience and age, make me terrified about what prospective partner will think of me.

It’s also reflects who I don’t want to be. I’ve talked about this before in the context of PMO. It’s unhealthy, unhinged, undisciplined, pathetic, lonely, meaningless, immature, unloving. Harmful to my self-esteem.

All this is a shame because I was making progress. Aside from the recent woman who send me photos and videos, which I ended after a couple of weeks and kept myself from M’ing to, the online sex chatting I’d done with another several months ago, and also phone sex chatting recently with yet another person I’d hooked up with, I had generally avoided unsavory sex practices. Including PMO for a year. PMO I think is the worst because it includes the damage to the brain on top of all the regret. I’m not sure the other stuff does.

The non-PMO progress included moving to a new apartment, decluttering, meditating every day, taking up a new sport, exercising a bit, doing some personal development workshops, and generally allowing my heart to open a bit more than it has been for a long time.

It’s amazing what one bad decision can do. I hope I can mitigate the damage, forgive myself, and keep moving in a positive direction.

Thanks for reading.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

TakeActionNow

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #110 on: March 24, 2018, 08:27:43 PM »
Detente,
You're a human.
You have human needs and wants
You have feelings and emotions
You have strengths and weakenesses

One episode does not measure you
One setback does not fail you completely

When we are learning to walk, we fell down innumerous times, but that did not deter us
Whe ln we are learning to play soccer and miss the goal innumerable times, that did not deter us
When we are learning ro drive, missing rhe clutch, bumping the curb, that did not deter us.

And neither should this.
Life is a journey, and journeys are meant to go on and on until that faitful day that will not go on anymore for us
Until thern there is no end and no beginning.

Where you are now is a huge improvement from where you were yesterday.
That you recognize all the details you feel you've needed improvement in, is huge.
Most people dont even know what they've done wrong.
So dont worry about her. She can take care of herself well enough. She is a consenting adult and she choose it freely. You do not owe her anything.

Don't worry about work. Keep diligent and work hard. You are measured by your output, not intimate moments with coworkers

Keep your life aimple.
Stop worrying over things you cannot control.
Focus on those you can.
This includes continuingly being the best you can, day in and day out.

The reboot number is just a number.
So what if you pop the champagne on day 90 and wank one out on day 91?
The number is meaningless.
What is more important is the internal transformation these 90 days have done for you.

And i can see it has done a whole lot of good for you.
Focus on your goods
Only your good matters
The rest leave them behind with the rest of the things we've left behind
« Last Edit: March 24, 2018, 08:30:19 PM by TakeActionNow »
Self Worth, Self Respect, Self Love
Purpose before Person

negativity > depression > ACTION > non-self pity > Goals > growth > STRENGTH > REALITY > Attention > Interests > Challenge > Choice > COURAGE > I LOVE MYSELF > Masculinity > UnBlock > selfheal

Anothertry

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #111 on: March 25, 2018, 08:29:54 AM »
I think that was beautifully put, TakeActionNow.

I wonder, Detente, if it is possible that the worst thing about all this is the shame and anxiety that you are putting yourself through?

What happened, it sounds like, is that you got physically intimate (not even to the point of sex), with someone who was willing to mislead you about the nature of her  relationship with her husband.  In terms of the damage you did - well, it was her choice too, and it doesn't sound like you were the first person she did this with....I someone suspect you won't be the last!

I think your job is only a problem if your being intimate causes a conflict of interest for your company.  Say, you were both solicitors representing different but connected clients.  In most cases, this is unlikely.

Shame and anxiety are massive drivers of addiction.  Self-compassion is a wonderful gift to give yourself that makes daily life so much more wonderful...

And I think you should still celebrate all your achievements this year.  It is really tough on yourself - really tough - not to celebrate them because of this one thing.  I wonder if it helps to think what you would say to a good friend who had been through this?  Sometimes, those words are exactly the right words to say to yourself.

Take care of yourself,

AT.

seneca

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #112 on: March 25, 2018, 10:20:30 AM »
I could not say it any better.  Read and reread Anothertry.  You’re being way too hard on yourself. 

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #113 on: March 26, 2018, 09:59:19 PM »
Thanks TakeActionNow, Anothertry, Seneca. Your compassionate responses meant a lot to me. Yes, one setback does not define me, I am human, and I went home with a beautiful coworker who I thought was available.

Anothertry, I was reflecting a bit on what you said about shame and had this idea that punishing myself so much might actually be considered egotistical, in the sense that it might show that I think I'm above making big mistakes. As in, "other people get involved with married women, other people get involved with coworkers, but not me -- I'm more disciplined and in control than those people." I'd never considered that harsh self-hatred and shame might also be a sign of arrogance, too. In a way, it's arrogant to think I don't need to be compassionate with myself when I would think it'd be necessary to be compassionate with a good friend in the same situation.

I also must be honest and say that much of the dread and anxiety I felt was based not only on the fear that I had ruined her life or marriage or career, but also of what might happen to me.

In any event, I'm feeling a great deal of relief after today. She didn't seem depressed or distraught at work at all. She and I were able to chat, and I think it went as well as possible in a situation like this. She didn't blame me, and while I don't know the details, she said she's working things out with her husband. We both acknowledged it's awkward at work now, but we'll treat each other like regular coworkers do. And we of course won't mention it to anyone else. It feels to me this will all fade into the background as time goes on. This could have turned out much worse.

Thanks again for your support.

I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #114 on: July 01, 2018, 01:54:19 PM »
After 458 days of abstaining of PMOing by chatting with women and exchanging pictures and videos on those Reddit boards, I’m back to report a relapse. Actually three. The first was last Friday. I’m not exactly sure what prompted it, but I started at the end of the day at work after a long, stressful week and amid some tension with my boss. I think I was happy the week was over and kind of curious and thought I’d just take a peek. I probably would have gone on bender if I hadn’t had plans to go out with friends that evening. It wasn’t as bad as past episodes in that sense, but certainly nothing I could rationalize away. But it was bad, and I was even trying to keep it going even when out with friends.

It was easy to fall back into it. It felt very familiar and, sadly enough, I think I may have recognized some of the posters – the “regulars.” I did sense the rush. I did think about reporting it here, but I guess I in fact did think I could rationalize it because I didn’t M at the end of the night. (Then again, I’d had a lot to drink, so I kind of just crashed when I got home.)
Then on Tuesday, I did have a bender. At this point I can’t remember the details. But it was the exact same dynamic. Constantly refreshing the page, emailing women ASAP, getting exciting when seeing new messages appear. Repeating and repeating and not stopping. It’s amazing; I don’t feel tired at when I’m in the middle of it with my brain so stimulated. It was another all-nighter, and on a weeknight. I felt the familiar regret, shame, and exhaustion.

At the end of that episode, I got a message back from a young woman who had written about something I’d really connected with, and she said what I’d written to her really resonated with her. So in a sense there was a real connection there, and she said she’d write back later on. (And as always, I’m assuming this is a person who is who she says she is.) So I didn’t delete the anonymous account I’d created right away, like I’ve done when I got caught up in this in the past, thinking maybe we’d start a regular correspondence. When I didn’t hear back, I deleted it. Then a day later I created another account to get back in touch with her, and she did respond. We wrote back and forth, and I wrote a long message Thursday evening that she didn’t respond to. I guess because I was waiting/hoping for a response and therefore sitting online with my account open, I went back to those subreddits. And another all-night bender resulted. I deleted that second account.

Even if we had developed a correspondence, I surely would have ended up feeling like I have with others I’ve gone back-and-forth with. Eventually, it feels empty and sad. But as we know, we don’t recognize that in the midst of a binge.
As I’ve written before, my new job is pretty intense for me, and it really hurts me to come in late and especially without sleeping of course. My work certainly suffered. And of course it was a blow to my self-esteem.

But I’m intentionally going with a self-compassionate approach on this one and keeping it in perspective. I did make it well over a year, and I have progressed in several areas, including nearly daily meditation, daily spiritual reading, a new job, a new apartment, spending time with friends, etc. One thing I wanted to do is reread this entire thread (reread it again, I realize – I hadn’t remembered I’d done that in December). I can see that I had been in a very unhealthy place, and I don’t feel nearly close to that now, even after this stumble. I’m also saddened to see all repeated reports of drinking and, really, carousing, tech addiction, and not getting out there and dating. I see someone who has been afraid to develop intimacy and doesn’t think he deserves the good things in life.

Likening a setback like this to meditation helps me. The instruction usually is to focus on your breath, and when you start thinking, just try to notice the thought and gently return your focus to your breath. Here the focus is on being the person I want to be, and when I drift away (through PMO like this, or growing cynical, or binging on reading the news, or eating poorly), gently bring myself back to the right path. Self-flagellation not being helpful and, as I was reminded rereading this thread, in a way a form of self-indulgence. I do get a sense of connection with humanity knowing I struggle and stumble just like anyone else, and I move forward.

What got me out of the depths were those mini-goals, aiming to abstain even for a week. I don’t want to focus so much on the day count this time, but I will set abstention goals anyway – for this one, July 15. I’ll also set goals to do something, not just abstain from doing something. That goal will be to update my dating profile by that date.

Onward.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #115 on: October 14, 2018, 08:39:55 PM »
Another relapse yesterday afternoon, then all-night overnight into the late morning. Same Reddit boards, chasing after women to chat or role play with. Same complete immersion and lost sense of time.

I didn't realize it, but according to my tracker, it had been 90 days since my last relapse. On this one I consciously opened up Reddit with the intention to go back to those boards. It wasn't like I just wandered over to them after opening up non-porn boards.

I again realize why this attracts me. I do feel a connection and sense of excitement talking to women about sex, reading about their sex lives, and swapping porn. And it's an escape from reality for a bit, which I think I do need from time to time. But I know this is extremely unhealthy for me and not something I can handle. The compulsiveness, the loneliness, the wasted time, and of course the brain-altering effects, especially with the images. The same story.

Again I'm going to try the approach of keeping this episode in perspective. A setback on the way toward a healthier life.

I didn't follow through last time on checking in and setting goals here. I think for now I'm just going to sit with this and see how I move forward.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #116 on: October 17, 2018, 09:57:37 AM »
Well, that was a quick relapse. Might be time to reinstate the mini-goals. My goal will be to get through October. Basically, I did something I’d done before. I remembered one woman who I’d connected with who had similar interests as me, and I starting thinking I missed out on a good long-term chat partner. So I created another account to wrote to her again. Having open the door again, I started chatting with others,  after not hearing back from that one woman. Another extremely late night, and I’m tired today and won’t be as productive as I could be. I’ve deleted that new account and set up my blocker again, which clearly too easy to override.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

huckleberry

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #117 on: October 17, 2018, 07:06:30 PM »
I read your story and wow, this is tough. Do you have a hobby that you can turn to when you've got that rare bit of free time? I also have a stressful job and I found that I turned to PMO when I was very stressed from work or family responsibilities (my life is great, but I'm in about as deep as you can get)... The crazy thing though was how ashamed I was of myself when I would go on a PMO bender... and even worse when I was dealing with a really stressful project at work and I started looking at porn in the men's room. How depraved and pathetic is that?

Unlike so many on here, I've been lucky that I have destroyed (or even damaged) my home life, but I know that is the endpoint of all this. So I stopped.

What has helped me the last few weeks since I stopped is focusing more on my hobby. It is computer related so it gives me something to do besides porn. That has been helpful.

Best of luck Detente.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #118 on: December 08, 2018, 05:47:10 PM »
Huckleberry, thanks for reading this saga and responding. Sorry I haven't responded, I don't have notifications on (and not really sure how to set that up). Believe me, I've done the same, looking at porn/chatting at work, even in the bathroom. It's bad.

I take it you meant to say you haven't destroyed or damaged your home life? I'll look over your profile. You say you stopped? Do you visit here still for continued support or resolve, like an alcoholic may attend AA for a lifetime?

I don't really have a hobby I guess. I've picked up indoor rock climbing though and can pursue that more. And I'd like to take some language classes. Given my issue with Reddit, I don't think I could have a computer hobby, ha. The thing is I have plenty of free time as a single man. I've started back at a different job now and, depending on how things shake out, I can see it not being very stressful, which might help. I guess stress can be a trigger for me, as well as boredom, or just a bunch of free time.

Thanks again for reading.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #119 on: December 08, 2018, 06:01:52 PM »
And I'm back again to report that I've relapsed again. Once during the week, resulting in another late night and exhausted workday the next day, and now this afternoon. I had a middle-of-the-week day off and I don't even remember now how I fell into it, but it was toward the end of the day. Once I started back on those Reddit boards, the floodgates opened. I kept my newest Reddit account active until today in the hopes of reconnecting with someone I was chatting with. All the while seeking to chat and share porn with other women. I was exhausted this week and wasted the afternoon today. I deleted the account and said I needed to come back here.

I feel ashamed and weak, but the scariest thing is that my feelings aren't all that intense. It's like I've given up on life, living a fuller life with love and self-respect. There must be something deep in me that is telling me I don't deserve love and connection.

I had a taste of it having dinner with a female friend, also single. We met on a dating site but have just been friends, although I think she may be interested in more, and I'm not sure how I feel. But it was nice, sharing a meal and wine and having some laughs. And I sort of get scared of that I suppose. Of really opening my heart.  But I need to risk and try.  PMO'ing is the opposite of that.  It's safe, comfortable, easy, but also stimulating.  I dunno...

I guess I'll commit now to  writing here tomorrow. One day at a time.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Rex

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #120 on: December 08, 2018, 06:33:51 PM »
And I'm back again to report that I've relapsed again. Once during the week, resulting in another late night and exhausted workday the next day, and now this afternoon. I had a middle-of-the-week day off and I don't even remember now how I fell into it, but it was toward the end of the day. Once I started back on those Reddit boards, the floodgates opened. I kept my newest Reddit account active until today in the hopes of reconnecting with someone I was chatting with. All the while seeking to chat and share porn with other women. I was exhausted this week and wasted the afternoon today. I deleted the account and said I needed to come back here.

I feel ashamed and weak, but the scariest thing is that my feelings aren't all that intense. It's like I've given up on life, living a fuller life with love and self-respect. There must be something deep in me that is telling me I don't deserve love and connection.

I had a taste of it having dinner with a female friend, also single. We met on a dating site but have just been friends, although I think she may be interested in more, and I'm not sure how I feel. But it was nice, sharing a meal and wine and having some laughs. And I sort of get scared of that I suppose. Of really opening my heart.  But I need to risk and try.  PMO'ing is the opposite of that.  It's safe, comfortable, easy, but also stimulating.  I dunno...

I guess I'll commit now to  writing here tomorrow. One day at a time.

Detente,

Don't beat yourself up.  You have done the right thing posting about your relapse and making a new start. That's half the battle.  What I always did in that situation was go back into a PMO marathon after a relapse which put me further down the abyss but you have done the right thing by starting over.  Hit that virtual reset button and start again on your reboot, don't focus on the fall, leave it behind where it belongs. Think of it as a Super Mario Bros. game where you made a wrong move and you have to start back over again however when you hit the obstacle again in the game you'll know how to maneuver around it.

PMO pretends to be such a comforting friend when the stress, anxiety, and other tough events hit but after falling to it, PMO becomes your greatest critic beating you up. You now have started over, this time you are going to make it.  I'll pray for you....

 
Rex
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Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #121 on: December 08, 2018, 07:47:40 PM »
Rex, thank you.  Support is what I need right now.  A little while after last posting, I'm feeling the sadness, which I think is good. I want to feel, I want to realize this is serious and loneliness is serious.  When I'm chatting and swapping porn online I'm in another world, numbed, oblivious, escaping.

I guess I had a mini-PMO marathon this week, with two major episodes. To be honest, I shut down only after finally M'ing today and after it was clear I wouldn't hear back from someone I was chatting with. I don't have a daily struggle. I have fairly long stretches in between, but when I backslide I really binge.

Thanks for you prayers, that really helps.

--

Huckleberry, if you're reading, my apologies. I see that you are still working on overcoming your addiction. I should have checked your post history earlier. In fact I see I posted once on your thread. I hope you're doing well.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Rex

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #122 on: December 11, 2018, 01:11:34 PM »
Rex, thank you.  Support is what I need right now.  A little while after last posting, I'm feeling the sadness, which I think is good. I want to feel, I want to realize this is serious and loneliness is serious.  When I'm chatting and swapping porn online I'm in another world, numbed, oblivious, escaping.

I guess I had a mini-PMO marathon this week, with two major episodes. To be honest, I shut down only after finally M'ing today and after it was clear I wouldn't hear back from someone I was chatting with. I don't have a daily struggle. I have fairly long stretches in between, but when I backslide I really binge.

Thanks for you prayers, that really helps.


Detente,

The same thing would happen to me after a fall I would go into a PMO marathon.  When I was successful back in early-2014 going 24 days free.  When I fell I dropped off this board (later came back very briefly) and didn't come back until last week.  I was ashamed.  I was then able to go 28 days free in early-2017 and then fell.  Now I am 77 days free from PMO.  You did the right thing staying on the board, instead of giving up.  Don't give up, you can get back on your feet.  The deeper you go back into a PMO marathon the harder it will be.  You did the right thing and posted your feelings.  Think of right now as a new start.  Pray when those temptations hit, and keep yourself busy with activities and those triggers that caused your recent falls, try to stay away from them.  You can do it..  I wish I had back in early-2014 done what you are doing by getting back on the wagon and staying on the board, I wouldn't have lost over 4 years.

You can do it!  I will pray a Rosary for you tonight...

 
« Last Edit: December 11, 2018, 01:14:17 PM by Rex »
Rex
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Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #123 on: December 15, 2018, 06:29:15 PM »
Thanks Rex. I appreciate your insight and your prayers. And welcome back to the board. I'm glad you're here and congratulations on hitting 77 days (hopefully now that's 81 days, just 9 days away from the big 9-0!).

So I didn't write the day after my last posting as I said I would. It's been on my mind. I think it'll be important to stay here, even if I successfully abstain again. When I was on my long hiatus I thought I had this beat.  I've never had a substance abuse problem, but I suppose this addiction requires treating it like one and never assuming I'm 100% over it. I'm setting a reminder on my calendar to post something here next weekend. I'll be busy next week and don't expect any problems, but I want to post either way.

I've been anxious and sad this week. Anxious and sad over a work-related decision, sad about a female friend starting to date someone (I don't think we'd be compatible but I'm just sad about maybe losing her time and friendship and, to be honest, not having someone of my own), and just overall sad to be single during the holidays. I know I had a major post last year around this time saying the same things if I recall, and resolving to do something about it. Can't believe a year has passed.

I think at the root of it I don't feel worthy of love or respect, that I'm defective at a core level. I really felt that way strongly when I was much younger and kind of fought through it and have improved and realized a lot of that is in my head. But I think that's what stops me from going out there and dating. But I think I'm also too choosy and maybe stubborn, stuck in my ways. Or that I still need to improve myself to a higher level before dating someone. But time is ticking away, and I've realized every one of us is wounded, no one is perfect, and I'm more comfortable with my flaws as well as my strengths. I do wish when I'm enjoying my free time, as well as when I'm tempted to PMO and am PMO'ing, that I'd remember that I'm living a lonely life and being with someone would make life richer, despite the struggles that a relationship can bring.





I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

NewVerse

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #124 on: December 15, 2018, 07:42:43 PM »
Detente, I read through your journal some and I relate to too much of it.
The chat and the dating sites, which became my demon far more than P. The rush when you see you got a message, or even multiple messages on ok cupid.The feeling like you are "fishing" Trying to get a bite. I unfortunately was catfishing as other people which was a whole other sad mess for me. I also have been intimate with married women, and it is not something I am proud of. I think it was a way of being with someone as the "fun" part of her life while her husband deals with the actual real life part. That was some time ago, but I still remember like it was yesterday meeting one of the husbands at an event and feeling like a giant scumbag.

Mostly I relate to every bit of your last paragraph here

I think at the root of it I don't feel worthy of love or respect, that I'm defective at a core level. I really felt that way strongly when I was much younger and kind of fought through it and have improved and realized a lot of that is in my head. But I think that's what stops me from going out there and dating. But I think I'm also too choosy and maybe stubborn, stuck in my ways. Or that I still need to improve myself to a higher level before dating someone. But time is ticking away, and I've realized every one of us is wounded, no one is perfect, and I'm more comfortable with my flaws as well as my strengths. I do wish when I'm enjoying my free time, as well as when I'm tempted to PMO and am PMO'ing, that I'd remember that I'm living a lonely life and being with someone would make life richer, despite the struggles that a relationship can bring.

Keep pushing sir
"It's not real"