Author Topic: I think I have a problem  (Read 21738 times)

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #50 on: December 31, 2016, 05:23:31 PM »
Day 28.

Not too much temptation today.  While on my computer, I saw that a photo I'd downloaded during one of my binges was in my downloads folder.  It wasn't a pornographic photo per se, no nudity but an "arty" photo of a woman with a look of pleasure on her face.  I deleted it.

Last night was another "binge" of a different sort.  Not looking at porn, but airplane accident documentaries and videos of all things (after watching the movie "Sully").  I stayed up really late doing this.  I'd like to cut out this sort of mindless binging.  At least it wasn't porn-related.  I think it stems from my main issues -- loneliness, aimlessness, feeling stuck, and feeling bad about being single at this age.  One thing weighing on me is that I really need to switch jobs, and the prospect scares me.  I don't really like the field I'm in, and switching to something better-suited would probably require me to take a large pay cut.  So it's weighing on me.

Before I forget, I wanted to mention one other nasty thing about the sex chatting and porn exchange I was doing with women on Reddit.  In addition to feeling bad about myself, screwing with my health, and wasting time, I was communicating with several young women who, based on their postings to other subreddits, were "damaged" in some way -- suffering from depression, past abuse, low self-esteem, etc.  So  it felt almost abusive in a way to be chatting like that.  It's not my responsibility for them participating, but I think that they might be doing that if they felt better about themselves.  Like me.

Signing off to say:  I deserve a healthy, loving relationship, and I can make that happen.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Maximus76

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #51 on: January 01, 2017, 07:56:05 AM »
Just read your journal from the start to finish. I have no doubt that the reddit messaging with girls, hunting, getting that dopamine ping when a notification shows a new incoming message, is a real addiction for you. Just as you yourself have realized. On a positive note though it is a good thing to come to realizaion about it, even if it feels bad, because then we can do something about the problem. Just like you now are doing.
I too have the same problem, not with reddit but another site where I get hooked into trying to get to write with someone of the opposite sex and then I escalate into all sorts of writing about stuff I actually would not want to do in real life. After i'm done I often feel a bit disgusted about myself and the way I wrote with her. My real sexual taste is vanilla sex and I'm not interested in shemales, guys or old/young age play yet those are the stuff I find myself writing about again and again, just to get a reaction from them, and in someway amp up the dopamine levels even higher for myself because of that, when they start asking me questions about it. (they think I actually has done any of those very kinky and unusual things I describe to them yet I'm only making it up)

For me, I know I must keep that site blocked, becaouse it is there I have programmed my brain to be this way. So I think it is good that you try to avoid reddit at all costs!

Stay strong!
« Last Edit: January 01, 2017, 07:58:25 AM by Maximus76 »

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #52 on: January 01, 2017, 09:20:44 PM »
Day 29.

No temptation today.  Tired after a few drinks to celebrate the New Year and staying up late, but with friends.  I also think posting here regularly helps, and knowing people are reading this.

Maximus, that site sounds pretty cool -- can you PM me the address?  Just kidding.  What you've described is very much like my experience.  Acting like I'm interested in things I'm really not, to get interest and conversation from women who do get turned on by those things. Blocking Reddit on my computer and getting an app that lets me shut down my phone has helped.

I deserve a loving, healthy relationship, and I can make that happen.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #53 on: January 02, 2017, 08:27:10 PM »
Day 30.

No real urge to go on Reddit or look at porn, but I was feeling a strong urge to masturbate this morning.  I think going without a release for weeks on end is going to pose a challenge.  On a positive note, my thoughts were more in the realm of sex with a partner, not a fantasy based on porn I've looked at or discussed with women.  So more "wholesome" thoughts.  Also, hopefully this reflects a reset, and my normal libido is returning.

Not doing so well on reducing my technology use.  Still wasting lots of time looking at videos, etc.  Having trouble motivating myself to get productive things done.  Need to work on that.

Next week I have another work trip.  I think there will be some risk of at least masturbating, and possibly going on Reddit.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #54 on: January 04, 2017, 12:41:07 AM »
Day 31.  No real risk today of going on Reddit or finding other Internet porn, but I thought a lot about sex today, mainly about past experiences I've had with women.  I feel a lot of sadness around that.  The vast majority of my sexual encounters did not take place within a relationship -- they've mainly been one-offs or casual situations, or situations where I did not envision the relationship progressing and I was too weak to be upfront about it.  Sadly, I've probably had sex with more women than normal (which I'm not proud of) and at the same time I am definitely less sexually experienced than normal.  Explaining this to a potential girlfriend is a scary prospect.  However, I do see my interest in sex as a positive sign.  Without porn, I direct that  sexual energy in a real relationship.

I still find myself acting out with technology in a way that seems to be a substitute for my compulsive Reddit issue.  I'm mindlessly swiping through profiles on dating apps, and focusing on women's answers to sex questions on OK Cupid.  Most ominously, I've bookmarked or "liked" or even written to some women mainly based on the potential to have sex with them.  I'm wasting my time and not focusing on women who would probably be a better fit for me (i.e., kind, sweet, down-to-earth).  Part of me does want some kinkiness in a relationship (I think -- or maybe it's just what I think when I'm not in one), but that may be possible with someone who's a good fit for me.

Not using porn in 30 days has, despite my continued tendency to binge on technology, freed up some emotional space, and it's helped me realize how lonely I am.  That's not necessarily bad.  Without porn to distract or numb me, that feeling of raw loneliness may compel me to really go out and find someone and something real.

The job situation continues to weigh me down.  But maybe if something positive was going on in my love life, a real connection, I wouldn't feel so demoralized and would have more energy and optimism to make a change there.

Signing off for today by saying: I will find someone who will love me for me.
 
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #55 on: January 05, 2017, 10:38:54 PM »
Day 33.

No urges to view porn or chat with women.  Been pretty busy with work.  Still screwing around with excessive technology use.  I came home after a late night at the office and stayed up listening to music into the late hours, then getting up late and getting into work late.  Hoping to get to sleep at a decent hour tonight and up at an early hour to be at an appointment on time.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Maximus76

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #56 on: January 06, 2017, 05:18:08 AM »
Quote
I still find myself acting out with technology in a way that seems to be a substitute for my compulsive Reddit issue.  I'm mindlessly swiping through profiles on dating apps, and focusing on women's answers to sex questions on OK Cupid.  Most ominously, I've bookmarked or "liked" or even written to some women mainly based on the potential to have sex with them.  I'm wasting my time and not focusing on women who would probably be a better fit for me (i.e., kind, sweet, down-to-earth).  Part of me does want some kinkiness in a relationship (I think -- or maybe it's just what I think when I'm not in one), but that may be possible with someone who's a good fit for me.

Be a bit careful with this because it mimics the addictic behaviour and beacuse of that it can fire up the same pathways in the brain. Those pathways should, if at all possible, fire as little as possible as to soon weaken and give place for other, more natural ones.

Day 33 already, you are doing great man! Keep rocking!

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #57 on: January 07, 2017, 04:52:15 PM »
Day 35. 

Thanks Maximus.  I really do need to look at my overuse of technology.  I do think it's addictive, especially with my phone.  Constantly checking games I have, news, my finances, etc.  Doing that must be affecting by brain, even if I don't get the same reward from M'ing.  It's also a soothing source of relief from having to concentrate and work.  I can barely read a book anymore.

Yesterday I probably felt the biggest urge to go back on Reddit and chat with women since this 35-day period began.  It's definitely tied to the end of the work week and the feeling of freedom that brings.  Plus being tired I think.  The temptation began at work late in the day.  Luckily there wasn't much risk for me, especially knowing I have the blocker on my computer.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #58 on: January 08, 2017, 08:34:53 PM »
Day 36.

No real risk or temptation today.  Pretty good weekend of hiking yesterday and going to a meeting of some people with a common interest.  Working on some new nutrition approaches.  Going out of town this week, but right now I don't feel too worried about a relapse.  Still need to delete some dating apps.  Still wasting my time a bit on some.  Not sure why I'm not able to do it.  I guess I have several "collected" matches that I don't want to give up, even though I haven't initiated any conversations with them.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

le_petit_moster

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #59 on: January 08, 2017, 09:42:21 PM »
Day 36.

No real risk or temptation today.  Pretty good weekend of hiking yesterday and going to a meeting of some people with a common interest.  Working on some new nutrition approaches.  Going out of town this week, but right now I don't feel too worried about a relapse.  Still need to delete some dating apps.  Still wasting my time a bit on some.  Not sure why I'm not able to do it.  I guess I have several "collected" matches that I don't want to give up, even though I haven't initiated any conversations with them.
Dear Detente....I wish you well.. you have killed the 'little monster' the brain chemical stuff. You seem to be good with the 'big monster' the brain wash stuff. However, what I have seen is when you start avoiding people, things or situations ( phone in your case) you are transferring too much power to this illusory monster PMO. Please be aware of this. The strange thing is once you become aware of this..you can still check news as often as before but your mind will be clear that you are there only for news. You get what I am saying ? Wish you the best.
PS: I've written a hackbook based on a very effective method. It does not use the Willpower method or scare tactics or brain science.
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=11997.0

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #60 on: January 13, 2017, 11:03:35 PM »
Day 40, and unfortunately I have to report another relapse.  I was doing so well and just blew it last night.  I'm on the road for work again, the work we needed to do was finished, and I had a free night to myself by myself.  I'd started chatting with a girl I matched with here on a swipe app, with the hopes of getting to have sex.  Ended up texting her over the course of the remainder of the night after I'd returned to my hotel.  Once again had drink after drink at the hotel, generally in the hopes of meeting someone there who'd want to hook up.  When the girl wasn't working out, or the hotel guests, I started going back to those Reddit subreddits on my phone, and eventually on my laptop back up in my room. I figured out how to turn off my blockers even in my drunken state.  At the time I thought I could get a pass because I wasn't actually chatting with anyone on Reddit, but eventually I was.  So again feeling hungover, gross, ashamed.

The triggers here were being alone, having freedom from any work responsibilities and free time, and drinking.  Have to keep all that in mind.  Idle hands are the devil's workshop and all that.  Also, this time I think I could really sense the brain "rush" I was getting by doing this -- especially when seeing new messages come in.  It did occur to me in the middle of this episode that I was experiencing the addictive process in real time.  I don't know if that's true, but it felt like it.

I emerged from it scared that I'll never turn it around and get into a healthy, loving relationship.  I couldn't imagine myself being capable of it right now.  I couldn't imagine choosing a loving, decent path.  That feeling has ebbed a bit with some time having passed.

It kills me to have to report this, knowing that there have been a lot of viewers on this thread reading this.  I had thought of this site as I'd started to peek in at Reddit again, trying to remember how I'd hate to have to report an other relapse, and sort of bargaining with myself by wondering at what point I would have crossed the line, requiring me to fess up.  I must confess that I did think about not reporting it all.  Once I did know I'd gone too far, I went all the way and gorged, like when someone breaks a diet.

I don't want to beat myself up too much. I did get to 40 days, which I think is a record for me since I've started.  This might be one blip on the road to wellness.  I'll reset the counter with a smaller day goal, and also keep track of the Dec. 3 start date.

Le_petit_monster, I think part of the problem here is making a big deal out those sites I visit, making them into a monster as you say.  When I go back the floodgates open.  It's like I've gotten into the cookie jar.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

laalee

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #61 on: January 14, 2017, 07:30:55 PM »
Good for you being honest. A lapse is difficult to report i feel like i let my self and others down. 
I want to be perfect not sure what that is.  In 12step they say "progress not perfection"



le_petit_moster

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #62 on: January 14, 2017, 07:42:30 PM »
Day 40, and unfortunately I have to report another relapse.  ...
Le_petit_monster, I think part of the problem here is making a big deal out those sites I visit, making them into a monster as you say.  When I go back the floodgates open.  It's like I've gotten into the cookie jar.
Dear Detente...
I request you to not feel MaG - miserable and guilty. It keeps you down. Do not to let a silly slip become a slip-lapse-relapse. It is not yet a relapse.
You remind me of a recent comment I received from a reader of the hackbook, he said he was a PMOer but now he is confident of quitting.
" It's only been two weeks since I finished it and I've been staying out of town for work away from my fiancé in a hotel room alone four days out of the week. Fighting the urge was ridiculously easy because the book helped me to assure myself I would never watch porn again."

As with MaG, it is important not to feel MaD -miserable and deprived on night when you abstain.
You need to feel ' Yippee ! Isn't it great that I don't need to PMO any more ? I am free !! I am not a prisoner"
ps: the little and the big monsters I refer in the hackbook is the chemical withdrawal and the illusion/brainwash.

I wish you well in your journey.
Cheers.
PS: I've written a hackbook based on a very effective method. It does not use the Willpower method or scare tactics or brain science.
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=11997.0

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #63 on: February 06, 2017, 06:37:55 AM »
Checking in again to report another relapse.  Just took place.  Same thing -- Reddit chatting.  It's 6:30 am on a Monday and need to face the day.  I took today off, but I have some appointments I need to keep that would be more effective if I showed up awake and fresh.  I had stayed away from this site since the last one to build up some clean time before returning.  But the clock re-starts.

I felt I had been turning a corner a bit.  One of my appointments today is about career/job ideas, moving that forward.  Did some decent organizing.  And I've all but stopped using those swipe dating apps, and I contacted one girl on a more substantive dating site and had a nice date yesterday (although it feels like today, since I haven't slept.)  So feels like self-sabotage.  I was finally starting to think of myself as normal, respectable, not pervy, and now I do this again.  Why?  Just lonely and horny?  Afraid to give up this "dirty" part of myself to be in a relationship?  Refusing to let go of selfishness?  Refusing to let go of the freedom that comes with being able to do this sex chatting as a single man?

Le_petit_monster, after the last one I told myself I wouldn't make myself feel miserable and guilty.  I didn't at first, but then I did pretty angry at myself.  I don't know how I'll feel now.  Right now, not so good.  Damn though, I thought I was moving things in the right direction.  BTW, what's the hackbook?  Sorry if it's obvious -- I'll check the site and your post history.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #64 on: February 06, 2017, 06:44:31 AM »
Duh -- the hackbook is in your sig...

I've reset my counter with a goal of getting through the end of the month clean.  Dammit, I really want to hit the 90 days!
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #65 on: February 19, 2017, 09:06:33 AM »
I did it again. Only made it 13 days. Jesus. When am i ever going to grow up and have respect for myself?
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #66 on: March 12, 2017, 01:30:20 PM »
Made my goal of getting through the rest of February without a relapse.  Now aiming to get through March.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

lyon03

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #67 on: March 14, 2017, 05:04:36 AM »
Well done detente! You're off to great start. Keep going, keep posting, and keep encouraging others. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

getagrip

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #68 on: March 16, 2017, 09:17:01 PM »
Sorry I've been away from this thread for awhile. Sounds like you are doing very well these days, and as I got caught up reading the thread, I was inspired by your continuing honesty and disclosures. A long time ago, you asked about penpal sites, but guess what? I'm not going to tell you! I say this because I have found that for me, they are just another excuse for avoiding real contact with real women. I have had E.D. for about a year now, unknown whether it is PIED or medication-related, or a combination of those and other factors. But for whatever reason, I found myself unusually (and refreshingly!) horny tonight and I did look at some images, but I have not PMO'd and with the grace of God and this forum, I won't. Getting back to the penpal sites and for that matter, a lot of dating sites (especially if you're like me and belong to some sites but rarely if ever initiate any contact), I actually believe I make a better impression on people in person than online. I say this even though I can be quite shy. I do belong to meetup.com which I think is an excellent site but unfortunately I have not been to any get-togethers yet. But I think guys like you need to get out of the house more, just to escape the demons in our minds, and to at least be around real people, real women.

Please keep us updated!
Keep it real. As in real women.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #69 on: March 23, 2017, 09:25:09 PM »
Lyon03 and getagrip, thatnks for your support.  I agree that this stuff is about avoiding real contact with women and the risk that comes along with that.  And avoiding living in the real world, with a real relationship and its ups and downs, rather than in fantasy.

Unfortunately I have to report another relapse.  Same thing, same subreddits.  I won't go into the details of what happened, but I was horny (I guess that's good), I had a justification of sorts for going into Reddit, and then I realized I hadn't deleted my last account, so it was right there. I made it 32 days.  Reset, and it begins again.  My goal right now is to finish up March.

Also, I had MO'ed maybe a week or so ago.  Maybe not giving that up entirely will help.  The primary evil here is the click click black hole of the Internet.  Looking at porn and communicating with women online about it is a big rush for me, that's clear.  It's probably messing with my head.  Actually I know it does, because I'm a different person when I'm in the midst of it.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #70 on: April 14, 2017, 12:50:38 PM »
I've made it through the end of March and now mid-April.  The next goal is to finish up April.  I have had a couple of times where I've been tempted to relapse, but have withstood it.  I've been MO'ing more lately, and I thinik that is fine.  Better than PMO.  And without artificial stimulation, although I have had a couple of incidents I feel are regrettable recently -- visiting a strip club (and getting a lap dance for the first time) and going out and drinking too much.  MO'd after each, and felt bad (more physically, from the drinking and late nights).  But that won't be a regular thing I know.  I think the best course is if I get tempted to go online, just MO if necessary for a release.  The issue in all of this is online porn.

Onward!
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #71 on: April 22, 2017, 02:38:30 PM »
I'm up to April 22.  Planning to get through this month, take it one month at a time.  I had some slight urges to get back online but held off.  Mainly because I had a three-day weekend and time to myself.  Specifically, a night to myself. 
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #72 on: May 03, 2017, 08:32:46 AM »
I made it through the rest of April without looking at porn or going to those Reddit subreddits.  I felt the biggest temptation I've had since I've been on this streak Monday night.  I had that "freedom" feeling because I'd be working from home the next day.  So with no commute it was an opportunity to stay up later and relax.  And I had been texting with a high school classmate from long ago, and I think she was being flirtatious, so I was getting into a sexual mood.  But I resisted and moved on.  I still MO without artificial stimulation from time to time.

Outside of this issue, I'm trying to take steps to get myself organized and set up and follow a more regular schedule.  I've been drifting for a while.

Right now another month seems like too long before reaching another milestone, so I'll set May 15 (halfway through the month) as my next  PMO-free goal.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #73 on: May 20, 2017, 12:09:46 AM »
I've made it past mid-May without any relapses.  No real serious temptation to go back online.  I'm allowing myself to MO when I want to (without P), and I think that lessens the temptation.  Just more efficient to go straight to that instead of wasting an entire night online first.  Still struggling with too much Internet use and screen time in general.  Trying to work on that.  Next goal is to get through the rest of the month.  I've made it to 57 days without PMO, which I think is the longest since I created this journal.  Onward.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #74 on: June 02, 2017, 05:24:56 AM »
Made it through the end of May without any relapses.  So far so good.  It's been 70 days.  The next goal is to get to June 17, two weeks from now.  I'll be traveling again for work, which is good in that I'll be busy, but somewhat risky in that I'll be on my own.  However, I don't expect a relapse.  I haven't had too much temptation as I go along, and I have been allowing myself to MO when I want, which isn't very often.  But knowing I can do that helps I think.  I can go straight to that and use my imagination, and save the time and shame of using the Internet.

I'm still struggling outside of this, trying to get out of this rut of cynicism and general apathy.  I've replaced my escape through using P with other types of escapes, like reading the news obsessively.  I think I'm escaping feelings of loneliness and discouragement.  I'm trying to get in touch with my feelings more.  I'm just slogging through life.  My schedule is still off.  I keep late hours and get up late, and get into work late.  Overall, I'm still pretty isolated.  I work, go home or hang out at a coffee shop alone.  I don't initiate social activities much.  I think part of it stems from not liking my job.  It takes up the biggest part of my life and it's hard to fake it in the office.  It's also draining to be looking for a new job while holding down a job.

On the dating front, I'm still avoiding really pursuing it seriously.  I have been trying to match with women who are in open relationships or looking for sex only, which I was able to do and meet in person with one woman.  I also met someone at a club, got drunk, and nearly went home wit her.  A couple times we MO'd together over the phone.  Afterward I don't feel great about it, kind of empty.  It's not really intimacy and just feels empty, very transactional.  I've sort of forgotten the good aspects of relationships -- closeness, support, fun -- and just grown cynical about them.

I'd like to get back to being interested in life, being a decent person, and trying to grow.  I was thinking about how character is destiny yesterday, and one each day we have to choose certain actions and thoughts to steer life in the right direction.  I haven't been making good choices for a long time.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.