Author Topic: I think I have a problem  (Read 21715 times)

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #25 on: November 28, 2016, 08:40:50 PM »
Thanks Anotherty.  Never heard of that taxi driver study.  Very interesting. 

Checking in because it was another "risky" day for me, having worked from home.  Now home alone and don't have anything to really do until I catch a flight tomorrow.  But I haven't really had any urges today, and think I'll be fine tonight, having now checked in.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #26 on: November 29, 2016, 07:39:27 PM »
Checking in again. Feeling some temptation being alone in a hotel room. It would be really bad if I gave in because I have to be alert tomorrow and am already pretty tired.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

laalee

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #27 on: November 30, 2016, 01:55:10 AM »
Good luck i can imagine alone in room being triggered could you get out.

I realize i cant get proper erections due to medications.  So no P or M Pmo or meeting for real.  This is making me crazy



Mikel

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #28 on: November 30, 2016, 03:33:23 AM »
Hey there. Just been reading your journal and of course, there are similarities.

I've deleted a few reddit accounts myself. When I've been trying to stop using porn, I've craved sex instead. This has lead me to seek out ads on craigslist and similar sites like that, looking up escorts, using chat lines (that definitely makes me feel like a loser) and using the nsfw personals on reddit. If I don't find what I'm looking for on one, I move on to the other, then the next one and the one after that etc etc etc. It's mental as I wouldn't be able to have sex anyway due to pied and sometimes I've edged whilst looking at profiles anyway. If there are no photos available, I still feel the dopamine hitting my brain and when I've stopped, my head feels fuzzy as hell. Eventually, it leads back to a full on relapse. Whether it's to porn or personals.

This time around, I'm cutting out everything. I can't even use normal dating profiles until I know I'm 12,000% sure I can use them safely.

Like another user has mentioned, if a website is causing a problem, cut it out completely. You don't need it hindering your recovery and being a possible trigger. I recently had an hourly reminder on my phone simply stating: 'NO PROFILES'. I work on my own whilst I'm at work and it's easy to convince myself that I'm only going to look up women to date. However, my mind wonders when I'm in such a position so it's not (currently) healthy for me.
« Last Edit: November 30, 2016, 07:15:54 AM by Mikel »

Anothertry

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #29 on: November 30, 2016, 04:39:08 AM »
Hi Detente,

Good luck with the alone time - I can relate, I find that hard too.  It might be worth having some strategies for what to do if there are times you are particularly triggered.  Have you come across 'urge surfing'?  If not, and you're interested I can probably find you some links.  It is about knowing how to surf the waves of craving (and cravings do tend to emerge, rise, and then fall back again, like waves in a sea) without giving into them.

  That is one option.  Also distraction, but particularly meaningful distraction.  Is there an old friend you long to talk to but have never had the time?  Well maybe now's the time.  Do you pray (realise this isn't everyone's thing) well, maybe now's the time.  Do you love nature?  Are there nice places to walk, that would get you out of the hotel room?  This could be the time...

and so on,

Good luck with it, whatever you choose to do!  And remember, if you are sure, in your heart, you really want to be free of an addictive behaviour - nothing can make you do it!

All the best,

AT.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #30 on: December 03, 2016, 12:33:41 PM »
Thanks AT and Mikel.  Unfortunately, I have to report another relapse from last night.  I didn't really want to have to report this one, and I had sort of justified it to myself as being OK, but objectively it wasn't.  This was in line with what you're talking about, Mikel.  I'd gotten home from my work trip, was home alone, and tired (a risky combination), and I went onto one of Reddit's NSFW personals boards, looking for someone who'd be where I'll be during my next trip, next week.  I created a new profile and, amazingly, a girl replied, we started chatting, and she sent me photos and videos of herself.  I again stayed up all night chatting, or waiting to hear responses from her.  I thought I could justify this because it was trying to connect and have sex with a real person, as in a legitimate way to relieve the "drought."  But I really wasn't into what she wanted to do, and I'm sure that if I actually met her in person (it wasn't likely because of our schedules) I'd feel completely empty and lonely and disgusted afterward.  Like before, I was just sort of telling her what I thought she wanted to hear, so that she'd keep chatting with me.  (I actually think I'm a pretty vanilla person, sexually.)  I felt bad immediately after I finally said goodbye to her online and returned to the real world.  To end the night, I MO'ed to a photo of someone on a dating site who had looked at my profile, a "wholesome"-looking girl who I'd imagined would be sweet, kind, and loving, someone who deep down I think I would want to be with.  Of course I again now feel empty, lonely, and disgusted this morning. 

I hate to ban Reddit entirely but it might be necessary.  Mikel, glad to know someone else has had issues with Reddit.  I think I'm OK with dating sites.  They can be time-wasters and cause problems for other reasons, but I don't see them as contributing to this problem I can't seem to shake.  In fact, if I get serious about trying to date someone, a dating site is probably the best way for me to make that happen.

AT, hadn't heard of urge surfing but I just Googled it.  As for distractions, walking would be a good one to implement.  It's easy and gets me away from the computer in general.  Even without this stuff, I'm online reading a lot, checking email, etc.

This is really a shame because the time seemed to pass pretty easily while being with family and being busy on the road.  And it's sad how I can go from being around family, spending time together, not thinking all about myself for once, feeling more connected, and therefore not having any interest in this kind of crap ... to one week later being back in the gutter.  Now it'll be until at least March before I can hit 90 days.

I'm discouraged, but I have no choice but to start again.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Mikel

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #31 on: December 04, 2016, 06:18:00 AM »
Yep, been there. Chatted to people purely because they are 'there' so to speak. The desperation and loneliness can be crushing at times, hence seeking out avenues we wouldn't normally seek. Online dating is probably my only source to meet the opposite sex but as I've already mentioned, it's not healthy at the moment and maybe it never will. I'd rather focus on getting well than try something which could possibly hinder my recovery.  It sounds like you may not be comfortable being in your own skin or at the very least, spending time on your own. What do you think?

Anothertry

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #32 on: December 04, 2016, 06:51:31 AM »
Hi Detente,

Well done for coming back after another slip!  There are many people who slip many, many times before finally getting this out of their lives.  I hope that you never do again - as it obviously does not make you feel good.  But I think one thing that can happen is that people feel so ashamed of their slips, they slink back completely into the addiction because they can't face telling people that they have 'failed' again.

Do you know the story of Robert the Bruce and the spider?  If not here is a link:

http://www.educationscotland.gov.uk/scotlandshistory/warsofindependence/bruceandspider/index.asp

Lesson: losing a battle isn't a failure.  You haven't failed till you give up the war.  Keep fighting, man!


Anothertry

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #33 on: December 04, 2016, 06:54:15 AM »
And one last thought:

Getting off the internet and into the world seems to be really helpful for most of us.  One option would be to put a time limit on your web activity.  Spend the rest of the time walking, meeting family, dancing, singing - whatever floats your boat!  Web connections aren't as satisfying as face-to-face as it sounded, from your last post, like you are discovering...

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #34 on: December 04, 2016, 12:07:44 PM »
Day 2.

Quick check-in before I go on my next work trip.  AT, thanks again.  I started reading your journal and see some similarities there and am very impressed with your thinking.  I've also seen your struggles (at least early on, I'm only halfway through the journal), which makes me feel not so bad about my slipups.  I'll check out that link next time I log in.

Some moves I've made:

- Blocked Reddit on my laptop.  My blocker on my computer nicely blocks all of Reddit, so I don't have to block each NSFW subreddit one by one.

- Downloaded a smart phone usage tracker that also allows you to schedule times for apps and Internet to be blocked.  I'm going to experiment with blocking it starting at 9:30 pm and until 5:30 am.  This would lessen the risk of falling into this again and pulling an all-nighter.  Also would help with sleep hygiene.

- Deleted one "swipe" dating app and thinking of deleting Tinder. I don't have problems with these in terms of pursuing sex (at least not seriously) but they are addictive, a time waster, and I tend to "collect" matches and not act on them.  These apps are mainly based on photos, so you have no deep sense of what a person is about based on the profile.  When I use them I'm not really being serious about pursuing a relationship.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Anothertry

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #35 on: December 10, 2016, 06:19:39 AM »
Hi Detente, those sound like really good moves.

If I am honest with you, I sometimes feel like the last person who should be giving people advice, as I am still struggling myself!  On the other hand, I have learned a thing or two over time about what does help me stay PMO free, and I like to offer that to others to see if it helps them.

Ultimately, each of us will be free of this I believe, when for a consistent period of time, we want to be free more than we want PMO.  I am in that place alot of the time - but not all the time,and that is why I slip.

So my journey is about building consistency of motivation, and making it as difficult as possible for myself to slip up when my motivation does go. 

I have found a slow but consistent improvement - certain places I no longer look at P - e.g. in public, certain things no longer trigger me, much less likely to 'pull an all-nighter' etc.  I believe I will get their in the end.  My attitude is 'never give up '.  Each PMO free day is worth achieving!

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #36 on: December 11, 2016, 08:13:49 PM »
Day 9.

Thanks again AT for reading and commenting.  You're continuing optimism despite struggling is inspiring.

The phone blocker is nice.  It's interesting to see how much I use my phone and it's been helpful to not have it available each night depending on how I've set it.

No real P temptation this week being on the road with a busy schedule.  I did slipup somewhat on Friday night, where I got really drunk at the hotel bar.  I was blowing off some steam after a long week, wasting my time flirting with women and talking to people the more drunk I got, and I paid for it the next day with an early flight.  Felt horrible all day and still feel bad, physically.  And I M'ed that night.  Because it wasn't PMO, I'm not resetting the tracker.  But like PMO, this sort of thing feels out-of-control, wastes time, and comes with a physical toll.  And I really don't like myself afterward.

But onward.  Home alone all weekend and not feeling any desire to get on Reddit, so that's good.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Anothertry

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #37 on: December 12, 2016, 05:51:22 AM »
Yeah - onwards and upwards.  I also find it hard to stay clear of this stuff if I  have a hangover.  Sounds like you did really well to avoid Reddit!

Reading your post makes me think about my 'drinking policy'.  Generally, I avoid having more than one drink for the above reasons.  But I don't want to say I'll never get a bit 'merry' - at a close friends birthday party, for example, or something similar.  Maybe it's good to have  a plan for the next day - 'kill or cure' breakfast with a friend, a walk in the woods - something that helps with the hangover but keeps me connected to others, rather than withdrawing into a PMO fest....

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #38 on: December 12, 2016, 04:44:55 PM »
Day 10.

AT, yeah, I felt so crappy and exhausted having been hungover, gotten no sleep, and flown back home that I had no interest in porn or anything that didn't involve me sitting on the couch watching TV.  My drinking is sometimes very similar to my PMO habit -- I don't do it everyday by any stretch, but when I do do it, I can binge and go to the extreme.  But with drinking, it's not nearly as often the case as it is with PMO on Reddit.  I certainly can and do have a drink or two and call it a night, on the occasions when I do drink.

I noticed a very slight inkling of interest in checking out P today, a day I took off from work.  Just noticed it but no real thought of following through.  With the blocker on my laptop now it's too much of a pain anyway, ha.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #39 on: December 13, 2016, 06:51:50 PM »
Day 13.  Some slight temptation as I was working from home today, but nothing major.  I think I forget about the previous "I'll never do this again" episode right around this mark.  Hoping the computer and phone controls will help if the temptations rise.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Anothertry

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #40 on: December 15, 2016, 01:50:19 PM »
Your going great Detente!  I'm rooting for you!

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #41 on: December 17, 2016, 03:05:26 PM »
Day 14. (I guess my counting was off -- I last rebooted on 12/3, and today is 12/17). 

Thanks AT!

No serious urges.  Did some more working from home, and there was some slight urge when I got bored, but nothing serious.  Feeling sick has helped lessen the urge I think.  I've had some more intense dreams lately.  Maybe because I'm not zoning out on the Internet as much?  Last night I actually had a pornographic dream.  A lot of the dreams I'm having are ones where I'm in a bad or awkward situation, and I feel very relieved when I wake up  and realize it was just a dream.

This weekend I have a lot of plans, and my phone and laptop blockers are still there, so I expect no issues in the next few days.

Onward...
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #42 on: December 20, 2016, 10:57:34 PM »
Day 17.

No real serious urges.  It helps to have had things going on and a regular work week this week.  With the holidays coming up I think I'll be OK also.

I do have to report another bad drinking episode this past weekend.  After having several drinks at a party, I stopped in bar on my way home and drank there until closing time.  Another hangover, another day of dragging the next day.  This time I think I did this because I had been "revved" up by the drinking at the party and didn't want to end it.  But I might do this as another way to combat loneliness.  Who knows.  But again a waste of time and money, and acting foolish.  Also, I MO'ed when I got home.  Hope to nip this type of behavior in the bud as well.

Also not doing as well with the overall digital detox as I'd like.  But one thing at a time I guess.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #43 on: December 22, 2016, 10:44:59 PM »
Day 19.

Absorbing some scary news related to a family member's health, and I therefore have zero interest in P right now and feel ridiculous and bewildered for ever having any.  Seems so selfish and childish in the overall scheme of things.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Anothertry

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #44 on: December 23, 2016, 06:52:39 AM »
Sending you good wishes....remember how I felt in similar situations.

All the very best to you and yours....

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #45 on: December 23, 2016, 08:59:50 PM »
Day 20.

Thanks AT, this is new territory for us.  Zero temptation under the circumstances.  I expect it to be like this for a while.  It almost feels like "cheating" without the need to fight any real urge.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #46 on: December 29, 2016, 03:14:44 PM »
Day 26.  Back home and not working this week, and feeling an uptick in urges today.  It's been a lazy day.  Time to do something productive.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #47 on: December 29, 2016, 11:07:58 PM »
Still Day 26. Been really feeling the urge to look at porn today.  Not sure what it is.  I think it's partly because I'm away from family now and "free" again.  Also away, physically and therefore emotionally, from the family health issue.  When I'm around family, I also feel more "wholesome" and feel a sense of responsibility.  Sort of brings out my higher self.  Not as much when I'm alone and far away.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Detente

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #48 on: December 30, 2016, 01:25:59 PM »
Day 27.  Took a slight risk yesterday opening up Reddit on my phone to look at a non-porn subreddit, something that might be helpful to me in my life.  Not too much temptation there but a little bit.  Feeling sad all around about being back home away from family and having to return to a job I really don't like.  So I feel stuck.  Also woke up this morning really yearning for a companion, but scared to initiate something.  I imagined having sex with a loving partner, which was better than indulging in a porn fantasy.  And my erection was pretty hard, which was a nice sign.  Resisted the urge to masturbate.  Almost at one month since the last PMO relapse.
I abstained from PMO for 458 days, until June 29, 2018. After several relapses, I have had to start again, last PMO session being on March 31, 2019.

Maximus76

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Re: I think I have a problem
« Reply #49 on: December 31, 2016, 05:22:51 PM »
Hi Detente!

Just wanted to drop by and say hello. I will read thorugh your jouornal tomorrow and cath up withyour story but I already saw that you are a 40 year old, single man too like me. It's a good thing that these kinds of forums and communities excists.