Author Topic: I can't goddamn do this...  (Read 4439 times)

bonerrific

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I can't goddamn do this...
« on: July 11, 2014, 11:00:44 AM »
Look at my counter. It's so pathetic! I've been trying to do no pmo for over two years and I never get anywhere! The most I've ever gone is just 7 days and I've only attained that feat like three times.

I really don't know how I can get the goddamn willpower to do this! And I have to do it because otherwise I'll never be able to have sex irl. I've failed with three girls so far! I don't get a boner when I grind with girls in a club or kiss them. I don't even get a boner in a strip club.

I just don't know how to do this!! Right now I can tell you, "Oh yes, I will never ever do this again, I know I won't!" but NO MATTER WHAT when I get the urge there is just nothing there to stop me from doing it. The problem is it's so goddamn simple to do it. It's not like with heroin where I'd have to at least score some dope and pay money in some seedy alleyway or some shit. The porn is right there in front of me and just too easy to access it. I've tried so many things like porn blockers etc but it makes no difference: when I want to fap I will fap. I've recently made an MS Word document to read describing the low feelings of how I feel after the fap and I actually read it last time before the fap but still; I WILL ALWAYS FAP! Right now as we speak my ISP has blocked off all pornography to this internet connection at my request but it doesn't matter because I just ended up getting a proxy anyway so it ends up being utterly useless. The worst thing is I discovered an unbelievably amazing porn site about six months back that gives you copious amounts of free, high quality HD streaming porn that you only get from pay-sites with new videos uploaded every day. There's a ridiculous amount of variety there, too. For instance I recently discovered latex turns me on. As far as porn goes, it's so damn good and I can NEVER resist it. I won't tell you guys what it is because I don't want to stifle you. That website by itself makes this test a million times harder for me.

Now long ago I was at least making it to day 3 on average but lately I've gone back to failing pretty much every day. I just really don't know what to do. I can say and read anything at this stage and how it's going to 'be different this time' but whenever crunch time comes I succumb and fail. How oh HOW do I get the willpower to beat this? I'm so utterly pathetic.

briank

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Re: I can't goddamn do this...
« Reply #1 on: July 11, 2014, 11:43:34 AM »
Sorry to hear man. You're right that this addiction can be difficult to overcome because it is so accessible. Maybe you need to remove the access. Like, completely.

Maybe remove the pc/laptop completely from your home. Give it to a friend or family member. I know that would be a pain in the ass if you use it for school or work but it would make it much more difficult to relapse. Even the tv, dvd player etc if that causes problems too.

After that you'll probably need to fill that time with something else, otherwise you're just sitting there in your head driving yourself crazy. Whatever hobbies you enjoy or enjoyed maybe get back into it, go to the gym...just get out of the house in general.

If right now you can't find the willpower to stop, I would make it as difficult as possible for you to relapse and then fill that time with something else.


Bibbity

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Re: I can't goddamn do this...
« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2014, 05:14:23 PM »
You can't rely on willpower!!  You need a rock solid plan for urges, triggers, emotions etc.

You are talking about this new porn site like you just discovered the secret to all of life's happiness.  Do you see that as a problem?  You are relapsing because of your mind set that you WILL without a doubt relapse. 

You know what to do so why aren't you doing it?  Maybe you aren't ready to give up your sweet sweet porn yet.
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

bonerrific

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Re: I can't goddamn do this...
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2014, 08:54:08 PM »
You know what to do so why aren't you doing it?  Maybe you aren't ready to give up your sweet sweet porn yet.
I know what I have to do but I'm just not able to do it! I want to stop this addiction but I can't! I just can't resist to pull the pud when I get the call.

I know it's fucking pathetic how I'm just sitting here whining about how I can't stop jerking off but seriously I just can't fucking help myself. I know... it's so fucking ridiculous but there it is. I really want to give up the porn but I just can't fucking do it!! I'm really trying to understand a way I can find the will to give up this terrible affliction. PIED has utterly destroyed my life.

Bibbity

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Re: I can't goddamn do this...
« Reply #4 on: July 11, 2014, 09:16:52 PM »
Ok step by step tell me what you've tried....
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

Newlifeforme

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Re: I can't goddamn do this...
« Reply #5 on: July 12, 2014, 01:18:45 AM »
I know exactly what you mean and I agree with other posters that it will take more than will power and that you should consider new activities you never tried before or your favorite activities that will alter your feeling and your state of mind. I have used singing songs that I am passionate about on more than one occasion and it really helps with the brain's craving for hat dopamine rush/high that porn gives. Also, getting a good workout that causes me to sweat a lot has also helped get rid of that feeling.

Think about the overall vision you want for the future, outside of quitting porn, what do you want in life more than anything? Write that down and think of that while writing daily journals. Feel free to post on here multiple times throughout the day if you have to, even if you still do PMO, posting here and getting out your feelings to others who will listen will help you gain a better grasp of your own thoughts.

Consider having a routine for starting your day reading a book and or YBOP website, this will help with discipline and help set your mind up for the day.

One of my major issues has been with not reducing triggers as much as possible. The brain may not like when we want to reduce things that could cause a trigger but it adjusts and gives in eventually to the new habits over time. 

I know exactly how you feel, it is very difficult doing this on your own and being in the same environment at the same time. I just started working again today after being out of work for about 6 weeks so it was very difficult spending so much time at home with out relapsing. It can be hard to face this on our own but we can get through it together. Do you have an accountability partner? Ask someone on here and commit to messaging each other each day throughout the 90 day reboot or how ever long you plan to reboot.
« Last Edit: July 12, 2014, 01:21:34 AM by Newlifeforme »

Bibbity

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Re: I can't goddamn do this...
« Reply #6 on: July 12, 2014, 05:56:44 PM »
You know what to do so why aren't you doing it?  Maybe you aren't ready to give up your sweet sweet porn yet.
I know what I have to do but I'm just not able to do it! I want to stop this addiction but I can't! I just can't resist to pull the pud when I get the call.

I know it's fucking pathetic how I'm just sitting here whining about how I can't stop jerking off but seriously I just can't fucking help myself. I know... it's so fucking ridiculous but there it is. I really want to give up the porn but I just can't fucking do it!! I'm really trying to understand a way I can find the will to give up this terrible affliction. PIED has utterly destroyed my life.

I don't think you are pathetic and whiney at all!  I think that in order to succeed you REALLY need to want this.
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

bonerrific

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Re: I can't goddamn do this...
« Reply #7 on: July 12, 2014, 07:09:15 PM »
I want to do this man but I'm just not able to goddamn do it. That's the problem. Rationally of course I want to stop but the point is I just can't. Whenever I get the urge I'm screwed and can't help myself. I'm trying to figure out how the hell I can manage to overcome (no pun intended) the urge. :-\

sender

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Re: I can't goddamn do this...
« Reply #8 on: July 13, 2014, 01:05:37 PM »
I feel you man.

You absolutely can do this, but maybe not without some help.  Because excessive porn use is an addiction, it affects the brain in similar ways as other addictions.  In the case of alcohol or hard drugs, people check into rehab clinics where they are physically prevented from taking the drug for a long enough period of time for their brain to calm down.  Once that has happened, it's easier for them to stay clean.

I've never heard of such a thing for recovering from porn addiction, but maybe there should be.  I can tell you that "the urge" pretty much goes away if you give it enough time.  Can you afford the time to go somewhere for a month or two where there simply isn't any internet?  You could even just remove any kind of private internet access and only use the internet when you're around other people.  How much would your life improve if you did that?  It would be an investment in your future, and even your present.  Maybe it's worth doing in your case if it's at all possible.

I see so many guys in your situation on the boards that I can only come to one conclusion: porn abuse is a powerful addiction, and we need better ways to support people who want to recover from it.  I think this will start to happen soon.  But in the meantime, maybe you can pave the way with your own experience.  Is that something that you might be able / willing to try?  If you do, reporting back here with your results would be a brilliant service to this community.

Short of that, there are other ways to get support: 12-step programs like SLAA, therapy, or even just a men's group like http://mankindproject.org.  I personally have used all three over many years.  Maybe try reaching out to one of these rather than continuing to try the same failing strategy and beating yourself up for continuing to fail at it. 

Getting hooked wasn't your fault.  Staying hooked is.  Don't give up; try something different.
« Last Edit: July 13, 2014, 01:13:44 PM by sender »

Viper

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Re: I can't goddamn do this...
« Reply #9 on: July 13, 2014, 04:16:40 PM »
First things first,
You described some of your personal activity with the opposite sex in your initial post.
Let me tell you something, when I was flatline like you are now, my libido and motivation
was so low, I didn't even have any interest in hitting the clubs/bars.
So I don't even know how you're able it make it there, let alone grind on girls.
I know the scene all to well.
I was all about chasing tail in the nightclub. And when you have PIED, all the lovely
ladies register attraction but it doesn't do anything for your hormones.
So you can't perform.
So even kissing a girl meant nothing to me and a vagina was just that...a vagina.
It's frustrating I know, I've been there.

So lets move on to this problem you have abstaining from beating your meat and watching porn.
I do not agree with those who say to turn off your internet completely.
You already had porn blocked and you cleverly did what you could do get around this with the proxy
which means that you're willing to do anything to continue with the addiction.

You see, even if you were in a cave for 3 months, the urge to watch porn and jerk off will still be there.
At some point, we all have to live in the real world and the internet has been integrated in our lives.
You bring up how this is not like heroine?
Do you think being locked up in prison stops crack heads from getting their fix?
Gang leaders are still able to manage their activity from jail.
So total isolation does not fix the problem.

I say that because it doesn't matter how many restrictions you put on your internet or cut it off completely.
You're a grown ass man and part of dealing with addiction is holding yourself accountable for your judgement,
decisions, and actions.

Where I work, it's a large enterprise of network users with sites around the country. They do their best to
block all the porn but you know...some people just can't resist. And we're talking about guys who are risking
their jobs to try to get around the corporate firewalls to see porn because they are in that deep. So they end
up getting fired and everyone knows why. And everyone and their mama thinks that it will never happen to them.
That's the direction you're going in. You probably beat your meat at work, don't you?

I can only be grateful that I didn't fall that far. Nor did I have any on my portable devices.
I'm not judging others who were in deeper than me because I'm still fighting every day. But some things were more important than my addiction. Besides, if you cut out internet, how can you get support/feedback from this forum?

Since you are struggling with long range goals, why don't we try this;
Lets try 5 days. That's less than a week bro!
Try to stay away from porn and jerking for 5 whole days and before you go anywhere
near your dick, check back here to let us know how you're feeling and what's going on in your head.
This message is time stamped so if you read it on this day, maybe
you can last until Friday.



bonerrific

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Re: I can't goddamn do this...
« Reply #10 on: July 14, 2014, 08:07:42 PM »
Thanks a lot for your messages.

I'm currently two days in and not feeling any urge because I'm depressed as shit. That's another thing. I've made it to day 7 (the maximum I've ever gone) in the past just three or four times. One of those times I was on holiday and staying at my friend's house so porn was a no go (however in the end I ended up taking my laptop to the toilet and jerking off to some pics on it anyway). The other three times I did it was because I felt depressed as fuck. This is one of those times. These days I'm extremely low. I suffer from some pretty bad depression and right now I'm feeling absolutely terrible for many reasons. I mean, I don't have a job and I haven't moved out I'm so pathetic. I've grown extremely reclusive over the last few years and dread social interaction. The prospect of a job interview scares me shitless and I don't know how I will ever manage to do that. Somehow I'm feeling that low these days and it's completely killed off my libido. So it seems I can only do this when my libido has been entirely killed off due to depression.

I don't know when the 'urge' will strike but I'm fairly sure I'll make it to day 3 at the very least this time. I wish I could just do this. As I said in the TC, right now I could swear to you that I'm never gonna fap again but from experience I know that I'll get horny at some point and it will be overwhelming. Those few times in the past where I made it to day 7 for instance, christ I was in absolute hell, so goddamn jittery and horny.

Anyway, just a pointless update. Thanks for reading.

Bibbity

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Re: I can't goddamn do this...
« Reply #11 on: July 14, 2014, 08:58:01 PM »
I agree with Viper.  Nothing will make you stop besides determination to do so.  Next time an urge comes up go get a cold shower and set a timer for 7 minutes.  If you still want to after than then MO but stay away from the porn.  BABY steps are needed here.  Change just ONE thing.  Just one thing that you can do today to achieve your goal to end porn. 

My advice would be to start meditating right now in your depressive state.  Just start with 5 minutes of sitting still and focusing on your breath.  Thought comes in, let it go, no judgement, return to your breath.  Chant in your mind some kind of mantra that will help you.  "I am strong" or "I am whole" or something encouraging and positive.

One thing I notice about your posts is how negative you are!  I do understand you are in a bad way right now but honestly you have to focus on the good and the positive.  You have a place to live and you have food on the table.  Start small.  Start telling yourself you can do this, even if you don't fully believe it.  You can be significant without the porn.
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

sender

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Re: I can't goddamn do this...
« Reply #12 on: July 15, 2014, 07:48:03 AM »
He can't help it.  That's the point.

I think there are a lot of misconceptions about brain-based disorders.  Depression is often a result of a neurochemical imbalance.  To someone who is not depressed, it looks simple: just stop being so negative!  But he can't help it.  The chemicals in his brain are directing his attention to all the bad stuff; it's not a behavioral issue, it's a chemical one.

The same is true of addiction, even to porn.  The reason I suggested that he physically remove himself from internet access for a period of a couple of months is so that his brain chemistry has a chance to rebalance so the intensity of the cravings can come down.  Until that happens, impulse control will be extremely difficult.  Some people can do this on their own, some find it a really difficult struggle.  Only he knows if he can or not.

To say, "ok, you've not been successful at what you're doing, so you just need to try harder" is not a helpful suggestion.  After so many failed attempts going one way, another way should be tried.

If a person can spend enough time focused on the right things, their neurochemistry can rebalance on its own.  It doesn't matter how they do it; through force of will, in a rehab center, or however they do it.  As long as they can give their brain enough time to heal, it can do so on its own, but not without going through some discomfort.

It's like going from a sedentary lifestyle to suddenly starting an aggressive exercise program.  Your muscles aren't used to that kind of demand, so they hurt for a few days or weeks, but after the initial period, they become used to it and it becomes easier.

As for how to deal with the depression, that's very hard to say.  Independent behavioral techniques like positive affirmations, meditation, etc. are all good and can work if consistently applied, but again a person's current mental state can present obstacles to following through consistently with them which is why it can be a wise choice to seek help. 

Bonerrific - if you haven't already, check out the "Road to recovery" section on the home page and watch the videos there too.  That information (especially the stuff from yourbrainonporn.com) helped me immensely to make a firm decision to delete my entire porn archive in one shot and to quit porn for good.  Once I had the understanding, I never looked back.  That was over a year ago.
« Last Edit: July 15, 2014, 07:54:48 AM by sender »

Bibbity

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Re: I can't goddamn do this...
« Reply #13 on: July 15, 2014, 12:11:00 PM »
Sender we are all trying to do our best to help others. There are many different ways to approach addiction and depression. I see you have 4 posts here and I really hope you will decide to post more to help others.  My experience is the more people that respond the more ideas are generated and something that someone says might spark a true change for someone!
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

Viper

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Re: I can't goddamn do this...
« Reply #14 on: July 15, 2014, 09:31:53 PM »
Hey Sender,
there's really nothing unique about this guy's depression.
PIED by principle is depressing as it is.

I have yet to meet someone during a reboot who did not get depressed in the process.
If not at the inception.
This is no pony ride.
You feel like shit and before you know it, you start acting like shit.
And part of the depression is because you don't know when it's gonna turn
around for you. And you're hoping the bottom don't drop before it happens.

Vast majority of people come on board this forum and is really seeking some
advice and comfort. Then there are those who pretty much say that they're
gonna succumb to this because nothing works. Ok, nice knowing you  8)

There's nothing new in this case that's not going on with members of
this forum right now. Or haven't been going on with guys like me.
I think you should read a lot of the older journals in the age range
boards and you'll see it's par for the course.


Vincent

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Re: I can't goddamn do this...
« Reply #15 on: July 16, 2014, 01:54:54 AM »
Hey, Bonerrific,
I think I know what you're going trough. I am/was/am at the same point as you. Always on the brink of relapse. The others are right: Willpower alone is not gonna cut it. For me the main problem is also availability. So therefore I severed this one. I installed 3 Plugings which block porn and other related stuff (child protection ssoftware) and deleted all other Browsers (IE is kind of bugged so you can only restrain it/take away all permissions). I did the same thing on my phone. Of course I could circumvent these plugins but my pride -> and this is where the willpower will emerge! - keeps me from it.
If this is not possible for you, you may even have to follow briank's advice.

Basically: your addiction is pretty advanced! Your urge is stronger than your ability to restrain yourself. If you really went as far as doing it outside your home/at work, NOW is the time to react before it may become worse. Now is the time for you to take the fast but basic steps.

1. Cut ties: You need to force yourself away from porn. Parental control on ALL devices, if necessary, hardcore siteblocker like children PC clients with a whitelist/blacklist and randomly created password, which you will hand to a trusted person the instant you used it -> so no time to memorise it. (for Smartphones you find certain Apps able to do that as well.)

2. set small goals. Bar on 7 days. After seven days you advance to 8 and so on. You will have to go step by step. Otherwise you may lose courage to go on.

3. Deal with withdrawl. Everytime I am tempted and arguing with myself whether I should or not I do: 10 Push ups, 20 Sit ups, and 10 Push ups (of course you can create an own routine). After this I usually don't try again. But if I really do I repeat the routine.  -> we basically conditioned ourselves to the easy use of porn. This short workout is a simple counter-conditioning. You can put yourself in control this way.

4. Shift your addiction to a less harmful subject. I usually do not recommend this, because it can create the same problem at another place. But if the addiction is out of control there might only be another addiction able to draw your attention. these could be: Swimming, Running (these draw you away from your devices and you cant do them for to long - not consuming your entire free time). Onthers are: canoe, cycling, skating etc. For me cooking (the whole routine from choosing a recipe, figure out what I have at home, buy stuff, invite friends, cooking, eating together) fills a whole saturday making it pornfree. But every other distraction that can't be binged on as easy as porn (TV shows, Film etc. are not a good choice) is fine.

5. Figure out WHY it is essential for you to stop. You only will be able to stop yourself watching porn if you understand why you need to do it. This means to convince yourself. and this only is possible step by step!!!!! you can go 7 Days? great! now try 8. Every time yo do that you will see that it is you who is in charge. You control your habit.  But also relapses are part of the process. two and a half days ago I relapsed, making me feel the worst. But then I really started to understand HOW ADDICTED I am. Due to this process I may try to google my favourite Pornstare once in a while but because of the blockers there are no results and I simply give up then. At the beginning of reboot I was binge-searching just to get a result. This search of course was then complemented by the Dopamine explosion after finding the desired. So there was a learning effect for me. Perhaps this can work on you as well.

Finally: There is no way that you cannot make it! keep that in mind! Although everybody here has or had the same problem, approaches to solve it are completely differnt. You have to try and find out more about your addiction and addictions in general. Maybe even an addiction guide from another field can help like quitting to smoke or shopping frenzy.

I always approached this subject - naturally because It destroyes my life - way to emotional. This time I tried a more analytical approach, postponing my urges to the solution and giving me an objective view. For me this means to distance myself from my addiction after I acknowledging that I am addicted. Then find the best possible route to solve the problem.

Find yours' - your happiness is worth it, isn't it?




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