Author Topic: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal  (Read 83785 times)

SO Reboot Partner

  • Guest
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #75 on: May 11, 2014, 10:33:55 PM »
Yummy dinner tonight -

Grilled boneless / skinless Chicken marinaded in:
Handful of chopped candied Ginger
sprinkle of ground Ginger
teaspoon minced garlic
1/4 cup olive oil
1/2 cup soy sauce
3 tablespoons brown sugar
Smooch of Maker's Mark (smoky taste)
chopped fresh parsley

Marinade in bags in Fridge / grill with veggie kabobs, squash, onion, mushroom, peppers

It builds self esteem to feed yourself well!

lte

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 834
  • Personal Text
    Master Of My Domain
    • View Profile
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #76 on: May 11, 2014, 10:45:04 PM »
Yummy dinner tonight -

Grilled boneless / skinless Chicken marinaded in:
Handful of chopped candied Ginger
sprinkle of ground Ginger
teaspoon minced garlic
1/4 cup olive oil
1/2 cup soy sauce
3 tablespoons brown sugar
Smooch of Maker's Mark (smoky taste)
chopped fresh parsley

Marinade in bags in Fridge / grill with veggie kabobs, squash, onion, mushroom, peppers

It builds self esteem to feed yourself well!
And me on a diet. :).


Click my counter if you would like a counter of your own.


Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

Deuce26

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 53
  • Personal Text
    Persistance is omnipotent! R Kroc
    • View Profile
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #77 on: May 12, 2014, 08:59:46 AM »
Yummy dinner tonight -

Grilled boneless / skinless Chicken marinaded in:
Handful of chopped candied Ginger
sprinkle of ground Ginger
teaspoon minced garlic
1/4 cup olive oil
1/2 cup soy sauce
3 tablespoons brown sugar
Smooch of Maker's Mark (smoky taste)
chopped fresh parsley

Marinade in bags in Fridge / grill with veggie kabobs, squash, onion, mushroom, peppers

It builds self esteem to feed yourself well!
And me on a diet. :).
And me on a cleanse.....grrrr....

SO Reboot Partner

  • Guest
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #78 on: May 13, 2014, 06:56:51 AM »
And me on a diet. :).

And me on a cleanse.....grrrr....

Good food and good sex - isn't it funny how our attitudes change for these things as we age? Also how over-indulgence can harm our ability to enjoy them? I'm being only casually serious here.

I just turned the corner on "Fiddy" (50) a few months ago. I got my AARP card and an engraved formal invitation from my doctor for an exploratory colonoscopy (with my choice of chamber music or house blues). Add to that the extra-special good-time fun of marriage issues and one has a tangy mid-life marinade fit for grilling on a pit of despair.

But even in the face of these indignities you both remind me to laugh at myself, not take it too seriously, to savor life, practice prudence and love with abandon simultaneously. It is a gymnastic feat that has taken me decades to discover and your continued comments to define.

Keep journaling your thoughts. I need to stay focused on the prize.



Bibbity

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 425
    • View Profile
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #79 on: May 13, 2014, 12:14:46 PM »

Allergies are awful. I've known people that were terribly afflicted with them. I've heard that an allergist can work wonders with antigen therapy.

I slept! I didn't wake up struggling to breathe last night and I'm ready to take on the world, right after I finish sneezing.

I've done the allergy shots that look like 12,000 mile used motor oil (I'm allergic to everything), but I haven't really investigated the newer therapies.

My allergies were BAD until I went to a naturopathic DR who told me I needed a diet overhaul for a few months.  The diet regulated my out of whack hormones and got rid of my seasonal allergies!  My husbands allergies and asthma flair up if he consumes dairy (he did the shots too but they didn't do anything).  I am a firm believer in diet being a catalyst for illness.
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

Deuce26

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 53
  • Personal Text
    Persistance is omnipotent! R Kroc
    • View Profile
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #80 on: May 13, 2014, 04:45:50 PM »

I just turned the corner on "Fiddy" (50) a few months ago. I got my AARP card and an engraved formal invitation from my doctor for an exploratory colonoscopy (with my choice of chamber music or house blues). Add to that the extra-special good-time fun of marriage issues and one has a tangy mid-life marinade fit for grilling on a pit of despair.


Funny how I was never given the choice of music, but my proctologist kept me entertained anyway. I'm sure part of the entry requirements on becoming a proctologist is to have completed at least a couple years of standup.
And a colonoscopy.....so many analogies akin to marriage. I've had the pleasure....of BOTH... and they aren't so bad! Sometimes in life, you will feel a little pressure....and that too, shall pass.

lte

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 834
  • Personal Text
    Master Of My Domain
    • View Profile
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #81 on: May 13, 2014, 04:50:03 PM »

I just turned the corner on "Fiddy" (50) a few months ago. I got my AARP card and an engraved formal invitation from my doctor for an exploratory colonoscopy (with my choice of chamber music or house blues). Add to that the extra-special good-time fun of marriage issues and one has a tangy mid-life marinade fit for grilling on a pit of despair.


Funny how I was never given the choice of music, but my proctologist kept me entertained anyway. I'm sure part of the entry requirements on becoming a proctologist is to have completed at least a couple years of standup.
And a colonoscopy.....so many analogies akin to marriage. I've had the pleasure....of BOTH... and they aren't so bad! Sometimes in life, you will feel a little pressure....and that too, shall pass.
They knocked me out for mine.


Click my counter if you would like a counter of your own.


Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

Viper

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 500
  • Personal Text
    pray not for lighter load but for broader shoulder
    • View Profile
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #82 on: May 13, 2014, 11:36:40 PM »
Yummy dinner tonight -

Grilled boneless / skinless Chicken marinaded in:
Handful of chopped candied Ginger
sprinkle of ground Ginger
teaspoon minced garlic
1/4 cup olive oil
1/2 cup soy sauce
3 tablespoons brown sugar
Smooch of Maker's Mark (smoky taste)
chopped fresh parsley

Marinade in bags in Fridge / grill with veggie kabobs, squash, onion, mushroom, peppers

It builds self esteem to feed yourself well!

you know what they say, the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

 8)

SO Reboot Partner

  • Guest
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #83 on: May 14, 2014, 05:19:35 AM »
I'm posting this just as a reference point from my other journal on YBR. This was my first entry after learning about PMO and rebooting.

I need to remember her because I think I'm someone else now.


___________________________________________________________________________________

P and ED Stole My Marriage, I’m Stealing It Back
« on: August 13, 2013, 08:27:35 AM »


About three weeks ago, I left our two children (13 and 10) at home and made a surprise weekend visit to my husband’s office. This was a first. I always call and let him know out of respect. Quietly walking into his office, I found him M (unsuccessfully) to P. Instead of shrinking back, I walked right in.

This happy accident just might save our marriage. It was the final shake that woke me up.

For the past 7 or 8 years, we’ve been tip toeing around a snaggle-toothed ED monster thriving under our bed. We’ve been plodding along, thinking it was age or some other comforting reason. We had no idea ED had another more insidious friend.

I never imagined the ED was due to P. Like a lot of people, when ED became an issue 7 years ago, I assumed he could take a pill and fix it. As an O goal kind of person, I nagged until he went to the doctor. He went to the doctor. There were no physical reasons for the ED. He was given a prescription. It worked once. The full bottle is still in the medicine cabinet with two pills missing.

Looking back, I had caught other hints of P, twice in browser histories on home laptops (I threw a blue hissy), inexplicitly empty lotion bottles (“my legs are dry” he said), open P on his iPad and unexplained long hours spent at the office. I was sure at the time the years of increasing disconnection, gas lighting and his pushing me away was due an emotional or physical affair. It wasn’t, at least not with a real person.

I blamed myself for many years. I grieved the loss of our marriage, the trust, communication and intimacy we once had. I’ve been deeply depressed, less social, hiding my light under a bushel basket. I disconnected from friends and family.

All attempts at sex were failures. He didn’t want to cuddle or even kiss more than a peck. Every day he would kiss me and say I love you. It felt false. I lived without affection. I did not thrive.

I cried a lot spontaneously over the past seven years, first thing in the morning, before going to bed, on the way to work, in the grocery store, on flights to business meetings. It really isn’t like me. I hate myself for all the crying. Unable to stop it, I’ve felt worthless and unworthy. Unable to concentrate and endure the travel away from my collapsing family, I quit my six figure job three years ago. I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I was sure everyone could clearly see what a failure I was as a wife, what I liar I was pretending to be successful.

I confided in no one about my marital problems or why I was so sad. He didn’t want to listen to it, refused to acknowledge my pain. He was happy, why couldn’t I just chin up and be happy? He seemed content to work long hours and be a quiet ghost at home.

My gut said something was terribly wrong. I had no clear evidence. Every time I brought up the subject with him, I vowed never to bring it up again. I shouldered the blame for my concern and pain, saying it was menopause. It was always frustrating because in my heart I knew it wasn’t, but in a small way blaming myself was better than listening to him blame me.

I was pretty sure he was in crisis too, although the possibility of infidelity overshadowed it. He became increasingly angry when I tried to talk to him about the ED. He questioned my fidelity. I see now that the ED and secrets were really wearing on him too.

I read some entries on the experience project about xless marriages. I felt doomed to live the rest of my life without affection, trust, intimacy. Reading those posts I knew I don’t want that kind of resentment and anger in my life, even if I could identify with them.

My sadness was a cloud that changed the temperature of our home. He would tell me he wasn’t responsible for my happiness, that I should divorce him. He never suggested filing himself. He said he was perfectly happy, there was no other woman. He said he was at work and he was. He supported feelings of thinking I was crazy, selfish for wanting an intimate relationship.

I secretly filled out the divorce papers once, but couldn’t face telling the kids I broke up our family. I didn’t tell him either.

My health has suffered. I developed back and hip pain that could not be explained by my doctor or the second and third opinions. I stopped caring for myself. My sleep became erratic. I felt constant pain in my joints. My blood pressure required medication. My immune system took a hit. Thankfully, my silence meant I didn’t take medication for depression.

I gained weight, so did he. I was in good shape when the ED started, kickboxing 3 times a week. I started bathing only once or twice a week for the last year or so. In a sick way, being undesirable was comforting, because at least I felt more in control of his neglect. I made excuses to sleep on the couch on anniversaries and birthdays, dreading another reminder of failure. This arrangement became more the norm than exception as time went on.

He stopped making mundane repairs around the house early on. He complained and shamed me for poor housekeeping.

Earlier this summer his language reflected a refusal to commit to any future. There was no emotional investment, for me or our kids. I had no concrete idea why, suspicions but no evidence. I was sure it was another woman, not just ED.

As parents we functioned at the lowest level. The kids have suffered. He began to disconnect even from them, choosing to work late and practically all weekend at the office instead of attending school functions or family night at summer camp. Everyone’s self-esteem was low, his, mine, the kids. Recently, our youngest told me about a ‘nightmare’ where Mommy and Daddy got a divorce. The look on my child’s face gave me the strength to approach him again.

I am no fool, although I’ve acted foolishly. Even writing this out now, I have to wonder why I ever endured any of it. I am educated. I am capable, logical, tenacious, loving. I know this was no way to live. I am ashamed for letting it happen. I am so much better than this.

I’m approaching 50, born in the Year of the Dragon, according to calendars in Chinese restaurants.

His embarrassment when I boldly walked in on him in the office was the final straw. He’s been very careful, hiding it away at the office. He’s always been clever, one of the things l love about him.

He was pretty shaken when I entered his office. I really didn’t care. We talked for several hours. He tried to gaslight me, making the P my fault. It didn’t’ work. I didn’t shout. I didn’t coddle him. I was blunt and matter of fact, the way I used to be.

I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I never want to see that look again on my child’s face. I told him so.

I stopped crying and found my inner dragon. It was like something cracked open and the real me began to re-emerge.

He admitted that he was no longer able to sustain an erection even with P, just as passing comment. I told him if we divorced because of this I would call his second wife “Daddy’s new vj” or “my sister wife”. We laughed about this, because he knows I’m only half joking. I will always be the first wife and mother of his children. He has to deal with me, the real live fire breathing dragon, for the rest of his life. Poor guy. The flip side of that coin is I will always have to deal with him. I told him I would not divorce him, right now, but we needed to be a couple again. Together we are supernova. He knows this. I made it clear that everything was at stake for him.

He seemed genuinely relieved.

Before I left, he hugged me hard. I hugged back just as hard. I truly believe we are evenly yoked as they say.

I still didn’t understand the P and ED connection until three days later. I was searching for ED solutions, plodding through all the stuff I had already reviewed. I found YBoP and the Reboot. I watched videos. I read everything I could. I shared all of this with him. It was an epiphany for both of us. He’s been no PMO for 14 days. He’s visited the Reddit forum. He seems determined to stop with the P.

He’s worn a rubber band on his wrist to snap when he has the urge to glance at some P. That sounds hokey, but it was a small independent decision on his part to take control of the addiction. He’s reconnecting. He’s coming home earlier. He makes a bee line for me, wherever I am in the house. He’s been more attentive with the kids. He’s begun to address the much needed little repairs around the house or hired contractors. For now he’s trying to act like my husband, a father to our kids. He seems grateful for every kindness I do for him.

After 14 days without P he seems happier. I’m happier, hopeful. I speed read CPA. Transitioning away from goals is difficult. I’ve started a slower re-read and I’m picking up more as I go along. We engage in karezza every day, sometimes two or three times.

I warned him a flat line could emerge in the next few weeks where his returning libido collapses during the reboot. We’ve talked about withdrawal symptoms and how to pick ourselves up from that.

While putting up a strong front, I began to hold back a little early on, waiting for the other shoe to drop, a relapse. I realize this is just the initial wave. He’s improved, maybe too quickly, but my trust needs healing too. I’ve wondered if there is more betrayal I don’t know about. I’ve decided to forgive what I don’t know and focus on the future.

My enemy is not him; it is the behavior. I’ve done my best let go of the past. Even writing these down I feel the past holds less power over me. The karezza and bonding has really helped me muffle the voices of doubt. It is like a soft, fat warm rain after a seven year drought. I want this to last.

Last weekend, sitting on the couch the soles of our feet touching, I felt a contentment and hope I hadn’t felt in a very long time.

I’ve hurt myself and my family enough over this. I have my own self-betrayal to address while supporting him. He didn’t make me accept being treated like this, avoid bathing or allow my mental and physical health to wane. He made it easier to do, but at the end of the day I did those things. I fully expect his support while I heal too. Self-pity seems to have its own set of addictive triggers. I want my own addiction cycle broken, reduced to ashes. I want to move on from this.

Robert Browning said that a marriage isn’t about just finding the right person; it is about being the right person. I feel a need to get right while my partner gets right.

So here’s my task list:
1.   Make home and family our sanctuary. This is for the kids, me and him. More than just good housekeeping, we need to be a functioning family. Game night, meals together at the table, no disconnection.
2.   Redecorate our bedroom from the bordello red to something more soothing. I want a new space that doesn’t remind me of all that crying. There may be a ritual burning of curtains. I dislike them so much now.
3.   Filters on everything. No P available in the house. He wasn’t using at the house, but no need to leave that gate open.
4.   Address the triggers at work. He has to do this with accountability. It is non-negotiable. He knows the consequences.
5.   Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, kid activities and accomplishments will be celebrated as a family. No excuses for work will be tolerated. Pixels and people at work don’t pick your retirement home. Plan accordingly. Gift thoughtfully.
6.   Disagree respectfully. Acknowledge the concerns of others, but don’t be a doormat. No gas lighting, ever.
7.   Reconnect with family, friends, and former business acquaintances.
8.   Let go of my own addictions, replace them with healthy alternatives. I’m a goal oriented person, so some things like karezza will be a big challenge.
9.   Show affection and feelings without fear of rejection or betrayal. (This is tough right now)
10.   Work toward seeing my husband as a whole person, instead of compartmentalizing him into provider, father, P addict and his past self. Help him do the same with me as we heal.
11.   Keep the future and continued healing the focus in our home, in our relationships and with the children. Don’t get stuck in useless past problem admiration, instead work the solutions, celebrate today’s success.
12.   Be mindful that my own acceptance of P influenced cultural definitions for femininity, beauty and xuality which can be destructive and lead to relapse of past behaviors.
13.   Swim. Watercolor. Write. Learn. Take online classes to refresh career resume.
14.   Love and forgive generously; eat the violators and burn the usurpers. This means we (both of us) need to work toward trust, disclosure while setting clear boundaries and have healthy, well measured responses ready when those boundaries are crossed.
I’ll try to write less next time. It just feels very good to get it all out there. I’ll journal again in a few days. We are jumping into this without a therapist, so the act of journaling and your comments are helpful for me – to keep me honest with myself and promote healing.

His PA history- 47, Used P as a teen, exclusively images from magazines. Stopped P for long time, no P during grad school (we were together then) started back up before the birth of our first child. PA has been ‘just looking’ at P 3-5 times (his estimation, which I think means more than a dozen) a day during work week and MO heavily on weekends and evenings, free (he says) vids and images only because he’s cheap and sneaky.

Thanks to anyone reading through all this for kind indulgence. Thought provoking questions welcome!

Wanttobebetter

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 91
    • View Profile
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #84 on: May 14, 2014, 11:13:08 AM »
That is an amazing journal entry! I'll have to read it a couple more times for all of it to sink in. What you wrote will provide help for countless others. I'll write more but at the moment words fail me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm certain it had great positive effect on you too. Well done!

STR

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 190
    • View Profile
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #85 on: May 14, 2014, 12:51:48 PM »
Just read through all of the entries in the journal, and wanted to comment on your husband's former office assistant.

Based on what you said (and on my own personal experience), I consider it highly likely that your husband (1) is sexually attracted to the assistant, (2) continues to (or at least, used to) fantasize about her sexually, whether during masturbation or otherwise, and (3) fantasizes about what it would be like to be married to her instead of to you. His recent efforts to have her work for/with him again (and his anger at you for messing up that plan) suggest that he still allows this woman to have a place in his brain/heart that should be reserved only for you.

I wonder whether, in your discussions with him about PMO, you broached the subject of ogling and fantasy? In my case, while I certainly used to look at lots of porn, I also used to ogle women on the streets and fantasize about them during masturbation, and during sex with my wife. I also had a few women that I knew personally that I was attracted to and that I prioritized above my wife in ways that I shouldn't have done. Ogling and fantasy caused at least as much damage to my marriage (and to my penis/libido) as did my viewing of porn.

It sounds to me as if your husband might be prioritizing his assistant over you in certain ways that he shouldn't, and part of me thinks you might want to broach that subject with him...

EDIT: I should add that I have felt "possessive" over the few women that I knew personally that I prioritized over my wife. Among other ways, this possessiveness manifested itself in feeling jealous if the women were spending time with men other than me, and in defending the women if my wife said anything negative about them. If your husband is showing signs of possessiveness in relation to another (especially, young and attractive) woman, that is a red flag that should be addressed.
« Last Edit: May 14, 2014, 01:20:41 PM by STR »

SO Reboot Partner

  • Guest
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #86 on: May 14, 2014, 04:47:06 PM »
Just read through all of the entries in the journal, and wanted to comment on your husband's former office assistant.

Based on what you said (and on my own personal experience), I consider it highly likely that your husband (1) is sexually attracted to the assistant, (2) continues to (or at least, used to) fantasize about her sexually, whether during masturbation or otherwise, and (3) fantasizes about what it would be like to be married to her instead of to you. His recent efforts to have her work for/with him again (and his anger at you for messing up that plan) suggest that he still allows this woman to have a place in his brain/heart that should be reserved only for you.

I wonder whether, in your discussions with him about PMO, you broached the subject of ogling and fantasy? In my case, while I certainly used to look at lots of porn, I also used to ogle women on the streets and fantasize about them during masturbation, and during sex with my wife. I also had a few women that I knew personally that I was attracted to and that I prioritized above my wife in ways that I shouldn't have done. Ogling and fantasy caused at least as much damage to my marriage (and to my penis/libido) as did my viewing of porn.

It sounds to me as if your husband might be prioritizing his assistant over you in certain ways that he shouldn't, and part of me thinks you might want to broach that subject with him...

EDIT: I should add that I have felt "possessive" over the few women that I knew personally that I prioritized over my wife. Among other ways, this possessiveness manifested itself in feeling jealous if the women were spending time with men other than me, and in defending the women if my wife said anything negative about them. If your husband is showing signs of possessiveness in relation to another (especially, young and attractive) woman, that is a red flag that should be addressed.

Yep. Everything. Yep.

I certainly agree with everything you've said here. Today was another example.

I have been working very hard, and getting no where when it comes to working as his assistant. At every turn, I feel like I am being setup to fail. Today I was given a task, a drop dead deadline and then he got mad when I couldn't meet it. It was impossible to complete and seemingly last minute. (I was with him at work all weekend and this task never came up.)

When I hit the fail-to-get-it-done in the office by the travel deadline, I quickly uploaded the documents and sent them to a printer in the city where he plans to travel. They will be picked up and taken to his hotel. (I even found an online coupon and got the job done at a 40% discount.)

He still found something to be angry about. And then he got very apologetic.

I'm really beside myself. Really. Beside myself. This isn't the first thing or the only thing.

I am competent. I have a master's degree for Cryin' out loud. I have swam with the corporate sharks, even if I act like Suzy homemaker (nothin' wrong with Suzy, so don't get offended). Also, I didn't get lunch so I'm like feeling jittery.

I still have more work to do tonight and he wants that sent to the hotel too. When I read this I feel very foolish.




lte

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 834
  • Personal Text
    Master Of My Domain
    • View Profile
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #87 on: May 14, 2014, 09:51:48 PM »
You shouldn't feel foolish. You're fighting to keep your family together. Don't give up.


Click my counter if you would like a counter of your own.


Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

Bibbity

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 425
    • View Profile
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #88 on: May 15, 2014, 09:12:56 AM »
You have nothing to feel foolish about!  This is all him here.

I do want to ask you a question though.  Why do you think this is about work?  I think it might be clear to most of us that his treatment of you has nothing to do with work or being a good assistant.  Something deeper is going on which I believe STR alluded to.
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

SO Reboot Partner

  • Guest
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #89 on: May 15, 2014, 11:28:48 AM »
You have nothing to feel foolish about!  This is all him here.

I do want to ask you a question though.  Why do you think this is about work?  I think it might be clear to most of us that his treatment of you has nothing to do with work or being a good assistant.  Something deeper is going on which I believe STR alluded to.

It is all a means to an ends, Bibbity.

If I fail as an assistant, he can feel justified hiring her, thus continuing the fantasy WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY being a great husband (in his mind) by reducing the wife's work stress and feeling triumphant luring the maiden away from the former snarling business partnership.

All that obsessive-fantasy-nourishing win - if I can be made to feel incompetent as an assistant.

Here's the thing. She makes too much money right now because he admiration-loaded up her salary at the old office when he wasn't the owner writing the checks. The additional variable overhead in our new office is not justifiable, IMHO and damn-fine financial analysis. Also, No. She will not work here.

EDIT: I really do see this happening. I'm a very practical person, not one to give in to conspiracies. Too many pieces fit that make this highly probable. Also, he whines about "needing" her help, less frequently as of late, but still.
« Last Edit: May 15, 2014, 12:19:34 PM by SO Reboot Partner »

lte

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 834
  • Personal Text
    Master Of My Domain
    • View Profile
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #90 on: May 15, 2014, 12:41:04 PM »
You have nothing to feel foolish about!  This is all him here.

I do want to ask you a question though.  Why do you think this is about work?  I think it might be clear to most of us that his treatment of you has nothing to do with work or being a good assistant.  Something deeper is going on which I believe STR alluded to.

It is all a means to an ends, Bibbity.

If I fail as an assistant, he can feel justified hiring her, thus continuing the fantasy WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY being a great husband (in his mind) by reducing the wife's work stress and feeling triumphant luring the maiden away from the former snarling business partnership.

All that obsessive-fantasy-nourishing win - if I can be made to feel incompetent as an assistant.

Here's the thing. She makes too much money right now because he admiration-loaded up her salary at the old office when he wasn't the owner writing the checks. The additional variable overhead in our new office is not justifiable, IMHO and damn-fine financial analysis. Also, No. She will not work here.

EDIT: I really do see this happening. I'm a very practical person, not one to give in to conspiracies. Too many pieces fit that make this highly probable. Also, he whines about "needing" her help, less frequently as of late, but still.
I think that you are handling this the right way. Fight to save your relationship and keep in mind that this is a symptom of his ongoing problems. It will get better as he gets further from PMO.


Click my counter if you would like a counter of your own.


Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

SO Reboot Partner

  • Guest
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #91 on: May 15, 2014, 01:19:51 PM »
You have nothing to feel foolish about!  This is all him here.

I do want to ask you a question though.  Why do you think this is about work?  I think it might be clear to most of us that his treatment of you has nothing to do with work or being a good assistant.  Something deeper is going on which I believe STR alluded to.

It is all a means to an ends, Bibbity.

If I fail as an assistant, he can feel justified hiring her, thus continuing the fantasy WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY being a great husband (in his mind) by reducing the wife's work stress and feeling triumphant luring the maiden away from the former snarling business partnership.

All that obsessive-fantasy-nourishing win - if I can be made to feel incompetent as an assistant.

Here's the thing. She makes too much money right now because he admiration-loaded up her salary at the old office when he wasn't the owner writing the checks. The additional variable overhead in our new office is not justifiable, IMHO and damn-fine financial analysis. Also, No. She will not work here.

EDIT: I really do see this happening. I'm a very practical person, not one to give in to conspiracies. Too many pieces fit that make this highly probable. Also, he whines about "needing" her help, less frequently as of late, but still.
I think that you are handling this the right way. Fight to save your relationship and keep in mind that this is a symptom of his ongoing problems. It will get better as he gets further from PMO.

I'm no hapless victim here. I got game and recognize game when I see it. The goal is to rid our marriage of the PMO, fantasy trash and start living like human beings.

I automated a lot of the work, which really reduced the need for an assistant with her particular skill set, so much of the "inadequacy test runs" come from manual administrative work.

It is getting better, but I can almost guarantee that during times of high stress he will pull a little trick or two.

lte

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 834
  • Personal Text
    Master Of My Domain
    • View Profile
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #92 on: May 15, 2014, 01:24:51 PM »
You seem to be taking the long view of all this, which is the way to go. I'm sure that it will pay off in the long run.


Click my counter if you would like a counter of your own.


Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

Bibbity

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ****

  • 425
    • View Profile
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #93 on: May 15, 2014, 04:02:47 PM »
SOBR have you talked to him about this issue?  I hate to harp on about it but it just seems that the issue of the assistant is being swept under the rug instead of being addressed head on with him.  I feel like you are playing some sort of game behind the scenes to thwart his plans instead of calling him out on being an asshole husband...or at least communicate about what this woman gives him etc. and how this turns him away from you.  He sees her as being able to fulfill a need that he is not getting from you (in his mind) because he is still under the illusion that it will only come from her, his fantasy.  This isn't about work.  It's about him turning away from you to get his needs met.  Confronting him will at least break the spell and get him to question that fantasy.

Maybe I am misunderstanding the issue and it certainly is none of my business but as a woman it's painful to see him treating you like this and you not confronting him about it.  He needs to be turning towards you at all times.  I disagree with LTE here.  Problems do not magically disappear if not dealt with.
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

SO Reboot Partner

  • Guest
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #94 on: May 15, 2014, 04:42:39 PM »
SOBR have you talked to him about this issue?  I hate to harp on about it but it just seems that the issue of the assistant is being swept under the rug instead of being addressed head on with him.  I feel like you are playing some sort of game behind the scenes to thwart his plans instead of calling him out on being an asshole husband...or at least communicate about what this woman gives him etc. and how this turns him away from you.  He sees her as being able to fulfill a need that he is not getting from you (in his mind) because he is still under the illusion that it will only come from her, his fantasy.  This isn't about work.  It's about him turning away from you to get his needs met.  Confronting him will at least break the spell and get him to question that fantasy.

Maybe I am misunderstanding the issue and it certainly is none of my business but as a woman it's painful to see him treating you like this and you not confronting him about it.  He needs to be turning towards you at all times.  I disagree with LTE here.  Problems do not magically disappear if not dealt with.

"SOBR have you talked to him about this issue? "

Why yes I have. I don't talk about how I feel about it more than I already have, because it doesn't matter right now. The thing is talking about my hurt feelings does not work when a) the guy is reinforcing his own delusion b) nagging, calling him an asshole doesn't make the case for "your fantasy lady is bad" it does make the case for "fantasy lady would not yell at me".

Talking about my feelings on this subject with him would be like talking to a wall. He's got to heal his PMO-brain-rot, I'm just making it very, very difficult for him to rationalize his possessiveness, objectification and inappropriate prioritization outside our marriage and start looking at who really loves and cares for him (that would be me).

I know this may seem weird, but he is improving. The frequency has kinda waned a bit, although a big contract payoff coming up would mean a lemme-have-my-assistant campaign. We'll see if it really does or not.

EDIT: He had contact (text, phonecall, visit to her office) with her almost everyday when we started the new office. Business, of course. After she dropped the ball on a very important project he wanted done, ah-not so much contact now.
« Last Edit: May 15, 2014, 05:07:01 PM by SO Reboot Partner »

lte

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 834
  • Personal Text
    Master Of My Domain
    • View Profile
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #95 on: May 15, 2014, 11:41:06 PM »
SOBR have you talked to him about this issue?  I hate to harp on about it but it just seems that the issue of the assistant is being swept under the rug instead of being addressed head on with him.  I feel like you are playing some sort of game behind the scenes to thwart his plans instead of calling him out on being an asshole husband...or at least communicate about what this woman gives him etc. and how this turns him away from you.  He sees her as being able to fulfill a need that he is not getting from you (in his mind) because he is still under the illusion that it will only come from her, his fantasy.  This isn't about work.  It's about him turning away from you to get his needs met.  Confronting him will at least break the spell and get him to question that fantasy.

Maybe I am misunderstanding the issue and it certainly is none of my business but as a woman it's painful to see him treating you like this and you not confronting him about it.  He needs to be turning towards you at all times.  I disagree with LTE here.  Problems do not magically disappear if not dealt with.

"SOBR have you talked to him about this issue? "

Why yes I have. I don't talk about how I feel about it more than I already have, because it doesn't matter right now. The thing is talking about my hurt feelings does not work when a) the guy is reinforcing his own delusion b) nagging, calling him an asshole doesn't make the case for "your fantasy lady is bad" it does make the case for "fantasy lady would not yell at me".

Talking about my feelings on this subject with him would be like talking to a wall. He's got to heal his PMO-brain-rot, I'm just making it very, very difficult for him to rationalize his possessiveness, objectification and inappropriate prioritization outside our marriage and start looking at who really loves and cares for him (that would be me).

I know this may seem weird, but he is improving. The frequency has kinda waned a bit, although a big contract payoff coming up would mean a lemme-have-my-assistant campaign. We'll see if it really does or not.

EDIT: He had contact (text, phonecall, visit to her office) with her almost everyday when we started the new office. Business, of course. After she dropped the ball on a very important project he wanted done, ah-not so much contact now.
I think you are in the right track. I see this as a symptom that goes hand in hand with PMO. If he stays PMO free he will not be as prone to objectification and his infatuation will run out of steam. Take it from one who has been there.


Click my counter if you would like a counter of your own.


Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

SO Reboot Partner

  • Guest
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #96 on: May 16, 2014, 07:02:20 AM »
Thank you Bibbity and LTE and STR. It takes a village. Your perspectives and insights are very helpful.

I've known this is a problem for a long time. I've never felt closer to completely resolving it until now.

It is a deep infatuation on his part. It is, I believe, economically based and work related on her part (she's younger, married with kids). She and her husband have financial difficulties. My infatuated husband and the former office have already been somewhat manipulated into a "bidding war" for her.

It isn't healthy for my husband to participate and I know I'm doing the right thing. Bibbity, I can do the talk thing when husband regains some human feelings and isn't awash in fantasitical ideas of this woman.

Also, I feel great this morning! Cinnamon rolls for the kids (and me).

Wanttobebetter

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 91
    • View Profile
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #97 on: May 16, 2014, 07:23:04 AM »
Cinnamon rolls are the universal fix-all for all the world's troubles!

Deuce26

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 53
  • Personal Text
    Persistance is omnipotent! R Kroc
    • View Profile
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #98 on: May 16, 2014, 10:29:13 AM »

He still found something to be angry about. And then he got very apologetic.

I'm really beside myself. Really. Beside myself. This isn't the first thing or the only thing.

I am competent. I have a master's degree for Cryin' out loud. I have swam with the corporate sharks, even if I act like Suzy homemaker (nothin' wrong with Suzy, so don't get offended). Also, I didn't get lunch so I'm like feeling jittery.

I still have more work to do tonight and he wants that sent to the hotel too. When I read this I feel very foolish.

My wife and I have both got to the point where we recognize that we may not be in a good frame of mind at all times when dealing with each other. It's amazing when you just ask the other partner if they are doing ok. It diffuses the situation.
It's hard not to take it personally, but I doubt your effort is to blame. He wasn't coming from the right frame of mind and somehow was taking out on you.
All things considered, life is very good. Sometimes we all forget to count our blessings first, and when we do that, it makes the troubles seem less important.
I think you are a very strong woman.....much like my wife, and I know the both of you can see more good than bad because if you didn't, you and my wife would be gone by now.
That just reminded me of a therapy session a couple years back when that sort of statement came up.
D

SO Reboot Partner

  • Guest
Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #99 on: May 16, 2014, 11:11:35 AM »

He still found something to be angry about. And then he got very apologetic.

I'm really beside myself. Really. Beside myself. This isn't the first thing or the only thing.

I am competent. I have a master's degree for Cryin' out loud. I have swam with the corporate sharks, even if I act like Suzy homemaker (nothin' wrong with Suzy, so don't get offended). Also, I didn't get lunch so I'm like feeling jittery.

I still have more work to do tonight and he wants that sent to the hotel too. When I read this I feel very foolish.

My wife and I have both got to the point where we recognize that we may not be in a good frame of mind at all times when dealing with each other. It's amazing when you just ask the other partner if they are doing ok. It diffuses the situation.
It's hard not to take it personally, but I doubt your effort is to blame. He wasn't coming from the right frame of mind and somehow was taking out on you.
All things considered, life is very good. Sometimes we all forget to count our blessings first, and when we do that, it makes the troubles seem less important.
I think you are a very strong woman.....much like my wife, and I know the both of you can see more good than bad because if you didn't, you and my wife would be gone by now.
That just reminded me of a therapy session a couple years back when that sort of statement came up.
D

I don't want to fight him. I want him to fight this brain demon. I want him to fight for himself. I want him to fight for us, the kids, our future.

Frankly, I see him as too weak to fight with right now. I like my fights fairly fought. Also, I don't want one side to win.