Author Topic: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal  (Read 82298 times)

SO Reboot Partner

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #50 on: April 18, 2014, 08:06:38 PM »
SO Reboot Partner I have read your journal and you are an amazing woman!  I am a wife of a PMO addict as well and can identify with so much that you have said.  Especially the 'enduring the sexless marriage' part.  Gosh that was tough for someone with a high sex drive.  I think about all the time wasted and it makes me feel pretty depressed if I dwell too long.  So of course I try not to.  I went to a church service last weekend with a friend (I'm not religious but some days I will try anything!) and the theme was faith, then I saw a YouTube video on faith from a spiritual teacher I subscribe to, so I knew it was a message I needed to hear.  Faith is when you believe something without really knowing it.  It's a choice.  I think for me every day is a leap of faith.  Faith that my husband has given up his habit for good, faith that he always found me desirable and faith that he really loves and cares for me.  Before this I questioned everything.  Even though our relationship has done a 180 and our sex life is wonderful the past year has been like an open wound that I've been trying to heal.  I don't even think I realized how hurt I was until we got our closeness back and I saw what was missing all that time.

Anyway good luck and know that you are not alone  :)

You are too kind. Thank you for your very needed good wishes and sharing the success of your reboot experience. I haven't checked lately, because this has been a busy week, but I hope you find the time to post your full success story sometime. (Please let me know when you do, I want to read it!)

I try not to dwell too much, although it may seem here that I do. Confining my thoughts to this journal really helps. The camaraderie is also priceless during recovery.  :)


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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #51 on: April 23, 2014, 12:08:49 AM »
Well, things are going well. We're "cuddling" and acting like a healthy couple again. Work life is good and growing at a brisk pace. He's connecting more with me and others.

The PIED is fading, but he expressed concern about 'reliability'.

My response was "It's a penis, not a geyser in Yellowstone. Nobody but me is taking a bus tour to see it. I'll wait for the show."

We are more relaxed about this whole PIED thing. I think that helps.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #52 on: April 23, 2014, 12:32:00 PM »
I think it's a bit funny how men can have this kind of anxiety with their wives. If we are willing to stick by them through all this than what's a few failed attempts to us. I enjoy the intimacy more then the end result. Realy what could be more intimate than working together through failures as well as successes. It sounds like you two are doing well.  :)

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #53 on: May 01, 2014, 10:26:54 PM »
Stress, Stress, STRESS!!!!

The past week or so has been one big bag of stress at work.

Tomorrow I will be dropping the kiddos off at a skate party. THREE HOURS of alone time for ADULT ENTERTAINMENT has been marked on the calendar with a firecracker sticker.

I am so sick and tired of being serious and worried about this whole thing. I just want to bang and laugh from my belly and feel something other than this toxic curiosity about what is going on with him down there or up in his head.


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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #54 on: May 02, 2014, 08:32:23 PM »
Emptied the house of kids and he's sitting in front of the TV. No interest. No investment.

Three hours of nuthin'


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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #55 on: May 03, 2014, 02:04:53 AM »
@ SO Reboot Partner
Quote
Emptied the house of kids and he's sitting in front of the TV. No interest. No investment.

Three hours of nuthin'

I am so very sorry to hear that. I hope the night ended a little better then it started. It is typical for guys to zombie out in front of the TV, and he may even be replacing one addiction with some other form of entertainment all while being oblivious to it.

I just want to encourage you to continue to be strong. We are all pulling for your husband to snap out of it. Just know you are not alone and we are here for you.
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SO Reboot Partner

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #56 on: May 03, 2014, 05:12:06 PM »
@ SO Reboot Partner
Quote
Emptied the house of kids and he's sitting in front of the TV. No interest. No investment.

Three hours of nuthin'

I am so very sorry to hear that. I hope the night ended a little better then it started. It is typical for guys to zombie out in front of the TV, and he may even be replacing one addiction with some other form of entertainment all while being oblivious to it.

I just want to encourage you to continue to be strong. We are all pulling for your husband to snap out of it. Just know you are not alone and we are here for you.

Thank you for all the good thoughts and your kind indulgence for me being a selfish cry baby.

I did kind of realize something, though, he's been on this second reboot since the end of March, with very little rewiring during that time. It has been pretty hit and miss, unlike during the first go around.

Libido is DOA right now. He's flat-lining, with the exception of a couple of "surges" during the 30+ day time frame.


SO Reboot Partner

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #57 on: May 03, 2014, 06:09:35 PM »
What do we really want and need from our sexual relationship?

I think this is a topic I need to discuss with the old man. I know, I know, we've talked about it before, but people (I'm looking at me) tend to add and subtract discussed goals/objectives to meet certain variable levels of mood and laziness. For example:

I have, on more than one occasion, expressed a level of frustration in his performance, YET did not jump in there to grab the bull by the horns. I complain about his lack of initiative while ignoring my own.

I think I have performance expectations that really don't matter. Truthfully, I love this man. He is trying. My issue has always been the disconnection and he's really putting forth an effort. (I'm typing this while he's starting a fire to grill and I'm waiting for a pot to boil for corn.)

These journal entries are very helpful in not only expressing my thoughts, but keeping my thinking in check with who I am as a wife and lover. It is true that when we point a finger at someone, four fingers point back at us.

Hum.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #58 on: May 06, 2014, 09:59:30 PM »
Still Here, taking it day by day.

We are busy at work. Tonight I made him take me out to a late dinner.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #59 on: May 06, 2014, 11:15:31 PM »
@ SO Reboot Partner
Quote
Emptied the house of kids and he's sitting in front of the TV. No interest. No investment.

Three hours of nuthin'

I am so very sorry to hear that. I hope the night ended a little better then it started. It is typical for guys to zombie out in front of the TV, and he may even be replacing one addiction with some other form of entertainment all while being oblivious to it.

I just want to encourage you to continue to be strong. We are all pulling for your husband to snap out of it. Just know you are not alone and we are here for you.

Thank you for all the good thoughts and your kind indulgence for me being a selfish cry baby.

I did kind of realize something, though, he's been on this second reboot since the end of March, with very little rewiring during that time. It has been pretty hit and miss, unlike during the first go around.

Libido is DOA right now. He's flat-lining, with the exception of a couple of "surges" during the 30+ day time frame.
You seem to be keeping a level head about all of this. Don't give up on him, don't give up on you.


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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #60 on: May 07, 2014, 02:12:05 AM »
@ SO Reboot Partner
Quote
Emptied the house of kids and he's sitting in front of the TV. No interest. No investment.

Three hours of nuthin'

I am so very sorry to hear that. I hope the night ended a little better then it started. It is typical for guys to zombie out in front of the TV, and he may even be replacing one addiction with some other form of entertainment all while being oblivious to it.

I just want to encourage you to continue to be strong. We are all pulling for your husband to snap out of it. Just know you are not alone and we are here for you.

Thank you for all the good thoughts and your kind indulgence for me being a selfish cry baby.

I did kind of realize something, though, he's been on this second reboot since the end of March, with very little rewiring during that time. It has been pretty hit and miss, unlike during the first go around.

Libido is DOA right now. He's flat-lining, with the exception of a couple of "surges" during the 30+ day time frame.
You seem to be keeping a level head about all of this. Don't give up on him, don't give up on you.

Seem and reality might be two different things! It is helpful to vent and rant, but when I read some of my own writing a few days later, I think "what a whiner! the guy is trying".

Being married is like dancing the Tango, the music changes tempo and somebody is going to get kicked at some point. We have to be synchronized or take a tumble.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #61 on: May 07, 2014, 12:27:41 PM »
Quote
It is helpful to vent and rant, but when I read some of my own writing a few days later, I think "what a whiner! the guy is trying".

Let's just say you are a lot nicer than I have been!  I mean yes he is trying but you have every right to "whine"....aka FEEL ;)
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

SO Reboot Partner

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #62 on: May 07, 2014, 02:14:55 PM »
Quote
It is helpful to vent and rant, but when I read some of my own writing a few days later, I think "what a whiner! the guy is trying".

Let's just say you are a lot nicer than I have been!  I mean yes he is trying but you have every right to "whine"....aka FEEL ;)


I don't enjoy feeling like crap by reliving a theatrical past I don't want to repeat. It makes no sense to me. Sure I have to right to be miserable, but I don't have to feel miserable.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #63 on: May 07, 2014, 02:51:42 PM »
I didn't enjoy feeling like crap either.  I guess for me it was important to just get my emotions out.  I didn't want to keep feeling those emotions.  The more I resisted feeling like crap, the crappier I would end up feeling.  Maybe my issues are not your issues but for me I kept feeling like I had to be the ever loving supportive spouse and constantly be in my masculine.  What I really wanted was to just be in my feminine where I was not in control of everything or "powering through" stuff.  That, for me, was exhausting.  I needed him to take care of me too.  I never judged myself for anything I was going through.

Everyone has their own path and you are doing great!
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

SO Reboot Partner

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #64 on: May 07, 2014, 06:41:07 PM »
I didn't enjoy feeling like crap either.  I guess for me it was important to just get my emotions out.  I didn't want to keep feeling those emotions.  The more I resisted feeling like crap, the crappier I would end up feeling.  Maybe my issues are not your issues but for me I kept feeling like I had to be the ever loving supportive spouse and constantly be in my masculine.  What I really wanted was to just be in my feminine where I was not in control of everything or "powering through" stuff.  That, for me, was exhausting.  I needed him to take care of me too.  I never judged myself for anything I was going through.

Everyone has their own path and you are doing great!

I get where you're coming from and don't take what I say today as where I am 100% of the time. I've learned that he and I both are evolving creatures here. There are good and bad days.

I think my journal definitely shows I can let the emotions run free and wild, I just don't always like that a few days later. Control much SORP? Meh, probably.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #65 on: May 07, 2014, 09:47:24 PM »
Personally I don't see whining or ranting in your journal.  To me, it's all part of the "processing" process. 

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #66 on: May 07, 2014, 10:12:12 PM »
Personally I don't see whining or ranting in your journal.  To me, it's all part of the "processing" process.
I concur.


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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #67 on: May 08, 2014, 05:34:42 PM »
I think I have mentioned this once, but this week's stresses have brought it back into play some old wounds. I am pretty sure my husband was relying heavily on his former assistant for emotional support. He spoke of her constantly, her kids, her hobbies, likes and dislikes, the cute haircut she got, blah-blah-blah. He would tell his friends (in front of me) how lucky he was to have such a competent "smoking hot" assistant. Yeah, that one made me leave the room and cry.

Not an excuse, but the job and work environment before was like breathing molten lead. Toxic, painful and abusive - mainly because of one individual principle (not his assistant) in the organization. A lot has changed.

Since opening our own office, he can't rely on his assistant - it's just me now. I'm not as experienced and I have a ton of annoying questions. It has been frustrating for him (15+ yrs experience vs 3 months in an assistant). I have a skill set outside of this endeavor, with a little overlap, but still - I'm on a learning curve.

He's been under the delusion she will come work for him when operations allow for her salary demands. (I thought this was funny when he actually said it to me because I made 3x her salary in my last job - one of the tiny things I would cling to to keep from being overwhelmed by his opinion of her greatness.)

Anyway, I've been pretty glum about the inevitable comparisons. He's been quietly judgmental and very stingy with the encouragement with regards to my performance. It has been very difficult for me, used to being the top dog in my career work environment, to be so disregarded, found wanting in the final analysis.

For years I've endured how fantastic, good-looking and reliable this other person has been. I'm not the jealous type, but I'm not keen on being beaten about the face and neck with the positive attributes of others either. I've always suspected an emotional affair, one sided - on his part. This week I think the spell was broken.

He snapped at me a week or so ago when I called (his request) at the old office to see if she could do some very specific work. She played coy with me and frankly, I could do the work, so I kinda let it go and said I would do it. He was furious with me.

He contacted her directly and supposedly she was going to do the project. Well, that fell through.  She stopped by the office and played him right in front of me. When I say "played him" I mean she was very aware of his smitten state - Problem is she wasn't delivering the work load (mostly because she doesn't work for him anymore, also I suspect she enjoyed being fought over).

I got the work done and corrected her errors on what little she did do.

So he's moped around a bit, but I think he's come to the realization I'm not temporary; I'm not playing games. If we as a couple don't work out, trust me I can get a job outside his office. I'm doing this now for the family and the future.

Anyway, he actually complemented me and my work today. It is a big deal.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #68 on: May 08, 2014, 06:05:06 PM »
I think I have mentioned this once, but this week's stresses have brought it back into play some old wounds. I am pretty sure my husband was relying heavily on his former assistant for emotional support. He spoke of her constantly, her kids, her hobbies, likes and dislikes, the cute haircut she got, blah-blah-blah. He would tell his friends (in front of me) how lucky he was to have such a competent "smoking hot" assistant. Yeah, that one made me leave the room and cry.

Not an excuse, but the job and work environment before was like breathing molten lead. Toxic, painful and abusive - mainly because of one individual principle (not his assistant) in the organization. A lot has changed.

Since opening our own office, he can't rely on his assistant - it's just me now. I'm not as experienced and I have a ton of annoying questions. It has been frustrating for him (15+ yrs experience vs 3 months in an assistant). I have a skill set outside of this endeavor, with a little overlap, but still - I'm on a learning curve.

He's been under the delusion she will come work for him when operations allow for her salary demands. (I thought this was funny when he actually said it to me because I made 3x her salary in my last job - one of the tiny things I would cling to to keep from being overwhelmed by his opinion of her greatness.)

Anyway, I've been pretty glum about the inevitable comparisons. He's been quietly judgmental and very stingy with the encouragement with regards to my performance. It has been very difficult for me, used to being the top dog in my career work environment, to be so disregarded, found wanting in the final analysis.

For years I've endured how fantastic, good-looking and reliable this other person has been. I'm not the jealous type, but I'm not keen on being beaten about the face and neck with the positive attributes of others either. I've always suspected an emotional affair, one sided - on his part. This week I think the spell was broken.

He snapped at me a week or so ago when I called (his request) at the old office to see if she could do some very specific work. She played coy with me and frankly, I could do the work, so I kinda let it go and said I would do it. He was furious with me.

He contacted her directly and supposedly she was going to do the project. Well, that fell through.  She stopped by the office and played him right in front of me. When I say "played him" I mean she was very aware of his smitten state - Problem is she wasn't delivering the work load (mostly because she doesn't work for him anymore, also I suspect she enjoyed being fought over).

I got the work done and corrected her errors on what little she did do.

So he's moped around a bit, but I think he's come to the realization I'm not temporary; I'm not playing games. If we as a couple don't work out, trust me I can get a job outside his office. I'm doing this now for the family and the future.

Anyway, he actually complemented me and my work today. It is a big deal.
Before overcoming the P&M issues my attitude towards women was a bit possessive. I've been moving in the right direction for years, but I put the finishing touches on that progress when I rebooted. Hopefully your SO will do the same.


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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #69 on: May 09, 2014, 06:36:35 AM »

Before overcoming the P&M issues my attitude towards women was a bit possessive. I've been moving in the right direction for years, but I put the finishing touches on that progress when I rebooted. Hopefully your SO will do the same.

He has been possessive with her. I think he tried to control the outward expression of that possessiveness, not always well. But this week's snafu, as tame as I made it seem in my narrative, was kind of embarrassing.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #70 on: May 09, 2014, 06:55:15 AM »

Before overcoming the P&M issues my attitude towards women was a bit possessive. I've been moving in the right direction for years, but I put the finishing touches on that progress when I rebooted. Hopefully your SO will do the same.

He has been possessive with her. I think he tried to control the outward expression of that possessiveness, not always well. But this week's snafu, as tame as I made it seem in my narrative, was kind of embarrassing.
Hopefully he will leave this sort of behavior behind as then effects of rebooting accrue.


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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #71 on: May 09, 2014, 10:57:12 PM »
I went to the doctor today. I have not been feeling well due to the annual pollen poisoning and near asthmatic symptoms.  Allergies. If anyone would like some, I have plenty to spare. If you wait a couple of weeks, I can throw in a pound of mosquitoes. They are free-range and grown locally.

Every year I fall into the same trap. I really love spring. New growth and all the green replacing the grey dead colors just inspires me. I forget how much Mother Nature hates me, how my body over-reacts to the pollen. I forget to employ the special cocktail of half witchcraft and half science that allows me to breathe somewhat normally. Wild Honey in herbal tea followed by a oddly shaped pill and shot of steroids up the nose before bed - if my chest feels tight, I take a little puff or two on an inhaler  - yaaas, sweet comfort.

In years past I would let myself get very sick at times before seeking help. Thinking I could kick it myself, I kicked myself.  Allergies can turn into respiratory infections and once pneumonia when left to beat down the defenses.

I am proud of myself for not waiting this year.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #72 on: May 10, 2014, 12:25:35 AM »
I went to the doctor today. I have not been feeling well due to the annual pollen poisoning and near asthmatic symptoms.  Allergies. If anyone would like some, I have plenty to spare. If you wait a couple of weeks, I can throw in a pound of mosquitoes. They are free-range and grown locally.

Every year I fall into the same trap. I really love spring. New growth and all the green replacing the grey dead colors just inspires me. I forget how much Mother Nature hates me, how my body over-reacts to the pollen. I forget to employ the special cocktail of half witchcraft and half science that allows me to breathe somewhat normally. Wild Honey in herbal tea followed by a oddly shaped pill and shot of steroids up the nose before bed - if my chest feels tight, I take a little puff or two on an inhaler  - yaaas, sweet comfort.

In years past I would let myself get very sick at times before seeking help. Thinking I could kick it myself, I kicked myself.  Allergies can turn into respiratory infections and once pneumonia when left to beat down the defenses.

I am proud of myself for not waiting this year.
Allergies are awful. I've known people that were terribly afflicted with them. I've heard that an allergist can work wonders with antigen therapy.


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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #73 on: May 10, 2014, 06:47:05 AM »

Allergies are awful. I've known people that were terribly afflicted with them. I've heard that an allergist can work wonders with antigen therapy.

I slept! I didn't wake up struggling to breathe last night and I'm ready to take on the world, right after I finish sneezing.

I've done the allergy shots that look like 12,000 mile used motor oil (I'm allergic to everything), but I haven't really investigated the newer therapies.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #74 on: May 10, 2014, 07:39:59 AM »

Allergies are awful. I've known people that were terribly afflicted with them. I've heard that an allergist can work wonders with antigen therapy.

I slept! I didn't wake up struggling to breathe last night and I'm ready to take on the world, right after I finish sneezing.

I've done the allergy shots that look like 12,000 mile used motor oil (I'm allergic to everything), but I haven't really investigated the newer therapies.
Maybe they can help in ways that they couldn't before.


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