Author Topic: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal  (Read 83026 times)

SO Reboot Partner

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #25 on: April 04, 2014, 06:44:54 AM »
Ok, I've been very busy. Sometimes busy is code for something else, but in this instance it means I haven't made the time to journal because I've been doing something else.

We continue to grow the business with some success.

He is very adamant that he will more fully explore the reboot. He's flatlining now, no libido. While I think this was concerning the time around, this time he understands that he is healing.
It sounds like he is taking responsibility for himself. That has to be a good thing,

I hope so. I feel kind of reluctant to give him too much praise at this point. He's got to deal with it, to be well and balanced for his own reasons, not for an ego boost "ata boy" from me.


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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #26 on: April 04, 2014, 07:26:18 AM »
Ok, I've been very busy. Sometimes busy is code for something else, but in this instance it means I haven't made the time to journal because I've been doing something else.

We continue to grow the business with some success.

He is very adamant that he will more fully explore the reboot. He's flatlining now, no libido. While I think this was concerning the time around, this time he understands that he is healing.
It sounds like he is taking responsibility for himself. That has to be a good thing,

I hope so. I feel kind of reluctant to give him too much praise at this point. He's got to deal with it, to be well and balanced for his own reasons, not for an ego boost "ata boy" from me.
Ultimately, he has to do it for the right reasons; because it's the right way to act within his relationship with you and because it's the right way to act for his own sake.


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SO Reboot Partner

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #27 on: April 04, 2014, 10:07:45 PM »

Quote
He's 47, sliding into 48.
We haven't always been this way. Also, during that seven years, we both worked very hard on our careers.
We've been together since undergrad.

Ok, so based on that, sounds like you were both ok
with not having sex.
I know someone close to me who is in a marriage like that. They really don't have sex and
they're ok with that until she gets mad at him. Then she'll bring up how they don't have
sex. So I'm always confused.

I think you came to the right place to confide and find the information to learn more
about what's going on. Because this is affecting more men than we think and the mainstream
media has not picked up on it.

I don't think I was ok with not having sex. I think I endured it.

I cried myself to sleep during those seven years. I woke up in tears. I felt helpless to change. I blamed myself. It didn't just feel like rejection. I can take rejection and move on. This was a mind-f@$k. It was like a lifetime prison sentence and the phantom itch in an amputated limb, all at the same time.

I couldn't breach the subject without drying my tears with brick of indifference. Perhaps this is the "getting mad" you see in the relationship you mention.

I got no comfort from him for what I was going through. He would go dark when I tried to talk about it, gaslight me, tell me I was just emotional (code for crazy). In the later years he would shame me by saying it was my problem for wanting intimacy with my husband because he "was perfectly happy". Ergo - there's something wrong with me.

I didn't think I would ever have sex again. I was made to feel inadequate. As patient and kind as I have tried to be for him and us during the reboot, I really hate him for that. I hate myself for letting it happen, twice now.

I don't have the luxury of living in that past anymore. I need connection and intimacy. I need the respect that comes with liking oneself.

SO Reboot Partner

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #28 on: April 04, 2014, 11:17:15 PM »
As any reader can tell from my last post, I'm not feeling the love here at home. I need to have some toe-cracking congenial relations with the old man, but he's flat lining and reworking the reward system.

It is a subjective thing, these feelings, reflected in the eyes and immeasurable. I can't reduce it to a cost-benefit analysis or fit it into a formula. It is an itch and pain no one can feel but me.

I've been sleeping on the couch again, restless and unable to still my thoughts next to his living corpse. It simply stinks to be part of a couple that is unbalanced in libido.

The partner with the lowest drive gets the final say in the matter, at least that is what I have read. I don't want to read right now.

Logically, I understand he has a lack of drive I can't understand. He's working the reboot and I believe, for no other reason than I want to believe it. He isn't talking about it, sharing his concern, if he has any. He's not jittery or abrupt with me. He's just blah.

I'm working tomorrow with him at the office. He wants me there with him so he "isn't temped to visit the computer". What a compliment that is, being a presence that can squash the P craves. I know I should be appreciative that he is trying, but he needs to try a little faster.

I'm frustrated and probably going to have some chocolate and try to sleep in the bed instead of the couch.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #29 on: April 04, 2014, 11:24:39 PM »
As any reader can tell from my last post, I'm not feeling the love here at home. I need to have some toe-cracking congenial relations with the old man, but he's flat lining and reworking the reward system.

It is a subjective thing, these feelings, reflected in the eyes and immeasurable. I can't reduce it to a cost-benefit analysis or fit it into a formula. It is an itch and pain no one can feel but me.

I've been sleeping on the couch again, restless and unable to still my thoughts next to his living corpse. It simply stinks to be part of a couple that is unbalanced in libido.

The partner with the lowest drive gets the final say in the matter, at least that is what I have read. I don't want to read right now.

Logically, I understand he has a lack of drive I can't understand. He's working the reboot and I believe, for no other reason than I want to believe it. He isn't talking about it, sharing his concern, if he has any. He's not jittery or abrupt with me. He's just blah.

I'm working tomorrow with him at the office. He wants me there with him so he "isn't temped to visit the computer". What a compliment that is, being a presence that can squash the P craves. I know I should be appreciative that he is trying, but he needs to try a little faster.

I'm frustrated and probably going to have some chocolate and try to sleep in the bed instead of the couch.
I think that all of this points up how badly porn addiction harms the innocent partner. I hope that he makes rapid progress; for the sake of everyone involved.


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Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward

SO Reboot Partner

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #30 on: April 04, 2014, 11:46:57 PM »
As any reader can tell from my last post, I'm not feeling the love here at home. I need to have some toe-cracking congenial relations with the old man, but he's flat lining and reworking the reward system.

It is a subjective thing, these feelings, reflected in the eyes and immeasurable. I can't reduce it to a cost-benefit analysis or fit it into a formula. It is an itch and pain no one can feel but me.

I've been sleeping on the couch again, restless and unable to still my thoughts next to his living corpse. It simply stinks to be part of a couple that is unbalanced in libido.

The partner with the lowest drive gets the final say in the matter, at least that is what I have read. I don't want to read right now.

Logically, I understand he has a lack of drive I can't understand. He's working the reboot and I believe, for no other reason than I want to believe it. He isn't talking about it, sharing his concern, if he has any. He's not jittery or abrupt with me. He's just blah.

I'm working tomorrow with him at the office. He wants me there with him so he "isn't temped to visit the computer". What a compliment that is, being a presence that can squash the P craves. I know I should be appreciative that he is trying, but he needs to try a little faster.

I'm frustrated and probably going to have some chocolate and try to sleep in the bed instead of the couch.
I think that all of this points up how badly porn addiction harms the innocent partner. I hope that he makes rapid progress; for the sake of everyone involved.

If I hadn't put up with this for so long, maybe it wouldn't be so ingrained. That thought has crossed my mind too, although maybe it is part of the problem.

I didn't know about PIED or PMO, but I did know something was wrong. Ignorance doesn't make me innocent. I own a 50% share in the success and failures of my marriage. Just being accountable here.

I really mean it this time, I'm going to sleep. Things may look differently in the morning.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #31 on: April 05, 2014, 12:19:06 AM »
At least he's putting forth effort. Don't let it embitter you. No one wins when that happens.


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SO Reboot Partner

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #32 on: April 05, 2014, 03:24:29 PM »
Dragged out of bed and put in a six hour "half day" of work. Accomplished a lot.

I let him know I'm feeling a little frustrated and unimportant in his life right now. He was affirming, but in a distant way. He helped me clean house and got the kids up and moving. This is an improvement because in addition to working in the office for free, I was also supposed to clean, cook and wrangle the kids.

I'm not bitter, just impatient.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #33 on: April 05, 2014, 03:51:34 PM »
Dragged out of bed and put in a six hour "half day" of work. Accomplished a lot.

I let him know I'm feeling a little frustrated and unimportant in his life right now. He was affirming, but in a distant way. He helped me clean house and got the kids up and moving. This is an improvement because in addition to working in the office for free, I was also supposed to clean, cook and wrangle the kids.

I'm not bitter, just impatient.
I have the impression that he's, at least trying.


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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #34 on: April 05, 2014, 03:52:14 PM »
@ SO Reboot Partner
Quote
I'm not bitter, just impatient.

It is completely understandable for you to feel that way. You are doing a fantastic job as his partner and I hope one day he sees it. PMO is very good at blinding a man to the beautiful little things in life. So don't expect much appreciation for small things at first. Hopefully as he reboots he will express more appreciation and joy towards you and your help.

Just wanted to say keep truckin you're doing great.. A man couldn't ask for more.
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SO Reboot Partner

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #35 on: April 05, 2014, 06:59:13 PM »
Thanks Gabe and LTE, You and others are why I journal here. Thank you for keeping me reasonable and honest. It means a lot.


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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #36 on: April 05, 2014, 10:44:27 PM »
What you have to endure as a partner is unbelievably challenging.  Navigating your way through it requires so much patience and vulnerability on your part, and most people have no idea what you go through.  You are to be commended, SO!

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #37 on: April 06, 2014, 01:01:19 AM »
What you have to endure as a partner is unbelievably challenging.  Navigating your way through it requires so much patience and vulnerability on your part, and most people have no idea what you go through.  You are to be commended, SO!

I really appreciate that. I know I'm really in a grumbling rut right now. I can step back and understand that it doesn't accomplish much, but it doesn't stop me from complaining.

I know I'm being a big baby here. I am thankful for your kind indulgence.

I miss my man and I want him to succeed at this.

SO Reboot Partner

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #38 on: April 06, 2014, 06:59:21 PM »
Okay, I'm tired of this dragon riding me, time to take the reins and get somewhere.

I can mope and schlep through this or I can get it going on. Husband will be what he needs to be. If successful, will he want to be with someone drag-ashing in the past and down? No. If unsuccessful, do I need to be down? No, I do not.

I got a lot accomplished today. This makes me feel good. I have a lot more to do, but I can't worry about that now. It will get done, just not right now. No one thinks I'm behind on anything but me.

I have a day of "beauty maintenance" planned next Saturday. I'm going to meet a friend for lunch afterwards and we will talk about everything other than this.

I am going to take advantage of opportunities for kindness this week. I will be a peace maker instead of wrapped up in my own problems.

I am not going to work late. It only makes me tired and anxious. I want to have dinner as a family.

I will not sleep on the couch.




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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #39 on: April 06, 2014, 07:39:16 PM »
I love the attitude and the plans!

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #40 on: April 10, 2014, 06:07:13 AM »
I had one of those days, you know the type, everything thing I touched turned to crap.

So my frustration, wrapped in trust issues, is just not going away. This morning we talked. He's been struggling with anxiety and not talking about it. I'm struggling with the trust/frustration thing. It is a bad combination for the relationship ju-ju.

Good news is we have a plan to thwart the anxiety and the trust issues.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #41 on: April 10, 2014, 03:49:24 PM »
I'm sorry you had a difficult day.

I just want to say my patience and love win the battle.

I understand his anxiety, and I sure sympathize with your trust and frustration feelings. You two are together and talking this makes all possible. Hope.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #42 on: April 11, 2014, 08:47:36 PM »
Something I wrote in an earlier post "I don't have the luxury of living in that past anymore. I need connection and intimacy. I need the respect that comes with liking oneself."

We had a very open conversation this week and that was the theme. We both need this, to like ourselves, be comfortable with who we are and be intimate together.

I'm still struggling with trusting myself and him, but we are still trying here. None of this is easy. I think the first go around I really burred all my trust issues. That is a dangerous game when there's a relapse. I feel like I have forgiven, but I can't forget. It is just very hard to walk into a buzzsaw twice in a lifetime. I don't like pain, especially that kind.

So tomorrow is the big "day of beauty maintenance". We are letting the kids go to the movies and skate with some friends, so we will have the afternoon to do our thing and try to reconnect with some karezza.

It is so difficult to be vulnerable. I know he feels it too. I've been standoffish, still ending up on the couch. I am trying. I just rationalize reasons to not be in the bedroom.

I haven't been sleeping well, which is a worry. During the first reboot, I slept like a baby, deeply and without concern when we were bonding. I'm back to the anxiousness that I felt in the dark years, not the worst of those days, but enough of a reminder that I feel desperate to avoid them again.

I described my feelings to him like a snake that eats its own tail, never really disappearing, just in perpetual existence. I want this feeling gone. I need reassurance and he needs it too.

I hope tomorrow is a another positive step towards wellness for both of us.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #43 on: April 11, 2014, 09:17:34 PM »
Sending you good thoughts for tomorrow!

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #44 on: April 11, 2014, 09:20:42 PM »
@ SO Reboot Partner

Quote
I'm still struggling with trusting myself and him, but we are still trying here. None of this is easy.

You have gone through some very painful times, the fact that you're here and fighting this battle is reason enough to trust yourself. Trusting him will take time, just how it goes. Time can heal, I just hope it does. You have been strong enough to get to this point, so I believe that you are strong enough to get through whatever life throws your way. Keep your head up. There are many people on here who have read your story and are rooting for you.

Remember this addiction is in his brain, and is a result of his choices... not yours. So continue to have talks with him, be open and honest with him. In the end it will be all on him though.

Are you two in this together? Yes. Can you responsible for his actions? No. You seem to be doing a phenomenal job of supporting him.

Quote
So tomorrow is the big "day of beauty maintenance"

I hope you enjoy it and get some relaxing in. You deserve it.

Quote
I hope tomorrow is a another positive step towards wellness for both of us.

The Nation hopes the same for you!
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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #45 on: April 13, 2014, 03:29:37 PM »
Yesterday was a good day.

After breakfast as a family, he helped climb "laundry mountain" before and while I was off getting my hair done. He made some homemade sauce, a lasagna for us and an extra for friends in the afternoon.

I hauled the kids off to their social engagement after cleaning the business office and prepared a few things for next week.

Once alone back home, we watched a little TV together and headed off to the bedroom. I felt pretty relaxed, but this was the first time in a few weeks? since we have been intimate.

Perhaps because it was too early for bed, all the pets (there are three) had to come and "wish us luck", get a belly rub and an ear scritched from each of us. Then they just left to race around and chase each other.

There wasn't any P or expectation of O, no PIED, no chaser, no scented candles, no cultural definitions of romance, no toys, no clothes, no blue pills, no demands, no urgency, no frustration, no worries, no guilt, no shame, no performance anxiety, no ghosts of past hurts. It was just us, together.

We just kissed and touched. Our bodies responded to the ordinary bliss, which is extraordinary.


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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #46 on: April 13, 2014, 04:39:49 PM »
@ SORP

Quote
There wasn't any P or expectation of O, no PIED, no chaser, no scented candles, no cultural definitions of romance, no toys, no clothes, no blue pills, no demands, no urgency, no frustration, no worries, no guilt, no shame, no performance anxiety, no ghosts of past hurts. It was just us, together.

We just kissed and touched. Our bodies responded to the ordinary bliss, which is extraordinary.

Just how it should be, awesome.

Just want to say I am so happy for you, and I wish you many many more experiences/days like this one. Keep being strong
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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #47 on: April 14, 2014, 07:16:44 AM »
@ SORP

Quote
There wasn't any P or expectation of O, no PIED, no chaser, no scented candles, no cultural definitions of romance, no toys, no clothes, no blue pills, no demands, no urgency, no frustration, no worries, no guilt, no shame, no performance anxiety, no ghosts of past hurts. It was just us, together.

We just kissed and touched. Our bodies responded to the ordinary bliss, which is extraordinary.

Just how it should be, awesome.

Just want to say I am so happy for you, and I wish you many many more experiences/days like this one. Keep being strong

Thanks for your support while I throw mud at the wall and see what sticks.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #48 on: April 17, 2014, 08:12:42 PM »
Very cool how things are progressing for you and your H!! Nice story.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #49 on: April 18, 2014, 03:12:39 PM »
SO Reboot Partner I have read your journal and you are an amazing woman!  I am a wife of a PMO addict as well and can identify with so much that you have said.  Especially the 'enduring the sexless marriage' part.  Gosh that was tough for someone with a high sex drive.  I think about all the time wasted and it makes me feel pretty depressed if I dwell too long.  So of course I try not to.  I went to a church service last weekend with a friend (I'm not religious but some days I will try anything!) and the theme was faith, then I saw a YouTube video on faith from a spiritual teacher I subscribe to, so I knew it was a message I needed to hear.  Faith is when you believe something without really knowing it.  It's a choice.  I think for me every day is a leap of faith.  Faith that my husband has given up his habit for good, faith that he always found me desirable and faith that he really loves and cares for me.  Before this I questioned everything.  Even though our relationship has done a 180 and our sex life is wonderful the past year has been like an open wound that I've been trying to heal.  I don't even think I realized how hurt I was until we got our closeness back and I saw what was missing all that time.

Anyway good luck and know that you are not alone  :)
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler