Author Topic: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal  (Read 83827 times)

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #100 on: May 16, 2014, 12:42:59 PM »
I don't want to fight him. I want him to fight this brain demon. I want him to fight for himself. I want him to fight for us, the kids, our future.

Frankly, I see him as too weak to fight with right now. I like my fights fairly fought. Also, I don't want one side to win.
You are certainly maintaining perspective in this. The enemy is porn and masturbation, making the break and getting completely free will help hime to reacquire his character and objectification will no longer be an issue.


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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #101 on: May 16, 2014, 03:55:58 PM »
Quote
I don't want to fight him. I want him to fight this brain demon. I want him to fight for himself. I want him to fight for us, the kids, our future.

Frankly, I see him as too weak to fight with right now. I like my fights fairly fought. Also, I don't want one side to win

Ok I think I am understanding it now!!  I certainly didn't mean go off half cocked and call him an asshole.  I just meant express your feelings, let him know what you are telling us.  I truly understand your point of view now and hopefully his brain fog lifts soon.

Hang in there :)
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #102 on: May 16, 2014, 04:53:39 PM »
Quote
I don't want to fight him. I want him to fight this brain demon. I want him to fight for himself. I want him to fight for us, the kids, our future.

Frankly, I see him as too weak to fight with right now. I like my fights fairly fought. Also, I don't want one side to win

Ok I think I am understanding it now!!  I certainly didn't mean go off half cocked and call him an asshole.  I just meant express your feelings, let him know what you are telling us.  I truly understand your point of view now and hopefully his brain fog lifts soon.

Hang in there :)

I hope his brain fog lifts soon too. I appreciate that good thought from you.

Just don't think I'm the weak one here. I am not. Perhaps in the beginning I was, I don't know. But not right now. 

My paradigm of this is changing. I think each of these symptoms of chronic PMO are just there to protect the addiction. They really serve no other purpose.

Addiction protects itself with disconnection, so no one will try and help. PIED? well that'll keep 'em glued to the computer instead of a real person. Shame? Hey, won't ask for help, thus preserving the addiction. Objectifying women? Well there's a way to keep from connecting with pretty much anyone.





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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #103 on: May 17, 2014, 10:40:34 AM »
Like Kaybee, I continue to admire your resolve to get both you and your husband through this.  Your analysis of yourself and him and the interaction and the business and how your lives interact is remarkable. You demonstrate compassion and thought when others might act vindictively. You see the humanity in all that has happened in your life and the life your marriage. Your words inspire me and many others. We will all get thru this to a better life.  Time and work and talk and sharing and forgiveness. It's often a fight but it's a damn worthwhile fight. Be happy my pal.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #104 on: May 17, 2014, 01:14:27 PM »
Okay, this might not have been apparent this week, but pretty much every thing from comment #86 on this thread on down was babysitting me after he threw a fit and left on his business trip. Thank you, thank you to everyone that commented and helped keep me focused while I was alone.

On Wednesday he left angry / apologetic after being furious with me.

He returned late Friday night, in a very different mood perhaps realizing what a jerk he was. He has been very, very attentive. (AND yes, I'm very sure he worked, trust me I haf wayz.)

Anyway, I'm probably going to take a journal break for a week or so while I live some real life. All these issues haven't magically disappeared. I need to go work on them.

SORP

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #105 on: May 22, 2014, 05:51:58 AM »
Hugged and kissed the old man this morning. Told him I'm proud of his progress. It's been about 60 days since we started REBOOT Part Deux. It was sometime around the end/Middle of March when I found his mega stash and he admitted to maybe not so much commitment in the Reboot.

Today - It has been 60+ days and he's avoided the P, MO and stuck to the program.

Here's what I've learned about support this time around.

We knew the process worked. The first time I was pretty supportive in that I jumped through hoops to get that thing working again and made it as easy as possible on him. This served a purpose, but did nothing for his commitment to change at the time. Also this was very penis-focused. I made that word up, obviously, but I think the first reboot he and I were focused on the penis as an indicator of health. This was dumb for a couple of reasons -1) he could still disconnect because I was doing all the rewiring work for him 2) I became even more of an object, not a whole person because letting go of P didn't require him letting go of fantasy while I worked to rewire him. All in all, this time, I've waited for him to really let go of the PMO and fantasy so when I do rewire with him, it is MY BODY and MIND he is with. In 60 days I think we've had sex maybe three times? Lots more talking and bonding, the sex will get there.

Recovery is not linear. I've written this on other journals and need to write it again. I don't know what I was thinking, but I know it wasn't the wild ride of good days followed by several bad, only to be followed by more good. Overall the trend is improvement and daily assessments and readjustments are unnecessary. All the obsessing over every little bump is a waste of time unless it is going to throw you off course. Sometimes the obsessing takes a sideways run, but head down and staying on the path is the way to go.

Respect the Choices of others. There is a lot of discussion over in YBR about ultimatums and truthfully, I think there are some subtleties missing. I will leave if he chooses PMO over a healthy relationship. That is not an ultimatum, it is my decision. Today, next week, next year - I am not interested in that kind of life. Ultimatums control the behavior of others, decisions are just decisions. He can choose PMO if he wants to. He can return to it any time he wishes. It would make me very sad to say goodbye, but I won't do this again. It is no way to live.

Self-Esteem is Through the ROOF! I think this time I am much less unsure and weak. I feel empowered again. I don't feel threatened and anxious all the time. The fearfulness that "he might leave me" or questions of infidelity are gone. I don't need a pound of flesh in payment for all the pain caused. I have the capacity for forgiveness and compassion again. I don't feel vindictive or petty. I am really proud of myself for all the work I put into re-building my self-esteem, because I built that!

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #106 on: May 22, 2014, 08:07:41 AM »
Great thoughts, SORP.

I especially the thoughts about it not being a linear process and not obsessing over every bump in the road.

I think you have made some sound decisions.


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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #107 on: May 22, 2014, 09:50:21 AM »
Quote
Respect the Choices of others. There is a lot of discussion over in YBR about ultimatums and truthfully, I think there are some subtleties missing. I will leave if he chooses PMO over a healthy relationship. That is not an ultimatum, it is my decision. Today, next week, next year - I am not interested in that kind of life. Ultimatums control the behavior of others, decisions are just decisions. He can choose PMO if he wants to. He can return to it any time he wishes. It would make me very sad to say goodbye, but I won't do this again. It is no way to live.

Whole heartedly agree with this.  For me it was not an ultimatum it was simply telling him I was going to leave.  No ultimatum!  An ultimatum is a control tactic and I do not agree with it.  The man will know you are giving false threats anyway, hell my kids know when I'm making false threats!
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #108 on: May 23, 2014, 07:26:55 AM »
Quote
Respect the Choices of others. There is a lot of discussion over in YBR about ultimatums and truthfully, I think there are some subtleties missing. I will leave if he chooses PMO over a healthy relationship. That is not an ultimatum, it is my decision. Today, next week, next year - I am not interested in that kind of life. Ultimatums control the behavior of others, decisions are just decisions. He can choose PMO if he wants to. He can return to it any time he wishes. It would make me very sad to say goodbye, but I won't do this again. It is no way to live.

Whole heartedly agree with this.  For me it was not an ultimatum it was simply telling him I was going to leave.  No ultimatum!  An ultimatum is a control tactic and I do not agree with it.  The man will know you are giving false threats anyway, hell my kids know when I'm making false threats!

I know I harp on self-esteem a lot, like every other post is about self-esteem. But how we value ourselves is expressed in many ways. One example is in our decisions.

If I backslide, crawfish or just ignore my own declarations it says (to myself) I don't value myself. Others will see me as a hypocrite, but it goes deeper. I will see me as a hypocrite. Dysfunction gets a toe in the door.

For those struggling with PMO, the addiction depends on low self-esteem and all those rationalizations to let commitment wane. No PMO becomes a false threat to the addiction and it thrives.

To be a lover you have to love and value yourself first. That's nothing new under the sun, but dang if any of us can quite get it right.
« Last Edit: May 23, 2014, 07:37:49 AM by SO Reboot Partner »

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #109 on: May 23, 2014, 08:09:10 AM »
Quote
Respect the Choices of others. There is a lot of discussion over in YBR about ultimatums and truthfully, I think there are some subtleties missing. I will leave if he chooses PMO over a healthy relationship. That is not an ultimatum, it is my decision. Today, next week, next year - I am not interested in that kind of life. Ultimatums control the behavior of others, decisions are just decisions. He can choose PMO if he wants to. He can return to it any time he wishes. It would make me very sad to say goodbye, but I won't do this again. It is no way to live.

Whole heartedly agree with this.  For me it was not an ultimatum it was simply telling him I was going to leave.  No ultimatum!  An ultimatum is a control tactic and I do not agree with it.  The man will know you are giving false threats anyway, hell my kids know when I'm making false threats!

I know I harp on self-esteem a lot, like every other post is about self-esteem. But how we value ourselves is expressed in many ways. One example is in our decisions.

If I backslide, crawfish or just ignore my own declarations it says (to myself) I don't value myself. Others will see me as a hypocrite, but it goes deeper. I will see me as a hypocrite. Dysfunction gets a toe in the door.

For those struggling with PMO, the addiction depends on low self-esteem and all those rationalizations to let commitment wane. No PMO becomes a false threat to the addiction and it thrives.

To be a lover you have to love and value yourself first. That's nothing new under the sun, but dang if any of us can quite get it right.
I was thinking that exact same thing myself, recently.


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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #110 on: May 23, 2014, 12:07:17 PM »
Quote
I know I harp on self-esteem a lot, like every other post is about self-esteem. But how we value ourselves is expressed in many ways. One example is in our decisions.

If I backslide, crawfish or just ignore my own declarations it says (to myself) I don't value myself. Others will see me as a hypocrite, but it goes deeper. I will see me as a hypocrite. Dysfunction gets a toe in the door.

For those struggling with PMO, the addiction depends on low self-esteem and all those rationalizations to let commitment wane. No PMO becomes a false threat to the addiction and it thrives.

To be a lover you have to love and value yourself first. That's nothing new under the sun, but dang if any of us can quite get it right.

Amen sista!  I think a big lesson for me in this whole thing was how I "allowed" this garbage to continue by being somehow ok with a crappy sexual connection without pressing for change.  I think if I had valued myself more we wouldn't even be married right now.  Maybe that's a good thing....or not....I don't know!  You learn so much through struggle so struggles can be life altering...in a good way.
In order to rise from its own ashes, a Phoenix first must burn.”
― Octavia E. Butler

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #111 on: May 24, 2014, 09:02:49 PM »
How to Be the World's Greatest Lover

When he's on the P and fantasy, he is a crappy lover. I am too. It takes more than tab A in slot B, fold here and press.

So, as I've hinted at here and there I've been holding out on the rewiring. We've had a few sessions, but just a few. The first go around I did my best to chin up and make the best of things, but I don't know if that did either of us any good. I threw up after our first attempt at sex during the first reboot. I didn't tell him at the time, but I did after the relapse a couple of months ago.

It is very difficult to be a great lover when your lover is with someone else in their head. It can turn a partner off of sex.

It is easy to be excited by someone you know digs you for all your beauty and faults, thinks you look cute/funny or knows how ticklish you are on the back of your knees.

When I read journals that talk about women not being into sex with their partner and some of the rationalizations for PMO, I have to wonder which came first? It isn't important, only a curiosity because the second mouse gets the cheese in this scenario if the mouse is smart.

Communication isn't just what we say, it is the subtle inflections, the pause between words, the gestures, the eyes, the tone and about 20 other verbal and non verbal points. You can't fake that in bed.

I can always tell he's really with me when he's playful and not serious. I can tell he's with me when he asks how something feels for me or asks me to read something while he distracts until I talk stupid. He's clever and fun, the PMO lover is just mechanical sex man that wants serviced or a place to service. I do not like.

I'm not interested in sleeping with the tin man. I can use him, close my eyes and think of that lover from long ago, but I just end up sad and have to fake a smile.

I have some thoughts on rewiring, maybe for another entry. Anyway I still think we're doing well and as expected, just some honest observations here, not self pity.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #112 on: May 24, 2014, 11:42:19 PM »
I learn a lot from your posts, SORP.


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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #113 on: May 25, 2014, 02:38:00 AM »
So I hinted at maybe having some one-on-one time last night. He really didn't want to, so he found something to get mad about. It was a huge betrayal on my part. Earlier in the day, I asked #1 son to get the sheets off the bed for the laundry, not realizing Husband already changed the sheets (also straightened the linen closet). This meant husband was greeted with a sheet-less bed and did a good without me discovering it because I messed it up.

Reasonably, I probably should be flogged for my crime, but in his wisdom, Husband only scolded me and pretended he was asleep so I would leave him alone because that is a mature, well-measured response for such a crime. Going to bed mad is really best, y'all.

He was affectionate earlier in the day, kissing me and actually laughing. I only wish there were some kind of visual signal of a character change, like a mustache or jaunty hat, maybe a fez, so I have more time to prepare for the shift.

To be fair, there is only one side of the story right now, but I can't imagine what that other side might be.
« Last Edit: May 25, 2014, 02:41:36 AM by SO Reboot Partner »

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #114 on: May 25, 2014, 07:12:41 AM »
So I hinted at maybe having some one-on-one time last night. He really didn't want to, so he found something to get mad about. It was a huge betrayal on my part. Earlier in the day, I asked #1 son to get the sheets off the bed for the laundry, not realizing Husband already changed the sheets (also straightened the linen closet). This meant husband was greeted with a sheet-less bed and did a good without me discovering it because I messed it up.

Reasonably, I probably should be flogged for my crime, but in his wisdom, Husband only scolded me and pretended he was asleep so I would leave him alone because that is a mature, well-measured response for such a crime. Going to bed mad is really best, y'all.

He was affectionate earlier in the day, kissing me and actually laughing. I only wish there were some kind of visual signal of a character change, like a mustache or jaunty hat, maybe a fez, so I have more time to prepare for the shift.

To be fair, there is only one side of the story right now, but I can't imagine what that other side might be.
One of the things I feel strongly about is that porn and masturbation impede personal,development and growth. I feel that my character has changed for the better. Maybe not as completely as I wish, but I truly am more,patient, more loving, more understanding and more wise than I was 18 months ago. It's a major change and it keeps on developing. Hopefully your man will experience improvement.

I believe that masturbation is a big part of the reason so many marriages fail. I wouldn't be surprised if it were the chief cause of marital failure these days. I've said, over and over, that this is the tip of a huge iceberg and that's what I mean, the iceberg encompasses many social problems that seem to have become endemic.

Hang in. SORP. You are wise in your own right, you'll get through this.


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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #115 on: May 25, 2014, 10:22:44 AM »
So I hinted at maybe having some one-on-one time last night. He really didn't want to, so he found something to get mad about. It was a huge betrayal on my part. Earlier in the day, I asked #1 son to get the sheets off the bed for the laundry, not realizing Husband already changed the sheets (also straightened the linen closet). This meant husband was greeted with a sheet-less bed and did a good without me discovering it because I messed it up.

Reasonably, I probably should be flogged for my crime, but in his wisdom, Husband only scolded me and pretended he was asleep so I would leave him alone because that is a mature, well-measured response for such a crime. Going to bed mad is really best, y'all.

He was affectionate earlier in the day, kissing me and actually laughing. I only wish there were some kind of visual signal of a character change, like a mustache or jaunty hat, maybe a fez, so I have more time to prepare for the shift.

To be fair, there is only one side of the story right now, but I can't imagine what that other side might be.
One of the things I feel strongly about is that porn and masturbation impede personal,development and growth. I feel that my character has changed for the better. Maybe not as completely as I wish, but I truly am more,patient, more loving, more understanding and more wise than I was 18 months ago. It's a major change and it keeps on developing. Hopefully your man will experience improvement.

I believe that masturbation is a big part of the reason so many marriages fail. I wouldn't be surprised if it were the chief cause of marital failure these days. I've said, over and over, that this is the tip of a huge iceberg and that's what I mean, the iceberg encompasses many social problems that seem to have become endemic.

Hang in. SORP. You are wise in your own right, you'll get through this.

Oh, I hope we will.

So the first thing out of his mouth this morning was "I was insanely convinced you stripped the bed on purpose just to annoy me. Nothing you could have said would change my mind. I just tried not to say anything. I was furious. It is irrational and could see it was irrational, but it didn't stop me."

It is out of character, his old character, the one I fell in love with, to act like this. We talked this morning about withdrawal and I brought up Gabe's video where he mentions having a mini-rage. Little kids, toddlers will have stages where they throw tantrums, insane tantrums as their brains are developing new pathways. Thankfully they are little and can't do much damage, although my cousin's kid (he was like 3-4yo) did learn a croquet mallet was also a weapon, not just a ball whacker, but a ball whacker. (He's grown now and a very nice man, great dad and super grill master.)

I think the greatest take-away from this event is that we both recognize we are in this together. I don't plan to walk on eggshells or over-react. I will need to intervene if the anger, even if it is just silence, is ever directed at the kids. It is one thing to be angry with me, an adult with a deeper understanding of the situation and a wholly different ballgame to promote feelings of mistrust or irrational disappointment with the chirrens. They have endured enough because of this shit; no more shall pass. He understands and agrees with this.

He has been working very hard to be a good dad and better husband. I can see a re-emergence of his former self. We aren't there yet, but I have hope.

I agree that most people don't have the skills to deal with this. I have never been more thankful to be from a good Hillbilly tribe that values family, food, respect for others, a well told story and the devotion of a good huntin' dog no matter how much education we have or where we end up living.

I didn't realize how valuable that core was until this test. If I could bottle it, I would give it away to anyone that needed it.

EDIT - Remember the grass is always greener around the outhouse. The loveliest flowers also grow behind it.
« Last Edit: May 25, 2014, 10:26:02 AM by SO Reboot Partner »

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #116 on: May 25, 2014, 01:37:45 PM »
So I hinted at maybe having some one-on-one time last night. He really didn't want to, so he found something to get mad about. It was a huge betrayal on my part. Earlier in the day, I asked #1 son to get the sheets off the bed for the laundry, not realizing Husband already changed the sheets (also straightened the linen closet). This meant husband was greeted with a sheet-less bed and did a good without me discovering it because I messed it up.

Reasonably, I probably should be flogged for my crime, but in his wisdom, Husband only scolded me and pretended he was asleep so I would leave him alone because that is a mature, well-measured response for such a crime. Going to bed mad is really best, y'all.

He was affectionate earlier in the day, kissing me and actually laughing. I only wish there were some kind of visual signal of a character change, like a mustache or jaunty hat, maybe a fez, so I have more time to prepare for the shift.

To be fair, there is only one side of the story right now, but I can't imagine what that other side might be.
One of the things I feel strongly about is that porn and masturbation impede personal,development and growth. I feel that my character has changed for the better. Maybe not as completely as I wish, but I truly am more,patient, more loving, more understanding and more wise than I was 18 months ago. It's a major change and it keeps on developing. Hopefully your man will experience improvement.

I believe that masturbation is a big part of the reason so many marriages fail. I wouldn't be surprised if it were the chief cause of marital failure these days. I've said, over and over, that this is the tip of a huge iceberg and that's what I mean, the iceberg encompasses many social problems that seem to have become endemic.

Hang in. SORP. You are wise in your own right, you'll get through this.

Oh, I hope we will.

So the first thing out of his mouth this morning was "I was insanely convinced you stripped the bed on purpose just to annoy me. Nothing you could have said would change my mind. I just tried not to say anything. I was furious. It is irrational and could see it was irrational, but it didn't stop me."

It is out of character, his old character, the one I fell in love with, to act like this. We talked this morning about withdrawal and I brought up Gabe's video where he mentions having a mini-rage. Little kids, toddlers will have stages where they throw tantrums, insane tantrums as their brains are developing new pathways. Thankfully they are little and can't do much damage, although my cousin's kid (he was like 3-4yo) did learn a croquet mallet was also a weapon, not just a ball whacker, but a ball whacker. (He's grown now and a very nice man, great dad and super grill master.)

I think the greatest take-away from this event is that we both recognize we are in this together. I don't plan to walk on eggshells or over-react. I will need to intervene if the anger, even if it is just silence, is ever directed at the kids. It is one thing to be angry with me, an adult with a deeper understanding of the situation and a wholly different ballgame to promote feelings of mistrust or irrational disappointment with the chirrens. They have endured enough because of this shit; no more shall pass. He understands and agrees with this.

He has been working very hard to be a good dad and better husband. I can see a re-emergence of his former self. We aren't there yet, but I have hope.

I agree that most people don't have the skills to deal with this. I have never been more thankful to be from a good Hillbilly tribe that values family, food, respect for others, a well told story and the devotion of a good huntin' dog no matter how much education we have or where we end up living.

I didn't realize how valuable that core was until this test. If I could bottle it, I would give it away to anyone that needed it.

EDIT - Remember the grass is always greener around the outhouse. The loveliest flowers also grow behind it.
Some great Country Wisdom there. I think I'll channel surf for some Hee Haw reruns. :)

I come from a small town and have values shaped thereby. I consider it an asset, that's for sure.


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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #117 on: May 25, 2014, 05:15:58 PM »

Some great Country Wisdom there. I think I'll channel surf for some Hee Haw reruns. :)

I come from a small town and have values shaped thereby. I consider it an asset, that's for sure.

I think to capture my experience, I would watch Justified.  :D

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #118 on: May 25, 2014, 09:13:50 PM »

Some great Country Wisdom there. I think I'll channel surf for some Hee Haw reruns. :)

I come from a small town and have values shaped thereby. I consider it an asset, that's for sure.

I think to capture my experience, I would watch Justified.  :D
Movie or TV Series.


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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #119 on: May 26, 2014, 05:49:31 PM »

Some great Country Wisdom there. I think I'll channel surf for some Hee Haw reruns. :)

I come from a small town and have values shaped thereby. I consider it an asset, that's for sure.

I think to capture my experience, I would watch Justified.  :D
Movie or TV Series.

Television series.

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #120 on: May 27, 2014, 10:55:48 AM »
I am enjoying your side of the story, SO. I believe I can relate to your husband somewhat, although our stories are different and I can relate your experience and empathize with you as well as empathize with my wife and the experience she has been going through as well.

I know the PMO made me a different person. I have always known this. It was frustrating knowing that and unable to change the habit. Now that the habit is changing, so too are your husband an I. Going through this cleanse makes every experience a little different now. It's a lot of change to handle over a short period of time. The path of least resistance always seems to be the screen but that is no longer an option.

This is about discovery and it's scary finding out stuff about yourself and about others, because that type of change could bring on a whole lot of other change, which is stomach churning itself, but at the same time, it's liberating because we get to be closer to our authentic selves, and there is nothing better than being yourself.

D

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #121 on: May 28, 2014, 02:05:16 AM »
I am enjoying your side of the story, SO. I believe I can relate to your husband somewhat, although our stories are different and I can relate your experience and empathize with you as well as empathize with my wife and the experience she has been going through as well.

I know the PMO made me a different person. I have always known this. It was frustrating knowing that and unable to change the habit. Now that the habit is changing, so too are your husband an I. Going through this cleanse makes every experience a little different now. It's a lot of change to handle over a short period of time. The path of least resistance always seems to be the screen but that is no longer an option.

This is about discovery and it's scary finding out stuff about yourself and about others, because that type of change could bring on a whole lot of other change, which is stomach churning itself, but at the same time, it's liberating because we get to be closer to our authentic selves, and there is nothing better than being yourself.

D

I always learn something new from you, Deuce.

I need to let go of my own fantasy of how he once was. That person does not exist. We all are in a constant state of flux betwixt and between the being and becoming of our authentic selves, the sinner and saint, the lover and beloved, the fool and the sage. I am not the same girl he met so long ago, not the woman that married him, not the pitiful grieving thing that cried so much.

A life of PMO does more than simply whittle away the hours. It stifles growth (as LTE has mentioned), chipping away the character and leaving something more material less spiritual, not in terms of religious piety but rather that part of all human beings that is spiritual - that seeks truth, meaning and beauty. PMO demands an acolytes' complete, unchanging devotion to vows of spiritual poverty in casting aside the pursuit of truth, meaning and beauty.

It is paradoxical how the PMO addiction cycle promises relief from un-satiated appetites and feverish boredom, yet dampens the thirst for real life discovery within our own relationships.

I feel (two points for me for saying feel instead of think) that this Reboot part deux is a renaissance, a rebirth of   spirit. We know the penis will work if we follow the rulz. Now it is time to build lovers.

EDIT - No contact with former assistant for 3+weeks according to last text messages. Hasn't made visits, that I know of, no phone calls.

He's off on an annual trip for a week with #1 son. I've hinted we need to have a talk about fantasy and the assistant. I don't know how this will go.

« Last Edit: May 28, 2014, 02:33:11 AM by SO Reboot Partner »

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #122 on: May 29, 2014, 10:08:15 AM »
I feel good knowing that as I change, and as my wife changes, that we can count on each other through the process. This is never easy as we need to trust that the change is for the better even if we think the change the other partner is going through is a detriment to ourselves.

The motivation behind change needs to be clear and concise, and that has to be celebrated. If I lie and say the motivation is to better my relationship, the change will not work. If I tell the truth and say I am changing for my health and well being, it may come across that it is not beneficial to the relationship if getting better means charting a new path in life. Change is scary and necessary and constantly evolving. If we are truthful to ourselves and our loved ones, this transition will be easier to do no matter the outcome. We only have this moment and how we react to it. Past and future behaviors tend to skew the present moment and the truth of the moment.

I'm not sure if I made any sense, but trust yourself. I trust myself that I am doing this for the right reasons. I tell my wife I am here for the long haul and that is what I want. A little less anxiety now is what I am feeling.

Trust yourself even when you don't think it will go well. Asking questions and finding the moment will give you information and answers, even if they aren't direct. Even when the answers are not what you want to hear.

D

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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #123 on: May 29, 2014, 05:01:55 PM »
I feel good knowing that as I change, and as my wife changes, that we can count on each other through the process. This is never easy as we need to trust that the change is for the better even if we think the change the other partner is going through is a detriment to ourselves.

The motivation behind change needs to be clear and concise, and that has to be celebrated. If I lie and say the motivation is to better my relationship, the change will not work. If I tell the truth and say I am changing for my health and well being, it may come across that it is not beneficial to the relationship if getting better means charting a new path in life. Change is scary and necessary and constantly evolving. If we are truthful to ourselves and our loved ones, this transition will be easier to do no matter the outcome. We only have this moment and how we react to it. Past and future behaviors tend to skew the present moment and the truth of the moment.

I'm not sure if I made any sense, but trust yourself. I trust myself that I am doing this for the right reasons. I tell my wife I am here for the long haul and that is what I want. A little less anxiety now is what I am feeling.

Trust yourself even when you don't think it will go well. Asking questions and finding the moment will give you information and answers, even if they aren't direct. Even when the answers are not what you want to hear.

D

The morning he was leaving for a week, I brought up the subject of the assistant. A lot can be said about timing, but I think this was a good time. He was in a good mood.

I have been mulling this over for awhile, rationalizing reasons to leave it be, to not borrow trouble with interest. I can't let this simply be a mouldering corpse in our marriage. As I've said before, I have allergies for cryin' out loud, all that dust makes it hard to breathe.

I have my own dysfunction, barriers to sexual fulfillment to address, and that is how I chose to frame the discussion. I need to get this off my chest and move on to better days. I also think he needs to understand that he has a problem, but that discovery has to be drawn out by him, not hammered in by me.

Anyway, I was respectful. I explained that many signs pointed to an inappropriate prioritization of her in his life and that I felt she occupied a place that should be reserved for me. He was defensive and furious with me.

I let him be furious. He tried to make these claims into crazy irrational musings on my part. My BS meter was clicking in red, the gas-lighting was so obvious it didn't stop me. I laid out the facts.

I explained that his disdain for one person that would "horn in" on their private "friendship" conversations in the office was really telling me that he coveted his time with her and was territorial.

I told him about the outsiders over the years that had approached me, telling me bold-faced directly or hinting to get a rise out of me about he and she have a very close relationship.

I explained that it seemed odd he bought her thoughtful, personal Christmas gifts (very nice designer handbag) and got me a scarf (nice, but nothing personal). This was repeated four years running, the last few years he didn't bother with the scarf for me. My birthdays and our anniversary were also ignored.

I explained that his denial that saying he "has a smoking hot secretary" to friends, in front of me was simply an "unfortunate statement" only undermines claims that they are just "professional friends". (Hey, let's call her husband and see if that floats?)

I mentioned his complete physical abandonment anytime we are out and she is in the room. I noted again that this was not my sole observation and I heard things said in front of her kids and people at the school.

I noted that she doesn't work for him anymore, yet would happily trot out of the office to visit her - announcing his departure to me.

He claims this "friendship" isn't improper because there was never sex, "couldn't be any because of the ED." (Oops another tell of emotional attachment.)

He has said to me that he knows more about our kids' school because "he has an insider" (meaning her).

I explained that he confided in her, revealed her personal tastes to others in conversations (even my mother) and seemed to be clueless about his own wife.

During one conversation with her, she told me how worried she was about him, that he didn't receive the recognition he deserved. (I didn't mention this one, lest I feed his fantasy.)

I left this discussion as a seedling of discontent for him. I don't buy his explanations. I do think this is one sided. I want him uncomfortable with the idea of his "friendship". He is not capable of understanding or empathizing how this hurts me or the kids or even her, yet.

Again, I kept this framed around my lack of understanding and asked him to help me understand this "friendship" so I can move on. It calmed him down, but also brought out some pretty fantastic explanations. Most of these centered around how I was being goaded by outsiders, those jealous people that envy him and her. Huh.

I'm not ready to let this go yet. I hope he has time to think about it. His calls home while on his trip are loving.

It will be interesting to see if he can step up and address my connection dysfunction by addressing his own.




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Re: Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal
« Reply #124 on: May 30, 2014, 06:44:19 PM »
I definitely think that he needs to face this infatuation. The saving grace, as I see it, is that this is probably a side effect of his PMO problem. While the addiction can be broken fairly fast the erroneous behaviors that accompany it take a while longer to overcome. Hang in.


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Remember, porn and masturbation are never the reward. Freedom from porn and masturbation is the reward